ShareYou Connected Your Child with a Therapist… Now What?
Have you connected your child with a therapist or counselor and want to know how best to support your child on this journey? Before your child begins with a mental health provider, it can be helpful to ask them some questions. If you haven’t asked these questions and the relationship is already established, don’t fear, it’s not too late. Here are some things to consider as you move forward in supporting your child’s mental health journey:
Who does the therapist work with?
For the sake of simplicity, I am using the terms “therapist” and “counselor” interchangeably in this article. Different mental health providers will have slightly different titles based on the license they hold, such as “Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)” or “Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT)”.
Some therapists work closely with parents and children/teens. Others mostly prioritize the youth as the primary client. Knowing what the norm is for that therapist before establishing care may help better meet your needs. Also knowing what you as a parent/caregiver are looking and hoping for is a good first step. Do you want to be involved? If so, how much? Do you feel overwhelmed by work and life and just need the therapist to be the main support for your child’s mental health? That’s okay too. Knowing what you have space for and how you can offer support in this chapter of your own life helps establish goals and expectations for you as a caregiver.
What sort of communication am I seeking?
Just like with anyone out in the “real world”, communication varies from person to person. With that in mind, ask yourself what sort of contact you want to have with your child’s therapist. In addition, it’s important to ask your child what they want and need. Young kids will likely either have no opinion or will be open to having everything shared between you and the therapist. During late elementary school and beyond, it is common for kids and teens to desire and seek more autonomy and privacy as they develop their own opinions, experiences, and lives. Some kids and teens will have very strong opinions about how you interact with their therapist; because of this, be sure to begin with an open conversation with your child in order to build trust and show you respect their preferences in how to approach mental health care.
Once you and your child have come to an agreement on your involvement, ask yourself some questions about your own hopes in terms of content and frequency: Do you want to simply verify scheduling? Do you want to learn about specific self-regulation tools to work on with your child at home? Do you want to know specifics about what was discussed? Additionally, what are the expectations for frequency of these chats- do you want a quick verbal exchange after each session? An email weekly? A quarterly meeting? There is no one correct approach for how frequent or in what format communication should be. Once you have a sense of what would feel helpful, ask your child’s therapist if this is something they can agree to. Alternatively, you can ask the therapist’s advice to assess what is the best way for a parent or caregiver to be involved while also allowing their child space; remember, the therapist has lots of experience working with many different kids and families and this experience can be of big help to you.
How to explain to your child why they are going to a counselor or therapist
Many parents struggle with how and what to tell their child about going to counseling. This approach will look different depending on the age of the child and who initiated the referral. A teenager or older elementary aged child for example, may self-advocate for seeing a therapist and have a great deal of knowledge about the role of a counselor. For someone who is being brought to counseling by a parent or through a referral by a teacher, it is important to have clarifying conversations between a parent and child before an initial appointment. The language used will change depending on the age and development of each child, but it may sound something like this:
“You know how sometimes your worries get so big that they get in the way of you having fun with your friends or taking a test without feeling shaky? We want to help support you in feeling more comfortable in your body and one way to do that is to meet with a counselor. Do you know what a counselor is? A counselor is kind of like a feelings doctor- they help you talk about feelings, thoughts, and problem solve with you to help you feel closer to the way you want to feel. This is someone you will see once a week and just like when you learned to play the piano, it takes practice to build skills to feel better. You and your counselor will play games, talk, and work on strategies to feel less worried at school and with your friends. I’ve seen a counselor too and it has helped me learn new ways to feel calm and happy when things get tough. We will start with your new counselor on Monday. What questions do you have for me?”
Every counselor when beginning with a young client should check in with that person’s understanding of the role of a counselor and offer his or her viewpoint on what that role involves in a way that a child can comprehend. As a parent, you can always ask your child’s counselor for a script that would be appropriate for your child’s age and challenge areas so that you feel confident that you are setting them up for success.
What are the laws in my state?
Knowing the laws and ethics of your state may be an important part of seeking care for your minor. Some states allow minors to have full confidentiality while others do not. The ins and outs of what that means varies depending on where you reside. Overall, the therapist’s goal is to help support your child’s mental health and growth and protect them from harm. The therapist may not be able to speak to specifics about what your child says in therapy, but he or she may be able to share generally what they are working on together such as main themes, or how you as a parent can help your child at home. If this is frustrating to you, try to take a step back and ask yourself, ‘What do I want my child to get out of this experience? Do they need me in the room with them for them to accomplish that?’. Sometimes giving your child more space allows them to build a connection with someone in a different way, which can build trust, vulnerability, and a willingness to try new and challenging things with confidence on their own. Without a doubt, you will be notified if there is any sort of imminent harm or danger to your child. You can rest assured knowing that all therapists are mandated reporters for abuse and neglect.
What are the differences between a mental health provider and a parent coach?
There are so many terms to learn and remember in the mental health world! It can be confusing, and my hope is to clarify the differences between a few terms you may have heard. Counselors are mental health professionals who work with one individual at a time and help them to develop coping strategies and skills to help them navigate uncomfortable feelings such as depression or anxiety. Counselors often help people with relationship issues, communication, boundaries, and understanding the connections between feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Counselors often work with parent(s) as well, but there usually isn’t a formal arrangement to have regular sessions with a parent included on a weekly basis.
Similarly, a family therapist helps people process feelings and learn healthy coping skills and communication strategies. A family therapist however, works with more than one and often all members of a family either together or 1:1 and then together as a group.
A parent coach is someone who helps guide parents in working on concrete parenting skills, systems and strategies that help benefit their children and the parents themselves. Parent coaching helps provide alternative perspectives and scaffolding for how to interact and respond to challenges in a way that helps reinforce peace and calm communication rather than reactivity or inconsistency.
All of these professionals can help you on your journey of being a parent and supporting your child. Where to put your focus for support and care depends on your family constellation as well as the presenting issues and everyone’s level of comfort and willingness to step into a therapeutic relationship. Ultimately as caregivers, our goal is to help our kids develop their own tools and circles of support. This includes self-awareness, self-regulation, problem solving, communication, and self-care skills. Having strong parental scaffolding and involvement can be helpful while too much can hinder a child’s growth as well. Knowing your child’s age, development, and personality in addition to your family’s dynamics and patterns can help guide you to build a communication system that works for everyone. If you are in need of support or are interested in learning more about setting up counseling for your child, feel free to contact me directly. Best of luck on your continued journey of support!
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