Transcription
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hello, welcome back. Welcome to the Joyful Courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids. We can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact.
[00:00:27] My name's Casey O'Roarty, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder, coach, and the adolescent lead at Sproutable. Also, Mama, to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting.
[00:00:46] This show is meant to be a resource to you, and I work really hard.
[00:00:56] Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials or text it to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe.
[00:01:16] If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us. Over in Apple Podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:33] Hey everybody. Hi, glad to be back with you. Glad to be back and feeling normal. Finally, I sound normal. I feel normal. Hallelujah. I hope that you enjoyed last week's flashback episode. I did that because just with sickness and all the things going on, I felt a little bit behind. Plus, it's crazy. I have all of these shows.
[00:02:02] I work so hard to create them and record them and put them out in the world for you. And then they just get. Buried under all the new content. So, you know, there's a lot of good shows that have come through this podcast and it's fun for me to bring some listener favorites back. And I know I love re listening to things depending on what's happening in my life.
[00:02:25] The content can provide a totally new understanding or perspective. So I hope that was your experience last week. I remember And it's funny, somebody just recently told me that he had just read Positive Discipline for Teenagers. I was doing an Explore call with a parent, and he's got an eight year old, I think eight, ten, and twelve, or eight, ten, and eleven.
[00:02:48] He said, oh yeah, I just read Positive Discipline for Teenagers. And it reminded me, I did too, when my oldest was just about to enter middle school. I read it, I appreciated it, and then a few years later when my daughter was a freshman and things were Getting kind of sticky. I reread the book Positive Discipline for Teenagers and it was like a whole new world opened up for me.
[00:03:13] So, we make sense of what we see and what we hear and what we learn through our current lens, right? So, it makes sense that things will hit differently depending on what you've got going on. So, even when When you see, oh, Casey's got a replay happening this week on the pod, I would encourage you to listen, even if you're like, I've heard this one before, because you're going to take away different things.
[00:03:36] So relisten. It's for you. It's for everyone. Today is a solo show. It's a new solo show. And I'm going to share a post from a parent in the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group. And before I get into it, I just want to acknowledge that it is really very little information that we're going on when we offer support to someone who posts something on social media, right?
[00:04:06] And it's important to remember there are. So much we don't know. When we respond with compassion and curiosity, that's gonna be the most useful thing for the person that is posting, right? So big thanks to the parent that wrote in because she is offering me a springboard to talk about how I understand her situation to be and some thoughts that I have about it.
[00:04:31] All right, so here's the post. My daughter is 18. I was wondering if anyone had an issue with their daughter's boyfriend in regard to the actual family making vacation plans for their family and including my daughter. And also mention of a cruise, they're both graduating from high school in May, for their family, which includes my daughter.
[00:04:55] So there's planning happening, including the poster, the original poster's daughter. She goes on to say, previously the family went away to their lake house, and my daughter actually missed a day of school. I didn't excuse her. The boyfriend's parents never talked to us about the trip and I highly doubt they care to talk to us about this cruise that my daughter mentioned.
[00:05:16] I'm trying to figure out a long, overdue trip for my own family. It's not easy due to our schedules and I'd hurt my back over the holidays. I just feel like this family is teaching my daughter that it's okay to put herself first and to be inconsiderate. I feel really tired of this situation and wish the family would at least communicate with us.
[00:05:36] before making plans. I really need to vent about this and I'm hoping for some validation. Thank you. So again, the parent. Spoke what she needed, which was she needed to vent and she needed to be seen in the situation. And as I read that, I will say I can see why the parent is frustrated, right? And also we can guess, and I'm going to mention this again, that there's a lot more detail and nuance going on in this situation that can be captured in this post.
[00:06:11] You know, these are the last years when our kids are seniors. It's that last year for our kids to be around. There's a lot of energy. There's a lot in the energy of our relationship with our older teens at this point. We get caught up in, you know, questions like, do they know enough? Are they displaying it?
[00:06:29] Can they take care of themselves? Maybe our kiddos are still forgetful. They're still making questionable choices. Not a character flaw, very developmentally appropriate. We might be asking, man, do they acknowledge what we are doing for them, right? If they're going to college, do they know how lucky they are, how good they have it?
[00:06:48] We might be spending money left and right and feeling like, oh my God, my kid is so entitled or expects the world, or there's a lack of gratitude. You know, as they get older, we don't have. A lot of time that we're spending together. We think about how everything's going to change. We worry about what our relationship will be like in the future, is how it feels now forever, right?
[00:07:13] We're sitting with my baby's getting older. There's probably some grief. And ultimately we want to be the ones that are planning trips and having fun with our kids. All of these thoughts are real. All of these thoughts are relatable, right? And all of these thoughts are valid. We're swimming in this soup as our kids get ready for lunch.
[00:07:39] And sometimes the soup can really cloud, I wouldn't say cloud our judgment, but can cloud how we're seeing situations or just our willingness. To lean in and be curious, right? And so, and speaking of curious, there's a couple places where I'm curious, right? The first one being that the boyfriend's parents never talked to us about the previous trip.
[00:08:05] I highly doubt they care to talk to us about this cruise. I wish the family would communicate with us. Yeah, as our kids get older, older, there is a lot less coordinating with parents, for sure. And it's age appropriate. It should be on our kids, on our older teens, to start to hold the weight of coordinating and sharing information.
[00:08:30] And I also think that it makes sense to get to know the parents of your teen's partner when and if. They get serious. And again, it's tricky. I did a solo show not too long ago. Maybe last year. It's episode 464 Crushes Dating and Developing Critical Thinking that I just want to mention because I think it's a useful solo episode just talking about how to use Our kids relationships as opportunities to support them in their ongoing development.
[00:09:04] Because these early relationships can be powerful opportunities to develop life skills. And when our space, our physical and emotional space that we hold for our teens is welcoming and encouraging. to them and to their partners, there's a greater likelihood that they'll want to come and hang out and share time with us.
[00:09:26] And isn't that what we want? And I don't know, the poster didn't say this, but I'm wondering if that might be missing on her side, and she's feeling that rub. When we work to develop some sort of relationship with the family of our teen's chosen partner, we open the doors to communication. And that's what I'm hearing is the hardest part for the person who's posted this.
[00:09:55] challenge, a lack of communication and unmet expectations. And man, I definitely know for sure in my relationships, when there are unmet expectations, if I go back in time and look at the way things have been communicating, there's some problematic stuff going on there.
[00:10:23] So what is a possible reframe for this challenge, right? I, and I want to start with, is this something That we're willing to solve. Sometimes, some challenges that we're navigating with our teenagers, we are feeling really done. Wanting to put the ball in their court, wanting to let go. Okay. So the question really is, Is this something you want to solve?
[00:10:52] And it's a valid question. Acknowledging again that this parent really just came into the space to vent and for some validation. But for the sake of using this challenge as a springboard, you know, I think it's awesome to ask ourselves, am I willing to work to solve the problem at hand? Like I said, things can get annoying with our teens and there's a lot here I'm sure that the parent didn't share.
[00:11:18] It can be exhausting. And I get it. We can be known to say, you know what? Screw this. This isn't my fault. I'm over it. Right? And the only way life is going to be different is for you to be different. Right? This is exciting to me. We design our lives. That's what I tell my kids. You design your life. You get to influence how you are experiencing your experiences.
[00:11:48] You do. And it takes effort and a willingness to step into our own personal responsibility. Right. So if the answer to the question, are you willing to work to solve this problem is yes, then great. Let's move on. So as I think about this challenge, there's two directions I'm feeling pulled to go into. The obvious one is the, the, the parent's relationship with the daughter's boyfriend's parents.
[00:12:18] We'll talk a little bit about that. The second. direction, which might be less obvious, but my guess is all of you skilled parents listening to this podcast know that I'm going to go here and would go here yourselves, which is the parent's relationship with the daughter. So reframing what the problem is might sound like, one, how do I develop enough of a relationship with my teen's partner's family so that we can communicate in a way that is helpful to both families?
[00:12:46] Thanks. Again, if your teen is in a serious relationship, it's going to be helpful to them and to you to have somewhat of a relationship with the other family. We can talk, we're going to talk more about what that can look like and how to nurture it. The other reframe is, what can I do to strengthen my relationship and communication with my daughter?
[00:13:08] The parent mentions worry that their daughter is learning to put herself first and be inconsiderate. Let's take a look at how to communicate about this in a way that brings them together rather than pushes them apart. And I will say, one of the comments, and I loved this, one of the comments below this post, a parent said, you know, putting ourselves first and being inconsiderate are really two different things.
[00:13:33] And especially for girls, women. There's something really powerful about learning to put yourself first. So I just want to acknowledge that. So let's talk about some parenting tools and strategies that could be useful for both of these reframes, right? So we're going to start with how do I develop enough of a relationship with my teens?
[00:13:56] partner's family so that we can communicate in a way that's helpful for both families. So again, maybe your teen has gotten serious about a partner, depending on their age, you know, 13 versus 17, and where they're hanging out, it makes sense for you to say, Hey, can I have their mom or their dad's number just in case of emergency?
[00:14:17] Or something like, Hey, you guys are getting pretty serious. I'd love to meet their parents. Can you make that happen? Or get me their number and I'll reach out. Now. Listen, I remember Ian had a girlfriend, I think he was in 6th grade, maybe 7th grade, for a long time. They never hung out outside of school. I think they walked the track at lunchtime and held hands.
[00:14:39] And that's pretty much as far as it got. As he got older and started hanging out at different people's houses, like in middle school, yeah, I would make sure that I met the parent, that I had the number. You know, and as he continued to get older, I would meet the kids, but it was really a judgment call.
[00:14:59] They weren't making a lot of big plans, although he did have one serious girlfriend his junior year. And I did meet her parents. He was spending a lot of time with them. I got to meet the mom. It was great. And then they broke up and that was a whole nother story. And then with my daughter, she was really cagey about the boys that she liked, especially like eighth grade, ninth grade.
[00:15:21] And. for good reason, because they were pretty shady. And I was like, open door policy, bring them over, you know? And that in and of itself was an indicator of like, hey, you know, what's going on here when not only did she not want to bring them by, but They didn't want to hang out at our house. So that was interesting.
[00:15:42] But then when she did enter into a pretty serious relationship at 16, 17, I made sure to meet the parents. I had numbers. We didn't communicate a ton, but we communicated a little bit, right? This is really personal. There's no perfect answer here. And you get to decide what works best for your kids and for your family.
[00:16:03] And keep in mind, just like Rowan as a ninth grader, it might be appalling for your kids to think about, you know, you meeting their person's parents, especially early on, right? It's a pretty big deal for someone to meet their parents. Apparently, so keeping that in mind, right? And it makes total sense that if your teen is going away on trips with a family, you would have some sort of relationship simply for the logistics and to ask questions and safety.
[00:16:33] The original post has a daughter who's 18. She's still on the tail end of living at home. I don't think the parent needs to get over involved, but I do think a simple text that states, Hey, our daughter shared about the cruise y'all are planning and hoping to take her on. When can we connect about details?
[00:16:51] Right? Just something like that. An invitation to have a conversation. And there's a lot of comments. In this post about the parent reaching out to the family and do it and she shares. Yes, she's done that. And again, there are clearly details that we aren't privy to that exist in this dynamic as well, but I would echo that encouragement for everybody else.
[00:17:15] To develop some kind of relationship with our kids significant others, with the people that they're spending the most time with, whether it's a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a good friend, a best friend, right? Whatever. I think there's nothing wrong with meeting parents. It takes a village. It takes a community.
[00:17:34] For now, while your kid's still at home, this could make sense. Now, 18, again, right on the cusp. And really When I think about that 18 year old, what I would want to focus in on is good communication and relationship with her, right? And so one tool that I would offer is connection before redirection and getting curious.
[00:18:01] So I'm gonna use this share about the cruise, right? I'm thinking about getting the news about the cruise, being that parent, having all of this built up history and some frustration with this family who makes plans and invites your daughter. Doesn't communicate with you. Sometimes our kids tell us things, offer information.
[00:18:21] And it's like, oh my gosh, the dam just breaks and we flip, right? So here she is dropping the news about this cruise. Connection could sound like, well, before that, taking a deep breath, right? Just like I did. Connection could sound like, oh my gosh, how generous. A cruise sounds so fun. tell me more about it.
[00:18:47] So you're collecting information to help you not start to make assumptions. And then listen, listen, listen. And then you get to lean into some redirection or curiosity. So how, you know, they share about, Oh my God, it's so exciting. Here's what we're going to do, blah, blah, blah. So, wow, that sounds really exciting.
[00:19:07] It sounds like you're really excited about it. Let's take a look at our family's calendar and make sure that those dates don't conflict with anything that we've got going on. So you're connecting with them and then you're bringing them alongside you and reminding them, Hey, we've got some stuff going on as well.
[00:19:28] Let's look at the calendar. You could even add some encouragement, right? Like it seems like you're really comfortable with your boyfriend's family. And that is really special. I love knowing that there's lots of healthy adults in your life that you're in relationship with. And now obviously you'd only say this if you meant it, right?
[00:19:48] But it's true. It is so important for our kids to have a variety of healthy adults in their life. If there's somebody else that they're able to talk with and really be themselves with and share deep things with that's not you, I know it's painful and how great for them to have someone.
[00:20:16] And then of course, There is this work of getting under the surface. So, the time with the boyfriend's family, time away from her family, what's happening there, right? What are the, what's going on under the surface? Is it easy to be in relationship with this kid or is it challenging? We don't know that based on simply on this post.
[00:20:35] What might be getting in the way of relationship? and connection and communication. What might be some unintended messages that exist between the mom and the daughter that could be perhaps cleaned up? And what might mom need to let go of? Now, many of us have a vision of relationship with our kids that just isn't who they are.
[00:21:00] It just isn't grounded in reality. And we feel a lot of pain. Right? And grief, really. We want to be close, right? And being close looks a certain way. Well, you might have a kiddo who's always been quiet and kept things to themselves, and now you're deep in adolescence and wishing it was different. So my question to you is, what could close look like with the child that you actually have?
[00:21:26] Right? We want time together to look a certain way. You might have an idea of the things and outings that you'd like to do with your young person. Well, what are their interests? How can you create one on one time centering what they are interested in? Are you willing? And by the way, TV watching counts.
[00:21:45] Even, we even hold that like communicating with each other should look a certain way. But even that is problematic because, for example, I'm an external processor. That's my way of operating. It's not necessarily how some of my close family members process things. And as hard as it is for me to navigate that, I get to respect that and not expect them to process the way that I process.
[00:22:13] I think the bottom line is being curious and being accepting, right? This is the key to building a nurturing relationship. Check your disappointment that things aren't different at the door and go in with no other agenda than to be present. There is ease and safety for our kids when they know that we accept them.
[00:22:39] for exactly who they are, right? And the more that we allow for and accept who our teens are growing into, the more likely it is that they will be more open with us. The more open they are with us, the greater the likelihood that we will get a chance to be a positive influence. And the more positive influence we have, the more information our teens have to consider when making decisions, which leads to a higher probability.
[00:23:06] possibility for better outcomes all around. That's huge, right? So there's the work we can do, the really simple work we can do to reach out to the family and say, Hey, let's be in communication. And then more importantly, I think is the work that we do with our kids because Even Ian being home over the holidays, he wasn't necessarily asking me permission to do things.
[00:23:37] He was asking me, like, hey, do we have anything going on? He was coordinating for sure, but he wasn't saying, hey, can I have permission to go stay over at this friend's house or hang out with this friend? I mean, it just, you wasn't like that. He's 19 years old. He's, you know, however many states away. He's living an independent life.
[00:23:59] He comes home. He's in the house. We have lots of conversations, of course, but he's like a baby adult, you know? So what is the growth opportunity for the parent in this situation? I mean, it's pretty huge, right? This parent gets to let go. And by the way, if this parent is listening, I see you, and you can take what you want from this and toss the rest away.
[00:24:25] I'm totally okay with that. I totally understand that there are details I don't know, but I'm hopeful that there are some healthy nuggets here for you. So here we go. This amazing parent who shared in the group gets to let go of the idea that she can control the plans her daughter makes with the boyfriend and his family.
[00:24:46] And this might be really hard. There may be some rejection and unworthiness being triggered. She gets to navigate any fear or doubts or stories that she might be making up about her daughter's desire to spend time with this other family and this parent gets to look inward to discover and explore how she's influencing the dynamic with her daughter and what she's willing to do about it.
[00:25:11] And just to remind you, the original post said, I just feel like this family is teaching my daughter that it's okay to put herself first and to be inconsiderate. But what I'm reading With my limited information is that this family is really inclusive of their son's girlfriend. And there is limited information, like I said, in the post and in the comments, but I'm gonna push back here again and invite the mama to work on her relationship with her daughter.
[00:25:39] I know the tension in this relationship isn't new. So I also want to double down on the validation connection piece. It can feel counterproductive. This is for everyone listening, right? It can feel counterproductive, like we're condoning behavior, but we can look at validation. As saying, I see you in this and I see your experience, right?
[00:26:05] This is big. Humans want to be seen. Teens want to be seen. And feeling seen and heard helps open up communication because then we're less likely to be fighting for that. Does that make sense? We're less likely to be fighting to be seen or doing really, you know. extreme things to be seen. So yeah, there's a lot for the parent to consider here.
[00:26:29] And bottom line, things change when we change. And we don't have to change that much. Just shifting a bit and deciding what do I want to create in this moment and let that lead the way is a powerful move. It's a powerful move. And You've got this. Things can change, they can shift. It might not be drastic or overnight, but we can be intentional about how we show up and make an impact on the relationships that matter to us.
[00:27:01] I believe in you, parent. I believe in all of you, and I believe in myself. We can create the life that we want. And it takes work and intention. It takes letting go and acceptance and presence. It takes a willingness to do the work when it feels like you're the only one who's actually working. That's annoying, I know.
[00:27:24] Communication is important, right? It's the core of everything. And it's tricky. And we're tired. I get it. I know it. I live it. If you're feeling this and you want to explore more of these concepts, and thoughts, book and explore call with me. I have openings for new clients coming up. We can hop on the phone.
[00:27:46] You can share a bit of your story. I can let you know how I can support you. Go to www. besproutable. com slash explore and get on my calendar for a free 15 minute call. I would love to connect with you. Okay. All right. That is it. Again, big thanks to the parent who posted in the community. If you aren't yet in the Live and Love with Joyful Courage Facebook group, join now.
[00:28:11] Be sure to answer all three questions and I'll see you in there. All the love, my friends. Thank you for listening. Drink some water, take a walk, maybe a nap. Or at least a few deep breaths, and I will be back here with you again next week. Bye.
[00:28:33] Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alana, as well as Danielle. And Chris Mann and the team at Podshaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at besproutable.
[00:28:58] com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.
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