Eps 99: Casey is Solo Exploring Boundaries, Agreements and Screen Time

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Joyful courage, parenting. Podcast Episode 99

Hey podcast listeners, welcome back. Welcome back to the show. I am so excited for this week. You have tuned into a solo episode where I'm going to be taking a question, a situation that comes straight out of the joyful courage community, and dissect it, peel back layers, look at it from multiple angles, and hopefully you'll be able to take away some really good nuggets from it. So yay. Thanks for tuning in. Oh my gosh. And last week's show with Carrie foreman, how great was that. Did you love it? I hope that it was as fun for you to listen to as it was for me to record. I so appreciated all that Carrie brought to the conversation. And oh my gosh, next week. Next week is my 100th episode. Technically, it's more than 100 episodes that I have available. But as far as me keeping track and calling things like episodes with numbers, it is number 100 and my guest is so worthy of my 100th show. All my guests are. This particular guest is somebody that I was, I had to work pretty hard to get her on the show. I reached out a few different times, and finally, her people said yes, she was open to coming on. And that is Dr Tina Bryson, who is the co author with Dan Siegel of whole brain child and no drama discipline. And she will be on the show and next week. So make sure that you are a subscriber. All right, I'm going to talk more about this at the end, but make sure you're a subscriber, because when you're a subscriber of the podcast, which means you are not listening to it through the website, when you're a subscriber, you automatically get every new show. So consider that. All right, I'm going to tell you a little story. I'm going to I'm going to get real and authentic with you, as you know, that's what I love to do. So so my sweet boy, we were still in the last week of school, which it's been a little while, not that long, but it's been a bit since school got out a couple weeks ago, and it was the middle of the week, and granted, I was feeling a little bit stressed about what needed to get done that week. And when the kids got home, you know, as usual, I say, Did you do your jobs? Don't forget to do a job. And, you know, to which they say, yeah, yeah. And then they didn't. And then I was on my way to leave with my daughter, and I said, Hey, Ian, please pick a job before you go play. And would you walk Daisy our dog? And he literally, like crumbled to the floor at that request, crumbled to the floor, and it was just the right response from him to flip my lid right? It sent me to the to the Red Zone, which, next week, when I talked to Dr Bryson, you'll, you'll get more on the red zone. It sent me to the red zone. And, granted, I didn't totally lose it. I held it together enough, you know, as far as I wasn't yelling. I didn't get all big and scary. However, I was bugged, and I let him know, and I just kind of went on, you know, those tirades where you sound like, how can you know what I'm so tired of. Every time I ask you guys to do something, you you respond like, it's such a big deal. And how could I, how could I ever imagine that you would want to do that? You know, you start to sound like the Charlie Brown adult, yeah, yeah. That was me, super proud. And, you know, and then I came back, and I was like, actually, you know what, I'm taking your sister volleyball. I'm coming back. Don't bother leaving the house. Be here when I get back. Okay, I said, Take Daisy for a walk, but stick around. Don't go finding friends in the neighborhood. And so yeah, felt really good about that. Went off to drop off my daughter across town, got back, and Ian was sitting at the counter in the kitchen, and I just walked in, and I definitely felt better walking in. I'd kind of shaken off my angst. And, you know, looked at him, felt softness, looking at my boy, and he was looking at me, and then he was moving his eyes like he wanted me to see something. And finally, I took his hint, and I looked down, and I saw that there was a card on the counter, and the card, the card on the counter said, Dear Mom, I'm very sorry that I got super mad at you when you asked me to walk Daisy. Next time, when you ask me to do something, I will do it also. I will try to be more consistent with jobs and Daisy, and I'll write it down on the clipboard. Love Ian, I. And I thought, oh, like, of course, of course. My response was, Oh, what a sweet boy. But then I kind of got like, this sinking feeling in my heart because I realized that, you know, Ian, Ian does not love it when people are upset with him, right? I mean, who does really? I apparently there's people out in the world who are like, I don't care. And and I noticed too that he he always wants to smooth things out. And sometimes I worry a little bit about that, like, I worry, you know, I think about him growing up to be an adult, and I know that I really love it when everybody's happy. And because I love it when everybody's happy. Sometimes I avoid saying what needs to be said because it's uncomfortable. So, you know, this whole experience with Ian, you know, on one hand, I love that he thought all to himself, I'm gonna make this right with mom, right? I love that. It's a great life skill. And it also, you know, gives me pause to think about, you know, the way that I use language and and my own use of you always or you never. You guys, always, you guys never. My daughter always checks me on that Ian, not so much. Just, you know, everything is an opportunity to grow and to be better and to be curious. And so this sweet note from Ian, this whole situation has really been an opportunity for me to really, really pause and think about what it is that that he's learning and what it is that I'm inviting and creating inside of our relationship. So just wanted to share a little personal story about something that's alive right now in my family. And you know, I love it. I love hearing your stories, too. And today on the show, we are going to dig into a personal story, a story of one of our community members. She's actually she is a part of the live in love with joyful courage community. She's also a member of the living, joyful courage membership group, Denise, who brought this issue to that group. That's where this post came from, is the membership group also participated in the joyful courage 10 program, which happened in June. So you're gonna hear me reflect back on what she wants to bring alive this summer, in my response to her, that was the work that we did in joyful courage 10 was to really sink into what it was that we were choosing to create. I chose to focus on this on the show, because it's something that so many of us have bumped up against, which is screen time.

All right, so here was the post Denise wrote, literally losing my mind on the first day of summer vacation over iPads. I don't have an ounce of energy for a single tool. I'm the worst mom ever, according to my daughter five years 10 months, and my seven and a half year old son, quote, needs this mower on a farm simulator game. Literally feel like pinching, pitching these machines in the dumpster. Thank you for listening. So that was the post that I read from Denise. I saw it right after she posted it. I knew she was in the muck in the moment, right? So I responded with big love to you in this moment, first day of summer can be really challenging. And then I reminded her of her joyful courage. 10 vision statement, which was Denise wrote this summer I will choose to practice being flexible, playful, compassionate and creative so as to create a calm, connected and nurturing atmosphere in my family. So I asked Denise in my response, what does playful and compassionate look like with the iPad challenge? So my goal here, in this, in this response to her share, was, I really wanted to help her shift her way of being with the challenge that was showing up, right? It's helpful to kind of gain perspective, to take a balcony view right, to look at it through the lens that we have declared, which you know, for Denise, it's compassion and playful and what else, and flexible, right? And creative. So I brought this back because intentional parenting is really called when things are tough, right? Like, it's really easy to be intentional with how we're showing up with our kids when everybody's following the program. It's another thing when they're falling apart. So in my response to Denise, and we kind of had a back and forth, and I was asking questions, and she was sharing, but what really came from our conversation, and the reason that I think that this is something I want to share with everyone, is how important routines and agreements are. I.

To have established just in the family as just common language, it's what we do as a family. Routines really help kids know what's happening, how to be a part of transitions such as getting out the door or going to bed. Routines really help kids knowing how to be inside of the transitioning of, you know, being at the beach all day and then coming home, right? Agreements, agreements, which are slightly different than routines, agreements, really help our kids to create boundaries for themselves, right? So we are a part of the conversation. It's a co created document. And the purpose of agreements are for kids to be in the creation of setting boundaries for themselves, so that they know what to expect and and the really interesting thing about screens, which is something that I shared with with Denise in our conversation, was screens are a privilege. I know that it starts to it starts to feel like, you know, every kid is entitled to a phone, that every kid is every family you know you should have an iPad or a tablet or a computer, but really, these things are there a privilege, you know, the only thing that that we really need, or, you know, food, water, shelter, belonging, you know, connection, love, those are the things that, you know, we signed up for. But the screens, they're a privilege, right? And even though our kids slip into believing something other than that, it's it's what true is true. And and I love what Jane Nelson says about privilege. She says privilege without contribution is what creates entitlement, right? And so I brought that up to to Denise, because I think a lot of times the screens are so powerful that we as parents start to use them as leverage, right, like get that done, or I'm taking your screen away, or get the after you get that done, then you can have some screen time and And it's it starts to get really messy when we when our come from is this punishment, you know, do what's right, or I'll take something away, or do, yeah, do what's right, or I'll take something away, do what's right, and I will give you a reward. Right? It gets messy, and it doesn't help our kids to do the right thing, because it's the right thing to do. So one of the other members chimed into the conversation at this point, and she says, can you tell me more about contributions? How do contributions, which result in screen time, differ from a reward? I was so glad that she asked that, because it really allowed me to play with my language and to explain further, my where I was coming from. So I use the word contribution instead of the word chores. Chores feels really heavy and loaded to me, where contribution really describes what it is that I'm inviting my children into. And, you know, full disclaimer, my kids aren't super fans of contributions. Just because I call them that does not mean my kids are like, Yeah, I can't wait to contribute. They are typical kids who have loads of other things they are more interested in doing. So what I was talking about when I talk about screen time as a privilege, not a right, what I meant is that we don't have to give them an hour, a day or two hours or whatever. It's not a basic need, like I said. So when we create routines, part of it is when. Right quote, when. So, for example, after school routines happen. When they get home from school, bedtime routines happen. Obviously, at bedtime, they also have agreements around screen. Use again, full disclosure. These agreements are not currently helpful right now, this is something that we as a family are going to be fleshing out ASAP, and I feel like it's important to be transparent here. Typically the agreement around screen time use has to do with the amount of time they can spend on the screen and where the screen lives overnight. So agreements around screen time, I really want you to hear that agreements around screen time aren't this is how you earn screen time. It's not about earning it. It's about managing it, right? So I think that there, I guess that this is where that different come from happens. You can look at this and see that the screen see the screen as a reward for finishing their routine. But there are days when the screens just aren't available, so it's a non issue, and I never use the screens again like you better do this or no screen time. It's more about, you know, just me asking simply, have you finished your routine yet? And it's about. How we hold space in our home. It's bigger than just do this and you'll get screen time. There's a lot of layers at our house, using positive discipline, the kids know that they have a voice, and when they don't like how things are structured, they request to revisit or modify the routine or agreement, and that's just what we do. And so it doesn't feel like a reward in the traditional sense, but I was so excited that that request was made. Like, tell me more about that. Because joyful, courage and positive, stiff discipline is really a lifestyle shift, right? They, they so the screens or the chores, or, you know, back talk, or defiance, like all of these things. They don't, you know, they they're all happening like they're all a part of the experience of raising a kids and the tools that we use, the tools that we use for navigating the challenges, they don't stand alone. They're not separate, right? There's Foundation, there's scaffolding, there's ways of being that support us on the journey. Does that make sense? So while Denise was writing in about about the screen time, right? And you guys have heard me talk about tip of the iceberg, right? So Denise was having this experience where at the tip of the iceberg, she was battling with her kids about screens, but under the surface, and we fleshed it out a little bit in our conversation. Under the surface, there was really a request, a disconnect, a need for clarity around what the boundaries are, right? What are the boundaries? What are the limits? Have you co created them with your kids? I'm super excited to say that what she did, Denise reported back later on that they had a family meeting, and they came up with structure and boundaries around screens, and the next day, you know, straight off the bat, things felt better. And here's the deal. Here's the deal with all of this work, remembering that underneath all of the behavior, all of the challenges and mischief that shows up is this underlying need for belonging, significance and influence and our kids, our children only have so many years of life experience to filter their what's happening around them through and make sense of it. Something does that land for you? So, you know, I'm I'm having an experience, you know, I might be at the grocery store and the checker is rude to me, and I have 43 years of life experience to filter that, that risk, the the behavior she's showing towards me through and I can, I can come to a place of, wow, you know, she must be having a rough day, Because I haven't not done anything that asks for her to be rude. However, you know a five year old or an eight year old or a 14 year old who's dealing with a playmate who is rude to them, they don't have a lot of life experience to filter that through, and they're going to be a lot more reactive, right? They're going to be a lot more reactive. And so it's all about perception, right? It's all about how they are perceiving. Am I connected? Do I matter? And do I have any influence over this? And that's another reason why co creating routines and agreements becomes so powerful, because in the co creation of routines and agreements, there's an underlying message that the child's voice matters. The child's voice matters, that the child has a say, right, that we care and that we hold them, as you know, contributors to the cause. They matter to the conversation, right? And it's an opportunity where we hold the structure, yes, we're going to create an agreement about about screens, yes, that's happening. That's the structure. And inside of that structure, you know, we have this little dance that we get to do with them, a practice. I think I've talked about it before with Rowan, we did, I taught her about offers and counteroffers and our very first texting agreement. We've made many since then, but our very first texting agreement was, you know, her telling me what she thought it should look like, and then I counter offered, and then she counteroffered. And we did that back and forth until we landed on something that worked for both of us. Now, when we do this, the requirement for the parent is to let go of your agenda, notice when you're getting rigid, notice when you're grasping for control, and really be with that. What is that about? We're. Right? I

mean, if it's not helpful, we can't be in charge of every detail. We can't and it's a disservice to our children when we are we've got to share power with them when, when, when the stakes are low. We've got to share power with them. And here's the thing, when they are a part of CO creating the routine in the agreement. You know what happens? They are ever more likely to follow through. Yay, yay, yay. So the two positive discipline tools that I'm really leaning into here are routines in agreement, and here's here's what I'm going to do. I have a couple handouts that I use in my live parenting classes. I am going to make them available in the show notes. So after this podcast, if you are interested in and have in a handout, right in a kind of a step by step around how to create routines and how to create agreements that will be available to you. You

Thank you, Denise for sharing your challenge so candidly, and thanks for letting me share it here on the podcast. Because we are having a collective experience, folks, we are having a collective experience. You. All right, I want to tell you about an essential oil so, as you know, or maybe you don't, I bought a starter kit from Young Living. Young Living is an essential oils company, and I have, I haven't been a super young living person. I love their blend called joy, and I've had that before, just as a yummy smell. And so I saw this gal at mamicon, and she was selling these starter kits. And it was funny, because I said, Oh, I love joy. And she's like, Oh yeah, me too. And we started talking, and then she showed me this kit of 10 different oils. And she was like, Yeah, I'm selling these kits, and it's a starter kit. And I was like, oh, yeah, no, I'm not. I'm thinking to myself, I am not interested in spending $400 on a bunch of oils. And so we kept talking, and so finally I said, Well, how much is the starter kit? And she said, $160 and I was like, Oh, wow, that's way less than $400 and so we kept talking, and I decided to go for it. Bought the kit, and also bought a diffuser. And just was really jazzed about sharing it with my family and using it with my family and learning more about it. And in our conversation, she mentioned, yeah, so you can, you know, you can share these with people and sell them. You know, you're a distributor. And I thought I even said, I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not gonna sell essential oils. Like I got another thing going on. And then I started thinking, like, wow, if I'm using these essential oils and they're helpful, why wouldn't I share it with my joyful courage community? So if you remember from the last solo show, I talked about lavender, which is one of the oils that came with in the starter kit, this week, I'm going to share about my experience with an oil called thieves. So thieves is an essential oil blend that is made up of a combination of clove and lemon, cinnamon, eucalyptus and rosemary essential oils. And I love this about thieves. The concept behind thieves is based on the legend of 4/15 century French thieves, like literally thieves, and these guys were robbing and pillaging people by day, people that were sick and dying right from the plague, mind you, and they managed to not catch the plague or any other nasty diseases of the time. Legit has it that they douse themselves with all these special herbal concoctions right to protect them from infection? And so it's also referred to as four thieves vinegar. So I just love that story, and I love telling my kids that story. I love that that's where the name comes from. But, you know, so over time, right? These, this blend of herbs, has protected people from getting sick. And so that's the backstory there. That's the backstory there. And so it's considered a hot oil because of its composition, it's considered a hot oil so it can't be used on the skin. Eucalyptus is another one like that. You it has to have what's called a carrier oil. So I blended mine with coconut oil. I heated up some coconut oil and and blended some a few drops of thieves into the coconut oil and let it harden. And now I have this yummy salve I'm. Other carrier oils include grape seed, almond and olive oil. But my experience with thieves so my kids get sick a lot. You know, I live in the Pacific Northwest, and anytime it seems to go from dry to dry to wet, it seems like everyone gets sick. And of course, nobody wants to wear a coat, even though my pediatrician shout out to Dr mcclincy, love you girl, even though my pediatrician says, Don't worry about the coat case, that's not why they're getting sick, I don't believe her. Anyway, so I so and then my mom was in town. My mom was in town recently with my sister, and my mom was sick and my sister was not. My sister has this three month old baby, and it's just like, you know, and my sister's a total germ phobe, so I gave her some of the thieves to have and to use and and it kept everybody healthy. And I've used it in the diffuser when the when the snot started to show up, my daughter's starting to come down with something. So I made that coconut blend, and I've just been rubbing it in right at my wrists, and I've actually, I'm doing it right now. I kind of rub together right there, because what happens is the essential oil goes straight into the into the blood, and really is super duper effective. So yeah, so thieves and Young Living also has an entire line of cleaning products that's all based in the thieves essential oils. So if you're somebody that's looking for to get away from super nasty, toxic chemical cleaning products, Young Living has a whole line of them as well. So yeah, so I wanted to tell you about thieves and what our experience has been I'm really excited to have something that feels like it can combat the funk and the snot that often will show up at our house. So if you're interested in that finding out more, you can email me or check out the link in the show notes to find out more about thieves, more about the starter pack and how I can hook you up. I just love showing up for you. I'm so grateful that you get something out of listening to this show like I mentioned at the beginning. Next week is the 100th episode I have Dr Tina Bryson coming on. Whoop, whoop. She is so dreamy. She shares her amazing work and language around brain informed parenting with me and with you, and I just know that you're gonna love it. And it's summertime. It's summertime, and I'm guessing you are on the go. Are you listening to the podcast through the website? Or are you a subscriber? I asked that earlier in the show. Here are the perks for being a subscriber to the podcast. Shows magically show up on your device as soon as they're published. I publish every Tuesday. You get access to all the shows, bonus episodes included. So for example, I did a Father's Day show. I didn't put it on my website. It only went out to subscribers of the show. I've done ask Casey episodes where listeners send in questions for me and I respond. Those are bonus episodes, and they only go out to subscribers of the show. Later this month, I'm doing a show with April 8, who is a storyteller and a podcaster for children. She is amazing, and her work is so incredible, I've posted about it in the live in love with joyful courage group, and her show is going to be a bonus episode, so it will only go out to subscribers, and you'll feel super cool. You'll feel super cool. You can be like, I'm a subscriber, man. So subscribe, subscribe, and there's a couple links in the show notes to how to subscribe through iTunes or Google Play. All you need is a podcast app. And if you have an iPhone, chances are you already have a podcast app on your phone. Let me know if you need support. Casey at joyful courage.com big, huge. Thanks to my team. The man. Chris Mann at pod shaper for being my super creative producer. I so appreciate you my behind the scenes mama Anna for all she does in support of my work and to you my community for offering such juicy questions to ponder and consider and share about if you are not already in the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group head on over there, there is discussion happening all the time from like minded people around parenting and looking at parenting through the positive discipline lens. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, at joyful courage, and as always, I'm happy to receive your feedback, your questions over at my email, which is Casey at joyful courage.com. I also am a coach, so if you're feeling like the one on one coaching would be a good fit for you, please don't hesitate to reach out and we can explore if it's the right fit. All right, my friends, have a beautiful, beautiful day. I hope the sun is warm on your skin, and that your kids are easy and cooperative, and I will see you again next week. Bye.