Eps 97: Casey is solo! Connecting before Correcting, Problem Solving and Empowering our Kids

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Joyful courage, parenting podcast episode 97 is brought to you by talkspace.

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Hey everybody, welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the parenting journey. I am your host, Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer, parent, coach, mom, daughter, sister, cousin, friend. I'm thrilled that you are listening in. Be sure to listen to this whole show, because I have some really fun, exciting announcements and calls to action, and I don't want you to miss out on it. If you find yourself laughing, taking notes and or excited about what you hear on the show today, please, please, please, do me a favor and pay it forward. Share this episode with your friends, family, neighbors, strangers, out in public on social media, send them an email. Your sharing is the reason that I'm able to show up for you each week, and I am deeply, deeply honored to do so. This week is the beginning of a new tradition here at the joyful courage podcast, I am going to start to alternate my interview shows with solo shows. And the reason I want to do this is I want to be in deeper relationship with you my listener. I want to build an ever more intimate relationship so that I am speaking directly into what is showing up in our community as it's showing up, right? We need to have a little special time. Every relationship thrives, right? Thrives on special time, and that's what this is going to be. It's going to be a space where I get to reflect on some of the past shows that we've had, and it's a place where I get to answer questions directly from my audience. So I am really, really excited about this shift. I know that there probably is going to be some growing pains and some getting used to it, and I'm just really, really in trust that this is going to be helpful and powerful for you, the listener, because you're the reason you out there, you Mom, you're the reason that I created this show, and so I really want To be speaking directly to you. So super excited. You.

Speaker 1 3:40
Before we

Casey O'Roarty 3:46
get into content this week, I want to acknowledge that you're hearing what might sound like commercials on the podcast. Yes, you are. I am thrilled, thrilled that talkspace.com has taken a chance on me and on you and on this show, so they are sponsoring the show for the next few episodes, and the reason that they're doing that is they believe in their product, and they believe in you, and I believe in their product, and I believe that what they offer might be just what some of you listeners need. And the beautiful Win win here is that in the process of sponsoring the show, they are actually exchanging money with me, which in turn is put into the production of this show showing up every every week for you. So I am really, really excited to be partnering with talkspace.com if you listeners, have other products or companies that you think would be great fits for the show, please reach out and let me know. Please reach out and. Me know, because I only want to be promoting things that I believe, with my whole heart are helpful for the community. All right, and I promise that I will do my best on my end to seamlessly include the promos from the sponsors into the overall format of the show, actually, my guy, Chris Mann, shout out to my podcast. Shaper, my producer, he is actually going to do his best in adding the promos to the show in a way that is with the least amount of disruption. So I wanted to acknowledge also that that's happening. And really, you know, let you know, kind of behind the scenes, why, why it's happening, and I'm really hoping for some solid feedback around that. So let me know what you think. Let me know if there's any sponsors that you think would be great fits for the podcast, and we'll see if we can't make that happen. All right, so content today comes straight from the live in love with joyful courage community page on Facebook. Anna mama. Anna is looking for some advice. My nine year old keeps leaving for swim on her bike without her helmet. My husband and I continually remind her why it's so important to wear it. We remind her before she leaves, and tonight, I met her at the pool when she was finished without the helmet. How do we approach this so she understands the seriousness of her choice? Oh my gosh, can everyone out there who has a school age child who doesn't want to wear a helmet, please raise your hand. Yes. I am with you, and I'm so with you, and so many of us are with you, and like a lot of us, right, we all grew up without helmets and lived through it, or didn't or suffer brain injury because of it. And I love some of the responses that you got. One thing that you shared a little bit more about Anna was when you asked her about the putting her helmet on. Her response isn't okay with a sign and eye roll. You say, I think the issue is mostly because she wants to have her cap and earplugs in before she leaves. The helmet won't fit with her cap because the bun she has underneath. I asked her why she didn't want to put it on at the pool. She said, she hates taking the time to put it on. This is very common with tedious tasks, which I completely relate to. And it goes on to say, I didn't say anything tonight because I'm trying to figure out the most effective way to approach it. I may just bring the helmet in the house and have her put it on before she goes to the garage. Not sure, though. So I love, love, love. And there's so I'm looking at this, oh my gosh. I haven't been on this thread lately, and there are so many great responses there. You know what comes up for me, Anna, and I'm speaking to Anna, but I'm speaking to everyone, is sometimes we forget that the best place to go for information and solution finding is straight to the kid. A lot of us assume, and I'm not saying this because you have assumed anything, but often we parents, well meaning, loving parents, assume that we know why our children are making the choices that they're making. And yeah, we might be right, but we're assuming so in this situation, in any kind of challenge that we get in with our kids, first noticing when we begin to feel rigid, noticing when fear is showing up, and we can do all sorts of disasterifying this situation of our kids riding without a helmet, and we're really good at that. No need to do that here. But really, if the structure is, if the expectation is, when you're riding your bike on the street, you will wear a helmet, then that's the structure we get to hold and we get to open up to freedom, right? We get to open up within the structure. There's a lot of space, right? There's a lot of space to problem solve with our kids. So Anna specifically mentioned her daughter's bun and the earbuds and how it's difficult to do it at swim. So my invitation to all of us when we're parenting is noticing that rigidity show up and dropping into curiosity, right? Dropping into curiosity, hmm, you know, and validating them. So there's a couple tools that are helpful here, like, yeah, I get it. It is hard to wear. If your child has actually said, This is why,

right? So the first step is like, huh, yeah, that is hard. That is challenging. Oh, look, that is a challenging thing that's going on for you right now. Hmm, I wonder what we can do to solve that problem, or even just that is challenging. It is uncomfortable to wear a high bun and a helmet and pause and wait and give them a little bit of space to feel heard and for their defenses to go down, right let them feel. Heard and release into some space where they can then be open to the possibility that there is a solution. Because sometimes we go into these situations and it becomes you against me, helmet or no helmet, and there's a lot of space in between. So the first thing is just validating how they're feeling, and then the next step is, you know, getting really curious with them and really checking for understanding. So even saying something like, Do you know why I want you to wear a helmet? Or, Why do you think it would be important for you to wear a helmet and let them explore it, you know, and really come from a place of non judgment and non attachment. And what I mean by that is, if you are searching for an answer, if you are asking a question because you want to hear a specific answer, your kids are going to pick up on that energy, and often that you know, they'll make a couple choices. Either there's anxiety around mom's looking for a certain answer. I don't know what it is, and that makes me feel uncomfortable, so I'll shut down. Or mom is looking for a certain answer, and I don't want to give that answer, so I'm going to be completely off the wall oddball and kind of sabotage this whole situation, right? So there's a couple choices that kids are making based on how they're reading your energy. But if you come from a place of really, just like you know, why do you think it would be important to to wear a helmet? I'm really curious about why you think it would be important to wear a helmet. Not tell me what I've told you a million times, right about wearing a helmet, but really, like I am curious. I want to know what your understanding of this is. And then from that place going to which I love, from Sandy blackards, amazing interview from last fall, there must be something we can do. So if the expectation is you'll wear a helmet, and you're getting this feedback from the child about why that's a that why they're having a hard time with it. There must be something we could do. What are your ideas? Opening the conversation up to ideas that they have within the expectation of you're wearing a helmet, right? You're wearing a helmet. So this is and, yes, Anna, got some great responses here. I think that we get into mischief, right as parents as well meaning loving parents get into mischief because it's a safety thing, right? And it's a safety thing, it's a safety thing, it's a safety thing. And, and there is some rigidity there too, right? There is some rigidity there too. If you want to go the route of saying, when you're on your bike, you have to be wearing a helmet, great. And ultimately, we always want them to choose a helmet. And I'm going to be honest with you, when I get on a bike and ride around the neighborhood, I don't always choose to put a helmet on, and that feels really what's the word hypocritical? Yeah, and things happen. So it could sound like you can ride your bike with a helmet, or you can walk to swim. You decide, right? It could be like one of the one of the one of the members of the group offered. You know, you can, you can let it go. You can allow space for your daughter to make that choice. And I'm not going to tell you one thing is better or right and the other thing is wrong. Because I think there are two different approaches. I think that when we have really open conversations with our kids about safety and the why around safety, then they can, they can choose into being safe more often. And even as I say that, even as I say that, I think of my son riding his bike with no helmet on, and I am a stickler, however, when it comes to riding his skateboard, he wears a helmet when he rides his skateboard. So you know the theme of my life these days, and those of you that are in the living, joyful courage membership program are going to laugh the theme of my life these days is surrender, right? And what does it mean to surrender when we have these challenges with our kids, and there are things we want them to do, and there are hard lines that we're putting down? Yes, okay, how can we surrender to the fact that this whole period of time this whole like our kids live in our homes with us, and we're in this practice of supporting, teaching, modeling life skills that we one day hope they embody. What does it look like to surrender there and today, right now? What's coming up for me around surrender is really remembering that this period of time is the practice field like this is the place where they get to make mistakes. This is the place where they get to try things, push boundaries, make their let their voice be heard, right? All of those things are, are what is appropriate for happening right now, right? It's appropriate, Anna, that your daughter is like, yeah, I don't, this doesn't work for me, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave this behind and just go to swim, right? It's not you have a naughty girl who's you know needs to be punished. It's really she's acting appropriately for her age, and so then surrendering to the fact that they are we are their allies, right? We're their allies. So how do we help them with risk assessment? Right? How can we have conversations and offer experience experiences for them to be in the practice of risk assessment, right? Because, how often do our kids just do things without thinking? Yes, impulse control is not the first thing that they or brain is developing as they, you know, move into this, this life, impulse control is practiced over time, right? And as is risk assessment, right? And, oh my gosh, by the way, something that I just read from this fabulous article, I'll put it in the show notes about girls, adolescent and teen girls, is that, and I think it's the same for boys. It presents a little bit differently, I think. But girls, so zero to 12, the brain is like a sponge, right? It takes in all the information from all these different sources, including yours, including you, right? And it's like a sponge, just holds it all in there. And then after 12, the brain begins to prune, pruning away either areas that aren't in use, ideas that don't show up over and over again, and there's a pruning process. Within the pruning process, there is also continued development of the brain, and the part that is continuous, you know, continuously developing at the beginning of adolescence is the limbic brain, the back of the brain, the think the feeling brain is being developed faster than the prefrontal cortex. So our girls, our girls are having these strong surges of emotions, and what they need is their prefrontal cortex to really navigate the emotions, make sense of the emotions, temper the emotions, and it's they're not developing at the same time. So, you know, I think the same thing can be said sometimes about these impulses, right? Like they have to learn over and over again, to pause, to pause and to remember is to think to themselves, Is this safe? Is this a good idea? And we can help them to do that simply by regularly just having conversations about it. And not everything has to do with our kids' choices, right? It could be in the television shows that we're watching with them. It could be in the books that we're reading with them, looking for those opportunities to say, Huh, this would be a great time for this character to do a little risk assessment, right, to have a little safety check, what do you think? And always, always, always moving out of the lectures and into the questions, because that is the way that our kids are going to learn and really internalize these concepts, as if we're asking and we're curious and we're open and we're non judgmental. So Anna, thank you so much. Thank you so much for bringing this to to the community. I'm really excited by this, and I just, I'm really excited by this whole solo show thing. I'm going to be looking if you have specific questions that you want me to address, feel free to message me or send me an email and and and I'm just going to be looking around in the community for juicy tidbits to talk about in the content section of the solo show. Yeah. So thanks for that.

All right. Super crazy Change of topic, but I want to tell you guys about something that I've been playing around with, and that is Young Living Essential Oils. I know essential oils, either you are obsessed with them, or you are annoyed that you keep seeing your friends talking about them, or you know nothing about them. I. Regardless of your experience with essential oils, I'm gonna share my experience of essential oils. And one of the oils that I've been playing with is lavender. And I felt like I had a handle on lavender oil before I got into like, the whole Young Living Thing. But here's the deal. Do you know I didn't Did you know that lavender oil is actually really good for sleep. So yeah, lavender oil, when you diffuse it, is helps with, helps with keeping you asleep, and helps you go to sleep. Lavender in a bath. So if you take Epsom salt before you put the water in the water in the bath. This is something I just learned. Put some Epsom salt in the bath and then drop. I put six drops of lavender in the Epsom salt, and I kind of stirred it all around before I turned on the water and took a really relaxing, juicy bath. It slept so great. Another thing I didn't know about lavender is that you can actually apply lavender to sunburns. You can use a carrier oil, like almond oil or coconut oil, and mix it with a few drops of lavender, and you can put it on sunburns, and it's really good for the skin. What? So, yeah, I'm learning about lavender oil. I'm playing with it in my life, and it's making a huge difference. So I wanted to let you guys in on that. I'm going to be learning and sharing about essential oils here on the solo shows, because I am a young living consultant, which is hilarious because I don't know anything about it. So that's what I'm going to use the podcast for, is to kind of share what I'm learning about it, and in the process, if you're like, Hey, that sounds really cool, you can get in touch and find out more about essential oils

from me. Yes, so we're gonna wrap things up here, but before we do, I hope that you all enjoyed my little Father's Day show last week. It was really special to get to interview my family and have them on the show. Thank you so much for all of your feedback, and I want to get you excited, because next week I have Carrie Forman on from the get grounded blog, and you will hear in the interview, you will actually hear two women completely fall in love with each other. She I mean, it was like talking to a sister that I never knew I had, and we talk about what it means to be grounded, what it means to really be in our souls work, and I am so, so excited one that I got to meet Carrie and that she came on the podcast. So get excited about that. I can't wait to hear your feedback about the solo show. My hope is that it entertained, that it informed, that it inspired keep showing up in the live in love with joyful courage. Group. I love, love, love the conversations that are happening there. Also this is, I'm just wrapping up the joyful courage 10 program, and this weekend, actually, the registration for the living joyful courage membership program opens up for new members. And I'm going to let you hear directly from one of the gals in my program. So this is Heidi,

Speaker 2 23:27
being a part of the living, joyful courage membership program has encouraged me to continue practicing to be the parent and person that I want to be. I choose my experienced situations. There is no easy answer to fix my kids behavior. It is more about how I be with my kids that creates a good experience, versus what I do to make them listen to me. Since starting this practice, I feel a stronger connection with my kids. I feel a shift in myself, and I believe I am the perfect mom for my kids. Others should consider this program, because this parenting journey is not easy and it's an ongoing practice. The support and information Casey provides with emails, webinars, coaching calls is so beneficial, and she provides it in a way that is easy to understand and put directly into practice, I have also found there's so much value in a tribe of parents sharing experiences, willing to listen and offer encouragement, and it reminds me that I am not alone on this journey.

Casey O'Roarty 24:33
Ah, I love Heidi, and she is just one of a bunch of amazing parents in the living, joyful courage membership community who is actively involved and in support celebration and in the sharing of her own challenges. And I just gotta, I just gotta say this. I'm just gonna tell you guys. So I created this membership program. It came from. The last fall, I did a 10 week program with 50 parents called the intentional parenting project. And at the end of the 10 weeks, the feedback was, this is too much information, and this is too short of amount of time to integrate it into our lives. And so those parents actually helped me to develop the membership program. And every month, we have a different theme, and I deliver content on the theme through a monthly webinar. And then the weeks that follow the webinar, we have, once a week, a group coach call, and that's a place where the parents get to share and get coaching around what they are struggling with. And we also have a closed Facebook group discussion. We use Voxer at which is an audio messaging app and WhatsApp. So there's so many different places where these parents are in communication with each other. And just this morning, just this morning, I sent out a message to the group, just talking about how humbled and how in awe I am of you know, I created this space, but what they have done with it is tremendous. And we joke around that we all wish that our backyards were connected to one another, because we have truly created a circle of parents that are close. And we deep dive every time. There's no surface conversation, it's a deep dive conversation. Every time somebody posts something that they're that they're struggling with, or something that they're celebrating, and it's just been amazing. So if you've been on the fence about the membership program for the first half of the year, I'm telling you, get in on it. Now, get in on it. Now. It is continuously growing and evolving and and it's just a it's a really powerful experience that is changing the lives of the families that are choosing to be involved in it. So if you are excited and you're thinking that that might be a good fit for you, you can go to joyful courage.com/ljc, living joyful courage. And from there, you will find ways to register. And there's a lot of options. Some people are doing the monthly the monthly membership, which just means every month, once a month, you pay and and you can do it month by month. Some people choose into a every three months option, where you automatically are billed every three months, while other people have paid for the whole year. And for those of you that are joining us in right now, it would be a six month commitment. So the other piece of that as well is you can choose into being a VIP member, and the VIP member gets you everything that the regular membership is, as well as 245 minute individual coaching calls with me each month. So the VIP membership is available to those that are committed to three months of the extra coaching, and, yeah, it's awesome. And I am here to serve. I'm here to serve you. I am grateful for this calling and for my gifts, and just really, really humbled. I just keep coming back to humbled by the opportunities that are coming up for me to share those gifts with you. So if you have any questions about the living joyful courage program, you can message me on Facebook or Instagram. You can send me an email at Casey at joyful courage.com I would love to know your questions, and I'm just really hoping that you all see, you join us, because it's just this, it's like we feel like we've found this, like treasure box of goodness. And you know, the more people that we can bring into this fold, bring into the conversations that we're have having, you know, the better world that we're going to be a part of, right? We are in the creation of the future by raising our children. And there is no greater, more important job to have and inside of that means that we got to show up to it, right? It is up to us to show up, to learn, to explore, to expand, to grow, to take looks inside of ourselves at the ways that we are in the creation of some of the challenges or dramas that might be showing up in our lives. And believe me, I am in it too. I know that it's not easy. I know that it's not easy, and the living, joyful Courage Program really supports in creating a system, creating a space where it's you just, you're you're a part of something bigger than you. So there you go. That's my pitch. Join us and join me again next week with Carrie foreman, super excited about that. Chat. Shout out and special thanks to this week's sponsor, talkspace.com Remember to use talkspace.com/joyful and the coupon code joyful to get $30 off your first month with talkspace. Thank you. Chris Mann, you're the man at pod shaper.com the producer with the mostest and Anna Proctor, not only did she supply the content for this week's podcast, but she's also my super kick ass assistant, helping me behind the scenes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Joyful courage exists because of this try, because of the people that helped me out, I am in deep gratitude, and look forward to showing up for you again next week.