Eps 9: Whose problem is it? Joint Problem Solving with Kids

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:16
Hey everybody, welcome back to the joyful courage parenting podcast where I aspire to inspire you, educate and entertain through some really great interviews today, episode nine, I will be talking with marceli Smith Boyle from workingparenting.com and marceli is going to share loads of information around joint problem solving with our kids, and talk about how the power of coming together with our kids to solve problems together is so so helpful, and it takes the pressure off of us to have to solve every problem. So I can't wait for you to get to know marceli, keep listening.

Hey. Marceli Smith, Boyle, working parenting.com I'm so excited that I get to interview you today. Thanks for agreeing to be a guest on the joyful courage parenting podcast.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 1:18
Well, Casey, it is my pleasure. I am delighted to be invited and so happy to be a part of this. Yay.

Casey O'Roarty 1:26
Well, tell us about who you are and about your offers to the world.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 1:31
Oh, boy. Well, first off, I'm a mom. That's my biggest job. I have three awesome kids aged 1512, and eight, and like you, I'm also a coach, and like you, I'm also certified in positive discipline, and I'm also certified professional life and leadership coach. And what I love to do most is I love to help busy working parents find work they love, while still being able to show up as the parent they want to be. Sound familiar? Yeah, for sure.

Casey O'Roarty 2:08
What's your number?

Marcilie Smith Boyle 2:12
So you know, this sounds familiar to a lot of people, and this is also my own story, because I went through my own major career transition around 2010 when I decided, after having worked so hard to get my Harvard MBA and then spend 16 years in corporate America, after all that, I decided, ah, I don't think I want to do that. What I really want to do is focus on people rather than products. And after some soul searching, I said goodbye to the corporate world and became a coach.

Casey O'Roarty 2:49
I don't you feel I feel so lucky, yeah, so lucky that what I offer to the world is actually exactly in alignment with what I need most in my life.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 3:02
Yep, I know you can relate. It's a great, great job. Yeah? Complete honor. And so fun and and really exciting to be able to help people connect to their definition of success. Yeah, that's, that's what I love to do, help people define success on their own terms and and then go find work they love and be the parent they want to be from that place.

Casey O'Roarty 3:26
Sweet. How long have you been teaching positive discipline?

Marcilie Smith Boyle 3:29
Let's see. I got certified in 2012 and I've been teaching it since 2012

Casey O'Roarty 3:36
and where are you? Are you in Oakland?

Marcilie Smith Boyle 3:38
Yes, Oakland, California.

Casey O'Roarty 3:39
Nice. Right on, yay. Well, I'm so glad that you're here, and I'm really excited because today, we're gonna spend some time talking about joint problem solving with kids. And I love that. I love talking about joint problem solving and what it looks like and how it feels. And you had told me that you spent some time studying the collaborative problem solving model with Ross green. And for the listeners who don't know who lost, Ross green is, oh my gosh, he is the bomb.com for sure. He wrote, he wrote lost at school, which is such an important book. And if you are a teacher out there, or, I mean, you're all parents, I think so. A great a great gift, a great Christmas gift for teachers. I love to get really juicy teacher books for teachers for as Christmas gifts instead of like mugs and coffee cards. Great idea lost at school is so fantastic. So tell us, tell me. Tell me about what it was like to work with Ross green and about this workshop and all this joint problem solving stuff.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 4:47
Okay, sure, so part of my transition to becoming a coach involved getting to understand one of my kids better. He was struggling at school. School, and someone introduced me to Ross Green's book, but his second book, which is called the explosive child,

Casey O'Roarty 5:07
I forget that he wrote that too, all right, and it's

Marcilie Smith Boyle 5:11
a great book, and in it, he describes a collaborative problem solving process in detail. But I think the book is poorly named. I think it's poorly lamed, because this process for solving problems with kids, in my opinion, is great for all kinds of kids, not just the explosive ones. Yeah, so this, I think they should Rena. He should rename the book, you know, the average child, right?

Casey O'Roarty 5:36
Yeah. I wonder like, so I would. I've seen it. I know that people reference it, but I've never felt like drawn to it, because I don't, I don't resonate with I mean, I'm not, because my kids don't have meltdowns. But when I think of explosive, I think of that really extreme behavior, right? Is it written to that or is it really written to any parent? It's so

Marcilie Smith Boyle 5:59
funny, because I never would have picked that book up either. I don't have explosive kids for sure, right? They explode at times, but I wouldn't characterize them that way. And so I never would have picked it up, but somebody recommended it to me, and I read it, and it just it hit me. It struck me in a whole new way, and I use it for all my kids, and I teach it. I've taken his process and I've kind of made it my own, and I teach it to parents in my positive discipline classes. Because for me, after I read the book and applied it, it literally transformed my relationship with my then tween. Yeah, it was it was juicy. It was juicy. And in a way, you know, I had known about joint problem solving before. I'd taken parenting classes and had heard about joint problem solving from many different parenting models, including positive discipline, but for some reason, his model reached me at a level that I hadn't been reached before.

Casey O'Roarty 7:03
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. Tell us more. Tell us more. So you've created your own thing, right? I have, yeah, but

Marcilie Smith Boyle 7:10
I'll tell you the gist of raw screens process, and I'm just gonna call it CPS for short, because elaborate on problem solving is a lot of syllables, don't you think it's

Casey O'Roarty 7:22
funny that it's called CPS, though, yeah, it is a little confusing. But okay, CPS tell us about Yeah. So the gist of

Marcilie Smith Boyle 7:30
it is, is, you know, very obviously, the gist is to involve kids in solving their own behavior challenges. And while that sounds kind of very simple, it's, it's not really that simple, because it seems to me that as parents, we tend to feel like it's our job to solve our kids' behavior challenges. You know, we feel like it's as parents we have to have the answer. We need to act quickly and decisively to put a stop to challenging behavior, right? But the truth is, our kids can be awesome problem solvers, and they can help solve their own problems, often better than we can have. You found that to be true. Yes, I know you have, because I've been listening to your podcasts

Casey O'Roarty 8:13
and your blogs. Oh, man, and it's really counterintuitive for this controlling mama to remember that there is some deep wisdom in the process of inviting them into that conversation and remembering too that inviting them in is also opening the door for them to be invested in the solution, like it's way more helpful,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 8:38
absolutely, yep, yep. And it's way more helpful because of the neuroscientific truth that no two brains are exactly alike. Every brain, every person has their own, even identical twins has their own set of experiences, life experiences and different kinds of connections in their brains. So whenever anybody, any brain, is confronted with a new piece of information or a new experience, the brain is constantly trying to figure out how that new bit of information fits with what's already there. And if the brain can see easily how it fits, you know, it clicks into place, it connects. They accept it, they own it, and they're more likely to follow through. So, you know, we just the brain just likes its own ideas best, and when we can help our kids come up with the ideas, it's just neurologically easier for them to then follow through, because it just makes more sense to them.

Casey O'Roarty 9:37
I am so excited for all the people that are listening to this podcast right now, because that was so well said,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 9:46
Oh, cool. Well, I learned that from David Rock of the neuro leadership group. I took a course in coaching from his organization, and it was called, it's basically the neuroscience of leadership. So really. Be cool. And my huge insight in taking that class, okay, I don't want to diverge too much, was simply to notice how, how many similarities there are. There were in the neuroscience of leadership and positive discipline, they go hand. It was so exciting to see, yeah, that's

Casey O'Roarty 10:16
how I feel whenever I read anything by Dan Siegel. It's like, Oh yeah, yeah. All the science behind everything that we are encouraging parents to play with in parenting and in relationship, yeah. It definitely does. Okay. Well, tell us about so. So tell us about process now. So it's all great. We want to invite them in.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 10:37
Yep, we want to invite them in. And the other cool thing about joint problem solving. You know, not only as kids can help solve their problems even better than we would alone, they're having more ownership and follow through. And the other really bonus kicker is that when we involve our kids in solving their own behavior challenges, they're also learning how to solve problems. Awesome, right? So they're really how to listen, how to empathize, how to brainstorm solutions, how to compromise, how to make agreements, how to follow through, all of those awesome long term life skills that everybody wants for their

Casey O'Roarty 11:15
kids. Well. And you know what else is so exciting about this process? And I know you know this, but I want to highlight it too, is as we when the unspoken message is, I see you, I trust you, I have faith in you. You are capable. You know I care about you. It's this whole beautiful relationship builder, and I love to say to parents like the biggest, most powerful tool that you have to influence the behavior of your kids is the relationship that you've built with them. Yeah, and all of these things, like everything you're talking about, anytime we invite them in, like that, it's, it's an invitation to relationship. And I love that.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 11:56
Absolutely could not agree more. Yeah, for sure. Yep. So the his process, rascreens process has really three main steps, which is to empathize and gather information from the child, from their perspective. Second step is to define the problem, and the third is to brainstorm solutions together with your child. So it sounds like a pretty simple process, and it isn't. It isn't, but the most powerful part of collaborative problem solving for me was not necessarily in the process, but rather in how Ross green talks about shifting your perspective, shifting the way you look and think and feel and about behavior challenges in general. You know, he talks about recognizing something that, of course, we know in positive discipline that behavior is really just a sign of something deeper that's going on. And as parents were most helpful when we can focus on that deeper thing, rather than just the behavior itself.

Casey O'Roarty 13:07
Yep, love that,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 13:10
and so I love I now say in my parenting classes, your child's behavior is not the problem.

Speaker 1 13:19
What's the problem? I the problem.

Casey O'Roarty 13:30
I was all ready to say, You're the problem. And then I thought to myself, Oh, my God, do you really say that to him? I let them, I let them come to that realization by like, week three or so?

Unknown Speaker 13:42
Yes, that usually takes about three weeks

Casey O'Roarty 13:45
straight. Yeah, but I love that you the child's behavior isn't the problem, the problem is the problem,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 13:50
and the problem is always underneath the surface, yeah? And when the problem gets solved, then what the behavior on the surface subsides? Yes, yeah. Yeah. So you know Ross Green's mantra, kids do well if they can, kids do well if they can. Just means that when kids have the skills to meet the demands of the expectations or the demands of the situation, they do well, but when the demands of the situation outstrip their developmental skills, or their gross or fine motor skills, or their frustration tolerance or their emotional regulation skills, when there's a gap, then that's often when that challenging behavior shows up. Yep. So it sounds theoretical at this point, I wonder if I can just give an example do it of of the what happens when you shift your focus from the behavior to the to the problem, which is underneath. And this is an example from my own child who wasn't turning in his homework. So he did it, then he just couldn't get it. Turned in the next day, which would frustrate me like to no end, because I can't understand how someone can't just turn in their homework, because I certainly was able to do it, and why can't he and so the normal, the kind of traditional parenting response might have been, well, fine, there's going to be a consequence, you know, no no TV today, or no screen time, or you can't have your playdate if you don't turn in your homework. That might be addressing the behavior. And

Casey O'Roarty 15:26
isn't that the thought behind that about, if I create enough pain, you will want to avoid the pain, yeah, and do the right thing, right? That's kind of the mindset that I hear from parents. Okay, sorry, no,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 15:38
I think that's a great insight. It is about, you know, the assumption is that it's about pain avoidance, that my child understands the pain and the and they're going to avoid the pain. It's going to be worth it to them to avoid the pain. But that just kind of highlights the problem here, right? Because those consequences or rewards or punishments, they often don't work, because I'm not addressing the problem. I'm addressing the you know, the behavior that's on the surface, the thing that we can see. So when I actually took the time to empathize and listen to what was going on from his perspective, I recognized that the problem was not about not turning in homework. The problem was organizational skills. He didn't have the organizational skills to be able to keep track of the assignments. And he also had some auditory processing skills, which means he didn't always hear when the teacher was asking for the homework to go up. And so it was a matter of skills. The problem was organization and and hearing so when I shift my focus now down to the actual problem, we're going to do completely different things, find totally different solutions that might actually be helpful.

Casey O'Roarty 16:57
Oh, that is so good. That is so good. I love that, and I love it's a great example, too. We, you know, because when we create those consequences, we're assuming that all of a sudden they're gonna have the skills that are missing, right, but that the consequences don't teach any

Unknown Speaker 17:17
skills, right? Right? Yeah. So

Casey O'Roarty 17:20
who's the fool in that situation, right? Yeah, I love that. Okay, so what? So you're moving on, so you're addressing the problem, figuring out the problem is this organizational

Marcilie Smith Boyle 17:30
piece, and then brainstorming solutions together with my child to figure out, well, what's going to work for you, what's going to make it easier for you to be able to follow through and turn in this homework that you worked so hard on. And so we did a number of things, but one of them was we created an organizational system in his binder with different colored tabs and folders, clearly written homework due, homework to Turkey, homework to be done so that he had a little, you know, a physical system to support the outcome that he wanted, and that was way more helpful than saying no screen time after school,

Casey O'Roarty 18:09
right? Well, yeah, and, and what I'm hearing if Okay, so then my next question, because I think this is always really fun to highlight for parents too, is. So you, you made these cute, you know, this great little binder for him, and then all of the problem was solved, right? It never showed up again, right? How did you know it's like magic?

Marcilie Smith Boyle 18:31
Oh, yeah, yeah. So we had to try it out for a while, yeah, learn what parts of it were working. Learn what parts of it weren't. Come make modifications. And, you know, try

Casey O'Roarty 18:42
again, try again. Love that, yep,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 18:44
yep. So that's, that's really the perspective shift that I'm talking about that was so, so powerful for me. And it's in positive discipline too, but it's just stated in a different way. In positive discipline, it's more looking at the belief that's behind the behavior. Yep. And this, this raw screens model, though, also led me to think about, what are the lagging or lacking skills behind the behavior? Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 19:09
so powerful. Yeah. And then you made it your own. I made it my own. So tell us. I want to hear about the acronym.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 19:19
Okay, so the acronym is pesos. That's P, as in Penguin, E, S, O, S, and pesos is my own recipe for joint problem solving. It's, it's heavily based on Ross Green's work, but also on positive discipline and how to talk so kids listen and listen. So kids talk. Yeah, we all know that one. And the truth is, I have yet to find a parenting philosophy that doesn't advocate joint problem solving, right. So my problem, though, was that while I understood and agreed with what I was learning about joint problem solving, I had a hard time remembering what to do when I got home. Okay? So pesos. Is my way of making it easier to remember. And again, this is drawing on from my learning, from the neural leadership group that you know, the brain remembers things easier when it has a mnemonic or an acronym or a visual or an image to to fall back on. So the it's pesos, and there are five steps, one for each letter in the process, which I'll tell you about. And then, of course, the power is in the process, but also it's in that perspective shift, you know, seeing looking at the problem rather than the behavior, seeing your child as a partner rather than, you know, the recipient of your dictates. And it's also about shifting how you see yourself, so seeing yourself as a problem solver and a teacher, rather than as a rewarder and punisher of behavior. And what, what rascreen says is, when you just decide to see your child as someone who's trying to do the right thing. Someone who wants to do well, but something's getting in their way, a whole new set of solutions can open up for you.

Casey O'Roarty 21:11
Yeah, well, I'm hearing underneath what you're saying is the opportunity to not take things so flippin personal. Oh my gosh, we become crazy people.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 21:23
I know, yeah, I can relate to that. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 21:26
yeah,

Unknown Speaker 21:27
do this to me.

Casey O'Roarty 21:27
I know. How could you maybe you're making me so mad, and then it's like, in the next breath, it's you're in charge of you. But by the way, you're making me act like a crazy person. Yes,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 21:39
exactly. Yeah. Ocracy is beautiful, isn't it? Yeah? Okay, so that's the perspective shift, and that's huge. And then there's the five steps. There's one prerequisite, though, to doing joint problem solving with pesos. So really, any model, and that is that both you and your child must be level headed, so calm in a good place, emotionally. And I'm right now. I've actually got both my arms out to the sides of my body like an airplane, and this is my body representation of being level headed. So imagine then you take your arms, and you tilt them like a seesaw, so that one arms down and one arms up right, this is the body position of not being level headed. So in your right hand, if it's up, that represents intensity, and when intensity is high, because you're on this teeter totter and your left hand is low, your left hand represents problem solving and communication skills, and those are necessarily low. So when intensity is high, communication and problem solving skills are low, and that is not a good time to engage in joint problem solving.

Casey O'Roarty 22:56
And is this connected to right brain? Emotional, right brain and logical, linear left brain. Is that why you use the right and the left? I'm totally doing the pose right now.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 23:06
Yeah, good. Okay. Now it isn't. You could do it any way you want. What it's more connected to is Dan Siegel's hand model the brain and flipping your lid. You know? Yep. So when you're level headed, it's when your lid is down and you're calm and you're cool, and you're able to access the part of your brain that has higher thinking abilities and self control and empathy and all that good stuff. So that's the prerequisite. Be level headed, both you and your child. I've tried to do joint problem solving when I was level headed, but my child wasn't. And I was like, why isn't it working? And yeah, you need both participants to be in that place, which means that most of the time, successful problem solving with your kids is happening, not happening in the moment, right? You're not happening. It's you do it outside of the moment. Does that make sense? Totally

Casey O'Roarty 23:56
I love giving parents that permission. I think it's, it's like everybody takes a sigh of relief. You know, it doesn't have to be right this minute. They're not gonna forget. They're not gonna, you know, it's actually gonna be better. Because I don't know when was it, who's who said that you need to nip it in the bud right when it shows up. Because that was a disservice. It

Marcilie Smith Boyle 24:18
was a disservice, but it feels it's just, I think we're physiologically or societally conditioned to think that we got to get it done now. And I am a little bit because I'm impatient. I like to get things done and move on and boom, boom, check done. And it's just not as effective when you try to solve problems, when people are emotionally charged for sure. So, yeah, so that's the prerequisite, and then the five steps, and I'm going to go through this really quickly, because otherwise it could take forever and bore people to tears. So, and I'm going to give access to everybody who's listening, give access to a handout which has each of the five steps and kind of a how to guide. Provide, as well as a video of me doing it with my then five year old daughter, perfect. So it can really come to life. Yeah, I'll put that in the show notes for sure. Okay, awesome. Yeah, so the five steps go with each letter, and the first letter is a p, and the first P stands for permission, and this is the first step, because it's about giving yourself permission to engage in joint problem solving, and it's also about getting your child's permission to engage. So your permission is, Hey, am I level headed? If I am not, don't give yourself permission to engage. And then for your child, it's about getting their permission to talk about the subject. And which feels, for some people and for me too, this feels like, oh, wait, wait a minute, I'm in charge here. Why do I need to ask my child's permission to talk about their problem? You know, does how does that make sense? And but the reason it makes sense is simply that when you get their agreement on when to talk about the issue, they're just much more likely to be able to engage and have a productive discussion and be level headed themselves. And

Casey O'Roarty 26:13
I'm not hearing you say we're asking for permission to problem solve. We're asking we're inviting them into the conversation about, hey, we have a problem to solve. When, when are you willing? Absolutely like the conversation is happening.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 26:28
Yes, yeah, yep. So it's about, and so some people say, Oh, the P should stand for, pick a good time. So you could make that sound but I like, I like permission, but pick a good time could be too. Yeah, so it really is about, it is about timing, yeah, and, and, but also getting your child's agreement. Yeah, I'm open to talking about the subject, because when they've given you that first, yes, the door is much more open to having a really good, productive conversation. Cool. And the next step is E. E stands for empathize, and this is just like raw screen. This is about understanding the problem from your child's perspective, helping them feel heard, letting them get that sense of belonging and significance that is so important and and often this step if you're really good about listening and trying to get understanding, often, what you find out is that what you thought was the problem isn't, you know, you go into it. I remember once I did this with my son who didn't want to brush his teeth, and I thought, well, I know why he's not brushing his teeth. It's because it's it takes too much time. It's a pain. He forgets, you know that's why. But when I asked him about it and empathize, hey buddy, I noticed that brushing your teeth, that we're struggling and we're brushing your teeth, what's up? He says, I don't like the taste of the toothpaste.

Casey O'Roarty 28:00
That's an easy one to solve. I

Marcilie Smith Boyle 28:02
know I'm like, Really, why didn't you tell me that, like, a year ago? But he didn't. It didn't occur to him to tell me. It didn't occur to me to ask, and boy, we're down a completely different line of solutions, right, right? Yeah. So empathizing is a really, really critical step, not just because it helps your child feel connected, feel heard and understood, but also because it can lead you to the real problem. Yeah, so that's the E, and this is the step that most parents, in my experience, skip. They go right to just solving the problem, but if you start here, you're going to get totally different results. And

Casey O'Roarty 28:45
you know, I just want to chime in too. What I notice when it's the invitation to listen the language that's really helpful for me and my experience is, tell me about tell me about brushing your teeth. Tell me about how it feels. Tell me, yeah, and that feels a lot different than why don't you want to brush your teeth?

Marcilie Smith Boyle 29:11
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the empath that does not sound empathetic.

Casey O'Roarty 29:15
No, no. And tone matters. Tone matters a lot.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 29:19
And the two two critical things to pay attention to when you open up the discussion and you you introduce the topic, is that you make it very specific

and neutral. So the way, what you just did Casey was both of those things. So tell me about brushing your teeth. How does that make you feel? Very specific. We're talking about tooth brushing and neutral. So it's there's no why haven't you? Why is this a problem for you? No. So when it's neutral and specific, then kids don't feel defensive. They're open and they know what this is about, right? I've seen some parents will say something like, you know, I've noticed that I have to nag you to do anything. What's going on? Tell me more about that.

Casey O'Roarty 30:17
Right? Judgment,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 30:19
yeah, not neutral. And wait a minute, what problem are we solving here?

Casey O'Roarty 30:24
But you know what I do? What I do say is, I'll say, what do you notice about me at bedtime? Or what do you know? How do I act? Which I also tell parents, like and ground yourself, because they're going to tell you you're really bossy. And mean, yeah, and you don't get defensive, right? It's about opening up the, the opportunity for them to, to be really honest, yeah, and it's a great, you know? It's a great opportunity to kind of reflect on our own stuff

Marcilie Smith Boyle 30:56
well, and you're also in, what you're doing is modeling, being open to hearing feedback, which that's a cool life skill, yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay, so that's the empathy stage, and you stay there until you feel like you really understand the problem from the child's perspective, and when you do, then you restate it back. So it sounds like your concern is you don't like the taste of the toothpaste. Well, that sounds like a valid concern, and you validate their concern. Then once you've done that, then you're ready to go to the next s in pesos, which is to state your concern or share your feelings as the parent. So the problem is there are two concerns, your child's and yours, and both are valid. So here you just state your concern. Some, some I encourage parents to just be, you know, short and sweet. So my concern is, if you don't brush your teeth, you're going to get cavities, and it's going to be painful. And there you go. You've done that step. Then the next step, the O in pesos is options brainstorming. This is where you get to involve your child in brainstorming solutions. Find some good options. And you can invite that by saying, Hey, I wonder if there's a way for us to find a win, win here. Now. Is there a way for you to enjoy the taste of toothpaste and still be able to get your teeth brushed. Or for homework, I wonder if there's a way to make homework easier for you to do and still be able to get the practice you need for your writing assignments, for example, and then you brainstorm and and here's where I recommend that parents actually write down on a paper the ideas that you're brainstorming, so that your child understands you're really listening. You're serious about this. And as in all brainstorming, the rules are, all ideas get recorded, no evaluation whatsoever. And often, my kids will test me in this stage and say, Well, I would like to use strawberry jam for toothpaste. How about that? And I'll be like, that's an idea, and I write it down, strawberry jam for toothpaste. So you get your list of ideas. And sometimes kids who haven't participated in this process before might be resistant, or they may not really trust that you're really listening. So you may need to offer some ideas yourself and and just to get the the that you know the wheels spinning right, right. So that's the options brainstorming step, and then the last step is the S. The last s is to select an idea to try and there are two criteria for this. The idea must be realistic. So you need to tell your kids in advance. The idea that we choose has got to be realistic, and it must be mutually satisfactory. We both gotta like it well enough. Doesn't have to be perfect or awesome, but just we both gotta be okay with it. So after what I'll do is I'll look back at the options and I'll say, you cross out the ideas that you can't live with. I'll cross out the ideas that I can't live with, and you choose from what remains that comes from Faber and mazliches. How to talk so kids listen and listen. So kids talk,

Casey O'Roarty 34:32
yeah. It also reminds me of when we teach making agreements in positive discipline as well. We do that right, and the solutions, helpful, reasonable, related resource. Now, what is it? Respect? Respectful, related, reasonable help and helpful, right? I love helpful piece like, Will this be helpful?

Marcilie Smith Boyle 34:53
Yeah, that awesome. I'm glad you brought that in there, because that we really are looking for solutions that meet all of those criteria. Interior, yeah, and then you go with it, you try it out for a week, just like you know you would when you make any sort of agreement, you try it out, then you make a date to come back and see how it's going. Love that. And that's, that's, that's pesos.

Casey O'Roarty 35:15
I love pesos.

Marcilie Smith Boyle 35:17
Oh, I'm so glad. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 35:19
thank you. I just they're so it's so good, it's so in line with it just feels right to the soul, right? It just feels so natural and intuitive to say, Hey, come on into this process with me. And I could just see, well, I know, because I didn't call it pesos, but this is, you know, how we that's what we do at our house, too, and it's so powerful, even when it isn't helpful, even when the week goes by and I get to say, You know what, I noticed that this wasn't helpful. Or I say, how did that? How was that solution for you? And they get to say, yeah, it didn't really work out. And I get to say, well, we have this whole list of ideas. Is there something you want to try this week, or is there something different, you know? And then again, that ongoing opportunity for relationship, for encouragement, for expressing how capable I know that they are, but also that it's so much more relaxing to say, oh, to think to myself, like I don't, this doesn't have to be solved perfectly, right? Now, it's about process,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 36:28
right, right? Yeah, that's huge, I think, and also just, I think it's also realistic to expect that any change in behavior is going to take following up on it and checking in on it and reminding because behaviors, they're like habits, and they take time and repetition and revision and support in order to really make them stick.

Casey O'Roarty 36:52
Yeah, and this is the laboratory for life skill learning, right? It's all of these little processes, these little conversations, these little exchanges over time ultimately will more than likely result in kids that grow into adults that are embodying the life skills that we want our neighbors and bosses and future leaders to, you know, be embodying. So thank you so much for sharing that my pleasure, I am gonna get that file from you. The handout will be in the show notes. And as well as the video, I'm super excited to watch the video. And marceli, where else? How else can people get in touch with you? Follow you. What are your social media outlets? Do a little promo here. Girl, okay,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 37:41
all right. So well, my my website is working parenting.com and I do a blog there. And if you go to my website and sign up for the free gift, which is 15 tools for inviting cooperation, I have a PDF that you could down, that you'll be able to download when you sign up for that free gift, then we'll be in touch and you can and I sent, you'll be in my list to get my blog, which comes out about monthly with a parenting or life tip for work life balance or showing up the way you want to with your Kids or parenting. And then I'm on tweet Twitter occasionally. At

Casey O'Roarty 38:23
Twitter, I'm on Twitter occasionally,

Marcilie Smith Boyle 38:28
occasionally. And my my Facebook page, if you just search for working parenting, I'll pop up and and you can see my blogs and articles, and I often share yours. Yeah, great. Thank you. I appreciate that. Oh, and my email is, well, it's hard to spell, I don't know marceli Smith, [email protected] and marceli is spelled M, A, R, C, I, L, I, E, Smith, just like it sounds. Boyle, B, O, y, l, [email protected]

Casey O'Roarty 39:00
Great, awesome. Thank you so much. I am so glad that we got to talk today and listeners again, check out the show notes and just know that we are glad that you get to listen in on conversations like this, making the world a better place. That's

Unknown Speaker 39:17
what we're doing. I

Casey O'Roarty 39:18
hope kids and families. Woo All right. Thank you, my friend. All right. Thank

Marcilie Smith Boyle 39:23
you, Casey, bye, bye, bye.

Casey O'Roarty 39:27
Don't forget podcast listeners. I need your feedback. I need your help. I want to know that you're listening. I want to know what's working for you. I want to know what you want to hear about. I mean, I will continue to take guesses and find people that inspire me and interview them, and I would love to know who inspires you. So be in touch. You can either leave a comment if you're listening to this through the website, you can leave a comment at the end of the show notes. You can leave me a review on iTunes. Please do that also. You could leave a voice recording. You will see on the website that there is a speak pipe app where you can leave me a voice recording, and you might just hear yourself on the show. All right. Big Love to all of you out there, happy Parenting, glad that we're all in this together.