Eps 8: Talking About the Birds and Bees and Kids with Amy Lang

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Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:20
Hey, this is Casey, and you are listening to the joyful courage parenting podcast, a place for inspiration and information on the parenting journey. I'm super excited about today's show because I have my friend who I love, Amy Lang, from birds and bees and kids that is joining us today, and so we're talking about sex and sexual development, and talking to our kids about sex and sexual development. So I have labeled this episode as explicit, not because we're getting into the mechanics of, you know, bumping and grinding, but because we're going to be talking about, you know, kind of a what do I say? Fragile No, that's not a good word. I don't know what a good word is for, but we're talking about a subject that maybe you don't want blasting through your home if your kids are around. So stick your earbuds in, plug in your headphones, and fold some laundry, or take a drive or do what you need to do, take a run and listen in on the conversation. It was so, so fun to talk to Amy about this subject, which often gets really weighty and uncomfortable. She just has a gift for making it not feel like that. So I'm stoked that you're listening, and I love your feedback. Okay, so be sure after the podcast to send me a message about what landed or feel free to use the Speak pipe app to send me a voice message about what you loved about this show. All right, so without further ado, let's talk to Amy. You.

Amy Lang, I am so glad that you agreed to come on the joyful courage parenting podcast. Welcome. Thank

Amy Lang 2:12
you. I would not say no to you. You're one of my favorite parent educators ever.

Casey O'Roarty 2:16
I know I love that you are my friend, and I keep you on speed dial as I navigate, send really long texts as I navigate the sexual development of my kids. Oh my gosh, even saying that out loud is crazy the sexual development of my kids. Tell the listeners about yourself, your background and all your good stuff? Yeah,

Amy Lang 2:41
I will tell all my good stuff. So I am a sexual health educator, and I have been for a very, very long time, over 20 years. And originally I worked with teenagers and adults, and I was so happy and able and willing to help people who were dealing with unplanned pregnancies or needed STD testing. I loved doing that work, and I thought I was going to be an amazing sex talker when it came time for me to talk to my own child, and I was a mess. I basically freaked out when I thought he was going to tell me it felt good to touch his penis, and I knew I was in trouble, and so I had this aha moment. And I also have a background as an adult educator. That's what my master's focus was. And so I thought, You know what? I love talking about sex, and I love working with adults, so I'm just going to combine these two loves, and I will teach parents how to talk to their kids about sex. And that was about 10 years ago, and I've been going strong ever since. So that's what I do. And I work with parents of primarily kids ages like three or four, sort of preschool, into early middle school, like just starting middle school. That's my sweet spot. And I got your business. So it's called birds and bees and kids. And the website is birds and beesandkids.com and I'm on Facebook, birds bees, kids. And I'm on Twitter, birds and bees, which I think is like the biggest Twitter coup ever. Can you believe that's my Twitter handle, birds and bees. So I am very active there, and I have helped 1000s, I think. But maybe million, maybe a million parents by now, or kids anyway, let's

Casey O'Roarty 4:16
say millions. I

Amy Lang 4:18
like that. Yeah, millions of adults primarily figure out how to talk about this really uncomfortable and confusing and seemingly complicated part of life and parenting.

Casey O'Roarty 4:31
I've heard you speak and you have you often. I hear you saying that starting the sex talk early is really important, and I hear in my own little circles fears from parents, or not even so much fears like just the stories that people will say, like, oh, they asked me how babies were born, he, he, he, and this is what I came up with. Or, you know, the little pet names about things. And what I've heard you talk about is really like. Right? Keep it real. Keep it, you know, appropriate for the age. But also, don't like pet names are not needed, and tell them the truth with and it's funny too, because I don't know when I talk to parents about what I've shared with my kids, like telling them where babies come from doesn't is not the same as saying the penis goes in the vagina, and then you pump and pump and pump. And I mean, like, I don't add that part, right, right? So tell us what you mean when you talk about encouraging parents to get talking early. Yeah,

Amy Lang 5:34
thank you. And yes, you are right. It is not, we are not the joy of sex or the Kama Sutra for our children, that's, you know, something for them to figure out how to do. It is something that's gonna happen, hopefully when they're in their late 20s, early 30s, something like that. But I've got a long way to go to get there. So yeah, my belief, and all of my work is research based. I really spend a lot of time trying to figure out what we can do as parents to help our kids wait as long as possible before they have sex, and then when they do, make that decision to do it safely, emotionally and physically safely. So one of the things I discovered, and this is 10 years ago, so it was pretty crazy, and people still think it's crazy, that in countries where they do really, really well in terms of kids' sexual health, they have really early conversations. So when kids are in kindergarten, they talk to them about how babies are made, and it is the penis goes in the vagina, but it's not and pump and pump and pump. It's the general basic nuts and bolts of penises and vaginas and sperms and eggs and babies growing in uteruses and eventually coming out Mama's vaginas. So it's how babies are made. It's that whole process of baby making. And if you think about it in terms of it's the science, like we start with our young kids, with the science and the biology. And the beauty of talking to a kid who's five or four is that they are all ears. They're totally open. They don't think there's anything yucky, bad, embarrassing, shameful about this part of life. That's what we bring to the party. Unfortunately, that's something that we teach our kids. So our kids are super open, and they're funny, you know, I parents tell me all the time, yeah, I told my kid, penis goes in the vagina and, you know? And they said, well, they usually say, oh, huh, really, did you do that just once? Yeah, about my house, just the one time, and kids. I mean, the funniest thing I think anyone has ever a kid, has ever said that anyone's ever told me, is that a little girl, she was about six, and the next, the next day, she came up to her mom and she said, So was that comfortable for you? Which I love. And the mom fielded it pretty well. So, you know, my firm belief is that the more open we are, the more honest we are, you know, the safer kids are. Like, there's tons of evidence now that informed kids are empowered kids so when your daughter knows she's got a vulva, that's what you can see on the outside, where the labia are. It's It's Latin. In Latin, it means covering and a vagina, which is on the inside, she's safer, because when if uncle, creepy tries to touch her privates, and she's like, Dude, don't touch my vulva, he's gonna be like, ah, yeah, never mind. Not gonna mess with you because you're well informed. Yeah, yeah, you know. I mean, it's just a matter, and it's also, I mean, it's just so dumb. I mean, it's not dumb. Sorry, because I know people really stress out about this. Sorry, I can. I'm talking to you, my friend. It's okay, because we're so worked up about something that is so fundamentally important to being human. Yeah, like, sex drives everything we do. Sex sexuality, which is all about relationships and connection, that drives everything we do. It's in our families. It's in our family units. It's how we relate to each other. I mean, it's a huge part of our culture. If we think about just like media, right? And music, it's all about sex and love and being in love and broken hearts. And, you know, we see it everywhere, and we run around trying to pretend like it's not happening. And so our poor children are like, Why are you so weird and secretive about this? And why is it everywhere? Like, What the hell am I supposed to do with that? It

Casey O'Roarty 9:23
is everywhere too. I mean, you you don't listening with parent ears to like, pop music. There are some songs, when I hear my kids singing along, I have to change the channel because I'm like, um, I don't know how I feel. I mean, I know they're clueless as to what the song is about, but I'm not. So sometimes it's like, let's change the station. Let's see what else is on. But at the same time, I we have lots of conversations. So thank you for that, because we have lots and lots of conversations about body and relationship and all sorts of stuff so and that. Has been a way that you've been really supportive in my life, you know, on speed dial, but also just your website and your offers and your I love your newsletter list and all your scripts that you send out, because especially at the beginning of the school year, when you send out the porn on the bus email, and it's like kids are getting on the bus. Kids have smartphones. Kids are looking at porn. Here's some outs. Here's some ways of talking about it with your kids. Here's some ways to help them navigate. You know, neighbor boy saying, check this out in a way that still saves face and helps them right, because it's everywhere. And I remember you saying to me too recently that it is harder for kids to avoid porn now than it was for them to find it when we were kids.

Amy Lang 10:50
Oh, yeah. I mean, I mean, I think that, you know, I love my iPad, and I love my iPhone, and I love that access, that instant access. But what I hate about those things is that instant access, because kids are online all the time now, and you know, I had a family call me because their six year old was really, really interested in breastfeeding, and so they would look at breastfeeding videos and pictures of mom's breastfeeding, and they would talk about it, and one day, she found him with the iPad. And it wasn't typical that he would have the iPad without supervision, but they were on vacation, I think, and found the iPad with him. With the iPad, he's in the bedroom, and she's like, Hey, what are you looking at? Nothing? Oh no, right. And he's hiding it. And she's like, Oh, great. So she looked at the iPad, and he had figured out how to open the another browser, not the kids safe browser. They were using another browser, and he was had made his way from breast feeding into some porn. And it doesn't happen, you know, with kids that age, it's not happening because they're necessarily specifically looking for porn, but they're curious. And the we all do it like, we call it the Oracle, like, our joke in our family is that there's no not knowing, yeah. So you know, when you're six and you want to know what something is, you just go ahead and Google sex, because that bigger kid said something about sex. So you Google sex because that's what you do. And then what do you find? Porn? Porn. And, you know, the thing about porn and kids is that especially, I mean, I think, I mean, I am anti porn for anybody under the age of I had my way, I would say under the age of 21 because, just because of brain development, so our brain, their brains are developing, and their sexuality is developing. And so if they are consuming this porn, that is sex, and I'm making air quotes because it's not real sex. It's somebody's imagined idea of what sex could possibly be. It starts in the middle. It's not real. It's it's not real on so many levels. So so their hearts and their minds are really not capable of comprehending what they're seeing, especially the younger they are. It's very damaging to them. It can be it can be really confusing. It can be really scary. And because they get a, literally, a thrill, no matter how old you are, you get a thrill. A little dopamine hit, you see that, or, I don't know, serotonin, some kind of chemical, wah, wah, wah. Thing goes on. You go, they go back. And sometimes they go back because of the thrill, if they're older and adolescents, sometimes they go back because of the perversion, like the perverseness of it. They can't believe it, and they can't stop looking at it. It's like looking at a train wreck. So, you know, I get very frustrated with families who have unrestricted screen time, who aren't using monitoring software. Who are running around thinking, Oh no, not my kid.

Why am not my kid? And a kid's not gonna do it on purpose. It's gonna happen like do not Google Harry pooter. Don't Google. Harry pooter, just saying,

Casey O'Roarty 14:02
it's a small little miss, you know, small little typo that makes a big difference, right? Big, big, big difference.

Amy Lang 14:08
Yes. I mean, I know we're good. I mean, I know you didn't necessarily want me to talk about porn thing, but the reason we talk about the porn thing is because of this. Because what's happening is that our kids are getting this very steady diet of what I call junk food, sex education. So it's junk food, it's crap, it's not healthy. So it's porn, it's even it's porn, it's conversations on the playground, it's music, it's lyrics and song lyrics. It's even sex ed at school. So I don't, I am a super fan of sex ed at school, but they can barely do anything in terms of what they really need to be doing. So so I would not say that sex that. So I'm going to put porn in the McDonald's junk food land, and then we're going to put, we're going to put sex ed at school in the. More like, what's that? Like Chili's or Qdoba, right? TGI Fridays, maybe slightly better, like Red Robin, like chain food, right? So it's healthier, but really, it's not right, right? I mean, it's just not as good. So, so we've got that going on. So talking Steady Diet, steady steady diet of that, and then what happens is that they are missing out on what they should be getting at home, which is really the whole foods, diet of sex education, which is what you're doing, which is lots of short and sweet conversations from a really early age, being really clear about what goes where and with whom and when, talking about body changes, talking about boundaries, talking about sex and sexuality, and presenting it as a really healthy, happy, healthy, happy, normal part of life, right? And um, and presenting it, you know, with your values, with your values. So the the you know this, the junk food stuff it doesn't doesn't have they don't share your values, right? Those sources don't share your values. And your values are one of the most important things you need to talk to your kids about when it comes to sex. So if you've got the the brown rice and tofu and veggies going on, right, then when you occasionally hit the McDonald's, it's not going to do as much damage as if that's the full Steady Diet, right? So, so, you know, my my belief is that this is sexuality, is the final kind of, the last frontier of child development. You know, we've been focusing on every other bit of child development. We've run it into the ground. Like, is there going to be something new about learning? I don't think so, honestly. But the place we're falling down for our kids, we replaced what we're the thing we're ignoring is sexuality, which is part of being human. It is part of what makes us human, and it's with us from the beginning.

Casey O'Roarty 16:48
And there is so much emotional baggage around it that it makes sense why parents get so wiggly and squiggly and you know? And it's funny talking about sex ed in school. So when my daughter was in fifth grade, she said, So mom, you can go to the library and watch the videos. Do you want to go watch the videos and, like, preview what we're going to do? And I looked at her, and I said, Do you think that they're going to tell you anything that you haven't already heard? And she and she kind of looked at me, and I don't think it occurred to her to think about it like that, and then like this look on her face, like, oh geez, I hope not, like, there's more.

Unknown Speaker 17:30
Oh god no,

Casey O'Roarty 17:32
I said, Babe, I am, I am fully confident that it's gonna be just fine. And even in sixth grade, you know, came home, she was a little mortified, because, you know, there's like, she had homework, which was a crossword puzzle, and she said, yeah, right now I'm trying to figure out where to put menstruation on the crossword puzzle. And I was just cracking up. So, yeah, it's pretty tame. And for kids that don't get any conversation at home, it's a start. Yes, and I love what you said about small Conversations frequently, yes, right? Because that's how, that's how it's been here, and it's so funny. And I wanted to ask you too, because, yes, when they're four and five and like, Whoa, this is so fascinating. And I'm not totally floored by it, like you kind of share it as it's something normal, and we'll just talk about it. One thing I do know, though, is sometimes parents start to say things like, Well, I don't want my kid to be the one that tells all the other kids, you know, and so that then it gets kind of messy, because then you're saying things like, well, this isn't something that you want to talk about with your friends. And then there's all sorts of messages in that too. And it is what it is. It's just

Amy Lang 18:45
messy. Well, I mean, it is, it can be messy, but it doesn't really have to be. And I think that, you know, one of the things about parenting is that it's hard. And I think in particular, if you're a parent who pays attention to your intuition and you trust your gut when your gut says, now I'm just going to add one caveat when it comes to trusting our guts about when it's okay to talk to kids about sex. Don't listen to your gut because you're wrong. Pretty much everybody's wrong. Okay, because we all our gut says 10, our gut says when they ask, our gut says, well, she should know about her period, probably before she has her period. That's what our gut tells us. That's just a lack of information. So we can't trust our gut when it comes to when to have the conversation with our kids, because we have been given a major pile of crap in terms of what that's supposed to look like, partially because of how we were taught, partially because schools do it in fifth grade, because that's safe, right, right? It feels okay. That's actually not helpful to your kids. That's actually way late in the game, better than never, but way late in the game. So Parenting is hard, and then if you're trusting your intuition, if you get. Information from me more in just a second, right? You're already thinking, Oh crap, I need to talk to my kid. Maybe you're going to get more information, and your gut will tell you that, like for me, one of my big things with Milo, who's now 14 and a half, is that we had we he was not allowed to play first person shooter games until he wasn't allowed his nine and 10 and 11 year old friends were playing these games. These games, and I they are against my values, especially in particular for a young child that, to me, is a young child like that, is it was not okay for me, for in our family. So that's what my intuition told me, that was my strong value, my belief. And so I would tell his friends, parents of his friends, so Milo can't play those games, and it was uncomfortable, and it was uncomfortable, and we stuck to it until we don't, until things have shifted. He's 14 and a half. He knows our values. He's really good about what he's doing. We talk about his gaming. He has those games now. He buys them himself. We won't buy them for him. He has to save his own money or be gifted money, and that. So that's just an example of being kind of an outlier parent. So when it comes to parenting around sexuality, outlier parents have to put up with this discomfort around if I tell my kid from an early age, are they going to tell everyone? Right? And you know what? They might Yeah, but if you say this is a private conversation we have in our family, it's not your job to tell other kids, right? It's not your job. It's their mom and dad's it's their parents' job to tell other kids.

Casey O'Roarty 21:29
I like that. I like Yeah. I mean,

Amy Lang 21:31
it doesn't make it a secret. And you can say people are really weird about sex. They're uncomfortable. It's so dumb we think it's ridiculous, but there it is, and we don't want people to be uncomfortable. So it's safer if you talk to me or daddy or AMI or whoever you're parenting with, and a couple safe adults about this, it's okay for you to talk to us about this, and then that sets them up to have some boundaries around it. And the bottom line is, you cannot control them. Yeah, you cannot put duct tape over their mouth and say, you know, good luck out there. So they very well may tell Yeah, but here's the thing we have to remember, is like telling your kids and talking to your kids openly about sex and sexuality is protective. It teaches them that their bodies are private. It teaches them about when it's okay to have sex, what's appropriate. So it's protective in terms of sexual abuse prevention, just even the little thing of using the correct names for private body parts. So if your child is talking to other kids about this, it they're probably going to be accurate. Yeah, right. And so your kid's going to fill in another kid. You know, as your kids get older, you have to talk about BJs. And you've got to talk about all kinds of things, right? I mean, it's not just penis and vagina baby making.

Casey O'Roarty 22:45
Do I have to talk about BJs. Come up yet.

Amy Lang 22:49
You have to bring it up, darling. I'm thinking this summer's perfect, right? Are we off to middle school? Are we in? Yeah, had

Casey O'Roarty 22:56
a year of middle school. Yeah, seventh

Amy Lang 22:59
grade? Yeah. You need to talk to her about it, yeah, for sure, yeah, yeah. And what would

Casey O'Roarty 23:04
be a lead in for that? Like, I mean, because I'm really good, we have great conversations. And she is like, Oh, God, mom, right? Like, I already told her, you know, because one of the things she learned that was new this year in sex ed was SAC, like the testes. And I said, Oh. I said, Oh yeah, I can never hear the word sack without thinking about ball sacks. And she was totally appalled that I would say that out loud. I said, Well, what? And now you're not going to be able to hear the word sack without thinking ball sacks. And I've talked to her too about, you know, the reason I keep bringing this stuff up is because one day you're gonna want some you know you're gonna, you're gonna like boys, if it's not already happening, like, you're gonna like boys, and you're gonna have questions. And I just want you to know that I can totally handle it. Yeah, and that's why I keep bringing it up, because I'm here, I'm ready and I'm available. But as far as, like, let's talk about blow jobs. Maybe I start with that. Let me tell you, well something, and

Amy Lang 24:04
the other thing too, just to just so you just sort of compliment you, and all to compliment you and to tell everybody who's listening, people who are listening like you're demonstrating your openness by talking about it, saying, I'm open. You can ask me anything is bullshit. It's lip service. You have to back it up. So you're constantly, perpetually backing it up. So you just say to her, Hey, I got to talk to you about a sex thing. Yeah, that's it. Okay, that's it. Hey, I gotta talk to you about a sex thing. Have you heard Do you know what a blow job is? Have you ever heard of that? And see what she says. And then you and she says, Oh, yeah, I know what that is. And then you say, this is what it is when one person puts another person's mouth on their penis or on their vulva or clitoris because it feels good. It's for pleasure. Yeah. And then you add your value, right? Which is something my guess is, mine is, it's something that is two people have have oral sex, or that's what that's generally called when they're in a. Committed relationship. It's part of a sexual relationship. It's not something that's done casually, and you don't ever have to do it. I know it sounds gross. That's because you're a kid, yeah? But people like it, and it's part of it's, you know, its last name is sex, so oral sex, so it is sex, yeah? And you're done, okay? And you're done. So you can text and let me know how it goes. I know a sweaty, sweaty I will my child says that they have already heard about everything.

Casey O'Roarty 25:28
Yeah, so you said talk about it with them anymore.

Amy Lang 25:30
No, no, they've heard everything. They don't know what it means. So they talk about all kinds of stuff, and they hear about all kinds of stuff, and this is because of the internet and pornography. They hear about all kinds of things that you and I probably did not know about until we were in our early 30s. Like, I'm not kidding. I mean, I've been a sex educator since I was 22 and I think I just learned about something new the other day, playing cards against humanity with my child. I'm like, What the hell's that? Oh, it's hysterical. Oh, it's great. It's hysterical. Um, yeah, and it's a great conversation start. I'm like, what that? What is that? And Milo's like, oh, but my spouse is like, it's this and, and Milo corrected him because Carrie mispronounced the word, Oh, nice. Yeah, so, but you want that openness and it's okay. I think the other thing we get hooked into so we've got this. They're not asking. They're not old enough. They're gonna be uncomfortable.

Unknown Speaker 26:26
Oh yeah,

Unknown Speaker 26:27
not that.

Casey O'Roarty 26:29
Yeah, I'm totally okay with that. In fact, I kind of like it.

Amy Lang 26:32
Yeah. And discomfort's part of life, and your kid's safest place to be uncomfortable is

Casey O'Roarty 26:36
with you, yeah, for sure. Well, what about so? Okay, so Middle School, since I'm in the throes of it, yeah, and early adolescence. So I'm starting, you know, I'm having, I'm exploring the various, you know, facets beyond just this is how babies are born, and, you know, and the whole boyfriend, girlfriend thing is going to show up sooner rather than later. I know if it hasn't already, because I haven't heard I ask, but yeah, she says, Oh, no. Anyway, what? So what are some things to that you share with parents to think about as our kids start to come into this age of like, interested in the opposite or the same, interested in other people,

Amy Lang 27:20
sexually getting romantic getting sexual attractions happening. They're starting romantic feelings, having romantic feelings, yes, so the first thing I think we need to I'm just gonna back up a little bit. Okay, so between preschool and probably fifth grade, fourth, fifth grade, the bulk of your focus should be on, like, the biological stuff, the nuts and bolts of how things work, puberty, baby making, lots of term defining sex for pleasure. You know you need to get pretty much all of that out of the way by the time they start middle school, so they should know the basics of everything, okay? STDs, everything, abortion, all of it and again, not penis and vagina, pump, pump, pump, right. Yeah, right. Not that. Just like this is how things work. Bodies fit together, etc. And there are really excellent books to help with that piece of things. Always, always, always talking about our values, always talking about our values. So when we get into, when kids get into middle school and early adolescence, then the conversation is going to flip. So ideally, if you've done your work well, they know all that stuff, like they know what most everything is and means and your values behind it. Now you have to start talking about the social and emotional aspects of relating. So dating relationships talking about like when you're watching TV or watching movies or shows or whatever, or YouTube videos, and people are in relationship, talking about what you like about their relationship, what concerns you about that really romantic relationship, talking about crushes. I'm normalizing that sort of up and down thing that goes on, right? I mean, I know when I was in the eighth grade, my eighth grade, maybe ninth grade. No, I was eighth grade. My friend Karen, had a boyfriend, Eric, and they would invite me. She'd invite me over to the house to hang out, and they go in the bedroom and make out and leave me alone in her house. And I was a shy and not particularly assertive human at that point in my life, and I remember feeling really bad and yucky and not having a way to get out. Yeah, like, I should have just left, yeah, but I was thinking we were gonna hang out, and so it just never happened. And I mean, I finally left, I think I called my mom or, I don't know what happened, but like talking about how kids get stupid,

how friendships change, oh yeah, how they may change. And I think that, you know, looking at, one of the ways to talk to kids about this is to ask them what's happening in their peer group. Does anybody have a boyfriend? Does anybody have a girlfriend? What do you think about that? I

Casey O'Roarty 30:09
love that conversation. Yeah.

Amy Lang 30:10
What do you think about that? How's that going for them? What would you do, like, asking those kinds of, what if questions probably want to also be, you know, talking more about, like, when it's okay to become have a sexual relationship with someone, like, what that looks like, talking more about being ready for sex. Definitely, girls need to know if they're having their periods they can get pregnant. Yeah, straight up, no, Bs, right? Like, straight up, because it's empowering to them, even if they're grossed out, even if they're like, oh my god, I can't believe you're going to talk to me about this. It's empowering to them. And we owe it to our kids to empower them, and we didn't get that in our growing up. I mean, I know, I didn't particularly, yeah, I had books like crazy. I had books coming out my ears, but never a conversation, you know? And that's just not sufficient. It's not sufficient. So

Casey O'Roarty 31:03
how do we keep them from ever having sex?

Amy Lang 31:07
Sorry, log cabin, Montana. Yeah, exactly. Glenn, chastity belts. I mean, I think the thing to know, I mean, I think that's another myth that parents are like, Well, if we talk about it openly, they're going to think I'm giving them permission. And kids, we don't need to ask them again. If that's the case, if, when you're well informed about sex and sex education and how to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, do you equate this with being given permission to have sex? They say no, yeah. They say no. So we have to let that go, because the bottom line is, everyone has sex by the time people are I think it's 20 I think it's 21 I think it's 21 I think 83% of Americans have had sex. 95% of Americans have sex before they get married. We're getting married later and later and later and later. We're in our women are in and men are in their late 20s, early 30s. Now that is a long damn time to go without doing it. So nobody, nobody's not doing I mean, barely anybody doesn't do it, right? So we need to set them up to be successful, right,

Casey O'Roarty 32:19
right? And if the your value is for your kids to wait, then you share that, right? That doesn't necessarily mean, yes, that's how it's gonna roll out. But if that's your value, what I keep hearing you come back to that value piece and how important it

Amy Lang 32:33
is, yeah, yeah. I mean, love that. It's hugely important because it's the only thing that you and no one else can give your kids, yeah, is a good sense of your values so they can, you know, so you're influencing them so they can make their own decisions. Because their kids are going to do what they're going to do, and you want to be in their head as much as possible, because you want them, well, of course, you want them to be you want to be in their head when they're thinking about having sex. Because what a turn off ball sack. Shit, there's this ball sack says your darling daughter, damn it.

Casey O'Roarty 33:04
Oh my gosh, she's never gonna see ball sacks. What are you talking about?

Amy Lang 33:07
That's right, sorry. Sorry, I forgot. I forgot. So, I mean, I think that we just need to, you know, I think we need to say things to our kids like we expect you to wait until marriage. If that's true, don't say that. If that's not true, that's called lying, right? Our kids have great BS detectors, especially teenagers, they will smell rats and you are completely you completely undermine your trustworthiness, and when you do that, and their respective you too, right, right? We don't want to be doing any of that. So you say, I expect you to wait until you are, you know, senior year in high school, you know, start in college, whatever feels right to you, right? And if you aren't going to wait, then just tell us, because we want you to be safe, because I'll be damned if I'm going to be grandparent before I'm ready,

Casey O'Roarty 33:56
right? True that.

Amy Lang 33:59
And you know, the new, the new thing that's going on in the world of contraception and, and really teenagers and and birth control, is that there's a very large push towards putting girls on long, acting, reversible contraception. Lark. And this is, these are IUDs, Marina IUD which has some hormones in it, and implants, which are very low dose hormones. They are the most effective birth control methods, and it's recommended that that girls start Lark in 10th grade. We want them protected. It gives them five to seven years of no pregnancy and bonus, no period.

Casey O'Roarty 34:47
Oh, weird, dries

Amy Lang 34:49
them up. Totally fine. It's totally fine. Absolutely there's no medical reason to have a period. It's your body just reabsorbs the lining of the uterus. I. Absolutely no medical reason. And so people have get squicky about that because they think it's a natural process of the body, which it is. But back in the day when we would get pregnant at 14 and then breastfeed and then have six more babies, we didn't bleed, right? We have 400 periods, as opposed to 40. In indigenous cultures, it's totally fine not to bleed. And given a choice having your period or having a baby, I'm picking a period. Yeah, right, I'm picking no period over baby, just at any time. Actually, true fact, even when I was trying to get pregnant, I probably would have picked no period over baby, but that

Casey O'Roarty 35:38
doesn't get rid of the condom conversation. No, no, no, we are going to protect

Amy Lang 35:42
from STDs, but that is no reason to not put them on birth control, right? So, I mean, I think this makes the most sense of just about anything ever, because if you think about the impact of unplanned pregnancy on everyone, and almost everyone who gets pregnant, they're pregnant. I mean, huge proportion of people's pregnancies were unplanned, yeah, that means you did not plan. Right? Unplanned means no planning right, right. Poverty for women in particular, poverty, lack of education, I mean, just all kinds of huge social, societal impacts. So if we can eradicate unplanned pregnancy, or make the unplanned pregnancy a surprise, as opposed to the norm, which it is now, right? Then, you know, the world's going to be a better place. It's going to be a better place for our kids. You know, if we can control our fertility, it makes everything better for everyone. And boys and girls are impacted by this, yeah, you know, I mean, I'm, I mean, I'm totally on my soapbox. But if I had a girl child, if there was birth control available to my male child, he would be on it in the 10th grade. Yeah. I mean, it's just makes sense to me, and we know so much about hormonal birth control now that it doesn't hurt them

Casey O'Roarty 36:49
good. So there's been lots of research and studies, some like new experiments, because I gotta tell you, it does make me feel a little like, yeah, for what. I don't know why, but to hear like, no periods, I don't know why, that makes me feel like, Oh, that can't be good for the body. It's totally

Amy Lang 37:09
fine for the body. Yeah, okay, it's totally fine. And hello, no period, yeah, that's

Casey O'Roarty 37:14
pretty awesome, yeah,

Amy Lang 37:16
especially for a kid that's athletic, or for anyone a big crampy, troublesome crampy periods. Where do

Casey O'Roarty 37:24
they adolescent angst?

Amy Lang 37:25
Well, what it does actually, is it reduces a girl's concern that she might be pregnant, that she could be pregnant, that she might get pregnant if she's sexually active, and so that anxiety goes down, and then she's better able to focus on her studies. She's better able to focus on her relationship, she's better able to focus in her life. So in that respect, it does actually help them. It may, I don't know how it helps with mood, but it may help with mood some, you know. I mean, I think that jury, I don't know. I haven't, I haven't read any research on that in particular. But anyway, I mean, even if you're not going to put your daughter on birth control, she still needs to know what it is and where to go. Is and where to get it, and so does your son. Yes, absolutely right. We want No. Bs about condom use and birth control? Yeah, no. Fuck

Casey O'Roarty 38:10
it up, mom and dad. Have the conversation, yeah? Sure. Many conversations, right?

Amy Lang 38:16
Yeah, many So aim. Tell

Casey O'Roarty 38:18
me, what are your offers for parents? Tell me about what you what, what you have out there, and where they can find more from you, because you are so awesome. Thank

Amy Lang 38:26
you. So what I am really focused on right now is that I believe that children, every child, should grow up to be a whole, healthy, happy adult, and the thing that parents need to do for their kids is start talking to them about sex and sexuality so that they can grow up to be whole, healthy, happy adults. You know, we're not raising kids, we're raising adults. And so right now, I'm just really trying to get the word out about my work. I'm not you can go to my website, birdsandbeesankids.com and there are lots of videos that are free and webinars. A couple of them are not free, but there's a bunch of free a bunch of free stuff there that are resource lists and books for your kids. And what I want you to do my offer to you is to give yourself a gift, and that's go watch one of my videos. Go watch birds and bees and kids, the basics, and you'll calm down about having these conversations, because I want you to talk to your kids. I want you to talk to your kids. I really do want to reach a million kids, and I have to do that through their parents. So there's that follow me on Facebook. It's birds, bees, kids, if you're active on Facebook and I post questions from parents and have my community chime in, they are people are smarter than I am lots of times. So that's I love. I love your Facebook feed, yeah, and there's and I, you know, post articles and things like that. I also have a blog, so there's places to interact with me there and and then, if you're on Twitter, follow me on Twitter as well. It's birds and bees, as I said, because I'm so excited about that. But right now, what I really need is for parents to talk to their kids and just. Read the word about me. So if you like this podcast, share the podcast. If you like what you see online, share my link to my video, and you can sign up for my newsletter on my home page and on Facebook too. And I send a tip a week to keep you or so keep you on track talking to your kids. And sometimes it's things you're not going to want to want to hear. Amy, I

Casey O'Roarty 40:24
you sent one out about polyamorous relationships. Yep, yeah. And so I was I so I talked to my daughter about polyamorous relationships. And the look on her face, it was one of those totally out of nowhere. I was sitting in a room, she was straightening her hair, and I was like, So do you know that some people have more than one partner? And she was just like, What are you talking about? Why are you talking about this? And I love your newsletters because they are short. Yeah, right. They're not like, take me 25 minutes to read the whole thing. And it's like, short and so awesome, so hardcore, perfect. You know, the language is there exactly what I can think about talking about with my kids. And sometimes I read it, and I say, Not this week, but a lot of times I think, Wow, I never thought about that conversation. And I'm going to look for an inroad there. So thank you so much for what you put out into the world and for your available, authentic, charming personality and just I am so grateful that our paths crossed when they did, and that I have you on speed dial. Thank

Unknown Speaker 41:36
you.

Casey O'Roarty 41:37
They love you, lady and listeners, check out the links in the show notes for how to get a hold of and follow Amy and her work. Awesome. All Right

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