The Safety Talk with Kim Estes

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Joyful courage, parenting podcast, ask Casey. Episode Five, what is intentional parenting?

You music. Hey friends, welcome to this special bonus Podcast. Today I'm so excited. I'm in the midst of a huge launch for my new program, the intentional Parent Project, and today I'm going to take the opportunity to share some of the thoughts and questions that people have had about this whole idea of being intentional in our parenting and finding our calm and finding our cool in the midst of all the craziness that shows up on the parenting journey. So I'm really excited, and I think that you'll take away a lot from this short podcast. I also encourage you to head over to the intentional Parent Project page, which is www dot joyful courage.com/intentional, parent. Parenting. And if you just go to the joyful courage website, you'll see intentional Parent Project up in the navigation bar. That'll get you there too. Because I'm super excited about this offer, and I just want to make sure that everyone knows about it, everyone recognizes the deep, deep value and the amazing takeaways that will show up after 10 weeks of being supported and focused on our parenting journey. So as many of you know, I led a free program called the joyful courage 10 that started in at the end of August and just completed on just last week, September 2, and it was a fantastic program full of really committed parents who were just so supportive of each other and really working on bringing this idea of intention into their parenting. I've pulled some of the feedback, the thoughts that showed up on our in our private Facebook group, and I'm going to share a couple of them here and just speak into it from the lens of what it means to be intentional in our parenting. Because I feel like intentional gets thrown out all the time, right? Oh, be intentional, or Was that intentional? And you know, when I think about intentional, I think about thoughtful. I think about the movement it takes to stay committed to something that you've declared, right? So how many of us wake up in the morning and say, today is going to be a good day. Or today I'm not going to yell, or today I'm going to stay in control and calm with my kids, right? We we're making declarations all the time about how we're going to be and then we get in the muck of being with our kids and being in the conflict and in the craziness and those declarations earlier in the day go right out the window because we become emotionally triggered and we fall back on old patterns and beliefs. And you may have heard me if you've listened a lot to the podcast, you may have heard me talk a little bit about this idea of old patterns and beliefs. Let me just speak into that a little bit. So you all know that I'm a positive discipline trainer, and the theory behind positive discipline is Adlerian theory. And Alfred Adler, he was this guy who was one of the first social psychologists, but the biggest thing that came out of his work, well, one of the big things that came out of his work is that human behavior is based on the needs of belonging and significance. Yes, we all want to feel connected. We all want to know that we matter. And because we're all having our own individual experiences, we perceive the world around us, and we've been doing this since birth. We perceive the world around us, we make meaning about ourselves, about others, and about how we fit based on what we see. And then from that place of meaning, we start to form beliefs. And I mean, this goes way, back right from the very first days, we talk about attachment theory and how to respond to our babies. Ariadne Brill came on and talked about that last spring. Was a really powerful podcast. We are making meaning all the time, and when we were really. Young, we were really good at perceiving and observing. We were not so great around making meaning and interpreting what we were seeing, yet we still were forming beliefs, and those beliefs are what continue to guide us in the decisions we make and the behavior we engage in, and the thought processes that we have throughout our day, in our relationships, through our experiences. So what this means for us as parents is a lot of that, that automatic pilot, those automatic reactions that show up when our kids are not at their best, when our kids are challenging or in our face or falling apart. A lot of that response that we have is directly related to beliefs that we formed really early on in life. It's directly related to the models that we had growing up, the parenting models that we had and and that runs deep, and that runs deep. Here's the deal, though, it's not so much, and this is something that Alfred Adler said, it's not about what happens to you in your life. It's about what you decide to do. So you know, you've heard stories. There's stories of people that have had really traumatic experiences and come out of it passionate, okay, ready to live and work hard and and be their best. And then there's people that have had really traumatic, awful experiences and blame the world. So you know, it's not that our experiences early on in our in our relationships, you know, give us a destiny of of of ease or a destiny of heartache. It's just, you know, it is what it is, and we all learn from the experiences of our past. We can either learn how to design our own life and how to influence the world, or we learn that there are people to blame, and the world is against us

anyway. So that's where positive discipline comes from. And so this whole intentional parenting thing is really choosing to design your life. It's choosing to say, Hey, I'm going to influence this experience, simply by the way that I show up in it. Because we all know what happens when we get triggered and we fall apart and we yell, right, or we intimidate or whatever, your individual way of reacting to your kids is that influences outcome, right? Typically, the way that it influences outcome is that it damages relationship. And you know what I love to say, the most powerful tool we have for influencing behavior is our relationship with our kids. So it's really counterproductive when we get triggered and challenged, and our reaction is something that actually pulls us apart from our kids. So anyway, today, again, I'm going to share a little bit about some things that showed up in our Facebook group and the joyful courage 10 program. So I'm just going to share right now the first thing from one of the participants. I've had so many opportunities to practice my intention in the last two days, some worked out, some failed. I had to apologize for yelling at my five year old this morning. I reminded her not to jump on the sofa, and she looked at me in the eye and jumped again. What should I have done was what I should have done was take a deep breath or walk away and discuss it when we were both calmer. What I did do was flip my lid, then I apologized, and then I remembered not to reflect the blame for my short temper onto her. I did not say I'm sorry, but I just said, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper. I'll try better next time. Will you forgive me? In my heart, I know this is a work in progress and takes practice, but in my mind, I want to be better at it now. I want to be done with flipping out and I want to be done with defiance. I know it will come. Transitions are hard, so I love this participant's share, because she's spot on. Transitions are hard and uncomfortable, and when we're learning a new way of being in relationship with our kids, not only relationship with our kids, but really relationship with ourselves, when we're learning a new pattern, a new way of being, a new way of responding to life in a way that embraces personal responsibility, it is uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar. It's unfamiliar, and it's really difficult to trust that your kids get the message and get the lesson when you're not pointing your finger red in the face and yelling at them, but I promise you, there. Are more effective ways of being in relationship and handling challenging behavior than blame, shame and humiliation. So another one of the shares that showed up in our group was, I'm so stressed, my oldest is super sensitive. You say anything to her, and she starts hyperventilating and screaming and crying. She swallowed her toothpaste tonight. All I did was ask, Did you swallow your toothpaste? And she lost it. Then I lost it. I admit it. There are moments when I'm in my Zen with this, and other times when I'm like, I can't deal. Just felt like getting that off my chest again. I'm so grateful that this parent shared in our group, because she's having the same experience that many of us have, that all of us have, right we know how we want to be, and we get really frustrated and discouraged when we can't be that way all the time. And this is something that people have called me on. I say it a lot. We are not robots, and we're not raising robots. We are having an emotional experience. It will never be perfect. I mean, unless we're taking, you know, like Mama's happy pill, we're just there's going to be things that we react to in a way that we're later going to have to make, right? And the great thing about that is that we are modeling the messiness of human behavior to our kids, you know, and it helps them to see a oh, this is what it looks like to make it right with someone when you haven't treated them well, they're seeing, wow, it is difficult. It's difficult for other people to not freak out too. And if you're a kid who feels out of control a lot, it's comforting to know that everybody around you, you know, doesn't totally have it together, right, that it's really normal and and, and that there's a way to make it right when you've hurt someone, when you've broken something, when you've hurt yourself. So you know, here's me, and I'm giving you permission. I'm saying that it's okay that you don't show up as your best all the time. My invitation to you is, stay in the practice, right? Don't give up because it feels hard. Don't give up because it feels uncomfortable, because discomfort is absolutely where courage is born, right? Does Brene Brown say that she's amazing? Vulnerability is the birthplace of courage, I think is what she says. But discomfort just means that we're learning and we're growing. I mean, think about the physical growing pains that our kids have when their bodies are stretching, their bones are getting longer. It's uncomfortable, sometimes it's painful. It's the same, same situation when we're trying to change and shift patterns that are no longer serving us. And I'm here to say that if you are noticing, if you are going to bed at night, feeling sad, feeling worthless, feeling down on yourself because you couldn't keep it together with your kids, because you didn't get everything done you said you were going to get done if you're going to bed that way and or even like you know, sad about an interaction with your partner or with a colleague or with your friend, you know, feeling really down about that, what I'm asking, what I'm I'm inviting you into thinking about, is take a look at the way that you show up when you are triggered, right? When you're emotional about something, what happens to you and and we always start with the physical, right, because it's easy to tap into what happens to you physically when you become triggered. From there, what's the emotion that most likely will show up? And then from that place, what is the story that you're telling? What are you telling about yourself, about others? I am a chronic blamer, and I like to blame everybody for how I feel, and this is not helpful, because, first of all, I'm not being accountable about what I've brought to any situation, and you know, and I recognize that too, and then I feel bad about myself, because, you know, my job is to support people in their growth. And when I notice when I'm going to bed at night and notice like, oh yeah, what a fraud I am, you know, it becomes a conversation around lack of of self worth, and that sucks. And so looking at patterns and and interrupting those patterns with some intention is going to change the way that you show up. And it's not one time. It takes practice. Think about toddlers, babies becoming toddlers, and how many times do they try to stand up and walk? You know, they they use the furniture to waddle around and hold on to. They stand up, they fall down. They stand up, they fall down. And even when they start to walk, they are wobbly. You.

Right? Use that experience, that metaphor, and put it into this experience of trying to break some old habits and break some old patterns so that you can show it better for your family. Okay, another one of the shares that came up in our group is I'm trying deep breaths. I'm repeating my mantra. I'm being love, gentle and kind with my kids, and my kids still don't listen to a thing I say, I literally feel like I'm going to explode. How many times can I calmly ask them to do something and have them not listen. How many times do I need to stop in the middle of what I'm doing to hug whoever is having a tantrum? Ugh. I just feel so frustrated. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Sometimes this first piece, this internal piece, isn't going to get you overnight results, right? And there's a mantra and positive discipline, and it's just called trust the process and know that once you can get your own house in order, meaning your own internal experience, then you can start having conversations with your kids, right? So I love this share because it reminds me of that quote around insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? So, you know, with this idea, and this is something that comes up all the time in parenting classes, in my coaching sessions, in the Facebook community, my kids just won't listen. And i i It makes me smile and I relate, and I feel like there is room to take a good look at the invitation into listening that we are creating. So, you know, sometimes it requires us to change the venue or to change our tone or to change where we are. Yes, there's times when I'm in the kitchen doing something and I just want everyone to listen. The first time I ask them to turn off their screens and come to the table. And I know if I actually walk, you know, the 20 steps into the living room and get low and smile and say, Hey guys, how are those games? Looks like fun time to turn them off so you can come eat some dinner. That's going to get me a lot further than hollering at them from the kitchen, right? So sometimes we just got to change it up. And again, changing it up requires us to be in our best self, right, to be in our intention, and, you know, to be committed to like this sharer said loving, gentle and kind, right? So Wow. And it might sound like, wow, you know what? I'm asking for help here, and I'm noticing that nobody's moving, so I'm gonna try something different, you know, and then ask again, you know, sit on the floor, sit cross legged in front of them. Give them a little tickle, give them a little hug, change it up and invite them in. And if they're older, you know, you can invite them into the into the problem solving at a family meeting, when everybody's calm, you can say, here's what I'm noticing, and here's how I feel. What do you notice, right? What do you notice about the afternoon time when it's time to come eat dinner and you don't want to get off your iPad? What do you notice happens? How does it feel for you? Let them tune into their own experience, right? And then you can speak into yours. And then you get to say, well, what would be helpful? What should we try for this week? And then the idea around dropping what you're doing to hug the tantrum. So here's, here's the thing this. There's no magic wand. And anyone who is saying that there is so liar, so don't spend your money with them. There's no magic wand. But this is really about long term parenting, right? This is about building skills, building relationship, and creating a home that feels safe, that feels connected, that feels loving, and that takes time, and the Tantrums are a part of childhood, but when you help your kids through teaching them about their brain through brainstorming tools that they can use when they're feeling flipped, and making some kind of little visual about that. When you can be a partner to your kids and helping them navigate their emotional landscape, you are helping them build skills, and those tantrums will become farther apart. They'll become shorter in duration, and the sting will be less, I promise you. And I can say this because I've been there, right? I have a highly emotional son and and we were there. We were there when he was under five. The tantrums were big and painful and long. And, you know. He's one of the most emotionally intelligent 10 year old boys that I know now. So trust the process. Okay. Now, if you're listening to all this and you're thinking, wow, this is really cool, I really again, want to invite you in to checking out the webpage, intentional Parent Project on the joyful courage website, www, dot joyful courage.com/intentional, parenting. Okay, check it out and recognize how valuable it would be for you. Right now, it's 10 weeks of support. You don't have to be at any specific place at any specific time it's all online, there will be a couple of interactive webinars. Well, each week we're going to do an interactive webinar that will always be recorded so that if you can't make it live, you can watch it at another time. I'm going to be super active in our community and in our group, available for support and thoughts and ideas. It's gonna be fantastic. So just check it out. Check it out and say yes and sign up. And sign ups are available through Sunday night. So that's September 11, till 11 o'clock PM, Pacific time. Okay, so I want you there. I want you there. And if you're listening to this podcast later on and this has come and gone, just know that this program is something that will show up again. So get on the joyful courage newsletter list. You can sign up at joyful courage.com and stay up to date with the offers I'm going to provide this program again in the spring. So join me, right join me, if you're listening, and it's later in the fall or in the winter, join me, because intentional parenting is where it's at, and it's really about, you know, there's so many fantastic books out there, and you know, a lot of the authors of those books have been on this podcast, and I love them deeply. And I can't tell you how often I hear from people, wow. You know, the books are great, but then when I try to put it in action, it just it doesn't feel like a good fit for me. And so this intentional Parent Project is really about helping you prepare the landscape in your own body, prepare your own self so that you can be ever more effective at using these positive parenting, positive discipline tools. That's the other thing that the 10 week program is going to provide, not only that internal work, but also the work of implementing positive discipline in your home. So I'm super excited. Check it out. And if you don't already follow me, I'm on joyful courage is on Facebook, I'm on Instagram, and I'm on Twitter. I'd love to have you follow me in any or all of those places. And if you aren't already a part of the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group, and Facebook is your jam. Head on over there and ask to join the group, I'll accept you, and you can be in on all the support and all the goodness that happens there. All right, my friends, big, huge love to each and every one of you. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and till next time next week, actually, Nicole Schwartz will be on next week talking about some back to school stuff, so routines and homework, ah, homework battles and how to take the battle out of homework battles. All right, big love. Talk to you soon.