Transcription
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth. And man, the opportunities abound. Right. My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the. Adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hey everybody, welcome to the podcast. So good to be here with you all. I am recording in the, ah, the first part of April, 2025. And man, oh man, there is a lot going on right now. A lot of things happening. With clients in the community, in my personal life, in the collective global space that is calling for acceptance, and that's where we're gonna go today.
[00:02:00] I. That's where we're gonna focus our time is on this concept of acceptance. And I am just gonna dive right in, you guys. Okay? This theme of acceptance, it is one of my three anchor words that I'm walking with this year. As I've mentioned, acceptance, ease, and levity. I had no idea when I chose those words that, how.
[00:02:23] Many different facets of my life would be served by leaning into those words. They are words that I'm hearing other people use, which is really exciting to me because I think that we launch into some really, really powerful personal growth and development. When we start to explore acceptance, acceptance around what is.
[00:02:50] And it can feel like something that's really hard to do. And you know, there's a lot of reasons why we aren't naturally drawn towards acceptance, right? So many of us, most of us, all of us, if we're like present with life, we bump up against things, experiences that we don't want, we bump into. Events, experiences, behaviors that we don't agree with, right?
[00:03:24] So why accept that acceptance can feel like giving up or resigning to whatever belief or truth is being held by someone else. Whatever event or experience life is unfolding for us, it can feel like, fine, whatever. Acceptance can feel ineffective. I think that this one is so huge, you know, especially when we're parenting teenagers.
[00:03:51] I've heard a lot of parents say this. I also felt this like, we have a responsibility as parents to keep our kids safe. To save them from themselves if we can. We feel like, you know, we hold so much energetic responsibility for the experiences of our kiddos, and when we're invited to accept where they're at, accept life as it's unfolding.
[00:04:20] We can often feel like we're not showing up to our responsibilities as a parent, and it can feel like, but we're not doing anything. It feels ineffective. We're not changing the circumstances if we're accepting things as they are, right? So we resist it and hello. We're super scared of the unknown, right?
[00:04:42] We're scared of uncertainty. There's so many possible outcomes, and because of our ancestors survival instincts, we often, as we look ahead into the future, into the unknown. We're much more likely to go into how things could go wrong versus how things could go right. And then not to mention all the spaces in between.
[00:05:06] Worst case scenario, best case scenario, which is really where we're likely to land, right? Is somewhere there in the middle. So all of these things really get in the way of exploring acceptance, right? And it makes sense. I mean, come on, we wanna do something about. The pain and the discomfort and the poor choices, or the heartache or whatever.
[00:05:33] We wanna do something about what's happening for our people in our lives, right? We feel a sense of safety when we live inside of this illusion of control. We don't like what we're witnessing a lot of the time or what we're being called to experience, right? The teen years, as I say a lot, the terrain is messy.
[00:05:56] Our teenagers make, um, unskilled choices because of their lack of experience and their lack of understanding. That is a part of this phase of life and it's hard to be with. Right. It's hard to witness. And so we get into all of these thought patterns and these beliefs that put us in the place of like, Nope, we can do something about this.
[00:06:22] We can lean in harder, we can be firmer, we can be kinder, we can do something to manipulate the events and experiences so that we parents personally feel more secure and safe, and. Again, like we're living up to the responsibility of being a parent. So it makes sense that we're resisting this idea of acceptance.
[00:06:44] And like I said at the start, acceptance and an exploration around accepting what is is the beginning of some really deep personal growth. And development. It's the beginning of really opening up possibility and relationship and connection with the people in our lives, and it isn't just, we either accept or we resist, right?
[00:07:13] There's actually two different forms of acceptance and we're gonna explore those today. We can lean into active acceptance, we can lean into passive acceptance, or as we know really well, we can lean into resistance. So why does this matter? Why would I wanna bring this onto the podcast? Well, and this is gonna sound familiar 'cause I've talked about this formula many times before here on the pod, but there's this like loop, there's a creation loop that we are a part of.
[00:07:48] And it's happening all the time, right? There's the events and experiences that show up in our life, right? Events and experiences are, you know, your kid's attitude or finding out about a poor grade or a great grade, or you know that your child is experimenting with substances or they've been bullied, or they're being a bully.
[00:08:15] Or they're messing around maybe a little too much and exploring, you know, some relationships and intimacy in a way that isn't developmentally appropriate or whatever, right? Like I'm just kind of pulling things out of thin air. There's all sorts of events and experiences for me right now. The event is my husband's shoulder surgery and his, um, you know, his cancer treatment that's coming up.
[00:08:39] Events and experiences happen. Events and experiences is life unfolding. So that exists. And then there's our reaction to it. What's the way of being that we bring inside of that reaction? What are the actions, the language that we bring, how do we react slash respond to life unfolding? Those two things together create some outcomes and outcomes ranging for, are we more or less connected to the person in front of us to ourselves?
[00:09:13] Is there an energy of better understanding or is there, you know, an energy of I better get sneaky or rebel or go underground with my information 'cause my parent can't handle it? Right? Are we creating ease or dis-ease with how we are responding to the events and experiences that show up to the life unfolding to the behaviors that we're seeing?
[00:09:36] To the tip of the iceberg, right? How we react. Coupled with the event or experience creates an outcome. And then guess what? Here's the outcome, connection, disconnection, understanding, lack of understanding, ease disease. And from that place, new events and experiences happen, right? There's the next thing which we then react to feeding into this loop of relationship with ourselves, with others, with the world around us.
[00:10:09] That is either helpful and forwarding or hurtful and disconnecting and leaving us stuck and spun out. We're always in this loop. This loop always exists, right? And there are all sorts of places where we can interrupt it. So we're always in this loop. We're unconscious of. This, right? Like so much of the time, we are on autopilot.
[00:10:36] Our feelings take the wheel. I, I write about this in my book. The emotional freight train swoops us up before we know it. We're on it. We don't remember getting on it, but we're on it and we're not driving it. Our fear, our emotions, our projections, that's what's driving the emotional freight train. We're in the loop.
[00:10:56] That's what's driving the reaction. The emotional freight train is the reaction reacting to life unfolding, right? We might fight against it, no way. Not in my family, not in my house. This is not gonna happen, right? So again, feeding that reactive response and what are we doing from that place? We're creating more suffering when we're unconscious of the loop that we're in.
[00:11:24] There's a high likelihood that we are contributing to what's hard. We're contributing to the suffering, and the goal then becomes how do we become conscious as much of the time as possible of this loop that we fall into? How can we lift up and out of it? So that we can see it, right? And I've talked about this before.
[00:11:50] I talked about this just last week with the three Bs. That's a great tool. Listen to the pod from last week and you'll hear more about that. Or maybe it was from Monday, I can't remember. How do we get more conscious of this loop of resistance really? And reactivity? How do we lift up and out of it? So.
[00:12:09] Right. We have to be willing to pause, to stop, to trust that we can trust that we can take a moment, that we can take a minute, that we can take five minutes, that we can take an hour, that we can take whatever amount of time we need to slow down, to tend to our nervous system to drop into the present moment.
[00:12:34] Right here, right now, right here, right now. To see that what we're looking at is an iceberg people, right? The events and experiences up on the tip of the iceberg, plus all that we can't see. And from this place, this is a place where if we're willing, we can look for acceptance over what is So are you willing to do that?
[00:13:00] Are you willing to dig into this with me? Think about what is alive for you right now, and maybe this is. Not your first time listening to this episode, which is awesome. Yeah. Come back and maybe what it is that's alive for you is different today than it was a year ago or two years ago, or five years ago.
[00:13:20] Right? Are you willing to accept whatever or is hard or challenging in this moment? Are you willing to accept it that it's, it's real and alive?
[00:13:40] So let's dig deeper into this. E plus R equals O. We're not gonna dig deeper into the events and experiences because we could make a whole list, right? We aren't gonna dig into the outcomes a little bit. We are, but what we're really gonna talk about is that space in between where we have the opportunity to be in response.
[00:14:02] Reaction to what's happening. So again, we're looking at three different modes, right? One is, and we're gonna talk about this first 'cause I think it's the most familiar for all of us, which is resistance, right? And no shade here. Resistance is real. It is safety, it is learned, right? We're shooting from the hip 'cause we're being attacked by a grizzly bear.
[00:14:28] I don't know. Active survival response shows up, right? The definition of resistance. Is fighting against reality with the urge to control, fix, or change the situation, and it's often fueled by fear, frustration, or a sense of losing control and oh, baby. Right. Moving into the teen years, is there any more of an experience where you feel like you are losing control?
[00:15:00] Right. Many of us, if we haven't already, you know, lost someone. Or had other life experiences that have taught us this lesson. Be sure that to know that once you get into the teen years with your kiddos, this is absolutely something that will be presented to you, right? And resistance, what it can look like inside of relationship.
[00:15:26] It looks like arguing, lecturing, reacting, really emotionally. To the person, to the event, the experience, it looks like trying to force an outcome or impose authority. So again, not in my house, you will not behave like this. You know, fill in the authoritarian drill sergeant response saying things like, you have to listen, right?
[00:15:54] You better shape up or ship out. I laugh, but it's really kind of sad. And then there's a tone, right? There's an energy that comes along with resistance. Often it's anger or tension. Anxiety, urgency, right? Fear. And it is so common for resistance to show up in parenting, especially parenting teenagers. A hundred percent.
[00:16:21] I get it. I feel it. And you know, it's when you hear things like, oh my kid that, you know, they were just being so disrespectful, I just needed to shut it down. Or It doesn't really matter to me what's going on with them. I'm the parent and they'll do what I say. Or it's even like, God, why won't they just do it right?
[00:16:40] I've done everything right. Why won't they listen? So again, we're always impacting that outcome. Events and experiences, relationship, those things happen we react with, and if we react with resistance, how are we influencing the outcome? Well, we can escalate the conflict. Resistance creates emotional distance.
[00:17:06] It leads to teens to shut down or rebel while leaving you feeling super drained out of control. Not your best parenting moment, right? So resistance is always a choice, right? A lot of times it's that shoot from the hip out of consciousness direction that we had in emotional freight train, but it is, it's one way to do it.
[00:17:34] Doesn't really have the impact that I think when we are lifting up and out and thinking about what do I wanna create in this relationship? How do I wanna support my kiddo? I don't think we want to be escalating conflict, creating emotional distance, or leading our kids to shut down a rebel, right? We don't want that, but man, in those moments, we let our emotional experience that wave.
[00:18:00] Take us over, take us down the track. And then we gotta clean some stuff up, right? So that's one choice. Another choice, right? Acceptance. And not just acceptance, but there's, like I mentioned earlier, there's two different styles of acceptance styles. I don't know if that's the right word, but we're gonna use it.
[00:18:17] Passive acceptance versus active acceptance. I think for many people, when they hear the word acceptance, they think about passive acceptance. And the definition of passive acceptance is allowing a situation to exist without resistance, but also without engagement or intention. So passive acceptance. It might look like giving up or detaching emotionally from your child or the situation.
[00:18:50] We do this because it is so hard to hold. Our pain in experiencing their pain is too much. We don't have the skills to be with it or saying things like, you know what? It is what it is, but with a tone of defeat or resignation. Like, guess this is how it's gonna be letting it go. The emotional tone to passive acceptance and the energy behind it is really this experience of helplessness, of apathy.
[00:19:24] Some resentment might show up, right? Where just, you know, deflated. We're deflated. And it makes sense because some of what our kids are doing, some of our kids are making really scary choices. We're seeing them struggle with mental health. We're witnessing them, you know, kind of creating their own drama and then not recognizing the influence they have in the experience that we're having.
[00:19:53] And it is mind boggling, and it makes sense that to protect ourselves, we wanna retreat. Right, so this happens in parenting. Of course, it can sound like, you know what, they never listen to me, so what's the point? Or I'll just let them figure it out. They don't care what I say anyway. Or I have no control.
[00:20:18] And I talk a lot about control being an illusion because I believe that it is. And so in a passive acceptance space. There is defeat. Inside of this statement, I have no control, but we're gonna talk about control versus influence in a few moments. The impact, the impact that we have when we respond, react to events, experiences, behaviors, tip of the iceberg.
[00:20:49] The impact we have when that's how we respond can look like disconnection, frustration. And a sense that we've abandoned our influencer values. Also, when we respond with this passive acceptance, our kids might feel like they're on their own. You can't handle it. You have to check out. Then I better just carry on without you.
[00:21:13] And guess who I'm gonna turn towards if I'm a teenager? Other teenagers who are also unskilled and inexperienced. So they're turning towards each other for guidance, and they don't have the wisdom or the knowledge that our years of experience has given us. Right? They're not getting curious with each other.
[00:21:34] They're giving each other lots of the time, not great advice, doing the best they can, but not great advice, right? And if passive acceptance is what we're finally driven to. Through power struggle. Right? Fine, whatever. You know, do what you want. Our kids feel like, okay, great, I won that one. And they might just be doubling down on their behavior.
[00:22:01] There isn't room to explore what is it that I want and how am I influencing it? Right. If we just give up, let it go passively, just, okay, I guess this is how it is. Let go of any kind of authority. It can have some profound impacts on that outcome. So that's the second choice. So there's reaction, there's passive acceptance, and then there's active acceptance.
[00:22:29] Right. And in this context, we're gonna define active acceptance as a conscious, grounded choice to accept reality as it is right now while staying emotionally present and intentional with your response. I. Right. I love that. A conscious, grounded choice to accept reality as it is right now while staying emotionally present and intentional in your response.
[00:22:58] This can look like acknowledging the truth of a situation without denial or resistance. Right. Staying engaged, even when you can't change the outcome immediately. This is a great place for validation and curiosity. Saying things like, man, this is hard, but I can face it with openness and purpose, and I trust that my kiddo can too.
[00:23:23] And remembering when I stay connected and open, I can generate. Influence. I can increase the likelihood that my relationship, that my presence gets a seat at the table. You've heard me say that before, right? Like I can have an influence. I can be one of the many voices that my kiddo is leaning towards for support, right?
[00:23:49] And listening instead of being in this battle. Reacting, responding to the events and experiences. This way, the energy behind active acceptance is strength. God, even as I say that, I'm pulling back my shoulders. I'm opening my heart Strength and compassion and clarity, right?
[00:24:20] There's also this piece. As I think about active acceptance where I am handing over the energetic responsibility with faith and trust, right? Versus the passive acceptance of like, you're kind of tossing it away or throwing it on the ground. This is really like, I'm gonna hand this to you energetically, and I, I believe in you.
[00:24:46] I trust you. I get that this is part of your path and we're gonna. You're not on it alone, right? I'm here. And it's so common in parenting, right? We can really lean into this active acceptance when we can remember, Hey, listen, our kids, they're going through a tough phase. I can't fix it, but I'll keep showing up and holding space.
[00:25:09] That so resonates with me when I think back to Rowan and you know, her toughest time. Or even my son and some of the stuff that he's been through, like, man, this is hard right now and I can't make it better. I can't make it better, but I can keep showing up. I can keep holding space. I can keep energetically believing in them to grow through what they're going through.
[00:25:33] It also looks like, Hey, you know what? I don't agree with the decisions and the choices that they're making, but I trust the foundation that we've built and I'm gonna be here when they need me. Right active acceptance there. They are kind of off the rails or really off the rails. I know that they have a solid foundation.
[00:25:54] I am here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm available. I. Finally, again, you've heard me say this. I'm gonna say it again. That idea, for whatever reason, what our kids are going through, or our partners, or even ourselves, whatever we're going through, this is a part of our path, their path, their journey, their life, learning.
[00:26:15] How can I be the most supportive as they grow through this? Right? And again, when we meet those events and experiences with active acceptance, we have an impact. We make an influence on the outcome, right? We're building resilience, we're building trust, building an A, strengthening an emotional connection.
[00:26:42] Even in the toughest moments, we're making an impact. And this is where influence lies. And again, if we continue. You know, here we are in the loop. If we do our best on the loop to meet events and experiences with this active acceptance, here we are. We're here right now. I'm here. I'm available. I'm open. I trust the process.
[00:27:04] We're gonna continue to influence the outcome, and by influencing the outcome, I'm not talking about everything gets better, problems go away, but I am talking about the environment. That our people are living inside of. How is that being impacted? How is the space for them to consider and grow and learn?
[00:27:30] How is that being impacted by me showing up in active acceptance in all of my strength and compassion and clarity, and by clarity, when I think of that word in this context. I mean, it is clear to me that life is continuously unfolding in a way to offer us opportunities to grow and learn and evolve, right?
[00:28:00] Like I am super clear on that. I might not say that. I mean, I have been known to say that. I remember one time, I think I've said this before on the podcast, when Rowan was really in it. I said, you know, I bet there'll be a day. Well, you'll look back on this and you'll see so many gifts from this experience.
[00:28:18] And she just looked at me like she wanted to kill me with her eyeballs. It was too soon. So clarity, I don't mean clarity that we speak out. I mean clarity in our energy. Like I believe in my people. I believe that they have the ability to grow through what they're going through. I. It might not be the first go around of the lesson.
[00:28:42] It might take a few goes, might take a lot. It's not up to me to be in charge of the timeline as much as I want to be in charge of the timeline, but that's the interruption of that E plus R equals O loop that just is life lifeing. How are we responding and what would it look like to respond in this active acceptance space?
[00:29:08] Right. The energy is present empowered. The mindset is, okay, this is real. This is happening, right? What can I choose now? What can I do now? Parenting, you know, we get to be that compassionate presence. We get to have boundaries. Absolutely. And we get to trust the process. Right. We wanna create ever more connection, ever more clarity, and ever more resilience, and we can do that in how we respond to the events and experiences that are showing up currently in our life.
[00:29:45] And listen, this is for everything, right? There's the low hanging fruit, there's the, the mellow events and experiences that we roll our eyes out like, yep, here we go. And then there's the really big scary stuff like substance misuse, like. You know, life-threatening diagnosis, like severe bullying, right? Or heartache or, you know, I mean, we could list it all, all of it fits inside of events and experiences, and all of it is influenced by how we respond.
[00:30:17] So how are you responding and how do we, you know, and there's these two questions, right? I think when things get really hard, it's like, ah, how do I, I just wanna move through this and get to the other side. Versus how can I be with this in a way that's helpful? Right? I can't speed up my husband's shoulder surgery recovery.
[00:30:39] I can't speed up the, you know, treatment for his cancer. That lies ahead. So how do I be with it in a way that's helpful? We can't speed up, you know, our kids' challenges that they're moving through, right? How can we be with it in a way that's helpful? And all this to say like, who do you wanna be is a more powerful question than, how can I fix this?
[00:31:05] Right? How do you wanna show up and how can you get better at showing up with more active acceptance? Well, I have six steps, my friends, I have six steps that I'm leaving you with, right? I already mentioned three Bs. The three Bs process, breath, body balcony, super useful. Absolutely. Here's another way of thinking about growing towards more active acceptance.
[00:31:33] The first step is emotional honesty. So depending on you and your kiddo and what you've already been through and how you've already responded, there might be some cleaning up to do, right? You know that I always start here. Owning our own stuff and really opening a space of vulnerability with our emotional honesty.
[00:31:54] The second right, find the pause in the moment. Pause, right, pause. Slow it down. Breath is a great way to do this. Recognize like, woo. What is your physical experience of being in reaction or being in passive acceptance? Do you all remember years ago? I'll have to see. I think I've done podcasts about think tree, so we have an activity in positive discipline when we do in-person classes.
[00:32:26] That's really powerful and it actually. It actually really captures these three ways of being, these three ways of responding. You know, the first one is really being in your body around reaction. Like how does it feel to be reactive? Typically, it's tight and. Tense and we're in fighter stance and our face is all screwed up.
[00:32:52] Right? Versus that passive acceptance, which is really loose, loosey goosey, jellyfish can't be depended on, right? Versus active acceptance. Feeling our feet on the floor, kind of like mountain pose and yoga, finding neutral, feeling our feet on the floor, pulling back our shoulders, arms, maybe our hands are pointing out in reception.
[00:33:17] Openness, softening our face, right? So getting to finding the pause, getting to a neutral physical body, and noticing your thoughts. Are you in the always never conversation, and can you shift into acceptance in the present moment, right? What's real right now? And can I accept what's real right now? What does it sound like look like?
[00:33:46] To accept what's real right now and then from that place, I see you. I hear you. I love you. Compassionate presence. Ask what they need. What do you need from me right now? Right. Or even share what you need. I see you're having a hard time with this and I'm noticing that I'm having a hard time with this too.
[00:34:10] So I'm gonna take a break. I'm gonna go, you can set some boundaries, right? I'm gonna go have some time for me. Or it could sound like, this is really hard. Let's talk about, you know, how we're gonna keep you safe, how you're gonna keep yourself safe, emotional, honesty, finding the pause, getting to neutral, noticing your thoughts, shifting into acceptance.
[00:34:34] And then from that place, asking what it is that your loved one needs. Right. And I understand, I understand intimately it's a big ask, right? It's a big ask. And you know, there is this internal turmoil around why do I gotta be the one that does all the work? What about them? I totally get that. And because you do, right?
[00:35:00] Ultimately we get to decide how we're gonna show up and we get to grow through what we are going through. Because even as our kids. Our partners or whoever in our life is having a hard time. We are having an adjacent experience, right? And that adjacent experience is also an opportunity for growth and possibility.
[00:35:20] So use it, right? Use it. Events and experiences will keep showing up, and you will continue to have moments where life is kicking your ass that you can depend on. What if You could also depend on your ability to be with it all. Right. What if you could trust yourself and believe in yourself? Active acceptance is where it's at.
[00:35:51] And if this is landing for you and you want more support in putting active acceptance into practice in your current. Challenge in your current relationships. I am here for you. I'm here for you. You can go to be sprout.com/explore to book a free 15 minute call with me and we can get on the phone and see what you need.
[00:36:11] Alright. Thank you so much for listening today. I see you in what is hard. I know this is a really big concept and you might be left with more questions. Hit me up in the. Joyful courage for parents of teens Facebook group, or message me on social media. I believe in us. I believe that we can get ever better at being an active acceptance.
[00:36:36] Until next time, all the love and good vibes.
[00:36:44] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Spro partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it. Sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:37:12] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected@bessspreadable.com. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.
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