Transcription
JC Solo (4.3.25) - FINAL
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hello, welcome back. Welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people, and when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids. We can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact.
[00:00:27] My name's Casey Ody. I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder, coach, and the adolescent lead at Sprout, able also mama to a 20-year-old daughter and a 17-year-old son. I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting.
[00:00:46] This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard. To keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please, please pass the link around.
[00:01:08] Snap a screenshot. Post it on your socials or text it to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple Podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:32] All right, here we are. Are you ready? Are you buckled up for the start of the second decade of this show? Did you listen to Monday's episode? It was a long one. It was a whole hour and a half and I listened to it yesterday. I actually started listening to it in the car with my husband and uh, you know, on one hand.
[00:01:55] I say the word journey a lot, and I say the word powerful a lot, but once I kind of got over that, I really appreciated what I created for all of you and. My process of putting that together was really to tell the story, not only of the show, but the evolution of me as your host and, and, and the evolution of all of us.
[00:02:18] Right. Especially those of you that have been listening from the start. Right. When I started, my kids were nine and 12. Now they're 19 and 22, and I'm still parenting on the daily, so. Yeah. I hope that you appreciated that and I hope there were some clips that reminded you or tuned you into some really useful shows and, and that you went back and maybe listened to some old episodes because of it.
[00:02:47] That would be cool. You know, as I thought about today's show and what I wanted to bring to this solo episode, I really was sitting with the idea of what is it that we want to create here at the Joyful Courage Podcast? What do I wanna create? Here, what is my purpose as I carry on into the next 10 years?
[00:03:13] And ultimately, I want this show to have an impact on you, right? I wanna share content that is making an impact on how you're showing up for your family. I also am putting this podcast together each and every week for you to impact the world. Encouraging you to share and to launch what is available here outside of our little joyful courage bubble and out into the world, right into your communities, into your schools, into.
[00:03:49] The spaces where you exist. My hope is that when you listen to this show, you reach out to friends and family and say, oh man, this is what I did this morning. I listened to this and I found value, and I think you will too. Right? It's important to me as I think about creating episodes for you to keep it real and authentic every time.
[00:04:13] That's something that's important to me. And also kind of one of my unconscious competence. I dunno how else to be but real and authentic. So there you go. I think it's important to embody the messiness of. What I talk about and I do that, I'm, I'm messy. It's messy. And also I wanna keep it relevant, right?
[00:04:39] We have to be in community, and we are in community in so many spaces. There's those of you that listen that are also part of the. Joyful Courage for Parents of teens Facebook group. So we connect there. There are those of you that listen, that are a part of my membership program, which I adore all of you, and we connect there.
[00:05:00] There's those of you that listen that are also a part of my email list where I show up weekly. Mostly weekly to share a little bit about what's current and alive in the moment, as well as the shows from the week. So if you are someone who listens but aren't a part of any of those spaces, I would encourage you to.
[00:05:26] Join in the Facebook group is free. The email list is free. The membership program is not free. Um, and it's a year long program. The doors open every January. If you wanna know more, feel free to reach out. It's a really beautiful group of parents whose kids are in the tween and teen years. Who are coming together every month, a couple times a month for workshops and group coaching calls.
[00:05:54] You have really good access to me. But yeah. And the communities that I hold space for, that's where the content really comes from and the clients that I work with. And that's what I'm gonna be highlighting this week. For the first solo show of the second decade, I'm gonna highlight something that has been coming up with clients in my membership and in the Facebook group.
[00:06:27] So I recently had a client share about how things had changed. She's someone that I've worked with for a few years and we were talking about how things recently changed dramatically with her child, with their child, something that they experienced as a big, scary issue, a big. Annoying challenge shifted, and when I asked them, Hey, if you could go back in time, go back a year and give yourself some advice about how to be with this challenge, as it was just kind of showing up, what would you say to yourself?
[00:07:10] And my client said, I would remind myself that my child is smart and strong, and that they were gonna figure things out. It was so powerful and a statement that I ended up bringing the parent back to later on during the call, and I have a feeling I'll be bringing them back to the statement again and again and again.
[00:07:33] So if it's true that your child is smart and strong and going to figure things out, how does that shift the way that you're holding a new current challenge? Right. That's kind of how I used it with this particular. Parent and then there was a post that showed up in the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group, and the Post was written by a parent who I have been working with for like three, four years.
[00:08:03] They were a part of the membership program. They've been a private client and they've really been through it with their oldest different details, but similar challenges to what I went through with my daughter. Here's what this parent wrote in the Facebook group. I've been doing positive discipline for three years or so.
[00:08:22] We sent our 17-year-old to wilderness therapy a few weeks ago, and wilderness therapy, for those of you that don't know, it's a inpatient ish. Experience that kids have out in the woods, like everything gets kind of paired down to surviving in the woods with trained, hopefully trained therapists and people to hold space for them.
[00:08:47] Some programs are better than others, so I encourage you to do your research on this, but that's what this parent is referring to. We sent our 17-year-old to wilderness therapy a few weeks ago, and I was feeling so defeated and sad, so much so that I thought all the work I had put into changing myself and creating a relationship with her had been in vain.
[00:09:07] There was nothing else to do. I had tried it all and eventually we did what no parent ever wants to do. We sent her away. Slowly. I've been having the realization that positive discipline should be what is in every parent's toolbox. I am reminded week after week of all that I have learned and what a solid foundation it has given me today.
[00:09:29] When we had our weekly call with her therapist, she shared something so profound that I just had to share it here. We had sent our child an impact letter, which is exactly what it sounded like. They had read it out loud to their group. During the processing part, someone had asked about us and how our child felt about our relationship.
[00:09:52] My child said that they felt very close to me, that we had moments of tension and arguments, but that overall when we connected, we had a great time together. They acknowledged how much I tried to foster connection this last week. My child even wrote to me separately with so many realizations and aha moments.
[00:10:13] All of my work was not in vain after all. To top that off on the Zoom Parent Support Weekly call, as soon as I said my teen's name, a couple chimed in to say that their child's letter contained a full paragraph on how my child had been a role model for her, a support person she could lean on. Always there for her.
[00:10:38] The dad ended by thanking me for raising such a good kid. I have cried happy tears of pure joy today and just had to share. Thank you Casey, and thank you to the membership group for getting me to today. I'm finally feeling hopeful. This was huge. This post, this is a parent that really worked so hard to embody the positive discipline philosophy to break free of their conditioning around parenting and what it should look like.
[00:11:11] She really had to sit with a lot of scary, risky behavior, right? This is a parent with a teen who was deeply discouraged and her behavior reflected that, which is scary for any parent. Right, and this share reminds me. You can be doing all the work, you can be engaging in all the tools, working on relationship, doing all the things, and it can still feel really messy and hard.
[00:11:38] Humans relating is a wild ride and we come to our relationships with all sorts of layers. So inspired by this post in the Facebook group, I asked. For those of you parenting older teens, what are some advice you have for parents that are kind of just coming into adolescence? And this is the theme of this show, by the way, if you can't tell.
[00:12:02] So one mom wrote, don't ride the emotional rollercoaster with them. Instead be the steady, calm source of validation and recovery and normalcy for them. Another parent said, work on yourself and your emotional regulation, because ultimately this is what makes all the difference in between and teen years.
[00:12:22] Another parent wrote, take care of yourself so you can be available for your teen. Get support or therapy for yourself if you're struggling and managing your own emotions so you can therefore be more available. And finally. A parent said this, the one simple word which is patience. I also put a call out to my membership community.
[00:12:44] If you could go back in time and give yourself advice about parenting through the teen years, what would you say? And here's some audio of three different parents.
[00:12:54] Robin's Advice: If I could give my past self advice about parenting, I would tell myself to remember to keep asking questions and stay curious to always have faith in him.
[00:13:04] Faith in me and faith in the process, and to not give up on screens. I would tell myself to put him in charge of dinner one night a week and to help him with it until he was old enough to do it himself. I totally wish I did that. By the way. I would also tell myself that the teen years are rocky and hard, but that I could do it and he can do it.
[00:13:25] And the biggest thing I have to do is to keep showing up and it is totally worth it. And. The best piece of advice I could give would be to keep making deposits in that relationship bank account by continuing to find fun things to do together, no matter what else is going on. Totally worth it.
[00:13:44] Erin's Advice: The advice I would give myself as a parent a few years ago would've been to relax.
[00:13:50] Remember that I can't control everything, and that relationship with my kids is so important to not try to lecture them all the time. And allow them to tell me what they were thinking and feeling.
[00:14:05] Janelle's Advice: I have three teens, 18, 15, and 14. If I could go back seven or eight years, I would tell myself to, um, buckle up.
[00:14:15] It's gonna be a long and hard ride, but it's worth it. And I would definitely remind myself to self care, to stay connected and to really keep that perspective of wanting connection. Non-judgment and confidence. I would tell myself to give myself lots and lots of grace as well as my kids and that, um, everything is gonna be okay.
[00:14:47] Casey O'Roarty: I really appreciate how all of this advice. You know, so much of it is reflective of how we're showing up and what we can do for ourselves to be ever more regulated and connected and available and present. Right. So why now? Why is this conversation relevant now? Well, again, we're at that 10 year mark of the Joyful Courage Podcast.
[00:15:09] This is a space for parents of adolescents. That's what we're doing here. That's what we're talking about. We're really, really centering, and I'm declaring it right now. We are centering the experience of parenting through adolescence and adolescence really is, you know. 10, 11, 12, all the way through those mid twenties, right?
[00:15:33] So when I think about parenting adolescents, I'm still in that practice with my kids, even though they're 19 and 22. And I'm often encouraging you to do what can feel like the impossible thing. I'm encouraging you to do things like consider that it's a long road. Like I just said, adolescent starts to show up for some of our kids as young as 10 years old, and we know from neuroscience that the adolescent brain isn't fully developed until after 25.
[00:16:04] That's a lot of years. That's a lot of years, right? For those of you at the start of it, it's like, oh, no. So long. And yes, within that time there are periods of peaks and valleys, and the peaks can feel really short, and the valleys can feel really long, and I have absolutely been there. And we get to remember that there's always the opportunity to lift up and out of the valley to see the whole picture.
[00:16:35] The bigger picture, the picture that includes the past early childhood, those elementary years, as well as a future that you just can't know, but you know what you can count on. Your teen is gonna continue to grow and develop. They're going to continue to accrue experiences and build perspectives. They're gonna continue to make meaning they're living the consequences of their choices.
[00:16:58] Whether you intervene or not. And when we continue to nurture our relationship with them along the way, we can support in that meaning making. We can prompt their critical thinking and their self-reflection, which ultimately supports them in the development that's happening, right? So, okay, great. What about the how?
[00:17:21] How do we do this? How do we live in the present and not let whatever is going on drown us? And I am actively in this practice right now. For me, what's going on the valley is not so much with my kids as much as it is just navigating the current caregiving that I'm doing with my husband. So this is useful for me.
[00:17:46] Hopefully it's useful for you too. So one of the how's is the three Bs. Remember the three Bs? I talked a lot about the three Bs a few years ago, probably more than a few years ago. I've done episodes about the three Bs. It is a tool that's highlighted in my book. Remember I wrote a book, joyful Courage, calming the Drama, and Taking Control of Your Parenting Journey.
[00:18:09] My little book that I published back in 2019, guess what? That little book, it holds up. Even as I had yet to go through all the things we went through with my daughter and my husband's health and Covid, the focus of the book was how to stay off the emotional freight train, how to be in the present moment and make thoughtful choices about how we are showing up and making sure that we're showing up in a way that is helpful and not hurtful.
[00:18:37] More of the time. So let's just review this tool, this three Bs tool. So the three Bs stand for breath, body balcony, right? And when we think about breath, if you're rolling your eyes, I see you. But breath is a really useful tool and it is always available to us. Our nervous system is directly connected to breath.
[00:19:07] Right, and when we can just slow down and just turn our attention to breath and intentionally be with our inhales and our exhales, we can trigger the body. We can trigger the nervous system that we are safe. We can maybe even slow down time. Right. Time is a construct. We can slow down how we're experiencing time when we choose to be more intentional with our breath.
[00:19:39] And isn't it true? I mean, we get in these situations or we're confronted by risky behavior or a sassy attitude or whatever the confrontation is, right? And we are real. We get triggered. We get amplified. We get worked up, our head starts to spin. And as you know, as I know, it's really hard to talk ourselves out of how we're feeling.
[00:20:08] So the breath becomes this side door, right? You don't have to change your mind. I. All you gotta do is slow down your breath. All you gotta do is take your focus, be willing to take your focus from what is pissing you off, or freaking you out, or spinning you into the reactive parenting mode. Be willing to just shift your focus on breath.
[00:20:34] Okay. I'm spinning out. Okay. I'm freaking out. Oh my gosh. I'm so angry. I'm so upset. Am I willing to simply bring my attention to my breath? And only you can decide that ultimately. So taking your attention, bringing it to breath, slowing things down, slowing things down, taking as many breaths as you want, right?
[00:20:59] Noticing the shift in your experience when you slow down. Your breath. When you take more intentional breaths, notice what happens to your physical experience, right? And then the next step is really riding a breath into the body. Noticing where are you tense, right? Where's the tension in your body for me, when I am really triggered or amplified?
[00:21:27] I get really tense in my jaw, my little muscles in my face, my shoulders, you know, my body tells me when I am activated. It's telling me when I'm activated. And so again, breath and body now together. Breath gets too soften. The places in the body where there's tension. Right. Maybe for you it's the hips or the legs or the back.
[00:21:56] So continuing with breath, but now we're paying attention also to body. And softening the tension. Softening the tension. You are safe. It's okay. Softening the tension, softening the messages that your body is giving to your brain about fight, freeze flight V, right? So once you've. Connected with the breath.
[00:22:21] Once you've softened the body, now you get to take that metaphorical balcony seat. The third be taking the balcony seat. Imagining that you can see from this more elevated perspective, right? You can see the challenge that's happening. From the more elevated perspective, you can see what you are visualizing.
[00:22:48] Right. You can see yourself in reaction, in fear. Um, you can see perhaps better what your child might actually need in the moment. Right From the elevated space, we can remember that there are things going on under the surface. We can remember that curiosity is gonna get us farther than lecture. Right.
[00:23:15] Encouragement is something that's gonna draw our child towards us, and the whole idea about what are we visualizing, right? I think this is really, really key. What are we visualizing when our kids are in crisis as mine have been? Maybe if you're listening, your kids are in crisis right now, or you've moved through a crisis, or you're hoping to avoid crisis.
[00:23:43] What are we visualizing in those moments? How are we holding our kids' future? I remember I had a lot of worry and fear about, you know, is my child gonna be able to take care of herself? Like, what is gonna happen? Is there a lot of doom or gloom? A feeling of helplessness? Why are we do, why do we do that?
[00:24:05] Why? Why do we do that to ourselves? It's not useful. Right? And if we're making up a future. Which is exactly what we're doing when we go into doom and gloom and we look ahead at worst case scenario, we're making up a future. We're imagining something that doesn't yet exist, so why not imagine something else?
[00:24:27] If that's all we're doing right, why not see a future of love and contentment and possibility for our kiddos? Especially the ones that are struggling, why not imagine them growing through this current challenge, growing through this current time, this era of life, and coming out on the other side as strong and resilient and confident and self-aware?
[00:24:55] Why not do that? Right? So the question of how do we stay present? How do we stay connected? I. How do we stay inside of what's hard without letting it drown us? Well, here's one tool, breath body balcony. I encourage you to practice it and again, you can go back. I have episodes, I'll put 'em in the show notes where I talk a lot more about this tool.
[00:25:22] And listen. Over the last 10 years of this podcast, I've acknowledged that this parenting practice is one where we live in uncertainty. We don't know as much as we want to. We can't know how things will turn out. I. We can do all the right things and shit can go sideways. We can do all the wrong things and guess what?
[00:25:42] Everything can work out. I mean, think about, maybe it's you, maybe it's a friend who had a really tough come up through childhood and are thriving. Granted probably after doing a lot of personal growth work, which is awesome. But it just goes to show you, we are not robots. We're not raising robots. There's no formula to get to the best outcome.
[00:26:09] To me, there's just authenticity and the willingness to grow. These are such important pieces of this season of parenting, being present with that, right? With with, with authenticity, how can I be ever more authentic? Evermore real and evermore willing to grow and to learn and develop alongside my kid. Be real with yourself and with your teens.
[00:26:34] Adolescents see our flaws. They know we aren't perfect. They know we don't have all the answers, so stop acting like we do. That can really win you some points. Plus, it's true, we aren't perfect. We're human beings and humans are messy. So let's own that and let our example show our kids what it looks like to be in the human experience.
[00:27:00] And yes, living in uncertainty is all the things you know that I know what this is like. This was real for me as my oldest moved through. Her stuff continues to be real for me as I show up to experience what's currently alive in my family. It's real. How do we do it? How do we live without knowing how things are gonna turn out?
[00:27:23] It's a practice of living in the present moment, and it's a practice of trusting the process.
[00:27:38] So yesterday my husband and I spent the day in Seattle navigating doctor's appointments and the long car ride down. It takes about an hour and a half, hour, 45 minutes, depending on traffic to get down there. And we talked a lot about our kids and our parenting choices and how we showed up for them, how we showed up for each other.
[00:27:58] We talked about. You know, the things that freaked us out and what didn't and how interesting it is that the things that freak out parents, it can be different in different families. And honestly, I don't know if how we showed up was the best way or the right way. I don't know if letting go in certain areas served my kids.
[00:28:20] Maybe there were things we could have been stricter about. Can we know? I know that I didn't like the kids to be mad at me, that I was uncomfortable with their discomfort, and you know, I worked through that. Along the way, I got better at being a confident authority. I trusted that. Being mad in a relationship isn't the same as a relationship breakdown.
[00:28:45] Right. This is big and something that comes up with parents. In an effort to preserve relationship, we may lose our boundaries or get permissive because it feels like. You know, I don't want them to be mad at me or we're somehow ruining relationship if we lean into firmness, right? But boundaries matter and conflict is a natural part of relating to each other.
[00:29:08] This is where trust comes in for me. Trusting the process, trusting the strength of relationship, trusting that our teens can understand our role on some level. I remember saying, you get that? I'm your mom, right? Like, I'm gonna have something to say about this. I would say that I'm friends with my kids. I would say we have a close relationship and we have had a close relationship for a long time, but neither of them has ever questioned my mom role.
[00:29:38] Like I'm very much the mom. We can have both. It isn't an either or. Either we're friends or we're the parent. And that conversation is annoying to me. Like, don't be their friend, be their parent. We can be both. And inside of that, we can trust the process, trust the learning and growth from our kids and from ourselves.
[00:29:59] So if nothing else, I want you to consider the advice you would give to your past self about your parenting and about the parenting journey, your sweet past self. And then I want you to consider how does this advice serve you right now? In the present moment, what you have to say to your past self. Is that something that is supportive of you right now?
[00:30:24] Don't forget, as I always say, if this is landing for you and you want more personal support, book a free 15 minute call with me. No risk, right? All reward. You can go to be spr audible.com/explore and we can get on the phone. You can tell me a little bit about what's going on with you. I'd love to offer some support as well as letting you know how we can further work together because I'm here for you.
[00:30:52] I'm here for you.
[00:30:56] Yeah, and that's what I've got for you today. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your week and weekend. Move your body, drink some water, maybe even find a comfy place for some stillness or meditation or journaling, and I will see you on Monday. Bye.
[00:31:21] Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my Sprout Partners, Julietta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected@besproutable.com.
[00:31:47] Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.
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