Transcription
JC Solo Ep 557 (3.6.25) - Final
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hello, welcome back. Welcome to the Joyful Courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids. We can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact.
[00:00:27] My name's Casey O'Roarty. I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder, coach, and the adolescent lead at Sproutable. Also, Mama, to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting.
[00:00:46] This show is meant to be a resource to you, and I work really hard. To keep it really real, transparent, and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget, sharing truly is caring. If you loved today's show, please, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials, or text it to your friends.
[00:01:12] Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple Podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:32] Hey, everybody. Hi, welcome back. Welcome back to the Thursday show. Solo show. You and me. I am excited to be coming to you today, connecting, and I'm going to dig into Relationship. Shocker. Can't believe it. But yeah, I love to talk about relationship and relating to each other because I think it's the key to everything.
[00:01:58] But before I get into that, I just want to let you know that coming up in April, so April is my 10 year anniversary of this podcast. 10 years, you guys. Who's been around the whole time? I know there's a handful of you that have been listening to me the whole time and God bless you. God bless all of us and the 10 years that we've been parenting together.
[00:02:24] walking beside each other through all of the twists and turns through COVID, through younger years and middle years. And maybe some of you like me have launched your kids. This has been such a special experience for me and one that I'm going to carry on with. And what I want to let you know is there are going to be some changes happening to the podcast starting in April.
[00:02:50] So one is. physical. I'm going to change the show art. So the show art is going to get a little facelift. I'm really excited about that. And also some of the formatting. So I've been playing with using posts and questions from the Facebook group to provide content, which I really like doing. I love solo shows.
[00:03:11] I love me and the mic. And you know, if I get feedback about the podcast, nine times out of 10, you all are telling me how much you enjoy the solo shows. So what I've decided moving forward is I'm going to do more solo shows. The Monday shows no longer are going to be interviews, although sometimes they will be, and sometimes I will throw it back for an interview that I've done that I know has been impactful for all of you, but I'm gonna take over those Monday shows with more of these solo you and me experiences.
[00:03:48] So, I'm excited about that. And I hope that that's exciting to you too. Keep suggesting people that you love because that's the other thing that I get every once in a while is somebody will turn me on to a book or an author. And the solo show might even be after having read someone's book, giving my take or my opinion on it.
[00:04:07] So yeah, things are going to be a little bit different, but I really feel like this is about growth, giving you what you want. and evolving 10 years, you guys. Oh my gosh, 10 years, right? Maybe we'll do 10 more years, 10 more years of talking about relationship and how we relate to each other. So let's get into that.
[00:04:31] Why do I talk so much about relationship on this podcast and in my work? Well, I think the best thing that we can do as human beings is to create a space where we can really receive each other. Right? Where we can receive the experiences that we're having of each other, where we can really receive the messages that we're giving each other in a purest way possible, right?
[00:05:00] Without defensiveness, without ulterior motives, right? How can we create a space of receiving? And there's so many layers. to the dynamic that we're in with our kids by the time that they hit adolescence, right? There's so many layers in the dynamic. They have a perception of us and we have a perception of them.
[00:05:24] We've formed beliefs about how we, parents, maintain influence in the relationship. Those beliefs become our truths. and they can get in the way of hearing and understanding our kiddos. And the same is true for them, right? They've formed beliefs about us. and how they maintain influence and belonging, right?
[00:05:47] So let's dig in a little bit more about what I mean by that. So if we've spent the first 10 to 12 years of parenting, thinking that we need to keep the upper hand, we got to stay in control, keep, we have to keep our kids on the straight and narrow. And then our kiddo moves into middle and high school years and they're seeking autonomy, pushing back, which is developmentally appropriate, they may have in their mind.
[00:06:14] That their parent isn't willing to give an inch because they've had this experience all of these years of you, of us, you know, maintaining control, being the final say, not listening. And so if that's their perception of us and they want to explore the world, it might be logical for them to think, well, I'm gonna get sneaky.
[00:06:38] I'm not gonna tell my parent about this. They can't handle it. They won't like it. They're quick to say, no, I don't want the lecture. Why bother sharing? Or maybe your kiddo has interpreted some low key messaging from you around not being good enough or not being who you wish they were. Are they going to let you in as they move through individuation?
[00:07:00] Probably not because they're protecting themselves from your disapproval or your criticism in their perception as they try and figure out who they are, right? And I know. You love your children with all of your being, with all of your heart, and you only want what's best for them. I know that we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have in the moment.
[00:07:28] And it gets messy, right? It gets messy. There's what we say and what we do, and then there's how we are interpreted by our kids, who, by the way, don't have developed skills. for differentiating between what we feel like is encouragement and support. And what they're perhaps experiencing as criticism, right?
[00:07:55] And it's okay. You don't have to be perfect. None of us are perfect, right? You just have to be willing to grow in your awareness, willing to accept that there may have been some interpreting of you that is getting in the way of your kiddo wanting to be in relationship with you, willing to take steps that put you in your child's shoes.
[00:08:21] And willing to take personal responsibility for your contribution to the dynamic. We are always contributing to the dynamic that we're in with our kids, consciously or unconsciously. Right? And when the space is one where our kiddos don't have to defend themselves and their experiences. They are more open to listening and hearing and the energy of us, right?
[00:08:50] We can move out of defensiveness and open up to that receptive state. And it's a really lovely place to be and it's really helpful. And you know, for me it's everything.
[00:09:16] How do we do this? How do we create this space of receptivity, a space of more expansiveness, open-mindedness, and less narrowing. and defensiveness. Well, I think it's important to remember we all want to be seen. We want to be validated. And there's something here also about the roles that we learn to take on to create that sense of belonging and mattering.
[00:09:46] So what we get to do as parents and people in the world. is we get to meet the people that we care about. We get to meet them where they're at. We get to recognize and believe what is hard for them. What they're muddling through is real and hard. For whatever reason, this is where they're finding themselves and it makes sense that they feel the way that they feel.
[00:10:16] It makes sense. We get to be there with them. We get to mirror what we're hearing. So I'm hearing you say, that sounds really difficult. Wow, right? We get to be there with them. We get to validate again, validate, validate, validate. I use that word a lot. the experience that they're having. And I've heard parents say that it can feel hard here, like the validating and the mirroring feels like it's feeding into a situation that, you know, perhaps we're seeing differently.
[00:10:55] But who are we to judge the experience and the journey of our kids, right? So often adults are dismissing the experiences and the feelings of their teens as if their teens are less than real, as if their experiences and their emotions are less than because they're teens and they just don't know and they haven't had enough life experience.
[00:11:23] Like, who cares? Their present moment is their present moment. And we get to say, I see you, I believe you. This does sound hard. I can see why you're feeling the way you're feeling. Because guess what? Being seen in our experiences cracks open the possibility for seeing things from a broader lens. Right? We can meet them where they're at, stand with them, and then As they feel that sense of acceptance, as they feel that, just that comfort of somebody else is here with me, there's an opening to other possibilities.
[00:12:09] Right? And it's not quick. Right? It's not quick, but it is powerful and it's useful. Right? So we get to do some personal inventory here. How do people feel when they're around you? What do you bring to the relationships in your life? Do you bring a sense of safety? Can people trust you? Do people trust you with their experiences?
[00:12:37] Are you someone people come to? Do you get the feedback from people in your life that they appreciate the way that you show up for them? What about your teenagers? Can you be with the discomfort that your child might be struggling with something? This is like a huge place of growth for me. This has been a massive place of growth for me being with how uncomfortable I feel knowing that my kids are struggling and not letting that discomfort get in the way of how I show up for them, right?
[00:13:13] That's been big growth for me. Can you be with their interests being different than your interests? Can you be with their path being one of lots of twists and turns, maybe surprisingly so? I've talked about this a lot, that narrative that we don't realize we're holding, like, of course it's gonna all play out this way, and then it doesn't.
[00:13:39] Can you be with that? How do you be with that? Can you be with the fact that they're going to learn more through their experiences and mistakes than they are from your lectures? That's a hard one. Can you stay non judgmental and curious when they do share with you? Do you send the message that you believe?
[00:14:08] Your kiddo is capable of growing through what they're going through. Can your kids trust that you aren't going to make what they're moving through about you? And this one's tricky, right? Because like, again, there's that discomfort, right? And We worry, and we have fears, and we have our own unhealed stuff and wounds, and maybe we had things that happened to us as adolescents, and there's this cosmic energetic thing that happens as we witness our own kids at that same age.
[00:14:48] Moving through what they're going through, it gets really messy and tangled, right? There's things that can bubble to the surface and get in the way of our teen being willing to open up and share with us, right? What they're moving through is not about you. And so we get to practice noticing when we are making it about us.
[00:15:14] We get to practice the letting go of that. We get to practice coming back to presence and coming back to centering our teen instead of ourselves. All right, notice how much I'm saying the word practice. Another question, does your teen feel seen and understood by you? I'm throwing a lot of questions at you.
[00:15:39] Some of them you get to answer for yourself, but I would definitely take them to the people in your life and ask them, what is your experience of me? Right, while also giving them permission to be honest, letting them know that you can take it, deciding that you can first, and then going in and letting them know this is going to help you in your growth and how you show up to them, right?
[00:16:05] Ask your people about what they need from you. So do they feel seen and understood by you? Are you listening deeply to understand? Are you mirroring what you're hearing? Are you offering energetic encouragement? And listen, you don't have to get it to get that your teen, the person you're with is having a hard time and acknowledge that you see them in that, but you can bring that energy of faith in them.
[00:16:35] And I've talked about this before, Rowan and I, I think talked about it in one of our interviews, but you know, my. oldest daughter. She lives with depression and she moved through a period of time in high school where anxiety was a big block for her to live a productive life. And I do not know what it feels like to have anxiety or depression.
[00:17:03] Do I know what it feels like to be sad? Yeah. Do I know what it feels like to be nervous? Of course. But debilitating anxiety. and depression that requires medication. I don't have experience with that. And I've learned, I had to learn this, I've learned from her and from the work that we've done together that I can see her in her hard time.
[00:17:32] I can acknowledge that she's working hard and I can bring my own energetic vibration of trusting that she's going to be okay. I don't speak that. It's not like, you're going to be fine, because that's super dismissive. But instead, I get to sit inside of my own experience of her and trust that she knows how to take care of herself.
[00:18:02] She knows how to ask for help. She knows where to find help. And that influences the dynamic that we have. So, you know, some of us naturally take on this way of being with others. Like it's not a big leap to meet people where they're at and sit with them in their discomfort and not make it about them.
[00:18:28] Some of you You know, you're good at that. That's, that's your operating system. Awesome. The rest of us, and I say us because I'm including myself, really have to work to get here and show up this way, especially with our teens, right? And it requires a lot of self care. It requires a lot of self awareness.
[00:18:50] It requires a lot of untangling. from our emotional attachment to our kids experience, and then it requires practice again and again and again. Every interaction we have with our kids is an opportunity to practice holding that space of openness, of acceptance, of curiosity, right? Holding that space and nurturing that space of receptivity.
[00:19:24] So that they can trust that it's a safe place for them to step into.
[00:19:38] There's a quote I love from Wayne Dyer. I've been bringing him up a lot on my solo shows. I just finished The Power of Intention. It's so good. Highly recommend. He says, and you've probably heard this quote, Change the way you look at things and what you look at changes. I love this and I think there's, when we put it in the context of parenting, I think there's a practical example and it comes from Ross Green, who is a clinical psychologist and an author best known for, he developed the collaborative and proactive solutions model, which helps kids with behavior challenges.
[00:20:15] And he says, something that I love, My child isn't being a problem, they're having a problem. Right? Change the way you look at things and what you look at changes. So change my child is a problem to my child is having a problem. We're going to respond differently when we look through that lens. We're going to be more interested in what's happening with our kiddo than their behavior.
[00:20:45] And this very much can look like bypassing the mischief, the misbehavior, not focusing on that, but instead going under the surface, getting to the core, right? Shelf the behavior and get curious about what's going on with your child that's leading them to that behavior. Does it mean that we ignore the behavior, that we never address the behavior?
[00:21:09] No, that's not what I'm saying. But that's not where we start because something is going on with your kiddo, right? Something is going on with your kiddo that's leading them to this problematic behavior, and that's where we wanna focus and to focus there to invite them into conversation There. The space that we share with them has to be one that feels safe because, you know, keep in mind another little formula that I love, E plus R equals O, which I've talked about on the podcast.
[00:21:43] It's a formula created by Jack Canfield and I learned it from my friend and mentor, Krista Petty. But it's experiences plus reaction or response equals. outcome. So keeping this in mind, our teens walk out the door and they're having experiences, they're navigating relationships, they're understanding, interpreting expectations for themselves, the expectations that the adults in their lives put on them, and they're meeting their own sense of wonder.
[00:22:17] All of these experiences are happening, and when experiences happen to our teens, they react. And their reaction is often based on some underdeveloped skills, staying safe, saving face. That's really important to teenagers. Their reactions are influenced by their developing beliefs about themselves, about others, the world.
[00:22:44] and that deep desire to belong, right? So they're reacting to experiences with all of this in their backpack and things can get wonky, right? They make not great choices about how to react and how to respond. And this isn't their fault. This isn't character flaws. None of this is blame for the outcomes that occur based on that experience reaction combo.
[00:23:14] What this is about is how they've learned to intersect with this time of their life. Experiences happen, they react, the combination of the two creates the outcomes. So they have their experiences, they meet it with a reaction, a certain kind of behavior. which leads to an outcome. We get to hear about the outcomes, right?
[00:23:39] And when we hear about not great outcomes, and then we meet that with judging them or belittling them or dismissing them, it all adds to the soup of our teens current beliefs about themselves and the world, and it influences whether or not they perceive you as someone they can trust. So what do we do when we hear about these outcomes?
[00:23:59] What do we do when we hear about the behavior? We witness the behavior, the mischief, right? What do we do? We get to lean in. We get to send the message and speak the message. Hey, what I care about is you. I am curious about what's going on with you. I'm seeing all this behavior, these reactions, these outcomes, and really they are.
[00:24:26] Indicators that something's going on, and I want to check in with you. You are what matters the most to me. And a lot of parents, because of our own experience of mischief and our own stuff, we want to get right to the part about, How do I make this behavior stop? Or, I got to put my foot down. But this checking in with your kiddo?
[00:24:51] Really, truly checking in, being authentic. I care about you and I, I need to, I really want to know what's going on with you. I see you hurting. This part matters the most. Don't skip it. I promise you, if you continue to focus only on the behavior, that that's what's going to continue to show up, right? How we feel is intricately related to what we think and what we eventually decide to do.
[00:25:21] So it's time well spent. to clean up that relational energy with your kiddo. My child isn't being a problem, they're having a problem. Put that on a post it. Put that all over the place in your world to remind you. The other quote that I love is a misbehaving child is a discouraged child from Rudolph Dreikers.
[00:25:42] That one's good too. Yeah. The relational space matters. Our kids are going to get into mischief. They're going to make bad choices. They're going to react in a way that leads to outcomes that are not great. That's going to happen. So what are we going to do about it? Right? What are we going to do about it?
[00:26:06] All right. That's what I've got for you today. And I'm sure that you have more questions than answers. Maybe that's okay. You might need to re listen to this episode. Take some notes. It's all good. I am here for it. Reach out. If you're in a place where you feel like you want to go deeper with all of this, reach out to me.
[00:26:29] Do an explore call. We can talk about the classes and the workshops I have coming up, or if coaching is a good fit. I am here for you. It's a 15 minute free call. You can go to www.besproutable.com/explore to get on my schedule. I would love to connect with you. I'm seeing you. I'm seeing all of you parents doing the hard things and I believe in you.
[00:26:54] Have a great day.
[00:27:02] Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you. So much to my Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at Podshaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at besproutable.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview, and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.
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