Transcription
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hey, welcome to the Joyful Courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we try and keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work, people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact.
[00:00:27] My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead at Sproutable. I am also the mama to a 20 year old daughter and 17 year old son walking right beside you on this path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting.
[00:00:47] This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is an interview and I have no doubt. That what you hear will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials or text it to your friends.
[00:01:13] Together we can make an even bigger impact on families all around the globe. I'm so glad that you're here. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:25] Hey everybody. Welcome back. This week's interview guest is my friend, Vibha Arora. Vibha is a transformation coach and parenting coach that specializes in helping her clients and parents look under the surface to find solutions that are more than just a quick fix. She works with clients via Zoom video from wherever they are.
[00:01:46] As she is in the world, she has her master's degree in marriage and family therapy and is a certified parent, teacher, positive discipline facilitator, conscious parenting guide and certified subconscious transformation practitioner. She's been providing a. Safe judgment-free space for clients to process thoughts, feelings, beliefs, challenges, and celebrations on their growth journey for over a decade, VIBA lives in Southern California and her most valued teachings come from being Mom to her own grown and flown kid adults who are now 24 and 27 years old.
[00:02:22] Hi Viba, welcome to the podcast.
[00:02:25] Vibha Arora: Hi, thanks for having me.
[00:02:27] Casey O'Roarty: You're welcome. I'm so glad that you're here. And I really want to say welcome back because I've interviewed you before, but when I was going back kind of through my records, I realized I didn't interview you for the podcast. It was for one of the mini summits.
[00:02:40] So yeah, I'm really glad to see you and get to connect with you yet again. Our paths have crossed a few times in the last few years. So, listeners, I met Vibha at the Diversity in Parenting Conference, which was this fabulous event. In 2019, we were both volunteers, and I remember it as us totally hitting it off easy, right away, as if we'd known each other forever.
[00:03:07] Did you have that experience?
[00:03:09] Vibha Arora: 100%. And I think we had started communicating on social media. So it was just, that was when we finally met in person, but we always kind of like had a feel for one another and being in the same like arena or whatever. And it was just magic that we both got put at that same desk at that same time.
[00:03:25] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Yeah. It was like, Oh, it's you. Yeah. It's you. Yeah. So we connected, stayed connected. I got to go on one of your retreats to Costa Rica in 2021, which was so special and so magical. And for me, that particular trip followed a very intense couple of years with Rowan and Ben's health and COVID. I mean, we were not even really out of COVID.
[00:03:55] It was like, we were skirting the edge there. Thank you Costa Rica for having us. Yes. And then, yeah, and then I've just been watching you through, you know, the gift of social media really creating. This life of work and travel and it's just been so inspiring to see you out in the world.
[00:04:18] Vibha Arora: Thank you. Yeah.
[00:04:20] It's been a lot of fun. You know, obviously COVID brought a lot of horrible things, but one of the things that it gave me was permission to close my in person office, which I loved and it took me a long time to finally just go, okay, and then be able to move to zoom for all my clients and sessions and everything.
[00:04:38] So I literally can. work from wherever and it's worked out perfectly. I
[00:04:42] Casey O'Roarty: love it. I love that. I love that. Where are some of your favorite places that you've been in the last few years?
[00:04:47] Vibha Arora: Oh gosh, there's been so many and I'm so glad to be able to say that. Um, Paris, France, um, in general has a very special place in my heart.
[00:04:57] Um, Italy, Australia was amazing. You know, it's just, it's such the luxury to be able to just, Take your laptop and arrange your sleep schedule a little bit differently and make it all, you know, make it all work. I mean, I've seen so much of the world and there's so much more still. Um, I have a goal. I'm trying to get 55 countries by the age of 55.
[00:05:18] So, I'm on track.
[00:05:20] Casey O'Roarty: Alright, that's amazing. And so inspiring and so exciting. So, I reached out to you because I thought you'd be the perfect person to talk about empty nest stuff with. Your kids are a few years older than mine. How old are yours? What are they? Mine are 27 and 24 now. Oh my gosh, 27 and 24. So Rowan, We'll be 22 on Sunday, we're recording on a Friday, so on the 19th, she'll be 22, and Ian's 19.
[00:05:50] So I'm fresh in the empty nest. You've been here for a little bit. And I just feel like there's this opportunity. We talk about how we're launching our kids, but I feel like, and you're such the example of this, we also, if we so choose, get to launch ourselves. 100%. Yes. And so I just thought that we could talk a little bit about, you know, some of the challenges that come up for parents as their kids leave this whole transition into this new time of life.
[00:06:19] And here's some wisdom and support for parents who maybe are about to or seeing it coming in the next couple of years. But first, can you talk a little bit about your, what was it like for you as your two moved out and on?
[00:06:33] Vibha Arora: So I'm happy to talk about that. And before I do, I think you know this about me.
[00:06:39] Words are so powerful. And they really shape our mindset and our emotions and everything else going forth. And I think I am out to change the wording of emptiness because the empty gives you the feeling of emptiness. When it doesn't have to be, and I'm not saying that that's not a part of the experience, but I don't believe it's the whole experience.
[00:07:04] So since my daughter, who's now 27, um, she went to college at University of Pittsburgh. And so when she left home, you know, everybody's like, Oh, emptiness, emptiness. And I was like, no, that doesn't fit right for me. And so back then I changed it from emptiness. I refer to it as my freedom nest. Oh, I love that.
[00:07:22] Casey O'Roarty: I call myself a free bird. Yeah, exactly. We're on the same wavelength.
[00:07:26] Vibha Arora: Exactly, and it just gives such an expansiveness to the whole experience. Within that, you can have the ups and downs, the highs and lows and everything, but it's not empty. I do not consider my home and my space empty at all. But it's freedom.
[00:07:40] And so taking that lens, you know, when my daughter actually, when she went to college and I went to Pittsburgh to drop her off and I kept waiting, I'm like, okay, everybody said that I'm supposed to be super emotional and I'm going to break down and cry. I didn't. And then I went through the whole like, am I a bad mom?
[00:07:58] Because I'm not, Oh, it'll happen when I get home. And I came back home and I'm like, nothing, you know, in her room, still nothing. And I think it's because, you know, as parents were constantly preparing, like that's the goal for them to leave. This wasn't a surprise, at least for me. Like I knew that she was.
[00:08:16] Likely going to go out of state for college, um, so maybe in that sense, I was kind of ready if that's a thing I was ready for it. Um, and yet it was still hard, right? It's like when the tears finally happened. This is crazy. It was like three weeks later. I was in a grocery store and I don't know how I ended up walking down the aisle accidentally.
[00:08:35] It wasn't what I was looking for. Obviously of the baby food and the baby formula. And I lost my mind Go figure. Right. But you're gonna have moments. And I think what I would tell parents that are coming up into this age stage of life is allow, just allow for, you know, there will be highs and there will be lows and there is no judgment.
[00:08:56] It's all okay. No matter how you do it.
[00:08:58] Casey O'Roarty: I think that my emotion has shown up around how excited I am for this time of their life.
[00:09:06] Yes.
[00:09:06] Casey O'Roarty: You know, especially with my son, who's at my alma mater. He's at the school where I went to college. And so being there with him is emotional because I'm so nostalgic and I know what kind of fun I got into in that space, which is a little, yeah, a little nerve wracking, actually.
[00:09:26] And it's interesting too, because. Yeah, so Ian's way down in Arizona, Rowan's just 20 minutes in town, and I'm partnered, and it's so fascinating for me and my experience because it's really hard for Ben.
[00:09:42] Vibha Arora: Okay. Like, I think
[00:09:43] Casey O'Roarty: he would say that he feels the empty nest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He misses his buddy and you know, we'll get into this too because it's also this time where if you're, you know, you're, if you're in a couple and there's been all this focus centered on these two or one, these people or person, and then that's gone in.
[00:10:06] And I know for us, it's been a lot of work around. Remembering how to be too, right? And, and it feels
[00:10:15] Vibha Arora: different. It feels really different. Yeah, it's so interesting because my son also just graduated from my college. So it's like that similarities. I mean, we're always tracking. It's different though, as you see it through their eyes.
[00:10:28] Right. You were talking about earlier, like this kind of like launch for us. I think it's like as parents, it's a relaunch or like a rebranding is how I talk to my clients about it because it's an identity shift. At the end of the day, you've gone from mom, dad, which you will always be to also like women.
[00:10:46] Who's Casey. Right? Yeah. And rediscovering and being able at this age and stage of our lives to rebrand that. Like if this isn't something you like anymore, you can cut it. Like you get, it's such a fresh start. It reminds me of like, you know, a new school year where you're like, okay, who am I going to show up as this year?
[00:11:05] And that's the identity shift that's happening. And some people that's exciting for, and some people that's a little scary for. Right.
[00:11:13] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. And let's talk about that when it is a feeling of loss. And, you know, and I, I have clients too, who say like, I don't want the identity shift. Like I, I loved being mom.
[00:11:26] I loved showing up every day and picking them up and being a part of their life and seeing them every day. Even as I'm like, yeah, remember six months ago when they were literally driving you crazy. That's all forgotten. It's all forgotten. Yeah. But how do you, you know, for those clients of yours who are really struggling in that identity shift, what are some of the ways that you support them in considering the potential and the expansion that is actually right there for them?
[00:11:52] Vibha Arora: So one thing I've noticed, and I don't know if you've seen this with your clients as well, but oftentimes when I see a parent who is super, super involved with their kid and doing everything for them and you know, all the not positive discipline stuff, it's, um, It's a way of putting their focus somewhere other than themselves.
[00:12:10] It's, it's actually, it looks on the outside very sweet and very caring and, you know, mom of the year, but also potentially could be covering up some stuff that they don't want to deal with. And this is a great distraction, you know, and the more kids, the more distractions. And when that noise is all gone and you're left with yourself or yourself and your partner, it gets quiet.
[00:12:33] And now you've got to do some introspection. And that's. Um, I don't want to say scary, intimidating for a lot of people, right? So what I tell my clients is because it is such an identity shift and because you're so used to caretaking, essentially that was your role of this amazing caretaker. Keep doing that, but shift who you're taking care of.
[00:12:57] And instead of taking care of them, give yourself. Some of that amazing caretaking that you've given them for 18 plus years.
[00:13:15] Casey O'Roarty: I love that because it's so compassionate because it is a role that many of us have enjoyed. And I also really appreciate. The invitation to consider that how we've distracted ourselves. I mean, I feel like man, adolescence is such a roller coaster of like it's time for personal growth and development.
[00:13:36] If you haven't already, you know, charged through it. But you know, I guess there are families out there that. Have it pretty easy peasy with their kiddos and maybe they made it through adolescence without that
[00:13:48] Vibha Arora: need of personal, well then it's coming for them. In young adulthood, you don't, nobody gets away from it.
[00:13:52] Right? Well, yeah,
[00:13:53] Casey O'Roarty: that's what I mean, right? Like we, it's just another, like I think about the onion, you know? Yes. Not having the kids right here is just another opportunity for things to peel back and say, okay, how can I tend to myself, how can I shift this caregiving towards me, towards my relationship with my partner?
[00:14:11] I really. I appreciate that. And there can be a loneliness, right? With that lack of daily
[00:14:20] Vibha Arora: interaction. And so. You're allowed to be lonely. And that's the other thing I think that culture is telling us, you know, that any of those emotions that feel like sadness, um, loneliness, fear, any of those, let's just brush over those as quick as possible.
[00:14:34] Where's the distraction? Can I go shopping on Amazon? Can I go, you know, what can I do to not feel it? And of course, I would say as a conscious parent, also sit in it, like be lonely, allow for the loneliness. And again, because you're shifting identities. One of the things that I have my clients do is a quick journaling activity.
[00:14:53] It seems simple, but it's really not. And you just get out a piece of paper and you give yourself like five minutes, not, it doesn't need to be crazy amounts of time, five minutes on the clock. And you allow what comes up to come up. But the prompt is I am, and you just keep writing. I am, I am within that.
[00:15:10] You're going to distill who you are because we forget. We've been busy. We've been distracted. We've been doing such a fabulous job parenting. Let's get back to who we are.
[00:15:20] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. It's such a, I mean, and I, I realize as I'm talking to you, I feel like we both are really, really have embraced like the after.
[00:15:30] And so I'm, I'm aware of my own bias. Like it's so great over here. Not for everyone. Right. Yeah. And, and not for everyone. And I'm just thinking about people who are listening and. Wanting to say, like, there is loss here. There is grief. I mean, you know, Ben will say, remember when they were little? I'm like, yeah, I do.
[00:15:53] Do you remember? Because it was really hard. What are you remembering? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I mean, and you know, social media, Facebook, I think I saw a post on your page recently where you were like, Oh, thank you, Facebook, for showing me that time is going by. I mean, it's such a Yeah. A funny thing that we have this automated like, look at 10 years ago, this is what was happening.
[00:16:17] And I think, you know, there's this both and of it's okay to be nostalgic. It's okay to think back and that's, you know, our kids are moving on just like we moved on. That's right. So there's also this piece and something that I, especially my people are pretty fresh out of having kids in the house. So they're also in this space of letting go of control and really trusting.
[00:16:46] It's so funny too, Ian flew back to Tucson on Monday and he texted me from, well first of all. I was in a yoga class, so I didn't respond right away. He was like, Mom, Mom, Mom. And he said, I, they lost my bags. The airlines. And I said, Oh, good news. They never lose the bags. They always know where the bags are.
[00:17:06] Like they have a very intricate system of keeping track of bags and, you know, find the person. And, and it was so interesting how part of me was like, Oh, maybe I should call. And I didn't. And I said, find the person. Here's what you say. Here's what you do. And you know, he did his thing next day. He's like, I can't, you know, there was some other issue, but I said, you'll be fine.
[00:17:28] Here's a phone number, try it out. And then he's, by the time he got that text, he said, oh, I handled it. My bag's on my, on its way to my dorm. And just remembering like, oh yeah, now he's got this experience that he navigated in his back pocket. For the next time his bags get lost, which will probably happen.
[00:17:47] Vibha Arora: That's right. That's right. Right. It's such a beautiful gift to give him to be able to experience it with support. You're not dropping him in the deep end, figure it out. You're there, but you're not doing it for him, you know, and it's so tempting and it's so funny. Like we're so parallel. My son right before this texted and was like, there's a giant crack through my windshield.
[00:18:09] I don't know how it got there. Kind of like. Okay. Yeah.
[00:18:12] Casey O'Roarty: I love that. I love the informative messages. And so
[00:18:16] Vibha Arora: thank you for the information, right? And it's the same thing. Like, I'm not, I could have just called insurance and be like, and when we do that, it brings us back those feelings of when we were taking care of them.
[00:18:27] And I understand that that's such an urge. We want to feel like we still matter in their lives. We still look, he, he texted me. That means he needs my help. I should jump in and that'll make me mom of the year. And it robs them of the opportunity of the growth of the experience. So I think it's really important for parents, you know, just as through all the ages of like, hold back what I know you can do and see what they can do.
[00:18:54] Casey O'Roarty: Right. Yeah. And I've never really thought about it as there's, there is, there's that hit of. Oh, he reached out to me like I can help him. He needs me. Yeah, that's right. And that's real. And, and, and, uh, we're, we're working on baking these. Adults, right, . Yeah. Yeah. We gotta give, give them space to practice.
[00:19:15] That's right. That's right. Yeah. And even sometimes space to not practice. Mm-hmm . And not swoop in and rescue. Mm-hmm . I think that's really hard.
[00:19:24] Vibha Arora: It is. And it's especially hard for moms, dads who have done so much for these kids that it's so natural to jump in. Like this is the opportunity to actually.
[00:19:35] Hold yourself within your own boundaries of like, you know, your kid knows how to call insurance. You know, your kid knows how to deal with the airlines, like, trust that they know so much more than we think that they know now. I am a grown woman and I sometimes will call my mom with the informative, gosh, I really wish I had a sandwich, you know, like, you know, and my mom would actually make the sandwich.
[00:19:57] But the point is this, we all want to be taken care of and we all want to feel needed. So it's a double thing. And it's not that I don't. I love being needed, but I also am like, to your point, if you're in a yoga class, you're in a yoga class, and my kids always joke, and there's like a meme that goes around, too, about like, what could my mother possibly be doing that she can't answer my phone call?
[00:20:17] Meanwhile, we can call them 20 times and not hear from them for three days. Yeah, right.
[00:20:22] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, and Ben and I were actually both at yoga together. So after the class, Ian had texted me, he texted the group chat, he was like, where are you guys, you know? And I was like, well, we're living our life. He, you know, and well, it's interesting.
[00:20:38] There's a couple things. One is I, so I'm on a Facebook group for the parents, which I don't know why I'm in there, but it's kind of actually fascinating. It's kind of like watching a train wreck. It is very interesting. And I can't even imagine what it must have been like for our parents when we went away to college.
[00:20:56] And it was just like. Bye, you know, talk to you the next time I'm willing to pick up the phone, you know, and see you maybe, you know, it's just, it's just crazy how much information we have. Ian sprained his ankle a few weeks into the semester, last semester. You know, just talking about, you know, how I did make, you know, I have a friend in Tucson, so she checked in with him.
[00:21:22] He worked it out. He did not go to the health center. He did not do the things that I suggested he did, but I got to lean on. He's sprained his ankle a few times. He knows the exercises that help him and he doesn't want to be in pain. So I don't necessarily need to be on his back because the life is handing him opportunity right now to take care of himself and the natural consequences either.
[00:21:52] Do it or you're in pain. It doesn't mean I didn't bring it up. Like, hey, how's it going? How's your ankle? But I didn't make the appointment for it. I couldn't make the appointment for him. He is in college.
[00:22:02] Vibha Arora: That's right We are curious But we no longer need to like fool ourselves with this false sense of control which by the way you and I know we never Had it anyway, but it's not ours to manage anymore.
[00:22:14] It's it's more of the like bounce ideas off of me, and then we as parents have to be okay with them not taking our suggestions.
[00:22:22] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:23] Vibha Arora: That's okay.
[00:22:24] Casey O'Roarty: Our brilliant and wise suggestions.
[00:22:27] Vibha Arora: Always. What the hell. And correct. We're always right.
[00:22:42] Casey O'Roarty: Well, and then there's the other piece around it's staying connected, right? So communication and how do we, you know, the experience of giving them space while also checking in, you know, I have one client, she was. proactive. And before the semester started, she said, okay, Sundays, mostly because she's got younger kids at home and she wanted the youngest brother to stay in touch with this, you know, oldest brother who's going off to college.
[00:23:10] So they had this plan around FaceTimes on Sundays and that, and she's like, God, I didn't realize that having a plan like that would be so useful. And it really supports her during the week when she's not hearing from him. Right, right. To know that they have this. Call coming up and then I have other clients who don't hear a lot, but then get that phone call and that Spontaneous share out of nowhere.
[00:23:37] Yeah
[00:23:37] Casey O'Roarty: How was it for you when your kids laughed as far as communication goes?
[00:23:42] Vibha Arora: I think there's no right or wrong answer. What I do notice, again, a lot with clients is that, and this happens with all relationships, when there's an unspoken expectation, That's where we get into trouble, right? Whether it be from the kidult, you know, because they're grown, they're not kiddos, they're kidults.
[00:24:00] Whether it be from the kidult or from the parent and the expectation has never been spoken, and mom's going, you know, he never calls me. And it's not that he never calls, but he doesn't call you every single day and you were expecting a morning, noon, and night phone call. Right. Yeah. So I think the most important part, like you were mentioning is to have a plan where both parties, both parents, both mom, whatever the situation is and the kid are agreeing to what is reasonable for now.
[00:24:26] And let's come back and visit, you know, maybe that changes. Maybe they join, I don't know, a sorority and they have Sunday volunteering. And so Sundays isn't practical anymore. Like let's keep that fluid and open to change, but let's be in communication with what our communication will be. Yeah. Oh my
[00:24:41] Casey O'Roarty: gosh.
[00:24:42] Isn't that the truth for all of our relationships? Yeah. It's amazing how resentful we get over things that we have not actually communicated that we want. That's
[00:24:49] Vibha Arora: right. That's right. Or assuming that just because I want to talk to my daughter every day that she wants to talk to me every day. So when she went off to college and it's even to this day, honestly, like say good morning.
[00:25:01] I'm not that big about good mornings, but let's say good night, just in a text. It's just the smallest thing for me makes the biggest difference. And it matters to them too, because we had such a routine when they were growing up and bedtime was such a like special time that it doesn't matter how old they are, where they are.
[00:25:17] Like we say good night, we say it in the group chat and it's cheesy and it's great. And I love it.
[00:25:22] Casey O'Roarty: It's so funny, I recently, or a couple months ago, Rowan was like, Mom, you don't even care about us anymore. Because I'm traveling, I'm doing some fun stuff. I told her, I'm like, hey, guess what I'm doing? I'm doing what I used to love to do before I had kids, and it is more fun in my 50s than it even was in my 20s.
[00:25:40] And that's when she was like, You don't even care about us anymore, like, and I just laughed and I was like, oh babe, you know I'm just living my life and and there was a time, you know, kind of probably about six months into her not living at home where she Came to me and she said you are texting me too much.
[00:25:59] Okay And I said, Oh, all right. Okay. I'll pull back. I'll pull back. And I think she even mentioned it on one of my podcast interviews with her, which is hilarious. And so that's the other piece too, is we don't know what is useful or what is okay with each other unless we talk about it.
[00:26:18] Vibha Arora: That's right. Like I have a client who was trying to give her son space and in space that meant that she didn't reach out and he started resenting like the same like you were waiting for me to leave.
[00:26:28] You don't even reach out anymore. She's like, wait, wait, wait. I was told I was supposed to give you space. I was giving you space. He's like, I don't want that much space. Right? Yeah. So just solve all of that. Don't make it a mystery. Have that conversation and return to it often because it changes, right?
[00:26:43] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I love our, I call them baby adults. I like kidults too, but I call them baby adults. They are, they're just baby adults. We're all just baby adults, aren't we? I mean, of course. Yes. Yes, Rowan had the audacity though to tell me that I need to quit claiming midlifer. I was like, excuse me. Oh.
[00:27:03] She's like, you're not going to be, live to be a hundred, mom.
[00:27:06] Vibha Arora: Thanks.
[00:27:06] Casey O'Roarty: I was like, how dare you? What are you suggesting right now? I thought that was pretty funny. Yeah. But the other thing that's happening for all of us who are watching our kids, hopefully watching our kids launch into the next exciting phase of their life is.
[00:27:21] is that, is that we're in this midlife space that also includes our parents aging and,
[00:27:29] you
[00:27:30] Casey O'Roarty: know, crazy things happening in our peer group and our cohort. And, you know, it's no joke. Yeah. And menopause. Oh gosh. I mean, we don't have to do it all together, but taking care of ourselves is so crucial. Right. And self care can easily become What I'm finding is self care is just getting woven into the fabric of my life at this point, which is great There's no more like I don't have time.
[00:27:59] Yeah, cuz I do I do Can you talk a little bit about the importance of tending to ourselves?
[00:28:06] Vibha Arora: I just think it's You know, going back to that identity shifting, how are you going to know who you are if you're not spending any time with you? You are always going to be with you and we have these like romantic relationships and we have these caretaking relationships and if you spin it all together, it's meant for us.
[00:28:24] We know how to do it very well, clearly. Because we do it with all of our people. And I think that there's still so much resistance. I don't want to call it guilt because I don't think it's guilt. It's resistance to putting ourselves first, right? We will find anything under the sun to go before us. And I also think there's a real misunderstanding or confusion around what self care is, right?
[00:28:48] I think a lot of people from people that I've talked to think it's like. Foo, foo, fluffy manicures, massages. It can be. I love that. I do. I got a massage yesterday. It was fabulous. And it's also reading a book by yourself, you know, sitting in the backyard. That's self care, right? It's also binge watching a TV show that nobody else in the house likes except for you.
[00:29:11] And you do that for you. Like it's, it comes in so many shapes and forms and sizes. And if you don't know who you are, then you don't know which one you need at that time. Right?
[00:29:21] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah.
[00:29:21] Vibha Arora: Just like we were able to assess when our kids came home with a booboo on their knee. Okay, does this need a doctor's visit or some Bactine or some Neosporin or a Band Aid or just a kiss?
[00:29:32] We can do that for ourselves too. If we understand what it is that we need, right? What is going to be most soothing and replenishing for us?
[00:29:41] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah, because I think there is something, and again, like you mentioned, how we've perhaps been distracting ourselves. I wonder how that plays into even taking care of ourselves, right?
[00:29:53] Because I know for me. I call it soul care. In the mornings is meditation and is journaling and is deep introspection. And that means opening myself up to what is currently alive for me and being willing. to take a look at it,
[00:30:11] and
[00:30:11] Casey O'Roarty: to be with it, and I think, like you said, assessing the situation, you know, we can only know, do I need to reach out for help, or do I need to take a walk in nature?
[00:30:23] Right? What do I need? And we can't answer that question without taking time to really be with ourselves, and I just think. We come in alone, we go out alone, like might as well, you know, get to know. I love
[00:30:38] Vibha Arora: it.
[00:30:38] Casey O'Roarty: I love getting to know who I am.
[00:30:40] Vibha Arora: Exactly. And through knowing, you know, I'm not saying that you have to do this all by yourself, but how can you ask someone, your partner, your child, your friend, whoever, how can you ask somebody?
[00:30:52] for support when you don't know what you need. You know that, like that people have said, well, how can I help you? What do you, I don't know. Well, what if you actually did know? And that was something that I learned when I first became a single mom, I had never thought that I would be this kind of person that would actually take the help being as independent as I was.
[00:31:10] But I learned very quickly when somebody says, how can I help? I will tell them you could unload the dishwasher. You could bring us food. You could take the little one out to the park. You have it ready. So that when the. offer is there, you can actually receive it. And that is self care. And I love
[00:31:25] Casey O'Roarty: the flip side of that, which is a invitation for all of us that have friends who are moving through this period of time who don't know what they need to actually just be a little bit more directive and say, Hey, I'm on my way to your house.
[00:31:42] Let's go take a walk. Or I got us seats at this sip and paint class. It might be kind of hokey. Let's go together, right? Because sometimes I know from when Ben was sick and I had a lot of people saying, what do you need? What do you need? And I, I didn't know what I needed. And I was so grateful for people who just were very forward in there.
[00:32:04] Hey, I'm coming over and I'm bringing this and I'm not going to stay. I'm going to drop it at the door, which was good because it was COVID. But like, I just, so it was such a relief to not have to have the answer to that question. Yes. So, on both sides, right? On both sides. And I, you know, one of the things that I'm trying to do more of, self care wise, is having a creative outlet, and I love macramé.
[00:32:27] Okay! Macramé! Yeah! So, I make macramé. I do wall hangings. Very, the very 1970s. That's awesome. It's back in style, by the way. Oh, I know. Um, and it's so interesting because not only is it self care, but then there's that, like, it's also, oh, it's a new hobby. It's a new interest. It's a new way for me to spend the time that's opened up because I don't have, you know, a kid.
[00:32:57] at home anymore. I have my husband.
[00:33:03] But he's also busy, you know, I mean, it's just. There's so much out there and it's funny because I'm thinking about like parents of kids that they're like I can't get my kid to try anything new Like don't be your don't be your 14 year old now that you have time and space. Exactly. Try be brave Be the person that you wanted to model for your kiddos who were struggling and having a hard time and get out there and try new things and meet new people and and See what is waiting for you because it's it's pretty awesome
[00:33:35] Vibha Arora: That's so, that's such a great tip too.
[00:33:37] Yeah. Get out of it, right? Like just do something that you would have never done before. Sign up for a class, do a one, you know, one time thing. Who knows? I think that's getting out of your comfort zone. You're already uncomfortable. Might as well see what's out there since you're out of the zone anyway.
[00:33:53] Yeah,
[00:33:53] Casey O'Roarty: for sure. For sure. Yeah. Well, what's one piece of advice that you'd offer to parents who are listening, who are, you know, looking ahead at the freedom nest and are feeling, and are already starting to feel emotional about it?
[00:34:09] Vibha Arora: Yeah. Allow. Allow for the emotions. We're not trying to stuff those. We're not trying to distract them.
[00:34:16] Allow for them. That's healthy. And also, right, the both and. Start looking for what you want to fill your time with because that's the biggest thing the emotions are gonna happen but you have all of a sudden, you know used to be baseball mom or soccer mom and all Saturday and Sunday was taken and Now it's open what?
[00:34:34] interests you? What do you want to fill that with? Or do you want to fill with nothing? You want to just sit at home for the weekend, start thinking in terms of time and experiences. Emotions are going to happen regardless.
[00:34:46] Casey O'Roarty: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I said to Ben recently, I said, aren't we so lucky to have kids that we miss so much when they aren't here?
[00:34:53] That's right. Because there is an alternative to that. Yeah, that's right. That's true. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you for having this conversation with me today. Thank you for having me. This was fun. Yeah. My final question that I ask all my guests is, what does joyful courage mean to you, especially in the context of our launch?
[00:35:19] Vibha Arora: I think courage piece of it. To me, that means It's doing uncomfortable sometimes things, hard things, sometimes saying things and doing things that are ultimately in our alignment of who we really are as people, right? Therefore our highest good, and it takes courage sometimes to cultivate that or to align that.
[00:35:41] And then the joyful part, I mean, that's just, I think joy is such an essential part of our being and maintaining that as our. True North, right? Just yeah, finding the joy, following the joy into weaving the joy into all of it because it's always there Just kind of looking for it and letting it find you too.
[00:36:02] Casey O'Roarty: So as you were talking about the courage piece I was remembering when I traveled to Costa Rica to the retreat because I after college In the 90s, I traveled to Costa Rica and lived for eight months on the beach. That's right. Yeah And I remember 2021, traveling and feeling like so insecure, right? And, and, and, and, and really needing to lean into courage on that trip just to get, you know, I'm traveling to a foreign country.
[00:36:36] Like I felt so it was, and I was, and I was aware of it. And I saw some young people that were also like, I remember being at the airport and there was this adorable, like. Probably my same age when I went in the 90s, and she had her backpack, and she was just like, I don't know how I'm going to get to the beach, but I'm getting to the beach, and I just remember being like, Oh my God, what's happened to me?
[00:36:57] Yeah. Yeah. So I really appreciate that invitation for courage being with what's uncomfortable because it is, you know, we are in a transition and transitions are uncomfortable and discomfort and excitement can feel the same in our bodies. So thank you for that. And always loving the compass being pointed towards joy.
[00:37:18] Where can people find you and follow your work, Vibha?
[00:37:21] Vibha Arora: Well, um, on social media, the easy, I mean, my name is a mouthful. So I think the easiest way to find me is with hashtag I parent plus. That's the easiest way. And I did just recently launched my own podcast. So it's still like very, very baby steps, but you can find that wherever you find podcasts and it's called Kaleidoscope Shifting Perspectives with a Twist.
[00:37:46] Casey O'Roarty: Beautiful. We'll make sure that links to all those places are in the show notes. Thank you so much. So good to talk to you. You too. Thank you.
[00:38:02] Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you. So much to my Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at Podshaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at besproutable.com
[00:38:27] com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview, and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.
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