Eps 520: Disrespect and relationship with our teenagers

Joyful courage today, to me, means leaning into ease and trusting that I can generate how I want to feel NOW, and the external environment will shift to meet me there.

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 00:04
Music, hello, welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens, this is real work, people and when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey or Rorty. I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder, coach and the adolescent lead at sproutable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son. I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you, and I work really hard to keep it really, real, transparent and authentic, so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show, and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget, sharing truly is caring if you love today's show, please, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials, or text it to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome, welcome, welcome, enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:33
Hey, hey everybody. Welcome back to another solo show. I'm so glad that you are here. So glad that you tune in you like these. I get a lot of feedback about the solo shows, and I am glad because, like in this moment, I'm sitting in the corner of my office. I've got my laptop open in front of me. I'm sitting I've got windows on either side. I'm looking out at Lake, Whatcom and the pills beyond there's a lot of trees, but I'm alone. I'm alone in the house right now, other than my sweet Australian Shepherd Daisy over there on the floor, and I'm talking into a microphone. But even though I'm physically alone, I am thinking about you, and I am thinking about you doing the things that you do while you listen to podcasts. I'm thinking about this experience really as a conversation, and even though it's a lot of me talking to you, sometimes what happens is you talk to me too, and I get feedback. And I love it when I get feedback. I've gotten some great feedback in the last few weeks. I love and you've heard me say this, okay, I love to hear about how what I explore resonates with you, and often, like I've said, you're like, oh my god, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I know it's what you needed to hear because I am in the community. I am listening to what you have to say. I'm reading your posts, and when I think about sitting down and creating a solo show for you, I think to myself, what would be useful right now for people? What am I seeing bubbling to the surface needing to be addressed? So yes, you're welcome, and I'm so glad that it lands for you. I got the sweetest message on Facebook from a mom who had posted in the community, and I sent her some podcasts to listen to, and then she listened to last week's solo show, and she wrote a bunch, but one of the things that really like, oh, it was so sweet to hear she said I was able to listen to your October 10 episode today, and was blown away that I would have this opportunity to be so touched and counseled in an intimate way. I mean, I love that this means everything to me, knowing that you listen and you feel moved and you feel seen and you feel supported, is everything. Knowing that what I'm creating for you is making an impact keeps me going. Peeps responding to my Friday emails. Are you on my email list? Because all you got to do is get on the sproutable website. Besproutable.com/teens. Scroll. To the bottom and you can sign up. I send newsletters out every Friday, and I love that when you leave reviews on the Apple podcast or Spotify, when you share the show and tag me in social media, or comment when I post about a show. This all is huge for the growth of the podcast and reaching more parents, but even more, it's great feedback for me. I want to know that you care about and resonate with what I'm sharing. And you know, speaking of my Friday emails this past week was a good one, and I want to share some of what I shared, and this was coming off of the heels of. You know, I do a six week class, and we just had Week Three last week. So as of this podcast being published, we will have been through Week Four. But week three, we talk about beliefs behind behavior. And so that was definitely on my mind. And I had been working with a lot of clients where this one particular challenge kept coming up. So this is what I wrote in the email, and I just want to share it with you, because I think it's useful. You know, some of our kids are tough. They've lived through their experiences, interpreting those experiences as they go, and forming beliefs that are driving their behavior. And sometimes the meaning our kids make is that they don't fit, or they don't belong, or they feel like outsiders in the family, and it doesn't matter if it's true, if it's what they believe, it's true for them. And this hurts. This is painful. No matter the brave face or dismissive attitude your teens might be bringing into the household, all of our teens are longing to feel a sense of belonging to the family, and instead of holding the pain that exists when they don't feel like they belong, they pass it around. They have to get rid of it. And it can look like backtalk aggression towards siblings, pushing away a destruction of property. It can feel like to parents, a punch to the gut. It can feel like disappointment, disbelief, defeat. Parents and one of my clients in particular want to go well, not one many, want to go straight at this behavior and get it to stop. And it's understandable. It creates a lot of pain for the whole family when one of our kiddos is acting out in this way, and when parents try and have conversations with these kids about this behavior, often they get shut down, blamed or attacked. But there is a side door. There's a side door, and it can feel counterintuitive. It might even feel permissive or indulgent, but it gets the heart of the problem the side door to navigating this type of challenge is to spend time one on one with this kiddo, to help them see and feel through action over words that they matter deeply to you, so much so that you're spending time with them and not bringing up what's hard. Instead, you're getting to know the kid you have, enjoying them and showing your love. Side note, I talk a little bit about this with Brenda on Monday's podcast about, you know, our kids that are experimenting and using drugs. So FYI, you should listen as relationship is rebuilt, you might look for openings to share what you notice. I notice you don't seem to want to spend much time with the family. Tell me about that validate the feelings that they are willing to share. It must be really painful to feel like you don't belong or like we just don't get it. And nurture the idea that you're a safe space. You can always talk to me about what's going on for you, and I promise I will continue to do my best to leave you feeling listened to and seen in positive discipline. We say that this child is in the mistaken goal of revenge. The belief behind their behavior is I don't belong, so I'll hurt others as I feel hurt you.

Casey O'Roarty 08:23
We get to use the side door of nurturing relationship to support them in coming back to a healthy sense of belonging. Huge shout out to my clients who are willing to lean into this and are seeing the impact it's having on the dynamics in their home. So yeah, that was my email on Friday, and I got a lot of response in my inbox from people who really just appreciated it and said that it came at the perfect time. Listen, the mistaken goal of revenge is real, and so many families are living with this dynamic under their roof, and it's not about blame. It's not your fault that your kid is feeling this pain. It may not and probably isn't all about you, but it is manifesting in the home environment, and that is an issue for everyone. The relationship conversation is a both and conversation mutual respect is respecting the person in front of you while also respecting yourself and this situation, and it feels like parents can often hear the connection, relationship, respect for other piece, and feel powerless when it comes to how to take personal responsibility and respect themselves in the situation. It showed up in a post from Facebook recently. I read it, and I knew it was something I wanted to address here on the podcast. So again, this is a post from joyful courage for parents of teens. If you're not in there, get in there, and the parent writes and shares that she's struggling with her 13 year old, that the 13 year old is a relatively good kid with a crappy attitude most of the time they. Went on a little mini vacation to the beach for fall break. This was a place where many of her friends, her daughter's friends, were vacationing. It's a great spot, a place where the 13 year old can have a lot of autonomy and run around. And you know, the mom continues to write that the trip started off with the daughter giving her the silent treatment during the seven hour drive to the beach, and she goes on to say, you know, I've barely seen her this trip. Mom says, I ask that she check in periodically. Via text. She isn't holding up her end of the agreement. When I text her, it can go unanswered for hours. I've barely seen her. I understand her life is all about her friends, but she's 13, and I feel frustrated, and there's a lack of common courtesy, right? Relatable. Magically, though, she was able to call me to ask for money to buy another dress. This, unfortunately, is a pattern of hers where she wants nothing to do with her father and I until she wants something if we say no or not, now, she throws a fit, so I feel backed in a corner. Say yes and have connection, but reinforce the behavior or say no and have further disconnection and a teenage tantrum that can go on for days. I just addressed it with her, and she gave excuses and played dumb. So yeah, Mom resonated her expectations of her daughter, responding to her texts and being proactive and checking in with me. She also got invited over to the daughter's friend's parents' house for dinner, and the daughter says that mom can only go if I don't embarrass her. Basically, anytime I open my mouth, I embarrass her. Another ongoing saga that most recently occurred last month was the parents escorting their eighth graders onto the football field. She didn't want us to partake. Said some mean things, and mom says, Not only is this hurtful, but I move mountains for this kid, and this is what I get in return. And the daughter says, I'm just being honest, as if that takes away the sting. Now, mom says, I feel like this generation uses quote I'm just being honest to their advantage. I responded with, you can be honest, and I appreciate that you can have your feelings to just as I can have my feelings to your words, the honesty doesn't take away the sting. I told her I'd stay in and have dinner by myself, so as not to embarrass her, I texted the friend's mom and declined. So mom says I'm feeling defeated. I just want to yell I quit. She had some similar issues with her older child. She doesn't know if another five plus years that she can take it. She's frustrated, a little hurt and mad at myself for trying and always being disappointed. I'm never good enough for her. I know the end game is to be involved in my child, in my adult children's lives in 10 years, and see my grandkids. Except one, neither of my girls desire to have children. And two, I'm starting to wonder if I really want to be in their lives. If our relationship is this one sided. I'm at a loss and feeling defeated. Maybe I try too hard and put too much into this. I've worked my tail off at connecting. I drop everything from my kids, and the response is consistently what I describe above. This seems like more and more that she just wants to coexist with her parents and do what she wants without accountability or answering to anyone with the bonus of money and rides, huh, Mama. I mean, I read this and I you know, the struggle is real. I hear this from a lot of parents. I know that this parent is not alone, because I hear similar versions of different parts of this story all the time. I see it share it on social media. I hear it in my membership group, I hear it come up with clients, or even just in casual conversation with the people I know. And I just want to acknowledge this parent for reaching out for support. Because we don't always do this. We aren't always willing to say, you know, things are not great. Things are not great with my family or my children, and so it takes a lot of courage to reach out and share what's real, and we're all doing the best we can with the tools we have in the moment, we all hear how important it is to stay connected with our tweens and teens. I'm saying it all the time here on the podcast, I'm trying to influence you into recognizing that this is such a powerful place this relationship piece, and it's hard and confusing when it seems as though your kiddo just won't go there with you, right? It makes sense that this mama and others feel defeated, right? And you can hear the tension in the post when the mom writes about her daughter finally reaching out when she wants to buy a dress, the parent mentioned this is a pattern. She said, If we say no or not, now she throws a fit, so I feel backed in a corner, say yes and have connection, but reinforce the behavior or say no and have further disconnection and a teenage tantrum that can go on for days. So I think this is such a rich place to pause and reflect, right? This is very either or, either we have to say yes to maintain relationship, or we say no and we hurt the relationship, right? And here's the thing about connection. Right? Oftentimes, we and kids do this too. We often mistake connection for attention or for like, everything feeling copacetic and smooth and easy, and with kids that are disconnected, you know, there's this thing that we do, or we'll take whatever we can get right, when it's really hard to be in relationship with our kiddos and they throw something out, we want to grab it right? And actually, that defeats the purpose and leaves our energy more desperate and less appealing to others, right? Does that make sense? Again, I get it. You want to grab that chance to feel the relationship when it's presented. But this isn't it. Saying Yes to the Dress isn't building connection, right? Our kids need clear expectations. Our kids need clear expectations. And this was a big growth area for me, and something that I continue to learn again and again and again with my kids, with my husband, with the world, right? We get to be explicit about what we expect, right? And so the parent also wrote, I asked that she checked in periodically be a text. Well, that's super vague. How could we be more explicit, right? How could we be more explicit? So we could start with, I love that we're here at the beach, and I love that it's a space where you can totally cruise around your with your friends. This is so fun for you.

Casey O'Roarty 16:42
There's something here as well, when we're holding it in the context of the parent child experience where you know something that really gets in our way, something that is a constant unfolding and more and more layers. For me is like really recognizing my enmeshment, and I've already said this measurement or entanglement in my kids experience. I don't know if it's codependence. I don't know what it is, but it definitely exists for me, and I see it existing for most of the people that I work with. Well, all of them, really. And you know, I'm going to tell you a little story about how it showed up for me. So you all know, my son is away at college. That's still a new thing to say out loud, and it's pretty rad. He's been gone a couple months, almost a couple months, about six weeks. He twisted his ankle this weekend, and you know, as soon as I got the news, I was like, Gosh darn it. I didn't literally say this out loud, but the energy was, how could you do this to me? Now I have to worry about you from afar. I can't show up and take care of you and make sure you have everything you need. Like, Gosh, darn it. What are you doing? Kid, right? And I started off really like, oh, you know what? I know you're capable. Do you know how to get in touch with the health center? Who to ask for help. I offered up some resources, but I really stayed with I know you'll move through this. This is a drag. You're gonna be okay. And then as the time went by and I observed whatever I could observe from the amount of contact that I have with him, you know, I got a little micromanaging. I got a little controlling, got a little overkill in the text and the Snapchat. And I said, you know, oh, is this so hard for me to be far away and not be able to be there for you, physically and in person? And as soon as I sent that, I was like Casey, reign it in. He doesn't need to now manage your you know, worry. He just needs to deal with himself. So again, I jumped back in and said, oof, sorry, sorry. I made that about me. I trust that you're going to reach out to me when you want my opinion. And then I've let it go. I've let it go. He's twisted his ankle. He's doing the Advil Tylenol every four hours taking care of himself. He's icing. It probably not enough. He, you know, hasn't made an appointment at the health center. I don't know if he has or not. There is transportation service that will help him get to class. If he does the things, and I get to trust that he wants the help, so he's gonna follow through and do the things, or maybe he won't. And guess what? Either way, it's on him. Welcome to adulting kid. Welcome to taking care of yourself. Like this is what it looks like. This is what it looks like. And he's gonna create the experience that he creates. And I'm gonna bite my tongue and trust that however it unfolds for him will be a huge learning experience, right? I just really think there's something here, something really meaningful around that, letting go and obviously me letting go of this him in Arizona. To me in Washington, and him being, you know, almost 19 years old is different than, you know, a kid in the House who's maybe 14 and doesn't have the developed skills yet and does need more scaffolding. But I don't know. I mean, and even thinking about Rowan and where she is right now, and you know, the things that she's navigated lately, and she's really shown a lot of skill and growth and development. And, you know, I wish I could go back in time and to me four years ago and say, like, literally, four years ago from today, it was pretty gnarly over here. And I wish I could tell myself, like it's going to be okay. There's going to be some hard days and some hard weeks and months, she's going to find her way, and you're going to have a great relationship, right? I wish I could go back and tell myself that, but, you know, I can't, but what I can offer you is to think about your future self, and what do you want to know? What do you want to hear from your future self, and maybe even write yourself a letter. Imagine that it's four years from now, or five years from now, or 10 years from now, and you're writing yourself a letter. What are you hoping you'll be able to say everything's gonna be okay. You don't need details. Yeah, it doesn't need to be details. Obviously, there's something beautiful about being in a new terrain with my kids. But I just want to offer up hope to those of you that are really in the trenches, because there is a sense of peace and calm and clarity that exists in the context of parenting and my kids right now, even as you know, Ian, yes, he's in college, and there's so many things that can go down, you know, knock on wood, he's no angel, that's for sure, but I just really am in a place of trusting that everything's gonna be okay, and what if we invite that in? And that's really what I share here on the pod right, like inviting that peace and clarity in before you get to the new place. Like, how would you navigate right now if you knew that everything would be okay, everything would work out. And this reminds me, I think I've shared this before. This reminds me of that exercise of thinking about our 80th birthday, or even our 60th when we're surrounded by people that we love, including our grown kids, and they share about how we showed up to their toughest time, right? So Mama with the kiddo who posted in the Facebook group, if you're listening, think about that boy of yours at your 80th birthday talking about how you showed up for him right now. What do you want them to say? What do we want our kids to say about how we showed up? How do we want them to remember us during that time? And I know for me, what I want to hear. I want my kids to say, you know you were really there. You were present. You had faith in me. You let me figure things out for myself. You also helped me when I asked for it. I knew I could depend on you. You listened to me, you believed in me. You advocated for me when I couldn't advocate for myself, right? These are the things that I hope my kids reflect on me with, right? So what are the answers for you? How do you want your kids to look back on their teen years? How do you want them to have experienced you? Right and really think about that. Think about that, and then how can you bring that into right now, and how you are showing up for them? That's really the invitation for today's show. That's really the invitation for today's show, is to really think about, you know, how are you navigating the river of adolescence, right? Are you fighting it? Are you in resistance? Is it scary, or are you finding some flow? Are you finding a way to let go and be with it and sending the message of love and acceptance to your kiddos. Maybe take those questions to your journal or to your practice meditation or walking or whatever you do, to kind of tune into that inner knowing and ponder it, consider it, because I think. Are important questions to be asking, right? I think they're important questions to be asking. Our kids need us to show up as best we can so that they can work out their life, right, so that they can work out their life. And that's what I have for you today. I hope that you find that meander useful. I'd love to hear from you what your takeaways are. You can always email me at Casey at joyful courage.com if you feel like you'd like some extra support around being in the flow, being in the current of what's current, you can reach out to me Casey at joyful courage.com you can book an explore call at besproutable.com/explore, I am here for you, and we've got tons of resources for you. So show up. Let me know what you need, and let's move forward together. Have a beautiful, beautiful day, and

25:55
I'll see you next week. You music.

Casey O'Roarty 26:04
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my sproutable partners, Julieta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good, check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages, and sign up for our newsletter to stay better [email protected] tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview, and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day. You. Hands on.