Eps 4: All About Family Meetings With Julietta Skoog

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Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Joyful courage, parenting podcast, ask Casey episode four.

You Hey listeners, welcome back to the show. As you know, once a month I have a special episode that is only for people who are subscribed to the show through iTunes or Google Play. And I'm really excited for this month's opportunity. It's it's ask Casey episode four, and we're talking siblings. So parent wrote in to me, and here is the situation her kids. She says, my kids, particularly my eight and nine year old, feel like they have to compete with each other all the time, every time one does something or gets something different from the other, they tend to mention to the other, almost like a taunt. I think, on one hand, they want their siblings to be happy for them, like mom or dad would be. On the other hand, I think they want to show how much more special they are, even if it is innocent, the other kid will still take it as a put down, as if it's expected, and react with shock, become grudgingly upset and whining. It is so annoying and constant. It even goes so far as every question I ask has to be directed to one individual, because they will get upset over who answers first. They will even just smile in a nonverbal, taunting sort of way to get the other one upset. This happens any time of day, from when they first get up to evening. It happens at home, in the car, in the store. They don't usually do it if there are other kids their age or a little older around, I think because they get embarrassed, I've seen them snap out of it instantly. It seems to happen less at bedtime, maybe because of routine and parent led family time. When it happens, my physical response is to get tense in my face and jaw, my breath gets short, and I feel tension in my shoulders. Emotionally, I start to feel exasperated. Yes, this is all probably normal on some level, and we are working deliberately to include special and individual child led time with each kid. Bugs and wishes have helped, because they feel like others hear them and respect them more, just looking for the next step to take it to the next level. We don't want to foster competition in our family. We value working together and supporting each other. I want them to be able to be happy for their sibling without feeling less I feel like just writing this out is helping form some ideas to try, but I would love to hear yours as I'm sure mine. Are not the only kids who tend to do this. I was fiercely and painfully competitive with my sister growing up. Thanks for taking this on. Thank you, lovely parent in the community, for being willing to put it out there and to ask for help. So this is the problem that we're going to tackle today on Ask Casey, and I'm really looking forward to it. Who of you out there has this problem. Gosh, as I read it out loud, I was like, Oh yeah, I know how you feel, because this can show up with my kids too. So let's start to think about this little bit. The more children that we have, the more they feel like they need to really work to get to that place of belonging and significance, right? I mean, that makes perfect sense. If you're a single child in a family, then you've got a pretty good dose of connection. Well, typically, it's pretty easy to request that connection, right? With your parents. You got two kids in the family, it gets a little bit trickier. There's somebody else you know that's vying for time as well, and then from there, the more kids we have, you know, the more opportunity there is to have some misguided ideas about how we fit in the family. And I just want to remind all the listeners that I am a parent trainer, and the philosophy that I teach is positive discipline. And in positive discipline, it's based on the work of Alfred Adler, and he found that human behavior is based on the needs for belonging and significant significance, excuse me. So what that means is we're gonna we're gonna see the world out of our own individual eyes, right? We're gonna have our experiences and notice and pay attention to the people around us. We are going to interpret what we see, and then we're gonna create some beliefs a. About what we see means. And this is where things get kind of tricky, right? And Adler talked about private logic, and private logic is basically our own individual way of coming to the belief that we come to about a situation. And I'm sure that you've had that right where you and a friend might witness the exact same thing and have totally different meanings that you make of the situation. This happens all the time. Well, it's happening with our kids too and and when they decide something, whether it's my brother, matters more than me, or I don't fit, or, you know, I I don't belong, I don't matter. Whatever the meaning that the child is making about how they fit in the family, they're going to then base their decisions on that meaning making. Okay, so one of your examples was, let's see, so like they have to compete with each other all the time. Every time one does something or gets something different from the other, they tend to mention to the other, almost like a taunt. So I'm guessing here. So it might sound like, Hey, big brother needs a new pair of shoes because he blew out his shoes. So we go get big brother a pair of shoes. Get home, and big brother says to Little brother, I'm just guessing that they're brothers. They might be sisters or brother and sister. So older sibling says, Hey, look at my new shoes. And it may or may not be a taunt. And this is something that happens in my house too, like, look at what I got. It's so awesome. And the other child immediately goes into, what about me?

What about me? What do I get? I think that that's really common with kids, first of all, because they want stuff, don't we all, we all want stuff, you know, but I think that or an award from school. Imagine older sibling coming home and saying, Look, I got a Citizenship Award. If it's taunting, it might sound like I got a Citizenship Award, and little sibling might say, well, that's stupid, or I don't care, or whatever the response might be, because they are feeling slighted, they are making meaning. The internal dialog could be, well, you're better than me, or you think you're better than me, and I know how to take you down a notch, so I will right? So belonging and significance is at the root of all of this. If you think about it like a iceberg, I know that I've talked about the iceberg analogy on the show. So when you look at an iceberg, all you see is the tip, and then there's this whole big part, the majority of the iceberg is under the water, and it's what you can't see. So sibling conflict, what? What this parent is talking about, the behavior that they're seeing, the competition, and the behavior that shows up in competition. That's the tip of the iceberg underneath the surface is what's happening around belonging and significance, what's happening around feelings of connection in the family, around whether or not there's lots of choices and if there's shared power. And this participant mentioned that we're working on the special time, and that's awesome that you've played with language the bugs and the wishes. Do you all know what bugs and wishes are? I'm going to tell you so bugs and wishes are something that we teach teachers in positive discipline, and it's language for problem solving. So it sounds like it bugs me when you take my shoes without asking, and I wish you would ask first, right? My one of my children loves the shoes of the other child. And this is actually something that happens. And so rather than the other siblings saying, Oh, you took my shoes, or you're stupid, or whatever. We're giving them language to use. It bugs me when you take my shoes and I wish you would ask first. We're also training the other child to say, Oh, I didn't know what bothered you, or Oh, I'm sorry. I will ask first, next time, or just, I'm sorry, like some kind of response that's forwarding as well. And when we teach bugs and wishes, and responding to bugs and wishes is typically not when they need to be using them, right? So it could be during a family meeting and you say, Hey, I'm so excited. I've got this new thing, and I want to play with this language. This is how we're going to do it, bugs and wishes. Wishes, right? Because then when problems show up with your kids and they're not using that language, you can say, oh, that sounds like the perfect thing to use a bug and a wish with. It's also important that you, the parent, are modeling what it looks and sounds like to use bugs and wishes as well. So this participant mentioned that they've been using bugs and wishes. So yes, and you're right, this is really typical, and that doesn't mean it's any less annoying, right? So our kids don't come with skills, right? Childhood is a place to learn tools and to learn skills, and one of the most powerful relationships that our children have for practicing social and emotional skills is with their siblings. So yay, you have a ripe opportunity for your kids to be practicing their tools here. And remember, like I say, when there is something that shows up on a regular basis and it's revenue the wrong way, that is a indication that it's something you need to be talking about. And not just one conversation, but lots of conversations. So really, sitting down with those two kids, or even all the kids, and say, Man, I notice something. I notice that it's really hard when one brother or sister gets something and the other ones don't what have you noticed about that? Right? So opening that conversation, opening that conversation, and letting the kids talk about how it feels, how it feels when they see their brother or sister get something, whether it's a compliment, simply a compliment, or something, you know, a physical thing, asking them, What is your experience of that, and then sharing. You know, sometimes this is how I feel. I might you know, you can tell a story from your childhood or your adult relationships or work situations or looking at movies, whatever you want to use as an example. Find a lot and talk about how, wow, it is hard. It is hard when we see, you know, when other people get things and we don't. It's also really exciting when people that we love are recognized for the good things that they do. So having conversation, but keeping your side of the conversation short, right? You want the kids to do most of the talking, and then the question becomes, wow, how can we help ourselves so that when we notice that we're starting to feel a little envious, a little jealous, a little left out, or whatever the language is that they use, how can we help ourselves move through that in a way that isn't hurtful to the other person? And they're going to come up with ideas, and you're going to write them down, and, you know, pick two or three to try for a week. You know that I love to say that, right? Like, try it for a week, and then re gather and talk about if it was helpful or not, and if it wasn't helpful, say, Hmm, that didn't really seem to be helpful this week. I'm wondering what else we can do. And it, you know, the whole parenting thing with kids. I mean, they're having emotional experiences. They are having experiences just like us. They have less of a developed filter, if that makes sense. So things happen to us and they don't feel like a big deal, because we've learned over time how to differentiate between, you know, what's coming at us as being important or unimportant, things we can control, things we can't control. We have developed this, I don't know. I'm gonna call it a filter. We've developed a filter so that we can kind of navigate the world without being an emotional overload all the time. Children have not necessarily. Well, their filter is a lot less developed, and some kids, temperament wise, are just going to be more sensitive than others, right? So this is the opportunity to help them in developing that filter. And so in the moment when those hurtful things come up. Let's see when

you know, when you ask a question, and the kids you know, and there's that I was gonna ask, that I was gonna answer, right? Oh, just not even getting hung up on the I was gonna answer first. How could you do that? But just really big, wide eyes and a great big curious smile and maybe a hand on the shoulder, I would love to hear what you were gonna say, right? Not even you know, don't. You don't have to really address. Yes, every single time the kids are put out by each other, because they're siblings, right? And they're How old are they? They are eight and nine. So they are close in age, really close in age. So there's going to be some angst there. There's going to be some sibling conflict there, and that's okay, that's okay. But just focus on connection, focus on curiosity, you know, because I'm guessing as much as you don't like how it feels when they act like this, I'm guessing that they don't like it too. And remember what you said was, I was fiercely and painfully competitive with my sister growing up. So also recognizing your own internal experience is tied up with your experience as a child. Okay, so think about the skills that you wish you had as the sister you know, being in competition with your sister. What do you wish you knew how to do? How do you wish you would have handled it differently and then provide opportunities to draw that forth from your kids, provide opportunities for them to learn the language, coach them. You know, in the DR Laura episode, I don't know what episode it was right now, but when I interviewed Dr Laura, she talked about with our toddlers being on the floor and coaching them. I think that we can absolutely be coaching our eight and nine year olds around what to say in a moment, right? So, so like, for example, when you were talking about the asking a question, one sibling answers and the other one is put out that they didn't get a chance to answer. So turning to that child and saying, Wow, you really wanted to answer that question first, can you what could you say to your sibling to let them know that you would like you have an answer too, although, you know, I think that it's also okay knowing that they're really competitive, to be asking questions specifically to one and then to the other, right? Because that's okay too, but mixing it up because they need to understand, they need to feel what it's like, not to be the first one that responds and and how to move past that moment of er, right? So also having some one on one conversations as well separating them and talking about, when you know when everybody's feeling good, talking about, how does it feel? This is what I notice about you and your sibling. What are you feeling like? And because, and I've said this before, this before, this is where you're going to get some really juicy information. This is where you are going to dissect the problem. Like we think we know what the problem is that our kids are having, but until they actually tell us what it is, you know, we could be way off. So having a conversation and then asking them, how do you want me to help you? What do you think you need? And hearing them out and coming to an agreement together about how they can be showing up for themselves, showing up for you, and showing up for their siblings. So there you go. And also, you know, like I said, doing your own work internally around staying calm when those old, competitive childhood triggers are being are being hit. Okay, so I hope that that was helpful. I would love to hear from listeners about what you think. Of course, I am not in this mom's home. I did not do any observing of the family. There's lots that I don't know. So these are just kind of my ideas, my thoughts, based on what she shared with me. I'd love to know any ahas that you are taking away from this, ask Casey episode. I also want to take a moment too, and I mentioned this on Tuesday's show, but I am creating a 10 day program that is all about helping ourselves with our internal experience, helping ourselves. Notice the pause right. Notice that we have there is space. There's space there for us to choose to be the parent that we want to be. Now, granted, we're not doing a lot of choosing when everything's going well. We just, you know, we're the parent we want to be. It's when we are emotionally triggered. And for this mama, you know, when the when the kids start to get really competitive and aren't very good to each other. How do we create space and create a pause for ourselves, to calm our body, calm the crazy mind chatter that's happening, and drop in to being really present and helpful with them? So be on the lookout for that. There is going to be a link in the live in love with joyful courage page, if you're not on in the live in love with joyful courage group, head on over to Facebook and search in the little search bar up top, just write, live and love with joyful courage. The page will come up ask to join. I will accept you, and you'll be the first to know about this new offer that's happening in August. So that's what I got for you. That's what I have for you, for Ask Casey for this month. I hope it was helpful, and I really appreciate all you subscribers out there. You're my diehards. Big, huge love to all of you, and I will catch you soon.