EPS 333: SOLO SHOW Back-to-School Prep for Adolescents

Resources

Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way

Free Back-to-School Webinar

6 week Positive Discipline class for parents of teens begins September 20, 2022 

Back-to-school checklist

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:08
Music, hello, hello, my friends, welcome to joyful courage, a conscious parenting podcast where we tease apart the challenges and nuances of parenting through adolescence. I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, I am a positive discipline lead trainer. I am the adolescent lead at sproutable, which is a company that represents not only the growth of children, but also the journey and evolution that we all get to go through as parents. This is a place where we keep it real. There's real storytelling that happens here, real parenting, real challenges. The teen years are messy, and there aren't many right answers, but the more we trust ourselves and the more we trust our kids, the better the outcomes can be. The Parenting we talk about over here is relationship centered. You won't find a lot of talk about punishments or rewards. What you will hear is a lot of encouragement around connection and curiosity and life skill development. We talk about setting limits, of course, and CO collaborating on expectations. But really, we're here to be in relationship with our teens, because we know that relationship is really where our influence lives. Right? Our teens are on their own journey, and while we get to walk next to them or slightly behind them or in front of them, depending on your kid, we don't get to walk the journey for them, their work is to learn from the tension of life. Our work is to support them and love them along the way. I'm so glad that you're here. Enjoy the show.

Speaker 1 1:55
Woohoo. Hey, look, I'm back. I'm back after a nice summer break. I'm so glad to be here podcasting with all of you again. Woohoo. How was your summer? OMG. We had a really busy summer over here, as is. I mean, isn't that how it always is? I guess I don't know. I feel like I haven't had a summer as exciting as this summer in a while, both of my kids worked through the summer. My son was a lifeguard, which is a little terrifying. He was a lifeguard and works at our little Parks and Rec Department here in our neighborhood, which is a great job for him, with a boss that has really taken him under his wing and appreciates who he is, and has formed a really good relationship with him. My daughter is a fully licensed, fully working esthetician at a beautiful spa in town, and she also is really being supported and nurtured by her boss and her coworkers, and is loving what she's doing, yay. And any of you that that have followed for the last few years, you know that, especially the daughter, man, I mean, she's put me through the ringer, and it's really great to see her thriving and loving what she's doing and saving money and being excited about moving out on her own. Yay. What else happened this summer, I got to do a lot of traveling, a lot of seeing my family. Went to Colorado and spent a week with my sister and her five year old and 10 month old. And you know what? I don't miss those days. It's a lot of work, even though some of the work is just sitting there, kind of keeping the 10 month old from launching himself down the stairs, it's a lot of on time, like you're just on and I'm enjoying my teenagers. I'm enjoying kind of reclaiming my own life separate from them, and rediscovering my relationship with my husband this summer, that's been really special, especially the last few weeks, but it was really amazing going and spending time with my sister. Shout out to my sister, Jamie. I love you so much. Yeah, yes, and I'm really excited to be back here with you on Mondays. So let me just tell you what's happening in the next few months, because it's busy over here. I'm going to be co facilitating the teaching parenting, the positive discipline way parent educator certification training with Julietta Skoog Jules, my sister from another mister. This is a 15 hour program over five days on Zoom, certifying new parent educators. So if you want in on that, find the link in my in the show notes and check it out. I'm also doing a free webinar tomorrow night, heads up, if you haven't heard about it yet, heads up tomorrow night, free webinar around back to school, and that's what I'm going to talk about today on the pod. Cast. I hope that you join me there. There's a six week class for parents of teens that begins September 20, so a couple weeks out from that, you are someone who's been waiting to do the six week class, and you want to deep dive into this whole philosophy and way of being with parenting around positive discipline. Now is a great time. Six weeks starts, the 20th ends, the last Tuesday of October. So you can check that out. And finally, oh my gosh, you guys. I don't even know how to share this. I have a huge month of travel in November, if you live in the Middle East or near it, I'm going to be speaking at a conference in Abu Dhabi. What I know that sounds wild, but I was invited to apply, and applied and was accepted. And Julietta and I both get to go travel to the Middle East to speak, which is wackadoo, super exciting. And then from there, I get to go to Singapore. I'm going to Perth, Australia, and then finally, I'm going to Maui, to an Eckhart Tolle retreat. I don't know who I am right now, but I'm doing a world tour. So there you go, Eat, Pray, Love. That's me in November. Life is really good and exciting right now, and as far as the podcast goes, we well, thanks for hanging in there with me through the summer. We all need a break. Great, and I was glad to be able to share some of my favorite shows as weekly throwbacks for all of you, we're playing with a new format. From now until the end of 2022 I'm going to be releasing interviews, new interviews, on Mondays. Well, not today. Today's a solo show, but the rest of the Mondays will be a new interview. And then on Thursdays, I am gonna pop in with either a fresh or a throwback solo show. So you're gonna get interviews on Mondays and solo shows on Thursdays. Really excited, really excited to continue to offer you powerful encouragement to listen to throughout the week. Yay. We're gonna feel that out, see how it unfolds. I am really on top of things. I have. All my guests have, pretty much except for, I think two or three have already been interviewed and recorded, and I have an amazing lineup to share with you this fall and into the winter. So I'm really stoked about that, really stoked about that.

Speaker 1 7:39
Now today, we're going to talk about back to school. By the way, I was a week off on when my son started school. That made me feel like a super mom. It's all fine. Have you seen my back to school checklist that's been going around? I've been talking about it in my newsletter and in the joyful courage for parents of teens, Facebook group and on Instagram, I've been trying to throw it around. It's free. It's a free download, and there's a link to it in the show notes, so you can get it there, back to school checklist. Because, you know, I know I'm not alone in feeling like the anticipation of right now, like they're like it's ripe right like there's a moment here that we get to really kind of lay out or talk to our kids about what is the upcoming year gonna look like? What are our expectations? How can we co create some routines and agreements. What do our kids want? Here's the deal for our sweet tweens and teens of 2022

Speaker 1 8:50
these kids, the ones that are starting school right now, are coming out of one year. Last year, that was semi normal. Was semi normal for my kid two years ago was not normal. Ian did the whole year, except for, I think, the last month virtual and then the year before that was, you know, interrupted halfway through with covid. So it just hasn't been normal. It hasn't been normal. And your kids, my kids, they might be hopeful about the upcoming school year and excited, they may be discouraged, they may be angry, they may be disillusioned, but without a doubt, our kids, your kids, my kids, are having some feelings about going back to school, and I am feeling really confident in assuming that you are also having some feelings, right? You're also having some feelings. So in that spirit, I created a checklist. And it might seem like I created the checklist for you, but and I did, but really it's for them. It's for our teenagers. They want to have a good life. If they want to move things along and eventually be out on their own, doing their own thing. And you know, I just have been sitting with what happens when we come from that assumption, like, what happens they are doing the best they can in the moment. You've heard me say that before. How about trying on that assumption, right? Even when it maybe looks different than that? What if, even when they won't come out of their room, or they're scowling at you or flipping you the bird, what if they're doing the best they can in that moment, how does that shift the way that you might show up for them in that moment? I think that the thing that really gets in our way is that we parents, we have so much experience, and we can see things from a much broader perspective, or a different perspective than our teens. We can see so many possibilities and so much potential, right? Plus we're sitting inside of our own regrets, our own what ifs, our own misguided potential. And we want to offer all of that up as sage wisdom, right? But here's the deal, our teens are the ones that get to decide what possibilities and what potential they are going to move towards, right? They get to decide that not us, and the dynamic that we create with them either holds space for them to really have a place to explore what they want, or it narrows things down to the point where, well, you know, our teens might come from, like, I don't even want to explore what I want because my parents have made it clear what they want, and screw them. I'm going to just do the opposite, or I can never live up to what my parents want, so I'm not going to try. Or, you know, just dynamics show up that might not be what we want. You know, we just want to share our sage wisdom, but in that action, when it's not requested, we might actually be setting up a dynamic that isn't useful at all. So here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that you probably just like me, want to have a conversation with your kiddo now that school's back in session, that conversation about maybe expectations, goals, things like that. So here is the first part of making that happen. You with you getting clear and getting regulated, maybe even the thought of having this conversation, even though you want to have it, riles you up, like, how's your heart rate right now? What are the physical sensations that you notice in your body when you think about walking into your teenager's room and saying, hey, I want to talk about school. Do you have like, little scenes that kind of go on in your mind about, well, I know what's going to happen, right? Okay, so here's what I want you to do. I want you to calm down, right? We're going to find neutral like literally feel our feet breathe into the body, and as you exhale, imagine that you're exhaling all of the air out the bottom of your feet, really rooting you to the ground to help your nervous system calm down. Simple, right? Help your nervous system Calm down, because no conversations are useful when one or both participants are worked up. You can't control whether or not your teen's gonna be worked up, but you can control whether or not you're worked up, and if you go in and can maintain some calm, there is a higher likelihood that your teen can keep it together. Not you know, it's not a perfect likelihood, but you know, there's a high likelihood. So think about how continuing you with you, thinking about how these types of conversations have gone before. You know, I am very transparent with my kids. I'll say, Listen, I value you doing your work to achieve the results that you want. I'm really hands off when it comes to school, until I'm not right. I also ask, Hey, do you want me to keep more on you and your schoolwork, or do you want me to back off? What could that look like? What works for you? You know, I've talked about this before. It's easy to get caught up in the pendulum swing, like, I'm gonna be super hands off, hands off, hands off. And then I'm gonna check the portal, and then I'm like, Oh my God, there's six assignments missing, and you have a D in math, what's going on, and then all of a sudden, you know, we're all up in their grill. Okay, when you study, let's make a schedule. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, right? Or so you're like, all up in it, or then you're super hands off, or all up in it, and that messy middle kind of gets neglected. Yeah, right. I am also the first to acknowledge when I get overly controlling or overly invested in my child's school performance. Okay, so do you have stuff to clean up or acknowledge with your teen? Have you treated them in a way that leaves them feeling like you don't trust them to do what they need to do to get the results that they want. Have you ever had that conversation with them? Have you kind of taken it upon yourself, to quote, make sure that they're staying up with schoolwork? Have you asked them what they want? So no judgment here, just an invitation to kind of take an honest look at how you've been holding school. Your child's experience at school, right? I recently asked my 16 year old, he'll be 17 in October, going into his junior year. I said, I think yesterday, maybe yesterday, yeah. I said, What do you want for this year? What are you hoping to see at the end of the school year? And he said, You know, I just want a higher GPA than I have now. I said, Okay, well, let's take a look and see the steps you're gonna need to take to achieve that right? Let's figure out what you need to do to meet that goal, and it wasn't in the same conversation. I'm gonna come back to him. I just planted that little seed there. I invited him to think about what he wants, and I let him know we're gonna have some more stuff to talk about, and it'll be great, and it's really centering him and what he's going to do to get what he wants right? What's the GPA that he wants? What's the minimum GPA that he wants? What are the grades need to look like to get there? Where does he need support? Which are the classes that he can kind of breeze through all that stuff? So again, you with you to get to the point where you can have conversations like that with your child, it's important to recognize where you've gotten in the way of that kind of discussion right before we get there. It's important to take some internal inventory of what's alive for you. Does that make sense? Because our kids, our teens, especially, they can sniff out when we have an agenda, they want and should have autonomy and the natural consequences of teens choices will teach them when we stay out of the way, it'll teach them so much more than you just telling them what to do and how they should do it. So ask yourself, what do you need to let go of so that you can hold a productive space to explore what it is that your teenager wants, and productive space means non judgmental, non critical, curious, validating, deep, listening, supportive. Okay, once you're ready to talk, let your teen know that this discussion is going to happen. So kind and firm, right? The firm piece is, we're going to have a heart to heart. You don't have to use those words. We're going to have a conversation about school. That's the firmness. It's happening. The kindness is, the connection. Is, what are some times that work for you? Or would you rather do that this evening or tomorrow morning? Or let me know your work schedule so we can put it on the calendar sometime this week, right? So inviting them to make it work for them as well, giving them a heads up. This is respectful of our teenagers. And if you need to, if you've done kind of that internal inventory, and you realize, oh god, I've kind of created a monster with how I've had handled this in the past. You might start off by mentioning, hey, you know I am going to work really hard. I am working really hard because I'm learning new things about myself. I'm gonna work really hard to show up differently for you this year when it comes to school. And I wanna have a conversation about what your goals are, what you're hoping to accomplish, and how I can be supportive of that, whatever it looks like. Okay? And then, you know, do that be that notice when that control bubbles to the surface and breathe it out, right? Because this is their journey. You get to support them, you get to offer resources, but they are the ones that are making the moves, right? And listen, not all kids are straight A students. Not all kids want to work that hard. Not all kids have the skills to meet whatever the expectations in the classroom are for a work and not all kids are going to do their best. All the time. Do you do you do your best every single day? I don't. I have my moments where I'm kicking some major ass, but there are plenty of things I am phoning it in for. It is not a character flaw, right? And it is a big ask for a 16 year old to self generate inspiration in a space that is lacking inspiration. IE, school, okay, so sometimes it's gonna sound like, Yeah, that does sound like a boring class. How can you use it to get what you want? Right? You wanted a B, you want to make sure you get a B. So what do you got to do to get a B? Yeah, and trust. Trust your kid, trust that the experience they are having is taking them where they need to be to learn the next big life lesson, even if it feels like they are throwing away opportunities, even if it feels like they're stalled out, trust that the experience they're having is taking them in the direction they need to go in for the next life lesson.

Casey O'Roarty 21:15
Those of you that have followed me for the last few years, you know my oldest dropped out of school in 11th grade. Completely dropped out. I was like, what's happening right now? Dropped out. Got some really powerful mental health support, got her GED, went to esthetician school, got her esthetician license, and now is working full as a, you know, contributing member of society, right? I didn't see that when she was dropping out of school. I was not holding, like, Okay, I don't know the outcome of this. It could be okay. I was freaking out. I mean, I'm sure I came on the podcast and said, I'm kind of freaking out. It was scary. It was scary to be in that unknown, and at the end, I really felt like the only choice I had was to trust her and her self preservation. And I'm so glad that I did. I did it. Was not perfect at it, by any means. Was I perfect at it? No way. But, you know, we're two years later. Has it been two years or three years? I think it's been three years now since that really tough fall. Yeah, it's been three years. Oh my gosh,

and it's good. She's good, she's good,

Speaker 1 22:35
and she's excited and motivated and wants to keep learning. So you don't know, and if they want it, they're gonna figure out how to get it. If you want it for them, there's a good reason for them to let it go, or get all wrapped up in an internal battle of worthiness and conditional love. And need to go to, you know, spend 10 years in therapy dismantling it. So listen, just keep it real. Keep it authentic. Keep it transparent with your teenager and let go right if you aren't sure the best way to go with your kiddo, ask them. Be honest with them about what you're experiencing and the worries and the wonder that you have. Invite them into a conversation with you and deeply listen when they're willing to let you in on what's important to them. Don't ridicule them. Don't dismiss them. Listen to them and be curious. And you know what? It's okay for them to think. In the end, I wish I would have worked harder in high school. I for sure. For sure, wish I would have worked harder during my undergrad days. I wish I would have partied less and studied more and gone to class when I realized I wanted to be a elementary school teacher and applied to the program at University of Washington with my 2.1 GPA from the University of Arizona, they pretty much laughed at me. So I did three full quarters at community college to prove that I would be able to pull off their program. I got in. I aced their teacher prep program, and I had like, a three nine through graduate school. I went to graduates for an education degree and aced that maturity had landed, clarity had shown up. I made it happen. Your kids will too. And my parents, they worked very hard to carrot and stick me towards good grades. None of it worked until I knew what I wanted and how to get there, right? If you are finding yourself looking for ways to motivate your teen around school stop. It is not your job. It's their job. And you know, what is your job? It's your job to be curious about what they want, to be enthusiastic about what interests you, to model learning and practice. New things. Your job is to hold an environment that is healthy, creating limits and expectations around sleep and screens and contributing to the household. It's your job to be available, to listen to notice when you're judgmental and pull back on that own it. It's your job to own your shit, to make things right when you make the mistake, it's your job to be their cheerleader and to recognize that when you are their punching bag, it has to do with the amount of hurt and frustration and discouragement that they are holding in their body. So it's your job not to take that behavior personally, and it's also your job to practice and expect civility, to lead your family with integrity, to do your own work and explore your personal growth along the way, your teens are going to be okay. They are and it's not about abandoning them. It's not about doing nothing. It is about letting go of feeling like you have to be the one to make sure they do the things that you have to be the one to make sure they get the grades. Show up to school, wake up in the morning. These are not your jobs. These are your teens jobs. So you get to work with them, to hand over that energetic responsibility, they're going to be okay. And listen, if you are appreciating this a lot of what I talked about today, you know, we really get into the meat of during the six week class. So think about that. Think about doing that six week class. Also grab the back to school checklist. The whole thing starts off kind of with that internal inventory, and then there are specific steps around, agreements, routines, grades, school, expectations. So you'll like the back to school checklist. Again, it's the links in the show notes, so check that out. And again, I want to mention tomorrow night, I'm doing a back to school webinar. We'll go deeper into this stuff. We'll get to interact around it. You get to ask me your questions. So if you want to hang out with me and deep dive into the work of showing up better for your teens as they start a new school year, I've got you check the link in the show notes, all right, I am so glad to be back podcasting with you. I will see you with an interview next week.

Speaker 1 27:36
Thank you again for listening. Please check the show notes for any links mentioned in this show. Thank you to my team at sproutable for all your support. Julietta, Alana, I love you. Thank you to Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for keeping the show sounding so good. If you like what you heard today, share it, screenshot the show and plaster it all over your social media so that other parents know that there is value over here. If you really want to earn a gold star, head to Apple podcast and leave us a five star review. This does wonders for the show and is a great way to give back. I'm so glad to have spent time with you today. See you soon. Thank You.