Eps 299: SOLO Show- Tips on Validation

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:03
Hey, friends, welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer, parent coach and Mama walk in the path right next to you as I am perfectly raise my own two teens. Joyful courage is all about grit growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. Today's show is a solo show, and I encourage you to listen for how grit shows up as I tease apart the content. Thank you so much for listening. I am deeply honored to lead you. I'm grateful that what I put out matters to you, and I'm so stoked to keep it coming. Thank you for who you are and for being in the community. Enjoy the episode.

Hey, everybody, hey, hey, hey, I am super excited for this week's solo show. I am simultaneously recording the show and doing it live on Instagram. So there may be some times where I'm answering questions or talking to the people that are watching on Instagram, or maybe not, I'm just gonna roll with this and see how it goes. So the topic that I'm gonna bring to you today came up today in one of the groups that I facilitate, and I think it's a really important, powerful tool, a powerful communication strategy. I don't want to call it a strategy, because it's it makes it feel like I'm going to do this thing, but it's a really useful way of being in relationship with the people in our life, and it can be misunderstood when presented as a tool, which is why I want to talk about it, and that is validation. Validation, yeah, there's a positive discipline tool card called validating feelings, and what it talks about on the card is, one, it allows our kids to have their feelings so that they can learn that they're capable of moving through them. Two, we are encouraged not to try to fix or rescue our kids from their feelings. And three, validate their experiences. We can validate their experiences by saying I see that you're really feeling X, Y or Z, right? And then the fourth step is to keep our mouth shut and let them be with themselves and work it out. I like to think about validation as an opportunity to be human to human with my kids, right? I want them to have the experience of feeling seen. I see you. I see your pain. I see your hurt when we validate. It's also an opportunity to let our teens know that we can handle them. We can handle them being in their emotions, and that we have faith in them to navigate that and to be there with that validation improves relationships. It de escalates conflict and intense emotions. It shows that we're listening, that we're trying to understand, that we're being non judgmental, and that we care about our kids. I I also think about validation as a place for opening a door. You know, when our kids, our teens, especially when they feel seen and not judged, they are so much more likely to move into a receptive problem solving state, maybe not immediately. I know we all want immediate action and results, maybe not immediately, but they're more likely to get there. They're more likely to get there. And I think what hangs us up sometimes is parents, well intended parents feel like validating our teens is the same as agreeing with their actions or their behavior. And it's not true, we can validate our kids thoughts and feelings without necessarily agreeing with what they've done right, or where they're finding themselves. So yeah, it sucks to get behind in school, and it can feel really overwhelming validating that experience isn't the same as saying, You know what, it's okay that you haven't done any homework or schoolwork over the last two weeks. I'm okay with that, right? We're not saying that. We're simply. Saying, Yeah, it's really hard to be where you're at right now, right? That's what validation is about. It's about seeing our kids where they're at, and not only seeing them there, but really creating a space for them to feel seen there, right? There's a difference. There's a difference. How do we do it? So I loved getting deeper into validation. I learned so much when I went through DBT with my daughter in 2020, I've shared a little bit about that on the podcast. We did a six month DBT program through middle path counseling here in Bellingham. It was a lifesaver. Super useful and just really grateful to take what I learned there and share it here. So here's some of what I learned through DBT about what it means to validate one one way that we can validate is through active listening. Active Listening looks like making eye contact and staying focused on what the other person is saying. Right? To me, this is listening to understand, right? This is listening to understand. This isn't listening while also thinking about what we're going to say or how we can fix it, right? This is listening to understand, listening to find out new information. Two, being mindful, being mindful about our verbal and our non verbal reactions, how you hold your body, what is your facial expression? Right? I have so many tells my kids know my tells right? I have facial expressions that let them know what I think. My voice tone lets them know what I think. And so I really work hard at finding neutral and embodying neutral and really being curious and wanting to be present with them, right? Because as soon as my mind starts to go into like, oh my god, is this really a thing? Or I know what you need, right? As soon as I go into that, they can see it, and it's not useful and it's not validating. So being mindful of that, observing what your teen is feeling in the moment like listen for a word or a phrase that describes their feelings, that gives you a hint or a clue. And this is, you know, Amy, I see you watching Amy. Love you. Amy's my oldest friend on the planet. This is useful too for younger kids. So if you're listening and you've got a younger kid, and you hear me using the word teens, know that this is useful for younger kids as well. So yeah, we're observing what they're feeling, what they're how they're speaking, into their feelings in the moment, listening for a word or a phrase, and then the next step is to reflect back or mirror what the other person is saying without judgment, right? That's the clincher. You're feeling really frustrated, and you're totally over your US History class. You want your teen to feel heard and to feel listened to, right and then respond in a way that shows that you're taking them seriously, right? That sounds awful. What do you need right now? You know, connecting with them where they're at, connecting with them where they're at. I think the biggest piece of validation is really just being with the person, just being with them. It's hard for parents, it's hard for us, because we so often feel like the fix is so obvious, right? We do. We have all this, you know? We have experience, we have wisdom. We have some thoughts and opinions that might be useful in the situations that our teens are finding themselves in, and we need to zip it. Now is not the time to bestow our wisdom on our teens. We just need to be with them and it the truth is, we parents, we have a very low tolerance for seeing our kids in their struggle, right? We have a really low tolerance. And so this is a place where we get to flex that tolerance muscle and just be with them, right? We don't have to have the perfect thing to say. We don't have to solve their problems. And I love the metaphor of like the newly birthed butterfly. Do butterflies are they birthed? No, I don't know what the right word is, but you know, the one that's just managed to wiggle out of its chrysalis, a brand new butterfly. When we get in there and we pull that chrysalis apart and we make it easier for them to get out, butterflies do not build the strength that they need in their wings, and they're actually never able to fly. True story. Talk to the butterfly farmers out there, if we get in the way of the struggle that butterflies go through to break through that chrysalis, if we get. The way, and we make it easier for them. They don't build the strength they need, and they're never able to fly. This is our teens, you guys. This is our teens. This is the teen experience. They have to build their muscles to be able to fly, and the only way they can do that is if they have the space and the belief in themselves that they can do it right. And belief in themselves comes from us validating their experience, us sitting next to them, US trusting that they will figure it out right. This is how they build their muscles. This is how they build their muscles. Jane Nelson says, we help children understand their feelings and deal with them effectively by taking them seriously and then helping them work it out, or trusting them to work things out after they feel validated and have a little time. And it is amazing how often children do work out solutions to their problems when they're simply allowed to do so in a friendly atmosphere of support and validation. Thank you. Jane Nelson,

this is how they grow the wings they need. And it isn't the only tool. Like it's not about being a validation machine, right? It is, and it isn't a strategy or a trick. Validation isn't about having an agenda. It is simply about being with another human being, right? It's about and allowing them to feel you with them. That's the that's the big thing for teens, right? Not just what we do, but how they're experiencing what we do. All right. Now, listen. If you do have an opinion or an idea that you want to give to your teen, once they feel seen and heard, they are more likely to be open to hearing it. And that being said, I would really encourage you all to be in the habit, to get into the habit to practice asking them if they'd like to hear your wisdom and prepare yourself for hearing No, no, thank you. Right. Let them know you're available if they need support and that you love them. Done. That's it. That's it. They will come to you if they want support, especially if you give them the space and the trust and the faith that you know that they're capable. We all know what it's like to be invalidated and to feel invalidated. It sucks when a good friend right launches into all the reasons you shouldn't feel the way you feel, or all the things we could be doing differently, or all the things that well, if you wouldn't have done XYZ, you wouldn't be in your current place of pain. Nobody likes that. No, thank you. It's not it doesn't help us to do better or to be better. Or this happens too when we're sharing from our heart and the other person starts to tell us about that one time they felt the same way. Not useful, right? These are all ways that we invalidate each other. And you know, there is a lot coming up in the joyful courage community of parents around disconnection. A lot of teens are feeling pain right now for a lot of different reasons. It is painful. It is painful. Like, can we just acknowledge the world right now? The world is shitty right now, and the future does not necessarily look bright. And our kids are watching. They are like, mainlining information. Not all of it is accurate information, but they're on social media. They're getting news, you know, through a variety of sources. They're trying to make sense of it. They only have the filter that they've developed, and there is some deep discouragement right now. And what they're feeling is real. It's valid. Meet them there, first, right meet them there, see them there, hear them. Drop the assumption, this is a big one, drop the assumption that you know how your teen feels and what they should do, and just listen to them with an open heart. And you might be thinking like, Well, I would listen to them, but they don't really say much. So my favorite thing to keep in my back pocket is tell me more about that, you know. So they might come to you and say, oh my gosh, guess what I heard? Wow. Tell me more. Tell me more. When you don't know what to say, just say, Tell me more. And the idea being Tell me more is going to help you get a better understanding of what it is that they're feeling, that they're going through right see the beauty in the complex human that is your child, that is your teenager. Honor them. Honor them by listening to understand better, right? Allow them the space that they need to. Lengthen their wings, because they will fly, they will fly one day, and you want them to really be confident and really feel resourced as they fly.

And if you're not sure what they need, you know, ask. Just the other day, I was on the phone with my daughter, Rowan, who's 18. Love her. Love you, Rowan. And she was really struggling with something, and she was telling me about it, and I wasn't quite sure what it was that she actually needed from me, and so I asked her. I was like, So, babe, do you want me to listen or to validate your experience or to share with you what I think you should do, right? I was speaking of Rowan. She just joined the live Hey, rowie, I'm talking about you. I asked her, What do you need? Like, what would be the most useful right now? And she told me, she told me what she needed, and I was able to offer that. So I want you to really sit inside of everybody's going to be okay, right? Even those of you with teens that are really struggling, they're going to be okay. You're going to be okay. And really lean into this whole idea of validating, of validating their experience, of validating, you know, how they're feeling, of seeing them inside of their experience. Okay, that's the practice for this week. That's the practice for this week. Thank you so much. Thank you for listening. I hope that was useful for everybody. Validation is on my mind. I'm super stoked, because this is episode 299, next week, everyone is episode 100 No, that is a lie. Episode

Speaker 1 16:54
300 300 episodes of The joyful courage podcast.

Casey O'Roarty 17:00
I can't believe it. It's so weird that we're at this place, but we are, we are 300 episodes. And I want to say too that my guest for next week, I think, is really exciting again. This will be two weeks for those of you that are watching the live my guest for Episode 300 Dan Siegel, oh yeah, if I'm getting to 300 podcast episodes, you better believe that the guest is going to be super kick ass. So Dan Siegel is coming back onto the podcast, and we're going to talk about his new book, which is a guide a 21 day program around becoming aware. It's a guide for his book that came out a few years ago called aware. So yeah, I know, I know I see in the in the chat, I know I'm super excited freaking love Dan Siegel. I have a huge scientist crush on Dan Siegel, don't, don't let that cat out of the bag. But anyway, excited about that. Thank you for listening. So appreciate you. Thanks for hanging around live on Instagram. I'm going to do this more often. This is kind of fun.

Yeah, that's it. That's it for this week. Big Love. Bye.

Okay, thanks again for listening. If you feel inspired and you haven't already, please do me a favor and head over to Apple podcasts and leave a review. We're working hard to stand out and make a massive impact on families around the globe. Your review helps the joyful courage podcast to be seen by even more parents. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Also follow me over at joyful underscore courage on Instagram and follow me on Facebook. I love connecting with you on social media. I'm so appreciative of all the joyful courage love that happens in those places. If you feel excited by this week's show, take a screenshot of it, post it in your social media story places, and I will re share. I'll reshare if you you gotta tag me, though, so tag me. I'll reshare. It'll be great. All right, hey, have a great, great week, and I will be back again next week with this super stellar interview. Love you. Bye