Eps 281: 4 Questions For Bringing More Ease and Less Urgency To Right Now

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Hello, friends. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting teenagers. I am your host. Casey oberty, I am a positive discipline lead trainer, yes, that's new and exciting. I'm a positive discipline lead trainer, parent, coach and Mama walk in the path right next to you as I am perfectly raise my own two teens. Joyful courage is all about grit, growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning, as well as influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. As you listen in on today's show, pay attention to how grit shows up in the conversation. Also, if you're not already on my email list, now is the perfect time to join. I pop into my subscribers inbox with stories, podcast, news and offers. Every week, my hope is to make you laugh a little, or at least relate to what I have to share and keep you updated on all the joyful courage goodness. If you're into it, go to joyful courage.com/email and sign up. Signing up right now will get you the seven tips for connecting with your teens. I'll share with you seven tips over seven days that if you put them into practice, will make a difference in your relationship with your kids. Each day you'll get an action step and a bonus step. If you're feeling like an overachiever again, that's joyful courage.com/email. Sign up and stay more connected. Thank you so much for listening. I am deeply honored to lead you. So grateful to hear that what I put out matters to you, and so excited to keep it coming. If you love this show, please take a screenshot and share it on your social media. Let your friends know you're listening and find value in the podcast. Tag me and I will reshare it in my media channels as well. All right, enjoy the show.

Well, hello there. Hello there, my friend. How are you? Listener, how are you? If you are new to this show, welcome, welcome to joyful courage land. I am so glad that you are here, and I'm hopeful that you will take away value from this show, and if you are a longtime listener, Hi, welcome back. A new week, a new month. Oh my gosh, it's the first week of July and, well, actually, as I record this, it's June 30, so tomorrow's July 1, and I'm just kind of not totally freaking out about it, but I'm a little bit like, what how was it already July? I was just sharing with the membership moms about how weird it feels to be looking at July 1 on my calendar. It feels like time is in hyperdrive. It feels like time is in hyperdrive. My son has been out of school for a couple weeks now. We've shifted into, well, we just had a crazy heat wave. Oh my gosh. I know many of you are listeners from the Pacific northwest of the United States. So you're feeling me right now. What was that? That was like Insanity? Insanity. And those of you that are listening from places where it gets hot, here's the deal up here in the Pacific Northwest of the US, it's mild, especially way up where I am. I'm in Bellingham. I'm close to Canada. I'm in, like, the most northwest corner of the United States, and it's mild, like we love the sun, but we love the sun, and like 78 degrees, nobody has air conditioning, and to have temperatures of over 100 which is what happened just last like, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, it got crazy hot. It was, it was, it was wild. I went out on my paddle board a whole bunch, which was great. But just going down to the marina by my house, the parking, it was like overflow parking into the field. Not only was this the beach of the lake, just like wall to wall people, but even, like, all the way out to, like, 50 feet from the shoreline, it was like wall to wall people in rafts and kayaks and boards and boats, and it was just wild and the sun. Burns.

Speaker 1 5:00
Oh my gosh, it's June too, right? So

Casey O'Roarty 5:04
we haven't had a chance to, like, grow into our suntans up here, so the sunburns were out. It was just insane. And then we lost power. You might have gotten my email last week about this, but we lost power, so then the fans weren't on, and it was just like craziness. And we were fine. It was fine. I was grateful for, you know, having a place to live, being so close to the lake. It was so easy just to go down and just get in the water, which was huge. So, you know, we were okay. But, holy moly, it was super hot, and, you know, I'm finding that like time, and I've got, I'm going to tell you a little bit about some travel plans ahead of me. We're moving into July. I'm thinking about just some things that are happening in my business. And I have to tell you, I am a little bit snappy and not so patient, little bit snappy, not so patient. I gave up sugar. So if any of you have ever given up sugar, you know you should pretty much go to rehab to detox, because the level of angst that shows up around day six, seven is pretty gnarly. It was perfectly timed with the heat wave for me. Oh, my family's so lucky, yeah. And so I'm also getting ready, so this show is gonna go live on the fifth of July, and on the sixth of July, I'm taking a red eye to Costa Rica and leaving town and traveling internationally, going to a woman's retreat that my beautiful friend Vibha Aurora, she was on one of my summits, and she's just beautiful and lovely, and she's running a woman's retreat in Costa Rica, and I'm gonna go super excited, a little bit a little bit worried. I'll talk about that in a moment. And then I'm flying from Costa Rica to LA to spend time in Orange County, which is where I grew up, and go to my 30 year high school reunion. Yes, you heard me right. It has been 30 years since I graduated from high school. Oh, my God, that's so weird to say out loud, 30 years. I mean, think about remember being in high school, and like hearing the phrase 30 year high school reunion. I mean, didn't you just picture like old people, like elderly people? I do not feel old or elderly, although my knees might tell you a different story, but it is super trippy, and it's also very exciting. So I loved high school. I had a great high school experience, and we had a really tight class. I'm still really good friends with many people that I graduated with that I don't ever see, except for at our reunions, and we just have a really great time all together. So I'm really looking forward to that and seeing my mom and my brother and his family and some friends. So I'm excited for this trip. I'm going to be gone for 12 days, which feels really great, right? Like I we've been pandemicing and cancer treatment ing and mental health thing for the last few years, and this is a big step away from me, for me, from my family, and you know, it comes with a lot of different emotions. Actually, it doesn't, when I really think about it, I'm mostly just like, super excited, but I'm a little weirded out just by the international travel and covid, I am fully vaccinated. I have no problem wearing a mask. I have no problem using hand sanitizer, and just like, you know, wiping the hell out of my space, like I have no shame around that or any weirdness, and it still feels kind of crazy. Still feels kind of crazy. I you know, my kids need me less. I'm noticing that a lot right now. I've really good friend who has two young boys, well, like a young, young boy and then kind of an early adolescent age boy. And I just realized, wow, I have so much freedom in my life because my kids are really self sufficient, so my kids need me a little bit less. My family as a whole needs me less. Although, how would laundry ever get folded if I just magically went away and it's hard to let go right like I was reminded, as I thought about and prepared for this podcast, I was thinking about this, like underlying, I have this underlying feeling of, like, urgent energy, you know I'm talking about, so it's like this, I guess it might be like underlying anxiety, but it's just kind of the. This unsettled energy, like, like you've drank too much coffee, or you've forgotten something. Like, I just have noticed that as a part of my experience, especially as I get closer to this trip. And I was thinking about it today, and I was remembering when my husband and I celebrated our tenure wedding anniversary in 2009 we went to a music festival. We went to the summer meltdown Music Festival, and it was the first festival, first weekend that we had been away from our kids. I mean, we'd had a night here and there, but as far as, like a weekend, this was the first time my parents flew up, took the kids to Seattle, had a whole weekend with them, and Ben and I went to the summer meltdown Music Festival, which was awesome, by the way, super fun. And I noticed when we got there, you know, Ben, we got our chairs. We go into the event like we get our campsite all set up, we go into the venue, we throw it on our chairs, and I sit down with Ben, and not five minutes goes by, and I can just feel this, like agitation, not agitation, but this energy, this like, like unsettled energy. And I couldn't it took so long for me to relax, because I was so used to tending to small kids. I mean, at that point 10 years, so the kids were probably like, I have no idea how they were 10 years I was 25 so they were like, six and four, maybe four and six, four and seven. And, you know, all of my days had been tending to the needs of small kids. You know how it is. You sit down and then somebody needs something, right? And so you get up. So what I was, what I realized on this trip, was like, Oh my gosh, like, my body is no longer used to just sitting there and not getting up, moving around, taking care of somebody, making a snack, you know? So I'm noticing, and it's different, but it's similar right now, as I just kind of recognize that my kids don't really need me the same way that they have in the past. My family is high functioning. My husband, you know, his health is returning, so he needs me less. My daughter's mental health is really strong, so I don't need to take so much headspace in thinking about that stuff. And I'm recognizing, even just in this moment, I like need some retraining. I need some retraining. Isn't that weird? Back to normal is beckoning, and it's also creating stress. Like I said, I'm fully vaccinated. My family's fully vaccinated. I'm all for vaccinations. I'm all for masks. And we have some immune issues in our family, right? Like my husband just went through his health crisis year, and we don't know how effective the VAX is for him, we just don't know. And we won't know unless, of course, he gets covid and gets really sick, and then we'll know for sure. Like, Oh, not that effective. I would rather avoid that. I'd rather avoid that. But, you know so, but that's we don't know. I mean, it's definitely feels better, like, I have do have a feeling of, like, Okay, I am feeling better knowing that we're all vaccinated. And there is, you know, we just don't have the room to fully let go of the threat of covid. And not everybody has that same mindset, because not everybody has a person that they're really close to who is immune compromised. And so, of course, if you don't have to think about it, you don't think about it, but we have to think about it, so we think about it. And so, you know, it's, it's like weird conversations, like friends coming over and saying, Well, wait a minute,

are you vaccinated? If you're going to stay the night, you have to be vaccinated, and then finding out, no, you're not okay. I have mixed feelings about that. And thank you for telling me and you can't stay over, right? And going down to see family, and are there family members who aren't vaccinated? And how's that going to be? And you know, going to a fourth of July gathering at a friend's house who's so excited to have us come, and having to say, like, are all the families vaccinated, who are coming? And the answer is no. So what are we going to do about that? How? How am I going to maintain safety? So anyway, it's a lot of headspace, right? And so that's what I want to talk about today, is like, How can I? How can we? Because I know you've got your own things that you're thinking about, that you're juggling, that you're keeping in motion, that you're trying to make happen. It's not just me, to all of us, you know, our stories might be slightly different, the flavors, you know, different colored, different colors, but it's we're all kind of holding this platter full of stuff. Mm. And you know, what's the number one thing not to drop, right? And then there's the collective global experience of, you know, just that unsettled energy. And it's real. It's real. And so listen, I want more ease and less of a feeling of urgency, right? Less feeling like I'm behind and things are falling through the cracks. Summer is my absolute favorite season. It's just two months, three months of flashing back to being young, feeling free. I mean, it's when all the vices come out, because it's just this part of the year that just like freedom, like, that's all that really I can that's the only word that comes up for me when I think about the summer. Is freedom, feeling free, wanting to feel free, wanting freedom, and my schedule and in my choices, and I got a business to run, and I have kids to get places, and, you know, there's, there's things outside of my control that are that can get in the way of that sense of ease and that sense of freedom, and can also create and feed into this feeling of, ah, urgency, too much to do, and when I'm In that like, ah, too much, I'm a bitch, like I'm just I'm not a good mom, I'm not a good wife, I'm not a good friend, I'm not good at self talk, like nobody is spared. So there is only so much we can control, right? But there are a few things that we can control and we can have influence over so I wanted to share with you today four questions that I have recently used to support me, and I think will be supportive of you in creating the experience that you want, right, creating the experience that you want, and You can really use this for any season of life, right? We are going to look at it in the context of the summer, in the context of the summer. Okay, so first question of the four, what do you want to experience this summer? What do you want to experience this summer? What is the quality that you want this summer to have for you. So that's different than like, what do you want to do this summer? Because we can make a list. We can make a summer bucket list, right? I want to do this, and I want to do that. I want to do this, and I want to do that. That is not what this question is about. It's not about the doing, it's about the being and the feeling. How do you want to feel? And when you look back on this summer, the summer of 2021 how do you have wanted it to feel? What is the energy this summer that you're hoping for? And I realize those of you I'm thinking specifically of my sweet friend Andrea Dewar, hey, Anne. I see you down there, Down Under in Australia, where it's winter. So when I say summer, you think, winter, okay, what is the quality that you want this to have? And you know, for me, the quality is I want to feel ease, ease and freedom, like spaciousness. And I want you to sit with this question and sit with this quality that comes up for you when you think about what you want. And I want you to take some time to really like animate it, bring it to life. Like, how do you know when you're experiencing free, freedom. How do you know when you're experiencing ease, right? What does that feel like? What does it taste like? What does it smell like? How do you know that the energy you want is there, and maybe take some time, get a journal, write it out, write it out. And at first you might be like, Well, I don't really know. Casey, like, What are you even talking about? Great, if that is where you're sitting, then this is an awesome stretchy exercise for you. Like, what does freedom feel like? What are the images that come to mind and when you experience the images? Is it wind in your hair? Is it sun on your face? Warmth? Is it warmth in your body? Is it a settled in, settled energy, peace? What is it I want you to explore that. And the second question is, what will bring me that experience. What will support me? I'm not going to say bring me because that is like I'm going to sit here, you bring me freedom. No, it's active, right? So what is going to support me in creating the experience that I want? How? How. Do you see this coming alive for you, right? What's gonna what's gonna bring this to life for you? So I think about, you know, things like plenty of room for self care, right? Self Care and real self care. I was just talking to a client today, and I was asking her about, you know, what does self care look like? And she shared with me kind of like awesome, awesome times during the day where she does take care of self and her homework is bring ever more intention, because you might go to the gym, you might take walks every day, you might do the things that check off the self care box. But are you bringing an intentionality that this is something that is going to refuel, reset, recharge, nurture me? Are you bringing that when you're on the treadmill? Are you thinking about like really dropping in and being present? Because I remember there was a time when I was a treadmill girl. I can't anymore because it kills my knees, and I did not love to run, and so I would watch shows. It was the perfect way to blow through 20 minutes. It's a show on Netflix called I'm sorry, oh my gosh. It's so crude and hilarious. I highly recommend it. Um, that was one of the shows that I watched when I was on the treadmill. And it was not self care. I mean, on one level, it was because I was, you know, exercising my body. But as far as, like, a recharge, a refuel, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't super present to the activity. So that was a super tangent, but I'm going to bring it back around. So what's going to nurture the quality that you want this summer? What? What are the what? What do you have control over that can influence the blossoming of that quality, of that quality in your experience. So when I think about freedom and ease and wanting that to come to life in my life, I really am thinking about, okay, where are the places that I can create space for it? What do I have control over? Where do I have influence so that this is a priority, this is an intention, right? So take some time in your journal. Journal this out, what do you have control over that can bring the quality that you want into your summer experience? Feel free to pause the podcast and take some time to write that out. And then question number three, what might get in the way? Because here's the deal, we're having these like internal experiences, while the external world keeps worlding, right? Life keeps happening. Life keeps lifeing. Things get in the way. What might happen to bring in more of what you don't want? So like for me, I want freedom and ease, and I want less of this, like urgent, underlying, anxious kind of energy. So what might happen to bring in that urgency? Well, things like not having a schedule,

not following through with what I say I'm going to do, which is, I want to front load a bunch of work so that I don't feel so overwhelmed by keeping up with my business. I you know, I like to know. I like to have things planned out. I come across as this really easy going gal. I'm not that easy going. I'm a little high maintenance when it comes to having a schedule, having a plan, not like a super rigid schedule, but somewhat of a schedule. I like it. And I don't have control over a lot of things. I don't have control over, you know, the plans my kids want to make because they're teenagers now, and they don't always want to do with what my great plan is. Or, you know, my husband is a power line construction guy, and there's a lot of overtime work call outs, you know, in the middle of dinner or in the middle of the night. Sometimes I don't have control over that, and it already has created drama for me, actually. And I get to flex into my flexibility. I get to stretch into flexibility and recognize this has been his job for a long time. I'm so grateful that he has a job, that he has a trade, that I'm so happy that he loves it, that it's going well. And I don't love the off hours work, but it's a part of the program. So recognizing where we don't have control, looking at places where we do have influence, right? I get to decide how I'm going to respond when Ben gets that call and it's the middle of. Dinner, and I've expected that we're all going to have a little family time. I get to I have control over how I respond, even if my first response is that negative reaction of like, God, I hate your job. I can catch myself there, and I can shift my mindset. If I'm willing, I can shift my mindset and decide that freedom and ease? Case, freedom and ease, let it go. What do I have influence over right now, right? So what will get in the way? Where do you have some influence? And then the final question, and I love this question. I'm so excited about this question, how will you continue to keep your compass pointing towards what you want most this summer. How will you continue to keep your compass pointing towards what you want most this summer? Have you ever set a goal? Right? You set a goal or, like, a New Year's resolution, right? It's like, Yeah, I'm so excited. So great. And then life goes on and it's June, and you can't even remember what the resolution was, anyone only me. I see you guys out there. So if there's something that we want to create for the summer, a quality that we want to bring to life, that we want to animate throughout this upcoming season, then we've got to check in and make sure that our compass continues to point in that direction, right? So getting really clear about what are the indicators that you're not having the experience that you want? How do you know when you're off course? I know when I'm off course because I'm tense and annoyed. And again, back to that willingness. How can I create? How can we create routines that help us check in on our compass? How will we course correct? How will you find the willingness to course correct? Right? Because willingness versus willfulness, will fullness is like God. If my family was just so, you know, was get, would get with the program, or if the weather would cooperate, or, you know, or, or we find all of these external things to blame around not having the experience we want. Like, if only this would happen, then I could experience freedom and ease? No, no, we're gonna just shove that to the side, let it sit over there in the corner, that mindset, but by you just you can hang out, but you got to be over there in the corner. And we're going to replace it with, where do I have influence? What can I do in this moment that is going to move me in the direction of what I want most. Right? How can I pay attention? Enough attention, more attention. Grow our awareness that OOF I am feeling rigid, or I am irritated, or I feel really defeated, or low energy, or whatever. Right, being aware enough to observe yourself and recognize and ask, Where's my compass right now? And it's not about it's not about being perfect. It's not about ignoring negative behavior or not negative behavior. Well, negative behavior, but also, just like heavier emotions, it's not about that. It's not about pushing anything aside. It's about feeling it, feeling it, and then choosing, okay, great. So I'm having this experience. Do I want to sit here inside of this experience? Or can I lift up and out a bit, make a small shift so that my compass continues to point towards what I want most, and for me, that's ease. I want ease. What do you want? I want you to let me know. Do you know that you can email me? [email protected] I love it when you do. I love hearing from people who listen to the show and found find value and then send me an email and tell me it's so great. It's so great. So do that please.

I will share one thing that I'm doing to create ease in my summer experience. You'll notice this too, because it's going to affect you. So I'm working on creating all of my podcasts for the summer in like the next week. Oh, gosh, that's a lot of work. Even as I say that I had this idea like a week ago, and I'm realizing now, like, Oh, I could have done more, but in August, what I'm going to do in August. No, I can I can pull that off. I can pull that off. I'm going to let you know in my next solo show in two weeks if I pulled it off. Okay, that's my accountability. But in August, I am going to repurpose five of my favorite conversations. Questions from all the mini summits of 2020 and the one that I did at the beginning of 2021 so I'm going to have five guests, and each week I'm going to highlight one guest from each of the summits that I've done. And I'm super excited because, you know, that's the weird thing, like, I created all this content, including the podcasts, which we're really thinking about, how to bring back some of the great episodes, because I've made them, and then they come out for the week, and it's exciting, and then it's on to the next show. But you know, have you listened to all 280 podcast episodes? I'm guessing, probably not. There might be a handful of you who have but the majority of you, you know, have jumped in whenever you've jumped in, and maybe you've jumped around some, and there is just, I mean, it's a goldmine, that archive, that podcast archive, so really thinking about how to repurpose the content that I've already created and share it with you so that you can connect with it. Yay. I'm super excited. So that's something that I'm going to do to create more ease in my summer, doing a lot of batch work, so batch social media posts and batching my emails just like you batch cook right? When you when you meal plan, right? You want to make it easier, so that every day you don't have to create something new, or at least, you know, that's what I've heard. It's like, I'm not a very good meal planner, but I am going to take the same idea and put it towards my work this summer so that I can create ease. That's the plan. Now I get to follow through, so let's all just take a collective sigh and remember that life is not a treadmill. The space and the ease that we want, the qualities that we want, are there. They already exist, and they're available for us, if we choose to create it and tap into it and animate it, bring to life what it is that we want and structure our life in a way that creates space for it. The boundaries we're willing to create allow for space, the front loading we're willing to do allows for space and ease. So I want you to keep looking for where you have influence over your life and let me know how this plays out for you. And I'm really excited next week, Sarah McLaughlin is coming on, my dear friend who just wrote a new book called raising human beings with heart. She's going to come on, and she's been on the podcast before. She is a sister from another mister, and we have the best time talking to each other. We have yet to meet in real life. I'm really excited to share that podcast with you. You'll get a solo show. You'll get another interview in July, and then it'll be on to August and some summit revisiting so peace and ease and freedom. Can't wait to hear what you want to bring to life in your life. Do it this summer is the summer to be in the driver's seat of your experience and influencing how you're experiencing this time of life. All right. Big Love. Talk soon, bye.

All right, thank you again for listening, and don't forget, you can get the seven tips for connecting with your teens, as well as podcast updates and offers from joyful courage, plus some humorous stories straight from the trenches of my life by joining my email list. Joyful courage.com/email, that's joyful courage.com/email. Do it now so you can be even more connected to all things joyful courage, and be sure to follow me in all the places I love connecting with you. On social media, I try to post things that add value to your life. So find me on Instagram. Find me on Facebook. Don't forget to check out the membership, right the membership for moms of teens and tweens at joyful courage.com/ljc, enrollment closes the end of July. If there were any links that I threw at you about parent education or the membership or the email, just know all of them are in the show notes. So check the show notes. If you didn't catch the links and friends, take a deep breath. Ride it into your body. Release, find ease, find your balcony seat lifting up and out for perspective and trust that everyone and everything is gonna be okay. Big Love to all of you. I'll see you next week.