Eps 271: Grounding, Current Events & Being a Daring Parent

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Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Kay, Hello, friends. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of the parenting journey. I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer, parent, coach and mom walking the path right next to you as I imperfectly raise my own two teenagers. Joyful courage is all about grit growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. Today's show is a solo show, and I encourage you to listen for how grit shows up explicitly as well as implicitly, as I tease apart this week's topic. Thank you for being here.

You all right, here we are. Here we are, the end of April, oh my gosh. How did that happen? I have to be honest. Well, I'm always honest, but I gotta be honest with you all right now, this was hard for me today to come to the mic with a solo show. I had a really hard time kind of collecting my thoughts and really focusing in on the direction that I wanted to go in. Yeah, just feeling a little bit scattered. And so what I was thinking is, you know, I believe that what is happening in the individual is often happening in the collective. So I'm guessing, I'm wondering if maybe, as you come to this podcast and you're listening, if perhaps you feel a little bit scattered. So with the spirit of collective experience, I was thinking that I would start this podcast with a little bit of grounding, a little bit of grounding. This is something that I talk about a lot in my work, but unless you are a client of mine, or in the membership, or, you know, in one of the courses that I run, you maybe haven't experienced being grounded by me or with me before, so I'd like to just play with it a little bit. Okay, so I'm hoping you know if you're driving and you can pull over, great. If you're driving and you can't, then that's fine too. You can listen and come back to this. But if you could in your space, and if your kids are around, I would invite them to join us in the space that you're in. I invite you to just find a comfortable posture, right? And a comfortable posture is really one. What I'm aiming for here is just one where your body feels supported. So for you, if that's cross legged, great if it's feet on the floor, great if it's lying down, great. And I would like for you to have the experience of your back being supported. So if you can lean up against something that would be wonderful and just settle in to your body and settle into your breath, bring your attention to your breath, notice and give yourself permission simply in this moment to breathe.

Now that might seem like a weird thing for me to invite you into but so much of our day is busy and moving, and we're in our heads and we're thinking about what we got to do. We're reflecting on what we've already done. Rarely are we really focused in on our breath. So just give yourself permission to be there,

and as you focus in on your breath, just notice, be it, practice being a non judgmental observer of yourself. And notice if it's difficult to let go of the planning, if it's difficult to let go of you know the reflecting, and just be with that and bring yourself back to your breath.

And I invite you to ride your next breath in. Into your body, letting your breath be a tool in exploring any places that there might be tension or holding,

I like to do a little scan of the face, my forehead and the small muscles around my eyes and my cheekbones, often that's a place where I hold tension. So check it out for yourself, and use your exhale as a release.

And as you explore your body with your breath and you are called to move or stretch or twist, listen to the call. Listen to the call and move your body as it's being asked to be moved, it's probably really happy that you're paying attention to it.

And just acknowledge any, any physical sensations that are alive for you. Non judgment here, just noticing, just practicing being a noticer.

And with the next breath, I invite you to shift into noticing the emotional experience of right here, right now, paying attention to any emotions or feelings that are currently alive for you in this moment again, working to be non judgmental, working to be a noticer and allower you.

And just notice how when you pay attention to that experience, that emotional experience, that you can also move in and out of that emotional space, maybe the emotions evolve into something different as you give them attention and tend to them,

and finally, bring your awareness, your attention to any storyline, any thoughts that are running through the mind. Right now, if you're not in the practice of doing something like this, it is, you'll find it is hard to turn off the thinking brain. And even if we can do it for 15 or 20 or 30 or 60 seconds, it's not long before it creeps back in. So just notice what is the story of right now, from a place of non judgment and allowing noticing your thoughts, noticing how your thoughts evolve and shift and change

with your next breath, I invite you to bring A smile to your face. Invite in some lightness some playfulness, some joy, the awareness that there's no right or wrong way to do this. So if you're giving yourself a hard time, I invite you to maybe do a little laughing at yourself

and bringing yourself back into your body, into this space that we're sharing together. Thank you. Thank you for that. That was really helpful to me. I hope that it was helpful to you. If you'd like to pause the podcast and grab a piece of paper and a pencil and reflect a little bit on what came up for you in that practice, of course, full permission to do that. Yeah. So I have a lot on my mind. I've a couple things. One thing that I want to just acknowledge because of, you know, time and space and real world events, I just want to acknowledge that I'm having some. Uh, feelings about the context of what's happening here in the States right now. So two days ago, Derek Chauvin, a police officer who was on trial for the death of George Floyd, was found guilty, and this was a really big deal here in the States. And it was a big deal because think this was the first time that a white police officer was found guilty and convicted with murder for the killing of a unarmed black man. And as a white American myself, I can't know the depth of the emotion that this conviction has brought to people of color, especially black people in this country, and yet I feel very emotional. It feels like the jury did the right thing. They got it right this one time. And you know, even over the course of this trial, there have been more shootings of unarmed black and brown people by police officers. There's been some shootings of children in the last couple of weeks. And you know, the weight of the situation here in the States, it feels unbearable to me, and again, I don't know. I can't imagine how it feels for people of color, but I just, you know, I'm feeling really compelled to bring the conversation into our community through social media and through this podcast, because most of you are white mothers, and we have so much power, and it is so important that we not turn off the news and turn our back and ignore what's happening, because our black and brown sisters are in deep pain and deep fear for the lives of their children, for the lives of their partners, for the lives of their fathers, for their own life. And that's real. That's real. And so, you know, I've been kind of posting here and there things about this, and I've gotten some feedback. You may have seen something I posted on Instagram about this. I've gotten some feedback, like, Hey, Casey, stick to the parenting. And I understand that this is an uncomfortable conversation. It is deeply uncomfortable for me to know the right thing to say, to think about what I may or may not be triggering inside of our community, as I do my own exploration of of my role inside of this context. And I don't think that the discomfort that I'm stirring up is more what is the word? I can't even think of the word I you know, like I don't care. I do care. I want you to feel uncomfortable. I want you to feel enough discomfort to do something, to say something, to reach out to someone that you know might be hurting. You might not know the right words to say, but to reach out and to say, I see you and I see your pain. What can I do? How can I support or here's how I'm supporting. Look for organizations and spend your money to support organizations that are doing the work of dismantling systematic racism, talk to your children. Talk to your children about racism, and be curious with them. Find out what they know and what they're hearing and what they see, and help them in navigating tough, sticky situations with maybe people that they know, friends that they know, got you know, people they play sports with, that who might be throwing down racist or homophobic or transphobic or any kind of phobic comments and support your kids, and how to stand up to that, and how to reframe that and how to make a difference. Because what I do know is that it does require those of us that are white getting uncomfortable and making some moves to change the system that we're currently living in that does benefit us and moving towards a system that benefits everybody, right? I My heart aches for my friends who have teenage boys who are black or brown, who are, you know, go out into the world like I'm all. Already worried when my kids go out into the world, my two white kids going out in the world, I'm already like, oh God, you know, do the right thing. Don't make any mistakes. But I don't have a fear of them getting shot by police officers because they are, you know, in any way resisting or I don't have that fear, and nobody, no mother, should have that fear. So I just wanted to highlight that and speak into that today, because I think it's something we need to be talking about. And we have the luxury as white people. We have the luxury to turn off the news, to change the channel, to listen to something different, and black people don't it's a part of their existence, this fear and this reality of microaggression and institutional racism. It's a part of their existence, and it shouldn't be. So I challenge you, listeners today to do a little bit more exploring, if you're not already into what you can do to support living in an anti racist society. What are the organizations that are doing the work that you can contribute to? What are community organizations that you can be a part of to lift us all up. Lift us all up to a society where every life is valued, right? Every life is valued. And every mother, you know, we all, instead of having a fear of our kids not coming home. You know, we just have the normal fears, right? The normal fears. So just wanted to speak into that. The other thing, what I really wanted to talk about as well, is that I've been listening to Brene Brown. I love Brene Brown. Do you all listen to Brene Brown? Speaking of anti racism, she has some really great well, all of her podcasts are are really powerful. But if you go back to last May, June, July, she has some really powerful guests on talking about the experience of black people in this country and what we can what we can be doing better. So I would encourage you to do that. But also, the last couple of weeks, she's had shows that are promoting her new podcast called dare to lead. And she talks about armored versus daring leadership, armored versus daring leadership. And as I was listening to it, you know, she's speaking more into the experience in companies like leaderships, in leadership in corporate America or even nonprofit America. As I was listening, all I could think about was, oh my gosh, armored versus daring, parenting, right armored versus daring parenting, and I want to talk about a couple of the points that she makes that fit right into the parenting process, especially those of us that are parenting tweens and teens, because, You know, we've talked about this before, when we're raising tweens and teens, sometimes we can get really uptight and really controlling because we're afraid right like here we are. Things get a little wonky. They get a little shaky. We start to project into the future, dead in a ditch, and we want to tighten down the hatches, right, and we worry and we think we can control. And I feel like that style, that tendency, you know, fits really well underneath this armored leadership umbrella, because we are leaders, ultimately, as parents, we are leaders in the in our family, right? So let's just take a look at a couple of the

distinctions, Okay, a couple of the contrasts between armored versus daring leadership, and talk a little bit about how it fits into parenting. So at the top of the list, armored leaders drive perfectionism and foster a fear of failure, daring leaders model and encourage healthy striving, empathy and self compassion. Now when we put that in the context of parenting right, we can feel those two contrasts when we are looking for, you know, those straight A's no mistakes better not make a mistake when we're using consequences and punishment thinking that we can avoid, you know, thinking that we can. Support our kids in avoiding making mistakes. That's armored like we're really armored up. We've got that fear going on versus modeling and encouraging healthy striving. Right? Modeling and encouraging healthy striving is really about how we are explicit in our own example of trying new things, getting it wrong, making mistakes and then recovering from a mistake and doing better next time, having empathy for others, having self compassion, right? So I loved thinking about being a daring parent is being vulnerable enough to display and be willing to make mistakes and to talk about it with our kids, right to own our mistakes, to be accountable to share those stories of imperfection. That's being a daring parent. Another one of the kind of differences is armored leaders, armored parents, sit inside of being a knower and being right. Like, that's the most important thing that you know, and you're right, right. And I know that all of us have slid into this, like, Come on, we all want. I mean, I know I have. I'll speak for myself, I definitely feel like I know all the things that all the people should be doing. I have the good plan, and I like being right. And sometimes when I'm not paying attention, I really hang on to being right, right, even when I it starts to, you know, kind of it starts to look like I might not be right. You know, when I'm armored up, when I'm in fear, when I'm in that need of to control, I really hang on to being right, versus a daring leader, a daring parent, can sit inside of being a learner and striving towards getting it right, getting it right. Now I have a story. A couple weeks ago, I was home with my daughter, and it was just the two of us, my husband and my son were gone, and in my mind, I was thinking we were going to spend all this, this, like yummy, special time together, and I made us dinner, and we sat down for dinner, and she wasn't really loving the dinner that I made. It was something new. And I asked her if she wanted to take a walk later, and she said, No. And then I said, Well, what do you want to watch? And she said, You know, I might just kind of hang out in my room and my it hurt my feelings, I'll be honest. Like the things kept piling up, and it hurt my feelings. And then I decided in my mind, well, I'm gonna let her This is embarrassing to admit you guys, but I decided in my mind, I'm gonna let her lead this conversation. I'm just I'm done. Like that. Hurt my feelings. She's hurting my feelings. I'm done. So I didn't say anything else. I just sat quietly, and she didn't say anything. And so inside my head, I'm like, God, she's so rude, right? Why does she have to treat me like this? And so I got up and I started doing the dishes. And you know, you know the dish, you start doing the dishes, but it's a little bit extra clanging and banging around. And my daughter was like, Are you mad about something? And I said, No. And then she asked again, and I said, Yeah, you know, I am. It hurt my feelings. You know, it started off that you didn't want what I made, and then you didn't want to take a walk with me, and then you didn't want to hang out with me, and then you wouldn't talk to me. And it hurt my feelings. And she said I was just trying to eat, you know, like we were having two totally different conversations, but I was really attached to feeling like she had hurt my feelings, and I wanted her to apologize for it. I wanted her to own it, and I wanted her to apologize for it. And so I went and did something, and I came back, and she just kind of looked at me, and I said, Well, I'd really just like for you to apologize. And it triggered her, and she got emotionally she got upset. And so I was going to when you got back from your walk and you were feeling better, and I just I went out the door, and I took my walk, and I called my sister, and I left her this rambling voicemail. And as I was speaking into what my experience was, I realized, like, Oh my God, I am really hanging on to this experience that I had, and it being Rowan's fault. And, you know. To me that really kind of, I could have really stuck with that, but instead, I came home and I owned it, and I said, Gosh, you know, I was really passive aggressive, and I was having this whole experience in my head that was mine, and I really wanted you to act a certain way. And I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I brought this whole experience to our evening together, and, you know, and she received the apology and and and reminded me of some things that she's working on that I forgot. And, you know, I was able to shift from being right into getting it right and making it right, and I was glad about that. And again, it takes vulnerability. It takes vulnerability. We have to be courageous enough to be vulnerable and humble. God. Humility is such a powerful parenting tool when we're working with teenagers, right? So always striving towards that daring parenting versus the armored parenting.

And then another one of the daring versus armored dichotomies is armored leaders, armored parents, lead or parent for compliance and control, whereas daring parents, daring leaders, are always Working towards cultivating commitment and shared purpose, and to me, what that that speaks into relationship, right? Daring leaders, daring parents, really trust the power of relationship and trust the power of continuously nurturing and growing and strengthening relationship, versus the idea that our role as parents is to set up an environment where we're getting compliance, or I would say, obedience, and where we're the ones we are getting feedback that we're the ones that have control. So lots of rules, lots of punishment, even rewards fits inside of this armored style of leading and parenting. And this is an interesting one, you know? I mean, it's as I continue to do the work with parents of tweens and teens, and we really explore this relationship centered way of being parents. You know, it's, it feels risky again. It feels vulnerable. It doesn't have the same kind of false structure that we start to, you know, we feel like there's this sense of security around like, okay, they know that if they do XYZ, this will happen, so knowing that that consequence, that punishment is in place, will keep them from going off the rails, right? Like, it gives us this false sense of control when we create this Restrictive Environment thinking that that's what's going to ultimately serve our kids. Now with the relationship, we have to let go of that false sense of of control and really trust, like, right? We have to lean into trust. We have to lean into trust. And that can feel very vulnerable and hard and yeah, and it's not like formulaic, right? That's the other thing too. So many parents that I work with that come to me want to know, well, what do I do? Tell me what to do to make this thing Stop, to make this behavior go away. And and it's interesting to work together and to really start to explore relationship and trust, and trusting the process is huge. It's a, you know, one of the pillars of positive discipline is trusting the process. And the teen years is really a place where that is in full

Speaker 1 29:32
effect, full effect.

Casey O'Roarty 29:39
And then the final contrast that I want to bring up today is the difference between armored leading, armored parenting is leading from a place of hurt, right? My example, my story a little while ago, is an example of that leading from a place. Of hurt, moving from a place of hurt or fear or worry, versus daring, leading. Daring parenting is leading and parenting from heart, from our heart, right? And I think when we lead from our heart, when we parent from our heart, we can be human to human, with our child, with our teen. We can see them, not from the experience of, you know, top down, like I'm the mom, I'm the parent, you're the child. That's why you have to behave be a certain way instead leading from the heart brings us to a horizontal relationship where, yeah, I am the parent and I am the leader, and you are of equal value to me, and I'm going to treat you that way, right? Heart to Heart, I'm going to treat you as if you your needs, your voice is of equal value as mine. Again, requires courage, vulnerability, humility and a deep, deep trust in the process and in relationship. So I would encourage you, if you are not familiar with Brene Brown, where you been? She's amazing. She's got TED Talks. She's got a Netflix special that I was actually at that filming way up in the nosebleed section, but I was there, she's got books. One of her, I mean, she's got many books. One of my favorites is braving the wilderness. She also has dare to lead, as well as many others. Daring Greatly is a classic. The Gifts of Imperfection was the first book I read by her. But her work is really, really powerful. Love her podcast, and it's so much of it translates to The Parenting journey. And so that's really what I wanted to talk about today, is like how the steps that we can take to be more daring and less armored parents where we steps we can take to parent from the heart, instead of parenting From the hurt and the fear, steps that we can take to move more towards getting it right and letting go of being right, steps we can take to model and encourage mistakes and failure and self compassion versus, you know, holding perfectionism and fear of failure inside of our family dynamic. So I hope that that's helpful. I hope that that's thought provoking. Thank you for going on that journey with me today. It was a little bit unscripted today, and thank you. And you know, I really appreciate those of you that are hanging with me through my own wobbly journey through the social justice conversations. I do believe that I have, you know, a purpose, as far as modeling, for all of you, that I am trying to get it right. I know that this is a place where I get to be daring instead of armored. I know that I have blind spots around race and equity and diversity, and I know I have blind spots, I know I have biases, and I hope that in my speaking up and speaking out, I'm also encouraging you to do the Same. So my friends, thank you for hanging with me today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I will be back next week with a very sweet interview for Mother's Day. And look forward to connecting with you on social media. Feel free to shoot me an email, let me know what you think, or a message, and don't forget that the doors to the membership are closing at the end of this week. So go to www dot joyful courage.com/ljc, to find out more and to join us. All right, big. Love. Thank you so much for being a part of the joyful courage community. If you'd like to give back for all the value you gain by listening to the show, an easy thing to do is head over to Apple podcasts and leave a five star review. I'm working so hard to stand out and make a massive impact on families around the globe. Your review helps the joyful courage podcast to be seen by even more parents. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Also follow joyful underscore courage on Instagram and Facebook. We love connecting with you on social media. So grateful for every single one of you listeners, take a deep breath, ride it into your body, find that balcony seat, trust that everything's gonna be okay, and I will see you next week. Love you.