Eps 265: Solo Show- Belief Behind Behavior Deep Dive Part 2: Misguided Power

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
This episode of The joyful courage podcast is brought to you by teen counseling.com. Online counseling for teens anytime, anywhere. Hello, friends. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting tweens and teens, I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer, parent, coach and Mama walking the path right next to you as I am perfectly raised my own two teens. Joyful courage is all about grit, growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone in being their best selves. Today's show is a solo show. I encourage you to listen for how grit shows up as I tease things apart for you. Thank you so much for listening. I am deeply honored to lead you and grateful that what I put out matters so much to you, and I'm really glad to keep it coming. Thank you for who you are and for being in the community. Enjoy the show you Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to the show, my friends. Before we get started, I wanted to shout out from the rooftops a few Apple podcast reviewers so grateful that they took time to share what they love with the world, or at least with Apple podcasts about the show. So back on February 2, VB, hiking lady said, so helpful. I was having difficulty with my teen this week, and got an email link to episode 259, which went into detail on positive parenting. It was so helpful and gave me concrete things to work on, from be chill 13 on February 8, this review came in love this show. Casey has put a lot of care into building this community of parents, and I'm so grateful she covers such a wide variety of parenting topics, the podcast gives me the space I need to process and show up more for my kids. Thank you, Casey. And finally, 1s, D, D, D, G, R, D, C, B, said on February 16, where has this been all my parenting life. So happy to have found this podcast. I absolutely love what Casey is putting out there. I only am in a few episodes, but already feel empowered with support and tools to keep on with this parenting thing. Maybe I'll make it after all. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you these reviews. Well, for one these reviews make me feel really good, because I love hearing directly from you that what I'm creating is useful. So my heart really likes it, and it makes a powerful difference to the exposure that the show is getting. When we get more and more reviews, more parents are shown joyful courage as a consideration on Apple podcasts, the more reviews we get. So I super appreciate the feedback, and I just really appreciate you taking the time to help me share the show with more people. So thanks for that. I also want to give a huge amount of love to all of the parents. Well, first of all, a couple weeks ago, I did a webinar about boundaries, consequences and punishment. I had over 300 people sign up, and then I had nearly 100 people on live with me when the event, you know, when we went live with the event, and it was so awesome. It was so fun to be speaking to such a big crowd, and then it was really powerful to get the feedback from people who were there and who watched the replay about how useful the information was for them. I also want to give a huge amount of love to all the parents that are going through the parenting for the season you're in live course with me, we are 42 plus strong. We started last week, and I am just so honored and grateful to be able to serve parents in this super high touch way. It's so special to connect with you through the podcast, and it just goes next level when we can be an even deeper relationship through working together, whether it's coaching or classes. So I just want to say thank you to everyone who was a yes to the seasons course, and finally, to. My handful of sweet, sweet one on one clients, I am so grateful for you. I love our one on one time together. I love hearing directly from you what's going well, what you're celebrating and where you could use support. It's such an honor to watch people move through this work and make meaningful changes that totally transform the dynamic in their home. So to all of my current one on one clients and my past one on one clients, I love you. And if you're someone who's thinking that coaching one on one, coaching with me, is perhaps something that you're interested in, do you know that you can sign up for a free exploratory call. Yeah, free exploratory call. All you got to do is go over to joyful courage.com actually, let me just double check it. Joyful courage.com/jc, coaching. Joyful courage.com/jc, coaching. And that's my coaching page, and there's a bunch of words there that I talk about coaching, and there's buttons for applying for a free call. This is a 15 minute call where you get to hear more about coaching. I get to hear more about you, and we get to decide, is this a good fit? So if you're into it and you'd like to go deep with me. I do have space available right now. I just have wrapped up with a couple people. So I do have space available. I would love to talk to you about it.

All right, today is a solo show, and we're riding the wave of the belief behind the behavior. Remember? So, yeah, episode 261 which was like a while ago, was an overview of the belief behind the behavior, or the mistaken goals of behavior. This work was shared by Rudolph dreicher, who was a student of Alfred Adler and studied Adlerian theory. And just to remind you, Adlerian theory is the idea that human behavior is motivated by the perceptions of belonging and significance. We're always asking, am I connected? Do I matter? And depending on the answer to those questions, you know will behave certain ways. Positive Discipline is based on Adlerian theory. That's why in the positive discipline program, we focus so deeply on relationship and feeling felt and feeling like we matter. Because what we find when we study Adlerian theory is that mischief, or also known as misbehavior, occurs when we have mistaken beliefs about belonging and significance, our longing for belonging and significance, our wiring for that is what is happening under the surface. Right? Remember the iceberg? Do you know I'm talking about with the iceberg metaphor? You I have many episodes that talk about the iceberg, either episode and I'll put links in the show notes. Episode 129, 177, or 218, are all shows where I talk deeper about the iceberg metaphor, our longing for belonging and significance is what is happening under the surface. Our longing for for and our perception of belonging and significance colors the lens that we see the world out of. Okay, does that make sense to you? Our perception of belonging and significance colors the lens we see the world out of. Back to Rudolf dreichers. He's doing his work studying humans and families and kids, and he starts to see some patterns. He begins to see that there are four places, four mistaken beliefs about belonging and significance that drives kids behavior to look a certain way. Okay, four mistaken beliefs about belonging and significance that shows up as certain types of behaviors. This is where that belief behind behavior chart comes from. So last time I had a solo show two weeks ago, I talked about this concept, belief behind the behavior, and there was a chart that you could download and print out to use as reference. Same chart for this week, same chart. We're just going to look at a different section. Okay, so this is where this chart comes from. And when people said, you know, quit putting kids in boxes to drykers, he responded with, Listen, I'm not putting them there. I keep finding them there. So that. Is the background of this chart, and again, you can find it in the show notes. I encourage you, if you haven't already, to download it and print it out to keep handy. I also want to say, if this happens to be the first time you've ever listened to this podcast, or maybe you've taken a break and you haven't listened recently, I really want you to just pause this episode, go back to 261 listen to that, and then listen to 263 and then come to this one. Okay, because they all are gonna build on each other. In episode 263 we talked about the first mistaken goal, which is known as undue attention. It's our kids believing I count or belong when I'm being noticed or getting special service, I am important only when I'm keeping others busy with me. And I want to tell you something about these beliefs. These beliefs are not character flaws. These beliefs are not our kids being sassy or snarky or bratty or entitled, these beliefs have been developed over time as our children observed the world around them and made meaning about their role and how to find belonging and significance, okay? If you're a three year old, you have three years of life experience to make sense of the fact that now there's a new baby in your life and your parents no longer have time for you, right? You have three years of life experience. So our perception is really developed over time through our experiences. So even if your kid is 16, right, that's still not a lot of life experience to make meaning out of what we are perceiving. Okay, so I just want to, I just want to say that this isn't about bagging on our kids or rolling our eyes at our kids, their beliefs are their truths, right? And we're just gonna acknowledge that and honor that and hold that and use it as information to better understand how we can be in relationship with them in a way that supports them in moving towards a more healthy sense of belonging and significance. So undue attention is the first mistaken goal these kids don't experience feeling connection and mattering. So they do what they can to fill the need and they the first place kids go is like, Hey, do you see me? Like, that's low hanging fruit, right? Like Show me. Show me. You see me. Pay attention to me. I'm going to act pitiful or silly or helpless so that you notice me and you I want to keep you busy with me, because then I know we're good, then I know I'm connected, then I feel safe. And when that need over time, that need for connection, that bid for connection, isn't met, our kids might move into the second mistaken goal, which is also known as misguided power. Now there's a lot of layers here. It's not super clean, right? There are kids like we talked about a couple weeks ago, with temperaments that you know, are showy. You know, look at me. I want to be the center of attention. This is who I am. And there are kids that are hardwired for a feeling of control and power, right? Okay, we're gonna just say yes and yes. And misguided power is a whole nother thing, and it's the second mistaken goal. And remember, perception matters. And again, like I said, it isn't just about perception. It is also about how we are interpreting, making, meaning what we are perceiving. Again, kids are great perceivers. They are not great interpreters. They're underdeveloped interpreters. Their meaning making goes through a very underdeveloped filter. And like I said, this isn't their fault. They only have so much life experience to use for making sense of the world around them. So it makes sense that mistaken beliefs begin to inform them in the ways that they are showing up in the world. Okay? The kid, Oh, hold on a second, okay, the kid who's mistaken goal is misguided power believes all right, I know that I matter, and I feel like I belong when I'm the boss and proving that no one can boss me. Let me say that again, I know that I matter and I feel like I belong when I'm the boss and proving no one can boss me you can't make me do anything. Okay? So if kids have you know areas that need to be filled buckets. That need to be filled. One of the buckets that needs to be filled is a feeling of, you know, that significance, which also is the same as I have influence over my life, or I can make decisions. I can make choices. And sometimes this goes into overdrive when kids interpret that hey, to counter belong here, I've got to be large and in charge, or at least showing you that you're not large and in charge, right? So we're going to tease it apart a little bit more so getting curious about the mistaking goals and beliefs behind behavior. Start with us. Remember, it starts with how our child's behavior makes us feel. A couple weeks ago, I was talking about undue attention, and I mentioned that the physical experience is like, ugh, like having a pesky fly around. The behavior leaves us feeling annoyed and irritated. It's just ah, stop. It's kind of light right up and out, annoying. Well, when the behavior gives us that experience, gives us the experience of our hackles being raised, right? Like, have you ever had something go down? Maybe you ask your tween or teen to empty the dishwasher, and they're just straight up, like, No, I'm not gonna do that. And there's that, like, I inhaled, right? Like, I'm like, like, oh, oh, really. Like, here's my hackles. I get a little bigger, I

lean forward a little bit, and I'm like, Oh, really, you're just, you're just gonna say no, right? And then there's this long list of thoughts around all the things that I could do to really show this kid that actually, no, I'm in charge. I'm the boss, and I can make your life suck if you don't do what I'm asking you to do. I know I'm not alone. I know that some of you feel that way. I know that most of you probably have had moments of feeling this way, it's that feeling of being angry or challenged or threatened or defeated. If that is how you're feeling in response to your child's behavior, you can start making the guess that what you're dealing with is misguided power. And let's just like, peel back the curtain even more, and look at how this typically plays out. And this comes straight from the mistaken goal belief behind behavior chart that you can grab for yourself again in the show notes. So our child does something that raises our hackles so that defiant, like, No, I'm not going to do that. And we feel angry, challenged, threatened, basically, like our authority is being questioned. Like, who the hell do you think you are? Kid? Like, I'm the parent I'm asking you to empty the dishwasher. You need to do it right. We typically respond in a variety of ways. We parents, including fighting with them right, power struggling with them, maybe just giving in fine, maybe thinking you are not going to get away with this, or I will make you do this hand over that phone, or you know you're not going anywhere until it gets done. And we, typically, we have that desire, like I am, right? This needs to happen. So we typically respond like that. Our child typically responds to us by intensifying the behavior, right? So, no, I'm not going to do it. No, I'm not storming off slamming the door. Maybe there was that defiant compliance, like fine. I go in the kitchen, they open up the dishwasher and they put the things away. I've never done that myself. I swear, perhaps our child feels like they've won when we get upset or they use passive power. So again, we can be sure when we're engaging in this kind of dynamic and we are engaging in it. We are a part of the dynamic. It is a dance that we are in with our kids. We can make a pretty solid guess that they are coming from the belief of, I belong only when I'm the boss in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can't make me. And this belief has been developed over time and again, is our child's truth. Now, for those of you that are like, Oh yeah, the power struggles never end, my guess is today isn't the first day that you've had power struggles. Like power struggles, we're looking at themes, right? So if power struggles have been a theme for a while, and it just always feels like you're bumping up against this defiance. I really, really, really hope that you're listening deeply and maybe taking some notes, because here's the way that we add to this beyond you know, the response of fighting or giving in and doing our. Our own passive aggressive moves. Some other ways that adults add to this is believing I'm in control and our kids have to do what we say, not a useful mindset, or maybe our a belief around I believe that telling you what to do and lecturing or punishing you when you don't do it is the best way to motivate you to do better. Okay, sound familiar? Not a useful mindset, or I don't understand the importance of teaching you contributing ways to use your power, right? So those three things get in the way of resolving this and actually feed the flames of misguided power, believing that we're in control and our kids should just do what we say the first time we ask, believing that when they don't lecturing and punishing is the way to get them to do it, and believing that teaching, you know, and not believing, but not understanding the importance of teaching our kids how to contribute in ways that will support them to use their power. Okay, so this, all of this, is a huge place of personal growth and for parents, but I think this particular mistaken goal of misguided power is a huge personal growth and development space for parents, because, if you are not clear yet, we are not in control of our kids and loving, loving well intentioned parents really are hanging on tight to that energetic responsibility of their kids lives, especially tweens and teens. And it's not useful. It's not useful. It's keeping you in this dynamic we are not in control of our kids, and when we can release that and acknowledge that, that provides space and room for our kids to learn how to be in control of themselves, we can't control them, nor do We need to they need to learn how to control themselves. Parents of teens out there, I know you feel me. We can sit in the power struggle and get crazier and crazier with our consequences and what we're willing to do to force compliance from our kids. We can, and we can get really extreme, and we might eventually wear them down. But at what cost? How is relationship nurtured inside of that kind of dynamic, and what are the life skills that our kids are learning when that's the approach that we use now our kids, they speak to us in code, and when misguided power is the belief behind behavior, what they're really wanting us to hear is that they want us. They want choices, and they want to know how to help in meaningful ways. And I would add that teens really want the acknowledgement of how capable they are, that we see them as capable. So much of what we do and say to our teens leaves them with messages around I don't trust you. I don't think you're capable. Let me just do everything for you. Those boundaries get blurred and it's a mess. So what do we do? We find ourselves in this dynamic here we are. First thing is that acknowledgement that you can't make your child do something, we can't make them, but we can redirect them to positive power by asking for help. And if you are someone who is in a power struggle all the time with your teen. I would encourage you. Before you even get to these responses and encouragement, I would invite you to go to your teen and acknowledge the part that you've been playing in the power struggle. Acknowledge that you do less asking and more demanding. Acknowledge that maybe some of the messages they've gotten from you is that you know they don't do enough, or that they're lazy. Just acknowledge the stuff that's gone down and acknowledge your part. That's really it. Acknowledge your part and apologize and let them know you know what I you are getting older. It's super important to me that you feel a sense of agency and influence over your life. I want you to feel like you design your life and. And there's a lot of places that I realized that I have been super controlling, and I'm sorry about that, and I'm going to be pulling back. I'm going to be pulling back and and there's things like helping out around the house and taking responsibility for your own stuff. That's all part of this, acknowledging and sharing power. So I will be asking you for help, and I really want to hear your voice around the ways that you would like to make contributions. Okay, so that's that's one way that it could sound. I

uh, offering limited choices. So something that I'll say is okay, guys, the the carpet needs to be vacuumed, the floor needs to be swept, and the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. I'll do one of those things. What are the things that you guys are willing to do? And the kids will real quick say, I'll vacuum, I'll sweep. Okay, great. Don't fight and don't give in. So please empty the dishwasher. Now, I'm not going to do that. Oh, okay. Go over. Sit down. Take a breath, calm yourself down. So I'm hearing that you don't really want to help me with the dishwasher, and I see that you're busy. And there's a couple other things that can be done. So how are you willing to contribute tonight? Right? Withdraw from the conflict and calm down. Right? Sometimes we get we can, like, I think of it as our kids kind of, like, cast a hook, like a fishing pole. They cast the hook, and they say, like, No, I'm not gonna do that. That's stupid. And we grab it, and then we're stuck in, like, why do you gotta be so disrespectful? Why can't you just do what I ask? Right? Recognize you're there when you're there, and withdraw from the conflict to go calm down to your own self regulation. Be kind and firm. Act don't talk. Decide what you will do. Hey, you know what I am an empty the dish rack, and I will leave the dishwasher for you to do. Let me know when you're done, and we can head out to, you know, practice when that's complete. Okay, now I'm not dangling that like, well, listen here, sunny, I'm not gonna take you Sunny. I don't ever say that. But, you know, like, I'm not gonna take you where you want to go till you get that done, that's not the vibe, that's not the energy. It's really about like, okay, great. Well, I am happy to take you once this gets done, let routines be the boss. Maybe you need to do a little routine creating with your kids. Maybe it's time to revamp, revisit the routines. I am so excited. Side note, I'm creating something for all of you called a house rules audit, which is going to be an opportunity for a one on one call with me, where you're going to share the systems that you've got going in your house that don't seem to be very useful and get some feedback from me, super excited about that. So know that that's coming. But let routines be the boss. Develop mutual respect. Mutual respect is respecting the child in front of you, and that shows up in how you know, our tone of voice, our body language, the words that we use the energy that we bring as well as respecting ourselves and the situation. And then sometimes it's about just asking for help from the teen. Like, hey, you know, I noticed that when I ask you to do something around the house, you often don't want to, and I'm just wondering, like, how, how does it feel for you when I'm asking you to help out? Like, what comes up for you, right? So getting curious with them, and hey, I need, I need your help. And here's the way it's going to look. Working that out together, co creating that together, practicing follow through is important, and then also using family meetings and one on one conversations as a place to joint problem solving. Joint problem solve, finding solutions to the problem that you're happy, that you're having the power struggles that are showing up. And I would encourage you to start to pay attention to where you know, sometimes it feels like, Ugh, my kids defiant no matter what I'm trying to get them to do. But I want you to see if you can't drill down and find specifically times of day certain asks, like, what is it? Where. The Power Struggle shows up. And remember, these are not I don't want you to hear this as and here's how to get your kid to do what you want, tips. That's not what this is about. This is really about how to create a home and family dynamic that redefines your child's belief about belonging and significance. Right now, if you're in a lot of power struggles, your child or teen's belief is about I matter, I belong when I'm the boss, or proving that you can't boss me. And we are so wired for belonging and significance that that belief is going to drive power struggle, defiant behavior. So really, the work isn't, how do I get my kid to do what I want? The work is, how do I nurture relationship and create that home environment so that my child feels a healthy sense of belonging and significance. It's not about tricking them. It's about supporting them and providing the optimal environment for all of you to feel the dignity and respect that you are all worthy of. All right, if you practice some of these solutions and proactive responses and you find that they aren't useful, then your child is probably coming from a different belief, a different mistake and goal, and we're going to get there for this week. Shout out to all the parents who are feeling angry, those hackles are raised, all of you in the power struggle, I see you, and a big shout out to all the teens who are so desperately wanting to feel as though they have influence over their lives, but are going about it in a way that isn't so useful. Next week will be another interview show, and after that, we'll come back together to dive into the third mistaken goal, which is revenge. Thank you so much for listening. I so appreciate it. Lovey, lovey, love you.

Yay. Listeners, listeners, listeners, thanks again for being here with me this week. If you feel inspired and you haven't already, do me a favor, head over to Apple podcasts and leave a review. Please, please, please. We are working hard to stand out and make a huge impact on families around the globe, but we want to grow, grow, grow our reach and your review helps the joyful courage podcast to be seen by ever more parents. Thank you and leave me a review. I might just read it on the podcast, and that feels super special. Also follow joyful underscore courage on Instagram and Facebook. I love, love, love connecting with you on social media. Finally, don't forget our sponsor, teen counseling.com is there for you and your teen, the world is weird right now, the world is weird, and our teens are having a hard time. And again, I say this a lot. It's not a character flaw. The world is weird, like, really, really weird, and they're trying to make sense of it, and it's just not really working out for them. So get them the help they need at teen counseling.com. If you go to teen counseling.com/jc, teen you'll get 10% off on the first month. All right. Huge love. I'll see you next week.