Eps 263: Solo Show- Belief Behind Behavior Deep Dive Part 1: Undue Attention

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:05
Kay, Hello, friends. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where we tease apart what it means to be a conscious parent and a conscious human on the wild ride of parenting. I am your host. Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer, parent coach and mom walking the path right next to you as I imperfectly raise my own two teenagers. Joyful courage is all about grit growth on the parenting journey, relationships that provide a sense of connection and meaning and influential tools that support everyone and being their best selves. Today's show is a solo show, and I encourage you to listen for how grit shows up as I tease things apart. Thanks so much for listening. I am deeply honored to lead you. I am grateful that what I put out matters to you, and I am so stoked to keep it coming. Thank you for who you are and for being in the community. Enjoy the show.

Welcome back to the show, my friends. Before I get started, I want to shout out to the parents of the joyful courage for parents of teens. Facebook group, you guys are amazing. There has been a lot of sharing and posting and support going on in there, and I just want to say, well done. You all. I am so impressed every time with how you are showing up there, the support you're giving each other, the compassion, the open mindedness. It's all so good and so safe and so wonderful. So thank you to everyone in that group for who you are and how you show up for each other. Okay, a couple of weeks ago, I published a show called getting curious about the belief behind behavior. I spent time sharing with you about where the belief behind behavior chart comes from a little bit about positive discipline, the difference between the behaviorist theory that so many of us were raised with and positive discipline the way that so many of us want to be raising our children. Now if you didn't listen to that show, you may want to pause this show and go back and give it a listen, and just to remind those of you who did listen to that show the come from here is that human behavior is movement in the direction of belonging and significance, remember that human behavior is movement in the direction of belonging and significance. And one way to make sense of that is to consider that misbehavior, what I like to call mischief. Misbehavior, comes from mistaken beliefs about belonging and significance perception matters, matters a lot, and mistaken beliefs show up and are formed through how we perceive different situations and experiences in our life. And it isn't just about perception, it's also about how we are interpreting what we are perceiving. And here's the deal, kids are great perceivers and not so great interpreters. Their meaning making goes through a very underdeveloped filter. Does that make sense? How they make meaning comes from very limited life experience, right? And it's not their fault. They only have so much life experience to use for making sense of the world around them. So of course, mistaken beliefs begin to inform them in way and the ways that they are showing up in the world, right? So they see situations, they make the meaning, they start to form beliefs. Some of those beliefs get a little bit wonky because they simply don't have the life experience needed to make meaning that is a little bit more useful or appropriate. Right belonging and significance is huge. You can think of this as the goal of by behavior. The goal of behavior is to find and to feel a sense of belonging and significance. That's why the behavior chart, the belief behind behavior chart that I'm going to be referencing in the next four solo episodes, is also known as the mistaken goal chart. You're going to hear me reference both of these things. They're the same. Now let me just pause for a second, because I feel like I just talked at you. So belief behind behavior. I talk about the iceberg all the time, right? I talk to my clients about the iceberg. I talk in my groups about the iceberg. Iceberg is basically at the tip of the iceberg is the behavior that is annoying or the behavior that is unwanted, right? And you've heard me say before, yes, we. Can chip away at the top trying to get our kids to stop whatever that behavior is, or we can go into what's under the surface, right? That's where the belief behind the behavior lives. That's where the mistaken goals, right? The mistaken ideas, the mistaken beliefs about belonging and significance. Live under the surface. So that's really what we're talking about here. Last solo show. So episode 261, I walked us through four mistaken goals, four different beliefs that can show up that fuel behavior. The first one being undue attention, the second one being misguided power, the third being revenge, and the fourth being avoidance, also known as assumed inadequacy. So before I go any further, I want to be sure to let you know that there is a downloadable mistaken goal chart available in the show notes. I'm going to be using it as a guide for all of these episodes. So get your hands on that.

This show, we are going to dive into the first mistaken goal undo attention. Now, before we get into this, I want to highlight that I hear a lot of parents complaining about their kids' behavior and saying, Oh, they just want attention, or they're just doing it for attention, as if attention is a really bad thing to be seeking. I want to challenge you all on this. I want to challenge you in seeing the child who just wants attention, as a child who is actually longing for connection now as an adult, when we look at connection versus attention, I'm hoping that you can see that one holds a lot more value when we're talking about connection, right? Two people in relationship, feeling seen and heard by each other, versus attention. Right? Attention is really surfacey. Look at me, look at me. See me, see me, acknowledge me. So the wiring for belonging is so strong that kids will settle for attention if that's all they can get. But what they really want, what their deepest desire is, is to feel a sense of connection with the adults in their lives. It's big, bigger than we give it credit for, and as those of us raising adolescent kids know something that can come with the territory is our kids pushing us away, spending more and more time in their room, seemingly not wanting to engage with us, not wanting to be connected. And yet the wiring remains that desire for belonging is so strong during the teen years, and granted, it's a lot more expansive, right? They want to belong with their friends. They want a place of belonging at school, and they do want a want to feel belonging in the family. However, there's this quote. I don't know who said it, but I love it. The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways. The kids who have the deepest desire and need for belonging will ask for it in the most unloving ways. I don't know who said that, but it is true, no matter your child's mistaken goal. Our kids long for connection and will settle for attention when our child's goal is undue attention. The belief is I count or belong only when I am being noticed or getting special service, I know that I'm important when I'm keeping you busy with me right now. Again, I work with a lot of parents who are always trying to figure out how to get kids to stop doing the things, the risky behaviors, the defiance, the backtalk and so often forget, like I said earlier, there is more going on under the surface. Or they remember, and they say, but I don't know what's going on under there. I can't engage my kids. Good news. You don't have to. You have more information than you realize. We just don't often pay attention to this one particular stream of information, tuning into how the behavior makes you feel, remember, I talked about this a couple episodes ago. Tuning into how the behavior makes you feel, you can make a guess that the behavior has the underlying belief of undue attention when your kids are longing for connection and are acting out because. Because they're not feeling a healthy sense of connection. When the behavior leaves you feeling annoyed or irritated. I'm laughing because like, Oh my God, everything makes me feel annoyed and irritated. But let's just drill it down and get really, really specific. I think of annoyed and irritated as that experience of having a pesky fly that won't leave me alone, you know, like we're like, brushing it off. Try that like, oh, there's fly. Get away. Get away. Fly. Stop it. Super annoying, right? Super annoying. Doesn't make me want to scream and yell. Doesn't make me feel like I've been personally hurt. I'm just annoyed. It's annoying. Stop, go away. Fly. So what might be some behaviors that leave you feeling this way when I've asked parents before, some of the behaviors that come up are when our kids interrupt us, talk over us, when they're sibling bickering, knuckle cracking, whining, and there's a million things they whine about, right? Whining about homework or chores or meals. One thing that my son does that is super annoying is that he'll walk into the room, he'll come upstairs, and he'll have his headphones on, and he'll be like doing his little hip hop dancing and staring at me, right? The message is super loud and clear. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Mom, right? It's a it's annoying and it's kind of cute. It's kind of annoying too. So the behavior happens, whatever that is, our feeling is annoyed and irritated. What do we typically do in response? Typically we say we remind them, like, Hey, knock it off. That's annoying. Please stop try to coax them, you guys, you know enough with the fighting. Come on. You know how to problem solve. Or we might step in and do things for our kids that they could really be doing for themselves, like, you know, when they're doing, you know, quote, doing the dishes and it's and they're whining about it and complaining about it to the point where we're like, Fine, I'll do it with you, or I'll just do it because I want clean dishes and I'm tired of listening to you. And then after we respond that way. How do they typically respond? Well, the annoying behavior might stop temporarily, but later on, there it is again. Or there's some other annoying behavior, right? Or they stop when they're getting that one on one attention, that one on one connection. So if this is the dance you're in and you're over it. Chances are, like I said at the top, the belief your child holds is I belong only when I'm being noticed or getting some kind of special service, I'm important only when I'm keeping you busy with me. We parents love us, love us, but we contribute to these beliefs, and we have our own misguided beliefs. Right? Here's when we are a part of the problem, when we don't have faith in our kids to deal with disappointment, when we feel guilty that our kids aren't happy, and when it's easier to just step in and do for our kids than to watch them struggle, right? Anyone relating to this, anyone relating to this, my guess is maybe, here's the gold what our kids are actually saying to us through those super annoying behaviors is, notice me, involve me usefully, right? So listen, we're taking apart one mistaken goal here. What your child is currently throwing down might not fit inside of this week's goal, but don't worry, we're going to get to other misguided beliefs and goals in the coming week. Coming weeks. This week is for those of you who are resonating with this undue attention vibe, notice me. Involve me. Usefully. That is what they're actually saying. That's the coded message, the whining, the bickering, you know, the humming, the interrupting, notice me, involve me usefully. They don't have the tools or the skills to identify what it is that they need and ask for it in a way that's less annoying. And yes, some of our kids are performers. Some of them have a variety of diagnoses and needs that amplify this need to be seen and for connection. I'm offering this idea up as a possibility for you to hold undo attention. So if reminding and coaxing and just doing the task for our child isn't doing the trick, which my guess is that it isn't, what should we be doing? So if you have downloaded. By the mistaken goal chart that I put in the show notes, or just know that it's there. And once you download it, you will see a final chart, a final column of the chart. It's all the way over on the right hand side, and it's so good you guys. It's where all the magic lives. So remember when I said that they are wired for belonging and significance and that misbehavior shows up when they have mistaken ideas about how to get there. Okay, listen, this is good. The behavior you're dealing with is actually your child's solution to how they are perceiving belonging and significance. What I know, okay, I'm gonna say that again, the

behavior that you are dealing with is actually your child's solution to how they are perceiving their own sense of belonging and significance. So we get to change up our goals. Okay, instead of asking, How do I get my kid to stop doing this thing, we ask, How can I support my child in feeling a greater sense of belonging and connection, so that they don't have to Panhandle for it in ways that are so annoying. Okay, they're not really panhandling, but you know what I mean, right? Like the cheap ways of getting belonging and significance, we want to figure out how we can support them in developing that sense of connection so that we can lessen the level of annoying and irritating behaviors that shows up. Okay? So I'm going to go through the things that are on the list, the proactive solutions for behavior that fits inside of undue attention. So the first solution is redirecting by involving them in a useful task so that they can gain some useful attention. Not only that, when we involve our kids in useful tasks, we're actually adding to their sense of significance and purpose, okay, redirecting them. Hey, I could use some help. Even better, if we can say, hey, you know what? I can use some help. Will you come sit with me, and we'll go through and fold your laundry. Let's fold your laundry together, right? Say what you will do. I love you, and so, for example, I love you, and I would love to watch those fancy dance moves when I wasn't in the middle of emailing a client, right? I love you, and I know that you and your brother can solve this problem, so I'm gonna head out you guys can take care of it, avoid special services. So when your kids are whining about not being able to complete something or do something, or, you know, they're disappointed about an outcome at school or with friends. We, some of us, have a really hard time with their discomfort, and so we sometimes swoop in and take care of things and fix and do all those things. So I am here to say your child will develop a deeper sense of belonging and significance when we stop doing that, when we let them know I have faith in you. I know you can send that email to your teacher and ask for more feedback about your grade, or ask for a possibility for some extra credit, and I'm here for you if you need some support with doing that, but quit doing for especially those of you that are listening with high school aged kids, step back right and also say it only once and and then act right sometimes, sometimes when we get engaged in a back and forth With our kids, and they're looking to keep us busy with them. Mission accomplished, right? When we continue to stay there, I have a beautiful, wonderful client who, you know, talks to me about this a lot. We get to say, I love you, and I'm done with this conversation. We're done with this conversation, right? I love you. This is the boundary. I love you. I see you. Please stop and then act, move away, walk out of the room. Carry on. Have faith in your child to deal with their feelings. That kind of goes along with special services plan one on one time. Okay? And I hear, I see you parents out there who are like, Oh my God, my teenager won't even look me in the eye. My teen won't talk to me. Okay, so there might be some baby steps to bridging the gap, to get to the place where you can spend some one on one time together. But don't hear me say, you know. Uh, plan a magical, uh, afternoon skipping through fields of flowers and having the most meaningful conversations ever with your teen. No. Plan to watch a show with them. Let them pick it right. Ask questions or don't just be quiet and be grateful that you get to sit near them and think energetically. Wrap those arms, wrap your energetic arms around them and squeeze them and kiss them and love them energetically and celebrate that you've managed to get them out to the living room to watch a show with you. Right? One on one, time is super important, and however you can get it, celebrate it, especially when our kids are teens. And for some of us, it might simply be like, Hey, I wanted to do a little one on one time with you. Let's go get a coffee drink, or let's take a drive. Or is there a show you want to watch with me? You know, offer some ideas and then let them decide, but hold that the one on one time is happening. Involve your kids in creating routines, right? This is a great way to fill up that connection, because our kids start to feel like, you know, they don't have any voice, and that they don't matter when we dictate all the things to them, right? So it's actually supporting them, and this belief about keeping you busy with them by creating routines with them, and I've talked a lot about routines on the podcast, sometimes we just need to ignore the annoying behavior or, you know, give a little pat on the shoulder, but not go into why what they're doing is so annoying. Maybe set up some nonverbal signals and also involving our kids in finding solutions during family meetings or one on one. You know, hey, I noticed that when I step in the room, you and your brother do a lot of back and forth bickering. I'm curious what's going on. How can we support what's the solution to this problem?

Right? So those are some of the ideas from the mistaken goal chart, and I want you to keep in mind, when listening to those ideas, that these are kids that are looking for connection. They are longing for it. So the suggestions above are designed to support evolving their belief to I belong. I'm connected, instead of I belong only when I'm the center of attention or keeping you busy with me, and actually, now that I say that, and I'm thinking about you, parents with teens that don't want anything to do with you, or that's your perception, I want to let you know that in a few weeks, we are going to talk about some different mistaken goals, which might be exactly where your teen finds themself right now, and the suggestions and solutions that I offer from the chart are going to feel like they fit better, because remember, kids who whose mistaken goal is undue attention, are kids that want that are looking for that connection, that are looking for that connection. So the suggestions are designed to support that evolving belief, right? Instead of I belong only when I'm the center of attention or keeping you busy with me, we want them to just have that inner compass, that inner sensation of, oh, I belong. I'm connected. Sometimes when I feel myself becoming super annoyed and irritated, and just so you know, it happens a lot. I turn to my child and I ask, are you looking for some love? Are you not feeling super connected to me? And I couple that with some playfulness and some lightness, which helps me slide out of my moodiness, and it influences the energy of the challenging behavior. Here's the thing, if you practice some of these solutions and proactive responses and find again that they aren't useful, your child is probably coming from a different belief, a different mistaken goal, we will get there for this week, shout out to all the parents who are feeling annoyed and irritated I see you, and a big shout out to all the teens out there who are so desperately wanting to connect with their parents but unsure on how to ask. Next week, we'll have an interview, and after that, we will come back together to dive into the second mistaken goal, misguided power. Know that you can always jump in to the joyful courage for parents of teens Facebook group and ask more questions about this concept of undue attention, this mistaken goal, and I will be there, happy to discuss and tease it apart further with you. Thank you so much for listening.

All right, yay. If you feel inspired and you haven't already, will you do me a favor and head over to Apple podcast and leave a review. We work so hard to stand out and make a massive impact on families around the globe, and your review helps the joyful courage podcast to be seen by even more parents. Thank you so much. Also, if you haven't already, follow joyful underscore courage on Instagram and Facebook, we love connecting with you on social media, and don't forget to sign up for the upcoming webinar getting clear on boundaries, consequences and punishment, middle school and beyond. You can sign up now at joyful courage.com/webinar have a beautiful day. My friends.