Transcription
Casey O'Roarty 0:01
Courage, parenting podcast episode 22
Hey, podcast listeners, welcome back to the show. So glad that you're tuning back in, that you're finding value here, at least some entertainment. As I record this very moment. It is December 10. It's December 10, people, why do I not really feel like I should be doing anything in preparation for the holidays? I don't know. I've just kind of blocked everything out, and I'm acting like I've got weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks ahead of me to do things like buy stuff, make stuff, send stuff in the mail, address things. I did actually order my Christmas card set yesterday, so yay me for that. But yeah, I'm just kind of in denial, and this is how it happens every year and every year, I think I'm gonna be more on top of it. I'm gonna start earlier. And by starting, I don't mean like crazy consumerism, Black Friday, looking for deals, buying a bunch of crap. I just mean like preparing myself, being thoughtful, planning every year, every year, I give myself a pep talk about what the following year is going to look like, and guess what the following year rolls around, and it's all of the same, all of the same. So I got really excited last week when one of the Facebook groups I'm in, full of really fabulous parent educators, many of whom have been on this show interviewed by yours truly. I saw that one of the participants in a group that I'm in had a ebook that was going live around the chaos of the Christmas season. And I know that not everybody celebrates Christmas, and there's lots of different ways to celebrate Christmas, but you know, basically this is a guide for regardless of what the holiday is that you celebrate during this time of year. It is this useful resource for how to shift your mindset around this time of the year, because regardless of what you're celebrating, you are seeing family members. You have expectations. You're probably eating lots more sweets the kids. You know, there's a elevated level of excitement and anticipation for the kids, for the parents, for everybody, and a lot of times it just leads to craziness, craziness in the mind, right? Maybe it's just my mind, but I'm pretty sure that if this lady has written a book about it, it's not just my mind that feels like this. So I said, of course, like I say, whenever I am inspired by people, I say, Hey, do you want to be on the podcast? And she said, Yes. So I am super excited that Amanda ruder is going to be interviewed with me today this that's who you're going to listen to today, and her blog is called Dirt and boogers.com which, who doesn't want to read a blog called Dirt and bookers.com? Well, maybe if you don't have kids, or you've chosen not to have kids, you think that's gross, but if you've had kids, if you have kids, you know, dirt and boogers are a part of the deal. So Amanda. Amanda is was a mental health counselor, and she worked with children and mothers in both individual and group counseling environments, and then she became a stay at home mom with her two young boys. So she has her bachelor's degree in child development and family studies, Master's in Counseling, where she has specialized in play therapy. Sounds like the best kind of therapy. So she left her job in 2010 when she had her oldest son and her husband's in the military, and we talked a little bit about that, and man, my heart goes out to all of you military families out there, because life is stressful enough, but when you're not sure how long you're gonna be in a particular place, or you're missing your spouse for like, months and months and months at a time, you know that's a whole extra layer. That's a whole extra layer right now my husband. Is out doing storm work locally, and we'll see him in a couple days, nothing compared to husbands and wives leaving town to go and be in places that are unstable or unsafe. So just shout out to military families and all that you endure for our country, I am grateful, and now, how about we? How about we take a listen and meet Amanda?
Hey there, Amanda. I'm so excited to talk to you today. You know, it's funny because I think I'm in denial. I think I'm in denial that we're in the holiday season. I have done no shopping. I just ordered my Christmas cards on Vistaprint this morning with the idea that I'm gonna get it all just finished magically. But yeah, so we're in the throws. Most people are in the throes of the holiday craze, who are paying attention? Tell the listeners a bit about your family and your ebook, because that is what I'm really excited to talk to you about. You have this fabulous ebook and what inspired you to write it.
Amanda Rue 6:15
Okay? So, yeah, so I'm writing an ebook, or I've written an ebook, excuse me, about the holidays and stress. A lot of my blog is about parental anger and frustration, and I know that the most stressful time of year is during the holidays, and that's the time when most moms kind of lose their stuff, you know, and they lose control, and they find themselves yelling and frustrated and angry, and then they get frustrated that they're making the holidays worse in their minds. You know, because they can't, you know, they can't stay calm because of all this, you know, all the stress that's happening. And I've been on a stop yelling kick for a couple years now with my own family, I have a five year old and an almost three year old, two little boys, and my husband's in the military, so we move frequently. I think my five year old has lived in like five or six different houses, like we've been moving just on the go. And so we live a kind of a stressful life. And so I'm finding myself that when life gets stressful. I just I lose it with my kids, so I've taken the vet challenge to stop yelling, and I've challenged my readers to stop yelling, and this ebook is just another piece of that, and really focusing on this type of year and how to stop yelling at your kids, and how to really have a calm, happy holiday that we all want.
Casey O'Roarty 7:40
So yeah, well, and I that makes sense, like, even as you were talking about, you know, that stressful life, and for you, it's moving around, I can imagine, too, when your husband gets deployed, that adds a whole other layer. I have a husband who does storm work on power lines, and I know when he's gone, there's this just this little layer of stress. And even as I talk about it like I feel this kind of clench, like a closing off, yes, and I know, and I speak into this with parents too, when we're there in that physical space, we really don't have a lot of tools available to us when our kids show up, challenging,
Amanda Rue 8:23
yeah, and I think a lot of times, like I grew up in a yelling household. My family is a house of yellers, and it's kind of like a generational thing, and so whenever I get really stressed out, I go back to what I know and what I was raised with, and all that stuff that I've learned throughout the years, gets pushed in the back, because what matter, or what I remember, is what happened to me, and that's what I do to my kids, and that's not, you know, it's not what I want to do, the parent I want to be,
Casey O'Roarty 8:52
yeah, it's not that helpful. No, I remind myself like I might be lecturing right now, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be ineffective in the long term, but, yeah, yeah, so, and then there's this holiday layer, right? That shows up, and I think everyone that's listening can relate to having these expectations about this joyful time of the year. And we just finished Thanksgiving, and it's a time of gratitude, and it's about giving and not receiving. And then, you know, we get so crazy and negative around how it actually turns out, right, right? And it's
Amanda Rue 9:33
when I started writing the book, I had a hard time zoning in on what exactly it was that made this holiday stressful, because there's so many different things. There's expectations from our family members, expectations from ourselves that we're going to make this holiday awesome. There's financial issues because it's expensive. There's no just dealing with our extended family and trying to make sure that we're doing everything we need to do for. Them. There's travel for some people who have to, you know, go see their family. You know, there's a lot of different stuff that make this one month just like crazy. So I try to focus on each one of those, you know, in the book. But I'm sure there's something I left out stressful.
Casey O'Roarty 10:16
I know. I don't think there's much you left out. Because, okay, I was reading down that list, I was like, oh yeah. It was almost like, Oh right, yeah. I should be way more stressed out than I am right now. I forgot all about those things.
Amanda Rue 10:28
Oh well, it hopefully doesn't make you more stressful. No, no, no, okay, no.
Casey O'Roarty 10:31
Because, as I kept reading, your offers for solutions were so helpful. Oh, good. I mean, it's just, it's such a great offer so but the funny thing to me is always and something that when I'm working with parents and it's the holidays or it's after school or it's morning routine, Like we have these expect, you know, it's that
you are walking down the street and you see a hole and you fall into it. And then you're walking down the street and you see a hole and you fall into it. Like, how long do we have to wait before we actually take precautions and walk around the hole? Like, same thing with the holidays, right? We know what they feel like. We know what the stresses are going to be, and yet we still, we continuously roll into it, and we're like, Oh my gosh. I can't believe it feels like this. I know. Why are we always so surprised and disappointed every year? I don't
Amanda Rue 11:33
know. Maybe it's because we have a gear off and it's kind of like childbirth, like you forget how terrible it is, you know, until it rolls around again. I don't know what it is, yeah, I
Casey O'Roarty 11:42
think that's probably it. We remember the good we forget about, like, oh, right, I mean, and that's what
Amanda Rue 11:47
I have to remind myself when it comes to the holidays, is that my children are going to remember, more than likely, the good stuff, the magic, the fun, the excitement. They're not going to remember that I burnt the cookies or that, you know, great aunt, Jean was screaming, they may remember that, but was drunk at the holiday party, or they, you know, they may not remember all the bad stuff. They're more likely to remember the good stuff, just like we do.
Casey O'Roarty 12:10
Yeah, as you were doing research for your book, what do you what did you and through your blog and the conversations you have with parents, what do you think are the biggest triggers that show up during the holidays, right?
Amanda Rue 12:21
I mean, I did a survey of my readers, as well as I've got a stealth healing group, and I asked them as well, kind of what stressed them out. The biggest things were financially being able to give their children and buy the all the gifts, what they wanted. And so they felt that financial pull extended family was a big one. And surprisingly, I don't know why I was surprised by this, but grief, like a lot of them, have lost loved ones along the way, and it really bubbles up around the holidays, so I tried to address that a little bit in the book as well. But grief was a really big one as well. Yeah.
Casey O'Roarty 12:59
Oh, that makes sense, right? We don't always think about it if it's not part of our reality,
Amanda Rue 13:05
right? It totally when it, when I started reading it, I was like, Oh, that makes a lot of sense, but I just never, it's been a long time since I've lost someone, so I just had forgotten how impactful that was. But yeah, yeah, that's really big. But a lot of it was just that expectations that they can't provide, or they can't give what they would like to give for their children. So
Casey O'Roarty 13:26
and then, you know, when I do, I was telling you, before we started recording, I do a holiday workshop kind of thing, a workshop around the holidays that's all about, kind of like, helping to manage the moment to moment stress around the parenting piece. Because, you know, your book talks about, you know, kind of those overarching stressors that are affecting parents. And then we show up in front of our kids, and we have that certain level, that certain energy around like, if my, if one of my children tells me what they want again, right? I'm like, so quick. I'm like, let's talk about gratitude. Yeah, let's talk like, you know. And then they, you know, we say that, and yet our culture is so consumed. And I know you're way up in Alaska, and in my mind, you're like, in the bush, but I'm sure you actually live in a town, I do, but there, I mean, it's like, so consumer driven. It's such a consumer driven time of year. And then, as parents, it's like, how could you, how can you keep asking, or look at this list of things you want, you know, how could you? How could you when every message that kids are receiving right now is around, like, what do you want for Christmas? What do you ask for it. Here's the cool toy, here's the latest, you know, electronic. Here's the newest pairs of shoes, you know. And so when I talk to parents, and we talk, especially with the youngest kids, or we go to like these family gatherings, and you talk about this in your book, which I think is really awesome, the scheduling that you. Do when you go and visit family, brilliant. But even being in those like family gatherings and that heightened sense of, we want our kids to show up, well, right? We want them to, quote, behave, you know, and being proactive with them, talking about, you know, at Grandma's house, you know, what are the expectations at Grandma's house, what might it look like at the table? What's the minimum amount of time I want you to sit at the table? How will you know when it's okay to get up? Let's come up with a silent signal, right? So having those kinds of proactive conversations with our kids before we get to the party even can be helpful.
Amanda Rue 15:40
It can certainly be helpful, because less than we want our children to just go crazy around the holidays, you know, so we have to teach, especially around our family. We don't want to be that person with, you know, the crazy kids, because everybody, most families that I know of have, you know, oh, that's that family, that part of the family and their kids are kind of nuts, you know, and you don't want to be that part of the family, you know what I mean, right?
Casey O'Roarty 16:04
And everyone, yeah, and everyone who doesn't actually have kids has a really skewed idea around what's actually developmentally appropriate, right, right?
Amanda Rue 16:12
Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Really stressful. It is terribly stressful for parents because you don't want your family to dislike your children, or, you know, not understand them.
Casey O'Roarty 16:23
Ellen, don't you think we do enough self judgment, like the last thing we need is the people around us to be judging us as well? Yeah,
Amanda Rue 16:30
yeah, exactly. And honestly, I don't know about you, but like, when it comes to parenting, I am my own worst critic. So my children can be acting beautifully, and other people can be thinking they're great, but if they do one little thing, I'm on them, you know, like crazy, because to me, they're doing this terrible, horrible thing, and everybody's like, No, it's great. It's fine, but I'm so hypersensitive to their behaviors,
Casey O'Roarty 16:55
right? So especially around family, yeah, so
Amanda Rue 16:59
I feel this underlying level of stress or hyper vigilance that I'm always like watching my children, and then I don't know. It feels like that's just how the holidays are. It's just like this underlying level of stress and hyper vigilance with your kids, with your family, with your spouse, with you know, everybody. It's like, I'm always anxious.
Casey O'Roarty 17:20
I don't know, right? And I know that it's often a time too, and we forget that we actually have tools that are more effective than a stern voice and a pointy finger, right, like right connecting with them. Wow, that is a really. That is some yummy candy in that bowl, and we can have three pieces after dinner, right, right, right? Or are you going to sit on a pillow on that chair? Or do you want to sit up on your knees so that you can reach your dinner? Right? Right? So using those tools, I mean, that's what I noticed, too. Is just that stress, that energy, that self judgment, and I'm totally relating to what you're saying, kind of Trumps the fact that I know I have some skills. And if I can just pause and recognize that I'm in this dress, and take some deep breaths and drop my shoulders, find my calm body, then it's like, Oh yeah, yeah,
Amanda Rue 18:11
I know how to do this. I know how to do it's almost like you, you're like, I need this to stop right now. And like, you get into this crisis mode of, like, My child has to stop doing this right now. Like, how do I get them to stop? And so you make, you know, impulsive decisions instead of actually thinking through and using those skills
Casey O'Roarty 18:26
that you have. Yeah, yeah. So, calm down, everybody. Relax
Amanda Rue 18:30
down. Yeah. So, handout on how to calm down, awesome.
Casey O'Roarty 18:34
Yes, I know that's what I was just gonna say. Your ebook, it's full of super helpful and relevant tips and ideas, and you've got some PDFs that parents can click and and enjoy. What is your what are the parts that you lean into the most in your own holiday experience? What are you finding yourself
Amanda Rue 18:54
using the most? I'm trying really hard to like this holiday is kind of different for us, because we're not traveling, and it's the first time, yeah, since my children have been born, that we haven't gone back home to see family, mainly because we live in Alaska, and it's hard to get back and and we just got here, so we don't want to pack up and leave right now. And it's for me, it's trying to understand that I'm grieving a little bit myself because I'm not able to kind of have the holiday that I want to have, and recognizing that, because I think just recognizing where my emotions are coming from is really important. But I'm also trying to just make it simple, and trying to understand that this is my children's holiday as much as it's for me, it's, it's for them, really, and that, who cares if my three year old wants to hang, you know, five ornaments on one branch. It doesn't matter. You know, that doesn't matter. It may matter to me, but I'm trying to make sure it doesn't matter. You know,
Casey O'Roarty 19:56
yes, I totally know. I am type A. I. And it really bothered me that we couldn't have ornaments that were like, two feet or lower on my tree for a while when I had a toddler. Yeah, and you know what? You people out there listening with toddlers, just know it's not going to be like that every year. Take the ornaments down. Quit complaining that their kids keep moving or breaking ornaments developmentally. If you're going to dangle something that's shiny and sparkly in their reach, they're going to grab for it. And it's okay. I mean, you're you're putting them in that situation. And so I think that that is important too for especially for listeners with the youngest kids, right? You know, you shouldn't expect them to sit at the table for the hour and a half long, you know, holiday meal with the family. You shouldn't expect them to not want to mess with the ornaments, like it's just everything in their body is like, Go, explore, play.
Amanda Rue 20:56
Yeah. And it gets better. Five Year Old was awesome, and he loved hanging ornaments, and he's very respectful with them, and I can trust that he's gonna sit at the table, maybe not for an hour and a half, but he can certainly sit there for a little bit. And, you know, it gets better over time.
Casey O'Roarty 21:13
It does. It was only a few years ago that, or maybe like last year, that we were actually able to put Christmas presents under the tree. I have a 10 year old, and because it was so difficult for him to wait to have those gifts there, and every day it was, can I just open one? I mean, he could, and then he would fall apart big time, and he could not manage it. And so, you know what, we just didn't put presents out. Yeah, and it's really
Amanda Rue 21:38
nicer for him to do I mean, it's nicer that you did that for him. He doesn't have to have the emotional stress of seeing that and not being able to open it. I mean, that's a hard so,
Casey O'Roarty 21:47
yeah, and I love that you, in your book, you talk about, like, parents identifying with their why for the season, like, what's the most important thing to you this season? And then when opportunities come up or requests show up, parents can then put that request up against what's the most important thing for me this season, and make a decision that's going to forward them towards
that really intentional experience that they want to have with their family. I love that.
Amanda Rue 22:25
Thank you. I think that's my favorite part of the book as well. Because my favorite part too, you're so busy trying to live up to everybody's expectations that you forget your focus. You forget the reason for the season. I guess you know, and we all have different things. I mean, for me this year, it's all about my family, and I think that's true for a lot of people, but some people it's the religious aspect of Christmas and the holidays. Some people it's the charity and being able to give to, you know, people who don't have enough. And so when you're asked to do something, you know, like bake cookies for bake sale. I'll talk about baking a lot in there,
Casey O'Roarty 23:01
but no, you must be a super Baker.
Amanda Rue 23:04
I don't know. I don't just I wasn't a baking food, and I kept writing it. I kept on being like, I can't talk about cookies anymore. I gotta move on to something, you know. But when you're asked to do that, you know, to think about it like, Does this impact what really matters? You know, going to this event or doing this thing, does this take away from my family time? Does this prevent me from doing something that i Something else that I should be doing to make my holidays more joyful? Because that's what it goes back to, is you need to be focusing on the things that make us happy and so that we can be the happiest we can be for our children. You know, I think that I kind of believe in that top down approach of parenting, like the parents have to be in a pretty good emotional place in order for them to get their children in good emotional places. Yeah, you know, it's like we have to be the first step. So when you forget about the self care, and when you forget about, you know, making sure that you're living a life that you want to live, then you can't provide that for your children. So that's why I did that, that focus, you have to focus on what matters most, and that that's what's going to bring you joy.
Casey O'Roarty 24:13
Yeah, and I don't think that's top down. I think that's I think that's mindful. I think it's more like inside out. You know how we are as a human on like our internal experience is going to affect? You know how we interact out in the world with our kids, how we're going to respond rather than react to the challenges that are going to show up, because they are small, unskilled humans, right? So challenges are a given, right?
Amanda Rue 24:42
Yeah, I think I like that better too. I may switch my the way I describe inside out.
Casey O'Roarty 24:51
So if parents are going to, if the listeners, we're going to focus on one thing to make this holiday more joyful, what would you. Suggest just one baby step. Oh,
Amanda Rue 25:01
that's a tough one. I would say, honestly, finding the focus that sounds silly, but like that sounds big, maybe, but it's finding that what matters most for you this holiday and and zone in on that, and that should be your your big thing. I think that doing less is really important and being very intentional about what you're willing to do with your time and with your money. I think that it's also really important to remember that, that your kids aren't going to remember all the mess ups. They're not going to remember all the mistakes or all the, you know, they're they're going to remember family time and the magic and the joy and the songs and the, you know, the cookies, and they're going to remember all that really great stuff. So whenever something bad happens, or if you get frustrated by something, put it back in focus. It's like, that doesn't matter as much as the magic matters. Does that make sense? Like that was just one little hookup, and we can, you know, get past it. That's not one little thing. I'm sorry. That's like 18 things, but because it's hard to just,
Casey O'Roarty 26:21
yeah, well, I think that's important. And, you know, that's having a focus, having an intention, something that informs us in our decision making. I think that can be really it's a small thing that, you know, a small step that makes the biggest impact, yes, and I think that's really powerful. So thank you for sharing. You're welcome. Is there anything else that you would like the listeners to know? Um, I didn't really speak much about your blog. So, um, Amanda's blog is called Dirt and boogers.com which is such a brilliant name for a blog. I love it. You won't forget it. Yeah, and tell us a little bit about your offers there, because, you know, you kind of mentioned the no yelling group, and yeah, tell us a little bit about what you offer.
Amanda Rue 27:06
Yeah, I've got a few things going on on the blog. Of course, it's a blog, so there's always new articles and posts coming out about motherhood and parenting, and I talk a lot about parental anger and yelling, but I have a big stop yelling challenge Facebook group. Right now, we just crossed like, the 10,000 member Mark. So it's a really large group, but it's a super supportive place. We talk about, we talk about more than just yelling, you know, it's a parenting group, so we talk about parenting and but it's a place where you can come in and just talk it out, come get advice. It is. Our big policy is it's non judgmental place, and the members of the group are great at keeping everybody else in check and letting me know whenever somebody is crossing a line, which I really appreciate. But it's just it's a really supportive, cool place to be. I like the group a lot. I also run a quarterly mama Zinger management e course, it's four weeks long, and it's sent to you through email. There's no live components, because we're all busy, and I can't expect you to be someplace when you have 1000 other things going on. So it's it's all through email. You can read the lessons when you're ready. But we do have a group as well for just the members of that. Course, I've had a couple 100 people go through it already, and it's been really it's been really fun, and I've gotten a lot of good feedback from it and and I it's been really helpful. I like that, course, a lot. And then I do have my 50 calm down tips printable that you can get for free anytime through my blog, this that you can post on your refrigerator as just like quick little things you can do to calm down when you're starting to feel yourself getting getting worked up and agitated. So those are kind of my my big things that I provide. So
Casey O'Roarty 29:00
great. Thank you. Super helpful. Where else can people find you? Are you on Instagram? Are you on Pinterest?
Amanda Rue 29:07
I am. I'm on all those places. Instagram is kind of like my personal I love it there, but I don't talk a lot about, you know, parenting stuff there. It's just about my life and stuff. But I am over at Facebook, and I share a lot of parenting advice there, and I pin a ton of pins a day. Okay, about, mainly about parenting, and, you know, random recipes and stuff too, because it's Pinterest. So
Casey O'Roarty 29:34
it's Pinterest and you're a mom, yeah, exactly. There's probably some crafts. I'm guessing there too few crafts,
Amanda Rue 29:42
yeah, all sorts of random bits.
Casey O'Roarty 29:44
Cool, great. Well, I will have links to all of those goodies that you just mentioned in the show notes today for the listeners. So listeners, you can just head on over there and anything that showed up, you can click away and check out and. Especially the ebook. I'll definitely have a link to the ebook there in the show notes. I was lucky enough to get to read it earlier this week, and it didn't take very long, so and it is packed, packed, packed full of really, really helpful, not only tips, but just some really beautiful shifts in in mindset just around how to be present in the holidays. So I would encourage everybody to check that out. Um, Amanda, thank you so much for being on the show. Oh, thank
Amanda Rue 30:31
you for having me.
Casey O'Roarty 30:32
Yeah, yes, yes, it was great. And hopefully we'll have you on again in the future, maybe to talk about angry parents.
Amanda Rue 30:39
I have a lot to say.
Casey O'Roarty 30:42
All right, Amanda, have a great day. Okay, thanks. You too. Bye.
So great. I'm so excited that I'm getting to know Amanda ruder and her important work that she does with parents. I hope that you're walking away with some really fabulous tools for keeping calm this holiday season. I want to remind you again that the subscribe a THON is on. So if you're listening to this podcast through the website, head on over to iTunes and search for the joyful courage parenting podcast and hit subscribe. This will allow you to access the podcast through your smartphone, your iPad, whatever kind of device you use and have on hand regularly. And it means that the episodes will go straight there. You don't have to do anything. They just arrive magically. And on Christmas Eve day, I'm going to be releasing a short little podcast just for subscribers, with some directions on how to get in on the holiday giveaway. So I've got some really fun swag, including a coaching package and some ecourses, as well as some cute tees and trucker hats with the joyful courage logo on them. So check it out. Email me if you have any questions. Casey at joyful courage.com. If you haven't already, please head on over to facebook and join the live and love with joyful courage. Facebook group, there is great, great, great conversations happening there. It's a really supportive community, and I want you there, so check it out. All right. Have a fantastic day. Thanks for spending a little bit of time with me, and I look forward to being together next time. All right. Bye.
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