Eps 216: Solo Show – Transformation starts with us

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:01
Joy joyful courage podcast, joyful courage podcast, you are listening to the joyful courage podcast. What a theme song, you guys. I'm kind of dying for a theme song. Anybody want to write me a theme song? Send them to Casey at joyful courage.com I would love to hear what you come up with. I really want a theme song, but until I get one, I'm just gonna say welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the parenting journey. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad that you're here. I am Casey overrti. I am your host, your hostess with the mostest. I am a parent coach, a positive discipline trainer, and the mom of two teenagers who teach me each and every day what it means to show up the best I can with the tools I have. In the moment, I'm super excited that you're here, if you're a new listener, if you're a new listener, yay, welcome. I'm so glad that you have found us. Please know that this episode is 216 which means there's a lot for you to listen to. There's a lot for you to listen to. I'm super excited that you're here today as a solo show me talking about what's going on currently in the community and in my life, and I'm super excited to share it with you. So I'm gonna offer up some of what's gonna be happening in the next few weeks in the joyful courage community, as well as just share a little bit you know about the journey. I know that it's a collective experience, and that when I share from my authentic place, that it resonates for you. So enjoy the show. Hi. Well, Happy New Year. Welcome back. Welcome back. Exciting. There's exciting new things on the horizon, my friends. But before I get into that, I have to tell you that I don't know if you checked out my instagram over the last couple days, but you'll see last week. Well, actually, for me, in this moment, it was like 10 minutes ago. But for you listening to this podcast, once it goes live, it's a few days ago. I posted a picture, and I'm I have this blue foam around my head like draped over me, and that is my current Sound Studio. Remember last year when I would record in my huge walk in closet in my old house? Well now the new house, I'm still kind of getting used to what recording in this space looks like, and I haven't put up the soundproofing stuff in the space that I record in I've been super lazy about it, and so when I record, I just simply drape the foam over my head. So just to give you a visual of what's happening currently in this moment in my life, beyond that, there are some really cool things that I'm stoked to share with you before I get into the meat of today's podcast, and the first one is, Can we all just agree that last week's show was amazing? Tina Bryson, Dan Siegel together on the joyful courage podcast, talking about their amazing new book. I mean, come on. I must have listened to it like three times. It was so good. It got so many downloads. So I know that you all are loving it. And something really fun that I've added to my Patreon community is on Fridays, there are podcast recaps, which basically is Friday mornings, 9am Pacific, I jump into a Facebook live in our Patreon community, and I talk about the podcast that went live that week. So last week was our first week I jumped in there. We talked all about the the conversation with Dan and Tina. We talked about the four S's that were highlighted in the show, we talked about strategies for bringing the four S's to life. We talked about our response to the interview. One of the gals, Cheryl, I'm talking about you, confessed that she would just love to marry Dan. I talked about how as much as I well, as much as I love their work, and I do love their work, and they're, you know, there's a lot of people who are writing and talking about parenting whose work I totally resonate with, love, appreciate and noticing, and I I'm speaking into this because I'm sure it happens to you too. I. Noticing those moments where I'm like, Gosh darn it, I should have done that better. Like my kids are older, they're 14, and my daughter will actually be 17 in a week. Oh my god. And, you know, there's plenty of opportunity for me to look back and say, oh gosh, I could have done better at that. Or, Wow, I really haven't set them up for success here. And it's funny, right? Because we like give ourselves so much credit, which, I mean, of course, we're all products of our conditioning. We're all products of our environment and our experience. And we are, like, free people. You know, there's only so much that we as parents can control. We can't control how our kids perceive relationships or experience their experiences, right, or make sense of their experiences, and yet, we think that everything comes down to whether or not we were a good parent. So I had that moment while I was re listening to the interview, and then I got to catch myself and say, hold on. Case you have always done and continue to do the best you can with the tools you have in the moment. And the number one thing I know that I can do for me and for my family is to focus on continuing to grow and evolve as a human myself. And that's really kind of the theme of this week's solo show. Is about that. Anyway, we talked about that. It was really a fun Friday morning check in. And so if you're interested in that, if you'd like to get a little bit deeper into the joyful courage work, if you'd like to be just a little bit more connected to me and to this community. You can go to patreon, P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. Sign up to be a $5 patron. $5 a month. That's all you're giving back to the podcast. It's like one fancy coffee drink from Starbucks a month, and you'll get to be a part of this community where we're talking about the podcast. We're talking about our experiences. There's two Facebook Lives a week right now. I mean, it's pretty rad. So check that out. Also, I wanted to continue to talk about my offer that is going live the first week of February, the Adolescent Mental Health Mini Summit. I'm so excited about this. The summit is being created because of my own experience of navigating adolescent mental health stuff and really wanting to bring more information, more useful, practical information to parents. So it's a mini Summit, which means there's only five interviews. So each day you'll get one interview. Guests include Dr Anne Louise Lockhart. Check her out on Instagram. She's amazing. She is a pediatric psychologist out of San Antonio, Texas, and we'll be talking about supporting our teens with who have ADHD, JD. Owlette is an expert by experience, who is on a mission to support families with teens suffering from eating disorders, and she's going to talk about family based treatment. Dr Allison Kress is a leading national expert on self harm and cutting, and she is coming on and will help us to understand this behavior in our teens and really how to be with it in a way that's useful, right? That's helpful, not hurtful. Jury Cottman is a clinical social worker from Baltimore, Maryland, and she and I are going to deep dive into depression and anxiety, and the depression and anxiety that we're seeing so much today, it's like this hot topic that it's, you know, is it on the rise? Is it not on the rise? What's actual clinical depression? What's not? What's, you know, what's real anxiety, what's just stress? We're gonna tease all of that apart and support us and being who our kids need. And finally, Mark lazik, who is my therapist, yes, he is coming on not to talk about me and my therapy. Wouldn't that be interesting, I'm sure. But he's coming on to tease apart one specific type of therapy called dialectic behavioral therapy. This is a really powerful tool for supporting our teens who are having the toughest time, teens that are crippled by anxiety and depression, who are choosing into using self harm as a coping mechanism, who are suicidal, who are suffering from eating disorders. DBT, as it's known, is a really, really powerful therapy, and one that I'm learning about, and just feel like everyone needs to know about it. So Mark's going to come on and talk about that. Yeah, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. And this is free everyone.

So it's free. It's happening February 3 through the seventh. You need to get you need to be registered, though it's not something that's going to be on the podcast or in my social media community. It's going to come to you through your email. So if you go to joyful courage.com/m h, mini Summit, all one word, you can get registered, you can also get more information there, and that's the link to share with friends and family, people that you know, who have kids that are struggling, who are struggling themselves to support their kids. Or if you just want more information. Because I think yes, it's important for those of us that are on the mental health path

to inform ourselves, but I think it's also really important for the entire community to become more informed and more engaged in the conversation so that we can show up for each other in a way that's really supportive and useful. All right. So joyful courage.com/mh. Mini Summit. Check it out. All right. So today, on the podcast, I'm going to talk a bit about getting a life, no, but really, that is what I'm talking about. For those of you that have been with me through the fall, you know that life has been challenging. The emotions have been high, curveballs have been thrown. Things have felt really, really challenging for us over here, for me as a mom, as a parent, but also as someone who speaks into parenting and works with parents, and it's really easy, I think, to get super like, wrapped Up in what's happening in your life, with your kids, with your partners, and kind of to retreat. I definitely have retreated. I've definitely, and you can ask my friends like I've I went underground. There were, there was a small list of people that I would connect with, other than, of course, showing up on the podcast and talking to 1000s of you each week about my experience, but as far as my close friendships go, I and even some family members, I was in retreat, and so I'm just going to take a look at that sort of today. So first of all, I know I'm not alone, so let me just ask you some questions. Can anyone who's listening relate to feeling like you're the boss? You're the boss of the family, right? So there's typically a parent that not, well, I guess I won't say typically, sometimes, there tends to be one parent that's kind of running the show, all right? Anybody relating to that? I know that. I definitely relate to that. Anyone relating to finding yourself feeling like, if you don't manage everyone, that they won't manage themselves. Like, this is something that's super alive for me right now. Like, today, I don't want to be the micromanager. And yet I have this belief, or we others I know, have this belief that if I step away from this, everything's going to fall apart, right? They won't manage themselves. We can't trust them to manage themselves, so I've got to nag them right? We fall into this, into this pattern where that puts us right smack in the middle, right? And it's so crazy, right? Because, yes, we know, I know resiliency is born from our kids making mistakes and learning from them. Resiliency is born from that discomfort, from that stretching into from recognizing like, Oh, if I don't do this for myself, the natural consequence is I feel a certain way, or it doesn't get done, and then I have to navigate that. And can we acknowledge that sometimes as parents, when we think about our kids making mistakes, that it at times, can feel like I have to manage this, or there it's like life threatening if I don't, and if we have kids that we might be worried about, meant some mental health issues, that's A really, real thing. And so how do we navigate that? Do you ever feel like letting go is being permissive or like you're abandoning your child? Right? It's either all or nothing. We hold these two opposing ideas, either I'm micromanaging you or I've completely let go and you have no support, even though, even on the days today that I decided, You know what, I am not going to tell you when to get up, when to eat, what to do, even on days like today, like I'm watching the clock and I'm noticing the patterns and I'm like, You need to get up, you need to eat. It's really, really challenging for me to step away anyone out there feeling resentful that your people are taking up all your time because you have to manage them. I think it's hard. I think this is kind of a. A complicated experience, right, admitting to resentment, especially when you know, recognizing i or you or we have created this environment that is dependent on our management and our holding it, and then it's like, gosh darn you people not taking care of yourself, like I'm gonna I feel resentful, like resentment shows up, and it's so not useful, and it creates disconnection. It's the worst. So, yeah, I'm finding myself here and and I'm guessing, I know, because of the community that I lead and the parents that I work with, I know that I'm not alone and that it can happen gradually, like it has for me, it's happened gradually, but now I'm feeling all tangled up in everybody's business. And guess what? The more tangled up I get, my perception is, the worse off everyone is. It's not like people are thriving under micromanagement. People don't thrive under micromanagement. Micromanagement is not an environment that creates thriving humans. Tweet that. And on top of it, right, there's what happens to our self care practices, they become super out of whack. Right? For me, I'm feeling like I'm in this constant state of being behind or forgetting something. When I do take time for relaxation or creativity, it can be hard to enjoy because I feel guilty. I feel like I should be doing something, or I'm in this kind of like defiant effort, fuck it. I'm doing what I want, and I'm not being responsible. I am avoiding things that you know, maybe in my business need, or I need, you know, my body needs. So it's just kind of a mess. It's a mess right now. And what doesn't really help is the fact that it's January, the beginning of January, and every time I turn around, it's like, New year, new you. What's your Word of the Year? What's your intention starting off strong, right? And I'm aware that there's this, or I've created this idea that there's this, like, window of time where if I want to make change now's the time. It's New Year's new decade, and the window is gonna close, so I better get my shit together, right? And I feel defiant against that. Anyway, it's annoying. It's annoying. And again, I'm talking about this because I know that I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only person that feels this way. We hold so much of the emotional load. I'm guessing, if you're listening to the podcast, the majority of you that listen to the podcasts tend to be the ones that are holding the emotional load of the family, right? Like no one else is paying attention to the things that I'm paying attention to, no one else is navigating the calendar and paying attention to, you know, what's what's going to be needed as far as clean laundry goes. And, you know, thinking about, like, thinking about freaking dinner in the morning. Oh my gosh, everyone. Can somebody please send me an email and tell me how to be on top of meal planning and prep and all that stuff, because I I'm not good at it. And four o'clock rolls around. If any of you saw my Instagram. Last week, I have ordered Sun basket, the meal company. I'm just trying it out. They're sending two meals a week for me to delivered, for me to prepare, because I'm just, like, so not interested. And that's another thing, right? Like, that's the mindset like, oh, I don't want to make a list. I don't want to plan, but when I do, oh my gosh, it's so nice and easy and fun, and I like cooking dinner, and we eat good food. So anyway, if anyone wants to support me, shoot me an email or message, please. So something really magical happened this morning that actually prompted me to talk about this on the podcast. I happen to be awake at 7am which those of you with littles I know like poor me 7am but my kids school doesn't start. I don't have to get Ian to the bus stop till like 845, so really I could sleep till eight and be up with him that 45 minutes before he leaves, but I've been trying to get up early because I want to come back to my self care that I know makes me feel better, meditation, journaling, reading, inspirational stuff, and I've been setting my alarm all week for seven, and I have not gotten up at seven, and. This morning, I just was awake, and so I was laying there, and I was like, You know what I mean, I'm getting up. So I got up, and I sat in just like a six minute guided meditation that connected me

with my body, really stilled my body, and it was so beautiful. It the attention and intention of just sitting in stillness and being with my body, being with my body, waking up for the day, it felt so freeing and nurturing. It was like coming home. So that was beautiful. And then, you know, if you follow me on social media, you see that sometimes I post my cards. I have these soul navigation cards that come from fusion healing arts in Seattle. I love this deck of cards. And I took my cards and I held them in my hand, and I just simply said a prayer to the universe, to my higher power to show me what I needed to hear. And then I took the cards and I held it up to my forehead, to my third eye, to what I believe is the entry point to my own wisdom. And I asked that own, my own deep inner wisdom, to speak into what I needed, because I kind of feel like higher power and lives outside of me and inside of me. So I just checked in in both places, and the cards really spoke to me today. The cards really spoke to me today, and I think that they've offered up a way of looking at what's currently alive in my relationships with my family, in a way that is very empowering. So the first card that came up was choices. And as I looked at that card and journaled about that, you know, I am always in choice, I believe that we're always in choice, even when, you know, sometimes reactions show up because of childhood trauma, because of you know, we're not always choosing our experiences. We're not even always choosing our reactions. Sometimes reaction comes up without before we can make the choice, but even in those instances, we can choose what we do with that reaction. We can choose if we want to hang on to it and sit there, or if we want to step out and try something new, right? We can choose to get help. We can choose to be on the path of self discovery, or we can choose to sit inside the pain of whatever is coming to the surface for us, right? I am choosing to micromanage everybody like I'm making that choice that is an active choice, and I am putting myself in the middle of everyone and everything having to do with my family right now, I am choosing to hold all the threads, and I'm choosing to believe that this is what's keeping everything together. What happens if I choose to step away? That's an option, right? And I think this card really reminded me of that, that the option exists. What happens if I choose to loosen up those threads? Right? Maybe it's not tossing them to the side. Maybe it's loosening up so that my people can feel their own stretchiness and their own discomfort and begin to take care of themselves. Oh,

yeah, this is, this is really big for me, because it pushes me up against fear. It pushes me up against the question of, can I can I trust my people? And it makes it makes me sad, because if the answer is no, I can't trust them, then what has been my part in their

inability to take care of themselves. Yeah, it's big. It's big and I and what I appreciate, and why I'm sharing this again, is because I think it's really important for us to continue to inquire and be curious with ourselves and to be honest with ourselves, right? What happens when they see me taking care of myself, managing myself and choosing myself, right? Because, like I mentioned, I've been resentful and I haven't been taking care of myself because I feel like there's no room for that, because I'm too busy taking care of everyone else, right? And then I'm like, Darn them for needing me. Well, that's not really it. It's not so much darn them for for needing me as much as it's like just overall resentment, like I'm the only one that's paying attention to this, and I can't take care of myself. Yeah, but what happens when I loosen the threads and I create space and time and I'm modeling what it looks like to take care of me, what it looks like to take care of my spirit, my body, my mind. What kind of ripple is created then, right? And can I, you know, and, and is that enough? I think it is. I think it is. And the other card that came up is communication. So, you know, that's the other thing. When we're ready to step away, when it's we've recognized the monster that we've created in our micromanagement, we get to communicate that, you know, and it might sound like I'm, I'm recognizing that I'm holding all the strings here. I'm recognizing that I'm making it so that you can't move into taking care of you and feeling uncomfortable and building resiliency skills and building building life skills. And I'm, I'm sorry about that, and it comes from a place of love, and you need to know that I'm gonna, I'm gonna take some steps away, and this is what it might look like, right? So, not so much leaving them hanging, but giving them some baby steps into their own care of self, right? Being explicit about that, and being explicit about the fact that you recognize you're a micromanager and asking for help too, you know? And asking, like, is this something that you want my support with or no? Right now, my my husband, works really long hours. He's a power line construction guy, and he's out in a truck. He's not in an office. He's outside all day. So as far as making doctor's appointments and things he it's just not easy for him to be like, Hold on, I'm gonna call a doctor mine. Meanwhile, it's pouring rain, his crew's waiting for him. So recently, I said, Hey, you know this is something that isn't being taken care of. He has some chronic pain that he's dealing with. Would you like for me to just take this over and and manage some appointment setting and get you dialed in, because I went from because I've been really hands off, like he's got to figure it out, and he's not figuring it out. So I asked, I basically asked for permission to manage. He said yes, by the way, but that communication is really, really key, and the why I think too, like I'm stepping away, because one I'm I try. I trust you. I trust that you can learn the skills that you need to take care of yourself. And two, I don't want to be in resentment anymore, because I love you too much to resent you, and I've got to take care of myself, because it's a way of taking care of our family. And then you become this amazing model, right? And what happens? Transformation, right? Transformation starts with us. It starts with us. We get to transform how we're showing up for ourselves and for others, and when we do that, it sets a ripple in the energy of the space, right, and there's and it can't not influence and affect the people around us. Now, it's not about okay, I'm going to do this now, and it will result in everybody doing everything that I want them to be doing, like if we're looking through that lens, and I was just talking to a client about this a couple days ago, it's not doing this because we want to manipulate the situation and make things the way we want. It's about how we feel inside of our experience, right? And regardless of outcome, which we can't control. Uncertainty is reality. Regardless of outcome, can we start to really look at how we are showing up for ourselves. And funny enough, isn't this? You know, I think this is a piece of what was talked about last week on the podcast with Dan and Tina. You know, we that safety piece, one of the things our kids need is a feeling of being safe, and yes, safe from harm, but also safe from any kind of threat that we might pose. And threats come in a lot of different ways, right? They can come as a screaming, yelling parent or an abusive parent or a dysregulated parent, or even like a resentful parent, an over parenting parent, a hovering parent, so we can transform that experience simply by tuning into ourselves, recognizing where we're at, what we're doing, and giving ourselves permission to let go a little bit right now, the last two cards that I pulled, they're kind of the they are considered. The ally cards, like what's gonna support in the work. The first one I pulled up was creativity, which is really cool. I think I don't know if I mentioned this on the podcast, but I've picked up my crochet hook, and I've been loving doing new crochet projects that I've never done before. Years ago, I made, like, a million hats. I actually followed a band for a while and sold hats in the parking lot. It was very it was very fun, actually, but it was kind of hilarious though, because it was during the summer, which was really hot, and here I am, like, who wants to buy a knitted hat or a crocheted hat? Anyway, I love crocheting. I haven't done it in years. I picked it up, and it is filling my soul. Not only that, but I'm joining a group of people in my new community that get together every other Friday and do yarn crafts. So it's also offering me an outlet into community. Creativity needs to be a part of my day. I'm going to continue to do it. It fills my soul. I'm going to choose into creativity. And the other card that came up was the earth card. And for me, when I saw that, it was a reminder to carry on with spiritual practice, the practices that connect us to our souls, right? And one of those practices, I think, is being out in nature for a few or for many minutes a day, really connecting with nature, with the cycle of nature, with the cycle of the moon. For me, it's all connected. Nature lives inside of me and around me. I believe that having a practice that connects me to my spirit, because then I can recognize I'm a spirit having a human experience, instead of just kind of a leaf in the wind reacting to whatever shows up in my day. So yeah, that's what's going on. So, um, I'm really curious about what you do. What are the ways that you connect with what's you know, how you're showing up for your family? How do you get curious about yourself? How do you How are you on? Are you honest with yourself? Are you recognizing the places where you might be feeding into some of the challenges and the resentment that you might be feeling. And then where do you go from there? Do you feel stuck, or do you feel like you know you can navigate it and choose into something different? Is this useful? This is a useful conversation. I would love to know. I would love to know. So what I want you to do is I want you to email me at Casey, at joyful courage, and give me any thoughts or feedbacks that you have about what I talked about today, or jump into live in love with joyful courage, Facebook group or the joyful courage parents of teens, Facebook group. Let me know what comes up for you as you listen to this podcast, or over an Instagram where I'll be posting about it as well, because I'm really curious, really curious about you and about what's happening for you in your life, in your parenting journey. And I know I'm not alone, which I hope means, you know, means that you're not alone either. It's hard, it's hard parenting, parenting teens is is really challenging. Sorry for those of you that have littles it and you know, and the challenge is relative, and it's gonna look however it's gonna look for each and every one of us. But it's doesn't get any easier. So the opportunity for personal growth and development continues to happen. Anyway. Thank you so much for listening today. I so appreciate you, and I'm really excited I'll be back next week with a interview to share with you. So tune back in. Big Love,

joyful courage, community, you are amazing. Big thanks and love to my team, including producer Chris Mann at pod shaper. Please be sure to join in the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage Facebook group as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcast, Spotify, Google Play. I Heart Radio, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage programs and my coaching offers over at the web page. Simply head to www.joyfulcourage.com to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. If you want to give back to the show, and I really hope you do become a patron. Click donate on the website to give back to the show that gives you so much. Any comments or feedback about this episode or any others can be sent to [email protected] I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop in. To your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everything is going to be okay.