Eps 213: Deep Diving into Self Care with Aparna Venkataraman

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Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Welcome listeners. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place where you get to feel like you aren't alone on the parenting journey. Thank you so much for listening in each week and for letting me know how the show lands for you. I love reading your comments. I have a new iTunes review from Alexander. Never mind devalue seven who wrote this review has been long overdue. I've listened to Casey from almost the start of the podcast, and I must say, she has saved my sanity more than once. It is my go to podcast when I am feeling like a complete failure as a parent, or when I simply need new ideas on how to approach a variety of parenting situations. Above all, I love her honest and upbeat attitude. The podcast feels like a conversation with your best friend who totally gets you complete pleasure to listen to rich, practical and very useful content. Thank you, Casey. Oh my gosh, thank you. Alexander, nevermind double Oh, seven. That meant so much to me when I saw it and read it, and I really appreciate especially the comment about this show feeling like a conversation with your best friend who totally gets you. I mean, that's the dream people like, that's that's what I'm trying to create here, and I'm so glad that that is the experience that you're having. It means so much to me to get feedback like this, and it gives parents who are looking for something useful and entertaining to listen to a glimpse into what they'll get tuning into my show. So I so appreciate it if you are moved right now, hit pause on the show and head into iTunes, search for joyful courage and leave a rating and review that would be amazing, and I'll read it on the show, and that'll feel special. Also, I just want to mention it is the holiday season. Yeah, this is a great time for you to get your hands on my book. Joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey. It's available now in both print and audio. It's a short read. Isn't that exciting? It's a short read. It's a short listen. Maybe there's someone special in your life that you'd like to gift it to, or maybe it's time for you to get around to getting your own copy. I see you just know that I've got you. You can go to joyful courage.com/book or straight to Amazon. Search for joyful courage, and you'll find it that way. Yay. Thrilled to be bringing you an interview today, my friends, I know that you'll enjoy my guest, and I know that you'll let me know your takeaways. You can always email me at Casey, at joyful courage.com or jump into one of our Facebook communities. Live in love with joyful courage or joyful courage. For parents of teens, you can also follow me on Instagram at joyful underscore courage, or the Facebook page, which is simply joyful courage, yay. Super grateful for all of you. Let's get on with it. Hey, listeners. My guest today is apurna Venkatraman with a decade of experience connecting with families and schools, hospitals and nonprofit organizations. Apurna is a parent coach, meditation teacher, motivational speaker and global Wellness Advocate for doTERRA, essential oils. Her approachable nature, strong intuition and problem solving skills guide her in supporting parents of babies, toddlers and teens to empower themselves and build healthy relationships with one another through effective communication, confidence, building and lighthearted mindfulness techniques. She values authenticity, which you all know is one of my favorites, a kind nature, motivation, love, compassion, gratitude and humor as key components of a beautiful life. Hi Aparna, welcome to the podcast.

Aparna Venkataraman 4:02
Hi Casey. Thank you so much for having me today.

Casey O'Roarty 4:05
I'm so glad to be in conversation with you that I just read your bio. So I would love for you to share a little bit more with the listeners about your journey to doing what you do.

Aparna Venkataraman 4:15
So my journey started really when I was 15 or 16, and started doing a lot of volunteer work with families. And so being that age, being a teenager, I did not know what was in store, and I certainly didn't imagine myself growing up and being a parenting coach and working worldwide with people in an online format locally, the way that I do, and so I've been working for the past 15, 1617, years in schools as a preschool teacher and working in children's hospitals in various cities and also in a lot of different nonprofits with a wide variety of children to help them. To relieve stress and find resources and feel connected to one another. And so it's been really a huge journey for me as someone who, you know, growing up, I was someone who was always a really premature baby, and I grew up dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety and depression in my in my self and in my well being and also with my household. And so I was somebody who grew up and really got to my teen years, and I work with teens and parents, especially because that was a point where I really started to feel the impact of anxiety and depression and the pressure of academics and love to have a lot of extracurriculars, and really kind of lost the joy in doing all of that. So I'm here today to explain a lot more about ways that families can relieve stress through self care and mindfulness and effective communication as well.

Casey O'Roarty 5:57
Yay. I'm I'm really grateful for the work that you do. I know that in my experience on the parenting side of things, depression and anxiety are super real for our teenagers, and I think that we could be taking a deeper dive and a deeper look at what's going on with our teens around their depression and anxiety, because it's super real. And, you know, for a lot of kids, it's completely shutting them down. And this isn't a show about depression and anxiety, however, because you mentioned that, I mean, it just really made it really think about, yeah, yeah. It relates. And then, you know, so we've got our teens who are going through what they're going through, and we're the parents, and there's the vicarious anxiety and depression that can show up on the journey. So I think a conversation about self care is so powerful. And I was just talking about self care during my weekly Facebook Live and my Patreon community. And I think there's this, there's this myth that self care is about exercise and manicures, yeah, but it's really a different mindset than that, isn't it? What does self care mean to you?

Aparna Venkataraman 7:10
Self care means to me to find ways to connect back to what is lighting me up, what is making me, not making me, but helping me to find peace and stay connected to my authentic self. And so I love working with families and just kind of getting into the, not even the nitty gritty, but just getting into their their heart and their soul of what, what lights them up, what makes them happy, because there is this pressure to go out there. And, you know, have a perfect, I think, even self care routine, or fitness routine, or go get Manny's and patties, or spend or something that has, you have to spend a ton of money to do that as well, and to know that it doesn't have to be that way, and that there are simple things you can do each day that can help you to create a routine where you're just you're feeling connected to yourself, and not just waiting until the weekend until you have much more time, I think, is really, really key, especially with families, when, when you know, we get so inundated with social media and how you know how we should be and what we should be saying and how we should look, and also all of our to do lists and the things to do that, it can be overwhelming and put a lot of we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be a certain way and to put and to just show up in the world as somebody who has it all together when we're really, actually stressed, really, really stressed on the inside too. So I love to help families to really just find ways where they can just authentically connect to themselves and it feels good, and they don't have to worry about what other people think, because it's, it's taking care of yourself first. I think that's really, really what matters most in life. When that happens, when you create that energy and that that real, literal, physical energy for yourself, you will be able to handle things in a much easier fashion, I think, on some level too. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 9:06
and can we tease that apart a little bit? So I noticed that I throw out language that might not necessarily be something that listeners are connected to, and so I really want to tease out when we're talking about connected to self and authentic self. What is that? How do we know that we're there? Well,

Aparna Venkataraman 9:26
we know when I'm when I'm explaining this also to to families as i i, by the way, as a little side note, I'm someone who is a pretty I'm someone who's a pretty spiritual person. I, for myself, have a spiritual practice. You know, I take time to meditate, obviously, and pray each day. And I know that that's not the case for everyone, and I'm totally open minded to that, because not everything works the same way for everyone, too, depending on how they grow up, or what their traditions are now, or what they have time for as well, too, so and what resonates with them. So I know. Ever want to, you know, sit in a session and, you know, make a parent feel like they should be doing something or that it has to be this way. You know, I really go into connecting to what is working for them in their family life, what they're going to actually intrinsically be motivated to do every day. So when we're connected to authentic self. It is something that honestly, just it feels good in the body you are motivated to do it. It's not something that you are dreading. It's something where you're feeling energized when you're putting yourself out there and you're you're feeling uplifted and just not as stressed. It isn't something that makes your body tense up and feel small, too. And so that that, I think is a really great tell of when you're feeling connected to your authentic, your authentic self, because you're just showing up and it's feeling good, and you don't have to, you know, explain yourself for it, or overthink it, or anything like that. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 11:00
I feel like there's also a level of, you know, the internal chatter has been that dial has been turned down when we're really connected to ourselves instead of and recognizing when we are being driven by fear and worry and stress and catastrophizing, all the things that show up on the parenting teens journey, right? Yeah,

Aparna Venkataraman 11:23
that can, that can definitely, definitely happen. I've, I've worked with a lot of parents. I mean, there, there's so much, there's so much that can go on and in the life of a, you know, parenting a teen. And I've worked with a lot of parents who have felt shame in expressing their emotions, they feel, they feel shame in reaching out to someone saying, Hey, this is actually what's really going on, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know if I'm overthinking things. I just need some kind, I honestly, just need some kind of reassurance or support that I'm not, you know, overreacting or something like that, you know. So I think,

Casey O'Roarty 12:00
too, there's that piece of, you know, I know for us, there are some decisions that we've made that are off the beaten path, and not necessarily anything that I think, well, that I want to broadcast, because there's also that level of what will everybody think, Right? But, but knowing, like tapping into that authentic self and recognizing this is right for our family and we feel good about this decision, and that's really all that matters, and

Aparna Venkataraman 12:29
it's all about trusting your intuition. That's a lot. That's a lot of the work that I I do with you know, that's a lot of the work that I do with as a coach or as a mentor, as any or even as any type of friend, I'm helping someone to really recognize themselves and to not, not always need that guidance, but to trust themselves. And that's what my mentors do for me. If I'm, you know, sometimes if I'm reaching out to them, they will say to me, you have, you know, trust your intuition. What do you think is best? Really, like, what like, look inward, like, what do you think really is going to be the best thing? What feels good to you? You know, and that's a lot of what I practice with parents. And it does take time to trust your intuition. It does take time. And I find that when I have taken the time to meditate or get clear, or do some some sort of self care, where I'm just being present and in the moment, that mentally, things just come, decisions are are easily able, able to be made. Because I I've kind of really had a clear space in my mind and in my heart and in my body too. I love that. And so, yeah, that's a that's a lot of what, that's a lot of the the the nurturing relationship between a coach and a parent or whomever I'm working with is creating that, that bond and that trust within myself and the person and also with for them, within themselves too. Because as I'm as I'm showing up as a coach, I'm connecting to myself, first and foremost, too. Otherwise, I'm not able to be as present for you as much, right, right? So I have to take that time to do that. I have to practice what I preach literally.

Casey O'Roarty 14:14
Yep. Have you seen the article? That's it surfaces every now and then. I've recently posted it in my teens. Group on Facebook. It's called this is what self care really means, because it's not about salt baths and chocolate cake. Have you seen that article? I

Aparna Venkataraman 14:28
think I've seen like varieties of that article these days. Yeah. I

Casey O'Roarty 14:32
really like it, because she, the author, talks about self care being about doing hard things, like setting boundaries and having hard conversations. And, you know, making, you know, this is a quote from the article, making the choice to build a life you don't need to regularly escape from. And I think that that is so powerful, right? Because I think that sometimes there's this idea that we take. Take, you know, we take a bath, or we go have a dessert, or even, you know, even exercise, I mean, and that doesn't mean that baths and treats and exercise aren't, can't be powerful forms of self care, but I think there's an intentionality that gets to show up for it to be a truly powerful experience for us to connect with ourselves. Yeah,

Aparna Venkataraman 15:25
I, you know, it's reminding me. That's reminding me of a previous job I had where I didn't have a meditation practice. I didn't have much of a, like a, you know, a fitness movement practice. I wasn't really, you know, I was just cool because I was also on my feet all day too, as a, as a school teacher, and I just, you know, I was burnt out by the end of the day. I was stressed. I was in my head. I was, you know, I was anxious at work, too.

Casey O'Roarty 15:54
School teachers that are listening right now,

Aparna Venkataraman 15:59
you're around a lot of people all the time. It's really fun. It's really fun. But I just remember just, you know, having weekends where I was like, Oh, I just like, I want to do nothing. I want to vegetate. I just want to, like, order takeout. I just, you know, I don't even, like, want to socialize much or go out to parties or events, or, you know, get a drink, or whatever, you know, I just want to, I really just want to connect back to myself. And I know that, I know that, you know, and I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy on the inside, because I all my, you know, my life was just work and whatever non work was. And so I if I would have taken that time to be mindful of my breath, if I would have taken that time to do more things that would have made me happier, that I didn't always have to spend money on, you know, or I didn't always have to feel the pressure of socializing in order to not think about work or something like that, then I think that I overall just would have been much happier, really, truly, deep down for me. I mean, I mean, you know, my income could have, you know, even though my income was great, like I, you know, money wasn't everything. It wasn't everything. It didn't mean that I was living this, quote, unquote, you know, super happy, perfect, positive life, or whatever, whatever you want to call, yeah, well, I

Casey O'Roarty 17:20
was a school teacher too in my 20s for five years, and it was, I loved my kids. I loved the school I was at, and, yeah, it was long, long hours and then a complete escape on the weekends that, you know, that did not set me up for you know, feeling really good about Monday morning. So yeah, that totally lands for me. You mentioned one of the things, just as we were kind of planning for this conversation, one of the phrases that you sent me, I really am curious about, and that is intrinsic self care. I've never heard the phrase intrinsic self care, and you talk about it in the context of how it can shape our confidence and our stress levels. Can you talk a little bit what is intrinsic self care? What does that mean? Yeah,

Aparna Venkataraman 18:12
intrinsic self care is really something that you're internally motivated by, and intrinsic is the opposite of extrinsic, which is something you're externally motivated by, which is, I think, kind of what we just talked about, but something that you're internally motivated by, that you're that's going to that you're going to enjoy, that you're feeling motivated to get up and out of bed or stay in bed and do and that's a lot of really tuning into what people's, you know, what people's hobbies and passions are. Do they like art? Do they like going on nature walks? They like, you know, yoga. Do they like traveling? Do they like doing some, you know, fun bonding activities with their kids? What is it that they actually like to do. They like to, you know, take dance lessons on the weekends, or spend time doing something, something at night, before bed. You know, it's just, it's, there's, there's a, there's a world of of options you have. If it's something that is feeling good to you when you're doing it because you want to do it, then yeah, that is intrinsic self care, yeah, as opposed to extrinsic, extrinsic self care, which

Casey O'Roarty 19:31
is Yeah, which is, like, I have to become a Beachbody coach, because everybody's doing it on Instagram,

Aparna Venkataraman 19:38
because everyone's doing it, I need to go, you know, go take a certain workout class. I need to go and sign up for yoga classes at a certain place. Or, you know, go on retreats and spend, you know, whatever feels like you have to Yeah, that you don't want to Yeah, or that you can't, right. So. Right, yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 20:00
yeah. I love that. I love that. And so, full disclosure, listeners, we've had some technical difficulties and what, what you mentioned before, our call was dropped too. Was considering what our Why is, talk to me about, like, how does that? Because I think, as entrepreneurs, you know, we anyone out there who is an entrepreneur and has had any kind of business training, it's all about like, find your why. What's your why? And how is that useful when it comes to, hey, I'm Parenting Toddlers or I'm parenting teens, and I need to take care of myself. What is the power behind finding our why?

Aparna Venkataraman 20:39
The power behind finding your why is really staying staying connected to your heart, like for me, with with my businesses, I'm here to serve as a guide and to help parents to relieve stress and to find ways to take care of themselves. You know, on top of communicating in ways that feel good and that are effective and, you know, sometimes gentle, sometimes a little bit more disciplined. But I'm, I'm here to really help people relieve stress. And that's, that's, you know, and that's something I'm connected back to when I'm looking towards an outcome of, say, a certain income, or a certain sign up, or a certain XYZ, I can look to that that extreme, that could extrinsically motivate me, but what's intrinsically keeping me, staying on top of my game, is how I'm showing up from for parents. So as a parent, you know how? How am I showing up for my child? You know, what do I want for my child? What do I want to see for us in our relationship? You know, how you know, what can help my, my team, to feel better, you know, things like that, versus, you know, I want my teen to go and be the, the star leader, you know, the the the captain of their team. I want them to, you know, Ace all their AP exams. I want them to get into this ivy league school. I want them to, you know, go out there and, you know, they have to be in a in a really great relationship, or they have to have, you know, be, you know, be a part of this, this group of friends at school. Or I need to be a part of this mommy this, you know, this mommy group, or this moms group or whatever. Because I, you know, if I don't do that, then X, Y and Z will happen,

Casey O'Roarty 22:23
yeah? And that's so slippery, too, because that's our narrative. That's not their narrative, right? And granted, you know, there's people out there who do have valedictorian kids, who do have natural leaders, who do have, you know, who are grateful and thankful for their kids friend group. And then there's the rest of us who are like, what the hell's going on? And I think that when you talk about finding the why in the context of self care, it really, for me, it's it's become, how can I connect, be connected to myself, and move beyond my narrative of what I think it things should look like, and really come to this place of Who do I need to be for the child that I have and that like for me, and I know for others, like there's a what is currently being asked for is A level of patience that I didn't know existed, and really like a surrender and a letting go of the narrative, the picture that I didn't even realize I was holding for my child. And so

Aparna Venkataraman 23:32
it takes a lot of trust, a lot a lot of trust of that you're that you're where you need to be, yeah, on your on your life, totally that your child is where they need to be, that they're that they're going to have, that they're going to be teachable moments, that they're going to be lessons that they're learning, that are going to make them stronger as a human being, too. And so that's a lot that you know, that's not a spiritual thing, but that's just a lot of what I've learned in my life too, is really trusting that you you are where you are for a reason, and that you know things are you know, as we as I think you probably have heard, things are not, you know that things are not happening to you. They're happening for you totally

Casey O'Roarty 24:15
and impermanence, like, right, right? Life is impermanent. I think it is a spiritual like to me, it is a spiritual practice to tap into that, right, you know, because it's a it's this idea that you know of this bigger picture, of this longer path. And man, I know I mean to each their own Absolutely, however listeners, however you are finding yourselves connecting to that bigger picture, higher power, whatever works for you. It's not any specific way you have to be spiritual. But I have found that, you know, really exploring that brings so much relief to me as I kind of move. Through suffering and impermanence and and, oh my gosh, this feels really, really crazy. And

Aparna Venkataraman 25:06
to know, to know sometimes that you know how you're feeling, and to recognize how you're feeling like saying, you know, I like, you know. So even this morning, you know, I woke up a little bit frustrated, and to say that, you know, say saying something like I am frustrated, or that I'm feeling frustrated, versus I am frustrated, or I am an angry person, versus I am feeling anger,

Casey O'Roarty 25:33
or even like I notice that I'm having thoughts of feeling angry, like finding that space, right? I love that space

Aparna Venkataraman 25:41
and finding that just just being mindful of what you can be saying to yourself and how you don't have to take on how you're feeling, and becoming that even you know, even that vibration, yeah, of how you're feeling, you that you don't have to be this angry person or that stressed person you know too, and that this is something that you know, this too shall pass, that this is something that can be perceived as just a phase too.

Casey O'Roarty 26:07
I'm noticing that I totally want to go off on a tangent about vibration, but I'm not going to, not for this conversation spiritual,

Aparna Venkataraman 26:14
you know, a spiritual type of conversation, yeah, yeah. And so when I'm introducing these kinds of concepts into a session, you know, I'm also mindful that people, the parents I'm working with, some of them, are not spiritual, or they don't, they don't have a need to talk about those kinds of things. A lot of parents are coming to me for practical, easy solutions that will help them relieve their stress with what's going on in their lives. And so I'm, you know, some things are spiritual, some things are not. I don't really particularly label them as a coach, but I do introduce them and if it resonates with the parent, then yeah, I flush things out. We talk about it

Casey O'Roarty 26:47
too. Well, maybe you can come on and we can talk vibration another time.

Aparna Venkataraman 26:50
We can also talk vibration.

Casey O'Roarty 26:53
But I do because I want to get to breath, and I know that that's something that is a big tool that you use with clients and being mindful of breath as the as the starting point. So talk a little bit about breath, because I think that probably many of us have kind of a surface like, oh yeah, take 10 deep breaths. And, you know, a surface understanding of that breath is, you know, paying attention to our breath is useful, but I'd love to hear you really tease it apart in a way that brings a deeper practice to people that are listening.

Aparna Venkataraman 27:29
Yeah, so I'm someone who I started yoga about 1010, to 15 years ago in college, and I that was really one of the first times where I had developed a bigger I want to say spiritual practice, which it is a spiritual practice. But that's, that's when I developed really, a really awesome mindfulness practice of and I was journey. I was learning pranayama. I was doing vinyasa yoga in college, and I took a year or two of yoga with the same, the same, I would say, team members as a business entrepreneur, the same classmates as a yoga as a as a yoga student. And I, I really had a wonderful teacher, and he was also actually a student who is this a year older, and he really helped us to be mindful of our breath, and I started taking this when I was in my second or third year of college. It was extremely stressful at that time, and I learned to really be mindful of when I was holding tension in my body, when I was not sleeping, because, you know, my jaw was really tense at night, or I was just in my head a lot, thinking about a lot of things. Or I was on, you know, unconsciously, just kind of like having my hands in a fist all day, just kind of walking around, just being tense in my body. And

Casey O'Roarty 28:55
I think that's a total parent challenge, by the way, oh my gosh, not taking

Aparna Venkataraman 28:59
the time to just even just notice those things about our bodies, about the ways that we tense up. And so that's why when I'm doing breath work or meditation sessions, which I do for 30 minutes with parents, is separate from parent coaching. But that's why it's when I do these video sessions, or I do them in person here in Morgantown, West Virginia, I'm helping parents or even, like university students or whomever, just just be mindful of their bodies, the same way you would be in yoga, too, but just kind of being mindful of the ways that we're holding tension and how we're sitting and how with body language, we are showing up, you know, in that kind of nonverbal communication where we, you know, may be feeling great, but we're showing up as stressed. And so when I'm working with parents of teenagers and just just kind of doing a lot of role playing with how they may be showing up for their child, and what they're communicating to their child, and how we can project our stress and not even be. Aware of it too.

Casey O'Roarty 30:01
Yeah, so walk me through that, because what's coming to mind for me right now in my own work with parents, when they're sharing a story that is, you know, stressful for them and a challenge that they're having with their child, one of the things that I do is I invite them to pause and notice, like, where are your shoulders right now? How does your jaw feel? What happens when you open your heart and kind of shake out the jaw a little bit? Is that kind of your place, where you go to help? Because I think it's easy to say, be more mindful of your body, but when we're in the in the moment, it's just, you know,

Aparna Venkataraman 30:42
it can be it can it can not it, can it can not be an easy transition. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 30:46
so how do you like, tease that apart a little bit for listeners, just to give them, you know, some first steps if they're gonna if somebody's listening who's thinking, like, oh yeah, when I look back, I can recognize that what I call it is the emotional freight train, like we're on the train. We don't even know we're on the train, and this is where we say and do things that later on we have to clean up with our kids. So a place, one starting point is recognizing that we're on the train, like recognizing that we're in that stress, right? And so how do you support parents in recognizing that they're there and beginning that practice of noticing stress in the body when it's there?

Aparna Venkataraman 31:29
Well, when I'm doing a video session or even a phone session, I'm able to really pick up on on the tone of voice, really pick up on, you know, the ways that they're talking about their child, or the ways that they're talking about themselves and going through their thoughts and saying things like, you know, so I hear you saying that you are really stressed out about, you know, how your teen said this to you, or how they ended A conversation or something like that, and, you know, just role playing and saying, you know, you know, what would you? What would you say, say back to them. Or, how can we, how can we say this in a way that feels gentler, or in a way that feels more effective, in like what you want to say? And so really role playing on that and how you would say something, but being mindful of of you know, how you're positioning your hand. Are you?

Casey O'Roarty 32:31
Are you pointing your fingers at them? Are

Aparna Venkataraman 32:34
you pointing your fingers at them? Are you? Are you putting your hand in the air? Are you? Are you also, really, this is something I work, especially, even with parents of toddlers, on is, are you sitting down and making eye contact with them? Are you standing? Are you standing up while they're sitting and sitting there, and you know, Are you lecturing them? Are your teen possibly feeling lectured, right? Yeah, and having that, that observation of, of also, yeah, how your child may be feeling right, having that kind of recognition and that kind of that kind of judgment too,

Casey O'Roarty 33:09
yeah, and I think kind of bringing them into a gentler, more Loving, like, what's the relationship you want to have?

I I know that like it's it's Yeah, and it's bigger than the words that we're using and the language that we're using, right? Because if the tension and the stress still exists in the body, it doesn't matter what we say or do, right, right?

Aparna Venkataraman 33:36
So if parents are coming to me and they keep having this issue come up, or your child keeps doing X, Y and Z. They keep, you know, not getting to school on time. You know, they keep lying about something or something like stealing or relationship issues. Keep coming up like we have to keep looking at these repeated patterns and saying what, you know, what's actually happening beneath the surface, and why is this happening, and what do we want to see shifting, right? And that takes, that takes, that's two way communication, yeah, right. That's a lot of when you're connected to what you want and what you want to do, that intrinsic motivation, then you're more than you're really reassuring yourself, and it's something that can be healthier for the relationship, too. And so that's why, that's why, when I'm when I'm working, you know, when I'm working with parents of teenagers, especially, it is important to listen to the parents, and it is, it is also when I'm able to also hear from the teenager on their end to work through that, that verbal and nonverbal communication, because that's really where the connection forms and the bond forms in the relationship of when we're both, when even the teen, especially is noticing how they're coming across too with their you know. What, how they're feeling, what, what they think is being projected on them, you know, like mom and dad just gets really stressed all the time at me, and they just, they're just really angry and, you know, and I don't understand this, or all I want to do is just go and hang out with my friends and, you know, all of this too. So that's, that's the, that's the whole part and parcel of building and connecting that family relationship, and so being mindful of how, really, how, yeah, you know, how deeply you are breathing, how you are loosening up and relaxing in the body. And that's, again, why we're taking the time to take care of ourselves and practice that, that self care, but just practicing those times when we are feeling more relaxed in the body and not feeling guilty for taking that time out for ourselves so that we can recharge, right, right?

Casey O'Roarty 35:51
Because, and this is something I talk about a lot too, is we can declare, okay, I listened to this podcast, and I'm going to when I get stressed, I'm going to notice my breath and relax my body. But if we're waiting for the big the big show, to practice that we're going to find that it's not useful because it's not familiar. So what are some practices that you share with parents, just around learning mindful breath and learning to become more familiar with catching ourselves when the stakes are low, and doing the practice so that we increase the likelihood right in the stressful moment that we can tap into that Well,

Aparna Venkataraman 36:39
number one is definitely, you know, as I'm doing role playing, or as I'm listening to a parent who's coming to me, definitely helping them to see those times when they can pause, when they can take that pause, before they react to something someone else said, or a thought in their mind that they may be, you know, Taking on or really being in that, that downward spiral of overthinking things. And, you know, as we said, like becoming that vibration of who we, who we, you know, who our mind tells us that we are. And so just taking that pause to really recognize, you know, hey, this isn't true. Or, you know, taking that pause to say before I react to something or argue more with my with my partner or even with my teen or whomever that I'm going to actually use that gentler tone of voice, because there isn't that need to keep expanding on this stressful conversation or whatnot, too. And so finding those moments where you you can pause and to know that you don't have to that when, when you practice not really reacting or not not reacting in the ways that you, that you used to, that we create more stress than your being more aware of how you're able to you know, easily, easily relax more. I

Casey O'Roarty 38:01
like to tell parents to practice at the grocery store, yeah. Or,

Aparna Venkataraman 38:08
you know, driving, yeah, exactly.

Casey O'Roarty 38:09
Or when we're driving and noticing, like, Whoa, that I just got really offended by that person that I don't know isn't that funny. Like, Oh, what a great opportunity for me to just practice taking full, deep breaths and calming my nervous system. Yeah, yeah. I just think that, if there's more, if we can look for times throughout the day that have nothing to do with our teenager, yeah, I think that we're, you know, and listeners have heard me say this before. You know, Olympic athletes don't just show up to the event and expect to do their best right. They practice and practice and practice outside of the event. And that's what I encourage parents to do as well, and encouraging all the listeners to do as well, as if things feel really stressful. And I know that for parents that are home with their, you know, young kids all day, or just parents that are worried about their their teens all day, you know, look for those opportunities to, you know, catch yourself and it's not a, you know, 95% of the time, like it doesn't, don't you set yourself up to fail by saying, okay, great, I'm going to do this now all the time, but starting small and deciding, like, three times a day today I'm going to and maybe even I love to set alarms on my phone throughout the day. And I might not even be anywhere near my family, but I hear that sound, and it's like, oh, right here, right now. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What are my physical sensations? Can I come to a place of center, just as

Aparna Venkataraman 39:43
that's not even like, that's not like a woo, woo thing that you know that you're allowed to like, you can do these things alone too. You don't need to. You can go and have a hobby and do it alone. You can go for, you know, drive on your own or whatever, and that it doesn't you know you're not being, quote, unquote, like, you know you're not weird or. Whatever.

Casey O'Roarty 40:00
Hey, listen, listen, woo, woo, weird. I don't really care people. This is what's going to be helpful to you. So if you're thinking like this sounds weird, you have not been listening to my podcast for

Aparna Venkataraman 40:11
very So, yeah, you know. And we're both coaches, we're not going to judge you. Yeah, right, yeah. And also, on the other shift, the other shift also, besides breath, you know, breath is really relaxing. Laughter is a huge that I've been using a lot to relieve stress. That relief stress like you wouldn't believe in the body, yeah, that's the up. That's the kind of the other spectrum to, yeah. You know, when you're laughing, when you're that that's a mindful moment for yourself too. Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 40:43
Let's laugh at ourselves, please, people. Let's laugh at ourselves. Because I was just saying to my my daughter and I were talking about, I don't know what, but I I was like, listen, we are all the stars of our own movie, okay? And everybody else are the CO stars and the supporting actors. And sometimes we get to laugh at thinking about how everyone else is wrecking our movie. Yeah, you know, and, and there was humor there, and she thought that was funny, but, yeah, I think that that lightening up and

Aparna Venkataraman 41:15
right? I like to laugh. You know, even on those days that feel really hard. I it's a huge practice. I mean, I mean laughter, gratitude. Having a gratitude practice is wonderful. If you can take a couple of minutes to sit down, write something in your phone or just mentally think about something or journal it out a couple things that you're grateful for. That's a great practice to start your day, and really fun at night too, to think about this, the you know, the great things that have happened in your day, or the the lessons that you've learned in your day to that you're really grateful for. And so, yeah, laughter is one of those beautiful things where you when you're having a not so great day, I like to laugh and say, hey, at least x, y and z didn't happen. At least it could be, you know, looking at the bigger picture and saying things that like it could be much worse. Yeah, quite honestly, and I know that can be not easy for people to do it really, really, it really can. So it takes a practice to shift into that, that mindset of of seeing the bigger picture and knowing that it doesn't help. Yeah, it doesn't have to be this way, yeah. And

Casey O'Roarty 42:21
that's not to say, you know, that doesn't take away from what Right, right, right, because for many of us, like, things are really heavy, you know, and really hard and and, you know, they're looking for those glimmers of light and those glimmers of lightness and finding those opportunities, like you said, to be grateful and to journal. I love journaling. I'm a total journaler. Can be so, so powerful. So I've, I've one last question for you. Aparna, yeah, sure, and I ask it to all of my guests at the end of the interview, in the context of creating intrinsic and intrinsic self care practice. What does joyful courage mean to you?

Aparna Venkataraman 43:07
So joyful courage in the context, in the context of an intrinsic self care practice, that's the the courage to show up vulnerably, really, and to do what I really want to do, and even if it doesn't make sense to anyone or even to myself, but to do what feels good and what I want to do. And to not be able to not be afraid of sharing that if I feel like sharing that with somebody, but to not be afraid to find the joy in things, as we just talked about, when things don't feel great, yeah, not being afraid to do that, and knowing that when I'm doing that, I'm taking care of myself and I'm helping myself to really make the day feel a little easier so I can move through my day too.

Casey O'Roarty 43:58
Yeah, thank

Aparna Venkataraman 43:59
you. That I think is to my full courage when I'm when I'm taking care of myself and doing something that feels great, especially on those days, but don't feel great.

Casey O'Roarty 44:08
Where can listeners find you and follow your work? Listeners

Aparna Venkataraman 44:11
can find me at beauty in parenting.com, that's B, E, A, U, T, Y, I, N, P, A, R, E N, T, I N, g.com, and I'm also at Instagram and Facebook, at beauty in parenting, and I know we didn't get to talk about essential oil work, but I'm also a doTERRA Wellness Advocate, and you can find that information at beauty and parenting.com too, and that's that, in and of itself, is a whole other topic of self care. But that's awesome to use oils to be able to help families use oils to take care of their wellness and their stress. You know, with breath work and with self care. It's really, really fun for me to do that, and so I'm just really honored to be able to be here and to share all. All this wisdom and these tips for all of your awesome listeners. Casey, Yay,

Casey O'Roarty 45:04
thank you so much for coming on.

Aparna Venkataraman 45:06
Thank you. Thank you so much.

Casey O'Roarty 45:12
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for listening. I'm so glad that you find value in the podcast. If you are so inclined, I would really, really love it if you would head on over to Apple podcast slash iTunes and leave a review if you love the show, if you find yourself listening every week, excited to hear a new show, from joyful courage and you haven't been over to leave a review. Please, please, please. Will you go do that. It's super easy. Give me five stars, give the show five stars, and then tell the world what it is that you love. Why do you listen every week? The really great thing about this is, when you leave a review, it makes it more likely that my show will show up for people who are looking for parenting podcasts. So it's really a give back kind of situation, then I'd really appreciate it. If you're looking for more conversation and community with joyful courage, you can find our Facebook groups. There is live and love with joyful courage Facebook group for parents of kids zero to 12. And then I have a special group joyful courage for parents of teens that are for parents of teenagers, because unless you have a teenager, well, let's just say it's really nice to talk with other people who have teenagers. It's a little discouraging when people are giving advice and they don't have teenagers yet. So I made us a special place, a special space for those of us who are parenting teens, so head over to Facebook joyful courage for parents of teens or live in love with joyful courage. Join the conversation, join the community. You can also find a Facebook business page joyful courage, or find me on Instagram at joyful underscore courage. Thank you so much for listening. Shout out to Chris Mann, my producer and so appreciating you Chris and all that you do for the show, loving all of you, fans and friends in The joy of courage community. I'll see you next week.

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