Eps 208: Solo Show – keeping things real while navigating a tough season of parenting

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:01
Hey, hey, so hi, yeah, we're still waiting. We're still waiting over here for the word that joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey. Audiobook is available, still waiting on that, still waiting on that. But just like I said last week, as soon as we find out that you can get it on Audible, I will be sending you an email and as incentive and excitement, and just like all around celebration for the book coming out on audiobook, I am including with every purchase through the end of November, the companion guide, which is this cool little workbook that gives you prompts and ideas about how to take the learning from the book and put it into practice in your life. Right? So I want you to be making sure that you're on my email list. Joyful courage.com/join. That way. You will be the first to know when I get the email from Audible that we're good to go. And then get your hands on the book, get your ears tuned into the book and and I'll give you the details on how to get the companion guide with your purchase. So get on the email list. Pay attention. It's coming. I promise it's coming. Hey, podcast listeners, welcome to joyful courage. I'm so glad that you're here and listening. Joyful courage is a conscious parenting podcast, a place where I like to bring information and inspiration to the parenting journey. I'm your host, Casey Casey o'rourdy, I am a positive discipline trainer. I'm a parent coach, but most importantly, I am a fellow traveler on the journey of parenting. I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled that you're listening in the show is all about stepping into the personal growth and development that is always waiting for us here in this era of being mothers, of being fathers, of loving the kids that we have while staying lovingly detached from what's showing up in their lives. I know that sounds weird, right? Being detached, Tonya, it'll change your life if you can do it. The show is designed to offer you guidance. You can take it, you can leave it. It's a buffet of information. Just listen, right? Just listen. Create your own value. Listen for nuggets that land for you. And if something doesn't, just leave it behind, it's all good. I would love to know what you think. I have many communities that you can join. You can follow me on Instagram or Facebook. You can join in the conversation at live and love with joyful courage on Facebook, or joyful courage for parents of teenagers on Facebook. So I love to be in conversation with my listeners, knowing what's going on in your life and bringing some of what you desire most challenges that you are currently facing, bringing them onto the podcast, bringing them into these conversations, so that I can be in service to you. I really hope that you enjoy this show, and I'm confident that you will you Hello, my friends. Welcome to the show it is when you're listening to this, it will be November. 1 show of November. So weird that we are in November time is totally tripping me out. I hope that you had a fulfilling Halloween experience. I hope that the fall back time change was well received, and that you enjoyed that extra hour. I know some of you have young kids out there and you're glaring at me as I say, Yay for the extra hour. I know how Daylight Savings wreaks havoc in families with young kids. I remember that. Yeah. So here we are in November. I'm going to be totally honest with you, I have no script today. I am free flowing. I have sat down multiple times to write up an outline, and I feel like I said the. Last time too, that I've been struggling with creating an outline, but I promised my man, Chris Mann, my editor, producer of the show, that I would get him this file. So the best way to do that today is to just come on and trust that whatever comes out of my mouth for the next 20 to 30 minutes is exactly what I meant to be sharing in preparation, I have lit a stick of incense. Actually, I got this box of incense that have seven different possibilities that correlate with the seven chakras. I chose the throat chakra incense stick, and it's all about the throat chakra is the fifth chakra, and it's the spoken word. It's about creative expression and gratitude and worthiness. It's about receiving and letting go, transforming through words. And yeah, it's about speaking our truth, speaking my truth. And so what better, what better support for this recording than to invite in the opportunity to focus in on that, that beautiful space of speaking our truth? And yeah, you know, it's interesting this week. This week of recording is my fifth and final week of the current round of the joyful courage Academy. I've had many of you reach out and ask, When is the next Academy? I will be opening doors to the academy again after the first of the year. So that is coming for all of you that are excited and ready to step in to that learning. It's coming. And for now, I'm just in the completion and the what's next with the group that I'm currently leading. And every time I lead a group of parents, I learned so much about myself, about the parenting experience. I am reminded time and time again that we are all one, that this is a collective experience, and that we create so much suffering in our practice of holding on so tight to the way that we want things to look. And you know that's come up in my so part of the program, there's a community portion where we are in relationship over Voxer, which is like a group chat, but instead of texting, we speak, and each participant gets to do a 90 minute one on one call with me. And something that comes up time and time again is that this is messy. This period of time with our teenagers is messy, and the messiness is not an indication that we are getting it wrong. I think we you know, there's always space to do better. No matter who you are, there is space to grow and do better and learn. And there is no perfect formula that will result in this period of time not being messy, right? And I think that's really challenging for all of us because, or for many of us, because, I absolutely know people who have come to a understanding of being with what is and not being in resistance to what is. And I think that shows up as they, you know, hold their children in love, but are not totally consumed by attachment around their child's experience and the rest of us. You know, it's really hard to remember that these years are just really challenging, and I feel like as a parent, educator and someone who stands on a platform and speaks to parents, speaks about parenting, that it's my responsibility to share in the. Messiness that's coming up for me.

I think that it is the responsibility of those of us who have a voice to be really authentic and real about, you know, places that are hard. And last week so I was working on the content. So week four of the joyful courage Academy is all about creating structure, creating routines and agreements. You all have heard me talk about routines and agreements. Those of you that have been my clients know that I love talking about routines and agreements. Those of you that are positive discipline educators or trainers that listen to this podcast, you know how powerful routines and agreements are. And as I was creating content for the Academy a couple weeks ago, I was sitting at my kitchen table and I was working on my little PowerPoint. Because I do it, I record a webinar. That's part of the program is you get content, and I'm writing about, you know, routine and how we're always we always have a routine. We either have the default routine, the unconscious routine, or we have the intentional routine, and how we as parents can go to our kids and just acknowledge that, you know, where we feel like we are with them, where they are like, Hey, this is kind of the dance that we've been in, the routine that we've been in. How about we get a little more intentional? What would that look like? And I'm creating this content, and I'm recording the content, and I'm thinking to myself, you are such a fucking fraud. Sorry that I had to swear. But it felt like that, because currently in my world, this is a place that is really showing up as not working. I am really in the muck and you know, and I and, but I believe what I say like I believe in what I say. And yet, when I look at my own experience with my own family, it is super messy. And I the reason that I'm sharing this is because I think it's really important for all of us to, you know, to recognize when you know we hold an ideal, right, we read the positive parenting books, or we follow the positive parenting people, or the positive discipline people, we like the memes, we listen to, the podcast, we read the books, and putting it into practice in real life can feel really elusive,

or it feels like I can't do this, and I'm, you know, I hope that you listeners, especially those of you that feel like I've tried all this stuff and it still feels really gross. I still feel disconnected to my kids. It still is a battle like I'm I want to speak directly to you this week, because I just want to say that I see you, and I want you to know that you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you or your family, that this work is super challenging and messy, and I don't think that we talk enough about this. I think that there's a lot to feel ashamed about. I think that when we look at the surface and we follow social media, there's this message that basically states that there's, you know, we shouldn't yell at our kids, we shouldn't shame them. We shouldn't let them see our emotions. We shouldn't, you know, pass on our baggage, and we should offer them really enriching opportunities and help them grow their resiliency muscles. And there's so much all the shoulds and shouldn'ts. And I am not saying that those shoulds and shouldn'ts are not important, or even that they're. Or, you know, inaccurate, like, yeah, hey, don't yell at your kids. Hey, don't shame and humiliate your kids, all right. And when you're having a very emotional human experience and you can't quite get it together enough to step away and you screw up and you say something hurtful or do something hurtful, I just want to tell you that I see you and it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a human being, and I think that what's really important in our relationships is for us to own our behavior. So when we do have those moments that do not fall under the positive discipline umbrella, that we can acknowledge that first to ourselves, right, first saying, and I've and this is something I say to clients, when they say, oh my gosh, I know I could have done this better. I say, well, let's just pause right here and celebrate the fact that you are an aware enough parent to see that there was a different road that you could have taken in this experience. How many parents out there are completely oblivious to that, a lot, right? So I just want to celebrate our awareness now, even as I say, celebrate our awareness. I know because I live it, that awareness can mess with you, right? Awareness can really mess with you, because the more aware we are, the more aware that we are that we're screwing up, the more aware that we are that we're not walking our talk, the more aware that we are that what we're doing is feeding the problem. Okay, great, but there's still this opportunity, even inside of that right, this opportunity to own it, right to own our behavior. And owning our behavior is not the same as berating ourselves or sitting in our own guilt and shame or feeling like a failure. Okay, that's not useful. And I'm talking to you, and I'm talking to myself, it's just not useful. What is useful, especially when we consider how important it is to model behavior for our kids, what is useful is going to our family members. And you know, like, I can sit here and talk about kids, but guess what? Like, a lot of the time in the communities that I hold, we're talking about partners. We're talking about husbands and wives, right? So maybe it's making it right with our kids, making maybe it's making it right with our partners. Maybe it's making it right with our parents or our siblings. Doesn't really matter. But the gift is when we can say, Wow, I I screwed up. I am not handling this well. I was hurtful to you, and it's not okay for people to treat each other like that, and I'm sorry that I treated you like that, and I'm sorry for the way that I made you feel. And I am going to take care of myself. I am going to create a practice that supports me so that I can be better and show up better inside of that situation the next time it comes up, right? What a gift to offer that to our kids. That really vulnerable, authentic modeling of what it looks like to take personal responsibility. Yeah, it's really good stuff. It's really good stuff. And so you know, that isn't something to feel bad about, right? That's something to celebrate. So instead of waking up in the morning and deciding this is how I'm going to be and then, you know, getting to the end of the day and saying, Oh, I yelled or I belittled or I criticized or I was in judgment. What if we get to the end of this day and we celebrate, like, Oh man, I got to make it right after I was judgmental, I got to show up in my authenticity and model what it looked like to take responsibility for my actions. Like, what about that? That's really powerful. This work is hard. This is personal growth and development. This is taking a deep look at our darkest places we're. Right, the places that we've been holding, maybe hiding away as a way to protect ourselves that are now coming to the surface because of this little, or not so little person that has shown up as our child, right, and who wants to look at our dark places, not me. I just want to know, like, how can I make this better? Right? What do I got to do? I think that's a big piece right now that's getting in my way, right? A current situation that I have going on in my parenting requires extreme patience, extreme patience and trust and slowing down, and what I am being confronted by is how uncomfortable it is for me not To be in action not to see the other person taking action and being in action and doing something forwarding right, like I was talking to my really good friend Karen. Shout out to Karen, I love you so much. I was talking to Karen about this, and she says, Yep, you know, we're kind of screwed a little bit because of the work that I do, the people that I hang out with, the circles that I hold. You know, we're all super jazzed and high on personal growth, on personal responsibility, on Okay, we got a choice here. What are we going to choose? What Can I acknowledge? How can I learn? Where am I stretching? And life has provided this opportunity for me to just sit in uncertainty, right, sit in uncertainty, to hand over energetic responsibility to somebody else and say, I actually can't control this situation. I could try to manipulate it. I could try to strong arm it. I could, you know, I could be a crazy person and provide all sorts of threats and bribes trying to get this to look differently, but ultimately, the person who needs to be in action, who gets to be in action or gets to not be in action, is not me, right? And I think this is one of the most challenging parenting experiences that I've ever been inside of and I know that I'm not alone. I know that I'm talking about this. And there are some of you that are saying, Yes, I understand. I understand. I get it. I've been there. I am there. I know that this isn't my own sad, my own sad pity party, right? And, you know, even that like belittling it, right? I just belittled it. I

just made, you know, it's, it's interesting how we use humor and how we, you know, deflect our experience because it's really uncomfortable, like it's really uncomfortable. You guys, for me to say, Hey, you want a parenting coach. You want to do my programs and to also live inside of really, real challenging parenting experiences in my personal life, you know, like that is no joke. That is no joke, and I can't not be in the sharing of my own practice. And also say, you know, give me money and I'll coach you like, what you see is what you get, right? But it's really, it's really challenging. And I know, you know the rest of you, it's not like you might not be a parent coach, but you may be getting up and talking to your friends or going to work and holding this really painful experience that you're having inside of you, and looking around and feeling like nobody else is challenged, like everybody else's kids are easygoing and flexible and are having a good experience, and what's wrong with me? What have I? How did I create this right? Anybody have that story? How did I let this happen? Let me inventory all the mistakes that I must have made to be where I am right now. Now in relationship with my child. Anybody else do that? Mom, guilt. Dad, guilt. Useful. No, not useful. I was at a I went to a mother's circle here in town in Bellingham. It was at the Dharma Center right the Buddh center in town. And you know, I was sharing a little bit about my experience, and I said, you know, it's such an interesting place, because right now, it feels like so monumentous, right? It feels like we're in these teen years. It's a big deal. Everything that happens feels like a big deal, and it's tiny. Like, think about your teen years. I'm 46 years old when I think about the shit I was doing when I was 16. Like, did not alter the course of my life, you know? So it's this, like, huge monumentous and minute both and right? And I said, you know, this is like a snapshot. I have to trust that I can lift up and out and remember that this is a snapshot of one period of time, and it doesn't necessarily mean that my child is going to be defined, or that I can make any sort of assessment about the life that's to come for them based on choices they're making. Right now, it's the long game, right? It's a long path. This is one piece. And one of the moms in the group spoke up, and she said, you know, she has a child who has a some sort of degenerative disease, and kids that have the disease that he has lived to be like, I mean, from what she said, like, 14, 1516, and she brought up, she's like, you know, I hear, she was basically like, I hear what you're saying. And we don't know if this is a snapshot, or if this is the end, or if this, if there will, you know, we don't know how long their path is, like, whether we have typically developing health, you know, typical health kids, or kids that have been born with a different story, like, we don't know. So what does it mean to just be with what is right now? And it was so profound and, and she also said she's like, you know, this is why I'm Buddhist, because the first tenant of Buddhism is life is suffering. And you know, and there's this, like finality, like acceptance settling in, you know, to that like, oh, life is suffering, so I don't have to be really attached to the current suffering, you know, because this is a part of how we grow and how we live and how we be and how we learn who we are. And it was just, you know, it was so beautiful. And I'm so grateful that she shared, and, of course, you know, as she shared a little bit about her story and her child's story and the peace. I think that was the biggest thing for me, was how she could talk about where she was at with her child, and it didn't feel like a lot of fear and sadness. It just felt like peace. And I think that that's what this is about, right? It's not, I mean, yes, we want to, we want to support our kids and growing into capable, confident, contributing members of society, of course, and they're going to take their own path to get there, and we can't control it. And believe me, I want to we can't control the challenges that are going to show up. We can't control whether or not they're deciding to make it really, really hard for themselves, but we can be with them inside of whatever we can love them, and I think that finding peace and

it is so key. Finding peace in the suffering is so key, and I don't know how to do that right now. I wish that I did. I wish that I did. I think my whole family would benefit from. It, you know? And I think that,

yeah, I mean, there's like, an ego conversation, right? There's this conversation that says, Well, if you're at peace, then you've given up, which is totally not true, right? But there is a letting go of resistance to what is that serves deeply. And I think being inside of peace and really coming to a place of not even this too shall pass. But more than that, like this is important, like there is purpose here, and we don't know what the purpose is. I spoke a couple weeks ago about radical acceptance. Clearly, I'm still, still got that on my mind. And, yeah, I mean, and it doesn't, it doesn't really matter, like, if we're talking about teenagers or toddlers or kids in between, you know, we Yes, it's useful to know strategies. It's useful to know tools and tips. I would absolutely encourage everyone to keep reading about child development. Keep reading about the teen brain. You know, keep seeking out parent educators that inspire you, whose message you really jive with, and be in the practice of finding peace around whatever happens, because our kids come with their own temperament, with their own life story, you know, with a path that is ahead of them, that is unexpected, that might be really challenging at times, and there's no like, I think we sometimes think to ourselves, like, okay, so it's our job is to have them master like, have all the tools to navigate life and And wouldn't it be great if we could, you know, We want to see that right now, especially in the teen years, right when things get really hard, it's like, no, this is the time for you to be master of all of these things and to not get into trouble and to not feel pain and to not, you know, make choices that make us Feel like crazy people, and yet, this is their path. This is their path, and our kids choosing their path is not an indication of whether or not we're a good parent, you know, like, how can I be with my child in a way that allows them to feel the tension of their path and feel also the deep, deep love and support of their family, right? What's What does that look like? How can I be an acceptance of what is and also like be able to share what my worries and my fears are like. This is where I'm at right now. Is like, Okay, what does it look like? What does it sound like to be an acceptance, while also fifth chakra speaking my truth right. And my truth is that I'm worried. My truth is that this uncertainty feels really uncomfortable. The truth is I do have some experience. And the truth also is that my, you know, the situation is not calling for me to be the advice giver. So, yeah, hey, hey, you out there. I see you. And, you know, I just want to say, if you're listening to the podcast and to other podcasts, and you're reading books, and you're doing all the things, and then your action feels like it's falling flat, I would say, just keep keep at it, right. Keep at it. Keep trying, keep learning and growing. And I think sometimes too, when the external experience feels like you're at a loss, that might just be an indication that it's an inside, an internal experience that you're being called into. Right? We get really hot about manipulating. Being the changing, manipulating the external environment. And what we don't always remember is there's always an internal experience that we could also be playing with and be curious about and be peeling back the layers even, you know, I think some of the most enlightened people that there are there, you know, when you talk to them about, you know, what their life experiences, they talk about a deep, daily spiritual practice. You know, and spiritual means whatever right spiritual looks like a lot of different things, but to me, when I'm talking spiritual, I'm talking about going inside the body, right? Because, I mean, we have, there's something going on there. I believe we have a soul. I believe that our souls chosen to this particular time, this particular family, this particular life experience, to grow and expand inside of the human body, and so checking in on that soul, like, Hey,

Speaker 1 36:15
let me give you a little bit of space To remind me, what

Casey O'Roarty 36:20
are we doing here, right? Like, what is being what? What is the purpose here? I know that there's a purpose here. So having a practice of, you know, and we talk a lot about soul, like, self care, right? Yeah, exercise, get good sleep, you know, make sure you have time with friends. But, like, what about tending to our soul. What about that? What kind of practice do we have that we can quiet down and find some stillness and really let our soul speak to us and remind us that everything's going to be okay, right, that that life happens is happening for us. Life is happening for us, all right? I you know, I'm just really trusting that this conversation is helpful to you, and the best way to let me know is to let me know if this is a conversation that is resonating with you, shoot me an email, let me know Casey at joyful courage.com or send me a message on Instagram or Facebook, or even maybe leave a review on Apple. Podcasts. I love hearing from you. I love knowing that what I'm speaking about matters to you, and I, you know, I'm a human too. I like to know that we're all in this together. We're all in this together. So I love you. This is the best community anywhere. I'm so proud of the way that everybody shows up. There's been some really great, powerful, supportive conversations in the Facebook groups. And if you're not in the Facebook group, get over there. There's live in love with joyful courage. There's also joyful courage for parents of teenagers, for those of you with teenagers, but I'm just really grateful for the way that you all show up for each other, and I'm grateful for the way you show up for me. So yeah, yeah. Ah, people carrying on over here, carrying on and loving all of you, loving all of your kids, trusting that we're all gonna get to a different place eventually. And yeah, just signing off with a whole lot of love and gratitude, and I will see you back here next week with an interview show so big. Love. Thank you. Hey, yay. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. I so appreciate every single one of you and the ways that you show up for joyful courage. Thank you. And did you know there are ways that you can give back? I have a Patreon page, which is a place where you basically can donate one, five or $10 towards the sustainability of the program. And just as a way to say thank you, and you can check that out at patreon.com/joyful. Courage. That's www dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. I have some benefits and bonuses for people that are in my Patreon community. You can also let me know what you think. Bye. Heading on over to Apple podcasts, leaving me a five star rating and a review. I love to read the reviews on air, so whenever I get a new review, I share it, and it really just helps me know what you love about this podcast, what is landing for you, what is useful like I mentioned at the top, I am active on Instagram and Facebook, both places you can find me at joyful courage. And please know that you're always welcome to join into my Facebook groups. Live in love with joyful courage as well as joyful courage for parents of teens, yes, yes, yes, yes. We're back in the weekly mode, so I'll be back next week. Can't wait to have you listen again until then, take a deep breath. Follow it into your body. Take a moment to notice what's currently alive for you. Imagine that you can take the balcony seat for a higher perspective of whatever is currently going on in Your Life, and trust that everyone's going to be okay.