EPS 201: SOLO SHOW What it means to meet our kids where they’re at

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Mama, Angie says that Casey o'rourdy gets it. She gave joyful courage five stars. Reading this book is like getting parenting advice from a trusted friend. She knows what you're going through, she doesn't make you feel bad about it, and she wants the best for you and your family. I'm a longtime fan of the joyful courage podcast, so I was happy to see that the book is just as authentic, smart and full of aha moments as the podcast. I've taken away so many strategies to help me form a closer connection to my children and help us stay sane as we navigate life together. Thank you so much, Angie, and to all of you, if you love joyful courage, if you are interested in listening to joyful courage the audiobook, it's happening. It's happening. The audiobook will be available through audible come September. So please stay connected. Stay tuned for more details.

Hello and welcome. You have found yourself listening to joyful courage, a conscious parenting podcast where we talk about the everyday challenges of parenting and humaning in a real and transparent way. I am your host. Casey owerdi, I am a positive discipline trainer and parent coach doing my very best to raise my own two teenagers in a way that grows their internal sense of being the creators of their own lives and supporting other parents in doing the same with their kids. The interviews and solo shows you will hear on this podcast are my exploration of how to be as authentic and mindful as we can be, while treating the fellow humans in our life, small and big with the dignity and respect they deserve. If you like, what you hear, please rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and stay tuned till the end to hear about how you can join the joyful courage community online, Yay, I'm back. I am back, people. I've missed you all. It isn't often that I take time off of this podcast, and I'm really grateful to have taken the past few weeks off, but I've missed you. I've missed you. Some of the things that went down this last couple weeks is that I had the chance to work in three different elementary schools here in Bellingham, supporting the staff members with implementing positive discipline in the classroom. Such an honor. Such an honor. Shout out to teachers. They are really on the front lines of making the world a better place, and just like all of us, doing the best they can with the tools they have, they have. I have worked with many teachers doing the positive discipline training, and I have come across some that are deeply discouraged and others that are super encouraged. And what they all have in common is that they show up each day for the kids in their class. And I just want to say that the ways the parents treat their children's teacher makes all the difference. Build that relationship people, it will only do good, not only for your child, but for all the children in your child's class, because a teacher that feels connected to the families that he or she is serving is going to show up better. Right? Belonging and significance are not only what our kids need, it is what all humans need, right? So I want to give that little PSA here at the beginning, since we're all well, all of us in the United States, all of us in the Western Hemisphere, we are the northern hemisphere, I don't know Anyway, those of us that are starting the school year, I just wanted to give that little shout out to teachers and remind us that we can influence our children's educational experience by how connected we are to their schools and their school communities and their classroom communities. Yeah, also, I launched the parenting teens with positive discipline audio summit encore offer. It was so awesome, I just couldn't put these conversations to rest. So last December, I recorded all these interviews. They were so rich, they were so powerful. And, you know, I put them out to the community last January. And you know, the whole online summit formula. I'm sure that a lot of you have signed up for these things, and they give you way more than you can consume in this short period of time, and then they're like, Oh, you didn't get it all well, you could buy the whole thing and go at it at your own pace. And I followed that formula last January, right? Like I gave you three hour long interviews each day and then sold it at the end. And and it felt kind of weird, I don't know. Yeah, it felt a little sneaky. And I do need to make a living people, and the content I create does have significant value. I mean, that's the feedback, right? And it just kind of felt weird. So what I did was I distilled down the content so that it was in smaller, bite sized pieces, right? So each day, instead of getting three really long interviews, each participant got one audio that was like anywhere from 90 to 100 minutes, still kind of long, but not so overwhelming that it was like, you know, being fed with the fire hose and, oh my gosh, going through these audios again was so amazing, right? Because I'm in a different place than I was when I recorded these interviews and my ex. Just my experience of re listening really speaks into how our lenses and our listening changes over time, right, as our kids grow, as the challenges shift. Anyway, I had over 200 people tune in to the summit, and the feedback was so great. And if you missed it, this is funny that I'm saying this, since I was just like, it's kind of weird, I am selling the package with all the interviews in full for you to listen to at your own pace for a limited time on my website. And you can get that, save that, use it, come back to it for $49 so there you go. There's my pitch.

The final significant thing that went down in the last few weeks was that my son has started at his new school. Remember that we moved Do you remember me saying that my boy was not so excited? Actually, he was pretty pissed about the whole thing, and had a pretty low key summer up here, and he was worried about what his new school life was gonna look like. He had it going on, where we were, where we moved from, and just, you know, was anxious, and, of course, right new experience, of course, there's going to be some anxiety. He did make one friend prior to the school year, starting here in the neighborhood, shout out to Leona, who saw my post in the neighborhood moms Facebook group about how I was looking for another eighth grader who liked basketball to hang out with my son. And she got in touch, and they hit it off, her son and Ian hit it off, and it made a world of difference for Ian to have a friend walking into that first day. And just as I suspected, he was completely fine. He was better than fine. He was like a celebrity, and that is how it's been since school started. He is building a really great friend group full of really sweet, kind kids. And I get to trust his judge of character, because Ian is a really good judge of character, you know? And I have to remember that as my head spins into I don't want him to get mixed up with the wrong kids. Yeah, Ian likes to be around kids that are nice and fun. Yay. So big exhale there. So, yeah, the family is settling in well up here in Bellingham, and I'm super happy about our big move today on the show, I want to talk about something that I brought to the joyful courage super fam group recently. And just to remind you, the super fam is a group of listeners who find so much value in the podcast that they're willing to give $10 a month as a way of supporting and saying thank you. They have all received a half hour coaching call with me, and get to participate in a weekly Facebook live in our private group that I do for them. And if you're interested in finding out more, go to joyful courage.com and click the donate button on the navigation bar that'll take you right to my Patreon account, and that's where you can find out more about the Super fam. So anyways, I wanted to share what I was teasing apart with the group today for the podcast. It's the whole idea of meeting our kids where they're at we hear those words. We see them like posted around social media. But what do we really know about what they mean. Well, I was reminded over and over again as I curated the interviews for the teen summit that relationship is everything, like relationship matters and often relationship is the starting place for any kind of problem solving or solution finding to happen, we have to pay attention to relationship. It's super foundational, right? And sometimes our kids behavior has more to do with how they're feeling inside of relationship with us than anything else. So doing the work to be connected, non judgmental, curious, present. Vulnerable, transparent and honest, makes a huge difference, right, especially with our teenagers, plus, when our kids are having a hard time and the relationship isn't there, the idea that we can meet them where they're at just isn't possible. It isn't possible our kids feel met when they feel seen and heard and understood. And if there's angst or negative energy or disconnection going on, it's just not possible for them to feel that way with us. So yes, PSA for building relationship. Do it? Work on it all the time. Ask your kids how they know that you love them. Ask them what they think you think about them. Get curious to find out what their experience is of you, and then listen without talking. Listen, take it in and adjust accordingly. All right, back to meeting them where they're at when our kids are having a hard time, when humans are having a hard time, they don't want to be fixed or cajoled out of their experience. They want to feel felt. They want to know that you are there with them. They want to know that you see them in their experience. And if your kids are teenagers, they don't want to hear what you think about it. I repeat, teenagers do not want your opinion. They just want you to see them and accept them. Believe me, I know this is tough because I have a lot of opinions, and I'm a fixer. You've heard me say this before, and I'm a coach. I coach people to create results in their lives and relationships. Why the hell wouldn't my kids want me to coach them. All right, I am their mom, and they are teenagers. Meeting our kids. Where they're at is being present inside of an open mind, allowing yourself, yes, you parent, to be in the space of not knowing, not judging, not opinioning, simply being with them. Now, there may be some mirroring. It could sound like you really thought you're you were going to get that job and you didn't. Or you were playing with that game and your brother came over and grabbed it, or you were telling a story at dinner and you were interrupted, stating what you're hearing out loud for your child to hear can be really useful. There may be some validating of feelings. Could sound like I bet that feels discouraging, or that must have been annoying, or I'm wondering if that hurt your feelings, but remember that you are just making a guess here, and that all feelings that they're having are valid. Because if you are a normal parent, there has probably been a time where your child has shared what's bothering them and how they're feeling, and you may have dismissed it or told them you don't really feel that way, or some other you're getting it wrong, kind of response. We all do this from time to time when we're less than conscious of what we're doing, or maybe even in fear, right? Not judging, just highlighting you may have been right, and the way our kids feel about their experiences are incredibly valid to them, and dismissing their feelings, it's just plain rude. Yep, meeting them where they're at sometimes requires us not to say what we want to say. Sometimes it requires patience and waiting for the opportunity to ask permission. Could sound like, Can I share an idea with you, or can I tell you what I think, and being okay with them saying no or not right now, and believe me, I know it's hard because I've gotten that response, and I would like to say that when I hear that, I don't say, Well, I'm going to tell you anyway, but sometimes I do, and those conversations, they're not the most helpful, right? You all know about the flipping of the lid, right? The brain science around when we're triggered and don't have access to our thoughtful, logical mind, we can't problem solve, right? If you don't know about flipping the lid, go to joyful courage.com/teach. Brain and watch the videos there to find out more. Brain science tells us that meeting our kids or any human where they are is really about being with them during their hard time, that the being with is actually what will build the bridge back to that logical, thoughtful brain and open the space for our kids to have problem solving conversations, or simply to open up more to us about what's going on in their life. Because remember, not every problem that they're having are, you know, is something to be solved by us or even with us. Mm. Sometimes they just it's just enough for them to feel safe, enough to open up right? Meeting them where they're at is about where they are in the moment. The moment holds so much information too, right? And I think next level is recognizing what's happening for us in the moment and positive discipline is this? This is the first step for finding the belief behind the behavior. Are we annoyed as a response to their behavior? Are we angry? Are we hurt? Are we feeling hopeless? Let's get clear on the ways we are feeling like deep down, you know, underneath frustrated, because we always feel frustrated. What's happening under that? Can we distinguish the experience that we're having right beyond just, well, I felt mad or I was pissed. I

Right? Was it like a disbelieving kind of experience? Was it irritation? Feeling annoyed typically means our kids are feeling disconnected and are looking to be recognized and acknowledged, meaning the behavior they're displaying is annoying to us, right? That's the first clue that maybe there's some disconnection happening when we feel angry, right? When the our hackles are raised and we step into that power struggle, that typically means that our kids are feeling powerless and are looking for control where they can get it is their behavior leaving us feeling hurt. You can guess that your kids are hurting and passing it along. Are we feeling hopeless, just like, you know, at a loss? And this isn't a high energy thing. This is a really low energy. This is an indicator that our kids are feeling significantly less than less than perfect, less than enough, and they'd actually rather you not take time to notice. So none of these possibilities is our child or teen being bad or misbehaving. This is our child or teen navigating their world and their experiences and the beliefs that they've formed over time using the lens that they currently have. So this information can help us meet them where they're at to connect and be present to what they need, right? To be present and connect. Super important. So good. And it takes work, right? It requires us adults to do what we need to do, to have a clear enough mind to recognize what's happening when it's happening. You know what I mean? So we get, you know, we jump on the emotional freight train, irritation, anger, hurt, hopelessness, all of those things have the potential to bring the emotional freight train in and then take us off where we're not being conscious or thoughtful, we're just writing out the emotion and things are coming out of our mouth, and we're moving from this place, and it's just not useful for our kids. So really, this requires us to recognize, like, Oh, wow. What my child is doing right now is triggering that feeling of wanting to have power over or wanting to really clamp down on control, or wanting to punish. So we have to be conscious enough to recognize what's happening when it's happening for both them, but also our response to it. We have to take the balcony seat here, and again, it takes work, and I can hear you, but, but, my teen is so disrespectful, or they lie, or they just don't care. Meet them where they are, be with them, deepen and nurture the relationship you have with them. Support them in feeling felt, validate them, and then use curiosity to understand even deeper what is currently going on in their life. Once you get through to that place, then you can find solutions that are useful to them. Then you can look for win, wins. Then you can have conversations about, hey, can we talk about the way that the tone and the voice that we're using with each other in the house, right? But until that connection is there, we're not going to find solutions that are useful and that last in the long term, right? I know, I know it's hard, but guess what? I have a reason. Source for you. If you're listening and you're nodding your head and thinking, yes, yes, yes, I could use some support here. I want more. If you're hungry for more of this, I've got you because I'm running the joyful courage Academy again. This will actually be the fourth round of this of the academy, and the fourth round, no, the fifth round and the third time that I've focused on teenagers, but this time, there's going to be two tracks. So those of you with tweens and preteens, I see you, and I've been hearing your feedback. I'm going to run a track for parents with kids in middle school, as well as a track for kids with older High School and Beyond kids. The program is going to start september 30, and registration opens today. Yay. Go to my website. Joyful courage.com/j. C, A, P, T and dial it in. The program consists of five weeks of content, and I'm taking what I've been sharing via audio and adding a webinar ish component. For those of you that are visual learners, again, I've received feedback from people who have gone through it. So you can opt into just listening or listening with a visual component. You also receive a really active community where I'm prompting conversation throughout the five weeks and a 90 minute one on one call with me to go deep into what your individual challenges are, right? 90 minutes, people, that is a fun chunk of time. And because of that, I am only taking 15 people in each track, right? So 15 people in either program. So if you are interested, if you're into it, head over to joyful courage.com/j. C, A, P, T, right now and get yourself registered. This program is an investment, right? This isn't a free program. It is an investment in time and in money and considering what we tend to spend money on, Isn't this our relationship with our growing kids? Worth an investment? Joyful, courage.com/j. C, A, P, T, check it out. Make it happen. Space is limited. Thank you so much for listening. It feels really good to be back in the podcasting space. You can always get more joyful courage by following me on Instagram and Facebook and joining the conversations in my Facebook communities. Live in love with joyful courage and joyful courage for parents of teens, check out my website for more offers like my book, soon to be in audiobook format, one on one, coaching and the archive of this podcast. Signing off for today, my friends, and leaving you with this in this moment, pause, take a deep breath. Ride that breath into your body, step up to the balcony seat and trust that Everything is going to be okay. See you next week.