Eps 200: SOLO SHOW Navigating my open, honest relationship with my teens

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Kay and Jay gave joyful courage a five star review and said that it is a must read for all parents. Casey outdid herself with this wonderful book which gives you real life scenarios, her own life experiences and different outcomes to make sure you always have an avenue to help you on this journey. While reading her book, you will constantly shake your head yes to many things she is sharing. This book helps you think outside the box from different angles, to help you think from your child's point of view with proper cause, in addition to making you look inside yourself to see what your triggers are and why you react to different things. Parents, we've got this and Casey truly helps us in this incredible life we all have. It is so exciting to me. When I get feedback about the book that sounds like this, that tells me that it's helpful and useful and applicable. I'm super excited to let you know that joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey will soon be out in audiobook format through audible Stay tuned for more details. Hey, hey, you, I see you out there. Actually, I don't see you out there, but I know that you're out there, and I'm so excited to remind you yet again that joyful courage, the audiobook edition is gonna be available for you in September. Yes, I have been working hard with my team to create a listening opportunity to take in and consume joyful courage calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey. Right? The book that I wrote for you and for me, and I am just thrilled that it is going to be available. So I know some of you do books on tape or like to listen through audible. That's where you're going to be able to find it is on Audible. So I just wanted to give you that little heads up. Be prepared. Be prepared, and I'll give you an exact date soon. Be sure that you're signed up for my newsletter, because that's a great place to get information. You can sign up by going to www dot joyful courage.com/join.

Hey listeners, Hey. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and information on the conscious parenting journey, where we talk about the real and raw challenges and celebrations of choosing to be a more aware, more mindful, thoughtful parent, and it's not really that easy all the time for all of us. So I created this podcast to support you and myself on the path of parenting the way that we want to parent, right parenting the way we want to parent. And this summer, the last few weeks, I've been re releasing shows that are inspiring to me, shows that include a lot of conversation around raising teenagers, as well as the last few weeks, which have been more about being grounded, being mindful, being more present. So if you haven't been listening this summer, I encourage you to go back and and to take in those shows, because they were chosen for a reason. Super powerful. Love them, and I know that you'll love them too. Today is super special. Today is super special because it is my 200th podcast episode. 200 episodes. Oh my gosh. Those of you that have been with me from the beginning, God bless you. Those of you that maybe haven't been with me from the beginning, but have consumed all of the episodes, God bless you too. Those of you that are just tuning in right now, maybe it's your first time, or maybe the last couple months, you just found me. I am so glad that you're here, and please know that there are so many shows, shows about really young kids, toddlers. I actually did a show years ago with Ariadne Brill from positive parenting connection, and we talked about raising attached babies. I think it's the only episode that I have that's specifically designed for parents with babies. It's so good. Google it. Find it. I have shows about toddlers and preschoolers. One of my favorites is episode 60 with Sandy Blackard, and she talks about her little program, recipe for supporting kids in in shifting, right, shifting out of whatever they're doing into something that you would like for them to be doing. It's called the language. Of love. She talks about say what you see. And it's a show that's, you know, geared towards preschoolers, but actually the language is really useful for everyone. I have shows, school age shows, I've got some back to school shows, I've got routines and agreement shows. I've got, you know, solo shows that are really highlighting where I'm at on my parenting journey. And I just want to say something about that, because I think it was a couple years ago, maybe it was a year ago, where I started to alternate between interview shows and solo shows, and what I found, and what you listeners have told me, is that it's really useful for you to hear somebody sharing from a place of authenticity around how it is what I'm experiencing, using positive discipline, moving towards being a more conscious parent every day, and that it's the struggle is real. So, you know, sometimes I think, oh my gosh, am I just like indulging myself when I get on here and talk about my situation? No, I talk about my situation for the greater good and so that we can all be in conversation together. I also want to show up as a model that one this work is super messy, right? This work is super messy. There's no perfection. So if that's what you're waiting for to feel like a good parent, you're gonna be waiting for a long time. This is an opportunity for personal growth and development. And again, that's a journey that just, you know, lasts until we are done with these human bodies, and it's okay to talk about it right in a world, in a time where everything's so curated, and you know, people are presenting and want to present as if nobody's got any problems and everybody's doing so great. You know, I wanted to create a space where it's like, actually, everyone's great, and it looks like a shit show over here sometimes. And that doesn't take away from how great everybody is, right? We might not be great in the moment. We might be struggling in a moment, but I would like to offer a model that really embraces the fact that struggling in a moment doesn't have to take over the entire experience of being a parent, right? And it's and it's hard, like it is hard I was recently, um, so by the way, this is a solo show. I figured episode 200 I'm gonna come in here, check in and do my own talking. So this is all me today, people, it's only taken me about seven minutes to let you in on that. But yes, today is a solo show with yours truly and really, what I want to highlight is a couple of things that have shown up for me lately now. You know in the reminiscing of the podcast, I want you also to know that I have many shows that talk about mindfulness and presence and personal growth and development, and the reason that those conversations are so important for me to me to bring to the listeners, even though you come to the show wanting to talk about parenting, if we're not going to talk about our own stuff, if we're not going To do the work of navigating when fear shows up and when hurt shows up. That's what I'm going to talk about a little bit today. Like that, that amazing opportunity for us to put ourselves in victim role, not useful. And it happens because, gosh darn it, especially when they become teenagers, man, they can hurt your feelings. And if we move from a place of hurt feelings, if we move from a place of fear or anger, and we're not aware that that's what we're doing, we can do a lot of damage, right? And

as you've heard me say, those of you that are long time listeners, one of my favorite things to say is the most powerful tool that we have for influencing behavior is the relationship that we create with our kids, right? So if that's true, then it matters how we show up to challenge challenges. It matters how we treat our children when we are feeling all our feelings and we're all like spun out in fear, anger, hurt, resentment, you know, kind of those darker emotions that are all human emotions. There. All allowed emotions. I'm not saying like it's not okay to have those experiences, or that if you find yourself there, that somehow you're bad or wrong, they're very natural and normal, especially as we move into the teen years. And that is true and how we are working towards being with those emotions and then interacting with the world, interacting with our family in a way that is useful and transparent and helpful, right? That matters. How we show up matters. And, man, it's hard, right? So I was recently, I'm writing a essay, hoping that the Washington Post will pick it up, and it's a personal essay about my favorite mantra, right? Fiercely committed, lovingly detached, in the context of raising teenagers and just really being honest that that is a that's like a, that's like a, it's like on the horizon, right? That's my goal. That's what I'm always trying to move towards, fiercely committed, lovingly detached, and how it's challenging. And as I was writing, I also kind of got into parenting style and really exploring, you know, I'm, I am a parent, and have you know, created my husband and I both, we've created this space of really open, honest conversation. And I know you've heard me talk about this before. We nothing is off limits. We talk about everything I I feel like I straddle, you know, what are my values like? What do I want? Ultimately, I want, you know, it would be great if my kids waited to have sex until you know they were like in their early 20s. Great. That would be great. Do I expect them to do that? Not really right when, when I drill down on that, really what I want to know is, is that when they are in relationship with someone, it's someone that they they feel safe with, it's someone that they trust, it's someone that they can be their authentic self with. I think it's important for our kids to have self worth, and for their partners to have self worth and not to be in a conversation of you know, quote, You complete me like I see really healthy relationship as two whole people coming together, right? And so really wanting to share that message with my kids, and being really eyes wide open around the fact that teenagers have sex, right? So I also want my kids to be able to talk to me about that and to know that they're safe. And it becomes really slippery. Hey, just popping in, because I want to make sure that you know what's coming? Oh my gosh, I'm really excited. I have created the parenting teens with positive discipline encore offer. Now I know some of you did the parenting teen summit last January and loved it. It was amazing. And what I've done is I've taken all that content and I've distilled it down into smaller, bite sized pieces, and so it's still gonna be a week of learning, but I've curated the conversations to pull out the big nuggets and the big messages, and I'm so, so excited, and I've put it all together for free for You. The summit will run September 9 through the 13th. Yay, and you have to register. You can register now over at joyful courage.com/t, s, fall 19, that's w, w, w. Dot joyful courage.com/t, s, F, A, L, l1, nine, register there, and you get on the list. And then come September 9, you will, for five days, get these beautiful, curated audios that are going to support you in navigating both the teen years and being the positive discipline parent that you want to be. All of the guests are deeply wise. They have experience with raising teenagers, and they are positive discipline trainers and lead trainers so they know the work, they know the work, and the conversations are real. They're raw. And really highlights that this is hard and we can do it. So be sure to register now. And you know, same thing with drugs and alcohol. You know, my like drugs and alcohol, right? Like it's illegal to consume until you're 21 and at least like weed and and and alcohol here in Washington State, weed is legal when you're 21 and you know, I also know that some teenagers partake, and I want my kids to be willing to talk to me. I want them to be willing to call me if they need help. I want them to know how to navigate when it comes up. I want them to know how to navigate if they decide that they want to partake. I want them to know that drinking one beer is gonna make you know, will make them feel one way, but having, you know, three jello shots is going to make them feel another way. I want them to know and have one liners to get out of situations. I want them to have the conscious thought around if I'm going to do this, am I safe? If this gets weird, do these people have my back? I want to be able to have those conversations with them, and I don't want them to have this experience that I'm basically saying, like, I don't care if you do this. And so it's really slippery, right? It can feel really slippery. And I, and I don't, I like, don't have the perfect answer, you know, I don't I am. I'm trusting my gut that it's powerful for them to have an experience where they can bring anything to myself and my husband. And you know, it might be 10 years from now where they look back and they say, Yeah, you really should have laid down the law on that. Oh, gosh, I hope they don't say that, but they might right, just like all of us can look back at our parenting, how we were parented, and say, Yeah, you probably could have done this, or you probably could have done that better, right? I'm sure my kids are going to have those things, and I just get to trust that. What my gut is telling me and my higher self, which I tap into through meditation and journaling and really taking advantage of those grounded moments where clarity is in the room, and really think through who I want to be for my kids. And it's really challenging. It's really challenging. And when I asked the kids, I'm going to read you straight from the text, I actually asked the kids, because in my writing, I was um, I shared with them what I was writing about, and so I shared from the piece, which so I'm just going to read it to you. Ultimately, I'm so grateful that my kids talk to me, but having this relationship does not mean that my kids don't engage in the things that many teens engage in. This leads me to think in my openness to talking and sharing, have my kids received the message that, you know, quote, mom's cool with their risky choices. Don't get me wrong. It isn't a free for all over here. However, my husband and I both are believers in finding solutions to problems versus using rewards or imposing consequences when the kids mess up. This doesn't mean the kids are getting away with things. What it does mean is that we have open conversations, and the kids are required to make things right and fix their mistakes. Consequences that do show up are the natural consequences that exist in response to the mistakes they've made. I thought I would, and here's this part. I thought I would go to the kids and see what they thought about our parenting style. I asked them, How do you feel about the open, honest conversation and relationship that you have with me? What would make it a more useful parenting style, in your opinion? And so this is what I hear from my daughter, who's 16. She says,

I think having open conversations is good, and it makes it much easier to ask you about things. On the other hand, it can sometimes seem like you're giving me permission to do things, and then when I ask you about it, you say no. So it can be a little hypocritical in uncertain situations. It would be more useful if on some things you weren't as open, or maybe didn't leave things up for interpretation on issues that aren't clear. Yeah, so have you ever asked your kids about your parenting style? Um, that was a really interesting experience for me, because when I then went to her first. Follow up. I was like, tell me more about this. She because I felt like, Oh no. I guess I asked that question, hoping they would be like, Oh, your style's amazing. And you're just, I'm so glad you're my mom. Like, if I'm being super honest, I think that's probably what I was hoping for, which is exactly what I got from my son, who was like, I think it's good and I don't think you need to change anything, you know. And Rowan got a little bit more explicit. So when I went to her, you know, and wanted to get some more feedback,

she was like, Mom, it's not this big, you know, you don't have to make a big deal about it. I'm just letting you know that there are places of uncertainty and there are places where I'm confused as to what exactly you're saying. Is okay. And so I get to hold that and I get to recognize that I sat down and did a huge journaling session just really reiterating my values, because I think that's really important, and making it really clear, like, I'm not okay with XYZ, even as I know you might choose to do XYZ. It's not something that I value and it's not something that I believe you should be doing. And you know, I'm gonna make sure that you're okay. I'm going to be here for you, and we're going to get through it and get curious about it. So anyway, it's messy. It's so messy, people. And I just thought I'd come on, you know, episode 200 right? Episode 200 that's four years of putting out this podcast and recognizing it's been 12 years since I've been teaching positive discipline. My kids are 13 and 16 today, and it's still challenging. And while I am well versed in the quote, framework and program of positive discipline, I don't have all the answers. I still am in the question of, what's the best thing for my child right now, what's the best thing for our relationship right now? And you think that that answer would be like, right there, super easy, and sometimes it just isn't right. There's so many layers to this relationship and this experience and this journey that we're on, that to think that, you know, things are black and white, and just do this, and this is your outcome, is short sighted, right? It's short sighted. I was working with a client. I was working with clients yesterday, and we were talking about, we were talking about how to motivate our kids. And when you know how, you know how we all do this, right? If we need to get something done, we might say, like, Hey, listen, come with me. I'll get you a coffee, or I'll get you a milkshake, or I'll get you a sucker. We'll go do this thing, and then we'll come home, and there is a little bit of like, I'll scratch your back. You scratch mine right now, every once in a while, throwing that out there isn't doesn't make you a bad parent, right? Sometimes it's like, hey, we can throw a little bit of special time in, and then we'll go to the grocery store, or, then we'll go around this errand or, but then we'll go to this, this thing that's less fun, but when you get into the routine and the rhythm of every time we have to do something that the child doesn't necessarily want to do we're going to offer them something in return. Then it starts to get a little murky, then it's not so useful, right? And so the question was, so should we never do that? And my answer is like, just know what you're doing when you're doing it, right? And don't expect that. You know this is something that is going to be useful in the long term for your child. I think that goes for a lot of the tools that we have. You know, we talk about curiosity questions and we talk about limited choices. Does that mean that when we're using curiosity and questions, that every single moment of the day we're looking for those opportunities to say, you know, to ask questions instead of give commands, no sometimes when we're really good at curiosity questions, most of the time, that means that when we say, Listen, you got to put your shoes on and grab your backpack. We got to go. They're going to be more willing, more likely to participate and cooperate in those moments, because we filled their bucket with significance and belonging through the ways that we've treated them throughout the day, right? And I get to remember this too, like you know, when I think about the feedback that I got about my parenting style from my daughter, like remembering that mostly this open, honest relationship stuff is really useful and really powerful and really helpful, and there are some places where I could tighten it up. Great, great. Oh, so yeah, I am here for you. So I am here for, let's say, let's say, we'll do at least another 200 of these episodes. Okay, let's do that. Let's commit to that. I hope that, if this is your first time listening, go back and search through all the other shows. They're so good. I have the most amazing guests on my podcast, and you know I'm in it with you, and so listen to those solo shows. And my hope is that when you hear me talk about my experience, you hear yourself and you see your own experience, and you know that you're not having this unique, isolated, really tough time, that we are all in it. We are all in it, and it's messy, right? And it's messy. So that's what I wanted to come on to say today. I hope that for those of you that don't start school till the end of the month or early September, I hope that you are enjoying these last few weeks of a summer. And those I know that some of you, your kids, are going back, and you know, I am not going to pretend that I'm not envious, because I am, I am. I love routine. I kind of love the school year routine, even as summer is my favorite season. I do like routine. Um, but yeah, loving you would love to hear from you. Um, oh, I wanted to share some reviews that have come up on iTunes. I always say, you know, leave a review and maybe I'll talk about it on the podcast. So now I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. So I recently heard august 1, I got a review from one SDD, grdcb, I'm not going to try to make that into a word anyway, this person gave five stars and said, Where has this been all my parenting life? So happy to have found this podcast. I absolutely love what Casey is putting out there. I'm only a few episodes in, but already feel empowered with support and tools to keep on with this parenting thing, maybe I'll make it after all, I love that. I'm so glad that you found me. I also got, on July 15, a five star review from Christian mojso. I probably butchered that last name. Apologies to Christian. Great podcast. The host, Casey is very enthusiastic and cares deeply about the subject of parenting. She is a parent herself, and so she draws upon her own experience as well as the experience of other parenting experts. This depth and breadth of knowledge about parenting makes her a great guide for any parent who wants to raise great kids, keep up the good work. Casey, oh, thank you. And in June, my good friend Sarah McLaughlin, she gave me a five star review. I may have already mentioned this one, but I'm just going to read it again because it feels good. Awesome podcast for moms and dads. Casey clearly loves what she does, and it shines through. Her guests are great, if I do say so myself, and her questions are thoughtful and wise, not to mention her solo shows. So great. Take a listen. Thanks, Sarah. And Sarah's actually been a guest on the podcast. You should check out her work, because she is a brilliant parent educator. So thanks for the reviews they're so important for the way that Apple podcasts advertises podcasts. So the more reviews I can get, the more positive reviews I can get, the more they show joyful courage as a show you might also like to people that are listening to podcasts. So we want that. We want more people listening to the show, because that means more people are doing the work of showing up as connected and conscious parents. And if we, I mean, imagine if we could raise a generation of kids, you know, if we could have a generation of parents work through their own stuff, be committed to personal growth and development raise their kids with, you know, consciousness and connection the crazy shit that's showing up in the world. And you know what I'm talking about, especially those of you in the United States. We are coming off a week of a lot of pain and suffering with the mass shootings in El Paso and in Dayton, Ohio, we've got to, we've got to do better for our kids, right? Because hurting people hurt people. And, yeah, it's up to our generation. It's up to the parents, right? And it's up to the lawmakers, like, we need to start thinking about any decision we make in the government, the idea needs to be what's best for kids, right? What is the best for kids? Because ultimately, they are the ones that matter. They're the ones that are growing into the next generation of leaders and coworkers. Anyway, that's a whole rabbit hole that I'm not going to get into, but super stoked. Be back with you guys. I've missed you. This summer, I'm gonna have another repeat show, another re release next week, and then I'll be back again, and then another re release, and then in September, I have brand new interviews for you that I'm so excited to share. So yay. See you soon. Have a great week. Thank you for listening. I'm

so honored to serve you each and every week. I love hearing about what you think of the show. A great place to share is iTunes. Your review will help others find the show and take in the goodness and you never know. I may read your review live on the podcast. Big thank you to my team, Tay Alison and Chris Mann from pod shaper, so grateful for the ways you all support me and the work of joyful courage. Until next week, bring your attention to your breath. Ride it into your body. Find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.