Eps 186: Teasing apart Emotional Regulation with Anna Seewald

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Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Hey, what is up podcast, listeners, I am so glad that you have found yourself at the joyful courage podcast. This is a place where we celebrate real and raw conversations about raising kids with conscious parenting and positive discipline. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, I'm a facilitator. I'm a parent coach. Most importantly, I am a mom of two teenagers, and I am walking the path of more mindful, intentional parenting right alongside of you. Please know that this podcast is created for you. I create it for you and for our community. And if you love it, feel free to share it with all of your family and friends over social media. Let's spread the word. Let's get as many people as possible listening to this show. Please write a review on Apple's podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and join the Patreon community, where parents, just like you are contributing just a small little amount each month to the show and enjoying perks like monthly webinars and community conversations about the content you hear on this podcast. Check the show notes for links and more details on all of that. I am so, so grateful that you are here and now. Enjoy the show. Welcome listeners, and my guest today is Ana sewald. Ana is a parent educator, keynote speaker, author and host of the authentic parenting podcast, with a background in psychology and education, having worked with children for 18 years, today, she helps conscious moms and dads to become calm and connected to themselves and their children through trauma, informed education. She believes in helping children by helping parents. She has a private practice that specializes in parent education, where she provides one on one parent coaching, parenting, court ordered and co parenting classes. You can find more about [email protected] Hi there, Anna, welcome to the podcast.

Anna Seewald 2:14
Hi Casey, glad to be here.

Casey O'Roarty 2:16
Please share with the listeners a little bit more about your journey of doing what you do.

Anna Seewald 2:22
Oh, that's a long journey. I'll try to summarize. I'll jump into the last chapter of that story. When I became a mom, basically about 11 years ago. At that time, I used to work with kids all throughout my life, throughout my career, because I wanted to help children. And once I became a mom, it just hit me that, oh my gosh, it's parents who need help and support. And in order to raise the next generation, you know, I need to support the parents. And so it shifted my perspective. And slowly, you know, I built my practice, and today, as you mentioned, those are the things that I do.

Casey O'Roarty 3:07
So you have, do you have an 11 year old? Is that how old your oldest is?

Anna Seewald 3:12
Yes, she is about to turn 11 in April, and

Casey O'Roarty 3:15
just one child. Just one child. All right, all right. Well, I just want to publicly acknowledge how lovely it was to be on your show because we were together. Was it last week? Yes, I think so. Yeah. So listeners, Anna had me on her show in support of my book that's coming out so and it was so fun to connect with you. Finally, we've been connecting online for a long time, but to be in conversation in real time was really fun, and I am just really excited to get to host you here on joyful courage. So thanks.

Anna Seewald 3:54
Yes, of course, likewise, I'm happy to be here. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 3:57
today we're gonna dig into emotional regulation. So talk to me a bit about what emotional regulation means to you.

Anna Seewald 4:06
Yes. How about if I give you an example, and on that example, I'll tell you what it means. So as you read in my bio, I provide co parenting classes. So this is usually people who go through divorce, custody battles and child protective services that you know, they are required to take court ordered parenting classes, and oftentimes the couple has to take a co parenting class, which usually they don't want to attend. Trust me, they don't want to see one another, right, or be together. So I managed to get this couple in the same room, and the first 25 minutes, it was going, you know, really well, everybody was behaving and normal and collaborating. And at some point, the. This 40 year old woman jumped out of her seat, bolted out of her seat, started yelling at this poor man insults and threats and got into this explosive behavior and just slammed the door without saying anything or apologizing, and just disappeared from my office. Wow, was she emotionally regulated? No. Was this mature of her to act like that out of nowhere? Actually, no. So when we talk about children, it's hard for us right to regulate our own emotions. That example illustrates that. So it's a skill, it's a lifelong skill that we need to learn, and just basically, simply put emotion regulation is the ability to regulate our own emotions and choose actions that are appropriate in that situation doesn't have consequences. So we learned this as a skill from a young age. But again, if our parents didn't possess those skills, you know, the cycle goes on and on, right, right,

Casey O'Roarty 6:17
yeah, right. And I think that we parents really get into mischief when we see emotional dysregulation. I think I've seen parents see their children's tantrums or meltdowns or whatever you want to call it as a character flaw, or my child's just trying to manipulate. They just want to get what they want. They just want attention. And something really special starts happening when we can see it out of the lens of, oh, my child is missing the skills that he or she needs to be able to navigate whatever this flood of emotion is that's happening.

Anna Seewald 6:55
Right? Absolutely, absolutely. It's, of course, young children are very emotional, especially toddlers, preschoolers, their brain is still developing. And children under the age of six, they're very right brain dominant, meaning they're very emotional. They don't have this ability simply to process the world the way we do, right? So everything to them is black and white. You serve the wrong shape of pasta, it's a huge meltdown. You know, my favorite sippy cup is in the dishwasher. It's a big temper tantrum. So for them, the world is really black and white, and there are no nuanced emotions. The emotions are really big, and that can trigger parents, especially parents who had traumatic childhood experiences. You know, not all of us were lucky to have attuned caregivers who were, you know, emotionally aware themselves, or had this knowledge of emotion coaching, right? Many people grew up in traumatic experiences. They had neglectful parenting, poverty, you know, busy parents, single parents, so conditions are different, and so when we come from that kind of background our children speak feelings today can really trigger strong reactions in us. And I think

Casey O'Roarty 8:30
too about, you know, even if we can look back and think what it was okay, it wasn't, you know, I wouldn't call it traumatic, but perhaps our parents had those dysregulated times, but then never came back and owned it or cleaned up their mistake, or, I think that even then, there's some unresolved healing that can so often come to the surface when we have our kids and we don't realize what's coming to the surface, all we know is that we're super pissed, right?

Anna Seewald 8:58
Yes, it also could. It doesn't have to be your childhood. It could be the everyday stress that that is so stressful and overwhelming these days to parent with no support, you know, with limited resources, with a lot of pressure from society, from social media and so parenting is a really emotionally draining, stressful job, and on top of that, you know, we weren't raised with this emotional education or coaching, and now we know better, and we want to do better, but it's hard, so we need to be patient with ourselves. Know that it's not a loss. We can learn, and yes, we can teach those skills to our children today so that they can have a better life. Because if you have, what are the benefits of emotional regulation, right? If you are aware, first of all, of your inner landscape. You know what emotions are. You're in tune with yourself. It helps you to relate to other people better. You are good at conflict resolution. You don't blow things out of proportion and remaining conflict and stall and blackmail, and you're able to handle yourself and other people manage your emotions a lot better, so that helps you to have a better life, performance, job, relationships, marriage, academics. So this is really a fundamental skill that can help our children throughout their entire life, right?

Casey O'Roarty 10:41
I mean, I think about it as the difference between, you know, would you rather be flexible and easygoing or super rigid, you know? And that rigidity, just like even the word rigid, brings tension to my body, and flexible and easygoing is not the same thing as being a doormat, right? It's, it's the skills of we can stand up for ourselves while also, and it doesn't have to look like a tirade. It doesn't have to look like the woman in your office who was clearly hurting and and you couldn't contain it, right? Yes,

Anna Seewald 11:13
yes. And I know her background, so given her history, of course, it makes total sense, yeah, yes, and but I worry now about her raising her children, because let's see. If I don't know the ABCs, how can I teach reading to my child? Yeah, you see what I mean. So in order to teach self regulation or regulation skills to our children. First and foremost, we need to learn those same skills ourselves. Oh

Casey O'Roarty 11:46
yeah. Oh yeah. My listeners know that is my soapbox. That is what I like to talk about, that's for sure. So Anna, when you talk about what is CO regulation? Excellent

Anna Seewald 11:57
question, because this just goes right into it. How do we learn self regulation through the process of CO regulation, meaning a child doesn't learn out of thin air, those fantastic skills that we're talking about? Right? We need an attuned, sensitive, responsive caregiver who creates this environment, who possesses the skills herself, first and foremost. And then through this process of CO regulation, which is a very natural process, we learn to develop self regulation. And we're wired for this connection, right, for example, and we know how it feels to feel co regulated in the company of another human being. The other day, my neighborhood, people threw a party for us because we're moving and in our busy day to day life, we don't have time to socialize, to do parties, right? It's very rare these days, and so we went to this party, and we spent two hours just relaxing, talking, drinking tea, remembering things. And when I came home, my nervous system felt so nourished, and I'm like, wow, that's co regulation when we're together, exchanging this wonderful warm energy in this supportive environment. It's so healthy for us, emotionally, mentally and, you know, in general, it releases lots of good hormones. So we want to create that for our children. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 13:37
and it brings to mind, you know, the experience of when our kids get hurt. And you know that choice between, oh my gosh, you're hurt, oh my gosh, you know, like when the parent is really worried and it's coming out through their mouth and behavior, versus Hey, you're okay. Everything's gonna be okay. And we keep our energy kind of down and low, and the the ways that our children respond to how we're responding to the event, I think, is another really good example of of CO regulation, and it's funny how we can show up so well when our kids are are falling apart because they're Hurt, like physically hurt a skinned knee, a broken arm, and then when it's something that is more emotional, when it's overwhelming emotions around disappointment or embarrassment or anger, Somehow it is harder for us to muster up. I

what we need to stay Hey, you're gonna be okay. It becomes, I don't know what happens in the brain for us.

Anna Seewald 14:53
Yes, it triggers our childhood stuff, because when we were kids, our attuned caregivers. Perhaps wasn't there. Didn't know properly how to do this CO regulation, and of course, we can't blame them. They knew what they knew, right? That's why, in some people, it triggers strong feelings, because of that, your inner child sort of wakes up. For me, for example, when I hear a child cry, not my own child, a child like a stranger, child in a public place. I just want to go and rescue and it took me years to understand. Why is this a strong trigger for me, not my own child, my own child. I have this understanding, this parenting. It's different type of reaction, you know what I mean? Yeah, so I did a lot of reflection and thinking and and it took me to my third grade year, when my little cousin was probably not even two years old, very little and I was, I think, either in second grade or third grade. My school was near my grandparents house, where my uncle also lived with them, and everybody was at work. However, I don't know why they arranged it like this to adults. I mean, my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, there was this short period, maybe 20 minutes, I guess that they had me as a caregiver, present with this little baby, basically, and before somebody could come from work. And

Casey O'Roarty 16:37
the 70s, right? But the 70s, maybe the 80s. I don't know how old you are.

Anna Seewald 16:43
I think this Well, I am. I am 45 but that must have been in the 80s, early 80s, right? Yeah. So I clearly remember when I was watching this cousin of mine, who is now in his 30s, one day he cried so inconsolably that I, as a eight year old kid, dumped him on the couch and just left. And to this day, well, obviously later, they reprimanded me, my parents, my grandparents, somebody came home and they saw this baby left alone. They said, Where is the babysitter, and and all of that. However you see what I mean to this day, that trigger is so alive in me when I hear a baby cry, yeah, it's just but once I made this connection, I'm able to monitor and respond differently,

Casey O'Roarty 17:40
yeah, so what? What do you share with parents to support them and being with their child who's having a hard time? Because I think sometimes you know there's the there's the connecting to what is coming up, but practically right on a practical level, what are some tools that you share with parents that help them? Because it can feel really I mean, I understand when parents come to me and say, Well, you know, they're just being dramatic, or they're just trying to control the situation, or I can't let them, you know, one that I hear when it's like, pull them in instead of push them away, and it becomes like, well, then they're getting what they want, right? These are all the I'm sure you hear the same kinds of things from parents. Yes,

Anna Seewald 18:27
yeah. So I can, I can give some tips to the parent to stay regulated in the moment. I can share with you my four step calm formula, awesome. And I also share with you tips how to deal with your child in that moment. First and foremost, it begins with the mindset shift and going from this point of view that your child is still developing, the brain is not fully developed, and tantrums and meltdowns are not misbehavior. And in fact, there is no misbehavior. There is only behavior. I don't use that word. And so reframing makes you choose your actions differently in the moment, understanding that this is not your child trying to get you. This is a dysregulated child in their nervous system, their brain takes over. And when they are dysregulated like that, their stress response is activated, so everything to them is a source of threat, including mom and dad. So they kick, they run, they do all those behavioral things. We assume these are bad behaviors, and yes, they are not acceptable behaviors, but we want to see the root cause of that. So we want to help this child who is dysregulated to get regulated through the process of CO regulation, as it's complicated stuff, but it's not so. What I would suggest is come up with this saying, like I teach this to my clients. Come from this place of I am healthy. Helping my child to regulate. When you come from this perspective, I am helping you are a coach. You are a facilitator. You are no longer there to get your child to stop that behavior, or whatever this is nature. This is their nervous system, and it's not voluntary. They're not doing this consciously, even though sometimes it may look like that. So that's number one second. I think this phrase I'm helping my child is, is really key. And many parents have told me it's key. You could also say this is not an emergency. This is just my child, you know, dysregulated. So I teach, I teach those words to my clients. Because I think when we use those kind of words and we label the events or the concepts, it helps us stay regulated, because you're accessing your own prefrontal cortex and then in that moment. So let's go through the four step formula, since I'm already talking about this calm, calm stands for C is for compassion for yourself, because this is not an easy moment, woman, Mama, it's not easy. We know this. So you need to give yourself compassion before you enter into the scene. You You may put your hand on your heart and take a deep breath before you enter where siblings are fighting and yelling and something like that. That takes a literally couple of seconds, but makes a huge difference. Breath, you know, putting your hand on your heart

Casey O'Roarty 21:37
I pull I pull my shoulders, yeah, I pull my shoulders down and back a little bit. That's a way that kind of grounds me and feel my feeling my feet. Yeah, yes.

Anna Seewald 21:47
Everybody can come up with their own self compassion move or right. Everybody can develop their own. So there is no one way. The second one is, the A in calm is assess your arousal level on a scale of one to five. Like, very quickly in that moment, say, I mean, is this an emergency? Like five? Is my child really gonna be in danger? Oh, no, it's just two. Okay, deep breath. So this is, again, takes couple of seconds. L is language. Now you're engaging your prefrontal cortex because you don't want to be reactive in that moment. You don't want to get triggered. So in that moment you can say, oh, it just two children are fighting my dysregulated child. I need to help my child. This is not an emergency. Whatever mantra or kind of statement you can develop ahead of time to use in those moments is you're good to go, and M is mindfulness. So when you do those three steps, the M would be to just engage your body, your senses in that moment, smell something, look at the red object again. Maybe you're a visual person, maybe you're auditory. Identify three sounds, the clock, the dishwasher and the wind. And when you do this, you are already shifting from reactivity into responsiveness. And by giving this description, it sounds like it's a long process, but trust me, when you do it, it's very quick. It takes seconds, and now you are in a different state when you enter to help your dysregulated child to co regulate, because the way your child is going to come out of that dysregulation is by you being calm, your face being relaxed, your facial expression has to be compassionate, not tense, your posture, your gestures have to be non threatening, because in that moment, your child doesn't feel safe. So we have these two systems, safety and threat. When children are dysregulated or any human being, that means they're not feeling safe. The woman who was in my office, she wasn't feeling safe. She felt threatened by our interaction, so she did that. And if, in that moment I said, come back, right here, sit down, not hang she would have attacked more. But if I went outside and I said, Oh, I'm sweetie sorry, I held her hand, and I say, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. And I had a compassionate look, and I was not angry. I would say, Oh, I understand it must be hard. And I held her or rubbed her hand and just showed presence that it's okay. I accept this. She would have come down, and she would have responded probably better, right? So that's what we need to do with our children.

Casey O'Roarty 24:49
Hey everybody, sorry for this short interruption of this amazing interview that I know you're enjoying. I just wanted to pop in and remind you that. But you can still order joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey on presale. And I really, really want you to order presale, because I've created a really fantastic bonus gift for everyone that orders the book presale, and it is a companion guide. The companion guide is going to support you in taking what you read and learn about in the book and really putting it into practice in your life. Because how many of us read amazing things or listen to amazing things and then we're like, yeah, I should do that, and we never move into the action. So the companion guide is going to help you with the action, head over to the website, joyful courage.com/book that's the link. You can also just go to joyful courage.com and you'll see in the little navigation bar at the top where it says the book. Click on that, all right. There you will get the link to buy, as well as directions on how to get your hands on the companion guide. Thank you so much for all the ways that you support me and this podcast and the work of joyful courage. I am so just honored and grateful to get to be a space holder for you big love. Enjoy the rest of the podcast. Yeah, and I feel like, when we create a practice, you know, and I love your calm formula at the end of that, when we walk into the room to support the siblings that are having a hard time, or whatever the challenge is, we are opening, it's as if we are opening. We're taking the lid off. We're opening the door to so many more possibilities than if we storm in, triggered and angry. I feel like we would, that's when we would really what we have there is like blame, shame, humiliation. You know, that's really what we've got when we show up to circumstances full of our own angst versus I'm gonna walk in calm. It's like there are so many more pathways to possibility, to solutions, to even the lens that we see our kids out of is so different. It's so much more expansive than the narrow lens of, gosh darn it. Here they are again. So I really appreciate that,

Anna Seewald 27:28
yes, because we don't want to take it personally, this situation has happened all the time throughout the day, normal, everyone. It's normal. It's developmentally appropriate. Everybody goes from regulated to dysregulated, then regulate it again. We're all normal human beings. There's nothing wrong with your child. There's nothing wrong with you. This is just simple biology we need to learn and be with that. That's the first and foremost. And before you react, the key here is to earn a little bit of time to calm yourself down in whatever you do, you may use the from my calm formula or or the full steps, or you may choose only the compassion, and it may work for you. You may choose only the breathing, whatever works. Sometimes I only use the mantra. I say I am helping my child. I don't need to do this elaborate stuff. You know, some situations are more complicated than others, but when a mama sees her two siblings fight, of course, your threat system gets activated involuntarily, and you see your other child who is hitting your smaller child as a source of threat. So you want to charge and attack, because your biology now kicks in, right? Not

Casey O'Roarty 28:43
to mention I hold a lot like me. Personally, I am the oldest child, and I was terrible to my siblings, just I mean, I'm still I still apologize. Everybody's forgiven me. We have very great relationships now. I'm so grateful. Shout out to Chris and Jamie and Kate and Justy, but I was a nightmare. And so it's interesting how quickly, and I've worked a lot around this, but especially when the kids were younger. And my my oldest, who's a girl, you know, my daughter would pick on her brother. Man, it was like zero to 60, and I had to work really hard. Typically, it was going to the dysregulated place and then supporting myself in finding that pause and finding that calm, because it was I would just go there so fast and and it had, you know, really nothing to do with her, and everything to do with the discomfort I was feeling in my own, you know, history of behavior as the oldest child and not being so nice. So I really appreciate that, and I appreciate and this is something I love to talk about. You know, sometimes when we're in those moments, it's if our only tool is to try to talk ourselves out of how we feel. I. We can, you know, I feel like our surface level, our ego brain, is really good at saying, No, this is justified. You should go and let them have it, right? Like that voice is pretty well, it's pretty loud, and so I love the option of breath, you know, connecting with body having a mantra where it's not about talking ourselves out of anything, instead it's it's shifting the posture of our body, or tapping into our nervous system so that our mind can then follow Yes,

Anna Seewald 30:34
and here's what I would even add to to this. Remember when our children are distressed, let's say, and everybody knows their own child, right? Like, I know when my child is on a scale of one to five, when she's really upset, like, number five, I know this is a serious matter, or when it's one or two, like, it's not so much. So when we enter into the scene, our compassion level has to match the intensity of the emotion the child is feeling. Otherwise, whatever work we do, this CO regulation that I'm going to describe step by step is going to fall short, and we do this naturally as human beings. You know, when somebody comes and tells you, you know, I just got fired from my work, your friend, let's say, and they're very upset. You don't say, Oh yeah, let's go to the movies. Yeah, forget about that. Yeah, some people may say that, but you will say, what kind of a person are you? You don't feel validated, you don't feel accepted, so yeah, or seen, or everything. So we need to do the same with our children.

It has to match the intensity of their feeling. If your child is really upset about something, you can be compassionate to that level, and it works like magic. You don't have to say a word, only your facial expression make this sad puppy look and say, Oh, it's so hard for you, sweetie, right now you're having a hard time. You wanted that cookie and your brother took it. Your mommy said no, and you wanted to watch another show. I know you don't have to say much. I think your your presence is key, because when your child is dysregulated, the verbal centers of the brain are out of commission. So we need to bring the child into regulated state in order for them to process language. So by being composed, calm and compassionate on our face and gestures, we have more power below their eye level that you are not a threat physical presence. You don't say many words. You can just say a sentence on or hold their hand or rub their back if they allow. You can hold them if not, you just look at them sadly or compassionately. Can say one sentence like that to summarize their inner experience that you understand, Oh, your favorite toy, broken, blah, blah, blah, oh my gosh and yes. And then you can say, you know, just kind of validating. You know what is exclamation, whatever those sounds are. And then you listen. You listen some more, and the emotion will run its course. It's, it's, it has this bell curve, it has the peak, and it goes down. And you will notice, when you provide that emotional safety, your child will relax and become regulated. The breathing will shift, and their movements will soften, and the gestures and everything, because they're not in that fight or flight anymore. However, their cortisol level may be up, still, right? The stress hormone so and when they come out of this state, they go into problem solving phase. So then maybe we can talk about

Casey O'Roarty 34:05
that. Yeah, well, and yeah, I definitely want to talk about that. But first I also want, and I know that I'm sure that you would agree here, that, you know, I think often we're looking for a formula, and it would be easy to listen to what you just said and say, okay, okay, I say this, I do this, but really, listeners, I want you to hear it's not so much having a compassionate face and statement to say. It's bringing compassion alive inside of you, and I love that your podcast and work is called authentic parenting, because all of this without Authenticity will fall flat. You know, I think especially as your kids get older and their BS radars get more tuned in. You know, it's not about what you say as much as it is about the energy that you're bringing to the to the exchange, because they know when you're just following a script. And maybe they don't know it in their consciousness, but they definitely it's just not helpful. So practicing that alive, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but so what? And then you moving into problem solving. So they've become regulated, and, you know, their little bodies release some tension. You

Anna Seewald 35:18
don't want to do a formula. You can memorize step by steps in the beginning, maybe you can make a few mistakes, and for sure, it is but it comes very naturally to all of us. I guarantee people listening, they do it with other adults a lot more easily than with children. For whatever reason, I don't know what's why it is that hard we offer compassion and we listen to other people. You know, we are eager and we're willing with our kids, somehow we see this as a misbehavior and we want to correct and that is not about that see them as human beings, and so that has to be the goal. And sometimes you don't have time, sometimes you're in a rush. Sometimes you can't handle emotion coaching, and that's okay too. Sometimes you need to walk away. I don't want to sound like this is the way to go. This is the ideal way, right? But if you're busy, you can just acknowledge your child's feeling in the moment. You can say, You know what, honey, it sounds like you really, really want to do this, but I'm running late for my work. And you know what? When we come back, let's talk about this. You didn't dismiss your child. You acknowledge but you don't have time to do this type of work.

Casey O'Roarty 36:33
So and I think the more often you show up in that compassionate way of being, the more easygoing they become when the response is, I see you, I see your pain. And this is what's happening right now. We will address this later. Absolutely.

Anna Seewald 36:48
Yes, they become more regulated over time, absolutely. And so when children finish, so to speak, their emotion, they come out the other side, they can access their prefrontal cortex, their thinking brain, and they may say, I don't want to play anymore. I just want to go outside, Mommy, Mommy, can we eat a snack? Mommy? They will change the subject. Find the solution to the problem that existed. Come up with a resolution here. I really encourage parents not to jump in and offer a solution, because I want parents to encourage the child to be in charge for this autonomy purposes. It's very empowering after this big cry, let's say over a broken toy or a disappointment or some kind of distress that the child had, give the opportunity to the child instead of saying, okay, honey, now that you're done, okay, let's go and do this. It's so easy for us to just finish and do something right, but when the kid comes up with his own problem solving idea, it's very empowering. Let's say I come to you and I'm crying, and you give me a shoulder, you listen, and you say, oh my gosh, Ana, it sounds horrible. I'm like, I know, Casey, I don't know what to do. I don't want you to solve my problem. I want you to listen to me and validate and be there with your empathy. And honestly, when you show up like that, you give me so much power and courage to figure out what my next steps will be. But you know what I mean. But as parents, we want to also help so much that we take that autonomy away and that problem solving, and a child now feels disempowered.

Casey O'Roarty 38:35
And what do you feel like? You know, because we talk a lot, I talk a lot with parents about, you know, just like what you're talking about, we can't in the moment. Problem solving is not useful because they're not connected to that part of their brain that's going to support them in that when they're dysregulated and when there is an, like, you know, a sibling conflict, or they're disappointed about something happening, I don't know, like when there's a problem, an actual problem to solve, other than just how to move on from whatever they're experiencing. Do you have because sometimes parents will say, you know, because I like to support and say, Well, you know, it's really important to talk to your kids about I noticed when our plans changed you. It was really hard for you, and you had a really hard time. Let's talk a little bit about that. And sometimes kids will say, No, I don't want to talk about that. Do you have any How do you support parents around their like, when they feel like, well, my child just won't talk about whatever their experience was.

Anna Seewald 39:39
That's okay, too, right with Why? Why do we want to harangue them and force them into something they they're not ready, or they don't want to be part of some children, naturally, are in tune with their emotions. They love to talk about it. Some children are more withdrawn and introverted. They don't they process their emotions, but they. Don't want to talk and share, and that's okay too. I think honoring and respecting who your child is is key too. However, communicating that you're always available, that you're there, I think that's key. So when your child really needs you, that door, that invitation has to be present, don't give up and say, Oh, my child, you know, he doesn't want to talk to me, so I'm never even gonna offer the invitation. And you know, you always leave it on the table, the door is always open. I think that understanding has to be mutual, and so children will like my daughter, loves opening up and sharing, and perhaps girls are more

Casey O'Roarty 40:41
like that. Oh, no, it's the opposite of my house. It's my son that really shares, yeah.

Anna Seewald 40:45
And also, it depends on an age as children, let's don't forget that as children grow older, they love feeling independent. Also they love analyzing and sorting through their own feelings themselves, because that's empowering, because they're in charge. That's their life that they elicit their own insides. It's so it's really you have to follow again the situation. There is no right or wrong,

Casey O'Roarty 41:13
yeah, for sure. And I love, you know, I've spoken a lot on the show about the brain and how we can't we simply can't expect our kids, or really any humans, to be ready to be reflective and to problem solve when they're in that emotional brain like you've spoken into Jane Nelson, who's the author and co author of all the positive discipline books, one of my favorite quotes of hers is that kids need to feel better, to do better, and that this isn't permissive. This isn't sending the message that how they're, you know, behaving is okay. I mean, it just is what it is. I don't even want to say, because I think that sometimes parents get stuck on, well, we're, we're, we're saying that it's okay for them to scream and yell and fall on the floor and but really it's, it's not even about that, because, you know, like Jane says, children do better when they feel better, right? So what are you hearing from parents around this?

Anna Seewald 42:13
Yes, what it's parents have a hard time, right? It's our programming. It's the way we were raised. It's our society. I talk a lot in early childhood conferences. I work with preschools. Our society is very behavioral oriented. Behaviorism is still present, even though we know so much from neuroscience and stuff like that. So I can't blame the parents. It's our entire society. We need to shift this whole paradigm that when your children are melting down temper tantruming, this is just their nervous system. What we spoke about, we can't blame them for that. That's that's not their fault. So how can we use our power, the power of the relationship, which we have Yes, to move them from that dysregulated state to a more regulated state. So it's about reflaiming This whole thinking and changing the way we think about misbehavior. And as I said, I don't use the word misbehavior. Forget about it. It's very demeaning. It's very it sets you up already for doing something to your child or getting ready of the behavior. You know what I mean? It's, it's not healthy to think like that, but when you shift that, and also, you need to understand what drives that behavior, those undesirable behavior and, you know, there's so much we can learn about that and it, you know, parents need the tools, the education, the skills, and it's available, it's learnable. And you know, your life can be a lot better with your children. Yes,

Casey O'Roarty 43:51
yes, yes. I'm a full alignment over here. I love what you're talking about, any final little baby steps or tips that you would like to leave listeners with, listeners who are looking to get better at helping their children grow their self regulation skills or themselves. Yes,

Anna Seewald 44:13
I would say, don't beat yourself up for the mistakes you have made or say, after you listen to this episode, you say, oh my gosh, I messed up my kids completely. I haven't done no, you're starting from today. Every day is a new day, a new beginning. You just receive this new information, perhaps you're going to move forward with that. So don't blame, criticize negative. Talk yourself. That's what I would say. And also, research suggests this is what I would say, that we need to be attached. This attachment between us and our children has to be 30% 30% of the time, if you show up the way we talk about on those podcasts, you are a golden parent

Casey O'Roarty 44:59
around. Hey, 30% we can all do 30%

Anna Seewald 45:02
I guarantee people who listen to this podcast are conscious, mindful, on the path of this, at this beautiful journey, and they should give themselves credit already for the work that they're doing. I think we get swallowed by the negative, and we don't see the small wins and the little victories that we have throughout the day, and we focus on I failed. I didn't do this. Oh my gosh. So banish the negative self talk, it's not helping, and try to see the positive in you and in your children,

Casey O'Roarty 45:38
yay. Well, my last question that I always end with is, what does joyful courage mean to you? Anna,

Anna Seewald 45:47
when I hear these two words together, I sort of have this feeling of a child like wondrous, courageous right? Children have this courage. They're present, and they know they're not diluted with all the societal stuff. So I this pure courage that is also joyful this child like Courage that's that's how I have a sense about those two words together.

Casey O'Roarty 46:18
I love that. Where can listeners find you and follow your work and tell us about the authentic parenting conference.

Anna Seewald 46:26
The listeners can find me on my website, authentic parenting.com and yes, I am hosting a live one day conference in New Brunswick, New Jersey, on Saturday May 18, 2019 if you're listening in real time, and if you're listening in the future. Hello. Casey will be coming to the conference. Yes,

Casey O'Roarty 46:49
I bought my ticket, so excited. And

Anna Seewald 46:53
we have Dr Laura Markham as our keynote speaker. I'll be speaking about all of those things, and we have other speakers and facilitators. It's all going to be about emotions regulation for yourself and for your children, so much more. And we have art projects and, you know, meals included music and cool swag bags. I'm really working hard to put really good things in the goodie bag. So it's going to be an awesome day. Anybody who wants to join, I think I gave you a promo code, right? 25 you can get $25 off your ticket and and let us know you know that you are a listener of this podcast, it would be amazing to meet you in real life. Yes,

Casey O'Roarty 47:36
yes, yes, yes. I'm so excited for the conference. I'm so glad that we finally have connected in this way. Anna, I can't wait to meet you. Thank you so much for spending time with me.

Anna Seewald 47:49
Thanks for having me Take care.

Casey O'Roarty 47:55
Joyful courage, community. Thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business pages on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google Play, I Heart Radio, really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts. Also, I mentioned Patreon at the beginning of the show. Check it out, www.patreon.com/joyful courage. This is where you can contribute to the show and take advantage of patron perks like content rich monthly webinars and deeper discussions about what's being shared on the podcast, you will like it. Www dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful. Courage. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. So reach out. You can also sign up for my bi weekly newsletter at joyful courage.com just go to the website. Sign up for that. Take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay. Big Love to each and every one of you have a beautiful rest of your day.

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