Eps 185: How to be fiercely committed, and lovingly detached

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Hey, what is up podcast, listeners, I am so glad that you have found yourself at the joyful courage podcast. This is a place where we celebrate real and raw conversations about raising kids with conscious parenting and positive discipline. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, I'm a facilitator. I'm a parent coach. Most importantly, I am a mom of two teenagers, and I am walking the path of more mindful, intentional parenting right alongside of you. Please know that this podcast is created for you. I create it for you and for our community. And if you love it, feel free to share it with all of your family and friends over social media. Let's spread the word. Let's get as many people as possible listening to this show. Please write a review on Apple's podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and join the Patreon community, where parents, just like you are contributing just a small little amount each month to the show and enjoying perks like monthly webinars and community conversations about the content you hear on this podcast. Check the show notes for links and more details on all of that. I am so, so grateful that you are here and now enjoy the show. Hey friends, what is up? I feel like it's been forever since I was sitting in front of this microphone. I batched a bunch of shows and haven't had to record in a few weeks, and I went to Mexico on a women's retreat, which I highly recommend to everyone out there. It was amazing. It was amazing, and I'm super grateful that I had the resources to make it happen. Shout out to all of my sacred bliss sisters who may or may not be listening to my podcast right now, also in the last couple of weeks, I was super excited to have had some interviews go out on other people's podcasts, some Amazing hosts from the podcast world. Anna cwald of the authentic parenting podcast had me on, and we talked all about building trust, both in ourselves and in our kids. I loved every minute of it. Anna's a really good interviewer. I can't wait to meet her in person at the authentic parenting conference later in May, links to both her podcast and the conference will be in the show notes. Today I also was a guest on the tilt parenting podcast, a return guest long time listeners of joyful courage will know Debbie Reber, the host of tilt parenting podcast from episodes 54 and 145 she's been on the joyful courage show a few times. She is the founder of tilt parenting and the host of the tilt parenting podcast. She wrote the book differently wired Debbie and I talk about my new book that so many of you have already bought, oh my gosh, joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey, and we connected the dots around how doing our work as parents, around our own self control and our own centering is useful for all of us, whether our kids are typically developing kids or differently wired kids, or if they're toddlers or if they're teenagers, it's helpful all around so check out those interviews on those shows. They were loads of fun, and I just really appreciate both Anna and Debbie for taking time to have me on sharing me with their audience. So today is a solo show, as you can tell, because, yes, I am talking to you from the closet. Really glad to get some special time in your ears. Today I want to talk about a mantra that just keeps coming up and is so useful time and time again. I think I've probably mentioned it before on the podcast, but today we are going to tease it apart and talk about what it means, what gets in the way of following it, and what will support us. I learned this useful little mantra from a friend of mine, shout out to Denise Yost. We see each other periodically throughout the year, and I think it was last year I saw her, and I happened to say, Hey, how's it going? And she's one of those people, and the environment was one of those environments where when you say. How's it going? Like or how are you? It isn't it isn't typical that somebody just throws out a quick and easy fine. So I said, Hey, how are you? And she paused for a moment and looked me square in the eye and and said, You know, I am fiercely committed and lovingly detached. Oh my gosh, fiercely committed and lovingly detached. She said those for those four words, and I was totally floored by the depth of that as a mantra as a way of being in the world. And of course, this was last year, so I was in the throes of my own stuff. Well, I mean, as if last year was the only time that I was in the throes of my own stuff. But you know, it was kind of a peak experience for me, and hearing those words fiercely committed, lovingly detached, just was like a super, super punch to my soul. Not a punch that's kind of aggressive, but like a super embrace to my soul. It's powerful. And when we look at parenting through the lens of fiercely committed and lovingly detached, I think that things just blow up, right? I mean, I feel like this is the utopia of parenting, right? We want to be fiercely committed and we want to be lovingly detached. But what does this actually mean? So we're going to tease it apart, okay, starting where with fiercely committed. So what it means to be fiercely committed? And this is all, of course, in my opinion, fiercely committed to me, and I think, in the context of joyful courage, in the context of positive discipline and positive parenting, is, yes, creating An environment that is based on love and connection and responsibility. I think when we're fiercely committed to parenting to our families, we are meeting their needs, and remember that needs are different than wants. We are meeting our people's needs. We're advocating for them. We're being both kind and firm, so that, again, in the context of positive discipline, is what mutual respect is right. Being firm is having expectations, having boundaries, respecting ourselves, right, respecting ourselves and the situation, while also respecting the person in front of us, the child in front of us, also being fiercely committed. Committed is looking for opportunities to encourage, encourage ourselves, encourage our family members. I think being fiercely committed is also about choosing in to our practice. I had a beautiful conversation today with a client, and she was talking about really wanting to uplevel her parenting like she had kind of the basic foundation, the bottom of the scaffolding. She felt really good about it, but she was really looking to uplevel, to elevate, right? And we talked about what that means, and I really think what it means is to come back time and time again to our commitment of showing up in a way that puts relationship first, while also holds our kids and holds the people that we love to a really high standard and not a high standard, like you have to get all A's and be the top scoring Soccer player on your team. I just mean holding space and really encouraging them to be the best version of themselves. Right, being fiercely committed and then this lovingly detached piece, this is the money part. I think right, being lovingly Detached means that our kids are allowed to be who they are, allowing them to be who they are, accepting them for who they are, whether it's their temperament, whether it's their interests, you know,

being in Full, unconditional love around who our kids are today, allowing for them to build resiliency through navigating just the natural consequences that show up with life right? Being lovingly Detached means that we don't swoop in and fix everything it means, and I love this too. It's making me. Think of another client that I have, and on our most recent call, we really kind of uncovered this discomfort around other people's discomfort, and that she had been a longtime people pleaser, and how that, you know, developed over time from really early years and now here she is with her kids, who are doing what kids do, and having the emotions that kids have, and melting down and and she wants to fix it. She wants everyone to be happy, right? And there's something really powerful that happens when we allow for space for our kids to be in their discomfort, right? This is where resiliency is birthed. This is where resilience, the resiliency muscles, are worked out. Now again, please don't hear this wrong. Lovingly detached is not like hands in the air. Good luck with life. I'll see you on the other side. It's not about ignoring our kids or being negligent, it's about loving them no matter what it is that they are navigating right, it's about loving them through their struggles, and I think it's really about trusting that they're going to get to the other side, trusting and knowing and bringing that energy to them, because they, you know, I don't think that energy is something that we can really we can't measure it really well. Well, maybe we can. I'm not a scientist. Maybe they're working on this. But we communicate in words. We communicate, you know, in facial expression and body language, but I also think there is a vibrational, energetic connection and communication that happens between people. And I think that because of how attached and connected we are to our children, because they came from us. They are of us. There is this really strong, solid, vibrational connection that we have with them. And what this means is it's not about only the words we use or the facial expression or the tone, it's really about who we be and the energy that we're using in communication with our kids. If we're gonna say, You know what, I trust that you can get to the other side of this, and inside we're like, oh God, across my fingers. I don't really know, right? That's sending an energetic message, like, I think you can get through this, but I'm not really sure what happens when we really practice bringing a different energy, right? We get to be lovingly detached, because we also get to trust that no matter what the outcome is for our kids, they're going to learn, they're going to grow, they're going to be okay, right? We get to allow them to be in their discomfort. Allow them to be uncomfortable. Now, this doesn't mean that, you know, they've got a, you know, a splinter, and we're like, man, good luck with that. You know, live with it, right? We're going to help them. We're going to support them in taking the splinter out, but if it comes time to apply for college, and we let them know, you know what our support is going to look like, what the deadlines are, and then we hand it over to them. We make it really clear. Here's the structure, lovingly Detached means that if they miss the deadline and don't follow through, we get to trust that they're going to be okay and that they're going to learn from that, right? They're going to be okay and they're going to learn a valuable lesson from that. Or, you know, our younger kids, right? They want to try out for some select sports team. This is actually a story of mine. I think I talked about it on the podcast, where my son wanted to sign up for this pretty elite basketball program, and there was tryouts, and there were a lot of kids at tryouts, and, you know, he showed up well. He showed up well. And you know, he's tall, especially for our little community, he's one of the taller kids. Well, in a larger pool, he wasn't. There were a lot of tall kids with a lot of skills, and in the end, he didn't make a team. And it was really painful for him, and I'm so grateful that he got that experience of really feeling the disappointment. And it was, I mean, he was on the floor. This wasn't that long ago. This was last year, and he was really bowled over with disappointment, and he was okay, and he got to live through it, and he got to look for the positive. Is, right? I didn't need to swoop in and fix it and say, Well, don't worry. You're You're so great and this and this. I mean, I had a few things to say, right? But really, I wanted him to have his experience. Does that make sense? We get to trust that they are on their journey. They are on their journey, just like we were on our journeys, right? Our parents did their best to keep us out of mischief and to encourage us to do the right thing, and, you know, to various degrees, depending on who your parents were. But ultimately, we made our own decisions, and we were on our journey. And all of those decisions. You know, all of those decisions, good, bad, otherwise, are the tapestry of who we are. Right,

being lovingly detached is about letting go, letting go of who we want our kids to be, letting go of, you know, what they what we want them to study, the experiences we want them to have, what we want Things to look like for them and just instead, just allow for them to be who they are, to find their way, the way that they find their way. And really, we get to give them responsibility over their lives. We get to empower them by handing over responsibility as much as we can, as often as we can so that they can feel that then it the cool thing about that is, especially once they become adolescents, when we hand over responsibility, there's this weight there that's like, oh, oh, is this something that's important to me? And if so, I have to do something about it, instead of the conversation being Ugh, this is important to my parents. I don't really care. I know they're gonna nag me until I get it done. Like it's just a different kind of energy when we say, Hey, this is yours, and I love you, and I'm here to support you. And if you want some help coming up with a plan of action, or, you know, steps for a routine, I'm happy to support, but ultimately, this is yours. That is what lovingly Detached means, fiercely committed, lovingly detached. What gets in the way? Huh? Oh, man, so much, right? So much gets in the way. We have these kids, and we have these dreams and visions for them, you know, and good on us, like, of course, of course, we want our children to have a good life, right? But sometimes those dreams and visions get so specific that they actually get in the way of us being lovingly detached, they get in the way, and when they don't start manifesting, our children's experiences sometimes lead to, oh, I'm not enough. I'm not doing the right thing. I can't please my mom. I can't please my dad. So it can get in the way our past failures, right? Our parents past mistakes, those get in the way of being fiercely committed, lovingly detached, because we have this idea, right? We know the mistakes we made, and if you're anything like me, there were plenty. We know what our mistakes were, and we just want them to avoid making the same mistakes that we made, right? And so we tell them, Oh, you don't want to do that, because it'll probably turn out this way, and you'll be really unhappy, or you'll be embarrassed, or you, you know, fill in the blank, right? So we forget that human beings actually learn through experience, not through, you know, lecturing, which isn't to say that we don't share some of our our failures and our mistakes with our kids. I think that's valuable. But we also get to step back and say, hey, guess what? You're going to make mistakes. The people around you are going to make lots of mistakes, and you get to decide what you learn from them, right? And mistakes are always positive if you learn something from them. Also, what gets in the way is our assumptions. We assume that we know. We know what they're thinking. We know what they're deciding. We know how they're feeling. How do we fix it? You know? How do we get rid of this behavior? And we forget that we actually don't know. I mean, some of our guesses might be pretty close. I was talking to clients just this morning, and, you know, I met. And like, guess what? You're the expert on your kids, like you've been the lifelong observer of your children. So yes, your insight into your children is going to be much deeper than the insight that I'm getting from listening to you talk about your challenges. And the actual expert of your child is your child. So when you notice yourself making assumptions about how they're feeling, what they're thinking, what they're deciding, how about you go to them and say, I'm really curious about how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you're deciding, what do you believe about this? How do you feel in your relationships? What does connection look like for you? Are you feeling connected? Are you feeling loved? What are you noticing about me? You know, we get to be really curious, so that we're not just moving from our place of assumption, but we're really moving from a place of deeper understanding of our kids. I think that many of us are actually addicted to what other people think. And I use the word addicted, kind of tongue in cheek, but for real, you guys, right? I mean, social media would not be such a big deal. And it's not just the teenagers that are on social media. Let's all be real. Okay, it wouldn't be such a big deal if we didn't care about what people think. We all, to some degree, care about what people think. And, you know, I think there's a healthy light place of caring about what people think, and then there's the dark, non healthy, unhealthy place, right? Of course, we want to bring light to the world. We want to make a positive impact, right? We want people to feel good when they're around us. We want to support our friends and family and sometimes what other people think like when we get really worried about judgment, or the stories that people might be may or may not be telling about us, or what are they gonna think if I don't discipline my child right here in front of them? Right? That's where that gets really in the way of that lovingly detached, I think, and fiercely committed, we get insecure about doing it wrong. Am I doing it right? Am I doing it wrong? I do it differently than my neighbors. What if I What if I mess my kids up? Your kids are going to be okay, if you're listening to this podcast, right? If you're taking time out of your day to press play on this podcast, I'm not worried about your kids. They're going to be fine, even if you yell at them sometimes they're gonna be okay because you're already showing fierce commitment. You're looking for more education. You're looking for more information. So yeah, don't worry about doing it wrong. I think our emotional regulation, or lack thereof, also gets in the way of being fiercely committed and lovingly detached, because when we are flipped, we are absolutely attached to our children's behavior. That's what flips us right. That's what sends us over the edge. That's what brings on the emotional for a train is that attachment to our kids behavior, so working on emotional regulation, which, by the way, by my book please, and it will help you with this. And then you get to practice it over and over and over again, and you'll practice it, and it'll start to feel good, and then you'll have a total meltdown, and you'll yell at your kid, and you'll be like, gosh, I totally screwed up. I failed. Right? Okay, great. Spend five seconds there, and then, okay, now I get to make it right. I get to model what it looks like to have personal responsibility, and I get to come back to my practice, right? That's your work. So great. Those are all the barriers, right? Those get in the way of fiercely committed, lovingly detached, what would help us move towards fiercely committed, lovingly detached, what's going to help us and support us. So here's the interactive part of the podcast. And I know I've talked about this exercise before on here. If you've been to a positive discipline class, you've participated in this exercise, but I'm guessing that there's probably going to be a few of you who haven't ever heard of this. So what you're going to do is you're going to create two lists right now, and you can make them in your mind. You could think about them if you're out walking the dog or folding laundry or on a commuting it's fine don't stop and write things down. But if you want to, you can, if you want to, you can. In but the first list I want you to create is a list of current challenges. Like, what are the things that are currently alive in your home that are making you crazy, behavior, specific behaviors from your kids that are sending you to the moon? Okay, if you want to pause the podcast and jot those down you can, or just bring to mind, what are the top things that come to your mind right now that are currently alive in your family, with your kids, right? Just with your kids, that are happening on the daily, right? So take some time to create that list. And here's the beautiful thing. Even though I can't see you, I can't hear you, I know that you're out there. I know you've made a list, and guess what,

I bet that your list looks a lot like every other listener's list. Now there may be some different flavors, if your kids are toddlers versus teens or school age or, you know, there might be some cultural things, but for the most part, I'm guessing you all have things like defiance, back talk, ignoring meltdowns, screen time, right? I'm I'm guessing those are all things that are annoying and irritating and challenges for you, amongst other things. So now I want you to shift gears, and I want you to think about your kids as young adults. Oh, my God, one day they will be young adults. It's crazy, or maybe older young adults, like, think of them in their late 20s, like brain development has happened, yay. If you were gonna make a list of the of the qualities and the characteristics that your adult children have, what would be on that list? Again, if you want to pause the show and and write that down, you can if that works for you, if not just think in your head, what are those qualities or traits that you would hope that by the time they're like 28 years old, Your children have learned to embody so again, typically, the this list looks the same for everyone. We want our kids to be responsible, we want them to be respectful, we want them to be empathetic and compassionate and kind. You know? What about the qualities that they need to be in the workplace? Right? We want them to be problem solvers. We want them to be good communicators. We want them to have healthy relationships and self regulation, self control. What about happy? A lot of times the word happy shows up on this gifts list, and I think that happy is such an interesting word and an interesting way of being, and I love talking about what it would be like if we were happy all the time, and if that's the goal, how much of the time we must feel like we're flailing, because it's pretty impossible to Be happy all the time. So can we instead of happy? Can we hope that our kids are content? Can we hope that they have healthy coping skills and resiliency? Can we hope that they're grounded and empowered? They become the designers of their life versus the victim of circumstance. That's kind of what I like to think about. And happy, you know, whatever happy can be on the list, but inside of that, I think, are these bigger concepts, right? And remembering too, with these two lists, there's the challenges, and then there's the gifts, and I've talked about the iceberg metaphor, so the challenges are really at the tip of the iceberg, right? The challenges are at the tip of the iceberg. Anything we do in response to the challenges should somehow, someway, teach model or allow our kids to practice the life skills we want them to embody, to embody. So let's say that again, visualize the iceberg. Right at the tip of the iceberg are all those things that you thought of as challenges. They are challenges, back, talk, swearing, lying, cheating, stealing, kicking, aggression, you know, potty training, teen drinking, you know, all of those things. They're tip of the iceberg. Anything we do in. Response to the challenges that we're faced with with our kids, should somehow, someway, teach model or allow them to practice the life skills we want them to eventually learn to embody, right? So again, there's that word do anything we do with the challenges. Let's talk a little bit about the doing. So often parents, you know, they want to know, well, what do I do? But what do I do in the moment? Casey, okay, special time, okay, these outside conversations, but what do I do? Right? And there's this sense of urgency, and I get it, because I've been in the doing, like, oh shit, what do I do? What do I do? Like, oh my God, I don't know, right? So when we're looking for in the moment tools, sometimes this is a narrow mindset. And if this is your first time listening to this podcast, you might be like, Oh no, I wanted to walk away with a whole bunch of in the moment tools.

It's narrow, if that's all we're looking for, and it's not the long game, right? Positive Discipline, joyful courage. There's this broader lens in the moment. Lives inside of the broad lens, but it's bigger than that, right? And it really requires us to trust, to trust in developing relationship, right? That's that special time invitation, right? That's sitting down and working out the process of creating routines and agreements. It's the daily or not the daily, but the weekly family meeting routine, right? Trusting that all of these things are actually developing a nurturing relationship, we get to trust that kids do better when they feel better. This is straight out of the mouth of Jane Nelson, I love this quote, trust that kids do better when they feel better, which doesn't mean, like, just give them the lollipop. They'll feel better. They'll do better, no, when they feel connected, when they know that they have influence and that they matter. That's what it means to feel better, right? That is what helps them thrive in the moment. Okay, it is, it's, it's valuable to talk about in the moment. In the moment, your job is to keep everyone safe, right? Do whatever you need to do to keep everyone safe in the moment. You can acknowledge your child's experience if they're getting into mischief, they're having a hard time, right? There's that whole quote, are they being a problem? Are they having a problem? They're having a problem, and it's manifesting has a problem for you, right? So acknowledge their experience, see them inside of having the problem that they're having, and then look for solutions. How are we going to navigate this? How are we going to make this right, right? How are we going to fix this? What are your ideas? So in the moment, I mean, that's the most basic way of thinking about in the moment, everyone needs to be safe. We get to acknowledge our child's experience, and we get to look for solutions and or ways of making it right because they're doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, and just because they can tell you what they will do better next time during a calm moment does not mean they will access that when their lids are flipped, right when they're in their emotional overwhelm. Sometimes we parents were like, oh, but they know the right thing to do. They can tell me what they should have done better. Great, yeah. So let's change the conversation. Let's change the conversation and instead talk about like, yeah, so sometimes we're full of mad or we're full of excitement, and it's hard to remember that stop means stop. So what's going to support you? What can I do differently? What can you do differently? Or the event has already happened and somebody's gotten hurt. How can we make this right with that person? How can we let them know? How can we start to pay attention to our bodies so that when our hands start to clench, we know that it's time to take care of ourselves or we're going to get, you know, be hurtful, right? This isn't about kids being naughty or bad, because they're not they're doing the best they can with the tools they have in the moment. And this is about relationship, teaching, modeling, practicing the tools and then practicing some more. Right? So this stuff is so good, fiercely committed, lovingly detached. Watched. Now, all of this requires us to do our work right the three B's. I'm going to give you a little teaser, a little something that I've created for my clients and for the joyful courage Academy parenting teen program participants. I have a page on my website, joyful courage.com/ 3b s3, B's. And on that page, there's a short little grounding meditation for the three B's. I think it's like 60 seconds. And then there's an extended one, I think it's more like six minutes. And you know, what is so deeply required of us in this lifetime is to really step out of the human experience of emotional overwhelm and patterns and old beliefs and to step into being really present, having a bigger, broader view of what's going on, connecting human to human, even actually not human to human, connecting soul to soul, Right? And when we make it a daily practice to go through that three B's process. And if you haven't heard me talk about the three B's, the three B's are connecting to your breath, being present to your body, and finding a neutral body, and then taking the balcony seat so that you can be an observer of yourself in the situation. And if you can practice that daily, right when you don't necessarily need it, it will become more and more available when you do need it, right, when your kids get into those challenges and you need to, in the moment, acknowledge their experience, instead of, you know, get in their face and yell at them. You can access those three B's to navigate your own experience, right? Navigate your your triggers and your emotions, which are real and valid. They're just not where we want to be coming from, because that's when things get hurtful, and we're just adding fuel to the fire. So let's just let our kids have a meltdown while we stay grounded and present right, fiercely committed, lovingly detached. Oh man, this is really a practice of humility and resilience, isn't it? It sure is. I trust that you can do this, people, you can do this, and I can help you. I can help you. I've been thrilled with all of the parents who are showing up and saying yes please to coaching. I just started with a couple that are working with me, and I have a lot of new clients and a new group of parents of teenagers that are going to be starting with me next week, and I just am so thrilled to be really inside of supporting and impacting families. So you know, if you've been listening for a long time or maybe lurking. Well, you must be listening, because you're listening now. So if you've been listening for the long time and played around with the idea of maybe doing some one on one coaching with me, head over to the website, joyful courage.com/coaching, and fill out, fill up the application to do an explore call. If you have questions, we can get on the phone for 15 minutes. You can, you know, tell me a little bit of your story. I can let you know what it is that I provide. And we can see if it's a good fit, right? We can see if it's a good fit, because, you know, this whole positive parenting thing, it's for everyone. You know, it's not about, well, some people it's really easy for and some people it's hard for I mean, yeah, and just because it's challenging doesn't mean it's not for you. I would argue that it's definitely for you. If it feels like a big stretch, right? For sure, and you don't have to figure it out alone. There are people like me who have dedicated my life to supporting parents in making this shift into loving, fiercely committed, lovingly detached. If that's something that you want to move towards, connect. Connect with me. Let me support you, and know that when I'm not supporting parents, I am in the practice with my own two kids. I know you all know that, because you know I tend to share. I hope it never feels like an overshare, but you know the. Reason that I share is because I think it's so important for all of us to remember that just because you say, I want to be I want to use positive parenting. I want to use positive discipline. I want to be a gentle parent. Just because you're committed to that doesn't mean that it's easy. Doesn't mean that everyone is like, super calm, cool and collect all the time. It's messy. It's messy, and there are resources and support out there me. So check out again. Joyful courage.com/coaching. And buy my book. Have you bought my book? You need to buy the book. It's pre sale, right? It comes out May 20. But when you sign up pre sale, you also get a companion guide that goes along with the book that will help you deepen, deepen the information and really tie it up into your own personal experience. So I would love for you to check it out. You can go to joyful courage.com/book for that, and yeah, just continuing to love all you parents out there in parent land, and I'll be back next week with a new interview until then. Big, huge

love. Bye. Joyful courage community. Thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business pages on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google Play. I Heart Radio, really anywhere you find your favorite podcasts. Also, I mentioned Patreon at the beginning of the show. Check it out, www.patreon.com/joyful courage. This is where you can contribute to the show and take advantage of patron perks like content rich monthly webinars and deeper discussions about what's being shared on the podcast. You will like it. Www. Dot P, A, T, R, E, o, n.com/joyful. Courage, any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent. Casey at joyful courage.com I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way, so reach out. You can also sign up for my biweekly newsletter at joyful courage.com just go to the website. Sign up for that. Take a breath. Drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay. Big Love to each and every one of you have a beautiful rest of your day.