Eps 183: Your kids are not manipulating you.

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Hey, what is up podcast, listeners, I am so glad that you have found yourself at the joyful courage podcast. This is a place where we celebrate real and raw conversations about raising kids with conscious parenting and positive discipline. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, I'm a facilitator. I'm a parent coach. Most importantly, I am a mom of two teenagers, and I am walking the path of more mindful, intentional parenting right alongside of you. Please know that this podcast is created for you. I create it for you and for our community. And if you love it, feel free to share it with all of your family and friends over social media. Let's spread the word. Let's get as many people as possible listening to this show. Please write a review on Apple's podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and join the Patreon community, where parents, just like you are contributing just a small little amount each month to the show and enjoying perks like monthly webinars and community conversations about the content you hear on this podcast. Check the show notes for links and more details on all of that. I am so, so grateful that you are here and now enjoy the show. Hey podcast listeners, welcome back. Welcome back solo show. Super excited. I'm just gonna be transparent and tell you that I'm kind of winging it today. Usually I have a whole outline written out that kind of keeps me on track. But today, today, I am just going to trust that whatever comes up. I mean, I have a plan, I have a direction that I'm going in, but I'm going to just trust that whatever needs to come up is going to come up for you, for me, for all of us, I'm going to trust. I'm going to be in the practice of trust while creating content for this particular show. So thanks. Thanks for being on the ride with me. Thanks for being on the ride with me. I am in my closet, and I have to tell you a funny story. Not only am in my Am I in my closet? Because the sound is just so much better in here when I record, I also have my prescription sunglasses on, because I just can't go downstairs for one more thing. And funny enough, I can still see So, so I'm sitting in my closet with my sunglasses on, recording a podcast. I'm feeling good about it, though, feeling pretty good about it, and as of this recording so I'm recording this a few weeks before the show goes out, because I'm going to Mexico. I'm going to Mexico, and I'm going totally offline, which I don't normally do, and so I'm getting all of my ducks in a row so that everything is scheduled for all of you and there's no gap, and I can just be on vacation and it you know, I'm kind of one of those gals that just does things as I need to do them. I'm not. I'm learning to be more skilled with getting things in order beforehand. So this is new, yeah, so I'm going to start today. I'm super excited. I checked to see if there were any new reviews on iTunes, and there was, and it made me so happy. So I'm just gonna share that with you. New review, actually, from yesterday, titled down to earth and real and real isn't all caps, and this is from Lauren May, June. So thank you, Lauren for this review. It made me feel real good. She wrote in love Casey's positive attitude while still keeping it real, she provides some awesome insights and tips while gently keeping the reminder that we are evolving and changing. Positive Parenting and discipline doesn't mean it's always peaceful and calm, and Casey gives her heart to convey the real balance. Great content. Girl, thanks, Lauren, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And thanks to everybody that's showing up on the Facebook page and giving reviews and recommendations, as well as in iTunes. It's really, really awesome to collect reviews specifically in iTunes, because then iTunes is like, oh, people like this. We should show it to more people. And right? I mean, and this is the world this is the work of world peace. So basically, when you're leaving a review for the joyful courage podcast on iTunes, you are contributing to world peace. I am connecting. Those thoughts. So today I want to talk about curiosity. And I really, you know, I I've been wrapping up the first round of the joyful courage Academy parenting teens program, and I'm not going to go deep into that, because I've already dialed in the next round, and I'm super excited for the new parents that are joining me for round two in May. So exciting. And part of that program are is that I do one on one calls, which with each of the participants, and it's so cool, because there's the content piece and there's the community piece, right, where we're all talking to each other, but getting that one on one hour with people and really listening to them, you know, or even just my private clients, having that space to really listen to them is so it's such a privilege, and it's so powerful. And I'm always blown away. And this happens to me too, when I'm talking to a wise friend and sharing to a wise friend, it always blows me away. How when you're not involved in the situation, the expansive way that you can see and hear what's happening for the other person. And you know, something that comes up, and I think it comes up a lot, and it's not just parents of teenagers. I've heard it from parents with really little kids all the way through, right? And even, well, yeah, all the way through. And there's this idea that, you know, kids get into mischief, which they do, they don't have all the skills they need. True, their brain is developing, yes, and all of those things are true and well meaning, loving parents also can get stuck in thinking they're manipulating me, or they're just trying to get what they want, or, you know, along those lines, Right? We're we, or they're just playing me and in some cases, you know, the way that the foundation of positive discipline is Adlerian theory, which you've heard me talk a little bit about here on the podcast. And you know, it's this idea of movement, of behavior being, movement in the direction of belonging and significance right inside of that. In our development as young children, we are continuously going through this cycle where we perceive the world right? We see what's happening in our world. We're watching the adults in our world. We're creating then interpretations like we're creating meaning around what we're seeing, the meaning that we're creating turns into a belief about ourselves and about others and about how we fit. And from this belief is where we decide to act. And this is Alfred Adler called this private logic. It's how we make sense of doing what we're doing, and it's true for our kids as much as it is true for us, right? Our private logic is developed over time as we collect evidence to form beliefs about ourselves in the world, and really it's, it's happening inside of Do I belong? Do I matter? Like these are the big questions, right? Do I belong? Do I matter? Am I safe? Do I have influence?

I'd say those four questions are pretty important. And if you think about it, you know they're kind not in their consciousness, but out of consciousness. We're constantly, like running through those questions, right? We're constantly running through those questions and and that. And I think that's like the most human element of us. I think that that is what makes us human, those things, do I count or belong? Do I matter? Am I safe? Do I have any influence here, right? And, and we answer those questions. I answer those questions with a 45 year old lens that has been developed over time through the experiences in my life that I've had, the lifestyle that I was raised with, what I've chosen into ever since the relationships in my life, our two year olds are answering those questions. Through their two year old lens developed through experiences, right? Our eight year olds, our 12 year olds, our 17 year olds, right? We're all answering those questions from wherever we are on this life journey. And so the reason that I'm saying this is, you know, I often will say we're doing the best we can with the tools we have. That goes for parents, that goes for kids, they're doing the best they can with the tools they have. Sometimes, what happens is they have events and experiences in their life that really color the way that they see the world and their private logic, which I think as kids, you know, as adults, we can see like, well, I have my perspective, and you have your perspective, and I get that. We can both look at the same thing and have different perspectives. Right? As children, children are much more like, cut and dry, right? They're really like, it's they see the world in the world, and it's fact, right? Their lens, their private logic, really, they're really holding on to it and connected to it and believing that it is true, and so inviting our kids into you know, how do you think that made that other person feel? Or how would you feel in that situation? I think that's a really big stretch, which isn't to say we don't ask that question. It's not to say that that's not an important question to ask. And there are kids that can, you know, make that shift and take that step and stretch into that thinking. And then there are kids that can't, for whatever reason, one of which I think is, you know, that safety piece, I think, is so much bigger than we give it credit for. And I don't just mean like, Is my body safe? Is somebody gonna hurt me, but our emotional safety, right? I'll also often have parents that will talk about how their kids don't want to talk about it after the fact, if there's a problem, and, you know, things happen, people melt down, and then later on, we circle back and we say, Hey, can we talk a little bit about what happened earlier? And the parents say, Yeah, I can't. My kids won't talk about that. Well, one of the reasons they won't talk about it is because they don't feel safe, right? I mean, if it feels like a trap, like, well, if I talk about this with you, you're going to point out all the ways that I was wrong, then why would they want to open up to that right? And so I think that some of the time when we're having challenges with our kids and and and it looks like that, like we can't get them to talk about it, sometimes it's going a layer deeper and saying, like, wow, you know what? I'm curious. You know, sometimes when things happen and we have a hard time, I have a hard time, or you have a hard time, and then, you know, we feel better after a while, and then it's, I come to you and I want to talk about whatever the problem was. I noticed that you don't want to talk about it. Can you tell me a little bit about that? Like, what does it feel like when I want to talk about problems with you? What are you afraid of? What are you worried about? What do you notice about me? What do you think I'm thinking? Right? Like, I mean, don't help them with all these questions, but these are just examples of wanting them to help themselves. Oh, my dog just walked in the closet. Hi, wanting you know, the goal with this is really to help them observe themselves, right? Just like we are learning that, right, we're learning to be better observers of ourselves. And like being able to see our thought process and connect dots, we also get to support them in developing that skill, because that is a skill, right? And so sometimes it's, you know, not so much getting stuck in the oh, they won't talk about their feelings, or they won't, you know, have this conversation, or, like, with screens. I mean, how many of us it's like, you bring up, hey, we need to set some limits on screens, and your kids just go berserk, right? Yeah, there's a lot there. But you know, it's like, we can step back and say, I notice we can't have conversations about screens. Or I noticed that when I want to talk about problem solving with you and your brother. It's really, it seems like it's really hard for you to go there with me. So sometimes it's, you know, peeling back yet another layer and having a conversation about the conversation, so that you can get to the point of talking about the problem and doing some problem solving. Does that make sense? Does that make sense? Yes, so coming back to curiosity, right? Like, that's the other thing is, often we come into these conversations, right, especially when you know, it feels like, well, they're just manipulating, or they just, we think we know, right? Basically, we think we know. And so even when we are being, quote, curious, we're coming in with it, and it's like a it's a method, right? Like, oh, I'm going to use this method and see if it works, and see and see if I can get my kid to do, ultimately, what I want them to do. That is not, that's manipulation, right? That's not curiosity. So the other piece, too, that I am constantly working on and supporting parents with is, how do we access true curiosity in a way that we can energetically like, like, like, What's the right word here so that we can pump the environment full of curiosity, right? So, so we show up with curiosity in a way that our kids it's palpable, right? Our kids know that we don't have a hidden agenda. They know that we're not judging them. They know that we are truly curious and coming from a place of wanting to understand, right? And as they get older, this becomes ever more important. But it is. It's important for those littles too, right? And especially for those of you that are listening and you're really in the practice of changing your parenting style. If positive parenting, positive discipline, is something that you're really working on, moving towards, and perhaps you've been punitive and you've been maybe a yeller, and you've been having a hard time with the parenting, and you're trying something new. First of all, I want to say welcome. Second, I want to say, you can do it. This is absolutely available to everyone, and it takes practice, and it's not about perfection, and you get to give yourself some self compassion. Okay, so I want to say all those things, and even for those of us that have been doing it for a long time, it takes practice, people, right? And sometimes we, because we're humans, we can get into the kind of more demanding, less helpful style, and so we get to reset, right? We get to reset so, so whether it's a reset or it's really a new way of being with your kids, you can be really transparent, and sometimes what is required is cleaning up, right? A little clean up little like, acknowledgement of, wow, I've been really demanding, or, you know, up until now, I've done a lot of yelling and and telling you what to do, and I'm really trying something new, because it doesn't feel good to me, and I know it doesn't feel good to you, and you just got to take baby steps, right? You just got to take baby steps. And sometimes when we come to our kids with curiosity, and we might be fully in our curiosity, ready to go, feeling really, really like authentic and ready and open, and they're just not into it. They don't buy it. You know, we can call that out too. You know, I'm wondering if you're feeling like I'm gonna judge you, and can I ask you to trust me, and

because I'm learning and I, you know, I love you and want what's best for you, but right now, what's most important for me is simply to understand. Right? Is simply to understand. So curiosity is super powerful. That's why I talk about it a lot on the podcast, and I'm going to lead you through a little activity that we do in positive discipline. So we're gonna have a little experiential activity, and this is if you've been to a positive discipline class, which I think there definitely have some listeners who have been through live classes. So this will sound familiar. And the idea here is, I want you to imagine being a child and really try to embody being a child. Don't be your child, because when we decide, well, I'm going to be my child, then the experience is, ooh, I wonder what my child would say. Instead of I'm going to be a child and have the experience, right? So I invite you to be a child. I'm going to make some statements, and then I'm going to invite you to reflect, and then we'll do another round. Okay, so your child between the age of three and 12? So you decide the age. You decide what age you are. Take a deep breath. Let it out. Take another. Deep breath. Let it out. Okay, I'm your parent, and I'm going to give you some directions. Go brush your teeth, or you'll have a mouth full of cavities. Don't forget your coat. Go to bed. Now, do your homework. Stop fighting with your brother. Put your dishes in the dishwasher. Hurry up and get dressed, or you will miss the bus. Stop whining. You are driving me crazy. Pick up your toys or I'll give them to children who don't have any. So notice how you feel. Notice what you're thinking or deciding about me, your parent, and notice what you're thinking or deciding as the child

now this is really interesting when we do this class, live often. Some of the responses from the child are, I felt disempowered. I felt disconnected. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt anxious, I felt mad. So those are some of the feelings that have come up from actual parents and then thinking or deciding about me often, what comes up is that you know the experience, and this might be your experience, that my parent doesn't care about me, that my parent is bossy, that I can't trust my parent, and then thinking and deciding about Self often, what comes up is I'm not capable. I don't want to do what you're telling me to do. I'm bad, right? And really, like none of those statements that I said were really very horrible, right? And usually when we do this activity, parents are like, oh, gosh, that sounds familiar, some of those things. So there's that judgment here. It's just noticing, right? It's just giving you an experience to drop into what it's like for your kids. So we're gonna do round two, and this time, I need to take a deep breath in, let it out. You are again, that same child, all right, and I'm gonna say some things to you, so I want you to again experience the feelings, the thinkings and the decidings. Here we go. What do you need to do so your teeth will feel squeaky clean. What will you wear so you will be warm outside. What's next on your bedtime routine chart? What is your plan for doing your homework? How can you and your brother solve this problem, what did we decide at the family meeting to do with our dishes when we finished eating? What's your plan for catching the bus on time? What words can you use so I can hear you, what is your responsibility when you're finished playing with your toys? So again, noticing how that felt, noticing what you were thinking or deciding about the adult. Me, noticing what you're thinking or deciding about yourself and again, oftentimes in live classes, when we do this activity, I've led this activity, I can't even tell you how many times second round the parents who are role playing As the child experience feeling empowered, feeling curious, feeling loved. They are thinking or deciding about the parent that they trust them, believing that the parent cares about them, feeling connected to the parent, and thinking or deciding about themselves, like really being capable, feeling capable, feeling empowered, feeling encouraged, like believing that they are encouraged, believing that they are loved. And the difference is in ask. You know, this activity is called Ask. Versus telling. And so sometimes, to change an experience, all we have to do is think about what we need and ask the question, to draw we want to draw forth, draw the information out of our children. Because how many times have we told them we don't like whining? A million, right? How many times do we have to tell them to put their toys away? It's so funny to me, because I think about like, you know, that quote of in the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? And I work with so many parents who are like, I tell them, you know, three, four or five different times, it's like, well, maybe change it up, right? Let's try changing it up. And I'm not going to sit here and say that, Oh, just ask questions instead of give commands. And your kids will be like, Oh, thanks for the question. Now I'm going to follow through, right? Sometimes, sometimes, a limited choice is useful at the end of this, right? Sometimes, and there is assumption here, like some of these state, some of these questions, like, what's next on your bedtime routine chart? There's an assumption that you've made a bedtime routine chart. You've talked about bedtime routine. You co created something that's going to support them. What did we decide at our family meeting? There's the assumption that you do family meetings with your family, right? And so there is collaboration, cooperation, partnership around creating guidelines in the family. So it's not a method, right? It's not just do this and everything will be fine. Those of you that know me know that that kind of parenting advice makes me crazy. There are layers here. There is relationship, there is, you know, there is whether or not your kids are falling apart because they're Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, right? There's things going on here, and curiosity, questions, being curious. Play with it. You will be amazed, amazed at how useful it can be when we come to our kids and we come with the assumption that you know what to do, you are capable. I'm just going to kind of spark that I'm going to trigger that sense of capability by not telling you yet again what you should do, but inviting you into cooperation through asking. Does that make sense? So I just wanted to offer up that tool for you today and play with it and let me know how it goes for you. Let me know what you're pulling out of this podcast and what's useful to you. All right. And super exciting last week, pre sale began on my book. Oh my gosh. It's so weird that I have a book out, but I have a book out. Presale started last Wednesday. I want you to get on it, because if you purchase now, between now and the actual launch, which is may 20, you will get a bonus companion guide to the book, which basically is going to like it's just it goes right along with the book, with prompts and questions for you to take what you're learning from the book, apply it directly to your life and reflect and journal. So the companion guide is super valuable. And when you presale order the book, you order the book, and then you head over to the website, joyful courage.com/book, and you fill out a form and shoot me the proof of purchase. And that's when my team will make sure that you get the companion guide. So I'm really excited about that, and I here's how the book is going to be useful to you, because I just got done right talking about using curiosity. And sometimes things go down and we are kind of out of our minds, and it's really challenging to think to ourselves, like, oh, right now would be a great time for curiosity, because what's really happening is, you know, right now would be a really good time to pack my bags and get the hell out of here. Maybe not that extreme, but you know what I'm talking about? Well, joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey is all about how to be in your own self regulation, so that no matter what's happening with your kids, you can stay connected to them, connected to yourself. You can be the regulated one as they have their experience. Experience, and then you have access to things like perspective and curiosity and, you know, loving compassion, right? That's what the book's all about. It's totally all about you and your practice of staying calm, keeping it real, keeping it authentic, but not flying off the handle, not and the metaphor is the emotional freight train. So not letting the emotional freight train pick you up, or at least when it does pick you up, recognize like, Oh, I'm on the train right now, and I have some tools. I have choice here. What am I going to do? So head on over to the website, joyful courage.com/book, buy the book, pre sale and get the companion guide today. Alright, people, super excited to get to support you in that way. And I'll be back next week. I'll be back next week with an interview. I don't have my list in front of me, so I surprise who my interview is with next week, but I'm sure

that there will be loads of takeaways and that you'll love it. And yeah, big love to all of you. Have a great week. Thank you so much for listening and supporting the work of joyful courage. Mwah. You Chris, joyful courage community. Thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business pages on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google Play. I Heart Radio, really anywhere you find your favorite podcasts. Also, I mentioned Patreon at the beginning of the show. Check it out, www.patreon.com/joyful courage. This is where you can contribute to the show and take advantage of patron perks like content rich monthly webinars and deeper discussions about what's being shared on the podcast. You will like it. Www, dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way, so reach out. You can also sign up for my biweekly [email protected] just go to the website. Sign up for that. Take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay. Big Love to each and every one of you have a beautiful rest of your day.