Transcription
JC Solo Ep 553 (2.20.25) - FINAL
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hey everybody, welcome to the Joyful Courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we try and keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work and when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationship to remain intact.
[00:00:25] My name is Casey O'Roarty, I am your fearless host. Positive Discipline Trainer, Space Holder, Coach, and the Adolescent Lead at Sproutable. I'm also mama to a daughter in her early 20s and a son who is in his first year of college. And I've walked right beside you on this path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting.
[00:00:46] Yes, this continues to be real for me, even as my kids no longer live at home. Which is really weird, by the way. This show is meant to be a resource for you, and I work really hard to keep it raw, transparent, and authentic, so that you can feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show, and I have no doubt that what you hear will be useful to you.
[00:01:06] Please join me on my mission of supporting parents, sharing truly is caring. And if you love today's show, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials, or text it to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families around the world. This week I'm throwing it back.
[00:01:23] I'm throwing it back to a solo show that was inspired. I'm inspired by work that I did with clients, conversations I've had with them. Parenting teens is all the things, no doubt. And our kids are doing the best they can with the tools they have, the meaning they're making through the experiences they're having, how they're.
[00:01:42] feeling your response is to them. And, you know, oftentimes I hear parents talk about their kids in a way that holds them as master manipulators. And I just don't think this is helpful when we respond from this place. It's really hard to be helpful rather than hurtful. Check out this show to hear more about this take and let me know what you think.
[00:02:07] Podcast listeners, welcome back, welcome back, solo show, super excited. I'm just going to be transparent and tell you that I'm kind of winging it today. Uh, usually I have a whole outline written out that kind of keeps me on track, but today, today I am just going to trust. That, whatever comes up, I mean I have a plan, I have a direction that I'm going in, but I'm gonna just trust that whatever needs to come up is gonna come up.
[00:02:45] For you, for me, for all of us, I'm gonna trust, I'm gonna be in the practice of trust while creating content for this particular show. So thanks, thanks for being on the ride with me. Thanks for being on the ride with me. I am in my closet, and I have to tell you a funny story. Not only am I Am I in my closet?
[00:03:06] Cause the sound is just so much better in here when I record. I also have my prescription sunglasses on because I just can't go downstairs for one more thing. And funny enough, I can still see. So, so I'm sitting in my closet. With my sunglasses on, recording a podcast. I'm feeling good about it though.
[00:03:31] Feeling pretty good about it. And as of this recording, so I'm recording this a few weeks before the show goes out because I'm going to Mexico. I'm going to Mexico and I'm going totally offline. Which I don't normally do. And so I'm getting all of my ducks in a row so that everything is scheduled for all of you and there's no gap.
[00:03:58] And I can just be on vacation. You know, I'm kind of one of those gals that just does things as I need to do them. I'm not, um, I am learning to be more skilled with getting things in order beforehand. So this is new. Yeah, so I'm going to start today. I'm super excited. I checked to see if there were any new reviews on iTunes and there was and it made me so happy.
[00:04:26] So I'm just going to share that with you. New review actually from yesterday titled Down to Earth and Real and real isn't all caps and this is from Lauren May June So, thank you Lauren for this review. It made me feel real good She wrote in love Casey's positive attitude while still keeping it real.
[00:04:50] She provides some Awesome insights and tips while gently keeping the reminder that we are evolving and changing. Positive parenting and discipline doesn't mean it's always peaceful and calm, and Casey gives her heart to convey the real balance. Great content, girl! Thanks, Lauren. Thank you. Thank you.
[00:05:13] Thank you. Thank you. And thanks to everybody that's showing up on the Facebook page and giving reviews and recommendations as well as in iTunes. It's really, really awesome to collect reviews specifically in iTunes because then iTunes is like, oh, people like this. We should show it to more people and right?
[00:05:33] I mean, and this is the world This is the work of WorldPeace. So basically, when you're leaving a review for the Joyful Courage podcast on iTunes, you are contributing to WorldPeace. I am connecting those dots. So today I want to talk about curiosity, and, um, I really You know, I, I've been wrapping up the first round of the Joyful Courage Academy Parenting Teens program and I'm not going to go deep into that because I've already dialed in the next round and I'm super excited for the new parents that are joining me for round two in May.
[00:06:16] So exciting. Um, and part of that program are is that I do one on one calls with each of the participants. And it's so cool because there's the content piece and there's the community piece, right, where we're all talking to each other. Getting that one on one hour with people and really listening to them, you know, or even just my private clients, having that space to really listen to them is so, it's such a privilege and it's so powerful.
[00:06:50] And I'm always Blown away. And this happens to me too, when I'm talking to a wise friend and sharing to a wise friend, it always blows me away how, when you're not involved in the situation, the expansive way that you can see and hear What's happening for the other person? And you know, something that comes up and I think it comes up a lot.
[00:07:20] And it's not just parents of teenagers. I've heard it from parents with really little kids all the way through. Right. And even. Well, yeah, all the way through. And there's this idea that, um, you know, kids get into mischief, which they do. They don't have all the skills they need. True. Their brain is developing.
[00:07:44] Yes. And all of those things are true. And well meaning, loving parents. Also can get stuck in thinking they're manipulating me or they're just trying to get what they want. Right? Or they're just playing me. And in some cases, you know, the way that the foundation of positive discipline is Adlerian theory, which you've heard me talk a little bit about here on the podcast.
[00:08:14] You know, it's this idea of behavior being movement in the direction of belonging and significance. Right? Inside of that, in our development as young children, we are continuously going through this cycle where we perceive the world, right? We see what's happening in our world. We're watching the adults in our world.
[00:08:33] We're creating then interpretations, like we're creating meaning. around what we're seeing. The meaning that we're creating turns into a belief about ourselves and about others and about how we fit. And from this belief is where we decide to act. And this is, Alfred Adler called this private logic. It's how we make sense of doing what we're doing.
[00:09:01] And And it, and it, it's true for our kids as much as it is true for us, right? Our private logic is developed over time as we collect evidence to form beliefs about ourselves in the world. And, and really it's, it's happening inside of do I belong? Do I matter? Like these are the big questions, right? Do I belong?
[00:09:27] Do I matter? Am I safe? Am I safe? Do I have influence? I'd say those four questions are pretty important. And if you think about it, you know, not in their consciousness, but out of consciousness, we're constantly like running through those questions. And I think that's like what makes us human. Those things, do I count or belong?
[00:09:52] Do I matter? Am I safe? Do I have any influence here? Right? And, and we answer those questions. I answer those questions. with a 45 year old lens that has been developed over time through the experiences in my life that I've had, the lifestyle that I was raised with, what I've chosen into ever since, the relationships in my life.
[00:10:16] Our two year olds are answering those questions through their two year old lens developed through experiences, right? Our eight year olds, our 12 year olds, our 17 year olds, right, we're all answering those questions from. Um, wherever we are on this life journey. And so the reason that I'm saying this is, you know, I often will say we're doing the best we can with the tools we have.
[00:10:44] That goes for parents. That goes for kids. They're doing the best they can with the tools they have. Sometimes what happens is they have events and experiences in their life that really color. The way that they see the world and their private logic, which I think as kids, you know, as adults, we can see like, well, I have my perspective and you have your perspective and I get that we can both look at the same thing and have different perspectives, right?
[00:11:17] As children, children are much more cut and dry, right? They're really like it's they see the world and the world and it's fact. Right, their lens, their private logic, really, they're really holding on to it and connected to it and believing that it is true. And so inviting our kids into You know, how do you think that made that other person feel?
[00:11:44] Or how would you feel in that situation? I think that's a really big stretch. Which isn't to say we don't ask that question. It's not to say that that's not an important question to ask. And there are kids that can make that shift and, and take that step and stretch into that thinking. And then there are kids that can't for whatever reason, one of which I think is, you know, that safety piece, I think, is so much bigger than we give it credit for.
[00:12:13] And I don't just mean like, is my body safe? Is somebody gonna hurt me? But our emotional safety, right? I'll also often have parents that will talk about how their kids don't want to talk about it after the fact. If there's a problem and things happen, people melt down. Yeah. Yeah. And then later on we circle back and we say, hey, can we talk a little bit about what happened earlier?
[00:12:37] And the parents say, yeah, I can't, my kids won't talk about that. Well, one of the reasons they won't talk about it is because they don't feel safe, right? I mean, if it feels like a trap, like, well, if I talk about this with you, you're going to point out all the ways that I was wrong. Why would they want to open up to that, right?
[00:12:57] And so I think that some of the time when we're having challenges with our kids and It looks like that like we can't get them to talk about it Sometimes it's going a layer deeper and saying like wow, you know what? I'm curious You know sometimes when things happen and we have a hard time I have a hard time or you have a hard time and then you know We feel better after a while and then it's I come to you and I want to talk about whatever the problem was, I noticed that you don't want to talk about it.
[00:13:27] Can you tell me a little bit about that? Like, what does it feel like when I want to talk about problems with you? What are you afraid of? What are you worried about? What do you notice about me? What do you think I'm thinking? Right? Like, I mean, don't pelt them with all these questions, but you know, the goal with this is really to help them.
[00:13:45] observe themselves, right? Just like we are learning that, right? We're learning to be better observers of ourselves and like being able to see our thought process and connect dots. We also get to support them in developing that skill because that is a skill. Right. And so sometimes it's. You know, not so much getting stuck in the oh, they won't talk about their feelings or they won't, you know, have this conversation or like with screens, I mean, how many of us, it's like you bring up, hey, we need to set some limits on screens and your kids just go berserk, right?
[00:14:18] Yeah, there's a lot there. But, you know, it's like, we can step back and say, I notice we can't have conversations about screens, or I notice that when I want to talk about problem solving with you and your brother, it's really, it seems like it's really hard for you to go there with me. So sometimes it's, you know, peeling back yet another layer and having a conversation about the conversation so that you can get to the point of talking about The problem and doing some problem solving.
[00:14:50] Does that make sense?
[00:15:01] Um, so coming back to curiosity, right? Like that's the other thing is often we come into these conversations, right? Especially when, you know, it feels like, well, they're just manipulating or they just, we think we know, right? Basically we think we know. And so even when we are being quote curious, we're coming in and it's like a method, right?
[00:15:24] Like, Oh, I'm going to use this method and see if it works. And see if I can get my kid to do ultimately what I want them to do. That is not, that's manipulation, right? That's not curiosity. So the other piece too that I am constantly working on and supporting parents with is how do we Access true curiosity in a way that we can energetically pump the, the environment full of curiosity.
[00:15:55] Right? So, so we show up with curiosity in a way that our kids It's palpable, right? Our kids know that we don't have a hidden agenda. They know that we're not judging them. They know that we are truly curious and coming from a place of wanting to understand, right? And as they get older this becomes ever more important, but it is it's important for those littles to too, right?
[00:16:23] And especially for those of you that are listening and you're really in the practice of changing your parenting style. If positive parenting, positive discipline is something that you're really working on moving towards, and perhaps you've been punitive and you've been maybe a yeller and you've been having a hard time with the parenting, you're trying something new.
[00:16:43] First of all, I want to say welcome. Second, I want to say you can do it. This is absolutely available to everyone, and it takes practice, and it's not about perfection, and you get to give yourself some self compassion. Okay, so I want to say all those things. And even for those of us that have been doing it for a long time.
[00:17:04] It takes practice people, right? And sometimes we, because we're humans, we can get into the kind of more demanding, less helpful style. And so we get to reset, right? We get to reset. So So, whether it's a reset or it's really a new way of being with your kids, you can be really transparent. And sometimes, uh, what is required is cleaning up, right?
[00:17:34] A little clean up, a little, like, acknowledgment of, uh, wow, I've been really demanding or, you know, up until now, I've done a lot of yelling and, and telling you what to do. And I'm really trying something new because It doesn't feel good to me, and I know it doesn't feel good to you. Um, and, and you just gotta take baby steps.
[00:17:57] Right? You just gotta take baby steps. And sometimes when we come to our kids with curiosity, and we might be fully in our curiosity, ready to go, feeling really, really, like, authentic and ready and open, and they're just not into it. They don't buy it. Um, you know, we can call that out too. You know, I'm wondering if you're feeling like I'm gonna judge you.
[00:18:22] And can I ask you to trust me and, um, because I'm learning and I, you know, I love you and want what's best for you. But right now, what's most important for me is, is simply to understand, right, is simply to understand. So curiosity is super powerful. That's why I talk about it a lot on the podcast. And I'm going to lead you through a little activity, um, that we do in positive discipline.
[00:18:51] We're going to have a little experiential activity, uh, and this is if you've been to a positive discipline class, which I think there definitely have some listeners who have been through live classes. So this will sound familiar. And, um, the idea here is I want you to imagine being a child and really try to embody being a child.
[00:19:13] Don't be your child, because when we decide, well, I'm going to be my child, then the experience is, oh, I wonder what my child would say. Um, instead of, I'm going to be a child and have the experience, right? So, I invite you to be a child, I'm going to make some statements, and then I'm going to invite you to reflect, and then we'll do another round, okay?
[00:19:37] So, you're a child between the age of 3 and 12, so you decide the age. You decide what age you are. Take a deep breath, let it out, take another deep breath, let it out. Okay, I'm your parent, and I'm going to give you some directions. Go brush your teeth, or you'll have a mouthful of cavities. Don't forget your coat.
[00:20:06] Go to bed now. Do your homework. Stop fighting with your brother. Put your dishes in the dishwasher. Hurry up and get dressed, or you'll miss the bus. Stop whining. You are driving me crazy. Pick up your toys, or I'll give them to children who don't have any. So notice how you feel. Notice what you're thinking or deciding about me, your parent.
[00:20:43] And notice what you're thinking or deciding as the child. Now this is really interesting. When we do this class live, often um, some of the responses from the child are, I felt disempowered. Um, I felt disconnected. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Um, I felt anxious. Um, I felt mad. So, those are some of the feelings that have come up from actual parents.
[00:21:19] And then, thinking or deciding about me, often what comes up is that, you know, the experience that, and this might be your experience, that my parent doesn't care about me, um, that my parent is bossy, um, that I can't trust my parent. And then, thinking and deciding about self, often what comes up is, I, I'm not capable, um, I don't want to do what you're telling me to do.
[00:21:48] Um, I'm bad, right, and, and really, like, none of those statements that I said were really very horrible, right, and usually when we do this activity parents are like, oh gosh, that sounds familiar. Some of those things, so there's not judgment here. It's just noticing, right? It's just giving you an experience to drop into what it's like for your kids So we're gonna do round two and this time I need to take a deep breath in let it out You are again that same child.
[00:22:27] All right, and I'm gonna say some things to you. So I want you to again experience the feelings the thinkings and the decidings Here we go. What do you need to do so your teeth will feel squeaky clean? What will you wear so you will be warm outside? What's next on your bedtime routine chart? What is your plan for doing your homework?
[00:22:58] How can you and your brother solve this problem? What did we decide at the family meeting to do with our dishes when we finished eating? What's your plan for catching the bus on time? What words can you use so I can hear you? What is your responsibility when you're finished playing with your toys?
[00:23:27] So again, noticing how that felt. Noticing what you were thinking or deciding about the adult, me. Noticing what you're thinking or deciding about yourself. And again, oftentimes in live classes when we do this activity, I've led this activity I can't even tell you how many times. Second round, the parents who are role playing as the child, experience feeling empowered, feeling curious, feeling loved, they are thinking or deciding about the parent that they trust them.
[00:24:09] Believing that the parent cares about them, feeling connected to the parent, and thinking or deciding about themselves, like, really being capable, feeling capable, feeling empowered, feeling encouraged, like, believing that they are encouraged, believing that they are loved, and the difference is in asking, you know, this activity is called asking versus telling, And so sometimes, to change an experience, all we have to do is think about what we need and ask the question to draw, we want to draw forth, draw the information out of our children because how many times have we told them we don't like whining?
[00:24:54] A million, right? How many times do we have to tell them to put their toys away? It's so funny to me because I think about like, you know, that quote of the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Right? And I work with so many parents who are like, I tell them, you know, three, four, five different times.
[00:25:14] It's like, well, maybe you should change it up. Right? Let's try changing it up. And I'm not going to sit here and say that, Oh, just ask questions instead of give commands and your kids will be like, Oh, thanks for the question. Now I'm going to follow through. Right? Sometimes a limited choice is useful at the end of this.
[00:25:33] And there is assumption here, like some of these state, some of these questions, like what's next on your bedtime routine chart. There's an assumption that you've made a bedtime routine chart. You've talked about bedtime routine. You've co created something that's going to support them. What did we decide at our family meeting?
[00:25:50] There's the assumption that you do family meetings with your family. Right? And so there is collaboration, cooperation, um, partnership around creating guidelines in the family. So it's not a method, right? It's not just do this. And everything will be fine. Those of you that know me know that that kind of parenting advice makes me crazy.
[00:26:16] There are layers here. There is relationship. There is, um, you know, there is whether or not your kids are falling apart because they're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, right? There's things going on here. And Curiosity questions, being curious, play with it. You will be amazed, amazed at how useful it can be when we come to our kids and we come with the assumption that you know what to do.
[00:26:49] You are capable. I'm just going to kind of spark that. I'm going to trigger that sense of capability.
[00:27:14] So, I just wanted to offer up that tool for you today and, um, play with it and let me know how it goes for you. Let me know. What you're pulling out of this podcast and what's useful to you. All right? And, super exciting, last week pre sale began on my book. Oh my gosh, it's so weird that I have a book out.
[00:27:44] But I have a book out. Pre sale started last Wednesday. I want you to get on it because if you purchase now, between now and the actual launch, which is May 20th, you will get a bonus companion guide to the book, which basically is going to like. It's just, it goes right along with the book with prompts and questions, uh, for you to take what you're learning from the book, apply it directly to your life and reflect and journal.
[00:28:18] So the companion guide is super valuable. And when you order the book and then you head over to the website, joyfulcourage. com slash book, and you fill out a form and shoot me the proof of purchase. And that's when. My team will make sure that you get the companion guide. So I'm really excited about that.
[00:28:44] And I, here's how the book is gonna be useful to you because I just got done, right, talking about using Curiosity. And sometimes things go down and we are Kind of out of our minds. And it's really challenging to think to ourselves like, Oh, right now would be a great time for curiosity. Because what's really happening is, you know, right now would be a really good time to pack my bags and get the hell out of here.
[00:29:12] Maybe not that extreme, but you know what I'm talking about. Well, Joyful Courage, Calming the Drama, and Taking Control of Your Parenting Journey is all about how to Be in your own self regulation, so that no matter what's happening with your kids, you can stay connected to them, connected to yourself, you can be the regulated one as they Have their experience.
[00:29:39] And then you have access to things like perspective and curiosity and, you know, loving compassion, right? That's what the book's all about. It's totally all about you and your practice of staying, uh, calm, keeping it real. Keeping it authentic, but not flying off the handle, not, and the metaphor is the emotional freight train, so not letting the emotional freight train pick you up, or at least when it does pick you up, recognize like, Oh, I'm on the train right now, and I have some tools.
[00:30:13] I have choice here. What am I going to do? So head on over to the website, joyfulcourage. com book, buy the book pre sale and get the companion guide today. Alright people, super excited to get, to support you in that way. And um, I'll be back next week, I'll be back next week with an interview. I don't have my list in front of me so I, it's a surprise who my interview is with next week but I'm sure that there will be loads of takeaways and that you'll love it and Big love to all of you.
[00:30:51] Have a great week. Thank you so much for listening and supporting the work of Joyful Courage.
[00:31:03] Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my Sproutable partners, Julieta and Alana, as well as Danielle. And Chris Mann and the team at Podshaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at besproutable.
[00:31:28] com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.
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