Eps 177: Casey is solo talking about how we influence the iceberg

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Hey, what is up podcast, listeners, I am so glad that you have found yourself at the joyful courage podcast. This is a place where we celebrate real and raw conversations about raising kids with conscious parenting and positive discipline. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, I'm a facilitator. I'm a parent coach. Most importantly, I am a mom of two teenagers, and I am walking the path of more mindful, intentional parenting right alongside of you. Please know that this podcast is created for you. I create it for you and for our community. And if you love it, feel free to share it with all of your family and friends over social media. Let's spread the word. Let's get as many people as possible listening to this show. Please write a review on Apple's podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and join the Patreon community, where parents, just like you are contributing just a small little amount each month to the show and enjoying perks like monthly webinars and community conversations about the content you hear on this podcast. Check the show notes for links and more details on all of that. I am so, so grateful that you are here and now. Enjoy the show. Hey, listeners, I'm back in the closet. Back in my closet because the sound is good. I have no children with me today. You just get me. But oh my gosh, thank you so much for the feedback about episode 175 when I had the kids in here with me and we talked screens that was super fun for me, and it sounded like it really landed for a lot of you. Now I want to be really transparent that our conversations about screen time are not always that joyful So, but it is possible. It's possible to have really powerful conversations with our kids like that. Also, thanks for the feedback about last week's show with Sid. Wasn't he great? I love that guy. I love it when I get to be in conversation with people that I don't know really, other than, you know, scoping them out online. And then we start talking, and we realize, oh, we totally are in alignment with each other. Super fun happens a lot here on the podcast. So yes, today is a solo show, and something I wanted to talk about today is how we parents can influence the iceberg that is our children, right? So I am noticing in my live classes and online and with private clients that often parents want to start with the conversation about their kids behavior, and it is useful to hear the story of what's going on with their kids. And it's, you know, things like battling over homework, or, you know, different types of power struggles. There's the never ending screen time, phone conversation, trying to get out the door, and then we parents, we are mega focused on fixing the problem, because it's not really the getting out the door or the phone conversation or the homework, that's the problem. It's the way that our kids respond to us, right. When it's time to do the homework, or it's time to put the phone away, or we're trying to get out the door, right, the challenge is really kind of where our where we and our children collide in the context of whatever that conversation is, right? And so remembering that in the iceberg metaphor. So if you're new to the podcast, hey, welcome. I talk a lot about this metaphor of the iceberg. And you know the behavior we see, the behavior that's challenging to us, is the tip of the iceberg, right? And then under the surface is all sorts of beliefs and barriers and lacking skill and, you know, basic needs that aren't being met. There's all this stuff happening under the surface that's influencing and motivating that behavior, right? So the iceberg, the behavior we see sometimes is actually a solution to a problem that we may or may not know about, right? And so we played with this a few weeks ago. Go in my parenting class with some local folks here at the Montessori School. Shout out to you guys, you know who you are. And the example was children who a child who wouldn't get ready to go in the morning, and so the family was late getting out the door. So we did an exercise where, you know, there's two options for a response, right? It's a problem that happens not just like, Oh, this one time my daughter had a hard time getting ready for school, but it's something that we are facing day in and day out, right? So we have two options for response. We can come from the mindset of, okay, what do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate, right? What do I have to do to get her to cooperate? What do I have to do to her to motivate her to be on my agenda, right? And this is when, when, when, this is our mindset. We often go to bribes, slash rewards, right? Threats, punishment, slash consequences, like that's really what we have available to us. When the question is, what do I have to do to this kid to get her to cooperate? Well, there's another option for a response, right? There's another mindset that we can take when we notice a problem, like, in the example, a child who is hard to get out the door in the morning, right? Or, really, it could be any of those examples that I mentioned, homework, screens, putting phones away, power struggles, right? What do I have to do this kid to get them to cooperate, versus what is happening for my child that's getting in the way of them cooperating? Right? And so these are the questions that we ask. This is, and there can you feel the there's those are two very different mindsets, and the idea behind one is, you know, my child will only do what I want them to do if I coerce them right through consequences and rewards. Whereas the other one, the mindset is really like, I trust that my child wants to be cooperative and is having a hard time, so I want to get curious and find out what's going on with her. And in either of those questions, the you know, the good news is we don't have to be the ones that come up with the answers. We can go to the source, right? We can go to the source. So in the exercise that I did with my class, it looked like the parent going to the child and saying, Tell me about the mornings for you, when it's the morning and it's a school day, tell me about how that feels. I noticed that, you know, I get really frustrated. What? How? What is your experience? What do you notice about mom or dad? Right? And really, we just want to keep asking these open ended conversations with the goal of having a better idea of what the experience is for our child, because we can make assumptions all day long. And you guys have heard me say this, you gals and guys have heard me say this a lot. We can make assumptions all day long, but at the end of the day, just because we've, you know, made an assumption doesn't mean that it's true. So we have to go to the child and broaden our perspective. You

uh, around their experience. And inside of this, inside of this, we're gathering information, and a lot of the time it's really useful information, because it's letting us know, oh, this is a place where my child gets stuck, or, Oh, this is, this is what she really wants time for in the morning, right? And so with this broader perspective, then together, we can make a plan that will support the child and you the parent in having an easier time of it and increase the likelihood of cooperation. Can you see that? And because when we think about like, Okay, if you're not ready to go in the morning and we're late, another time you're not going to get to have screen time in the afternoon when you get home from school. Now, is that a tool? Yes, threats are tools, consequences are tools. But is that something that's going to support the child in practicing, learning, developing the life skills that she needs to be more organized in the morning, or to make time for, you know, whatever it is that she wants to make time for in the morning, like there's no skill development there. There's. An assumption of you have everything you need. You're just giving me a hard time. So now I'm gonna put this thing out there, this threat, in hopes that that's gonna be enough to get you, you know, moving along in the morning. So it's, it's short sighted, and you know, for some kids, okay, that that could be useful, until it's not right. And then, you know, you have the afternoon where you get to battle over, like, are you really going to take away screen time? And and then, you know, is it a problem for you? I mean, it's just like, you know, this crazy spiral. Now I want to be fully transparent, because that's what I do so I am bumping up against something like this, because sometimes, right, sometimes our kids, you know, when we are well intentioned and loving and curious and we just want to know something, and we go in for The conversation, and they get maybe defensive or closed off or agitated. So that happens sometimes when I want to talk about the future with my teenager, right? Like, what do you want to do? Let's talk about it. Let's talk about college. Let's talk about what's important to you. And I mean, she just is, like, not going there with you. It's as if she smells a trap, which I don't think that I'm laying down a trap. I am genuinely curious. I do think that it's important for her to, you know, have goals and a plan, so that, you know, she can weigh out her decisions based on, is this moving me forward towards what I want or not? And for whatever reason, she's not interested in having the conversation. Not only is she not interested, but she gets, like, kind of mad, and then so, you know, her experience shows up. Her you know, whether it's anxiety or agitation, shows up, and those mirror neurons kick into gear for me, right? And I'm like, why can't we have this conversation, what's your problem like? And then I get irritated in my less than best parenting moments, until we're both super discouraged and recognize like the conversation is over. It definitely feels like a win lose situation, like it doesn't feel it doesn't feel good, and I and it feels like a power struggle. So as I thought about this podcast today, and I thought about this particular challenge that I'm having, I started to think, you know, maybe I am engaged in the wrong conversation. And I think that that happens to a lot of us, like even in the example of the morning, like, what makes it hard for you to get ready in the morning? There's that. But when our kids are really closed off and don't want to have those conversations, then maybe there's a different conversation to have. And what I mean is, you know, and especially looking at my own situation, like maybe the conversation becomes, I notice that it's hard for you when I want to talk about the future, like, what's coming up for you. And maybe, if it's, I know, I've heard from many of you around, you know, screens and they just that feels like, you know, there's no win on the screen time conversation, or you're, you know, just bringing it up brings defensiveness and attitude, and so maybe the conversation is about that, like I noticed that we can't seem to have a conversation about screens or homework or fill in the blank, right, without it becoming a very emotional conversation. And I'm I'm curious about that. Tell me about that, because I can make some stories in my mind about why I think when I want to talk about the future, sparks defensiveness and anxiety in my daughter, but I'm creating, until I hear it from her, I'm creating a story, right? And so I want to know, and I want her to be aware too. Like, why is this? Why is this hard for you? You know, because wouldn't it be useful to have a vision for the future, right and then? But beyond that, I'm just really curious about how you are bumping up against. A conversation, and is it me? Is it about which? Even as I say this, I can hear her saying it is not about you, but she doesn't sound like that. But, you know, she does tell me things are not about me, but I could get curious and say, Do you feel like I'm gonna judge you? Are you worried about, you know, saying something and then having to be married to it, I could get curious about it, because don't we want our kids to learn how to be curious about their own response to the world. I mean, I feel like this is something that I have been developing, you know, probably over the last 10 years, this awareness, this outside observer of myself, and how powerful it would have been for someone to have supported me in recognizing like, Oh, wow. Look at the way that I'm responding to that isn't that interesting. I wonder where that's coming from. Does this serve me? Does this not serve me, right? So, you know, there under the iceberg, it's just so juicy in there, right? It's so juicy in there, and it's really, really, really a place for curiosity, right? And not only is it a place for curiosity, but in the process of excavating our kids iceberg, or supporting them and excavating their own iceberg, really, our work is also to recognize and acknowledge when we are holding on, getting rigid or letting fear or our agenda drive us right, like, especially when, when I think about the homework conversation, like, when we're trying to support our kids, and it's in our minds, it's like, oh, they Just don't care about school or grades. You know, what starts to drive us, right? Fear, are they going to graduate? Are they going to go to college? What if they don't go to college? Okay, they go to trades What if they don't want to go to trade school? What if they don't want to go to community college? What if they just want to go straight into some entry level, you know, basic job. Is that okay? Do I want that? Here we go, right. Do I want that? Isn't it about them, right? Isn't it about them? And we can have conversations, and there's some great examples in the positive discipline book from Jane Nelson talking to her sons about this, but we can have conversations. And I actually just listened to I've listened to a couple of podcasts. Well, did I tell you all that I'm obsessed with armchair expert with Dax Shepard.

Okay, listen, if you listen, I just want you to be warned that it is a black hole, and you will not want to stop listening. And it's Dax Shepard interviewing you know, friends and colleagues and who are celebrities, mostly actors and some experts. And he recently had on Jake Johnson, who is Nick on the new girl, if you watch that show, Nick is a beloved character. And he talked about how, you know, he did not do well in school. He thought that the purpose of school was him to for him to entertain. And at 15, came home and was supposed to take some standardized tests or something like that. And basically his mom is like, Well, what do you want to do? And he's like, Well, I don't want to go to school. And she said, Okay. And he dropped out, and he had to go to work with his uncle and and that was really tough work, and he really didn't like it. And so he decided, You know what, I'm going to go back to school. That is a scary leap of faith, right? That's a scary leap of faith, but the kid that comes back into the school environment after that experience is a very different kid than the one who's just clowning around and not really caring, right? And so I think that our mission, our purpose, is to really figure out where those opportunities are to let go in a way that really supports and serves our kids and where to hold on. Because I wish I had the perfect answer for this. I wish I could say this is where you hold on, and this is where you let go, like when I think about, you know, screens, screen time. Like we know that screens affect the brain. And, you know, I'm not going to sit here ever and say, you know, let your just give them free reign and let your kids figure it out. I just don't believe in that. That'd be like saying, here's a here's a bag of coke. You know, good luck, because after a. While, you know, they don't have the tools to navigate moderation and and what's good, I mean, granted, it's not the same, but you know what I mean, right? So when we're having these conversations, really noticing when we're getting super rigid and super fearful, and coming back to mutual respect. So mutual respect is one of the positive discipline pillars, and it's in our in our relationship, in our conversations, having respect for the needs of the child while also respecting yourself and the situation. And in positive discipline, we talk about kindness and firmness. Kindness is respecting the child and the needs of the child firmness is respecting yourself and respecting the situation, right? So honor who they are and their temperament. I am an all in kind of gal, right? Like I like to go deep and swirl around in it and be in the muck and be really curious and observant, and then learn and be transparent. And I mean, I like to get it all out. I do not hold back. I process out loud. I process in the moment. This is not the same for my husband, definitely not the same for my daughter, and so I get to acknowledge just because that's what works for me. Doesn't mean that that is a safe place for them to go and I get to adjust and adapt, right? Not always easy, definitely a learning edge for me. Absolutely respectful of them, right? Doesn't mean I completely abandon who I am, but it does mean that I can honor and acknowledge and say, hey, you know, perhaps, hey, I'd like to have a conversation about XYZ. I wanted to give you a heads up so that you can kind of think about it and and decide what you want to share. Let's talk about it later, right? That would be a way of being mutually respectful in that situation. So, yeah, that's what's on my mind right now. And to sum it up, right, I think it's super important for all of us to recognize how we are contributing to some of the challenges that we're experiencing with our kids. We get to own it and get curious about their experience, find out where their barriers are, identify what the actual problem is, right, be an open, non judgmental listener. Always be solution minded, right? We're always looking for solutions. And just to remind you, solutions are related, respectful, reasonable and helpful to the child. We always want to be respectful and to honor who our child is in word and action. I love that one that is one that I am practicing all the time and not always getting right, honoring my kids, honoring who they are in the way that I speak to them and the way that I behave towards them, that's what I want to leave you with. But before I go, I'm gonna switch gears for a second and say I have a really exciting update on my book. Yes, yes. Yes. Remember that? Remember that I'm writing a book. So the title of my book is joyful courage, calming the drama and taking control of your parenting journey. This book is all about how to show up as a joyful courage parent so that you have better access to the tools you need in those hot parenting moments, tools that are helpful and maintain connection with your child. I'm super excited about this book because I think you know, those of you that are listening that have two year olds, preschoolers are going to find it equally as useful as those of you that are listening with you know, 16, 1718, year olds. I just, I just am so excited and so proud, um, because it's a book about us more than it is about them, right? Pre sale. Pre sale begins April 10. Oh my gosh, right around the corner, as many of you as possible buying pre sale would be fantastic. I'm gonna have some special bonuses that I that are to be determined for my pre sale buyers, but I'll let you know as soon as possible the official launch date of the book is may 20. OMG. So, so exciting. The best way to stay up to date on the book is to and all the news everything that's going on with the book is to join my newsletter list. Join my newsletter list. If you haven't already, you can sign up at www dot joyful courage.com/ Slash, join so that's joyful courage.com/j. O, I N, and of course, share, share, share, share the podcast, share the website, share anything that you love that I've put out there. Share it, because the more people that are subscribed to the newsletter, the more people that are tuned in to what's happening at joyful courage, the more people that are buying the book presale, the more that the book actually gets put in front of people. Does that make sense? So I really need your help. I really need your help. And thank you so much to everyone that has been so encouraging on this journey. I have a small circle of mamas that I've worked with the last couple of years who were contributors to the book bonfire. The Bonfire circle. I love you gals. I appreciate all of you. We're almost there. We're almost there. Yes, yes, yes. As always, have a beautiful week. Shoot me any feedback, thoughts, questions, be sure to leave me a, oh, a sub rate and review on iTunes. I forgot to check and see if there were any new ones. I'll have to do that next time. Big, big. Love to all of you. Love on those kids, and I will see you soon. Joyful courage community, thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business pages on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google Play. I Heart Radio, really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts. Also, I mentioned Patreon at the beginning of the show. Check it out, www.patreon.com/joyful courage. This is where you can contribute to the show and take advantage of patron perks like content rich monthly webinars and deeper discussions about what's being shared on the podcast. You will like it. Www, dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful, courage. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent. Casey at joyful courage.com I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. So reach out. You can also sign up for my bi weekly newsletter at joyful courage.com just go to the website. Sign up for that. Take a breath. Drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay. Big Love to each and every one of you have a beautiful rest of your day.