Eps 173: A solo show about the power of encouragement

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:04
Hey, what is up podcast, listeners, I am so glad that you have found yourself at the joyful courage podcast. This is a place where we celebrate real and raw conversations about raising kids with conscious parenting and positive discipline. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, I'm a facilitator. I'm a parent coach. Most importantly, I am a mom of two teenagers, and I am walking the path of more mindful, intentional parenting right alongside of you. Please know that this podcast is created for you. I create it for you and for our community. And if you love it, feel free to share it with all of your family and friends over social media. Let's spread the word. Let's get as many people as possible listening to this show. Please write a review on Apple's podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and join the Patreon community, where parents, just like you are contributing just a small little amount each month to the show and enjoying perks like monthly webinars and community conversations about the content you hear on this podcast. Check the show notes for links and more details on all of that. I am so, so grateful that you are here and now. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody. Hey. Welcome back new week, New Show. This week is all me, all me coming at ya. Oh my gosh. I feel like the last month has been such a whirlwind, setting up for the teen Summit, and then having the teen summit go live, and now we're in the marketing of the Forever access for people who want to buy the packaged Summit. Oh my gosh, but it was so amazing. I mean, first of all, I am still kind of in awe of the conversations that I got to have with so many people that I care about, that I admire, who matter to me, whose opinions matter to me. I'm so grateful to all the guests who said yes, and then to all of the many, many, many, many, many hundreds of people who joined in to listen. You know, it's powerful. What happens when we start having real conversations about parenting, when we get past the, you know, kind of the surface level, all shared just enough everything's fine conversation, and really get real about our fears and our hopes and our dreams and our desires with our kids. I think that so many of us, when we're parenting, we and it feels like crisis, when things aren't going well when it feels like we can't connect with our kids, when we start having really authentic, real conversations inside of a community, a safe community, with people that are like minded, we get to, you know, the weight of holding what's happening with our kids just begins to lessen ever so much, and we get to really feel connected to other people who are also having experiences with their kids that are challenging. And we start to see how and remember that this is a collective journey, and so many of us are walking the path together, but we have blinders on and almost like this tunnel vision, and we forget that there are others on the path with us. So that was just unbelievable. And I got to meet a couple of the summit participants in real life last week when I was in Seattle speaking at Ballard church. And that was super, super special. I think another thing that's come up in the feedback and in the sharing in the community is that we start to recognize where we're attached, right, either attached to how our kids are showing up, the choices they're making, would they, you know, we have so many attachments that maybe we don't even realize we're attached to. And once those kind of come to the surface, we can do some course correcting and come back to a place of relationship and really surrendering to wherever we're at right now is where we're at, and how to be grounded and centered inside of that moment, right? That energy of that down and in energy, yeah, it was awesome. Oh my gosh. It was so amazing. And now, if you are listening now and you're thinking, oh my gosh, I missed it. I didn't forgot to sign up, or I didn't. I. Grab the Forever access pass over the weekend. The entire summit is still available for purchase, for investing, and it's $109 and with that, $109 you get all 15 interviews that are downloadable, so you can just download them straight onto your computer, your device, all of the transcripts are downloadable, and yeah, and then you can hold on to it, because that's what I'm noticing. And what I'm hearing from participants is they want to go back to the interviews like they're so jam packed that people are like, Oh my gosh, yes, I want this, because I'm going to want to listen to this again. And a lot of the participants had kids that are teens, or, I'm sorry, tweens and preteens, and so maybe the the, you know, there's the journey is along my friends, right? So I just encourage everybody who is having any kind of like, maybe I want that, to make that investment. It's not going to be available forever, so head on over and to the website and make the investment. The other thing, oh my gosh, that just happened last week is I went to Los Angeles overnight and saw Brene Brown speak with my friend Mickey. Oh my gosh, it was so cool. She was recording a some kind of something or other, and did two talks at UCLA, and I jumped on it in early December and bought tickets. And I've seen Brene Brown before. I saw her when she was touring for daring greatly. And I just, I mean, if you don't know who Brene Brown is, Google her. Okay? Because she's

just an amazing example of living with pure authenticity and vulnerability, and she's very smart and also incredibly relatable. And she's a mom, and she's just, she's a professor, she's incredible, right? And anytime I hear her speak, especially when I see her live, I just really appreciate her realness. You know, this place that we were at, Royce Hall, is huge. And you know, she, in my opinion, was able to fill the room like my eyes were glued to her, and we were way in the back. And, you know, I just felt so connected to her. What she spoke about were some stories that I was familiar with. I'd heard her speak of before. And what really struck me, my biggest takeaway, is she tells a story about her daughter, who, at the time was probably 10 or 11 in fifth grade on the swim team, and her coach had told her that at the Big Meet she was going to be swimming the 100 breaststroke, which is 100 yards right of breaststroke, the one where you kind of push your arms up and you bring them down, and you have the frog legs anyway, that her daughter didn't want to do it, and they had all these conversations about it, and, and, you know, her daughter said, I just know I'm not going to win. She says, maybe I'll just not show up, and then they can scratch the race, which is something in the swimmers world that can happen. And, and, you know, I, what I really appreciated about listening to Brene Brown tell this story is that she was very much like, yeah, you could do that. That is a choice. And then she started to talk about how, you know, maybe winning is showing up on the block and being brave enough to dive in the water and swim the distance. Maybe that was winning, you know, and practicing being brave, and I turned to my girlfriend, Amy Perkowski, shout out to Amy, she's my oldest friend in the world. I love you. And I said, I don't remember having conversations with my parents about what it means to be brave. And granted, I was a very outgoing kid, so probably they didn't really think that I needed much help in that department. Maybe my conversations were more about restraint. But, you know, it just got me thinking about how powerful it is to have those kinds of explicit conversations around what it means to be brave, what it means to be resilient and really naming it, not talking around it, but using real life experiences and examples that that are currently alive for them in this conversation. So that was amazing, and it really got me thinking about encouragement, and I'm going to talk about that more in a little bit, you know, and really recognizing what we notice and what we speak, right? And you've heard me talk before. Every time I do a class, we make a list of the challenges that the families are facing on a daily basis. And we also make a list of what are the qualities that you want your kids to one day learn to embody when they're adults. Key phrase one day learn right they're in the practice. Now we have what is called a negativity bias. All of us right? And a negativity bias basically means that we're much more prone to noticing the bad stuff or things that are going wrong, and our brains are kind of wired to do that. And I think that often, you know, like the typical example that I use is at the end of the day, you may have had a perfectly fine day, but there was that, you know, one meltdown that happened in the morning, or maybe there were two meltdowns that happen throughout the day, and so at the end of the day, it really feels like, oh my gosh, today was a fail. And we forget about all those moments that weren't, all those moments where we did feel connected and we did use our skills, and then we think about our kids. And you know, I talk to a lot of parents. I coach parents. They reach out to me via social media and email, and they talk to me about the challenges they're having with their kids. And I, I always, you know, it feels, it can feel like, oh my gosh, this is what, how it always is, right? That word always shows up. They always act like this. They always they can't. And we forget that a lot of the time our kids are practicing their tools. They are in the process of showing up with really powerful life skills. What happens is, when they make mistakes and they slip up, that's kind of where our brain really turn tunes in and so and when it that does happen, it also just feels so painful for us, right, and we want to get it to stop. I think that we have a misguided expectation of mastery, right, especially when our kids can, you know, so much of the time, show us who they are as their best, right? They show us responsibility. They show us follow through. They listen right, and then they don't, and then it's like, how dare you? You've shown me that you can do this, and now you're choosing not to. And we forget that their brains are in development. People, their brains are hardcore in development, and mistakes are absolutely part of the process, and their brains are not fully developed until they're 25 about so I think that we also have a place to work around thinking that they're going to find mastery and life skills. And honestly, look at the adults around you, right? Look at all the ways that we respond poorly to life and to each other, and we then we have this really high expectation on our kids. So just wanted to kind of highlight that there are so many layers going on under the surface, right? And I wanted to shout out to Alison Smith, who was, if you haven't listened to Episode 110 or if you, if it's been a while, I want you to go check out Episode 110 that I did. It was an interview with Alison Smith, and we talked about meaning behind behavior and getting under the surface and being curious, and I think that it'll be really useful to you, if this is landing for you. I also did a solo show about the iceberg metaphor, which you all know that I love that metaphor, and to remember that what's at the surface, what's at the tip of the iceberg, right when we only stay focused in how to get that behavior to stop, instead of looking under the surface at what's driving the behavior, what's motivating the behavior, what's getting in the way of our kids showing up better, right? Then it's short sighted. So that solo show is episode 29 so there's two, and I have one more that I'm going to talk about later, but two homeworks for you this week after you listen to this episode, is to revisit episode 110, and 129 and remember that we have to well, we get to work on staying focused on what's happening under the surface. And it's hard. I get that. It's hard to remember, but it's also it takes a lot of vulnerability and humility to recognize that something's going on under the surface, right? I mean, whatever is happening in the dynamic between you and your child, it might not be about you, right? We like to think that they are being manipulative or doing things to get what you know, to quote, get what they want. And on the surface level, yes, you know, because that's what they've learned over time, and that's where their beliefs are currently residing. And this is how I this is, this is my path, to survive, or to survive, to write sorry, to survive in. Thrive, right? This is what I've learned over time. And guess what? It's what they've learned in the environment and the relationships that they've that they've grown in. So we get to be vulnerable. We get to be humble. We get to look under the surface and recognize, okay, what's happening here. What are the mistaken beliefs? How you know what's happening inside of relationship with my child, we get to have faith that they do want to be the best versions of themselves. They would do want to show up and be cooperative and to contribute and be in relationship with you. We get to trust and we get to surrender and let go of our attachments around how we think it should be right, and also the idea that we know right? I've talked to so many parents, and they're like, Oh, I know what they think. I know what they want, right? Without actually going to the source and saying, Tell me about this experience. Tell me about what it's like for you. I'm trying to understand because I want to be more helpful, right? We are hardwired to connect. So recognizing and really moving forward with the idea that all humans ultimately want connecting. They want to connect, and they want to know that they matter, all of them, our children, our partners, people out in the world. This is how we are wired, right? And so we get to come back to that over and over again. So whatever is the challenge right now for you and your child, as you're listening, when you think about what is the biggest challenge that I'm facing right now? And if you put the lens on of my child wants to connect, and they want to know that they matter.

My child wants to connect, and they want to know that they matter. When you look through that lens, might you see some new openings for conversation with your child? Might you see some new openings and possibilities for some action to take. I think that you will. I think that you will. And our language matters, and the messages that we give through how we respond, totally matter. So I may have mentioned a couple weeks ago that I'm teaching a class at a local Montessori School. So shout out to my Montessori families. Hey, see you. Wednesday last week was week three, and we talked a lot about encouragement versus praise, right? And a lot of us you know, were raised in in this time the 80s, if you're raised in the 80s, and the idea was that we had to our parents learned, or were told that they had to give us self esteem, like they had to, yeah, give us self esteem. And so there was a lot of, you're so great. And I think it, you know, wasn't just the 80s. I think that it's still lingering right. Trophies for everyone. You're so great, you're so smart, you're so this, you're so that, really, without any evidence, right, without any evidence. And when we then, that's really praise. That's what we call praise. When we start looking at encouragement and how to encourage our kids, it's really about we take a look at effort. We take a look at process. Encouragement is about really seeing our child, not only seeing our child, but helping them to feel seen right, naming the qualities and using evidence to name the qualities that we see. Now, you know, sometimes we get a little off track. So, you know, I this just this morning, this I have a story this morning with my son and and he, he came downstairs and he said, Oh, there's no bagels. And I said, Well, you know, there's other things you can make. And I said, you know, you could make waffles. And so he decided he was going to make waffles. And I, you know, I said the directions are on the back of the bag. And I really started off wanting to be really encouraging to him and give him an opportunity feel capable to try something new. And, you know, and he was a little resistant, which got under my skin a little bit, just being honest. And then he said, Okay, well, now I know what the ingredients are. Where am I supposed to put them? And I looked at him, and I was like, in a bowl. I said, Does it seem logical that you would just put the powder and the liquid and and the oil, like, straight onto the waffle band, and he got so upset, I mean, like, teary, mad at me, you know, he's like that. It's, you know, that's just so rude. And I don't know why you want to make me feel stupid. And, you know, and I got heated, my mirror neurons were triggered, and I got. Heated, and I was like, You're not treating me very nice, and what's your problem? And we had this whole little joint mini tantrum, super proud, you know? And then I relaxed and owned it and said, You know, I did not mean to make you feel stupid, and I apologize if that's the way that it felt, and I'm my work is to watch my tone and to think about the messages that I'm giving you, you know? And then he also apologized and said, I'm sorry that I was being so sensitive and and and rude to you. And so we had a sweet little little moment, right? But we get to own our shit and recognize when the messages that our kids are receiving are discouraging, because, like Rudolph dreicher says, a misbehaving child is a discouraged child, my son started getting super snarky and rude to me because he was feeling discouraged. And then I met him there feeling discouraged myself. It got ugly. And then the beautiful part of any kind of situation like this is that we were able to make it right and come back to connection. So when we are encouraging our children like I said, naming qualities with evidence. So, you know, noticing, appreciating, I trust, I have faith that you can do this. I saw you, you know, and this kind of came up this morning afterwards, I said, you know, we've been cooking in the kitchen, and you've been really, you know, into reading the directions and following the directions, and you really get the methodical order. And I, I trust that you're going to be able to be a great cook when you are out in the world. So really, using evidence, you know, to build that, that under the surface, belief around I am capable, right? And it's not about like, it's not that short term. This is how I'm going to fix the behavior. It's about the alt the long term, all the time, right? I don't know if you listened to Episode 136 with Kelly boss, but we talked about how to not become the voice of your child's inner critic. How to not become the voice of your child's inner critic. And I'm recognizing that I have a I have some things to clean up there, because I get a little snarky. I get a little like, really, and it's not useful. It's not useful to my kids, and it's mean and so, you know, I'm not much of a yeller. I use my tools pretty well with parenting. I'm very connected to my kids, and there's still plenty to clean up, right? Again, again. It's about below the surface. It's about supporting our kids and changing what they believe about themselves, right? Because once that we can get them back to this really neutral I count and I belong, I matter and I belong, because I am me, they are going to show up as their best selves, right? They're going to show up as their best self. So I'm going to do a webinar this month in the Patreon community to dive deeper into encouragement, and I hope you join me there. You heard me talk about Patreon in the past, and the the $10 level of Patreon is called the joyful courage super fam, and it's a group of parents who are giving that $10 a month to the podcast to support and the sustainability and create a win win. Members of the community get to enjoy monthly webinars and online support through our closed Facebook page. So if you're interested in not only learning more about encouragement, but also being a part of a community of people that are like minded and focused on supporting and giving back to the podcast. You can check it out. You can get more [email protected] slash joyful courage. That's P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful. Courage. I'd love to have you join the group. Yeah, and just have a beautiful week, my friends. I'm my plan. What I'm going to be doing is watching my tone this week and really working on the sometimes unspoken messages that I'm sending to my kids when I'm less than mindful of what I'm doing, and I'm going to clean up some messes along the way. So practicing my mindfulness, recognizing my unspoken messaging, practicing my encouragement tools, that's my plan for the week. You're welcome to join me and tell me all about it as your week goes on. But as always, I'm so. Grateful to be able to support and serve you. Thank you so much for listening today and all the days that you do. Big, huge love and I'll see you next week. Joyful courage community. Thank you so much for tuning in each and every week. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business pages on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, Spotify, Google Play, I Heart Radio, really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts. Also, I mentioned Patreon at the beginning of the show. Check it out. Www.patreon.com/joyful courage. This is where you can contribute to the show and take advantage of patron perks like content rich monthly webinars and deeper discussions about what's being shared on the podcast, you will like it. Www dot P, A, T, R, E, O n.com/joyful. Courage. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. So reach out. You can also sign up for my bi weekly newsletter at joyful courage.com just go to the website. Sign up for that. Take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay. Big Love to each and every one of you have a beautiful rest of your day