Eps 163: Solo show about raising boys, healthy masculinity, and growing emotional intelligence

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, my friends, yes, a place to be inspired, informed and hopefully entertained on the parenting journey. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, parent coach, positive discipline trainer, and even more importantly, mother to two children who teach me every single day about how to practice showing up in a way that is helpful, connected and humble, who also point out when I am not showing up that way, when we choose into joyful courage, we are choosing into rejoicing in the opportunities for self growth and discovery that exist on the parenting journey. Yes, I did say rejoicing in those opportunities, and it's work, but so worth it. The path we are searching for is in our practice. Super grateful you're here to practice with me. Thank you so much for being a part of the community. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody. Welcome back to the podcast. Yeah. So I just have to say again, I know I said this last week, but I have had such an outpouring of love from the community around this solo show that I did a couple weeks ago talking about my daughter's depression and anxiety and my experience with navigating it, I just you know you all were not we're so much more the same than we are different. And what really I keep coming back to is we are having a collective experience and and we're not talking about the hard stuff, right? Like, I mean, every single day I'm still getting messages from mostly moms saying, you know, thank you for talking about this. This is something I'm struggling with with my child, and nobody knows, or I'm not talking about it with anyone. And thank you to all of you that have reached out and acknowledged the courage that Rowan had to allow me to talk about it. I have passed it on to her. I've read many of your emails and private messages to her, just to highlight to her, you know what she is a part of offering with me through joyful courage. So thank you for that acknowledgement. But we gotta talk to each other, right? We gotta get real. And you know, I see it so much with adults, where there's something that exists in the energy between us, and we don't talk about it, you know, we're uncomfortable, or we're worried about looking good or being right, and so we just don't say whatever it is that's actually true and going on for us, and I just want to challenge all of you today, from this point on, if something exists, whether it's between you and a friend, or you and your partner or you and your child, pull back the curtain and get real And remember that while we talk about positive discipline as a parenting program, it's really a human program. It's a human relationship program. And all of the tools that we talk about right like connecting before correcting or redirecting, we can use those in all of our relationships. So we see our friend, we see our partner, and we tell them how much we love them and how much we appreciate them, and then we tell them that something's going on, something isn't sitting well, and there's something we need to talk to them about, and whether or not you're the one that's reaching out or they're reaching out to you, we all get to have grace for each other. We all get to recognize when somebody is stepping into their vulnerability and saying, This is really hard for me, and it's so important that I connect with you around it. So I just dream of a world where we can be in our truth and we can be honest without worrying about being judged or being criticized. So, you know, again, I'm just super grateful for the response that I had. And I know too, I want to acknowledge that I share a lot of opinions on this show, and you know, I'm always presenting it to you as a buffet, and you are always welcome to take what lands and to leave behind what doesn't. And it's really just an opportunity to look at life, to look at our relationships through multiple lenses, right? Like even last week's show, if you had a chance to listen to last week's show. I had Jennifer Griffin on, and she talked about how, you know, what's happening energetically for us in the moment can often be, well, you know, she says is directly related to how our kids are behaving. And, you know, I mean, I loved that conversation because, not because, like, Oh, now I know that everything that my kid is doing is directly related to how I'm feeling or what's going on with me. I don't know that that's true 100% of the time, but I'm really grateful for, you know, for a broader lens and another consideration, because how many of us have been in the situation where we're thinking to ourselves, oh my god, what is happening with my child? Like we've used all the tools and we think we've just exhausted everything, and we're stumped? Well, here's one more thing. Here's one more way that we can kind of get a new angle by checking in with ourselves. And so what is happening for me right now? Where are my fears right now? What are my past experiences and conditionings that might be influencing how I'm showing up? Which influences how my child is showing up? So again, it's just about offering you lots of different ways of thinking about behavior, other than, Oh my gosh, what's wrong with my child, right? Because we can get stuck in that blame. We can take ourselves out of the equation. And, you know, we're not left with very many options, right? One of the things that I learned in my coaching program that I went through years ago was this model called or right O, A, R, so O stands for observer, right, observer plus action A, observer plus the action that we take equals results, right? The results that we that we experience in the end. So the observer that we are plus the action that we take, equals the results that we have in our life. Now, sometimes we try things, and we try things and we try things, and we keep getting the same result, and it's really frustrating, and when we don't like the result, what do we typically do? We look for a different action to take, right? And that's where the loop is, like, don't like the result, change up the action. Don't like the result, change up the action. But there is an ever more expansive way of thinking about this, and that is to go to the observer that we are, and when we consider the observer that we are, the lens that we're seeing the world out of, you know, most of us just stay mostly inside of our head, right? Our mental experience, the stories, the thoughts. But there are other parts of us, right? There are other parts of us, there are, you know, our there's our body, which is always giving us information and messages, whether it's physical sensations or, you know, tightness, rigidity. We know how we feel when we're scared. We know how we feel when we are enthusiastic. We know how we feel when we are grounded and calm, right? Like, and I don't mean feel as a thought, I mean really feel like, what is our body feel like when we're relaxed? What does our body feel like when we are triggered and in a state of fear? So there's that piece to our observer, there's the messages our body gives us. There's the emotions that are alive in us. Often we play in very surface level emotions, so we're either, you know, happy or mad or sad, frustrated lives inside of that as well. But when we start to really peel things back, we can recognize when what's underneath the surface might be fear, might be longing for acceptance, might be feeling of embarrassment or self doubt, right? So there's all these feelings happening, and then, yes, there is language, there is the thoughts that come up. There's the stories that we're telling ourselves. And so if you could think of like a Venn diagram with these three,

these three circles, body, emotion and language or thought, right? And if they're all connected in one spot, that spot where all of those three parts of ourselves overlap, that's our observer, right? That's that's how we see the world. And so the more that we can expand and grow ourselves in those different areas, specifically the body and our emotional intelligence. The broader our lens, and when we have a broader lens, more actions become available, right? So instead of I'm not getting the results that I want, I have to pick. A different action we go to I'm not getting the results that I want. How can I expand how I'm looking at this challenge, how I'm looking at this situation, you know, what is my body telling me? What are the emotions I have wrapped up in this? What are the assumptions that I'm making? Right? And we can expand our observer, and when we expand our observer, more actions become available, different more creative actions become available, and we're ever better at achieving the results that we want. It's like when you're working on a project and you're like, oh my god, what am I not seeing right now? Right What am I not seeing right now? And then a colleague walks in, your friend walks in and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm having this problem. And they say, oh, you should just try this. It's like, Oh yeah, that seems so obvious now, right? And out, literally, an outside observer comes in and sees from a different lens. And so I think that part of our life's work is really growing and growing and growing our own lens, our own outside observer, so that we can be better at, you know, expanding the possibilities for achieving the results that we want in our life. Oh my gosh, that was not what I was going to talk about today. But there's your little life, life coach lesson. Yeah. So anyway, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being such a strong supporter of the show. You know who you are. You listen every week, you reach out to me. You've left me reviews on iTunes and Facebook, and I'm just so grateful for all the ways that you listeners support joyful courage. All right. So today, today, today, I want to talk about something that's really been coming up for me, both in my home as well as out in the world. It's been in the news media

and I know that everybody doesn't share my political views. Not everybody shares, you know, we all have our own lens, but something that I'm seeing a lot just around the internet and out in the world is this idea of toxic masculinity. And you all know, I, while I do have a teenage daughter who I talk about a lot, I also have a son who is going to be 13 at the end of this month. And while it is extremely important to me that my daughter has the skills that she needs to be out in the world and not be a target and to be empowered, right, all the things it is equally important to me that my son has all the skills he needs to influence his life, to treat people kind, right, to not be a target. And right now, you know, right now it feels really messy. You know, it feels really messy. And I'm raising a son, right? I'm raising a future man. I'm raising a future white man. And I'm really aware of that. I'm really conscious of of what that, you know, what that looks like, and of the challenges that and the responsibility, actually even more the challenge of responsibility that he has, you know, and my responsibility so, you know, he's in seventh grade, and I've posted a couple articles about this in the live in love with joyful courage group, but you know, middle school is really when, I mean, We saw it prior to middle school, but it's really when the boys start to really pick up on the what it means to be masculine, right? Quote means what it means to be masculine, what the messages are about masculinity and coolness and success and, um, you know, my son, he's always been super sensitive, and, you know, it's one of those things, nature versus nurture, because he's always been really sensitive. And I've always met him where he's at, and we've, you know, we talk about, how does this feel in your body? What are the emotions that you're having? Nobody ever told him he couldn't cry. Nobody ever told him to suck it up, right? So I feel like his his experience has really been one where we have been really conscious around nurturing his wholeness. And there's a train going by. So if you can hear that, I live in a town with a train anyway, so, you know, we emotional intelligence is for everyone, right? There's this I there's this myth that, you know, women are so emotional and men. Just aren't and I would challenge that. I would say that men are absolutely emotional, and from a very young age, they are told to stuff it. They are told that people don't want and the message they receive is that you don't show emotions. Nobody wants to hear about your emotions. You need to be strong. You need to be tough. Emotions are weak, right? I mean, that's pretty much the messages that boys are getting from a lot of different places, right, not just their parents, but a lot of different places. And you know, when you think, I can't even tell you how many women that I've worked with, that I'm friends with, who are so frustrated by their partner's inability to communicate about emotions. And I want to say shout out to the dads that listen to this show. Really appreciating you and I in no way am attacking all men. And I really and I love deeply, many men in my life who are willing to go there and are willing to talk about really important, deep, difficult emotions and experiences. It's and that's why, that's what I'm saying. That's what's so annoying, is there's this idea that, Oh, men just aren't emotional like, that's a bunch of crap, and it's so tragic to see, at a really young age, the boys that are picking up on that messaging and the posturing that's happening in our schools and our elementary and our middle schools, right? And not only that, but I'm seeing it also in the ways that boys are treating girls, even really young, at a really young age. And this isn't to say that the girls are innocent, either, but the fragile ego of boys and men is unbelievable, right? And we do have, I'm just going to say it. We do have a model right now that sits in the highest office in the land, who, you know, name calls and degrades anyone who doesn't agree with him, right? So there that model exists, and it's on the radio and it's on TV, right? And, and the message there is, attack your quote. Enemies. Attack pretty much anyone that it disagrees with you. Attack their appearance, attack their character and and if you're paying attention to your kids and what's happening in their schools, you're probably seeing this. My daughter had an experience with one kid who, when she broke up with him, he had all sorts of things to say. He took to social media. And, you know, I just heard a story this morning about a boy who, you know, really good friends with a girl they decide to date for like, an hour. She decides, no, thank you. And you know he's calling her a bunch of names, including, like, ho, okay, you can't be 12 years old and be a hoe, everyone, I mean, and it doesn't really matter the language, the words that he's choosing. It's this whole thing around fragile freaking egos like, Get over yourself. Get over yourself. And my son and I had a conversation. I said, Hey, listen, you will care deeply about someone else, and they will hurt you. And even when that happens, you don't get to call them a hoe, you don't get to, you know, and he's, you know, he's real quick say, Oh, I know, Mom, you know. And we'll see, right? We'll see, because he hasn't, you know, had total heartbreak yet. But it's just like, it's, it's driving me crazy. And on one hand, you know, I think it's, it's difficult for parents to if they haven't, like, nurtured this really open relationship with their boys, from the beginning, it's hard to get in there, and so we kind of give up, or we say, Oh, they just don't want to talk about it. They are longing to talk about it, right? Maybe not the minute they get in the car, but they're longing to talk about that. And you know, Curiosity is so huge curiosity, being deeply curious, embodying curiosity, and letting go of our assumptions and letting go of our judgments, and just really connecting with our boys around what's going on. This is what I'm noticing. You know, this is what you're bringing to the dinner table, or this is what I'm seeing when you come in from school, and I'm just really curious about what's going on with you, because I care about you, and I want you to know that if you ever need any help, you know I'm here.

Hey listeners. I'm just popping in real quick to remind you that one of the ways that you can work with me is through private one on one coaching. I am a certified positive discipline trainer as well as a certified life coach, and I love working one on one with clients to tease apart the challenges that they're having, as well as. Help them build a foundation around being the kind of parent that they want to be. If you are interested in learning more about coaching, you can go to www dot, joyful courage.com/coaching, that's WWW dot, joyful courage.com/coaching, and if you're interested, you are welcome to schedule a free 20 minute explore. Call with me at any time. Back to the show. Make it a routine to talk about how you're feeling both parents, right. We have to show our kids and model for our kids what it looks like to be really emotionally expressive and to talk deeper than Oh, I was so angry today, this and this and this happen. And take it a step further and say, gosh. And you know what I'm realizing is that I got so angry because of this other thing coming into play. And just imagine that you're offering them a narrative that is going to interrupt some of the messaging and the patterning. Maybe that's already in place for them, right? So making it a routine, making it like a norm in your family, we talk about how we feel, we're explicit in how we feel. You know, we're willing to get vulnerable. We're willing to be authentic, and it's not coddling. We're not coddling anyone. And you know, if we keep maintaining the status quo of toughening up our boys and having them suppress how they feel, we will continue to see a culture where war and violence exists, right? We're gonna just keep seeing it. And this isn't about blaming the men. We're not blaming anyone. We are, you know, taking a right turn. We're interrupting what has been and moving towards a new paradigm, one not where, you know, it's all, you know, it's not swinging the pendulum to like, okay, great. The women are in charge and the men are the minions, because that wouldn't be useful either. We need to forge a path of moving forward together where everyone has equal dignity and respect. Everyone deserves that. Everyone gives that like it's just a no brainer, right? And it's not from a place of fear, it's really from a place of love. We all get to be full humans, right? We all get to be full humans, and we have to recognize too, I think. And when I say we, you all know, I'm including myself inside of this, right? I have not mastered this. I'm living inside of this as well. And there are plenty of times where I'm in conversation with my son and I'm tongue tied, and I'm like, What is, what do I say right now? There's plenty of times where I go into lecture mode and I know he tunes me out. There's plenty of times where in my I do come from a place of fear and like, don't be a rapist. And, you know, and he calls me out and will say, Mom, I'm not that. I'm not that kind of boy. I know that, and still, right and still. So we have to help our boys build skills, right? So, you know, we were having a conversation about one particular kid at school who's just kind of a jerk to everyone, and a lot of posturing, and, I mean, you know the type, right? And it's really easy to tell our boys, well, if somebody's being mean, you just need to walk away, or you tell them it's not okay. And we don't really, it seems sound so simple, and it's so hard, especially as they move into middle school, and they want to save face, right? They want to save face. They want to they don't want to become a target, right? And we want them. We want them to advocate for themselves without being a jerk, right? That. We want them to be a champion. So, have you read masterminds and wing men? Rosalyn Wiseman's book about boys and social groups and the roles that they fall into. It's really good.

You should read it. Rosalyn Wiseman, she was on the podcast a couple years ago. Maybe she'll come back on, but it's a fantastic book that really gets into the life and the world of teen boys in a way that is really, you know, she's the author is amazing, and she really builds a lot of trust with boys, and they really inform and inspire. And we're the final editors, I think of the book, but she talks about, you know, all the different roles, and the final role is the role of the champion. And the champion, the boy who's the champion, his his role, really, who he is, is, is that people like him. He can take criticism, he doesn't make people choose friends, and he doesn't blow someone off for a better offer when people harass or do. People are harassed or demeaned, he intervenes. He's comfortable hanging out with guys who are both, you know, inside the what do you call it, like the popular social circle, as well as guys that are outside of that box. He holds his own opinions, but he still listens to others. You know this is really, I mean, don't we all want boys that do that, that don't feel like their entire identity of masculinity is rocked if somebody says, Oh, you're so gay, or some other derogatory you such a pussy, you know? Because that's what happens with our boys, like they are so hyper focused on not having their masculinity shook that anything like that, any kind of comments like that, sends them into this really weird place of of just fear and self doubt and and then often, we'll send them towards being hurtful, targeting somebody else to get the target off of them. So it's hard, right? And here's what we guess what? Let's talk about the fact that it's hard. Let's point out the posturing, you know. Let's point that out. Let's validate their experience instead of, Oh, buddy, you just got to shake that off. It's not that big of a deal, right? That's one way to respond when our kids come to us and say, Hey, this happened, or this is what I'm going through. You know, I think that we also become deeply uncomfortable when we feel like our kids are having a hard time and so really saying, Oh, you just got to brush that off. It's no big deal. Is probably our own internal desire to brush it off and make it not a big deal. But we have to listen to them. We have to validate that that sounds really hard, that sounds really hard, and how are you what works for you? How are you navigating that? Do you need any help? You know that I'm here for you, right? We have to support our kids in the ways that they respond to life, and we need to call them out if you know their response is one that is hurtful or anti social, right or uncooperative, we get to support them, we get to help them, we get to offer and advise, and we also get to get out of the way and let them practice, right? This isn't helicopter parenting. This isn't swooping in and solving all their problems and going to the principal and complaining and naming names and blah, blah, blah. I mean, yes, if your child is being bullied, you know, if it's ongoing, if there is, you know, a clear power dynamic happening, and your child has come to you, you get to advocate for him. Yes, absolutely. And not everything is bullying. Sometimes kids are just mean, right? And so we want to support our boys by first being a soundboard and letting them express what's happening without flying off the handle or brushing it off or telling them they shouldn't feel that way. We need them to express what's happening, get to the other side of that, and then just simply ask, like, wow, what are you going to do about this? Like, what do you need? How can I help you? Do you want to brainstorm some solutions? Do you want to role play? Do you want to Ian and I have, you know, one of the things we talk about is, do you have a one liner that you use when that kid's around to just kind of get out of the situation in a way that you feel, you know, you still feel like your dignity is intact and you haven't been a jerk, but you also feel solid and grounded in who you are, right? And remember, typically, you know we all are searching for belonging, significance and influence. And when you're 10 or 12 or 14 or 16, you know it that need is not any less, however, how we the path we take, there can sometimes be a little wonky, right? You've heard me say this before, right? And so kids that aren't feeling belonging and significance and influence in their life outside of school, they might take it where they can get it right. So maybe inside school, they know that there is a sense of importance when they're posturing around, right? So sometimes there's, you know, it's an insecure kid who's taking that lead and being a jerk, or it's an entitled kid, right? And all boys will fall into a role where they feel safe. So if they're the sidekick that rosin Wiseman has all sorts of labels for the different. Social roles. And so there's the mastermind, right? Of a social circle, there's a sidekick, right? It's the one that's like, yeah, yeah. You know, they kind of glom on to the quote, social power of the mastermind. And then there's a variety of other roles that boys take. And it's all really like, I want to feel like I'm connected to this group. I want to feel like I matter in this group, and I want to have influence, and I don't want to be the target, right? I don't want to be the target. So talk to your boys. Read the book masterminds and wing men. I'm telling you, you'll like it. Talk about it with your boys. Ask them, Is this something that you see one time, I did a whole class on on these social roles, and I had my son look at the breakdown of the different roles that kids fall into, and he was able to read it and say, Oh yeah, so and so. Is this and so and so is that and so and so is that, you know. And he could really see how it fit into the experience that he was having, right? So talk to them, and keep talking to them. And if they don't want to talk, that's okay. You can let them know. Well, I'm going to come, I'm going to ask you later, because I really want to check in. It's important to me to hear from you. Talk about emotions. Talk about that. It's hard to talk about emotions, and we still get to their future partners will be so grateful. Check your shoulds and your shouldn't at the door, right? This is I'm saying this to you. I'm saying it to myself. Believe me, anytime we move into well, you should just you can expect your boys and your girls to check out, right? It's not respectful, it's not helpful. So check those at the door. Be open. Just be open with your kids, own your own mistakes, right? And encourage them when you see their them displaying life skills, right? So anytime you see you know, they tell you a story, or you hear from someone else, like, wow, that happened. That sounded really hard. And it was super courageous of you to stand up to your friend, right? It was, it was courageous of you to advocate for someone that they were being your good friend was being hurtful towards. So call out the skills that your child is displaying, you know, as they share with you and love them up like let's hug and squeeze and kiss on our boys, right? All of us, dads, moms, let's, let's be affectionate with each other. It's what they are craving, and they can't ask for, right? Everybody wants to feel connected, to know that they matter and that they have influence over their lives. So let's give them a healthy environment at home, where all of that is met, right, so that they don't have to go and create this like false sense of belonging at the expense of other people, right? Let's be champions. Let's all be champions. Let's advocate for our boys, and let's trust that they are equally as capable of growing emotional intelligence as our girls are, and that is how we will create a better world this generation of boys, right? That's how we can end the hashtag metoo. Is by raising boys that are emotionally intelligent. All right, that's my little soapbox for today. Let me know what you think. Let me know if this is landing for you. If you have any resources or thoughts or stories that you want to share with me, feel free to reach out. You know where to find me? Casey at joyful courage.com.

Instagram, Facebook, you know the places. Thank you so much again for listening in to another week's show. And funny enough, next week, I'm going to be on with Jeremy Schneider, who's a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and we're actually talking about how to encourage our partners to join us on the positive discipline, positive parenting path, so more kind of about the same stuff next week. Yay. Have a beautiful, beautiful day. Joyful courage. Community, you are amazing. Big thanks and love to my team, including producer Chris Mann at pod shaper. Please be sure to join in the discussion over at the live and love with joyful courage Facebook group as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcast Spotify. Google Play, iHeartRadio, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage programs and my coaching offers over at the web page. Simply head to www.joyfulcourage.com to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. If you want to give back to the show, and I really hope you do become a patron, click donate on the website to give back to the show that gives you so much. Any comments or feedback about this episode, or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everything is going to be okay.