Eps 161: Solo Show About Navigating Depression and Anxiety

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Hey everybody, welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. Conversations you'll hear on this show are all intended to offer you tools for moving forward, expanding your lens and shifting your narrative to one of possibility, connection and empowerment. When we bring deep, listening, acceptance and courage to our relationships, we are doing our part to evoke it in the world. I am thrilled to partner with you on this path. Hey everybody, welcome. Welcome back to the podcast. New week, new show. This is a solo show week. Yay, solo shows. I actually have a whole plan, a whole outline here in front of me, because what I want to talk about today is super near and dear to my heart. And before I start, I just want to make it well a couple things. One is I'm going to talk about some of the challenges and my experience, of the challenges that I've been experiencing with my daughter, with my 15 year old. I did ask her permission. I wanted to make sure that it was okay with her that I talk about our experience. She said, Yes, also, I am going to be talking about depression and anxiety, and I am not a trained therapist, I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a psychiatrist. I do not have a background in depression and anxiety. I don't even have any of my own personal experiences where I have experienced or lived with depression and anxiety. And I feel like because of that, because of that, that makes me, you know, kind of the perfect person to be talking about this with all of you, because most of us come into this parenting gig, and we think we're in the clear, right? We do all the things, and we might even feel like, you know what? I think, I think I've got this, I think that we're we're we're feeling good, adolescence isn't going to be so bad. And then adolescence shows up, and we then realize, oh shit, this isn't what I was expecting. And most of us, like like me, are not trained mental health providers, so we've got these children that are beginning to look more and more like adults who have mental health health issues, and we feel like we're at a loss, and it's scary. And so today I'm going to talk about my experience with this. If you have been a listener for the last year, at least, you have heard my struggle. You've heard me talk here and there about high school and my experience of parenting my daughter through her freshman year, which was not an easy year, she was extremely discouraged and had a few things and a few relationships over the course of her freshman year that added to that discouragement. We had some things happen inside of our little core family that added to that it was a really, really tough year for us and for her, she Yeah, and I'm going to get more into that. She is now, as you know, if you've been listening, she's now doing online school and has chosen, opted out of the high school experience. And this has, you know, so far, I'm feeling pretty good about that choice. And something that keeps coming up, though, is anxiety and depression, and she talks about it. What we noticed through the summer is that as we got closer to the school year, she became ever more engaged and lighthearted and really connected inside of the family, and my husband and I both mentioned it to her, and she said, Well, yeah, I I'm not anxious about school because I don't have to go back there. And it's like I've said before, like this blanket, this heavy blanket, has slipped off her shoulders, and she's just lighter, you know. And then come two weeks ago, and all of a sudden, she's back in this kind of dark place where she doesn't want to really leave the house, she doesn't want to exercise, you know. And it triggers all of my stuff. I. Yeah, meanwhile, meanwhile, I'm connecting with friends of mine who are reaching out because they're getting just the peripheral of what's happening with Rowan, and friends that are reaching out saying, Hey, I'm having a really hard time with my teenager. Do you want to meet for coffee? And we're sitting down and we're talking about really similar experiences, also clients that I've been working with in the last year, people that are showing up for my programs more and more as they feel comfortable in this space, people are sharing about their teens and their mental health around anxiety and depression. So this is a thing, right? And we know it's a thing. We know it's a thing, and it's a lot different to hear the news talk about the high rates of anxiety and depression in teenagers today. It's another thing to be looking at your child and having them ask you for antidepressants, having them tell you that they have anxiety, right? It's a different experience to confront it inside of your own home. And when we get online and we and we look for information, I mean, maybe I just don't know where to look, but I'm having a really hard time finding solid information and making sense of the information that I can find. And people I've got some amazing resources, right? Because I've got, I mean, I am privileged to be in some really incredible parent educator groups with other people that are doing this work, and I've reached out, and I'm getting some some good feedback and some possible directions to go in, but it's hard. And, yeah, and when we think about, you know, some of us can look back and say, Well, yeah, teenage years were really hard for me, right? Teenage years, I don't, I mean, I had some pretty major family situations, but I don't, but I was not depressed, like I was having a great time as a teenager. And you know, if I'm really honest and I look back perhaps some of that, perhaps some of my at risk behavior was actually masking some of the underlying things that were going on. But it's really hard for me to understand this depth of darkness and fear that grips my daughter, and granted, we can also talk about how the world has changed. I mean, doesn't every generation say this? Yes? And I mean social media, whoa. Thank God there was no social media when I was a teenager, I remember thinking that like when some of the reality shows started showing up, like Laguna Beach on MTV. So I grew up in Laguna and I remember thinking, oh my gosh, thank God there was not a camera crew following us around when we were in high school. So that would have been bad, but social media has taken that to a whole new level, right? And I don't want to be another parent who's lamenting the evils of social media because I use social media. I am an avid social media user. I see it as a tool I have to check my own use, yes, and we cannot pretend that it isn't something that is getting in the way of our kids' development, right? Right? I mean, just a couple days ago, I was hearing about some girls that were having a hard time, and rather than the two of them, who had been friends for a long time, having a conversation, it was blasting each other on Instagram, right? Nice life skill development there, not to mention active shooter drills. I mean, I remember doing earthquake drills growing up in California. Those weren't that fun, but they weren't that, I mean, whatever, right? They were just kind of like, okay, we have to do this. I don't really love this. Hopefully this never happens. Active Shooter drills, the fact that it's become so common that we have to prepare the kids hurts my heart, right? It hurts my heart. So there's a lot of things stacked up against our kids right now. And if teen angst is normal, adding social media, active shooter drills, you know, celebrity culture, it's not doing them any favors, right? And then this is what I keep saying, like, isn't it so messed up to be on the other side

of teenagers, meaning, you know, it's one thing to be a teenager. It's a whole nother D Hall to be the parent of a teenager. Like it's kind of messed up. And that is not to say that I don't have some I have a lot of really amazing, amazing experiences with both of my kids. My son will be 13 at the end of this month, so I will have two teenagers in about three weeks, and they are so fun, and they're hilarious, and we get to talk about a bunch of stuff, and I'm just, I'm really excited about them and their lives and who they're becoming, and it's still really messed up, because then there's those other times where it's like, Are you freaking kidding me? Right now? What is happening, right and the weight of fear, like the possible the range of possible outcomes.

I mean, we forget that the vast majority of teenagers grow into healthy, contributing, cooperative members of society. Because who do we hear about? We hear about the freak shows. We hear about the drug overdoses. I mean, teen moms have their own shows. You know, school shooters, bullies. We hear about the awful, that's what, that's what. You know, news sells, right? That's what we hear about, and we forget that the vast majority of the time, right? The probability that our kids, that those stories are going to be about our kids, it's just not that big. And even so, I know for me, I'm a total disaster. I have to check myself right, because it's always dead in a ditch, and that feeling of being of having no control is killing me, right? I was reading Dr Shefali his book, out of control, and she has whole. It's really good. Of course, if you are not familiar with Dr shefalis work, you got to get in there, because she is all about, you know, parenting really being a spiritual journey and an opportunity for us to get it together for our kids and through our kids, really, I mean, our kids. You've heard me say this, come to us as teachers, right? And we can either see the growth opportunities or not, right? And we, when we don't grow, we're basically handing over all of our issues to our kids, as in, like, I didn't really want to do the work. So here I'm going to hand this to you. Good luck during your lifetime. You do your work. And she says that part of the reason that we punish our kids is because of that feeling of lack of control, right, and how uncomfortable it is to be out of control. And we we grasp for whatever we can do to feel like we can be back in that place of controlling the situation. And guess what? We can't, you know, in spoiler alert, we can't control our teens. We can try all we want to manipulate them through taking away their video games, taking away their phones, taking away their car keys, or, you know, rewarding them through if you do this, you get this right, but ultimately, in the end, you know, they can say, Nope, I'm not playing that game. I'm doing what I want. And that is really super crazy for someone like me, who turns out is really uncomfortable with handing over control, and you know that's just, that's just what I get to work with. Hey, listeners, I'm just popping in real quick to remind you that one of the ways that you can work with me is through private one on one coaching. I am a certified positive discipline trainer as well as a certified life coach, and I love working one on one with clients to tease apart the challenges that they're having, as well as help them build a foundation around being the kind of parent that they want to be. If you are interested in learning more about coaching, you can go to www dot, joyful courage.com/coaching, that's WWW dot, joyful courage.com/coaching, and if you're interested, you are welcome to schedule a free 20 minute explorer call with me at any time. Back to the show. You know, we all have our own stories. We all have what we've decided to. Learn this is what I think. Okay, I'm gonna get a little woo woo with all of you. And I know you all come with your own spiritual beliefs and total respect for everyone and all of your variety of spiritual beliefs. I'm gonna tell you a little bit about mine. I've been reading a lot of Carolyn Meese. Oh my gosh. She's amazing, and she is someone who talks about how our souls really decide, before we come to this planet what it is that we want to learn from this lifetime, and then other souls say, Great, I'm going to help you learn that, and I'm going to be your child. I'm going to be your father. I'm going to be your husband. And through our relationship, you're going to have the opportunity to learn that lesson, right? And so we've decided, I believe we've decided, what we want to learn, and then resistance shows up and gets in the way, and we don't find ourselves learning because we're so caught up in the resistance of what it is that's unfolding in front of us, right? And that makes sense, because it's scary and there's something bigger going on. Plus, you know, I'm a positive discipline trainer. Positive Discipline is all about belonging and significance. It's moving away from feeling less than and towards a feeling of connection and knowing that we matter and remembering that it's all about perception, right? It's all about perception. I remember last year a particular conversation that I had with my daughter, and she just was so angry all the time. She was so angry and and didn't want anything to do with the family, and spent all of her time in her room and was in tears and wouldn't share. And it was really awful. And I can remember sitting in the car with her and just watching her Silent Tears, right? And saying, what? What's What is this? What's going on? And she said, you and daddy and Ian, you're just so perfect, and I don't feel like I fit. And that broke my heart, right? That broke my heart. And I was like, Oh my gosh. I pretty much told you to f off last week. I don't know how that's perfect, you know, I wanted to bring up evidence of how we were not, in fact, perfect. But it didn't matter, because it was her perception, right? It was her perception. And, you know, we want and so I really grateful that I have this positive discipline background, and I'm still feeling like, Oh my gosh. What have I done? What am I doing? What do I do? Right? What do we do when we know something is wrong without giving the message that they need to be fixed or that they're wrong or that they're not good enough. This is really what I'm struggling with, right, and that challenge of meeting them where they're at. So Rowan did go to a counselor last year, a lovely woman, and, you know, and I was able to text back and forth with her a little bit, and I kept hearing her say, you need to meet her where she's at. And then we went to a naturopath earlier this week. And again, we had this whole conversation about her anxiety and depression. And you know, I was really like, you know, Rowan, are you hearing what she's saying? Like, you have to be an active member of the team, and the naturopath turned her whole body towards me and said, You don't understand depression and anxiety. And totally called me out. And was really, basically, was like, You don't understand that what works for you around goal setting is not right now, what is actually going to work for her, and you offering that is actually adding to the stress and adding to the weight that she's already feeling so meeting them when they're where they're at, right and recognizing for myself that I thought I knew what that meant. And you know, here I am in this relationship with my daughter, who's really teaching me where my faults are right and what that means. And it's a dance right? It's a dance between like being in action and fixing versus validating and just being with her. So I'm really trying to practice that. And another thing that we talk about in positive discipline is the iceberg, right? I've done entire podcasts about the iceberg, the tip of the iceberg, right? With our teenagers who are struggling, what does the tip of the iceberg look like? They won't talk to you, they can't or won't. Don't identify what's wrong, I'm guessing can't there's tears, there's withdraw, or maybe it shows up as aggression or defiance or anger. They shut us out. They use drugs and alcohol. They might use sex. They might do weird things on social media. Right? Tip of the iceberg. Tip of the iceberg. You know, we might see that their grades are dropping, that they're changing up their friend group, or not interacting with friends, or letting go of activities that used to give them joy, right? It's like a bad after school special. For those of you that are old enough to remember after school specials, it's like a bad Netflix Original. That's what we'll talk that's what we'll call it today, in 2018

so that's the tip of the iceberg. Right under the surface, this is where we really want to go. There is hopelessness, there is fear, there is them not knowing what or how they actually are feeling like they don't even know how to identify it, feelings of disconnection, feelings of being out of control, anxiety and depression, all of that lives under the surface. And just like any other behavior, if we focus only on what we're seeing at the tip, we're not actually getting to the root. And I just want to be really transparent even as I say like, as I say this out loud, I am having an internal experience of Dang. That's important to remember,

right? Because I know all of this in my head. It is not always with me. In my moments with my teenager, when I'm feeling the weight of the fear or out of control, right in those moments, I tend to zero in on that tip of the iceberg stuff, and it really just feeds into it and makes everything worse, right? And I think the other thing that's really hard is there is a range, right? That's not all or nothing. It's not like our kids are either super involved ASB president play sports and love art and get straight A's or, you know, they're super depressed, and need you know inpatient treatment, there is so much that exists between those two, right? There's, and that's what, that's what kind of messes with me. Because I want to know how we navigate when we're in that middle space, which I think most of us, many of us, are right. So I don't think she needs in treatment, care, right? I don't think she needs, you know, anti you know, pharmaceutical antidepressants. We're trying a natural remedy through the naturopath called five HTP. I don't know if any of you know what that is, but it's a natural remedy that works with the serotonin and and we're giving it a try, right? But I don't know. I don't know, right? Plus, there's our own beliefs about mental health, and I'm going to be super honest, the first time I heard Rowan say I'm depressed, I was like, You're not depressed. And I really did not. I just didn't. I didn't believe her. I didn't think she knew what she was talking about. And when I look back, I acknowledge that I was afraid to call it what it was, because if we called it that, then it made it true. And if it was true, then I was really scared, because this was unknown territory. And again, those worst case scenarios of, you know, suicide, of course, was right there, right? Not to mention in my own upbringing, you know, we had some family drama when I was a teenager, and I was told, don't use that as a crutch. That was the message is, don't use the things that are happening in your life as a crutch. And that was really internalized. I didn't realize how internalized it was, of course, until I'm now confronted by my, my daughter's experience. So, you know, it's, it's so messy, right? It's so messy. And then this has been the most recent thing for me, in my experience, is how enmeshed we become, or I became. And you can tell me if this sounds familiar, but I'm going to get really vulnerable and just highlight something that I see showing up because of this dynamic that's alive in my. Family like I mentioned, I think I already mentioned this, my experience with needing approval from external places is, yeah, I'm a gold star junkie. Tell me how great I am. Right? Validate me, acknowledge me. I want it from my parents, and I'm noticing now that I'm I want it from my daughter, right? I want her to acknowledge me as a support for her. And it's not okay, it's no bueno, right? Because that's not her job. Her job is not to approve or disprove of me, nor is it my parents job. It's actually and this is where I was saying about that whole like, what our life lesson is. I think that I've come to learn and to grow my internal sense of worth and self, love and and being my own validation, right? And I think that once I'm I've really accomplished that it's going to free up my other relationships, right? Plus, I don't want to hand this baggage over to Rowan so that she needs to be constantly looking for external validation, right? Life happens for us. I believe this. I don't know if you've listened to my podcast with Jenna Phillips Ballard. I'll put a link in the show notes, but she's this amazing coach, facilitator, speaker, human, and she is like her message, she is, you know, her message is, life is happening for you, right? It's not happening to you. It's happening for you. And I really believe that, right? I believe that, I believe that everything happens for a reason, like all the cliches. And if this is true, if life happens for you, then this whole like, anxiety, depression thing that's happening is happening for me, it's also happening. If it's true that it's happening for me to be this part, you know, this role and this experience is a gift and an offering and a lesson, then I have to accept that it's also happening for Rowan, and that at some level, this experience that she's having as a 15 year old is working in her favor. We just, we just don't know what the outcome will ultimately be because of it, but I get to trust that it is happening for her, and that feels, you know, that feels like a lot of things, feels like a lot of things. And, you know, recently, just yesterday, I said to her, because I she's doing online school, I can see everything. I'm checking in with her all the time. I'm totally overbearing, and I'm learning to let go and to back off. And one of the ways that I did that is I told her, Hey, listen, I'm only going to get on your online. I'm only going to check your work once a week. And what I need is, on Sundays, I need us to both get out our planners, and all I need you to do is write in when your live classes are that will support me in supporting you. Now, there's lots of you know, there's lots of treatment options, right? And what we have chosen is, you know, we tried counseling. We've now gone to the naturopath, which felt pretty good. Rowan also sees my dear and wonderful friend, who's a Reiki intuitive, and that's where she's finding the most support. That's what we are doing. You do you? You make choices for your kids. Listen to them. Listen deeply and hear them without trying to fix them. Ask permission. This, again, is a list for me as well as for you, but ask permission before you want to share an opinion or give an offer. Give them space and trust that they will come to you trust them. Don't be afraid to go big. If things feel really off, if you are getting this intense feeling like something is really wrong, you put them in the car and you go get the professional help that that is available, right? Ask them hard questions. If you're worried about their drug use. If you're worried about that they're cutting or that they're they might be suicidal, like straight up, ask, let them know I love you so much. And I'm worried, and this is what I'm noticing, and I'm wondering, tell me about that i. I get support, talk to each other, and I don't mean talk to your family. I mean moms and dads that are listening. Talk to other moms and dads. Seek out other moms and dads with kids your age, and say, Hey, how's it going, and can I share? You get to be picky about who those people are, but don't be afraid, because something really powerful happens when you sit down across the table with your friend at Starbucks and you say, here's what's going on with me. And they say, that is a mirror image of what I'm experiencing. It is super powerful. And let's all just quit dismissing teens by saying everybody feels that way, because even if it's true, this is not what they need to hear. They need to feel seen and heard. Check your expectations at the door, right? You may have expected to have, you know, the superstar teenage valedictorian, blah, blah, blah, and that's not who they are, and you get to accept exactly who they are and accept that this, whatever this is, whatever this current challenge is, is simply a part of your parenting story. Take care of yourself. All right. Really take care of yourself. Check your codependency. Check your enmeshment. Back off if you need to trust them again and get help. Like I said, get help. Nami.org, is a wealth of information. N, a, m, i.org

not to mention Google. You know, find support in your area. Find find a parent support group, right? Because just as they're going through their stuff, we are going through our stuff with them. So find support. You are not alone. You are not alone. And I say all of this, all of this to you, and I'm saying it to myself, we will get to the other side of this, my friends, and only we get to decide if we go through this time of our lives or if we grow through this time of our lives. And I'm opting into growing, and I hope that you do too. And if you've listened to this podcast and it has resonated with you, and you are feeling like, yes, yes, yes. Please reach out. Please let me know. Okay, I am working on some programming for parents of tweens and teens, some support groups. I would love to do a group coaching with just with parents of teens. I'm here, right? I don't have all the answers, but I am seeking them, and I know you are too. So be in touch. Let me know what's happening for you. Reach out. Speak up. Speak up, because we need each other. We need each other. All right. Big Love to you this week, thanks for listening. Joyful courage community. You're amazing. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcast, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention cards, bracelets. E course offers the membership program, one on one coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look. Simply head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.