Eps 150: Solo Show! Getting Real About Transitioning Into Summer

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, my friends, yes, a place to be inspired, informed and hopefully entertained on the parenting journey, I'm your host. Casey arordi, parent coach, positive discipline trainer, and even more importantly, mother to two children who teach me every single day about how to practice showing up in a way that is helpful, connected and humble, who also point out when I am not showing up that way, when we choose into joyful courage, we are choosing into rejoicing in the opportunities for self growth and discovery that exist on the parenting journey. Yes, I did say rejoicing in those opportunities, and it's work, but so worth it. The path we are searching for is in our practice. Super grateful you're here to practice with me. Thank you so much for being a part of the community. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody. Welcome back to the joyful courage Podcast. I'm so glad that you tune in. Thank you. I appreciate you a lot more than you know. Actually, this podcast and the community of joyful courage is really serves me as equally, if not more than it serves you. I am really grateful for the space to hold, for people to show up authentically and honestly and raw. And if you are someone who follows joyful courage, you know that I also show up that way, and I am realizing that part of my mission is is holding this space, is being willing to be authentic and true and transparent on this parenting journey. Because, you know, it doesn't really matter what you choose as far as your quote parenting style, whether you are, you know, positive discipline, or conscious parenting, or hand in hand parenting, or, you know, fill in the blank. It's hard. It's hard. And I'm coming on today recording on what is the last day of school for my two children. So my son is moving into seventh grade, so he's just finishing sixth grade, and my daughter is moving on from freshman year to sophomore year, and we are really feeling the transition, and emotions are really high right now, and both my kids are actually flying to California for a few weeks to be with family. And I'm going to be honest, I'm excited for the break. I'm excited for the break because things have been high intensity, especially the last four or five days. And the reason that I'm sharing this is because I just, I just think it's really important to pull the curtain back on the parent gig. You know, I am not really subscribed to the idea that we need to like trash and and trash talk and and really get ugly with complaining about the parenting journey. I think it's equally as damaging, however, to pretend that everything is perfect, and if you just are a good, you know, parent, and you do the right things and you have the right consequences and rules in place that somehow everything is rosy. More and more I'm recognizing that actually my work is to show up for all of you and give voice to the parents out there who deeply love and care about their children and are having a hard time, because it's hard. It's hard. And you know, between the hard times, in my experience, there's also some really sweet moments, some really connected and tender and loving moments, but the pendulum swings hard, and so I just want to give voice to that. And now here we are. We're moving into summer, right? We're moving into summer, which means the kids are around more. Often, routine has just totally been overturned. I know some of you are homeschool parents, and I love you. I love my homeschool listeners, and I know you're like people get get over yourselves. But for those of us that have kids in the traditional school setting, summer can be jarring, right? And this is the first summer for me where I have this office space. My kids are at home, and I'm really thinking about what I can do to balance right, to balance for them. We we don't do a lot of camps. So what does it look like? There is. I did a great episode this time last year with Melissa Benaroya. I'll put the link in the show notes just about summer and summer routines. But I think that it is so important. I know that it is so important to be really explicit, like, think about what it is that you want most for the summer, even maybe starting with, how do you want your summer to feel, what do you want the overall vibe to be? And then from that place, think about things like screen time and contributions and structured time and free time, and really kind of create your ideal situation. And then, you know, talk to your kids. What is their ideal summer look like? What do they want to do? What is, you know, right now, my teenager basically has said, I just want to be with my friends all the time. So okay, what is that going to look like? What is connecting with the family going to look like with the 15 year old who really doesn't want anything to do with the family right now? How can we create a win, win and a both and so, yeah, so this is, you know, this is really important, and I think a major piece of it with in my experience, because I get really irritated by just especially around the screens, feeling like everybody's on the screens all the time and taking advantage and blah, blah, blah, right? But when I step out and look at it, I realize we have very flimsy guidelines right now around screens and so, you know, the kids really are just kind of rolling with it, of course, because that's what works for them. So it becomes really important then to be clear in our expectations, not only be clear in our expectations, but also ask for input from the kids, you know, sharing, being really honest about our our experience with it, but then also opening up and tell me what your experience is, and really listening to Understand, right? Really listening to understand and get the perspective of the child, because really, what you're listening for is information that you don't have. You've heard me talk about this many times, right? We make a lot of assumptions, thinking that we know exactly what it is that is going on for our kids, and we simply don't. And so a great way to, you know, create some boundaries and expectations, is to go to them and to be really curious and to and to be non judgmental. So this is some of the feedback that I got recently from my child. Quote, You are so judgmental, and you have to be right all the time. End quote, so what I am practicing is keeping my mouth closed, right? I'm practicing not biting at every little offer that she's making. Do you know what I mean by that? Like, um,

uh. So there's things that my child will say, and it's almost, it's bait, right? It's, it's bait. I don't know that she's like, I don't think that she's consciously like, hahaha, I'm gonna hook my mom and do some ridiculous conversation. I don't think that it's that thought out, but she throws things out at me, and I'm like, oh my god, are you serious? Or that's not true, or I take the bait, and then all of a sudden, we're having a ridiculous argument, and I am full of emotion, like I'm full of physical sensation. You know, I've talked about the crazy train. You all know, I'm writing this book, so this is another way that the Crazy Train shows up for me. Is it's not necessarily explosive. It's not, you know, me totally falling apart, but it is this, like, like an alien takes over my body and I'm in. This place of like, God, what? Why are we here again? Why are we having this conversation? And it's not helpful, so really starting to notice your own patterns, right? And this can come up when we're talking about routines, when we're talking about expectations for the summer, and you have your ideal, like you have your, you know, vision of awesome summer and then your kids ideal is super contradictory. You know, what do you do with that? Well, don't take it personally. First of all, note to self, as well as all of you, don't take it personally. Remember that ultimately they want to feel connected. And as our kids get older, they want to feel connected with the family. Yes, I think that is more of a out of consciousness experience like feeling connected with the family, while also even more so feeling connected to their peers, so looking for ways to offer that to hold that space while giving them the opportunity to also feel that significance right, feeling like they matter, feeling like they have influence, feeling like they have a voice. And as our kids get older, feeling like they're not being controlled. Because it turns out that feeling like they're being controlled is not useful to teenagers, and we get to be the leaders, right? We the parents get to be the leaders. And so it's this it's this balance, right? It's this balance of leadership, connection, inquiry and space. And it's really challenging, right? I know for me, it's really challenging. I mean, I'm super judgmental, and I like to be right all the time. Turns out, and you know, when she said that to me, this is the sad thing. I am super judgmental, and I do like to be right all the time. I mean, ask anyone who's close to me, and it's like, yep, that's a pretty good assessment. And you know what? I grew up. I was a teenager in a family, lots of lots of love, wonderful, amazing parents, but felt judged a lot. Had this story about being judged all the time and not enough, and now here I am, as the mom, and I am a part of creating that story for my daughter. So you'd think like, Okay, well, then Casey, if you know that experience, then what's your problem? It's sneaky. It's a sneaky way of being I don't even realize it's happening when it's happening. So yesterday, I was on a mission like, Okay, I'm gonna look for opportunities to keep my mouth closed, right? My daughter would say things, do things. And instead of, instead of responding with what comes to mind right away, I decided, You know what, I'm just gonna practice not saying anything and just letting her be. I saw this meme. What was it? It said something like, our job as parents is to show our children the world but not tell them what they see, or something like that. And that was really that hit home hardcore for me, because I am, I am totally that person that's like, this is the way the world is. This is what you should think about it. And if you don't, there's something wrong with you, and that is not useful. It's not useful in conversations with my father, and it's not useful in raising my children, because I want them to come to their own opinion. I want them to question and research and think about their sources. And how can I want that? How can we foster that, while also saying, Well, this is the way it is, and I'm your mom, so you should just believe me. I don't know you guys, it's just really wild over here right now. And I know that I am not alone. I know that I am not alone. Some of you, I've, I mean, I've been fielding Facebook messages and private clients. You know, this is really hard, this adolescent slash teen years. And those of you that are listening with small children, sorry, sorry, I hope that I'm not totally freaking you out. However, it's real. Real, right? It's real. And I know that, you know some of you have young kids that put you in in this emotional state, like some of you are handling three year olds or six year olds or 10 year olds, that you know you're already noticing. You know that it's really hard, and you know that you love them deeply, but you don't always like them. I think my point well, I started off talking about summer and routines, so let's swing back around there, um, summer routines. But also my point in all of this is we just get to keep learning and we just keep get to keep growing, and we get to catch ourselves because this is, this is big, right? So catch ourselves when we're trying to chip away at the top of the iceberg. And if this is your first joyful courage podcast that you're listening to, you're probably like, Oh my God, why would I listen to a show where this lady's just talking about, how crazy does dev teenagers? No, there's a lot of other shows that you can listen to, one of which I from, I think the fall maybe that I talk about the iceberg metaphor, or maybe it was the winter. Anyway, I'll put a link in the show notes. But the iceberg, you know, tip of the iceberg is the behaviors that you see. Tip of the iceberg are the things that you just want to stop or go away. Under the surface, what you don't see are your child's mistaken beliefs about belonging and significance and influence. It's the you know, the beliefs that they have that are coloring the lens that they see the world out of, right and the more we chip away at the top, the more those behaviors just continue to surface. But when we can get under the surface, and when we can connect, or at least, you know, I say, when we can connect, but when we can really get to the belief, the misguided belief that our children have, then we have something that we can do something about, right? And by do something about, I don't mean fix. I do mean recognize and look for opportunities to help your child in creating a different belief, and it's hard and it's painful. It can be really painful when our kids are having a hard time with their peers, when they see themselves in a way that is so different than how we see them. I mean, we see these amazing people right with so much ahead of them, and they are stuck in the day to day struggle. It's really, really painful. So again, my love to all of you, friends and clients and people that I don't know that are listeners. I see you. I'm with you. I know the struggle. It's hard, and and it's, it's exactly where we're meant to be right now. It's exactly where we're meant to be right now. I have no doubt in my mind that my daughter was placed on this earth chose me, really, to teach me how to surrender, how to let go, how to be at peace with the unknown. I have no doubt that that is her work in our relationship, while also, you know, her own work of developing as a human but she's here to teach me, and so how long am I going to resist the lessons, right? How long am I going to resist the lessons that she's offering to me? Because I'll tell you what, we had a great day yesterday when I didn't give in to my instinctive wanting to comment

to her bait, to her baiting me. We had a great day, and, you know, we had a great morning too. And I drove her to school with a friend, and she was being pretty sassy. And at one point I did look at her, and I was like, hey, rain it in a little bit. And she got it, you know, but,

yeah, relationship, right? Relationship, and also, like this other thing, as we are considering routines and boundaries and expectations, you know, and the fact that our kids make mistakes and do stupid things, especially when they're as they get older, what I'm really noticing as well is this interesting. So I've talked about kindness and firmness, and anyone who's familiar with positive discipline knows that's one of. Pillars really is being kind and firm, right? And often kindness and firmness are these two polar opposites, like you're either really, really firm, like the extreme of firm is authoritarian style, yelling, rules, punishment, do what I say, right, which often either results in rebellion or submission because of fear. And what is it that we ultimately want? There's also perceived order, right? And then on the other side, we've got, you know, really permissive, chaotic, do whatever you want. No no, no consequences either way. And I get that, oh my god. I totally get that right now. Like, just fine, do whatever. And then there's this kind and firm place in the middle. And what I'm noticing and what I'm hearing many people talking about coming to me privately and and just struggling with is how to be in the middle of that where, and there's no good models. Nobody's talking about it. I don't I mean, and if you're like, oh my gosh, Casey, you totally need to listen to blah, blah, blah, or read this book, like, send them my way, please. Because this place in the middle where we can be kind and firm, it feels super unsteady to me right now. It feels like I can't anchor in, like I can't really find my footing. Or there's these moments where I'm like, okay, there it is. Okay, we're here, and then off we go into the abyss. So, yeah, it's just all really, really interesting to me. And here we are at the cusp of the summer and the beginning of this really what feels like a very expansive time. Ha, and knowing myself and many others like order and like routine and like this, clean expectations. How do we create that? Well, really, the goal would then to be, create that with your kids, right? Create that, and it can be a family discussion, right? There can be flexible, like, where is flexibility? And really playing with flexibility and listening to what they want, and being really curious, you know, and and clear. Because, guess what, when the kids know what the expectations are, that is easier for them as well to meet those expectations. Plus it gives this like, neutral place where we can say, like, Okay, whew, I'm noticing that I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with the screen time. And our child can say, but look, here's our agreement, right here, Mom, this is what we agreed to. And actually, I'm inside the parameters of that. So it becomes this, like neutral third party, the agreement, or the routine, or I get to say, actually, this is what I'm noticing. This is what we've agreed to, and you've you're pushing against that. So creating something and noticing too. Like, I think a lot of us go into routines and agreements and already have it like, this is how I want it to be, and I can coerce them into agreeing to this, signing their name, and then I'm gonna lord it over them. Like, look what our agreement is not useful. Like, it really needs to be something that you create together. And that doesn't mean that they say, I want to play Fortnite for 10 hours a day. And you say, Well, okay, like, you get to have an opinion too. And you get to there, and there's non negotiables, right? There are some non negotiables. So anyway, coming to you today, talking about all this stuff, teasing it apart, giving you a glimpse into my world and yeah, loving you all along the way. I also want to say that this is the last solo episode that I'm going to do until September, so July and August, you will get shows every other week interviews. So I'm going to cut down taking a little bit of a break on the solo shows. So just wanted to let you know. So you're gonna have a couple weeks where there's not a new show that comes out. I may take some of the more popular shows and release them again from earlier in the podcast. That's something that I might do just to keep you. Like, okay, a new show, but the solo shows are going to be on a break till September. I know that we will all have a glorious summer. I know that it'll be filled with opportunities to grow and learn and stretch, and as always, I am here for you. I am here for you. And always, you can jump in to the membership program at any time. $69 a month, and you start with the very first theme, which is perspective. Each month, you get a webinar and weekly emails and two different group coaching calls that you can participate in. You also get half price in one on one coaching when you're a member, which I think is awesome. There are, there's the live in love with joyful courage, Facebook group, which is free and open to everyone. So if you're not a member there, come on over, and I am available as a coach. So if you are interested in coaching, reach out Casey at joyful courage.com I'm also going to be running some small group coaching I would love to put together, like a small group of teen parent parents of teens, right? A small group of parents of of school age kids, right, small group of parents of girls or boys. And kind of more topic oriented and as a way to just offer coaching at more of a discount. We learn from each other. Those little packages are four weeks. I'm keeping it to four participants, and it's an hour a week online, $99 for the full deal. So again, really individualized, support, camaraderie community, so be looking for that. I'm gonna be sharing all of that stuff in the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group, so make sure that you are a member over there. And yeah, big love to everybody. Big Love. I'm super grateful for all of you and all of your listening, and I know that you'll have a beautiful summer. Stay in touch. Bye. Joyful courage, community. You're amazing. Big. Thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann of pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion. Over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention cards, bracelets. E course offers the membership program, one on one coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look. Simply head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S, to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way, reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.