Eps 144: Solo Show – is Positive Discipline permissive? No.

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, my friends, yes, a place to be inspired, informed and hopefully entertained on the parenting journey, I'm your host. Casey arordi, parent coach, positive discipline trainer, and even more importantly, mother to two children who teach me every single day about how to practice showing up in a way that is helpful, connected and humble, who also point out when I am not showing up that way, when we choose into joyful courage, we are choosing into rejoicing in the opportunities for self growth and discovery that exist on the parenting journey. Yes, I did say rejoicing in those opportunities, and it's work, but so worth it. The path we are searching for is in our practice. Super grateful you're here to practice with me. Thank you so much for being a part of the community. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody. Whoa. Episode 144 being recorded from my brand new office space in downtown Monroe, Washington, so exciting you guys. Oh my gosh. It's such a cute space. I have this really fun bright yellow wall that my desk is near, so that now when I do Facebook Lives or webinars or group calls. My background is this beautiful, bright, sunshiny yellow. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I convinced my teenager and her girlfriend to come and help me paint, and found some really fun little red armchairs on Facebook, and I'm just getting things set up. And it feels really special. It feels really legit to be in my own office space, new headquarters for joyful courage. So awesome. Thank you for all the feedback about last week's show. So many of you love, love. Loved my conversation with Mary Jane Nelson's daughter, parent educator, family therapist. She's amazing, amazing, amazing. I'm so glad that I got the chance to have her on the show. And it got me thinking. And then I was prompted by something I read on Facebook yesterday, around talking about this whole concept of positive discipline. So yesterday I was, you know, doing my things, scrolling through Facebook, and I saw this post from a teacher, just talking about a particularly difficult class. And let me start by saying I was a teacher, and I know that the struggle is real, that kids show up to the classroom with all sorts of needs, some diagnosed, some not diagnosed, some definitely hidden under the surface. There's so much trauma happening in homes and in the classroom. And, you know, teachers have a really hard job. A lot of society thinks, oh, what's the big deal? You're just there to teach. How hard can it be? But the different personalities, the different temperaments, like I mentioned, the different needs that walk in the door are unreal. And, yeah, teachers are doing so much more than teaching the content areas that they were trained to do. And I have huge respect for teachers. We've had, you know, a variety of experiences with teachers, most of which has been really positive, you know? And I find that it's the teachers that are really skilled and understand the value of building relationships that tend to have the easier time in their classrooms. Anyway, side note, right? So, anyway, this, Facebook friend of mine who is a teacher and and someone that my child absolutely adores was just, you know, kind of just, she actually posted a anonymous letter from a teacher to a particularly entitled class of children, which no Big deal. I mean, like I said, so hard. The jobs the teachers do are so hard. What I thought was really interesting is one of the responses to her, to her post, was about, you know, it's this current. Different generation of parenting style that is creating this, you know, unruly sense of entitlement in the classroom. And then there was a couple other posts, and one of them named, you know, gentle parenting. And somebody else followed up with, you know, that helicopter parenting, where the mom and the dad think they have to be their kids friends, and there's no discipline or consequences. And, you know, I have been teaching positive discipline since 2007 so it's been a while. I've been practicing it with my own kids. Messy. It's messy. I don't practice it perfectly. I don't think anyone does, and there's definitely misconception around what positive discipline is, and positive discipline often gets lumped into, you know, gentle parenting, quote, positive parenting, and positive discipline is like capital P, capital D. It's an actual philosophy and theory, which includes really specific tools and strategies for supporting kids in developing life skills. And it's a mindset shift, right? It's a mindset shift around behavior so the traditional way of looking at behavior has been, you know, consequences and rewards will support kids in doing the right thing right if you punish them for the bad things and then you reward them for doing The right thing, that they will continuously choose into the right thing. So that's one mindset. That's one theory. The other theory is that kids do better when they feel better. Also, kids are always moving in the direction of belonging and significance. This concept is taken from Adlerian theory, right this belonging and significance piece. So I love this. I love this. And one of my mentors in Seattle has a great metaphor for this, and she calls it the shopping cart theory of human behavior. So pretend you know that we're pushing a shopping cart. In our culture, we believe, or the behaviorist, the punishment reward system theory, believes that behavior is kind of random, right the behavior is kind of random, and like a shopping cart with bad wheels, we have to train our kids to do the right thing by using, you know, a set of positive and negative incentives. So punishment on one side, rewards on the other, we make the the lane narrower, so that by the time the cart gets out the other end, it's it's going straight, right? So when we look at it through the lens of a leery in theory, which is the basis of positive discipline.

Alfred Adler, he thought, you know, that the cart had good wheels, and that the cart was always aiming towards belonging and significance even, you know, even as it gets off course, even as it does wonky things, ultimately what we want most, what kids want most, what humans want most, is belonging and significance. But they don't always have the skills and the tools to get that belonging and significance in socially useful ways, and so they get off course. So instead of using consequences and rewards to help them do the right thing, we get to focus on, how can we help our children feel connected and know that they matter, because that's ultimately what's going to help them in the end, to do the right thing. Now this is a big concept, and people get really worked up, right? Because there's this fear that if we don't punish our kids, if we don't lay down the law, that somehow we're doormats and they're going to walk all over us, and they're not going to do the right thing, and everybody's entitled, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it's a legitimate fear. I mean, I get that. I get that. And I think that, you know, another thing that we talk a lot about in positive discipline and in the parenting classes that I run is a lot of us, a lot of us in. An effort to not be permissive, we slide into that authoritarian model where it is control, control, control through punishment, consequences. Call them whatever you want, and lots of rules, and you better not break the rules and a lot of rewarding for good behavior. So we don't want to be permissive, so we err on the side of authoritarian, or there at other the other camp is we don't want to be that. We don't want to be rigid. We don't want to be, quote, mean, we don't want to, you know, be drill sergeants. We don't want to run our house like that. And so in an effort to not be that we slide into more permissive parenting. Neither one of these extremes is helpful in developing life skills for kids, right? One errors on the side of really, really firm, without a lot of connection, then the other one sides with really, really kind, without a lot of boundaries and limits, right? So what's in the middle? In the middle, there's this style that's called authoritative parenting, right? It's kind and it's firm, there is structure and there is freedom. And what you've heard me talk a lot about here on the podcast or in any of the courses that maybe you've taken with me, is that the most important and the most powerful tool we have for influencing behavior is the relationship we build with our children. In fact, this week of me recording this, that's exactly what we're talking about in the joyful courage Academy, the most important and powerful tool we have for influencing behavior is the relationship that we build with our kids when we don't have any boundaries, when we aren't willing to lay down limits and guidelines. That's not a solid relationship, right? If I'm in a relationship with somebody else and they're a doormat, or if I'm being a doormat, and they can walk all over me, that's not a that's not a good relationship, if there's no voice, if there's no, you know, freedom to be a part of creating the relationship, That's not a solid relationship either that's a dictatorship, right? If I'm not allowed to have an opinion, if I'm not allowed to use my voice, that's not a solid relationship. So when we talk about relationship being the most powerful tool we have for influencing behavior, we're talking about a relationship where there is mutual respect. Mutual respect sounds like I'm going to respect myself and the situation. I'm also going to respect the person in front of me. Mutual respect in this context, which I think I've said this on the POS, on the podcast before, mutual respect in this con text is not well you respect me, and I'll respect you, because there's this assumption that you know, three year olds can somehow be disrespectful. Disrespect takes intention, and three year olds do not care enough about us to be intentionally disrespectful doesn't mean they're easy. Doesn't mean they're always doing, saying, moving the right way, right quote, right, useful, convenient way. But you know, we get really worked up around respect, and I know the struggle is real. I have a 12 year old and a 15 year old, and I definitely feel disrespected at times, and I speak into it when that happens, right? I want my kids to know when they're being disrespectful. They don't always know that they're being disrespectful because they're kids, right? They're spastic, they're having their emotional experiences and responding from that place with very limited life skills, even our teenagers, right? Even our teenagers, those life skills are still in development. The other thing around relationship is relationship invites both people into problem solving. Really great relationships. People respect the ideas, the thoughts, the solutions of the other person, and they want to hear it right. And the other piece too is dignity. Dignity is the state or the quality of being worthy of honor or respect. So. Where dignity is The state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect positive discipline, the come from is we are equally everybody is worthy of dignity and respect. It's not you don't have to earn being treated with dignity, right? It's not something you earn through your behavior. Yeah? So when we So, let's look at this. So when we move into that more permissive style of parenting, when we helicopter and hover or lawn mower, which is like smoothing out anything that is going to get in our kids way. So it's easy, easy to go, you know, easygoing or permissive. When we solve our kids problems for them or swoop in, we're robbing our children of the discomfort of learning from their mistakes. It's not helpful, right? Permissive parenting is 100% not helpful to our kids. It robs them of the opportunity of making things right and fixing things when they screw up. It robs them of the opportunity for problem solving, for accountability, for ownership, right. Entitlement does exist inside of permissive parenting, right? There's no opportunity to develop responsibility. When your parent is doing everything for you, there's no opportunity to develop resiliency of seeing that they can get to the other side of any challenge if they work hard and figure it out. Right? On the other hand, authoritarian parenting, right? That really, really firm but lacking connection parenting that also robs kids of opportunities when we parent from a place that threatens punishment for making mistakes, kids no longer have the luxury of learning how to really think through the decision making process. Instead, they learn either, well, I better not do that because I don't want to get in trouble, or I better not get caught, versus, is this a good idea for me? Is this something that is a good idea for me? What's going to happen on the other side of this is this something that I might regret? Right? Authoritarian parenting can often lead to a lack of respect in the relationship, right? The kids you know, also slip into, you know, screw you. I'm going to do whatever I want, watch me, right? Or feelings of, you know, self esteem issues, self confidence issues, because there's no faith in them. As kids, they or the expectations are so high, or there's no room for mistakes. So, you know, I just, I just wanted to take a little time today and really get clear about what is positive discipline? What is this whole movement of parenting in a way that is supportive and loving, while also,

you know, throwing down boundaries? And I know that it's hard, right? It's hard because, and I'm in it, right? I'm in it with my own kids. I've been confronted and bumped up against undesirable behavior from my children, and I have a choice. I can fly off the handle because I'm afraid or because I know it's destructive, and I know that it's something that could lead them down a really bad road, and I could, you know, lay down some really severe consequences. You're grounded. Give me your phone. You know, you can't hang out with that person. You can't, you know, go out in the world. You know, fill in the blank on the different consequences that we can come up with. Or I can say, Wow, tell me more about that, right? Tell me more about that decision. How did it feel? What might happen in the long run? What would your what is your future self want? That's a conversation I've been having a lot with my daughter, like, what does your future self want? Even as simple as, you know, at 730 she's tired, she wants to take a shower, but she doesn't want to get up. You know, I sent her a message, and I said, you know, your future self from 20 minutes, that exists in 20 minutes from now, is going to be so stoked if she's done with her shower, don't you think, right? So, you know, I mean, just like helping them, I want my kids to come up to a decision, a choice in life, and think, Is this really going to start? Serve me like, What am I going to feel like at the other side of this who is going to be impacted by this decision? I want them to have the practice of doing that, and the only way that they're going to value that is if they are confronted by those choices and they,

you know, and they have the freedom to make the choice. And on the other side, when the choice was not an ideal, choice was not something that I'm really thrilled with, instead of belittling at them and berating them, and, you know, and coming down on them, it just sounds like, let's explore where you're at now, because you did that, how does that feel? Now? Does that mean there's no consequences? I mean, no, our kids are always showing us what they're capable of, right? What how much they can handle, how responsible they are. So if something that they do shows us, wow, clearly this is a little too much freedom for you, we get to say, I'm pulling in the line. I'm pulling in the amount of space that you have for exploring the world when it comes you know, I've had a lot of conversations lately about technology and cell phones. Yes, you need to have agreements. You need to have guidelines and just a follow up. You all know that Delaney Bronston was on the podcast a few weeks ago the screenagers gal and I came clean on that show about Rowan having her phone in her room overnight, and how she had said, Oh no, I can put it away. I'm managing myself. And Delaney was like, No girl, you got to get that phone out of her room. So filling you all in, the phone gets plugged in in the hallway at nine o'clock, sometimes 930 but always by 930 on on school nights. So, you know, it wasn't easy, and Rowan didn't like it, and I got to stand in my kindness and firmness. I was not angry, I was not overly mean, but I said, this is happening, and I know you don't like it, and that's okay, but we get to have a guideline here, right? And you know that's that is. That's one place where I get to be firm. I get to be firm, and when I'm not firm, I can feel it in my body, like when something feels really like I'm not so sure about that. That is a total indication from my body that I am not in alignment with what I know to be true, with my values, with what the kids need. So I talk, also, in my work with parents, and on here, on the podcast, I talk a lot about the body. You know, there is so much wisdom there. All the time, our body is talking to us and telling us and giving us, you know, instinctual hits and intuitive hits, pay attention. Trust it. Practice right. That's going to be more useful to you than a long list of consequences if your kids ever do x, y z, because what I'm learning is kids do x, y z, I did. You probably did, and we got to trust that they're going to learn more from bad decisions than us lecturing them on why they shouldn't make bad decisions. And you know, not all kids. There's absolutely kids that get through high school and college, and you know, are there rule followers? They want to just do the right thing? Great, awesome. Don't expect that that's your kid. I did. It turns out that's not my kid. But you know what? We are in the most fantastic relationship, and she talks to me about the stuff that's going on, and I get to be a supportive listener who also at the right times after I've asked permission, offers some pretty sound questions and judgments and opinions and advice, and that is making a difference in how she is looking at the world. So for all of you out there, well, I know that I'm speaking to the choir because you all must have at least some inclination towards positive disciplinary Why would you be listening to this podcast? But for all the people in your life that say it's just permissive parenting, you get to say, actually, it's not here. Listen to this podcast. This gal explains it to you. We want kids who are contributing cooperative. Members of society. We want to raise our kids to develop and grow their life skills. That is what positive discipline is all about inside of a really healthy relationship. So that's what's on my mind today. I hope that that's useful. If you listened last week, you heard me talk about Patreon, so I'm really excited. I'm super excited. A lot of you have reached out and said, How can I support the podcast? You get a lot of value from each week's show. You want to be in contribution. You want to be able to give back to joyful courage. So I have a way for you to do that, super exciting, and it's called patreon.com/joyful courage. Head on over to that website. And there's three different ways that you can be in support of the show. Each way is like a monthly contribution, and they're really small, you guys. So the first level of contribution is you can give $1 a month. You can give $1 a month to joyful courage, and that goes directly towards this program and the work that I'm doing. Yay. And then, or you can decide, if you can afford it, you could give $5 a month, $5 a month, that would put you know that again, is an opportunity for you to be in contribution to the cost of the show. And finally, the third way to contribute is you can be give. You can give $10 a month. Yay. That would be amazing. Giving $10 a month to a show where I come on live every week of every month, I offer you amazing interviews with some incredible people. I share myself through the solo episodes. I know that you get value from the show because I hear from you, which is so great. I love hearing from you. I see the download numbers. If you are feeling like you know what? Yes, I would like to give back. I would like to be in contribution. Here's a great way to do it. Go to patreon, P, A, T, R, e o n.com/joyful, courage, and you can become a patron of the show, and once I get to a certain amount, I'm going to start to do monthly webinars for or coaching calls or Q and A's, I'm not quite sure, but I'm going to start offering perks for the people that are patrons of the show. So go check it out. Go look at the website. See what you think, see how you feel. But love, love, love for you to become a patron. That would be amazing. And yeah, and just let me know what you think about this whole parenting style topic and the positive discipline way and all that good stuff. I love getting feedback from you. I love hearing from you. I love knowing what lands what doesn't land, how I can better serve you. So let me know. You can always send me an email at Casey, at joyful courage.com, you can send me messages via Instagram or Facebook. Let me know what you think, and it'll be great. I'm super excited for next week's show. I have Debbie Reber coming on from tilt parenting to talk about her new book. Yeah, you're not going to want to miss that until then. Big Love mwah. Have a beautiful day. Joyful courage. Community. You're amazing. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper, be sure to join in the discussion. Over at the live and love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcast, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention cards, bracelets. E course offers the membership program, one on one coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look simply head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S, to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to [email protected] I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay