Eps 135: Solo Show – Follow up of the Politics Show and Letting go of Attachment

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, my friends, yes, a place to be inspired, informed and hopefully entertained on the parenting journey. I'm your host. Casey awardee, parent coach, positive discipline trainer, and even more importantly, mother to two children who teach me every single day about how to practice showing up in a way that is helpful, connected and humble, who also point out when I am not showing up that way, when we choose into joyful courage, we are choosing into rejoicing in the opportunities for self growth and discovery that exist on the parenting journey. Yes, I did say rejoicing in those opportunities, and it's work, but so worth it. The path we are searching for is in our practice. Super grateful you're here to practice with me. Thank you so much for being a part of the community. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody. It's

Speaker 1 1:10
a solo show today.

Casey O'Roarty 1:15
It's a solo show, and I am super stoked to be here with you and to show up and check in. Yeah. So two weeks ago, I spoken to my truth, and it was pretty awesome. What I'm referring to is the show that went out on March, no February, something February 27 that was me speaking into politics and parenting, and when I initially hit publish on that, I noticed that I was feeling both resolve and a little bit of fear. Right up until that day, I had let fear of not being liked, fear of confrontation keep me from saying some of the things that I believe with my whole heart and when that show went live, the day that Show went live, you know, as it unfolded, I noticed that I was a bit more aware of the fact that I had a show go live, a bit more on edge about the content, mostly just hoping that it landed with all of you, because First and foremost, I see this podcast and my calling as being in service to you, and that's an interesting thing, right? Being in service to you while also having some really strong opinions, and I can get in my head about, well, you know, I don't want to say things that you know that are that are my opinion, like I have opinions. And when I think about my audience, I know that we don't all share those opinions however. You know when you have those experiences and there's just that Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock at the door. There's that feeling of, I gotta, I gotta say something right now. So I was having that experience and with the shooting and everything and and I just, I just couldn't be silent, so I went for it. And what I realized about halfway through the day that that show went live, was that while I was aware, and while I was aware that my vulnerability right, that I got real vulnerable and made it super public, the way that I was experiencing that had shifted. And really it wasn't fear that was coming alive, it was excitement. I was so excited to hear the feedback, even knowing that I might not it might not all be positive, that I might be hearing from people you know, that they disagreed with me, or that they didn't want to hear about my opinion, whatever, I was just so excited to think that I put something so powerful out. And by powerful, I mean. Uh, raw and real and authentic, that it would spur people to share with me, right? And I could learn from whatever the feedback was. And it felt like this scat like, like, not scaffolding, but almost like this mud cast like this, like as if I had been my little spirit. My little spirit had been encased in like dry plaster or mud. And throughout the day, it was as if my spirit broke through that. And it was an experience of, I'm not afraid to be seen. I'm not afraid to be my most authentic truth. And it was so, so freeing. And, you know, I think that that plaster, that encasing that I had been existing insight of I think it, you know, we build that over time, right? We build that over time to keep ourselves safe and to avoid pain, right? And for me, the deepest pain comes from my idea or my attachment to what rejection and abandonment feels like, and so in order to not have to experience rejection and abandonment, I learned over time to be a people pleaser and to not be too over the top. Although any of you that know me personally, know that I can be over the top, but there is a there is a line, you know, there's this line that that isn't crossed because I don't want to offend, I don't want to be misunderstood or misperceived, or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fill in the blank, right? But I'm not afraid of that anymore, and letting go of my attachment to that has opened up the possibility that rejection and abandonment are actually neutral, right? I mean, when I think about friends in my life, a couple of friends come to mind a couple gals who I so admire, their willingness and ability to be, you know, to say, I don't care what people think, and to be in their authenticity all the time and put it all out there. And, you know, without fear, and I, you know, I would sit and just, oh, my gosh, that's so amazing. I wish I could do that. And it's not that I can't, because I can, right? And I might lose a couple people along the way, but, you know, like, I think about what Brene Brown has written about belonging, and if we're not being our authentic selves in our relationships, then that's we don't truly belong, right? We only truly belong when we are inside of our relationships as our most authentic self and loved anyway you

right? And so in this community, this joyful courage, community that we are all a part of, I would like to invite each and every one of you to step in, in your full expression, in your full authenticity. And if that means that you need to send me an email and say, Casey, I love your show, always start with connecting before correcting, and then you need to follow it with, here's something that you know that bothered me, or here's something that maybe you want to think about. Do you remember back last fall when I got the email from the dad who said, Hey, I really like your show. And sometimes I feel like I've walked into the ladies room because you speak to your audience as if it's all women, and I just want you to know that I listen. That was him stepping into his authenticity, and I got to receive that feedback and shift some of the language that I use on the show so that I could be more inclusive, because ultimately, that's what I want. And if what I wanted was a show for women, I could have said, Wow, I'm so glad that you listen, and actually I am speaking to the women, right? Then I could have said that, but that's not my come from. My come from is this show is for everyone. So I was so glad to get that feedback. And if you ever have feedback like that for me, please bring it to me. If that's your truth, if that's your authenticity, speak into it, right? And look for places in your life that you can do that. Because the reason that I'm talking about this today is I can't I just want to share with you the unfolding of this parents and politics show. So the show went live, I got more feedback about that show on. Social media in private messages through email, I heard from so many of you how grateful you were that I was talking about what I was talking about. You told me that sharing my action steps has inspired and motivated you to take action steps in your communities, and you know, you just felt very moved that I would show up on the platform that I have and be so real and raw and emotional. So I got more feedback around that than any other show that I've done. Thank you for that. Thank you for that. The other thing I want to say is, it's two weeks later, what have I done? So I wanted to give you kind of a recap, right? So I had said I would go to the principal's meeting. I went. There was about 10 parents there, and a handful of which I knew by the end, and this was for the middle school here in town. By the end of the meeting, I had said yes to being on the PTA board for the middle school. I do not know how that happened. It was very fast. I think I was, I think it was witchcraft. I'm just kidding. So yeah, and so being able to then show up at the PTA board meeting last night and offer myself as a resource, right again, navigating through this place where I go, where I don't always speak up, because I don't want to one take over. I don't want to seem like a No at all. Basically, I don't want to be judged. I think that what I'm learning about myself is I have this perception that people are going to judge me. Now maybe that is an invitation for me to look at the way that I judge others. Could be a good learning experience for me. But again, it's that attachment to how other people see me. And so at the meeting last night, I really decided, like, you know what? No, I am here in service to the middle school kids and their families. And if I have an idea, or if I have some thoughts about ways of spending money or holding events or whatever, if I mean, I have, I'm a resource, I'm going to speak up. And it was so fantastic. And I get to go meet with the principal tomorrow morning. Later today, it's Thursday, the eighth, I'm going to our local community coalition meeting. So I'm following through with that where the conversation is going to be around, bringing some important documentaries into town and holding panel discussions afterwards. So things are happening. I met with the leadership teacher at the high school who I totally love, oh my gosh, she's awesome. And just got to, again, offer myself as a resource. I work. I've worked in schools, I've been a teacher. I do this positive discipline work, you know, to hold back and here's the here's the message, right, to hold back and not offer yourself as a resource, to hold your gifts and keep your gifts to the world inside is selfish, right? It's selfish. So it's been selfish of me not to enter into my community because of my fear of judgment and confrontation and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I've really, I've done so much work, right? And I have taught parenting classes here in town. A lot of my work is online. The podcast, obviously, is, you know, International, which is fabulous, but I've been pretty quiet in my own home community and and I want to say sorry to all of you that are listening, that are from my town, like, sorry about that, but now I'm stepping into it. I'm stepping into my truth, and I'm starting at a very local level. So I'm sharing this because my hope is that you're hearing me talk about things that you also struggle with, that you also play with, because the fear of the unknown is so much greater than the actual unknown, right the fear of judgment and rejection, and so keeping our mouths shut and our opinions to ourselves and and not stepping in and taking the risk of saying, Hey, I have an idea, is a disservice to the world. So stop doing that. Stop creating excuses for why you keep yourself small. And as I'm saying that to you listeners, I'm saying that to myself as well, because I am done with all the excuses. I'm done with all the excuses. Hey there, just interrupting this solo show to remind you that you have about two and a half weeks to go to sign up for the joyful courage 10. It's a free 10 day deep dive into bringing more intentionality, consciousness, awareness into your parenting practice. It's like a it's like a cleanse of sorts. It's like a. Boot camp that will, in the end, support you in creating practices and rituals that will help you be more available, more present, more non judgmental in your parenting practice. So check it out. Go over to www dot joyful courage.com/jc. 10, www, dot joyful courage.com/jc. 10, sign up today. So excited, being done with all the excuses, right? Deciding that we are going to take action, deciding that we are going to be more authentic, more honest, more vulnerable. Is also an invitation to recognize where we are attached to outcome. Okay, where we are attached to outcome. And do you know what I mean when I say that? So you know, there's so many places, there's so many places where attachment gets in our way. And I'm not talking about like Attachment Parenting, that kind of attachment. I'm talking about when you know something plays out and it's not how you thought it would be, and then the disappointment, the defeat, the blaming, the shaming that shows up, whether it's focused outward towards the other people or inward towards yourself. So when we talk about being attached, how many of us are attached to the idea that good moms have clean homes and make all the meals from scratch and never yell right? How many of us raise your hand? If you're like, Yeah, I kind of definitely hold that ideal. Okay, great, great. I know that your hand is up. And if it isn't, my guess is, you know, there's some version of that that does ring true for you, that there is some version of, if I was just, you know, X, Y or Z, fill in the blank. Then I'd be a good mom if I can make it through the day without, you know, being distracted by my phone. If I could, you know, make it through the day without yelling at my kids. Then, you know, then I know I'm a good mom. Then it's a good day, right? And so we set ourselves up, and then we're attached to that outcome, and then anything less than that outcome, what are we? We failed, we did a bad job, right? We do the same thing with our kids, and our kids behavior, right, respect looks a certain way. Manners look a certain way. Grades, right, the way that they perform on sports teams, all of it, how they interact with the people that we introduce them to at the grocery store, we are attached to how they respond to the world. And then when they don't respond that way, there's feelings of, you know, Oh, I haven't done my job, or my kids so naughty? Or, you know, what are they going to do when they get older? Like we just create stories, because what we are attached to doesn't play out

right? And so then it feels like we've somehow failed. Same thing when I think about, you know, I don't know if I shared this with on the podcast before, but last year, my husband and I went to couples counseling, which, by the way, everybody go to couples counseling with your partner. We all need it go monthly or weekly, whatever, because it's so powerful to have a third person who is sitting there and helping the two of you to navigate your relationship. And I know not all of you are in a relationship right now, not all of you are in our partnership. So acknowledging that, or for those of you that are this is such a valuable tool, right? And when my husband and I started couples counseling, I noticed that I was really attached to him being super excited about it. And guess what? He was not super excited about it. So I noticed that that was annoying to me, right? That was annoying to me. So I had to do my own work to let go of that annoyance. One, because ultimately what I wanted was I just wanted it to be helpful. I wanted my husband and I to be able to communicate better. I wanted us to both feel seen and heard, and in the end, that's exactly what happened in the end, when our counselor said, Okay, your six sessions have gone by. How are you feeling about things? What do you think about counseling? And my husband said, this was really helpful, and I'd like to keep doing it. That was a win right now. He. Didn't interact. I mean, I'm like, counseling, yeah, bring it on. Can I go every day? You know, like, I love it. My My man is really mellow, and thank God, because if I married myself, oh my god, I'd be a nightmare. But he's really mellow, and for him to be able to say, like, this was helpful, that was a win. And if I had been attached to him, like being super excited and animated and and like making drastic changes in his life, that wouldn't have been helpful, I would have been disappointed, right? So you know, whether it's going out on a date or having a tough conversation with another family member, maybe with your parent or your sibling, and being really attached to Okay, we're gonna have this conversation, and then everything's gonna feel so great, and we're gonna be so much closer. Just start to notice where you're attached and let that go, surrender that, because it's not so much. The outcome isn't I mean, outcome is nice, right? We want, you know, I'm not going to say, like, don't worry about the outcome, because ultimately, we have hard conversations with people to strengthen relationship, or to advocate for ourselves, or to stand up for ourselves, but really where the power is and where the life is right, where the living is, where the work is, is in the conversation is taking the step towards couples counseling is, you know, deciding you're going out on a date, to picking up the phone and and creating something new in your relationship, because you're willing to speak hard truths right? That is, that is where the magic is right. And so I think so often we get attached to things and it's just not helpful. It's just not helpful. And and even with our kids, like I was saying about kids behavior, often, you know, we want them to show up a certain way. We want them to be polite. We want them to use their manners. We want them to be animated and give good handshakes. And guess what? That's not always going to happen. That's not always going to happen, and the most powerful part of growing up is the development of life skills, and so we get to say, hey, let's practice. Let's practice how to interact with someone you don't know when the first time you meet them. Right? My son this week is trying out for a new basketball team, and it's fierce man, and before he went, I said, you know, I bet you're gonna get to meet the coaches, right? You're gonna get to meet the coaches, and they might want to shake your hand. How's your handshake? And so he shook my hand. Of course. It was like, super grip. I was like, okay, okay, that's pretty firm. So you're kind of trying too hard. So let's you know, how you know? What does it feel like to have a firm a firm handshake without breaking the person's knuckles? And so we practiced handshakes, and sure enough, he had the opportunity to, as we were leaving the first night of practice, he went over to the main coach and said, Thank you, and out came his hand. And Ian got to shake his hand, and it was like, All right, I'm so glad we practiced that right? Because that's that was the beauty, was the practice and, you know? And it turned out that that practice influenced the outcome, and he was able to give a really good handshake, which, you know, isn't earth shattering or anything. But here he is trying to stand out in a group of 40 plus sixth grade boys, many of which have some serious basketball skills. You know, him showing up at the end and checking in and giving that firm handshake. I'm hoping that scored him some points, right? So anyway, yeah, just showing up on this solo show to, I don't know, ramble a little bit about what is currently alive and in my mind right now, and I'm, I'm, I am trusting that you are going to pull out of this conversation exactly what you need in moving forward. I so appreciate you. Listeners. Keep the feedback coming. Please, please, please, keep the feedback coming. You can always email me directly at Casey, at joyful courage.com. I love hearing from you, and you know some of the things that I hear are specifics about episodes, like takeaways, nuggets that you found really helpful. I hear from people who say, wow, you know what you talk about is what I think about. But can't put into words. I love that feedback. I get feedback around, hey, here's a great guest idea, and here's the link. You might want to check them out. I love that. I love being connected. So many of my guests have. Been listeners who have said, Hey, check this person out. I love their work, and I think it would really resonate with you. So, yeah, check in. I am all about relationship people, right? I want to know you by name. So you know, at the end of each podcast, I have the little blurb with the call to action, and I invite you to join the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group. Don't just join it. Join it and and and show up, right? Ask questions, give feedback, offer support. You know, I want to know you. I want to know who you are. I want to know who your kids are. When you show up in that group, I want to feel like, oh, hey there's my girl, or hey there's that Dad, I love that dad, right? That is how community is built, is when we show up, right? And so this is my invitation to you to show up into our community and really be a part of it, and any kind of conversation that you're having with yourself around, oh, I don't have anything to offer or, Oh, I'm nervous about asking this question. Just know that that community and I'm in a couple other Facebook groups. The live and love group is super supportive, super supportive, and you will be celebrated and loved on and and the feedback that you get from the group is always right in line with what we talk about on the podcast. So So come on, let's be in relationship with each other. All right, be in touch. Thank you for listening today. Thank you for listening today. I hope that you're you appreciated the recap and are again taking action in your community to create more belonging and more love and more understanding in the schools and in the towns that you live in. And I'll be back next week with a brand new interview. Joyful courage community, you're amazing. Big. Thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention, cards, bracelets. E course offers the membership program one on one coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look. Simply head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.