Eps 134: Featuring Rebecca Eanes and the Positive Parenting Movement

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Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Hey everybody, welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. Conversations you'll hear on this show are all intended to offer you tools for moving forward, expanding your lens and shifting your narrative to one of possibility, connection and empowerment. When we bring deep, listening, acceptance and courage to our relationships, we are doing our part to evoke it in the world. I am thrilled to partner with you on this path. Hey, listeners. I am so excited to be interviewing Rebecca Eanes on the show today, you will remember Rebecca from Episode 44 way back when, positive parenting, the sensitive child is what we talked about. Rebecca is the author of two books for parents, positive parenting, The Essential Guide and The Newbies Guide to Positive Parenting. She is back on today to promote her newest resource for parents, the positive parenting workbook. Rebecca leads a community of over a million on her Facebook page, Positive Parenting Toddlers and beyond, and I am so thrilled to have her back on the show. Hi, Rebecca, welcome. Hey, Casey, thank you. Please remind the listeners a little bit about yourself and how you have found yourself a voice for the positive parenting community. Sure.

Rebecca Eanes 1:27
Well, like you said, I am the creator of Positive Parenting Toddlers and beyond on Facebook. I'm also the creator of positiveparents.org and I'm actually the author of four books on positive parenting.

Casey O'Roarty 1:41
Oh, sorry, geez.

Rebecca Eanes 1:45
So I have The Newbies Guide to Positive Parenting, positive parenting in action, which I co authored with my friend Laura Ling, and then positive parenting and Essential Guide and this new positive parenting workbook, which is coming out on March the sixth. However, I began this journey, actually as a confused and disheartened mom who was looking for answers, because when my two boys were very little, I found that just for a myriad of different reasons, traditional discipline methods did not work for us. So I set out, really, on a mission to just find a different way to discipline their behavior. But what I actually found was a completely different way of seeing and relating to my kids. So I started Positive Parenting Toddlers and beyond in 2010 I believe, and that was just a way for me to share what I was learning with other parents who may have also been disheartened or looking for a different way of discipline or parenting their kids, and then just here we are from

Casey O'Roarty 2:49
there. Yeah. Oh, man, one of my favorite things about you, Rebecca, is that you define yourself more as a messenger rather than an expert, and that you share really authentically from the trenches, and you're super relatable. So what are the latest challenges that you've been navigating from your trenches with your boys?

Rebecca Eanes 3:11
Oh, well,

Casey O'Roarty 3:13
my boys,

Rebecca Eanes 3:15
let me just pick couple of them. My boys are tweens now, so they they're going to be 12 and 10 this year. So for us, tech addiction and screen boundaries is coming up a lot right now. Also, my boys were homeschooled up until the last school year, when we made the decision as a family to try traditional education, and to be honest, that has provided ample challenges for several reasons, but a big one, I think, is just being that punishment is so prevalent in our schools, so for the first time, they're kind of straddling two worlds. And you know, this has caused us some unique problems. And also there's just been this, you know, the peer pressure and the mean kid bullying issues, unfortunately, also come with school, so those are our big challenges right now.

Casey O'Roarty 4:05
Yeah, I can really relate to the discipline style in the schools being contrary to how we hold space at home, for sure, and we had a lot of conversation around, well, I'm pretty loose around swearing, as long as it's not habitual and it's well placed. And so we had to have a conversation, and I think I probably have said this on the podcast before, but that, you know, dropping a swear word on the playground is gonna lead to some different consequences than what it does in the driveway. And my son was like, Well, what will you do if I, if you get called into the office because I've, I sweared, I said I would, you know, I would come in and I would stand there and I would support you while you jumped through the hoops of your school's discipline program. Like, that's, you know, you know that the school, they have their. Own thing going on. So you got to have situational awareness when you're out and about in the world, and consider that there are other ways that the world, you know, disciplines then, then in the house. And actually, I think that that's a really great opportunity for our kids to kind of see, like, oh, outside of the bubble, right? Things work a little bit differently, and I think we set them up better by providing unconditional love, and, you know, a positive, connected discipline, slash parenting. You know, at home, I think that sets them up better to navigate the world than, Oh, well, I've had some parents say like, well, you know, if I when my kids in front of the judge, you know, the judge isn't going to say, oh, so what would be a good solution to this problem? And I was like, well, right? However, you know, a home that's connected and focused on solutions is going to actually keep your son from being in front of the judge, like, that's the goal. Yeah, I hear those challenges for sure and positive parenting, so like as a thing, right? Quote, positive parenting, it can feel really vague, I think, especially for people that are coming from the traditional behaviorist kind of carrot and stick model of parenting. And I've had parents ask me and teachers as well that I've worked with, does it mean to just be nice all the time, or is, you know, I do positive parenting. I catch them while they're good. And that doesn't really, I mean, it's, it's more expansive than that, when what it so I'd love to ask you, what does when you talk about positive parenting, what does positive parenting mean to you.

Rebecca Eanes 6:42
Oh gosh, Casey, that's like trying to sell the continent into a gift bag.

Casey O'Roarty 6:46
Well, just like, literally, like me, like pillars that you would say are key to positive parenting,

Rebecca Eanes 6:52
right? Well, see, the thing is, I find it really difficult to sum it up quickly, which is, you know why I've written hundreds of articles and four books about it? Because I have to sum it up. I'm going to say what I said in The Newbies Guide, which is that positive parenting is is guidance offered in a positive way, keeping in mind the dignity of the parent and the child and preserving the parent child relationship, which is in a nutshell, but that's a very small nutshell.

Casey O'Roarty 7:21
Well, I love that. I love that. Let's play with that a little bit, because listeners know that I'm a positive discipline trainer, and one of the kind of pillars of positive discipline is mutual respect. And mutual respect, not you respect me and then I'll respect you, but mutual respect in the context of I'm going to respect myself and the situation while also respecting the other person in front of me, the needs, the dignity of the person in front of me. So I really appreciate that. That is a piece that you just spoke into, because I think it's really easy for parents to create justifications for treating their kids really poorly because they're triggered, angry, mostly all of it under the surface, afraid, or that feeling of lack of control, and you know, respecting the dignity of the child is simply treating them as you would a friend, even a friend that you might be mad at.

Rebecca Eanes 8:27
Yes, well, there's a couple of points I want to make here. Thank you. If you don't mind, of course, I think that it's really important that we understand I think there's a big misconception that positive parenting may just mean respecting the child and that the parent does not get the same respect. I think that some people tend to think that we overcaddle, or that we you know, that we're just completely child centered, and we do whatever makes the kid happy, and they are not required to show us that respect. But I want to really emphasize that it is mutual respect. I'm not going to let my kid treat me poorly or disobey my rules, just as any other parent one, and as my kids are getting older and into these tween and teen years, it's really important I'm learning to stay in that leadership role, and I don't want anyone to think that positive parenting lays down that leadership role in any way, because obviously it's super important that we guide our kids and that we maintain boundaries,

and that we require that they respect us as well. Yeah, absolutely. That's a misconception that I've ran into for all of the years that I've been doing this.

Casey O'Roarty 9:38
Yeah, well, and do you find because inside of that conversation, also, and I think positive parenting and positive discipline and brain informed parenting, you know, we forget that when a child has a flooding of emotions, they have however many years of life experience to navigate those. Emotions and their response can often look less than respectful and as positive parents, I think it's our job also to recognize when the issue is not about you won't you know you're being disrespectful and the issue is really about, wow, you're overwhelmed by what's happening right now. You know, how do we support them in that? And then come back to and by the way, you know when you're feeling like that, it is not okay to lash out at me. So what are some tools that are going to help you next time? Because there's always a next time. Especially I have, I have a teen and a tween, so I know there's always a next time you know that's going to present itself, and what might you do differently, right? Versus I think we I think a lot of well meaning parents get really caught up in the disrespect in a way that isn't necessarily helping the child learn the skills that they need to be more respectful. Does that make sense? Yes, yes,

Rebecca Eanes 11:00
yes. I completely agree with that. I think it's first understanding the behavior, and then it's helping them to correct their own behavior. Yeah, and

Casey O'Roarty 11:09
I really appreciate that you mentioned that leadership role, because we talk a lot about horizontal relationships, while also maintaining that as the parent, you're the leader, you're the model, right? And there are non negotiables. Like, non negotiables are okay. Everything doesn't need an agreement. Sometimes it's just, this is how it is, and that's okay too. Yeah. Hey, listeners, I'm just popping in here to let you know about a free program for parents that starts April 1, the joyful courage 10 it's 10 days of intentional visioning, 10 days of mindful mindset shifting and 10 days of strategic tools for the conscious parenting journey. What if I told you that it is possible to be the parent, the person you want to be for your children, your partner and yourself. What if I told you that you could show up and be present with encouragement and intention? It is possible you can. And I am here to show you how it comes down to three things, your intention, your mindset and your practice. Truth be told, the to do list and the daily challenges will be there, but by shifting your mindset, you can change the way you interact with them and hold space for more connection and fun in your relationships. What you can expect over the 10 days is opportunities for participation in a closed Facebook group, daily encouraging email messages and daily Facebook Lives from me that will include meditations, Q and A's and inspiration for you all inside of our own special little group. If you are into it, if you are ready to check this out and go deeper into the joyful courage work, if you're stoked that it's free, head on over to www, dot, joyful courage.com/jc, 10. Www, dot, joyful courage.com/jc, 10, I'm super excited to get to know you all better. Let your friends in on it. This kind of work is ever more powerful when we have support of our community. Yay. Check it out. Check it out. So I see and speak about parenting as a journey, and I know that you do too, and the journey is a continuous invitation to practice being the parent that we want to be as often as possible. I've even been saying that parenting is one long personal growth and development workshop. What are your thoughts about personal growth and parenting?

Rebecca Eanes 13:57
Well, I think that you were spot on. Always say, my kids are the best mirrors, because in them, I have seen my own negative attitudes and bad moods and emotional reactions and really every area that I needed to improve upon. But because I think it is unfair and hypocritical, even for me, to ask of my young kids something that my old self can't or doesn't do, that means that I've had to do a lot of self work on my own attitudes, moods and reactions so I could be the model for them in those areas. So I think that we definitely grow ourselves up in the process of helping our kids grow up.

Casey O'Roarty 14:37
Are you still making mistakes every day, yeah, yeah. I think that's really important for listeners to hear, you know, especially from the people that they see as resources. Because I'm I, you know, it's the same for me every day, and every day is an opportunity for me to get to make things right and learn something new and different about myself.

Rebecca Eanes 14:58
That's really good, though. Yeah. Because you know what, our kids are going to make mistakes every day, and if they had perfect parents, they would not know how to get through this world, because they're not going to be perfect. So I think it's really important for us to model all that messy flaws and and and still be able to show up and love ourselves and our kids and accept ourselves and accept our kids in the midst of all of that, because that's really what lafay is in it.

Casey O'Roarty 15:25
Yeah, it is, yeah, it is, big time. Do you find that when you so your kids were young when you came into this work? Did you find that it was easy to because, you know, everyone's and I'm sure I know that you you interact with people all the time that are you know, want to move towards positive parenting. Want to not yell Right, right, even though people we cannot yell and still yell with our face. So just be aware of that. Do you like what? Because I find that sometimes that that jump is can be really challenging, mostly because of the well established patterns and triggers that we come into parenting with, maybe not realizing that we had. So how did you help yourself when you were making the move away from kind of the traditional style that you knew didn't work wasn't helpful for your family into more of the positive parenting work.

Rebecca Eanes 16:24
You know, it was really a long journey for me, because I kind of went from this very traditional, almost authoritarian, not completely, but I was very I was I was behavior control all the way. I was very into making sure that they did what I said, when I said it, and if they didn't, that was defiance, and that means that they they needed some sort of punishment, which is, which for me, was timeout. So we ended up going to that timeout chair 80 times a day at one point, which is at the breaking point when I started to look for positive parenting, because I realized that that was just not the way I wanted to live my life with my kids. But you know, it, I went from, I think, the first, the very first book I read that touted to be, you know, claimed to be positive parenting was 123, magic, which was a starting point, I guess, but I wanted to, at first, the goal was to control my kids nicely. I think, yeah, yeah. And so it, it was really this long journey from that point to Oh, wow. You know, my kids are having experiences and feelings and emotions that are driving these behaviors. And then I had to learn all this stuff about their brains and the neuroscience of it, and so it was like a year for me to really wrap my head around the whole thing from going from authoritarian parenting and behavior patrol to positive parenting. So it took me a while, and still, I'm still learning things that I did. And if you anybody who's followed my work over the years have probably seen this kind of progression because I'm not even the same parent that I was a year ago, which I get, you know, I think that's a good thing, because I should be continuing to grow and adapt as my kids grow and adapt, but it was definitely a long journey that still continues to go. But I think for me, the key was understanding that brain development was absolutely crucial in changing the way that I dealt with my kids when they were having big, big emotions, yeah, so that was the starting point, and then just looking behind that behavior and seeing behavior as communication, that was the second big thing for me. Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 18:34
I love that. I love that it is a continual unfolding I know for me, when I remember that, I feel a lot more hopeful. And I think it's really important for parents to hear it's not, there's no destination to get to, like, Okay, well, once you're once you can do this, then everybody will be with the program, and it's super easy. And, you know, it's just not, it's too it's a living, breathing. You know, the relationship that we have to parenting is a living entity in and of itself, I think, and it's fascinating to me. Lately, one of the themes that I've talked about here on the show that I just literally half hour ago, wrote about in my journal, was trust and trusting myself and trusting the process, and trusting my relationships with my kids, trusting my kids to learn from their mistakes, like trust has been such a big theme. And I cracked up when you said in the beginning, it was about keeping control while being nice. That is so brilliant. I'm so glad you put those words together, because I think that that is often like, Okay, I want to be a positive parent. I want to maintain control, but not be so mean. And it is. It's so much bigger than that. And you said earlier about, you know, keeping relationship intact, and how powerful that is, and how the brain works better in. Relationship with somebody else. So I just really appreciate that. So what called you to create this workbook? Tell me about the workbook. Well,

Rebecca Eanes 20:10
this workbook goes hand in hand with the last book positive parenting and essential god, this is, this is a companion guide to that. But what I saw was there's so much focus on discipline in parenting, you know, and there's so much focus on that that every other area was being slighted or ignored. And there are so many things I think, that shape our children, besides just the discipline methods that we choose. So it's early, but think of a pie. Okay, okay, so discipline is a small slice of that pie. But relationships in the family, communication, family, culture, traditions, you know, our own stories and beliefs that we bring. All of these are slices in that pie as well. So even if we get the discipline, quote, unquote, right, but some of these other areas are poisoned, you still want to end up with a bad pie. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 21:05
And when you and when you talk about discipline, is that kind of like what we do in the moment when mischief shows up?

Rebecca Eanes 21:17
Well, yes, that's I'm using this traditional form of discipline. You know what I mean? Yeah, that we have come to know that that's not what discipline is, but in that moment, right? So positive parenting and Essential Guide and this workbook are, to me about the whole pie. It's, it's looking at all of these other aspects that play a huge role, maybe, you know, I think sometimes even a much bigger role than just those discipline methods that we choose the way their family culture is, for example, I think is more important than whether we sit them in time out or whether we bring them into time in. There's so many things that are so important that shape them than just those discipline methods. So I wanted to really put a couple of books out there that went deeper, just beyond discipline, because every book on the parenting shelf is what to do and what not to do, and how you should get your kids one, step, one, two and three to do this, and then they'll be well behaved the end. And yeah, right, we didn't need another one of those. So thank you. So it's the whole pie. Get the whole pie here.

Casey O'Roarty 22:22
Yeah, I love that, and I love that you talk about family culture. Tell me more about family culture. Well,

Rebecca Eanes 22:27
family culture, I think, is, is really huge, because that is largely the world that our kids grow up in, right? So especially when they're young kids, because as they grow obviously, school culture, community culture, they all play their parts as well, but it's in the family where kids first learn their worth, where they learn how to communicate, how to resolve conflicts, how to love themselves, how to love others. So I really believe that toxic family cultures are just absolutely devastating. But I also believe that a healthy family culture creates an environment that, you know, kids can thrive in it, that they can go out from to realize their full potentials. What

Casey O'Roarty 23:09
are some of the areas as far in your workbook around family culture that you invite your readers to look at, well, we

Rebecca Eanes 23:17
look at at the beliefs that we, you know that we bring into it, let me. Let me turn to it real quick, because I want to be accurate here.

Casey O'Roarty 23:25
No problem, because I what I'm hearing you speak into Rebecca is also something that I talk about with the iceberg metaphor, right? There's the behavior at the tip of the iceberg, anything that's showing up that's challenging, but then there's everything underneath, which includes relationship, which includes, does the child feel connected to family? Does the child feel like they have influence? Does the child feel like they are, that they matter, and even as simple as like, are they hungry? Could they use a nap? Like all of that under the surface, and it's not so much that we always have to be chipping away at that behavior, sometimes just a shift below the surface. And what I'm hearing you talk about around family, culture is enough, right? And that's where trust comes in. Is enough to shift the behaviors that we might be seeing that are not ideal? Yes, absolutely.

Rebecca Eanes 24:19
So the in the book, I talk about these seven pillars of family culture. So like, one is values. You know, the family values, obviously that we have that we want to instill in our children, dispositions, which the, you know, there's the quality of mind and character of each parent and of each child, and how those kind of play off against each other, expectations, you know, and that's going beyond expecting your child to say please and thank you and pick up your toys, but I'm talking about expectations as far as what we expect of their character, and things like faiths and government. I mean, so many things go into that that's a big topic. And. And our habits, you know, things that we do day in and day out obviously have a great effect on our kids. Communication, not only the way we talk to our kids, but the way I talk to my husband, and the way that, you know, we talk to people as we go out, how we treat our bank clerks and whatever conflict resolution, how we resolve conflict in the family, plays a part. And then finally, traditions, you know, which provide the common bonds and sense of unity in the family. So those are the seven things that we go over in this book. And what I love about this book is there's a lot of journaling spaces. And I'm a big journal lover. I think that you probably are as well. There's a lot of space to kind of write out your own thoughts, because I don't want to tell anybody how to raise their kids. That's totally not my place in this world. I'm still figuring out how to raise mine, but I want to help parents kind of find their own voice and to kind of peel back all those layers that we have been piled on us over the years, and kind of strip those back and see at our core, what is it that we believe, what is it that we value, and what do we want to see in our families, and how do we want to raise our kids? I love that. Yeah, so this provides a lot of space for you to kind of do your own exploration of those topics.

Casey O'Roarty 26:12
Yeah. I mean, just as I look at that list, I'm thinking, you know, there's so much implicitly that we hold right, like I know what my values are. I know what my expectations are. I know I have a definite style of communicating out in the world, as well as at home and but to make the implicit explicit and to have conversations like really explore these things. Have conversations with our partners, being transparent with our kids, I think that not only does that, you know, heighten their awareness, but it also heightens our own awareness around the existence of these different pillars, and I think calls us into showing up ever better for all of these things. So wow, I'm super excited about this workbook. Rebecca, thank you. Yeah. So do you have any final words of wisdom for parents that are working towards positive parenting, I want

Rebecca Eanes 27:04
them to know that you know what Be. Be as gentle and respectful with yourself as you are trying to be with your kids. You know you Yes, you are not perfect either, and you don't have to be. And that's that's fine. We're all growing. We're all learning. We are all flawed, but we all need grace, and we all need acceptance. So this is a journey, and there's not a destination yet that I've seen. It's an ever going thing. So just be good to yourself along the way, beautiful

Casey O'Roarty 27:36
and in the context of all we've talked about today, what does joyful courage mean to you? Rebecca,

Rebecca Eanes 27:45
I I think joyful courage means being brave enough to go against a grain to live true to you and confident enough to believe in yourself and to do so with joy love that.

Casey O'Roarty 28:00
Thank you. Yes, remind listeners where they can find you and follow your work and find your workbook and all that good stuff.

Rebecca Eanes 28:07
Okay, so the best place to find me is online, on Facebook, at positive parenting toddlers, and beyond my website is positive dash parents.org, and I also write for weekly for creative child magazine, and I am the parenting editor at motherly online as well. So you'll find a bunch of my writings on there, and then my books are also listed on the website as well. So Positive parents.org. Awesome.

Casey O'Roarty 28:34
And the day that this show goes out right is launch day, isn't it? March 6. Yes, March, yay. So today's the day, friends, today's the day that you can get Rebecca's New Workbook and do it, because it sounds like an amazing resource for all of us. Thank you so much for taking time to talk with me, Rebecca. I so appreciate having you on the show.

Rebecca Eanes 28:56
Oh, thank you, Casey. I appreciate you having me on

Casey O'Roarty 29:02
you. Joy, joyful courage community, you're amazing. Big. Thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention, cards, bracelets, e course offers the membership program, one on one, coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look. Simply head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S, to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone. Is going to be okay?

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