Eps 131: How to use routines to shift the dynamics in your home

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, my friends, yes, a place to be inspired, informed and hopefully entertained on the parenting journey. I'm your host. Casey o'rourdy, parent coach, positive discipline trainer, and even more importantly, mother to two children who teach me every single day about how to practice showing up in a way that is helpful, connected and humble, who also point out when I am not showing up that way, when we choose into joyful courage, we are choosing into rejoicing in the opportunities for self growth and discovery that exist on the parenting journey. Yes, I did say rejoicing in those opportunities, and it's work, but so worth it. The path we are searching for is in our practice. Super grateful you're here to practice with me. Thank you so much for being a part of the community. Enjoy the show. Hey, podcast listeners, welcome back to the show. I'm so glad that you are taking time to listen, and I just have to give a couple shout outs right now, because, oh my gosh. 2018 2018 man, I am super stoked about the guests that have been on the show. Julie Miller talking about food and nutrition last week. The feedback I'm getting from you all is that you loved what she had to say about role responsibility and thank you bites and power struggles. And then a few weeks before that, with Liz Blackwell Moore talking about teens and drugs, and even though it's a subject that we don't really want to talk about, gosh, she made it really easy to explore it and learn and grow. And I really appreciated that. And then, oh my goodness, the very first interview of 2018 with Tina Bryson. How many of you have read the yes brain? I have my copy. I'm looking at it right now. I'm ready to crack it open. I am so honored by the people that come and spend time with me on the show, and then I get to share the conversations with you. I love it. It's such a gift. It's such a gift. And I'm really grateful that you tune in each week to hear what I'm talking about. And this week is a solo episode, and it was inspired by the members of the live and love with joyful courage Facebook group. If you are not a part of that group, it is a closed group on Facebook. It exists as a place for fans of the show and like minded parents to come and support each other, ask for support, celebrate triumphs, and, you know, just share in the journey and the crazy journey of parenting. And so anyway, there's been a lot that's come up over there. In the last couple of weeks, there's been conversation around morning routines and bedtimes and defiance and meltdowns and sibling issues. There was some support requested around a tough experience that one of the members' daughters had with her teacher. I am just so amazed by the depth of wisdom and love that exists in that community, and you all inspired me to talk today about routines, yeah, and creating routines. So there's a couple of tools, of parenting tools that when we put them into place. They make the whole parenting journey so much easier, right? They're not those, what do I say in the moment, kind of tools? They're more of those proactive, structural tools that just keep things moving an ever easier, more flow, like way, right? So you've heard me talk about special time, that one on one time. You've probably heard if you listen to other podcasts, which I hope that you do, because there's a lot of amazing podcasts out there, if you listen to other parent educators, they are also talking about how important that one on one time is to be having with your kids and to be scheduling. We know it's one on one time, a lot of kid led activity time, whether it's playing a game or reading a book, going out in the world to explore, but it's so important. It's so important that we have that regular one on one time with our kids, right? You. It is important for building relationship and a solid foundation of belonging and significance. And if you listened to my show a couple weeks ago, I talked about the iceberg metaphor, and remember that part of the iceberg that under the surface piece is what are children's perceptions around connection and meaning are right. Like, do they know they matter? Do they feel connected? Do they feel like they have influence? Right? So, special time continuous, not continuous. Consistent, regular. Special time that they can depend on really supports that under the surface perception around belonging and significance. And so does creating routines, right? So does creating routines on today's show. I'm going to get really specific about how to co create routines and some of the small tweaks that you can make in the process that that just ignite the whole thing with so much more empowerment for your kids. So, you know, when we don't have routines, when we are finding ourselves, you know, trying to get them out the door, trying to get them to bed, we start to feel like we're putting out fires left and right, like we're behind right. We find ourselves feeling really overtaxed and exhausted. We might find ourselves ourselves slipping out of who we want to be and into that crazy parent that we don't want to be right. Like you all have heard me talk about the train metaphor, so when we get into the mode of having those really tough times during the day that feel like they're spinning out of control. You know, the train pulls up and without any structure, without any anchoring, into routines, we can often slide right on that train, and that train takes us to crazy town, and this is also where we lose sight of the ways that we might actually be contributing to the chaos at hand, right where we start to blame the kids, we fall into the trap of thinking, Gosh, it's always so difficult. It's always going to be like that. We forget that there is always a flow that comes after the ebb. And I just have to tell you, I just was talking to my daughter about this, or maybe it was a week ago, we had kind of a tough time, tough day or two. And I mentioned to her, you know, sometimes when we're kind of in it with each other, it's hard to remember that it's just that moment. It's just that day is a hard day. It's in the moment. It feels like, well, this is how it's gonna be now. We're just gonna be fighting, and you're gonna be angsty, and it's really easy to slip into that mindset. And guess what? We have this whole conversation about it and how, okay, let's try to remind each other that this isn't forever. It's temporary. And yeah, last night right in it again, same thing. It's like there's the peaks in the valleys. And I'm noticing lately that when I'm in the valley as the parent, I'm forgetting that the valley is temporary, right? The valley is temporary. I'm so triggered, and in my fear for me, it's fear that I forget that the valley is temporary. So yes, special time helps with all of that, right? Because you all know, I say it all the time, the relationship we nurture with our kids is what has the biggest impact on their behavior, absolutely. But another tool that's super helpful to come back to again and again is CO creating routines. Right now, if you are someone with challenges in the morning or after school or at bedtime, you might be thinking, but Casey, we have a routine and it doesn't work, right? Or we've tried routines they don't work for us. Okay? Great. That is great information to have if you have a routine and it's not working, it's just time to create a new routine, right? It's time to come back together and create a new routine. Now here's the thing. I want to be really specific, and I want you to know that the kinds of routines that I am talking about when I say create a routine. CO create a routine that's really different than you saying, Okay, this is how the evening's gonna go, or, okay, this is how the mornings are gonna go, not, I mean, that's a routine. You can create the routine. You can post it on the wall and say, This is how it's gonna be. That is, you know, a routine. But not all routines are created equal. Okay, when I'm talking about routine, when I talk about routines as a tool, when we talk about routines as a positive discipline tool, the mindset is that routines are made to be modified and changed up. They're living documents. So.

All right, same thing with agreements, which I'm not going to get into agreements right now, I spoke about those last fall routines. Consider those like living breathing documents, right? And routines are designed to be helpful for everyone. Design routines that are designed to be helpful for everyone are going to be the ones that are the most useful to you and your kids. And again, mindset matters. If we go into Okay, mornings are a nightmare. I got to figure out how to get my kids to do what I want them to do, then your routines are going to fall flat. It's not about manipulating your kids into cooperation, right? It's just, it's a mindset shift, right? It's about helping your kids to feel like capable, contributing members of the family, because when they feel like that, when they feel capable, when they feel like they have influence, when they feel connected, they're gonna want they're We naturally want to cooperate. It feels good, right? Mindset matters. This is about the process of creating the routine and then practicing it. It's about the opportunity that exists inside the challenge that is currently at the surface. So when we can go into this whole process as like, okay, great. I know I'm gonna pinpoint it. I know that it's my mornings that are a challenge, and that's where I want to focus. And I'm so excited because I have this challenge, I get to engage in this tool that's ultimately, at the end of the day, going to bring me closer to my kids and give them an opportunity to grow their perception of belonging and significance, yay. So we celebrate that, right? Hey, friends, just popping in here to let you know about a brand new offer from joyful courage. Let me know. If this sounds familiar, I yell at my kids every morning. It's the only way to get them out the door. The minute they get home from school, the battles begin, homework, chores, screen time, all of it. Bedtime is a nightmare. I end up being so angry that I don't even want to tuck them in. My kids just don't seem to care. They act like they don't hear me. This is not who I thought I would be as a parent friends, we all get caught up in overwhelm, and because of that, I created chaos to calm it's a video training to transform your home. Each part of this program includes a short video and a worksheet to guide you in both reflecting on your personal experience and creating action steps for moving you and your child forward. I know without any doubt, that you can replace your current overwhelm with peace and connection in your home. I know how difficult finding time and space for yourself can be, and so I worked really hard to create something that won't add to the overwhelming time crunch that may already exist in your life. If you're interested in registering for the program or finding out more, go to www, dot, joyful courage.com/chaos, www, dot, joyful courage.com/c, H, A, O, S, and we're going to take a deeper look at this, because, like I said, all routines are not created equal. The routines that I'm talking about are co created, right? They're co created with your kids. Engage them, even the littlest ones can get involved in this, right? Co creating routines means that you're co creating find a time of day when everyone's feeling good, feeling connected, right? Don't this isn't a conversation that you're having like in the morning. If that's the time of day that you want to work on, right? You're going to find another time of day when everybody's feeling good and connected, and then you open up a friendly conversation with the child about how they experience the challenging time of day. So it could sound like, hey little Bobby, tell me about what the morning feels like to you when it's a school day and we got to get out the door, what does the morning feel like to you and wait and listen and zip it and let them share. And you might want to prompt them with things like, what do you notice about mommy? You know, what's your favorite part of the morning? What do you wish we could have more time for what's really hard for you? You know, see, you can you. Can help them explore their experience, but you really want to make sure to stay open and non judgmental and neutral, right? Let them know you're taking their sharing to heart. It's not a time to talk them out of what they're experiencing. So you might hear things and you might want to be like what that is, not how it is in the morning, or you don't really feel like that. Notice that showing up and do not say it. You can think it, but zip your lips. This is not about getting them to see your side. It's simply actually about gathering information, because we make assumptions all the time about what we think our kids experience is and why they act the way they act. Right? This is actually going to blow through those assumptions and give you an ever clearer picture about your child's experience. After you've listened to them, you can let them know how you feel in the morning. And again, this isn't a time to say, well, when you move really slow, it's really frustrating to me, but you could say sometimes I feel really frustrated in the morning, I'm thinking about getting to work on time. I'm thinking about getting to school on time, and I worry that sometimes we are all taking too long, right? So you want to share in a way that isn't blaming or judging. You also might want to clear out the space by taking accountability for your behavior. Taking responsibility for your behavior. This is really important. So you know, if you have noticed, like, gosh, I've become such a terrible nag in the morning, and I get short tempered, and whatever your story is, take this opportunity to say, You know what little Bobby or teenage Bobby, I noticed that in the morning, I'm really on your case, and I am not always treating you very well, and I bet that doesn't feel good to you, and I'm really sorry about that. And you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna work harder, and if I need to take a break and take some breaths or maybe listen to one of my short meditations, you're gonna see me do that because I want to support you. I don't want to nag you or hurt you, right? So clearing out the space through taking responsibility for your behavior, and then after that, ask for their help. Ask for their help to make that time of day easier and better for everyone, right? So together, you can brainstorm ideas. What do we need to make sure it gets done in the morning, right? And they're going to have ideas, and you're going to have ideas, and some of their ideas are going to be crazy to you, and some of your ideas might be crazy to them. You know, like, what came to mind immediately was, I would love it if my children made their bed in the morning. But that's not a non negotiable, right? That's not something that I am willing to power struggle around. It's just not, it's their room, and it's taken a long time for me to come to that place. So you want to brainstorm a bunch of ideas. You want to do some offers, counteroffers. If you need to be open to what they're suggesting, right? Just be open. Write down everything. Make sure that you are firm but not rigid around your non negotiables, right? So we're going to brush our teeth before we leave the house. Yes, that's happening, right? When it happens, like just the other morning, my son came down and I had made sausage for breakfast, and he had already eaten some breakfast, and he went upstairs, and he brushed his teeth, and he came down and I said, Oh, here's some sausage. And he was like, Mom, I just brushed my teeth. And I was like, It's okay, yay for brushing your teeth. And it's okay for you to eat some sausage right now and and skip out to the bus, right? So this is what's important to me. How can we make it work, right? It's important to me that that you brush your teeth. When would you like to do it? What's your idea for getting that done? Right? And you're going to cross off anything that that you come up with in your brainstorm that isn't related to that time of day, reasonable, respectful or helpful to your child, right? We want everything on this kind of task list, this routine, to be related reasonable, respectful and helpful to the child that's going to help them move it along right and then. And it's great when you've written down stuff that they can cross out, like make your bed, that would be a great one to add, and they could be like, I don't really want to or maybe they'll be all excited about it, and that's fine too,

from that place work together to create a visual reminder. Now, when my kids were really little, it was taking pictures of them doing the different parts of the routine, right, and putting it on a poster board and hanging it up as they got older, it's taken on different looks recently when we have routines that we're working on. I'll one of the kids will type it up, and I'll put it in a like a plastic frame that gets set on the counter. So there's that visual reminder. Here's the great thing about visual reminders. They're not only visual reminders for your kids, but they're also visual reminders for you, so you remember what was decided. Because how many of us are like from now on, this is how it's going to be and then, like from now on, happens, and we think, what did I say? What? What were we going to do? So Visual reminders are really helpful. And then at the end, you get to say, let's try this for a week. We're going to try this for a week and see how it goes. We're uh, right? I think so many of us get trapped when we think awesome. We've made this routine, and now all my problems in the morning or at bedtime or after school are going to be, you know, forever solved. No, that, unfortunately, is not the situation. First of all, sometimes we just don't get it right. We just don't get it right the first time we make routines. Second of all, our kids change and develop life circumstance happens. There's so many variables, and we have to come back and tweak and modify the routine to fit where we're at right? But you want to give it a week, and then now I'm hearing the Yeah, but, but what if it doesn't work? So the first thing I want to say about things working is, and I love it when parents come to me and say, well, it's not working or that doesn't work for us. I and I'm sure you've heard me say this. I'm sure I've said it on the podcast before, but I really would invite all of us to shift from what's going to work to what's going to be helpful, right? Because when we look at a problem and we look at a solution, and we think about the solution as I want to find something that's going to be helpful to my child, that's going to help them navigate the world. That's going to help them feel connected, feel like they have influence, feel like they matter. That's a much more powerful and useful and effective mindset. Then I need to figure out what's going to work, right? So, shifting to what's helpful, focusing on the process, like this whole process is, is the power, right? That's where the power of routines come from. Is in the process that we go through in creating them, that non judgmental space that that that co creation, the opportunity for our kids to use their their voice and to be heard and to feel heard. Not only are we focusing on the process, we also now have to trust, trust that this process is enough that you don't need to say and if you don't do your routine, you I'm going to take your screen time away like we don't need that. Just assume and trust that this process is enough to help your child and then let the routine be the boss. Guide your child back to the routine. What's next on your routine? What else were we going to do on your routine? What do you have left on your routine? Right? So bring them back and bring them back. Excited like, Oh, hey, we have a tool that's going to help us. I'm so excited about that, right? So your vibe matters, and remember to revisit at the end of the week, even if it was super helpful and everybody was, you know, magically better, right? You're still going to want to say, Hey, listen, let's take a look at our routine. How did you feel about this week? What did you notice that was helpful? What wasn't helpful? And you can share your own thoughts around that. Is there anything we want to tweak for the upcoming week? You know? So you want to revisit. You want to revisit, and and that also lets the kids know, like, Oh, this is something that we can say, like, I don't really like this anymore. I want it to be different. And you there's an open forum for them to be a part of that process. That's really powerful. And there's so we've made so many routines. You all, oh my gosh. Over the years, we've made routines around housework, and like we used to have family house cleaning parties that didn't last very long, but we've had a variety of ways that we get housework done. We have a routine around family meetings we have we've done routine charts for the mornings, for after school, for bedtime. We've tweaked all of them. We used to have a routine chart for my son when he would get up in the mornings on the weekends because he'd get to watch cartoons, and we wanted to make sure that first he ate and that he waited until it was at least eight o'clock and he let the dog in. So routines are awesome. They are really. Be helpful. Take it slow. Let go of the urgency. If you currently feel like, oh my gosh, my whole day is a shit show. I need routines from morning till night. Just pick one time of day. Just pick one routine to work on for a little while. You might just notice that the creation of that routine is going will be so helpful to the your child's perception around belonging and significance and influence that the other times of day become less, less explosive, less reactionary. Take it slow, right? How, like I said, how you show up matters be in your practice of curiosity and openness. Catch yourself when you want to judge the kids around, how they're doing their routine, or some of the ideas that they have. I remember years ago, we were the kids had after dinner jobs, and it was like four things. I think I've even talked about this on the podcast. They have to wipe the table. Put away something else. Wipe the table. Oh, wipe the table. Deal with the shoes in our little mud room. Take out the recycling, take out the garbage. Really small tasks, but it was like such a nightmare every night about who did what. And so at a family meeting, they decided that for a week they were going to try. They were going to row Shambo, who decided, and whoever best three out of five. Even though I was like, you could do two out of three, it'd be faster best three out of five row Shambo to decide who would call the coin flip. Which would decide who would get to pick the first job. And then they would alternate picking. And in my mind, I was thinking, this is so complicated, what are you doing that I kept my mouth shut. And that routine for after dinner, for getting the jobs done, lasted like eight months. It lasted so long. So you just never know. You know, and when it comes from them, when they've created it, there's so much power there, right? We're currently working in a new routine of turning off their screens from five to seven on weekdays, the screen use, you know, I have a teenager. I have two. No, my son is not a teenager, yet. He's 12, but he has an iPod, which might as well be an iPhone, and the screen time is super slippery. I'm actually really excited, because I have the filmmaker of screenagers coming on to talk to me more about this in the next couple weeks. But the screens, the phones, it's a really slippery area, so we're playing with this whole five to seven time where the kids can either be doing homework or they can be downstairs helping with dinner, connecting. I'm also our new routine in the car is no screens in the car. No screens get to be on in the car, which is great because my daughter is starting Driver's Ed next week. Oh, my God. And I want that to feel really natural to be in the car without the screen. It has to start to feel natural to her so well, I talked a lot longer than I thought I would about routines. I hope this was helpful to you. I hope this was helpful to you. Please give me your feedback. Let me know what you're taking away. Let me know what you'd like to hear more of I actually recently posted a handout on the live in love with joyful courage group page about CO creating routines and all the steps. I am also going to put it in the show notes. And it's all just about walking through the process. Let me know if you have any questions. And also, as you heard, you know, halfway through this solo show, my little promo for the this month's e course, which is chaos to calm, and it's for, like I said, it's for video trainings, and it's basically the process of creating routines. So if you want to dig a little deeper into that, check out that offer that might be just what you need to feel supported and feel good. And yeah, yay. Thanks for sticking with me today and all the time. I so appreciate you. I'll be back next week with a new interview for your enjoyment. Bye, joyful courage community. You're

amazing. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage, swag over at the web page, intention, cards, bracelets. E course offers the membership program one on one coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look simply, head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Me any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way. Reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.