Eps 123: Solo Show – Navigating Big Emotions From Grownups and Kids

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Music. Hey everybody. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. I am Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer, parent coach, and honored to be your guide in the work of showing up as your best for yourself and your family. If you feel as though parenting is one long personal growth and development workshop, you have come to the right place. The conversations you will hear on this podcast are all intended to offer you tools for moving forward, for expanding your lens, for shifting your narrative to one of possibility, connection and empowerment. You can be the parent you want to be. We are influencing the world with how we raise our children. When we bring deep, listening, acceptance and courage to our relationships, we are doing our part to evoke it in the world. I am thrilled to partner with you on this path. I hope you enjoy the show.

All right, solo show. Hey friends. So great to be back here with you. I love the freedom that the solo show format gives me, I mean, it's a little terrifying, because sometimes I finish recording and I think, Hmm, did I just ramble for 20 minutes? And then I think, Wow, it's amazing that I can ramble for 20 minutes, and then I get feedback, saying, oh my gosh, I really like that solo show. So keep giving me feedback. It helps me not feel so rambly. And thanks also to everyone for giving feedback on the most recent interview shows last week, I had Mercedes on and we talked about family of origin and frame proof parenting. It seems like with the holidays, we all are a little sensitive to the the opinion of others. And it seems like others seem to have this full perception of permission to give us their opinion on all things parenting. So I am really glad that that show was so timely and so helpful. Today I am super excited. I am pulling a post from the live in love with joyful courage group, and this is from a mama who is relatively new to the group and showed up wanting to talk about big feelings. So I'm going to share her post, and then I'm going to speak into it. And really, I want this overarching context of today's show to really land for you and be that we all have the power and the skills to be the parent we want to be. I say this all the time to myself, to my clients, to all of you listeners, to the community, and really it's all there, you know, it seems like, and I get caught in this too, like we have this, this idea that there's something out there, there's something out there, there's there's a book, or there's a tool, or there's a, you know, program, or fill in the blank that is going to teach us How to be the parent that we want to be when, when that mom, that dad, that that connected, conscious human, already lives inside of you, we're going to evoke right we want to peel back the layers so that that parent that you want to be has space to come through and to be in its full expression. And you know, you know what I love. I talk about the power of pause and the power of relationship, the power of sharing power with the people in our life looking at the big picture. This is the content. This is the these are the pieces that I really want. You know you to take away and listen to and you hear all of these things show up in my interviews, show up on my solo shows. And if you're listening and you're thinking, Oh, okay, well, I've already heard her talk about this, I really want to challenge you. I want to challenge you every time you tune into this podcast, when you notice yourself thinking, Oh, I already know this. I want to challenge you to think, what else is here for me to learn? What else is here for me to learn? Because there's no arrival, my friends. It's all a continuous journey. And when we start to think, I already know this, we are missing some really powerful opportunities, right? So that's what I want to to just offer you as we start with this show.

All right, so this, this post comes from Mama, Carolyn, and. Here's what she wrote in with Can we talk about sharing our big feelings with our kids? My kids are two and a half and four and a half, and I don't know how to share my big feelings in front of them without freaking them out. I want to be able to be my full and authentic self with them in an age appropriate way, and I realize the fact that they are upset when I'm upset means that they are afraid of my big feelings, and may be afraid of their own big feelings. We try to welcome their big feelings in the form of tantrums and disappointment, but I think we are doing a miserable job at it. Compounding this I am someone with explosive emotions. I tend to feel things very deeply, and it takes me time to calm down. I've worked hard to make sure I don't express those emotions in a negative or scary way, but instead, I most often bottle them up, which isn't good either. So thank you, Carolyn. I just want to acknowledge the courage that you lean into in sharing this post with our community. I am and you all have heard me say this, I am so proud of the live in love with joyful courage community. It is such a beautiful, safe, supportive place for parents, and because of that, people share really vulnerably. So just huge gratitude for that. I when I read this, I am celebrating mama Carolyn's awareness. I am celebrating her desire to raise children with emotional intelligence. I am celebrating her,

her desire to be in authenticity, and it shows up in this post, and I am celebrating that Carolyn understands and wants to step into personal responsibility. Now, before I talk about this post further, I want to I want to bring up some misconceptions, like just general misconceptions that I think are prevalent in our society, and then they get in our head and they spin us out, right? And the first of these misconceptions is that it's not okay for our children to see us upset, right? It's not okay for our children to see us emotional or angry or sad or disappointed. And I don't buy that. I don't think it's true. I think it's absolutely important for us, for our children to see us upset. I think it's absolutely for our important for our children to see an entire tapestry of emotions in the healthy adults in their life. I think that when they see adults navigating emotion, it is in that model that they can start to step into navigating emotions themselves. It's really important that they see us dealing with our emotions, right? And I'm not saying like rage, you know, stomp, throw plates around the room. I'm not saying be out of control in front of your children, but I think it's really important, right? I think it's really important for us to step into emotional honesty. And sometimes it sounds like mom is really upset right now, right? Mom is really upset right now, or mama is so angry, or daddy, Daddy's feeling really disappointed, right? It's okay for them to hear and see us as upset. The other misconception is that it's not okay for our children to feel upset, right and and by that, I mean, you know, when our kids have tantrums, it always breaks my heart to hear parents talk about, you know, tantrums as a tool from manipulation or tantrums as children being naughty, well, they're just throwing a tantrum. I'm so tired of the tantrums, right? Tantrums are actually, you know, when I see a kid tantruming, I'm thinking to myself, That's all they've got left like, that's that's really the only tool in their toolbox, right? And so when we start to see tantrums as just simply our children's skills that are lacking, like from the lacking skills lens and all they've got is tantrum, they have this overwhelm of emotion, just like mama Carolyn's talking about, right, explosive emotions. Well, when you're little, not only do you have explosive emotions, but you also have no experience or tools in navigating how quickly and powerfully the flood of emotion shows up, right and then finally, the third misconception that I just want to speak into really quickly is that welcoming big feelings is the same as condone. Hurtful behavior, right? And I've said this before on the podcast, it is okay and important to feel anger. It is okay and important to feel fear and to feel disappointment and to feel joy and to feel gratitude and to feel again, all the emotions, right? And we can acknowledge, Wow, you're really angry right now, and it's not the same as condoning whatever they're doing with that anger. So your child might get angry and hit or throw or Thrash. You can say, Wow, you're really angry right now, and you're hitting, and it's not okay to hit right? So acknowledging where they're at, acknowledging their emotion, saying what you see, and then offering right, offering the expectation. Episode 60 with Sandy Blackard, I feel like I'm talking about this episode all the time, but Sandy comes from she has a program called the language of listening, and she says, you know, say what you see, state the expectation and follow it with what should we do? So it could sound like you're really you are really angry right now that did not work out the way you wanted it to, and you're hurting yourself, and it's not okay to hurt yourself. So what could you do instead right, welcoming big feelings, acknowledging emotion is not the same as condoning hurtful behavior. So that's the final misconception that I want to that I wanted to highlight. This is a powerful example this share from Carolyn of what I think is the purpose of parenting and what I believe is the purpose, right? The greater purpose of this whole parenting thing is to grow into our best selves, like, the spiritual purpose of parenting, I mean, like, like, bigger than, Oh, we're raising the next generation? Yes, we are. So do it well? Bigger than that, we are having the opportunity to grow into fuller human beings, because our children are our mirrors, right? They're not well, sometimes they show up mimicking, but that's not what I'm talking about. When I say children are mirrors, I'm saying they provide a reflection of how we affect the world around us, of what our impact is, of what we are inviting. Right? Children are mirrors, not because they mimic us, which they do, but because they offer a reflection of the impact that we have. Right? They offer a reflection often, of our areas of growth, right? And there isn't any one of you that are listening right now that don't have areas to grow in, like human beings. Human beings are constantly being invited into self growth and discovery all the way till the end. There's no end to that, right? The the child raising, the parenting journey. It's really an invitation, right? It's an invitation to recognize that we have been conditioned. Right? We have been conditioned through our our own childhood experiences, the experiences of our lives, the way that we've made meaning from the experiences of our lives. We all have conditioning that is unique to us, right? And once we recognize what our driver is, do you know what I mean by that? Like our conditioning shows up and it's the filter that we see the world out of, right? And that filter is also, I'm referring to it as the driver. And when we start to see like, Oh, it's this belief that I have, that the world is against me versus for me that is influencing how I'm showing up, once we recognize what our driver is, we can say, hey, hey driver, I'm gonna have you sit in the back seat, because I've got this. This journey is also an invitation to recognize commitment versus attachment. Right, commitment to being a connected parent, a loving parent, a conscious parent, versus attachment to what that looks like. And when we talk about attachment in this context, you know, when we get attached to what a conscious, connected, loving parent looks like, things get kind of slippery, and it's really easy to slide into perfectionism, which is no bueno or comparing ourselves to others, right? And that's not helpful. That's not helpful. So the child raising parenting journey is really this beautiful invitation to get really curious here, to start to get intimate and familiar with our lens, right? Our lens, our absolutes. They never, they always. Children should our assumptions, right? Children should. Show up this way. Parents should show up that way. You fill in the blank with the assumptions that are alive for you right recognizing commitment versus attachment. I really I'm loving this piece right here. I am committed. I can be committed to being a conscious parent, and when I think about my own experience, you know, raising the teenager and navigating the choices that are coming up and still ahead, I can be attached to what it looks like, right? Okay, you know, you can't do this. You can't do this, and if you do it, this will happen to you, right? But then, and then I, I'm in it with her, right? And she's being honest, and she's in relationship with me, and you know, all of that, what it looks like, what my plan was, my attachment to this is who I am kind of flies out the window, and I and I don't feel like I have any footing, and it gets really crazy. And in regards to the share from Mama Carolyn, so committed right? Committed to welcoming their big feelings, right? Committed to welcoming their big feelings. And then I think we do a miserable job at it. That's where I'm wondering if there's some attachment as to, what does it look like to welcome their big feelings, right? What if it isn't anything to, what if there isn't a perfect way to welcome big feelings, just a knowing that, yeah, you are mad right now, I'm going to keep you safe. I'm going to keep you safe. You are so disappointed right now. I'm

going to keep your toys safe. I'm going to keep your sister safe, right? And that's going to look however it looks in the moment. Parenting journey is unrelenting. I was going to say ruthless, but that seemed a little harsh and aggressive, right? But it is. It's unrelenting. The lessons come every day, moment to moment, and it's like peeling an onion, right? As soon as we feel like, okay, we're in a sweet spot. I got this, everything's landed. People are connected, you know, then there's a new developmental process happening, or it's they've gotten a year older, or something happens in the world or in your life that shifts the dynamics right? So the lessons keep coming. There's nowhere to arrive to right? There's no like, Oh, we're here now, even as my good friend who teaches positive discipline for teenagers, said, You know, I thought that once she left home, you know, then we'd be good to go. And her daughter's in her first year of college, and she's like, Well, do you want me to, you know, do you want me to burst your bubble now or later? So it's, it's parenting is lifelong, right? It's a lifelong journey. It looks different as they get older, but it still remains an opportunity to grow and to develop and to support and to love and to be there.

And you've heard me say the parenting journey is an opportunity to grow. I can't say this enough, right? Where are your hard edges? Where is there room for self growth? Where can flexibility show up inside of rigidity? Mama Carolyn wrote in, I'm someone with explosive emotions. Okay, okay, great awareness about yourself. And we are always evolving, right? We're always evolving. So while this mom recognizes I have some explosive emotions inside of that becomes like, okay, so what are you doing about that? Like, How are you learning? How are you growing, right? And, and you might be a parent out there who says, Well, I'm just really sarcastic, or it's just, you know, I can't stand the noise, or I just need everything to be in order. Okay? So we all have our things, right? We all have our things that when it's you know, when the world works out according to how we need it to work out, we can show up optimally however. We are also in relationship with all of these other human beings that have their own agenda, right? So I am someone with explosive emotions. Can become this launch pad of like, well, maybe it's time to teach yourself about self regulation. Maybe it's time to recognize how to notice what's happening as those emotions build and do something differently, right? We are always evolving the parenting journey. Journey allows us to question and be curious. What can we learn about ourselves? What can we practice that will be more helpful and less hurtful? How can we deliver our experience right and our emotions and be heard? How can we create a practice that honors us in our experience, while also models the life skills we want our children to one day embody right practices are unique and individual. They're unique and individual. So you've heard me talk about thinking tree on the podcast, about going into the body, using breath, getting off the emotional freight train. But there's also loads of other practices that are helpful, and the most powerful practices are the ones that you create for yourself because they fit you. You are the expert on you. So what's going to help you practice joy and practice loving and practice patience? What's going to help you practice that in the moment? Right? I'll tell you one thing that'll help you practice it in the moment is if you have a practice outside of the moment, right, which I've talked about a lot. So what are you currently doing to take care of yourself, taking care of ourselves and our own self regulation, in the end, will do more to teach our children and influence their behavior than any tool you can find in a book or on the internet. Right? You've got this, and some days you'll nail it, and some days you won't right. Some days feel like you know what I'm doing. So great over here, in this role that I play, in my work, working parent role, and things are falling apart in my relationship with my toddler, or I'm really nailing it with the teenager, but the middle schooler and I are feeling disconnected. Or, man, I've been able to really show up as you know, the house work gal, and all the laundry is done, and I've really let go of the cooking or whatever. I'm killing it as a wife, but I haven't spent any time with any of my friends or a husband, but my soul care and my self care isn't, isn't working out. So here's the thing about balance, right? Because we all have all these different roles to play. And I just today, I heard this great metaphor for balance. I like to think of the stand up paddleboard, right for balance? Because when you look at it, somebody who knows how to stand a paddleboard, and you look at them, it doesn't look like they're it doesn't look like they're moving. They're just they're just still. But actually, what's happening is there's all sorts of small tweaks happening in the muscles of the body. You just can't see it because they're subtle. Well, a friend of mine gave me another analogy, especially with this roll piece, and that is an orchestra, like thinking about an orchestra, and all the different parts, right, all the different instruments. And some times in the song, all the instruments are playing at once. And other times, some instruments are quiet while others take the lead. The pace changes, right? The melody changes, but they all work together in a flow to make the song work, right. So being okay with that flow and that flex, right? Being okay with knowing that Oh, tomorrow or next week or next month, you might have a crazy day, you might fall apart. You might forget about this whole conscious parenting practice and and get explosive and fall apart on your kids. And what are you going to do? Step up, right. Step up and recommit to the practice. Right. Recommit to the practice. Recommit to teaching yourself and being a yes to always trying to show up better for your kids. So thank you, Mama, Carolyn, and just to give like little follow up. So one of the things that I suggested to Carolyn was, Well, I'll tell you, I my response to her was I also experienced what felt like explosive tantrums with my young kids, meaning I was having them, and I found positive discipline when mine were about your age, your children's age, my tantrums were almost identical to the way my mom would explode on me when I was Young, and those would leave me feeling deeply rejected. So I'm happy you're here. This is exactly what my work is all about, helping you with what is happening for you so that you can show up better for yourself and for them. And you're right. Bottling things up is no bueno either. I'm going to offer you something. It's a video about the brain. Watch it once. That's. Watch it with your children. I invite you to follow the directions and make this common language in your home. This journey is about growing you as you support and love them through their growth. And I'm really excited to have heard back from Carolyn. She said, I've watched the video, and it has made a big difference. Thank you so much. I just keep remembering that I am that open hand like the Flipped lid at first, and I can't make decisions until I give myself some space to calm down. It's amazing how quickly I can shift into calm now, in the past, I've always felt unsuccessful at making that shift because I felt like I didn't have the time needed to calm down. So Carolyn, I'm thrilled. I'm super excited for you and your new practice. I am really, really, really grateful and honored that you are showing up in community and asking for support, and, of course, super grateful for all of you for listening. And don't forget, every single one of you out there, you've got this. You can be the parent that you want to be. Everything that you need already lives inside of you.

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Joyful courage community, you're amazing. Big thanks and love to my team, including my producer, Chris Mann at pod shaper. Be sure to join in the discussion. Over at the live in love with joyful courage group page, as well as the joyful courage business page on Facebook and Instagram. Subscribe to the show through Apple podcasts, or really, anywhere you find your favorite podcasts, you can view the current joyful courage swag over at the web page, intention, cards, bracelets. E course offers the membership program, one on one coaching. It's all waiting for you to take a look. Simply head to www dot joyful courage.com/yes. That's joyful courage.com/y. E, S, to find more support for your conscious parenting journey. Any comments or feedback about this show or any others can be sent to Casey at joyful courage.com. I personally read and respond to all the emails that come my way, reach out, take a breath, drop into your body, find the balcony seat and trust that everyone is going to be okay.