Eps 122: Shameproof Parenting with Mercedes Samudio

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Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Joy, joyful courage podcast episode 122

Hey everybody. Welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. I am your host, Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer and parent coach, and I am so glad that you are listening in special shout out to new listeners. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I hope that you enjoyed today's show, and please know that there are loads more in the back catalog for you to listen in on as well. If you find yourself laughing, taking notes and or excited about what you hear on the show today, do me a favor and pay it forward. Find just one person in your life to share this episode with your sharing is the reason that I am able to show up for you each week, and I am so honored that I get to do so today, my guest is Mercedes. Samudio. Mercedes is a parent coach who supports parents and kids to communicate with each other, manage emotional trauma, navigate social media and technology together and develop healthy parent child relationships. As a licensed clinical social worker with a private parent coaching practice, Mercedes has worked with adoptive families, foster families, teen parents, parents navigating the child protective services system and children living with mental illness. Mercedes seeks to empower parents to believe that they are already great guides for raising healthy and happy children. And little does Mercedes know, but I'm going to pick her brain about that media and technology piece because, holy cow, the struggle is real over here. Hi Mercedes, welcome to the podcast.

Speaker 1 1:48
Hey, Casey, thank you so much for having me. Please share

Casey O'Roarty 1:51
a little bit about your journey of doing what you do.

Mercedes Samudio 1:56
Yes. So I started out with doing family work and nonprofits and really working with, actually, my first population that I worked with was teen parents. So it was a really interesting journey to watch not only teens become parents, but to watch the teens parents now be grandparents, and how generational stuff kind of feeds into how we come into our parenting identities. So I did that for a really long time, got licensed, and then realized that a lot of the work that I was doing wasn't really focusing on helping the parents feel confident. And what I mean by that is that the parents, each week, you know, would try their best to do some of the things that we talked about. They would work through things, and still they were feeling a lot of resistance. They were feeling a lot of despair and not feeling very competent. And so as I began to really focus in on who I wanted to help and what I wanted to do, I realized that parent coaching was a very important piece. Because I think that little is said in the parenting world about how to become a parent, how to really kind of begin to feel confident in your parenting identity, and how to not only just be confident in your parenting identity, but be okay with the fact that that identity is going to change and evolve over the course of your time as a parent, and how to ride those waves. And so that's kind of my focus as a parent coach,

Casey O'Roarty 3:21
oh my gosh, I am so in the wave right now, and I really appreciate that, because what I'm hearing you say is really parting the curtain, right? I mean, there's so much out there for you know, three steps to be more empathetic, or five ways to connect with your child, but if we're not looking inward at, you know, conditioning and our own stories around being children, being parents, being in relationship with our parents, being in relationship with ourselves, we just continue to kind of be in the cycle of pain and suffering. Yes, yes,

Unknown Speaker 3:58
definitely.

Casey O'Roarty 3:59
So tell me about the hashtag and the parent shaming. What is that all about?

Mercedes Samudio 4:04
Yes, so that is a hashtag that I started two and a half years ago, almost three years ago, and that came about from all of the work that I was doing with parents, where, again, I was seeing parents who were understanding the concepts of conscious parenting and positive parenting and really trying to implement it into their lives. But what they were coming up against were other people's thoughts about their parenting, their family's thoughts, their other parents' thoughts in their community, other random strangers in the community's thoughts about them the media and how the media sometimes, you know, praises parents for one thing and condemns them for another thing. And then the very next week, those things get reversed, and now they're being condemned for the things they were being praised for, and being praised for the things that people said was wrong to do. And so parents were flip flopping back and forth trying to find themselves, and I felt like in all of that shame, all of that judgment, parents were really losing confidence in how they were doing this and whether they were doing it in a way that was going to produce a healthy. Human and so that's where the in parent shaming hashtag came up. And the reason why I kept going with it is because I got so much resistance from people, people who do this work, people who are in the field, who are like, well, I don't know. Shouldn't we shame them so we can change and and that's when I really started to help them understand that no one, I don't care what identity you are addressing, no one changes when they feel unsafe, when they feel shamed, when they feel judged. And so even though a parent may be doing something that you don't like, that even could be borderline abusive or full blown abusive, shaming them into changing those traits about themselves never works. It only makes them go inward more. It only makes them hide more, which again, then leaves so much room for them not to change, because now they're hiding and now you no longer know what they're doing. So in a parent shaming is kind of this huge movement, not just within the parenting community, but outside the parenting community, kind of in a societal movement to get people to really see that even if a parent is doing something you don't agree with, how to step into empathy and how to step into listening to that parent so you can really figure out where they need support.

Casey O'Roarty 6:06
Yeah, well, and I'm hearing an invitation into compassion there as well. Yes, yeah. I often, you know, for me in my work, I talk a lot about how people are doing the best they can with the tools that they have in the moment, and whether it's healing from, you know, our perception of our parents mistakes, you know, remembering that that came up in a conversation this morning with my mom, you know, and I think that so often, we already carry enough shame people we don't need, we don't need to be layering it on to people who often we have no idea what the story is. We don't know the context. We just see these headlines and it's, how dare they? How could they, you know, yes, and I think, do you ever think too, like when you see, I think it's also a defensive tactic, right? Like I can be strong in what I believe, I can validate what I believe by throwing out shame towards what you're doing, which is vast, maybe vastly different than what I'm doing.

Mercedes Samudio 7:13
Right? I agree with that 100 I think shame definitely, especially when we throw it at other people, it's definitely a defense for our own discomfort, for our own insecurity. So we see parents doing things that we weren't allowed to do, or that we've been criticized for, or we see parents do things that hurts us and that makes us fearful for the child, and so the shame becomes a way for us to protect us ourselves from that discomfort and that sorrow, but at the same time that in that protection, we might be doing more harm to that family. So I really ask people that in your discomfort to really learn how to manage that discomfort in a way that doesn't manifest itself as shame or judgment or harsh words or harsh thoughts about the family that you're seeing or the parent that you're seeing.

Casey O'Roarty 7:55
Yeah, so on your website, you mention the work of raising a human while trying to be authentically human yourself. I love that language. I love that language. What does that mean to you?

Mercedes Samudio 8:09
It means so much, and it's one of the reasons why I talk about being a parent as a parenting identity. I think so much of our society thinks that once you become a parent, it's all encompassing, and I feel like we really feed into that, especially women you know, really feed into once you become a mom, that's it. And I think that that really dismisses all of the skills and traits and things that you've learned and other aspects of your identity as well. And so when you ignore the fact that you used to, you know, have a full time job, or ignore the fact that you were a college student, or ignore the fact that you know you are a sister as well as maybe a spouse as well as maybe a friend, you ignore all of those other aspects of your identity, then what you're doing is you're really starving your parenting identity for things that are ready. You've built up skills and experience and confidence around and so what I teach my parents to do is to look at other areas of your life where you do feel confident and see if any of those skills can be brought into your relationship with yourself as well as your relationship with your child.

Casey O'Roarty 9:06
Yeah, I love that. And it's you know, my my listeners, if you've been paying attention these last few weeks, you know that I have started marriage counseling with my husband, which has been awesome. We're not in any kind of crisis everyone. We're good, just getting a little tune up, and have been navigating some rough waters with the teen. And last night at our appointment, she mentioned something, and I think this falls into this parenting identity and the different roles that are still there, but we can so often get so wrapped up in what's happening with our kids, that we stop nurturing our other relationships, and that was something she said that actually, as a tool for being in the release, the letting go, the surrendering around raising a teenager, it's going to be ever more important for my husband and I to make sure that we're taking time to focus on each other, versus. Was just laser focused on this teen experience.

Mercedes Samudio 10:04
Yes, yes. And I think, and I think you know, hearing that, thank you for sharing that. Because I think hearing that, it lets us know that there are so many other identities that honestly, if we just focus on our kids, it's so easy to feel like you're not doing it right, because your kids are constantly evolving and growing themselves and as they make mistakes, if all you're focusing is on them, all you're gonna see is mistakes. All you're gonna see is negativity. And here's the deal, your kid is supposed to be making mistakes at this point in their life. That's what they're supposed to be doing. And here's the deal, if you allow them the space to do that, and you also tap into other pieces of your identity, you don't feel so connected to how your child is living their life, you don't feel so validated or invalidated rather, from the decisions they're making, because you have so many other pieces of your identity that allow you to show your confidence, show your expertise, show where you can be strong, and maybe just your parenting identity for you know, maybe the teen years or the toddler years isn't as strong as you'd like it to be. And I say all this to say that that's okay. It's kind of part of our identity to be authentic, where some parts of our lives just aren't always going well, and other parts are. You know, as a business owner, I'll say as a business owner, there are definitely times when I'm like, Oh, I'm failing. What's going on. I should have never started a business, and that can feel really daunting. But then I look over at my marriage and I say, Well, me and I say, Well, me and my husband are communicating better. And then I look over at, you know, my colleagues and my friends, and I say, wow, I've been, you know, so filled and lifted up by having these these consultation groups and these things like that. So I can look at all the different aspects of my life and find where things maybe aren't so great, and allow that to kind of just be there and not feel like that's the only thing that's going right or wrong in my life when I can also look at the other aspects of my identity and see, okay, there are parts of my identity that are going well, that are doing right, and how can I bring what's going right over there to maybe the areas of my life that might not be as stable or might be a little shaky right now? Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 11:56
that reminds me of the practice of going up to 10,000 feet right like lifting out of, you know, the right here, right now, in the struggle, in the challenge, and you feel so trapped, yes, and you forget about everything you just said all like there's actually, I am a whole human being with all these different areas, because I'm so trapped in the current challenge, and then lifting up and out and not only seeing all these different parts of myself or a parent, seeing all the different parts of themselves, but also seeing the timeline and remembering that, like we all, we all made it out of high school despite our stories, despite the challenges and, you know, and that's where I'm definitely coming like, you know. And honestly, everyone, honestly, it's seriously been the last like, three hours that I've moved out of fear and remembered, like, wait a minute, I have practices for this, right? I know, I know how to move through this, and it's been really powerful. And I remember, you know, going back to this shame conversation, I remember some of, you know, the early years, right? Just as I just as we're kind of getting our our feet, finding our feet in parenting, and it's intense, and it's, you know, perhaps a baby and a preschooler or a toddler and a four year old or whatever. I didn't need others to shame me. I felt plenty of shame about how I treated my kids all by myself. And in fact, thinking about thinking things like, oh my gosh, I hope the windows are closed, or, oh my gosh, I'm not going to tell anyone that I just came completely unglued on my kids. And yes, and so I had my own shame conversation in my head. What are the parents that you work with say about shame, and how does it show up for them?

Mercedes Samudio 13:53
So, you know, it's really interesting that you bring that up, because one of the things that I will say is that you're not alone, right? I think every parent goes through, especially the more the more difficult age periods where they feel like they fail. They feel like they've come unglued. They have done the thing that they knew they weren't going to do, or the thing they said they were never going to do. They've done it. And so what I teach my parents about shame in that respect is that that more so looks like what you think or what expectations you set for yourself. And so what I teach my parents is that when you come to these moments where you're like, Oh, I thought I was never gonna do that, really begin to reframe what your expectations are of yourself. And the best way to do that is to look at your whole kind of person, not just your parenting identity and how you wish, as a parent, you wouldn't do that, but look at your whole self. How do you respond to things that irritates you in general, because your kid is not going to change that for you. If you've never looked at how you deal with things, when you're angry, how you deal with things when you're sad, how you deal with things when you're disappointed, how you deal with things when you're feeling really just down and out and nothing is going right. If you've never looked at that before, having a kid will not. Not just automatically change those responses for you. You've really got to do that work and say, okay, when I get angry, I need quiet. However, I have a four year old, a three year old, so I can't have quiet right now. What can I do for myself? Can I call a babysitter for an hour? Can I have somebody come over and help me so that way I don't end up, you know, going off, because for 28 years, I've always needed peace and quiet when I'm angry, instead of getting mad at yourself for that, for needing that, find somewhere in your support system, which I hope we get to talk about that finding your support in your village is so important, because in those moments, if you feel like Mercedes, I've already done this work. I know what I need when I'm sad. If you know what you need when you're having really negative, intense emotions, then you need to reach out and get that. You need to reach out and not feel guilty and not feel ashamed that you can't handle your three year old when you're on your period and you're feeling like crap and you want to just, you know, veg out. Don't feel bad about that. That's your body and your emotions telling you something's wrong. You need to get back to your your happy space. You need to get back to your equilibrium to your balance,

find your support systems. Ask someone to come over, pay $20 for an hour for someone just to come and look at them while you go in the room and sit down like don't beat yourself up about it. And if I can be really honest, I feel like more times than not, my parents know what they need. They're just so afraid and ashamed to ask for because they feel like they're being selfish. They feel like they are doing things so differently than other parents. They feel like they shouldn't need a babysitter when it's only one kid or it's only them. You know, I feel like you have to really sit down with yourself and say, What do I need and how do I make it to the next hour? How do I make it to the next day? How do I make it to nap time? Ask yourself those questions, find the answers, and then get the support you need to kind of execute those actions and execute those thoughts.

Casey O'Roarty 17:02
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Okay, I'm so excited for this next question. I because what I heard you just say was there's this, and I've you know, it comes up in my tribe as well. That. Self Care is a bottom of the list, yes, even though we all know the overused oxygen mask metaphor, yes, right? And still, it comes at the bottom of the list. And then putting on top of that, this whole decision or choosing into conscious parenting and positive parenting. And as I listen to you say that, it occurred to me that there is this mistaken idea, and I don't know that I've actually ever heard it articulated, but all it's just kind of coming to me right now that if I choose to be a conscious parent, somehow that shouldn't be hard, yes, or somehow I should be able to do this, because this is simply connecting with and loving my child. And if I can't do that, what does that mean? What does that mean about me? God,

Mercedes Samudio 20:49
yes. And here's, here's the deal. This is why I wrote Shane poop parenting, because I think that's the kind of thought process that comes with almost every parenting fad and every parenting kind of theory that comes out, which is, if you choose to do this type of parenting, you should know what you're doing, read the book, go to the seminars, get the certification. Boom, you got it. And I think that is the most erroneous thing to think and because here's the deal, because there's not a single other theory that goes that way, like when you learn math, if you just learn how to count, you wouldn't know how to add. So just because we know how to teach we teach kids how to count, it doesn't mean they automatically understand math, right? We have there's so many layers to understanding how to first understand the theory, understand the strategies you want, and then implementing them in your life in a way that's unique to how you process the world. So many people take on conscious parenting, and they're not conscious people, like in general, they're not even conscious people. Or so many people say, I'm going to do non violent parenting, but there's someone who, when they get angry, they rage, and they're very violent, you know? And it doesn't mean you can't do these things. It just means you need to look at how does this theory or this set of strategies fit with who I am? And if it doesn't fit, am I willing to do the work first, to move into consciousness first, before I can then begin to do conscious parenting? And I think that we need to talk about that more and really bring that to the forefront of all of our parenting stuff. The same with shame proof parenting, whereas, if you're someone who tends to find shame and fault in everything you do, shame proof parenting is going to be hard because it's going to ask you to look at the shame, reset these stories, retell these stories, find a new narrative, and then move into shame proof parenting. It's not just saying all of a sudden, stop judging other parents and yourself. You can't do that. You've really got to say, Okay, why do I judge other parents? Well, I tend to judge Casey because I think she's got it all together. She's got a podcast and a private practice, and, you know, she's doing so great. So I judge her. That's how you feel. Start there, start there, and say, Okay, why do I judge her? Well, I kind of wanted that, you know, I wish I hadn't had a kid, because then I would have done my private practice and finished my hours like really talking to all of that stuff, get all that stuff out, and then say, Okay, now that I've looked at all these places of my life where shame kind of comes up and bubbles up, now I can look at how to retell these stories, retell these narratives, and then move into shame proof parenting.

Casey O'Roarty 23:10
Do you find that people are attached to their shame? Yes, yes,

Mercedes Samudio 23:15
it feels good. You're used to it. You know these stories backwards and forward, you know. And I feel that way. And as a you know, a therapist, a fellow therapist, you understand this too, is that no matter how damaging those stories are to us, they feel familiar, they feel safe, you know. So it's really important that, as I work with parents, that first I understand those stories. Where did they come from? Where did they start? You know, where do you where do they come up the most. Like for me, I know that my stories about childhood come up the most around failure. Anytime I'm about to fail, or anytime I fail, all those old stories come back up about how I shouldn't have tried in the first place. I was this, I was that. And so I know where these stories tend to come up, and I try to teach my parents first, don't try to change them yet first figure out when they come up. Do they come up every time you mess up as a parent? Do they come up every time you're trying to start a new parenting strategy, and you don't think it'll work, like, where do these stories come up first? Figure that out first. You can't change it until you figure it out. That's why the first step in any AA or an Anonymous meeting is you first have to admit there's a problem drinking. If you don't think you don't think you have a drinking problem, you know. And so I tell my parents, you can't change your parenting strategies until you figure out, where are these stories coming up for me? Where am I finding, you know, the most shame in my parenting. And I'll say this 10 times out of 10, and I really mean this. I might be exaggerating, but I know I'm not. The stories about our parent identity have nothing to do with our children or our parenting, it usually comes from all the ideas that we have about ourselves, that we have, or however many years we've been alive before we become parents. So if you don't become a parent until your late 20s, that means you've got 20 something years of stories that you've been telling yourself about yourself. Becoming a parent does not erase those stories. It. Anything. It magnifies them, because you've got another human standing there poking at those stories, saying, Oh, mom, doesn't that make you angry? Oh, Dad, doesn't that don't you remember when your dad told you you couldn't do this? Like your kids are gonna poke at those stories, especially if you're not aware of them, especially if you don't know where they they continue to show up in your life.

Casey O'Roarty 25:17
Yeah. I mean, I think that the word triggered is thrown around a lot in parenting. And I just want to, like, be really clear with people you mentioned, you know, figuring out what your stories are like, figuring out what it is you mentioned failure. For me, it's feelings of rejection and and once you realize that, because, yeah, they're poking at your story, but they're poking at your story, but it looks like defiance, or it looks like a big old eye roll, or it looks like, you know, storming off, and then you're triggered, and this overwhelming body experience filling with emotion, and then you're running your mouth and later on feeling bad about it. So you know, just for listeners sake, like, that's really what we're talking about here. And I love, I'm a total personal development junkie. I'm like, self help, okay? And I mean, there is just that. I just feel like this is absolutely the purpose of our children, like why they picked us, that's why they picked us, is because they're they're here to help to to drive us yes to growing and recognizing those stories and beliefs that we've decided are true, right? Yes, and re looking at it's an opportunity, right? Not everybody says, Oh, great, yeah, I want to grow, but if we're willing, it's an amazingly powerful opportunity and personal growth and development. I love it. So you mentioned that people change and maintain that change in a space that does not have shame or judgment, right? So I work with an amazing group of parents in my membership program, and right now there is conversation around family. We call it family of origin, right? The people that we were born to, who are unsupportive in their in their parenting choices. So how do we and you know, there are people that that, that these parents, they they want to maintain relationship, right, but they're struggling, and so how do they clear their space of shame and judgment when we can't control the actions or the opinions of others?

Mercedes Samudio 27:35
You know, I think that this is a very two layer, or maybe even a multi layer question, so I'll try to answer it as succinctly as I can. But the idea about family of origin is that you have to kind of tackle that first before you can tackle how these people affect your parenting. So let's just say your parents and your siblings, right? Let's just use them as the people that you're kind of always around every holiday, every vacation. You're always seeing them. What I would really what I usually teach my parents to do first is to write down why these relationships matter to you, not as a parent, just to you. Just why do they Why do you have to still have relationship with your mom? Why does your relationship with your dad matter? Why do you still call your sister or answer her phone? Why do you still have your brother on your Facebook? Tell me why, and as they begin to a lot of my parents as they began to explain these questions. It's funny how sometimes we don't always know we've lost so much connection with our own family of origin, because of the stories, because of the trauma, because of the narrative that we've had with them, that we don't know why sometimes we still are connected to these people. And so when you figure that out, if you realize, and I'm gonna take the positive note here, if you realize that, yes, I'm still connected to my mom, because I love her stories. You know, I love what she shares with me. I love her and her wisdom. I love being around her. I still answer my brother's text because, you know, he's so funny. He's always there. He always gives me a helping hand, no matter when I ask him to come watch the kids. He's like, Yes, I'll do it. If these are the reasons why you're still connected to these people. Then sit with those people and say, just that. Mom, you know, I really love how you share all of your life wisdom with me. I don't think I could have gotten through my first year of being a new mom without your life wisdom. But can I share with you some things that we're moving towards? We're moving towards conscious parenting. Mom, do you know what that is? Well, no, I've heard about it. Well, Mom, this is what it is. It's blah blah, blah, blah, blah. These are some of the things we're going to do, and I would love for you, even though you may not have wisdom and knowledge about these areas, I would love for you to still share with me what you know about parenting, but understand that if it's not in alignment with conscious parenting, I may not take that advice at that moment, or it may take me a while to learn how to weave it into what conscious parenting is for my family. Are you okay with that? Can we? Can we see how this works for us? And the reason why I share that is because it's letting your mom know, first and foremost, we're still connected because of X, Y and Z. I need you to know that, Mom, I need you to know that I still come over, I still have the kids over, blah, blah, blah, because of this. Be. Specific about it, and then let your parent, let your family know where you're moving into. Give them the space to say, hey, that's disappointing. You know, I didn't know that. I don't know what that is. I don't know how to help you give them that space. But also let them know that if they can't help that's totally fine. It doesn't mean that they can never come around and they can never share advice. It just means that the advice you're going to share with me, I might not always take right away, or it may take me and my family a while to figure out how it works with the parenting strategies or the parenting philosophy that we've now adopted. And that gives, I think, so much empowerment to both you as a parent and the people who you still want to be connected to, and it gives them space to say, well, I don't know what that is. You know, especially our parents. Our parents don't know what half of this stuff is, because all this stuff is really new research that's come over the last 20 years. So a lot of our parents don't know what nonviolent parenting is, or conscious parenting. A lot of them don't understand it, but what they do understand is your desire to raise a healthy kid, because they have that desire for you, and so you want to connect with them on that level.

Casey O'Roarty 31:00
I love that. It reminds me of, you know, a parenting tool that we talk about in positive discipline, which is connect before correct, you know. And that's really what I'm hearing you say, is connecting with, you know, once you've kind of identified why you want to maintain relationship, yeah, then you can speak into it, and then open up the space for and here's how you can continue to support me. Yes, so what about when? So you took the positive road. So what's your advice when, you know, when we look at that question of, why do these relationships matter? And you know, and and a lot of my parents are really struggling. And I think about geography too. My family, I live in Washington State, and my family all lives in Southern California, right? So any areas of like disconnect, I really don't feel the sting of it, because they're so far away. And a lot of these parents, like they all live in the same town,

Mercedes Samudio 32:02
yes, yes. So here's the reason why, with the positive route, is because it's actually the same exact way you do it. When things are negative, you sit down with yourself and you ask yourself, and you get very honest, why am I still connected to this person? So let's just say it's your sibling who you guys have never had a good relationship from. This is the time both of you guys have been in this world. You've always fought. She's always been jealous of you. You've always been jealous of her. You've always had anger. You know that your parents like her more. It's like just so much stuff, right? Sit down with yourself and be real honest and say, Why am I still talking to my sister? Why am I why does she still get to come over? Why do I still answer her calls? If it's nothing that you feel is positive and uplifting, meaning the only reason why you're doing it is because your parents asked you guys to always stick around, and now both your parents are passed on, or your parents really love seeing you two together. You have to actually sit down with the people who are involved with that thought process and explain to them why you guys are so connected and how you're gonna you maybe have to disconnect at certain areas. It doesn't mean you'll never come around. It just means that unless we're at Christmas or Fourth of July, I'll probably be at my home. You know, if you want to talk to me, give them a really sound way how to connect with you. If you call me, probably won't answer if you email me, I'll probably answer you within two days, depending on what's going on in my house. You know, be honest, say, Mom, I know you've always wanted Casey and I to be together, but Casey and I don't always see eye to eye on parenting. Casey believes in, you know, free range parenting, I believe. And, you know, really, you know, helicopter parenting. And I'm being completely facetious here, just just to, like, kind of add some lightness to it, yeah. And so it's really hard for Casey and I to really connect, mom. So yes, we'll come to your, you know, your tea and brunch on Sunday, but after that, I'm gonna go home. I'm not gonna stay around, yeah, you know, and your parents and the people involved are gonna be hurt, and you have to allow them to be hurt. You can't change that. When you set a boundary, people, depending on that relationship, may not always like it, and you have to, if you can talk into that. I know this sucks. I know after, you know, church, we usually go out to brunch, but I really can't do that anymore, because I really need to just get back home and fill my bucket so I can be prepared for my family for the next week. I don't mind going to x with you guys, but I won't do this. I don't mind coming to x, y event. However, me and my family are going to leave a little early. I think sometimes we're scared to set those boundaries because of the backlash, but you have to understand that when you set that boundary, it's not about them, it's about you keeping your bucket full for your family. And if you're really conscious about that, if you're like, I really want to keep my bucket full for my family. I really don't want to be able to blow up on them because my sister pissed me off. So now I have to go home, and then my kids homework isn't done, and then, yeah, you know, it's too much stuff for yourself. Say, I rather just deal with me and my family. Say that to yourself first, and then look at ways where, again, if you need to still be connected to these people, say, I can go to church with them, but I'm not going over for Sunday dinner. I can go to fourth of July barbecue, but we won't be going to the Veterans Day barbecue. Like, you know, like, pick and choose the different things where you. Want to be a part of the family, just so you can say you're doing it, but at the same time, understand that it's really important that you set a boundary and allow your family to be angry, allow them to do the things that they need. But

if I can be blunt with you, if you tell your family that, and they begin to be more of an asshole to forgive my friends, but they begin to be okay. That kind of allows you to see okay. Maybe I need this boundary. Maybe it's very important that I have this boundary, because they're showing me that unless I'm doing what they want, I'm not going to be respected, I'm not going to be treated and if you're not respected and treated well, then how do you have the space to give your family, your partner, your co parent, your kids, anything if you're constantly being beat up and broken down, that doesn't make any sense. Like if your family shows you that I'm not saying judge your family. They are on their own journey. They're doing what they think is best to keep you in their life. But you have to set that boundary, and if they can't handle it, I have to be really blunt here and say, then that's on them, because as a parent, you do have to look at, how do I keep myself full? How do I keep myself grounded? So when my kids go haywire and they will, you have space to say, I don't have to yell at my kids because I have space. I don't have to fight with my kids because we're not going to Grandma's anymore, and they don't have to be on their best behavior to make Grandma happy. We know how to manage our tantrums at our home. We know how to do these things right,

Casey O'Roarty 36:26
right? Tell me about let's go back to support systems. Yes, yes. Tell me about

Speaker 1 36:34
that. In the book, I talk about how to create your

Casey O'Roarty 36:37
own way in the book, tell us about your book. Oh, sorry. So

Mercedes Samudio 36:41
the book is called shame proof parenting. And the book kind of talks about my philosophy around how to manage shame, how to acknowledge shame, and then how to recreate stories for yourself in your your family, so you can kind of reduce the amount of shame and how it affects you and your family. Great,

Casey O'Roarty 36:57
awesome. And we'll put a link in the show notes as to where the listeners where you can get Mercedes book? Yes, thank

Mercedes Samudio 37:03
you for that. Yeah. So kind of towards the end of the book, after I've talked about the philosophy I began to share with my readers, how do you now create a shame proof parenting village, pretty much. And what that looks like is kind of what we talked about earlier in this conversation, where you start off asking yourself, what do you need? And sometimes we don't always need our parenting identity to always be replenished. You know, I was talking to a mom the other day who was like, I can't wait to get back to being a yoga instructor. And I said, Why do you have to wait? And she's like, Well, my kids two and three. I was like, Have you ever thought about doing yoga with parents of two and three year olds? You already know how to teach yoga. So have you ever thought about doing that? And she's like, well, I don't have a studio. I was like, you have a house, you have an apartment, you have a park, you know, you have all these different places. Start a meet up and see if there are other moms in that area who, again, would love to have a yoga instructor, but again, just like you don't want to take their three year old for them. And about two or three weeks later, she texted me saying she started a meetup. About three or four moms came with other people, signing up, wanting to come in the weeks prior to that and how she just found a park, had people bring their stuff, and that's what they did. They brought all their baby cups. They brought their sippy cups. They have time to do yoga with their babies. They have time to breastfeed if they need to, like everyone could be there, and it doesn't have to be this stuffy studio where everyone's perfect and babies aren't crying. It's just this way for her to still tap into her yoga instructing that she loved doing, and still tap into her being a mom and offering that service for other moms. And so I use that story to say that there are certain parts of your identity that also need to be replenished once you become a parent, and you will have to use that as your support too. That's what you have to look into when you're looking at, how do I build my support, not just with other parents, but non parents, other people in your life, your career, the people in your career, right? We're both therapists. So if I need to have a therapist group that I go to at least once a month, put that as part of your support system. Put that as part of a way to replenish parts of your identity. But don't just limit yourself to other parents, and don't tell yourself that you have to wait until your kid gets XYZ age to get back to certain things. Really look at what do I need right now, and how can I bring that into my life? How can I kind of cast this net out into the world, and thank God for the internet, because the internet because the internet allows us to connect to so many people, you know, and just say, hey, I need to talk to an adult. I can't leave yet, but I know that I can go on to Facebook, start a group, and we can talk. We can get on Skype, we can get on Zoom and just talk. I can have my zoom up while my baby's playing around, and I could be talking to another parent. You know, these are ways that you can really begin to build up a village that isn't so rigid, right? It's very fluid. It's very open. It's this kind of idea where a shampoo village, to me, is this idea where when you need something, you look out into your community, into your village, and say, What have I set up to meet this need? And if I haven't set anything up, how can. In I set that up to meet that need.

Casey O'Roarty 40:03
I love that, and I love the I love that. It just what you were just describing. You know, we identify. You've identified so many barriers. I think that parents, you know, see them as permanent barriers, like my child, and I fell into that too when my kids were little like my they're too little. I can't do that. I'll do it one and it doesn't have to and then the you know, we look over and we read stories about, like, I have really good friends who live part time on their sailboat with their four and seven year old. And I'm like, Oh my God, yes, thank you for doing that. Because I cannot get in my head about the things that we can't do when you are spending, like, four or five months at a time on a sailboat with your two small kids, like, I just there's no room for me to have my barriers when you're able to do that, not because she's, you know this, they're these magical people. They're just regular people who've said yes and just decided that the barriers don't exist, right? And I'll

Mercedes Samudio 41:00
reframe, I'll reframe that a bit. I think the barriers do exist. They're real, but you have to sit out and think, Okay, how do I overcome them? This is hard for me, right? I am a mom who, okay, I'll give an example of another mom I worked with maybe two or three years ago where her kid really had a hard time with social and stuff her like, the mom was very social. She loved going to stuff. She wanted to do a lot of stuff, but the kid just couldn't deal with a lot all at once. The baby couldn't go to mommy and me group because it was too much, too many other kids, too much going on. The baby didn't really like going to the park again. Too much going on, too many things going on. And so I asked the mom, I said, Are there two or three people that your baby really does like or has been around that you can invite over to your home, and you'd feel okay with that. It doesn't have to be a play, babe. They don't have to bring their kids if they don't have kids, and it doesn't have to be other parents. But are there people in your life who you know, right? You like to socialize with, and they've been around your kid, or your kid has seen them and doesn't get too fretful? And she was like, yeah, they are. And I said, so is there any way that you can maybe have those people come over, don't clean up, don't worry about it, just have them come over and see if they don't mind watching TV with you, if they don't mind, you know, playing with the baby, or having the baby walk around. And she said, Well, I don't know who would be okay with it. I don't know this. And I said, I agree with you. You don't know. You won't know until you ask those people invite them. Make an invite, make a Facebook event, make it like it's a cool event, and then invite people over, who you think again will be able to tolerate if your baby does start crying, who will be able to kind of understand if your baby can't, you know, tolerate this or that? And she said, can I just do two people? I was like, do it. A month after that, she had done it, right? She had done it. She had invited them. She sent them invites and stuff like, made it a real event, like I said. And then she they came over, and again, the baby was really okay. The one person had a kid that was about four that the baby was totally okay with, because it was one kid. The other person was not a parent who just bought over wine for everybody, and they just kind of sat around. The four year old really bonded with her baby, and was able to kind of keep the baby occupied while the parents were sitting in the room talking, and she was like, I would have never thought to do that. I thought that I had to do all these mommy and me things and be all, you know, give my baby all these things, and your baby just didn't like it. She was too much overstimulation. But for you just to bring in two people into your life who, again, don't upset your baby, who was not too overstimulating for her now, gave you at least once a week, or once every time you want to do that, just two people that you know are part of that, that shame proof support village, that shame always call, you know, it's like small stuff, and I say that to say that it can be being on a boat with your two kids for four months, or it can be just knowing that there are two or three people who can come over to the house. Don't care that it's a mess. Don't mind bringing over food and wine. Don't mind doing that and just sitting at home with me. If you find some kind of, you know, kind of happy medium between the most simple or the most extravagant, that's how you develop your shame proof village, right? You look at the barriers, you say, this sucks. How do I overcome this? And then you begin to look out to your world and figure out, how do I do this? How do I allow myself to meet the goals that I have and get to where I want to get to and still, at the same time be the parent I want

Casey O'Roarty 44:11
to be nice. Yes, I love that. So in the context of shame, free parenting, Mercedes, what does joyful courage mean to you?

Mercedes Samudio 44:22
Oh, I love that. I love the idea that I think for me, it means being able to find joy even in the times when you feel that it's not happening. You're not doing everything right. You're feeling really down, but being able to look at yourself and say, You know what? I'm still getting up every morning. You know I'm still showing up every day. If you can find those moments, just to give yourself some type of praise, I'm still showing up. You know, we made it through. Everyone was a complete mess, but we made it from the morning to the night, and we're all still here. And I can kiss my kids Good night, and I can kiss my spouse goodnight and go to bed if that happened today, good, joyful, courage. You did it. You had the. Courage to get through the day, and you found at least one thing that you could say, I feel joyful about

Casey O'Roarty 45:06
Thank you. I love asking my guests that question. Makes me so happy. Where can listeners find you and follow your work?

Mercedes Samudio 45:14
So the best place to start is my website, shameproofparenting.com on there, you'll find links to my book, to my blog, to my YouTube show the family couch, as well as all of my social media links. So if you want to follow me on social media, you can start

Casey O'Roarty 45:29
later. Awesome, perfect. Well, I will make sure that that is in the show notes so listeners, you can find links to Mercedes there. And thank you so much for coming on and for the work that you do out in the world, I really appreciate you.

Unknown Speaker 45:43
Thank you so much for having me on

Casey O'Roarty 45:49
another great conversation. Thank you again to Mercedes for coming on the show. So great to have her. You all can catch me on her show the family couch in 2018 I will be sure to share the link to that on all of my social media sites, so I will keep you informed on when you can catch me there. And speaking of social media, are you following joyful courage on Facebook and Instagram? Do you know that you can join in discussion about this show and other episodes in the live in love with joyful courage discussion group on Facebook. Come over. It's one of those groups where you have to ask to join. So you just search, live in love with joyful courage. Click the Join button. There's three little questions, just to filter out some of the crazies that are out there on social media, answer the questions and you're in. It's also a really safe place to ask for support, to share celebrations, to encourage others who are on this collective conscious parenting journey Come play with us. It's also somewhere where I share articles and other people short articles, inspirational memes and videos that we find that are supporting, that are supportive, right? So, head on in there, head on in there. And Tis the season to be checking out the joyful courage shop. Go over to the website, and you'll see that I have intention cards, which are the decks of cards, 31 cards, and the back of each card is a different word or phrase that is designed to inspire you in your practice of conscious parenting. You can use the cards however you want. You can draw two a day, one a day, one a week. You can carry it around with you all day long to remind you of that intention. You can put it on the refrigerator to remind everyone in the family of that intention. However you want to use the cards, my inspiration in creating them was simply to give you a tool that was helpful to remind you about that practice. Right? That practice of showing up as your best self is of stretching into that way of being that is going to be the most supportive for you and your family. I also have a ton of intention bracelets right now in the shop. I've got trust, pause, breathe, surrender and kindness. So if you like to wear your intention, if you like to wear your reminders to practice. This is a great way to do it. These bracelets are so sweet. They're so sweet. They're made by my friend Antonia, handmade just for our community. I would love for you to check it out. Just go over to www.joyfulcurge.com, and you'll see in the navigation bar the word shop. Click on shop, you'll get a drop down menu. You can check out what is available for you there. So fun, so fun. And speaking of the best version of yourself, I'm here to say to invite you, to encourage you into committing to the 2018 membership program. There is a super great deal happening the entire month of December. I had said, I think last week, that it was only going to run through mid December, but I'm going to, I'm going to do it the entire month, 15% off the price of the six or 12 month program, 15% off the price. This is such a great deal. This is such a huge, powerful commitment to really doing the work of shifting in your practice. One of the current members wrote to me and shared being a part of this tribe has filled a void for me. I now know this parenting journey is a practice, not something to perfect. Casey breaks things down and explains in a way that is easy to understand and then put into practice. And this is so much more than just parenting. So the cool thing about this program, this membership. Yes is yes. There's the tools, right? There's the parenting piece, how to be a better parent piece. But also there's this amazing community of people who, over this last year, we've become so close, and everybody is so supportive of each other. And it's just this daily checking in. It's this daily practice. It's this daily place where we can say, hey, I need support around this. I'm really, I'm really working on the connecting. And here's where I'm getting stuck. And it's this community. It's this place that if you're willing to go there, we are willing to meet you there. And it, I mean, I this is the end of 2017 This is the first year that I've done the membership. And I'm floored by what a powerful experience it's been. And I'm so excited for 2018 I have had a couple people reach out to me via email and ask about payment plans. So you won't see anywhere on the website that talks about payment plans. But I do want to say for you, those of you that are listening that are thinking, wow, that's a big chunk of money to give up right at once. If you want to reach out to me, Casey at joyful courage.com and let me know that you would be interested in looking at a payment plan. We can talk about that. I'm open to discussing that. So if that's what's holding you back, shoot me an email. We'll talk about it. If you are ready to go, if you are ready for action, if you're ready for 2018 to be the best year ever in parenting, then you can head right over to joyful courage.com/living-jc. Joyful courage.com/living-jc, and you can register right now. Super awesome. So grateful for each and every one of you. Really grateful to those of you that are new listeners. Welcome. I hope that you listen to other shows as well. There's a ton to choose from, and they're all well. Well, I think they're all amazing. You'll get to decide for yourself, but thank you for stopping in and all of you that listen every week that tell me that come back and say I'm going to listen to that one again, or or I went back and listened to one of the earlier ones and took so much more away. Thank you. Thank you, my loyal listeners. I so so appreciate you. Thank you to my producer, Chris Mann, for his part in making this a great show. My guest, Mercedes. Thank you, all of you remember that you are not alone. This is a collective experience. I will be back next week with a brand new solo show, looking forward to it for now.

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