Eps 119: Solo Show – Deconstructing Natural Consequences and Personal Responsibility

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Hey everybody, I am jumping in here pre show to make a dedication. I received an email this week from a listener, and I think it's really important for me to address it here on the show. So that's what I'm going to do. And this podcast episode is dedicated to this listener. Hi, Casey, I love your podcast. I work hard every day to be a more conscious parent for my eight year old son and my six year old daughter, and your content helps me do that. There are moments in your podcast when I feel like a guy who accidentally walked into the ladies restroom. Your latest show about how we need to nurture the emotions in our sons was great. Your work nurtures adult men already. Buckle up for a second. I'm not trolling you, and I know critique is no fun. I hear you say mamas and other references to your audience, as if the whole audience is female. When this happens, I get some internal reaction almost every time of exclusion. It feels like fathers are out of their lane listening to your content. Maybe it's part of your marketing. Maybe it's totally unintentional. Maybe this feedback is a real shock. This email is not intended to be cruel. I just wanted to provide feedback for something that might be a blind spot, and I hope I don't get that feeling again the next time I listened peacefully a conscious dad, oh my gosh. I read this and I was immediately filled with gratitude. We don't always know what our blind spots are, right? And I don't hear from dads too much. I have a have had a couple of clients that are fathers, but mostly all of the feedback that I get are from moms. Most all of the conversation that's happening in the Facebook group is amongst moms. So I just totally started to speak to my audience as if they were all female. He's absolutely right. And so this show is dedicated to this Dad, this dad who had the courage and the thought to reach out to me and say, Hey, you might want to think about this, and I'm so grateful that he did. So yes, this show is dedicated to this dad, and this show is dedicated to all of you dads out there who are listening to the joyful courage podcast. I know there's more than one. I know that mostly you listeners are women, and I'm going to take this information, I'm going to take this feedback, and I'm going to really put it to use and be more inclusive in my language. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you conscious dad for reaching out to me. Thank you to everyone who listens. And yeah, on with the show,

joyful courage, parenting podcast episode 119

Hey everybody, welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the conscious parenting journey. I am your host, Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer, parent coach, mom of two, I am thrilled that you are listening in if you are a new listener, welcome. Welcome. I'm so glad that you found yourself here and that you're taking time to check in and check it out. This is a space of love and support, a place where you will hear vulnerability and authenticity and transparency, those are all things that I am consciously bringing to the show, always trying to share the wonders and wobbles of walking my talk, especially on these solo shows. So new listeners, thanks for being here and old listeners, you're not old, but I so appreciate you. I am so grateful to those of you that are dedicated to listening to this show, that give me feedback, that offer me ideas for future guests. You know who you are. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for your loyalty to me, to this work. I so So, so appreciate you. If you find yourself laughing or taking notes or excited about what you hear on the show today, do me a favor and pay it forward. Share it you guys. Share it with the people. Share it with your friends. Friends, your neighbors, your family members, just you know, let them know that you have found something that lands with you, something that matters, something that is making you feel really solid and hopeful and inspired in your parenting journey, if that's the experience you're having, and let them know about it, send them the link. Show them how to find podcasts on their phone. Help them out. Your sharing is the reason that I'm able to show up for you each week, and I am so, so honored that I get to do so. And as you heard me mention, this week is a solo show, so it's just me, just me, and I feel like I'm finally able to exhale. It's been a crazy couple of months. I completed three different mother's journey workshops, so I was in Seattle, Boise and Portland this fall. Oh my gosh, so beautiful. So grateful to everyone that circled up, all the moms that said yes to themselves, yes to their families, recognize that the investment of time and money mattered, that the exchange was valuable. They walked in. Some of those mamas walked in feeling hopeless, defeated, exhausted. Some mamas spoke about really, feeling unseen, feeling like, you know, this parenting gig was not what they thought, what they were signing up for. We meditated, we we challenged ourselves and the assumptions that we've been making. We looked at self talk, we practiced encouragement, we moved around the room, found our dancing feet and man, these mamas, they transformed. They chose in they were vulnerable. They held space for each other to be deeply authentic, and at the end of each day, everyone felt more alive, more inspired, more hopeful, more grounded, more peaceful. It was really beautiful, and I'm so excited to see where mother's journey takes me in 2018 I'm already in talks to bring it down to Orange County, perhaps I'm going to be in East Hampton, Massachusetts. There is also a community of people in St Paul, Minnesota that want to bring it out. If you are thinking, Wait a minute, I want you to come to my community. Shoot me an email. Casey at joyful courage.com, and let me know. And I'll let you know what it takes and how we can work together to bring this work straight into your community. I would love that the other thing, the other thing that has been going on is I work for a company called boldly embody life. You can find it at boldly and bodylife.com I mentioned it. I've mentioned it a few times on the podcast, specifically my mentor and friend, who's the owner of the company, Krista petty Ramer, she's actually been a podcast guest here, and this fall, one of the other things that I've done was I got to do the workshop called grace for women, and it is Through Belle through boldly and body life. And it's a two and a half day transformation workshop. All women so powerful, really. It's like was like the fourth or fifth grace that I had been to. And at every time, it just lands deeper and deeper and deeper. And this time, my friend Mary Jo lorai, shout out to my friend Mary, Jo was the facilitator, and, you know, it just really solidified my practice of trust and surrender. I talk a lot about that on the podcast, trust and surrender, right? We talk about it like, as I'm saying this, my hands are literally on my head. We talk about it. We get it in our head, landing it in our heart, like really feeling it in the moment that we need it. Man, that's a practice, isn't it? That's a practice. And so my time in the grace room really helped me again, peel back more layers there. And then this last weekend, oh my gosh, I am a coach for Belle. Belle has a program called Elevate, which is this incredible immersive coaching and facilitation program. And we get together three times a year, all together the community and learn and develop and again, again and again. My trust and surrender practice was elevated. We got to participate in an activity around navigating the unknown, and it was so powerful for me, particularly. And you have no you know, my stories I've been sharing with all of you about the teen the teen angst drama slash experience that I'm having this. Fall, and it's really awesome, right? It's really good. Things have been really great. Something that I got to practice this weekend was an activity where we were requested to trust and to step into the unknown and and and literally navigate it like literally, without seeing where we were moving around the room and really choosing into trust, really just choosing into trust and and in the end, we got to do some journal writing after this experience. And something that really showed up for me is that when I am a yes to trust, when I'm choosing in as a yes, like yes, I'm in Yes, I will trust, surrender is already there, surrender and presence is already there. And that was a super powerful learning for me, right? I mean, and this goes back to some of the stuff that showed up in the mother's journey circles. Like we have this idea of what parenting is going to be, and then we have the reality of parenting, and sometimes that reality bumps up against our expectations. There are certain periods of parenting, I think it's different for everyone, every child, but there are periods of parenting that are really intense, that are really intense, and that's just part of the show, right? That's part of the gig. And when we can choose into it, instead of like, the alternative to choosing in right, is being in resistance. And I noticed my own personal dance around choosing in versus resistance in these last couple of months, when we can choose in and just trust that it's exactly as it should be, with all the highs and all the lows and all the eye rolls and all the tantrums from both sides, trust that this is exactly how it should be choose in

that practice of surrender and being present just opens up, opens up, and it's just amazing. And yeah, yeah. So I feel like I'm kind of on the the downhill slope, because I had five different weekends this fall that I was just out and gone, and simultaneously, I had these two children that were transitioning into really new, different environments. My you know, my daughter into high school, my son into middle school. I'm traveling. My husband went down to California to help with the aftermath of the Firestorm. He was gone. It was just really all of these things happening at once, right? All of these things happening at once, and it felt really crazy there, as I'm sure that you heard some of my solo episodes, but we're on the other side of that. And actually what's currently alive is I am visioning for 2018 I am visioning big time, and I'm so excited for everything that I'm gonna make available to this community, for all the ways that the podcast is really gonna as my good friend and fellow podcaster, Elsie Escobar, says, The podcast is the holder of the ecosystem that is joyful courage, and I'm just super excited for the things that will be unfolding as We carry on together. So yeah, yes, I'm stoked, and I can't wait to let you in on it. So stick around, because towards the end of today's show, I'm going to share, you know, the beginnings of that there's some really exciting things currently available on my website. I want you to know about it, and all the places where you can keep in touch with me that's coming at the end. So stick around, stick around, so you can hear more about it. And now I just want to tell you a little bit about today's sponsor. Have you heard of love pop? So love pops are these beautiful laser cut, hand assembled 3d cards that are designed to surprise and delight the receiver. They are the kind of cards that also count as gifts. Their purpose is to create a moment of connection between you and the people that you love. I have a couple of love pops that I'm sending out in the coming week. One is called snowy owl, and it'll be such a fun surprise and loved by a woodsy friend of mine who has a deep connection with Mother Earth and all of her creatures. It's so sweet and delicate. On the front of the card is just a super basic outline of the face of an owl. And when you open it up, the most beautifully detailed little bird, it just lifts up and off the page, I know. Know that my friend is going to get all warm and fuzzy when she sees it. And the other card that's ready to go is called, well, I'm going to wait till after Thanksgiving, but it's called Christmas tree Village, and I'm sending this one to my mom, so hopefully she's not listening. I know she's going to get so excited. The front is a single lamppost with some snow on it. And again, when you open the card, you see this lovely tree rise right up out of the middle of the card with this sweet little village that grows behind it. These cards are thoughtful and classy, super simple and exquisite. For listeners of this show, love pop is offering a special price for five or more cards and free shipping on any order by going to love pop.com/joyful again, listeners will enjoy discounted pricing when you buy five or more cards and free shipping on any order just by going to www dot love pop.com/joyful the link is also going to be on the show notes. Thank you so much for your support. Love pop listeners, check it out.

All right. So the main content today, what I really want to talk about today, is personal responsibility and natural consequences. So, you know, it's really interesting. It's really hard. I think I don't think it's interesting. I think it can be challenging to talk about parenting without talking about consequences. And I think that we all have our own ideas about, like, the distinctions between what's punishment, what's a consequence, what's a natural consequence. And so I'm going to just be really clear about what I'm talking what I'm talking about in this show when I'm speaking into natural consequences. So for the sake of this conversation, natural consequences are what happens when we stay out of the way, right? So natural consequences occur when we don't get in the way, when we let things unfold, right? We let things unfold. So that's what I'm talking about with natural consequences, and we're gonna talk more about that in a few minutes, but first gonna take a step even farther back from that. So what do we want most, right? What do we want most for our kids? What are the desired outcomes that we have for this whole process of parenting, right? And the reason that the where this question is coming from is I, a few weeks ago, I did a poll on my personal Facebook page, and I just wanted to find out where parents were at, and my question was taking a poll who lets their 14 year old daughter have Her boyfriend hang out in a room with her boyfriend. Just threw it out there, you guys. I got nearly 200 responses to that question, and the responses ranged from no way Hell No Who Wants to Be a grandparent to all the way over to, you know, kids are gonna have sex. Why not let them have it in their room? And the funny thing was, and everything came back to, like her, like a 14 year old girl having her boyfriend in a room. Clearly, they will have sex. And it was really interesting, right? Like that was for sure what was going to happen. And, you know, granted, I understand why everybody leapt to that place. But as I was going through the responses, I was really be I didn't respond to any of them. I just took them all in to begin with. And I was so it was so interesting to me, the range, right, the range. And as I started seeing more and more people popping up with their opinion, I started to see my parent educator friends pop in, and what I really appreciated there and with other friends who who I really value, their parenting style and just kind of they're grounded and and calm mindsets. What I really appreciated was when people responded with, what are you? What are the outcomes? Right? What do you want? Your What do you not you, meaning me, because this was kind of a broad question, although Funny enough, I have a 14 year old daughter who, in fact, did read all the responses and gave me permission to be on there and asking about this, what I really appreciated went was that question of, what are your desired outcomes? What do you want most for your children? Right? So when I think about that, and I think about what I want for my. Kids. I want them to be able to listen to their intuition. I want them to be able to say no. I want them to be able to say yes. I want them to be able to trust themselves. I want them to be able to navigate tricky situations, and the only place right? The only place that they can do that is when they are in the experience of actually doing that. One of the activities that we do in positive discipline, that I've talked about on the show before is called two lists. And I invite the group to make a list of challenges that are currently alive in the home, and then we shift it up, and I say, you know, imagine your child coming home to see you there in their late 20s. You open the door. What are the life skills and characteristics that you hope that by that time, they've learned to embody? And it's things like compassion and self regulation and kindness and love and and curiosity and problem solving and resilience, right? Advocate, self advocacy, all these great things show up on this list. We fill an entire piece of paper, you know. And when I think back to those life skills and characteristics, and it's always the same list, by the way, you know, the only place that our kids can develop life skills is inside of experience, right, inside of experience and in relationship. You know, having a relationship with a healthy adult supports that as well. So there's this whole idea around holding space for allowing mistakes and allowing failure, right, allowing them to make, to be able to choose, and knowing that, well, not always knowing that, but what happens when we know that? Sometimes they're going to choose, you know, what we think is the wrong thing? Right? We say, Well, you know, I want, I'm going to give them the opportunity to learn from mistakes, but then when they make mistakes, we get really freaked out that they're making mistakes. And you've heard me speak about this in my own experience in some of the previous shows this fall. We want them to make mistakes, and then when they're we're making when they're making the mistakes, we're freaking out about the mistakes that they're making, and we go into fear, and we slide into worst case scenario and all that stuff, allowing mistakes gives them the opportunity to learn and consider and be curious and have experience, then in their back pocket, so that the next time they're confronted by something, they can think back to, you know, I did that one Time, and here's what happened. Here's how it felt, right, and it looks different, right at different ages. Obviously, we don't let toddlers run into traffic, right and say, Oh, well, I was letting them learn that you can't run in traffic. No, that would be super irresponsible. So don't do that. However, there is a lot of ground here. There was a lot of space that we are and experiences that we're robbing our children of because we're getting in the way. We're saving them from themselves. We're jumping in, we're lecturing, we're threatening, and our kids aren't really learning. They're not learning. They're not gathering experiences that are going to inform and inspire them in future experiences. And the problem is, I think, because we are having an we the parents, are having an internal experience when it comes to witnessing our kids mistakes, right? We have that internal experience around not wanting them to feel pain, and I get it right. We don't want them to feel pain, we don't want them to be hurt, we don't want them to have regrets, right? We don't want them to make mistakes that jeopardize their future. Of course not, and we're good people, and sometimes that external or that internal experience, it, it, it, it moves us to this place of just hanging on so tight, right? We hang on so tight. And guess what? Our kids are still gonna make mistakes. They're just gonna go underground. They're just gonna get sneaky. And then it becomes about us. It becomes about you. Don't want me to do this. Watch me. Watch what I can do. So instead of helping them holding space for them to develop their internal guidance system, we're getting in the way, and they're actually choosing to do things because we said they could. Weren't allowed to there. They can't do it, don't do it. Blah, blah, blah, right? So mindfulness really matters. When we start to think about our children developing personal responsibility, we have to hold space for them. And then back to this conversation around natural consequences again. Natural consequences is what happens when adults don't get in the way. Right. And as you hear me say that, you might be thinking to yourself, oh my gosh, is this lady saying just let whatever? In and whatever, whatever, whatever. No, I am not saying that this is a dance, right? This is a dance. Boundaries are respectful, creating boundaries for ourselves, boundaries for our family, our kids. This is that's, that's respectful. And kids need that. They need to know how where they where they feel the tension. They need to feel the tension right, of what they want and what we're saying. Hey, here's the boundary, right? So it's not about being permissive, it's not anything goes, right? Instead, it's about even inside those boundaries, our kids are going to make mistakes,

and so when they make mistakes, there's consequences. And when we can step back and let them feel the consequences while loving them along the way, it can be really powerful. So an example of this, it would be, you know, schoolwork. So maybe you have a child who's always been really self motivated, and then they get to a place and they're schooling where they kind of aren't really feeling it right. They're not really sure if they want to work that hard or whatever is showing up for them, and you see some grades slipping right. It's really tempting to jump in and say, you know what's going on. Well, it's okay to say what's going on. Of course, check in with them, but notice when you start to feel that need to control, like, how can I motivate my child? Right? How can you motivate your child? If that's the question, then that's where I want you to pause and just

take a different perspective here, because something like grades, right, and our child, our kids who are Maybe highly motivated moving into this, like, I don't really care as much anymore, and noticing what's happening internally for us, around like, oh gosh, they're gonna fail, right? Because we go there and then they're gonna be a bum, and we have the whole little blah, blah blah, right? Noticing that, and coming back to, hmm, curiosity, deep listening, right. Deep listening. What's going on with you? I'm noticing there's a change in how you're approaching school. Can you tell me a little bit about that? Asking them what do you want most? What's important to you, right? And helping them to expand their perspective around what they want, instead of, you know, coming at it from this is what I want, and this is what you should want, but really exploring what it is that they do want. And we are great at assuming, as parents, I know I'm not alone, right? We think we know, oh, my child just wants this, that and the other thing, or they're just doing that because of this reason, that reason. So I'm going to challenge you, and I believe I've done it before here on the show, I'm going to challenge you to really notice when you are making an assumption and check in with your child, you know. And this can be with four, you know, young kids, high school, kids, grade school, kids like just simply starting with the question of, tell me what's going on with that I'm curious, and then be curious. Don't have an agenda. Don't listen to fix. Don't listen so that you can show your child where they're wrong. Listen to understand. Listen to hear their values. Listen to hear what's happening between the words and underneath the conversation that they're having with you. This is really, really powerful. We long, we, all of us humans, long to be listened to in a way that is whole body listening, right? We want people to see us, to feel us and to recognize our values through the ways that we share stories. So start with your kids, close your mouth and let them really share with you and be curious. Come from a place of wonder and awe, right? So this personal responsibility conversation, kids learn personal responsibility through experiencing, experiencing what it means to have the opportunity to be personally responsible. And sometimes they fall flat on their face. Sometimes they show us enough to recognize, hmm. We're going to pull the boundary in a little bit here for a while, see how you do, and then flex it out, right? So they're going to let us know through their actions and their behaviors. What are they ready for? How you know, what are they what? What's possible? They're letting us. Know all the time, you know. And this doesn't mean that if you see that your child is you know, when the red flags show up, you need to step in. You know, you need to make sure that there isn't something bigger going on. Of course, of course, right? But at the end of the day, what can we control? I mean, at the end of the day, our kids can flip us the bird and walk out the door. They can. They can. And really what matters is the relationship that we've developed. That's the most powerful tool that we have. That relationship that is founded in unconditional love, mutual respect, right? I'm gonna be here for you no matter what, and I don't love that you made that choice. Tell me more about it. Tell me what you're noticing now, like, what have the consequences been for you? Right? Then moving. How will they solve the problem? How will they handle that situation next time, really allowing the natural consequence to have the power that they have, because then our kids are actually developing skills, and that's ultimately what we want at the end of the day, our kids want to feel connected. They want to feel like they matter and as though they have influence over their lives. And some of the tools you've heard me talk about on the show that I'm going to mention is, again, are things like CO creating routines and agreements, right? So things like homework and and cell phone use and all you know, after school, after dinner, chores, all those things we want them to participate in. And the invitation happens when we co create routines and agreements with them, and then loosen up. Loosen the reins a little bit there, friend. Don't expect perfection. Please stop. And I'm speaking to you, and I'm speaking to myself. I spoke about this a couple weeks ago on the last solo show around you know, we make agreements, or we have these great conversations, and then we expect our kids to be perfect, so stop doing that, because they're not. Not only are they not perfect, but they're operating with underdeveloped brains and limited life skills. So as soon as we stop being so surprised when they're making mistakes, you know, soon as we do that, the better, yay. So loosen those reins a little bit. Ask questions like how and what? Questions, not why. Why is a trap, and they know. Ask questions, check your unspoken messaging, right? Kids hear us. They hear our words, and then they interpret our words, and what is the current message that your child is hearing from you? Check in on that. Get curious for yourself around that, and then check in with them. And it could sound like I'm wondering if you're feeling like I'm really disappointed by you in who you are, and let them speak into it, and hear them right? And then finally, family meetings. I don't care if you've got little kids or 18 year olds, but or adult children that live in your house. Family meetings are so, so powerful. Family meetings happen weekly. They're a place for appreciation, they're a place for problem solving, they're a place for planning, and if family meetings, I mentioned this last week, if you are interested in family meetings, if you want to, if you want a little like hand holding through family meetings. I have a great offer for you if you go over to the website and you go to www, dot joyful courage.com/family-meetings-ecourse.

Www, dot joyful courage.com/family-meeting-ecourse, you will be all dialed in and set up for six weeks of support, email support around creating family meetings in your home. And I'm really proud of this offer, because not only is it like logistics. Here's what you do when, but it's also things to consider. If you've got young kids, if you've got teens, I have some questions around helping you to check in on what's showing up for you in the family meeting process, because sometimes it's all well and good, and then you find yourself in the middle of a family meeting and you want to punch everybody in the face. Yeah? Something to look at, right? So I would love it. If you want to go check that out, you can see it on the website. But really today, what I wanted to land, and I'm hoping that I did, is we all want our children to grow into cooperative, contributing adults. Lives, right? We want them to be high functioning. We want them to be happy. We want them to have good lives, right? And part of that is developing personal responsibility. And, you know, I'm really in it right now, and really feeling moved to share with others around how natural consequences really are one of the most powerful tools for helping our kids to really develop that personal responsibility that we don't need to be imposing consequences or punishments or even rewards on our kids, that what already exists when they make mistakes is really powerful if we stay out of the way. So that's what I wanted to talk about today, I really hope that you got something out of that, right? Yeah, I know that it's definitely something that is super alive inside of my current parenting practice. I am so happy to show up for you each week. Thank you so much for listening in. If you caught last week's show. You heard me talk with Tasha shore about raising boys in the current climate. Super juicy. My interview next week is with Robin sebag, and we're talking about teen girls, shocker, and all the loveliness that shows up there. Yes, I do use this show for my own agenda. Ha, ha, ha, however, I know that you'll get a ton out of the show. Either your own inner teen girl will enjoy it. Or, if you are like me, raising a teen daughter or even a tween, or one day will be raising a teen girl, I know that you will enjoy this show, and I wanted to share with you I mentioned at the beginning I have some really fun stuff going on on the website. You all listen to me, or if you're my clients, if you're in my membership, I talk a lot about what is your intention and being intentional in this parenting practice and the joyful courage store on my website is bulking up its offerings. And everything I have made I have had made to sell to you, has your intention practice in mind? So exciting right now, there are some really soft, comfy shirts. There's this really sweet tank, flowy tank top, and another one that's kind of an off the shoulder, cute mama T with intentions on the front. I've got the daily intention cards in there. Awesome for really committing to a practice of intentional parenting. And yay, my dreamy mantra bracelets that my sweet friend Antonia The Grateful has designed and made for our community. They are on the website, so check it out. You can go to joyfulcurge.com and click on shop in the navigation bar, and you'll see a little drop down menu to check out all of those things. I'm so excited that I get to offer them to you. I hope you find something that you love. Yeah, are you listening to the podcast through the website? Or are you an apple podcast subscriber? Or maybe you have an Android and you listen through an app. There. Here are some perks for being a subscriber to the podcast. The shows magically show up on your device as soon as they're published, which is really usually around midnight. Tuesdays, you get access to all the shows, bonus episodes included, and you get to feel super cool, right? So think about becoming a subscriber if you're not already, and stay connected. I have I'm so proud of the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group. I'm so proud of that space. It is such a beautifully supportive community full of parents who really get it and are really committed to this path of conscious parenting and positive discipline. Every Thursday, I do a takeaway post to hold space for you and encourage you to share your takeaways from the podcast, so you can check that out and just click to join. It's super easy. I'm on Instagram. Are you on Instagram? Find me. I'm at joyful underscore courage on Instagram, I try to do daily stories, I do every other day, and I do sometimes daily stories, and try to keep my feed inspirational and authentic and real, just like I show up. Here I am. I have a business page on Facebook as well as Twitter, and you can sign up for my newsletter at joyfulcourage.com as always, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to my producer, the man, Chris Mann at pod shaper, for being my super, awesomely creative producer and always making the show sound super bomber. So appreciate you. Chris, everyone, listeners, take care of yourselves. And if you're in the States, have a beautiful Thanksgiving this week. Take care of each other out there and be love you.