Eps 110: Finding the Need Beneath the Behavior with Alison Smith

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Casey O'Roarty 0:02
Joyful courage parenting podcast episode 110

Hey everybody. Welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the parenting journey. I am your host, Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer and parent coach. I am thrilled that you are listening in be sure to listen after the interview. I always have really great special offers and calls to action, and I don't want you to miss out on any of that. If you find yourself laughing, taking notes, excited about what you hear on the show today, do me a favor and pay it forward. Share this episode with your friends, family, neighbors, strangers at the grocery store. Sharing is the reason I'm able to show up for you each week, and I'm so deeply honored to do so. My guest today is Allison Smith. She has gone from teacher to parent to parent educator. Allison is a passionate advocate for positive and respectful raising of the next generation. She's a coach, writer, teacher and speaker with a diehard entrepreneur spirit. Allison specializes in positive discipline, shifting away from an authoritarian parenting approach, stepping out of one's comfort zone to go after what you deeply want. Parents she works with range from looking for a few simple adjustments in their strategy to those needing an all out intervention for changing the family's behavior, interaction and communication. I am so excited to have you on the show. Welcome, Allison,

Alison Smith 1:43
thank you so much. Casey, this is awesome.

Casey O'Roarty 1:45
Yeah, this is awesome. I'm so glad that I get to share you with my listeners. Will you please share a little bit about your journey of doing what you do?

Alison Smith 1:56
Well, my journey, it really has been an evolution and and a lot of pieces came together finally, and it it just turned into what it is, and it's still evolving a bit. But for the last three years, this has been my intense focus. Is serving parents, helping children through the parents, and shifting how our culture interacts with its youngest and most vulnerable. I started off as a teacher for 10 years, and always knew that I loved kids. I loved working with kids. I just felt like a natural teacher. There's a lot of stuff that goes along with teaching that's not actually teaching. So I was I was struggling a lot, and, and I had some personal mental health issues that were getting in the way as well. And, and I, actually, I was thinking of doing something else, but really didn't have that big push to to really take action on it is a little scary. And I had kids, and then life, life nudged me very strongly into learning different ways to be with kids. So as I was learning, I was naturally sharing and teaching, and I just started to wonder if I could combine that with my lifelong passion of personal growth, personal development. Am I teaching and come up with something that was a real viable business? So here we are, here

Casey O'Roarty 3:30
we are, here we are. How old are your kids?

Alison Smith 3:34
My son is six and my daughter is eight.

Casey O'Roarty 3:37
So is that Kinder in third grade or first and third,

Alison Smith 3:42
kinder and second, kinder

Casey O'Roarty 3:43
and second, all right? Oh, how fun. Fun time

Alison Smith 3:47
getting to that fun age where everything's still exciting. They still like their parents, yeah, they're really sharing my enthusiasm now. So that's great, awesome.

Casey O'Roarty 3:59
So I'm really excited about the conversation that we are about to have. As you know, I am a positive discipline trainer. Are you so I mentioned positive discipline in your bio? Are you a positive discipline parent educator, or is it more positive discipline? The umbrella,

Alison Smith 4:18
the yes, the umbrella. Lowercase, got

Casey O'Roarty 4:21
it yeah, got it cool. So a lot of the positive discipline work is based on the idea that behavior is purposeful. It's just that kids don't Well kids and grown ups sometimes, right don't have great skills to recognize and ask for what they need, and instead, it's on the parents to kind of get into the practice of looking under the surface, what you call looking for the need beneath the behavior. Can you speak a little bit into that? Sure.

Alison Smith 4:53
Well, I've had bits and pieces of this, and like I said, like everything seems to be an evolution. And I'm sure with your business and your ideas too, like they're shifting and you're adding on and you're making some adjustments. So one piece that really struck me and is now integrated into part of what I teach came from Bonnie Harris, and she talks about the iceberg. Are you familiar with that concept? I

Casey O'Roarty 5:18
love the iceberg. I use that metaphor as well? Yeah, tell us

Alison Smith 5:21
talk about it. So perfect. So if all of the listeners can just imagine an iceberg, they're pretty massive, right? Except we don't even see how incredibly massive it is, because it's so much of it, most of it is under the surface. So I look at behavior through that lens now that the behavior is just the tip of the iceberg, and everything underneath is what's fueling that behavior, what's adding to it, what precipitated it, what caused it, patterns, habits, the way we interact with them, and all of those things just come together, and what we see At the top is the resulting behavior. So the behavior, to me, is, is really a symptom of what else is going on. So we when, when we look at a medical issue, for instance, sometimes, yes, we do treat the symptoms, but eventually we really need to get to the root cause and treat that, and deal with that, and change our lifestyle so that the symptoms diminish or go away. And I see parenting as as the same. We do need to do a lot of investigating for what's underneath that water line, but we're so focused on treating the symptoms sometimes, because we're in such a hurry, we're so busy. We just want that handled, but it's a stopgap measure. So we really need to sleuth out and observe and listen and see if we can figure out what's underneath that surface.

Casey O'Roarty 6:52
Yeah, I love that, and I love Bonnie Harris. She was actually on my podcast. She was on episode 17. She was one of my early guys, yeah, oh, she's great. She is so great. One of my favorite quotes comes from Bonnie Harris, and I think that it fits also with the iceberg analogy, and that's a different analogy, but that children's behavior is like weeds in the garden, and if you don't pull the root, it keeps coming back. And I have, I have a mentor out here in Seattle, Jody McVitie, and she talks about the iceberg, and she's, you know, she says, If you chip away at the top of the ice of an iceberg, it just keeps floating up, but if you melt it from the bottom, it will eventually sink Absolutely.

Alison Smith 7:38
I love that, okay, that's

Casey O'Roarty 7:41
incorporated. It's good, it's good. And I think that it's, I think it's what is at the surface that is so triggering for us as parents. And we get all caught up in our like, oh my gosh, this has to stop, you know, we get into our projection of what our children will be at, you know, in as adults, if they're still biting or hitting or doing whatever the behavior is in the moment

Alison Smith 8:04
we so automatically. Don't we go to that future casting of oh my gosh, 14 or oh no at 18, they'll still be doing this? And we have seen an immediate panic,

Casey O'Roarty 8:16
right, right? Forgetting that actually skills develop over time, you know. And probably, you know, a two year old biter is not is going to have a lot more tools at age eight or 12 or 17, and will probably not be leaning over and biting their friends. But yes, I love this, you know. And sometimes it's, well, I'm going to talk a little bit about kind of the mistaken beliefs that that I talk about in teaching, but it's also just the the you know, is my child, hungry, angry, lonely, tired, right? I mean, there's things underneath it. If we can get curious there, it's so much more helpful than simply, like you're doing something wrong, and because you're doing something wrong, you need to go sit in the corner and think about it for five minutes, because you're five, or whatever the you know current strategy is, what do you think it you know? So there's that fear piece, right? What else do you think gets in the way of parents going deeper than simply the behavior that they're seeing?

Alison Smith 9:20
Oh, my goodness, where to start? Okay, judgment.

Casey O'Roarty 9:24
Audience,

Alison Smith 9:27
absolutely. And this expectation of what other families do or don't do, or their kids do or don't do, and we think that others have it all together and on it. Me too. I don't, you know, none of us really have every answer for everything, so we're all just in that same boat. You know? We just may have different orders. So that judgment piece, and I think it's related to how parenting has shifted over time, and. Now there are so many different philosophies and approaches and personalities, and you know, you've got the laid back parent that lets their child free range and discover things for themselves. And then, on the other hand, you have those that are trying to protect them from all of life's dangers and and and so we we assume that someone looking at us is going to be one way or another, and we're like, oh, well, if they're, if, if my child is running up the slide, are they the kind of parent that this rule is you only slide down the slide or, or you make your child only go down, and are they want to? You know, we're always second guessing, and it's really impossible to know first of all, but it's really hard to not get triggered when we're worried about what people think of us, right,

Casey O'Roarty 10:49
right? We were just talking about this in my membership group, and being around there, one of the gals had a big birthday, and another gal was doing something with family and just even. And I know in my own experience, I like the energy inside of my body changes when I'm with my kids and with my parents, and when they were really little, they could I, you know, they would act, quote, weird, and then I would have to, like, respond to that. And and it was all this like energetic exchange happening between my child and I, and,

Alison Smith 11:28
oh my gosh, it feels like chaos, doesn't it? Yes,

Casey O'Roarty 11:32
it definitely feels out of control. And for I am a bit of a micromanager. Allison, so not you're

Alison Smith 11:39
right, because I know I've, I've done a lot of work, I've come a long way. I call myself a recovering perfectionist,

Casey O'Roarty 11:48
yeah, yeah.

Alison Smith 11:50
Honestly, it's, it's, it's always a, you know, it comes up sometimes, not always, but sometimes, yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 11:57
well, and again, in positive discipline we talk about because it's based in Adlerian theory. So we talk about the needs for belonging, which is connection and significance, meaning knowing that we matter, knowing we have influence. And then when kids, perception of these things is off, I like to use the word mischief. They get into mischief on their quest to come back to like this place of alignment, this place of feeling belonging and significance. But because they're they only have so much life experience. They only have so many skills. The path they take back to belonging and significance can actually show up, as, you know, socially not so useful behavior.

Alison Smith 12:46
I completely agree.

Casey O'Roarty 12:48
What do you see as underlying needs?

Alison Smith 12:52
Those are huge ones. When I am giving a workshop and a parent has a question, or, you know, I'm just talking to that person in the grocery store. Like you mentioned, one, one of the top ones that I go to after the is your child, hungry, tired, over stimulated. You know, those, those usual ones that most of us have a sense of, those ones, one of the first ones I go to is that connection and that, that validation of who they are and how they think and that they matter those, those are two of the big ones that I go to first, because most of the time that seems to be where, where we misinterpret things, or we we misjudge what it is that our Child is intending to do right what they need, right?

Casey O'Roarty 13:43
Because they don't say, Oh, I'm feeling disconnected from you at the grocery store when you're trying to talk to their friend, your friend, right? They're like, hanging on you and doing all sorts of wacky things, right? And then I think, and then it breaks my heart when I hear or I think to myself, they're trying. They're just trying to get my attention right. That's another thing that I've heard other trainers say, is they long for connection and they will settle for attention, which I think is really cool to make that distinction between connection and attention. I

Alison Smith 14:23
I love that, yeah, yeah. And it's interesting. I just want to plus one onto onto what you said, where we're so indoctrinated with this idea that attention seeking is bad that it has to be quashed or it will continue. And I do agree that that certain habits or unhelpful ways of getting needs met, it does need to be addressed. However, I like to explore this idea with parents, that when your child, when. Inclined to say, Oh, he or she's just looking for attention. Interpret that as my child needs connection or they need it, not want it. And when we realize that it's an actual, legitimate need, our our level of compassion for our kids completely shifts. We get it like they're having a hard time. They just don't have the skills to get their need met. And that is such a breakthrough for so many parents. Once they they really get it, like not just hear it, but they can apply it in their own life. They see it, yeah, it's really powerful.

Casey O'Roarty 15:36
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Alison Smith 18:44
yeah, big feelings.

Unknown Speaker 18:46
I like to call them.

Alison Smith 18:47
They're really big, um, there's kind of two routes that I take depending on the conversation or the situation. There's, there's a lot of prevention, obviously, and this is really dealing with the the majority of the iceberg, right? And then there's the Okay, I'm in the moment. I need something right now. And then there's those strategies, so really quick ones are things like taking a deep breath until you, you know, breathing a couple times just to give yourself a little bit of space, to reconnect with that part of your brain that can help you reason right and know that they're not out to get you, because we know that when we're calm is when we're in the moment and and our emotions are escalated, and we flipped our lid. So there's that side of things, but what where the really powerful work is, is like you mentioned, on the the personal level, yeah, when, when we start to become aware of what's triggering us and noticing it sooner and sooner and sooner, so we can catch it, and it's a lot easier to handle when it's just starting right, and we're able to access those that part of our brain that has all those great strategies that we just we know, but we just don't always use. So. So that's really important, and it's interesting how you say about the parents get feel like they're experiencing it themselves. For me, and I think for a lot of parents, there are several things going on, and it is tremendously overwhelming. So our child is upset, which triggers our Mama Bear response, so we're kind of on edge just because something's going on, and we're vigilant. Then there's the I'm empathetic toward my child, because I love my child, I'm mirroring, I'm feeling some of their feelings as well. And then there's the third piece of Oh my goodness. This is triggering a memory of mine, of how I felt when this kind of a situation happened, right? And so if we don't look back and explore those things and kind of clear the air and really feel those feelings again so that they can move and move on, we will continually be getting triggered by our kids and will join their chaos. I like the expression of share your calm, not their chaos, right? Me too, and it's a it's a lovely concept, but until we, and me included, started looking at those other contributing factors, it it was next to impossible to control my my reaction in order to choose my response. Allison,

Casey O'Roarty 21:27
I really appreciate that. I think that that really highlights that there is no perfect answer, right? There's no perfect like, oh, in that moment, just do this, or just say this, because there is a lot to unpack there. I always crack up when I'm at a like, a parent night, you know, and I get to do a two hour standalone, really quick facilitation, and then it's the Q and A and the parents get really specific with the problems that they're having with their child. And I just have to be like, well, that's a really big question, even though I'm sure when they brought it up, it doesn't feel that big. But once you start to really peel things back, there's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. And I love and I know you do this work too. I love getting to work with parents in a way that really broadens their perspective, that really gives them a balcony seat, not only to their kids behavior, to the you know, the why around their response, why they feel the way they do, like you were saying, you Know, unresolved things from their own history. Mirror Neurons are a real thing.

Alison Smith 22:47
And I want those of us who are sensitive and empathetic by nature, it's so easy to get sucked in. Yeah, we really have to create this kind of invisible barrier to say, that's not my stuff. That's their stuff to experience and learn how to handle. I'm here to guide them, but it's not mine, even though they're two years old, it's not mine. I'm here. I'm safe. I can handle this

Casey O'Roarty 23:11
well, and even when they're 14. I mean, I have actually said out loud, I love you, and right now I'm getting pulled into what's happening for you. So I'm going to go take care of myself. I want to show up in a way that's helpful for you. And I

Alison Smith 23:24
say that to my six year old, not in those words. That's beautiful, but But basically, like, you know what? I need a minute because I can't I can't be the parent I need to be. In this moment, I'm going to go gather myself, give myself a timeout, and then come back, and then I can help you. It doesn't happen often, but you know, we've, we've had the talk, and they know, they know that when I say that it's necessary, yeah, and

Casey O'Roarty 23:51
nobody's in trouble. It's not, I'm not criticizing anyone. It's just simply like, whoa. My stuff's coming up. I can't be here right now. And of course, my 14 year olds, like, I get the gigantic eye roll, but that's okay. I too, am really good at an eye roll. So you know it's, it's a give and a take over here with the eye rolling.

Alison Smith 24:19
Yeah, we're all the work in in progress, right? Sure, for

Casey O'Roarty 24:22
sure, for sure. And so, you know, moving from Okay, so we have, like, the challenges, and I love that, right? Even when we are doing everything, quote, right? And we're building deep relationships with our kids, and we're really in the practice of using our tools, the outcome of that is not that we don't we. There's no meltdowns and fall apart. The outcome is not that kids don't make mistakes, nor, I mean, yay, yay, that they make mistakes. We want them to make mistakes while they're in the comfort of, you know, our our loving embrace and but you know. Bringing things down to adult Roar is always nice. So let's talk a little bit about Win win, right? Because that was the other thing that came up as we were discussing what we could talk about on the podcast. So talk a little bit about creating win wins on the parenting, child raising journey.

Alison Smith 25:17
I love that concept and that you brought it up. Thank you. I want to give a little bit of context to where this win, win came from. Yes, and I believe that most of us in our culture were brought up in some version of an authoritarian, authoritative, disciplinarian sort of environment, and that was the parent is right. The parent has the final say. The parent is is the law, and the say so, so they have to win. And coming from that perspective, you can't lose face, you can't show a chink in the armor. You have to be this version of a strong leader, because, wow, if they see any kind of a weakness, they're just going to play on that, and then they'll win. So come up to today, actually, let's go back to about the 80s, where there was a backlash to that, and a lot of parents are saying, You know what, they need choices. We know that way doesn't work. They need choices, but we this. The pendulum swung too far that way, and kids were getting more than they could handle, and they didn't know how to handle it. And then the parents didn't know how to handle it, because it was new, and everyone was kind of in the same boat. So now we get to today, and some would say that the pendulum is swinging back toward the middle, but I actually believe that what we are doing and what we are teaching isn't on that pendulum or on that spectrum at all, because when we look at permissive parenting, then that's the child wins. The child has the say. Everyone caters to the child's needs. We don't want them upset. We have to protect them, bubble wrapping them. You know, all those kinds of ideas we hear about. So what I propose is that what we're looking for, there's no happy medium there, because it's always us versus them. Okay, I win this time, you win next time. We'll negotiate until we come to some kind of a compromise. But really compromise, nobody wins, right? So what I propose is that we look for win wins, something completely off that spectrum, something really that's that's new. It's a different way of looking at that whole parent child relationship that, yes, we have the world experience, we have the adult functioning brain, hopefully, management of emotions, life experience, all of those things that we can bring to the relationship to guide them through our experience. And the child is the expert on themselves. They already know who they are. We're figuring it out. So we're not trying to mold them into what we think is the best idea for them, as if we know better. We're helping them. We're helping to guide them, to discover who they are at their best, and encourage so it's not about power. It's about working together to find something that works for everyone involved. I love that. And yeah, so why don't figure so, you know, it's really in we see this a lot, even in business, in the workplace, in adult relationships, that we're trying to find this idea of a win win, where everyone has a say, everyone has a right to an opinion, whether we agree or not. But what, what could be a win win? Let's get really creative and see what we can problem solve together,

Casey O'Roarty 29:02
right? That, you know, and it's big to, I mean, it is big to invite parents into the idea that they are not entitled to the win and not I mean, I don't think every you know, it's not big for everybody. Some people, it just kind of feels natural and right. But, you know, and I'm sure that you've had, you've worked with parents too, where there, there is some resistance there, and it's fascinating. It's fascinating. I you know, again, this was a conversation that came up just this morning about or yesterday, about a an older sister of one of the moms that I work with saying, you know, you're you. She's got to learn to respect you. You know, because of a is an interaction that my, my this mom had with her daughter and and the interesting thing was that not long after the older sister said that. To the mom, the daughter actually came to the mom, owned her behavior and apologized for her behavior and hugged the mom. And so the mom's like, right? And the mom's like, well, it wasn't, darn it. It wasn't in front of the older sister, but it was one of those things that was reaffirming to her, like, I'm okay, you know, I am on the path that I need to be on. Because, again, I think instincts

Alison Smith 30:25
are instincts are telling me what I need to do

Casey O'Roarty 30:29
exactly. And I think it's that fear, again, that you know, where we get really rigid. And that's for me, my experience of I have to win is rigidity and hanging on, like my fists are clenched, and it's like, Okay, I've got to control this situation, because, you know? And I mean, I have, I've got layers to unpack there for sure, which I have, and there's more to come, but, yeah, and it's so beautiful, you know, and we do it, I think we're really good at understanding this when, you know, when it's two siblings and we're helping them or coaching them or or wanting them to find a solution that works for everyone, but when it comes to putting ourselves in there, it starts to feel a little uncomfortable. And I think that's just because it's, you know, it's counterintuitive, maybe from our cultural conditioning, would you say?

Alison Smith 31:25
I would say conditioning? Absolutely, I don't. I don't think it's, it's our innate response. I believe, I really believe, that it's, it's, we're so inundated with those messages that we begin to believe it, because we haven't seen enough role models of doing it differently. So we're really this generation that's saying the buck stops here. We're going to do it differently. But do you know how to do it? I don't know, right. Do you have a clue or no? So we're kind of like feeling our way, right? Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 31:56
We're the revolution people. I

Alison Smith 32:06
oh yeah, we're the we're outside the box. But you know what, every so often, like every year, this is bigger and bigger and bigger and it's, it's, it's going to be mainstream, that this is how we are with children, but it's going to take some time. But our voices are getting more numerous, and we're getting more vocal, and I wouldn't say militant, but we're starting to really speak up. Yeah, you know, I hear you and your voice, and a lot of others out there, and they're just saying, You know what? This isn't working right? Here's another way, which is just beautiful

Casey O'Roarty 32:46
well, and when I think about generate a generation of children raised in homes where the Win Win is the norm, can you imagine the world who's fine? I know. I mean, the world would change. Yeah,

Alison Smith 32:59
I actually did a five minute talk. It was like a inspire us, teach us within

Casey O'Roarty 33:06
five minutes. Was it with the sides where you had to keep up with the slides? Is it one of those 20

Alison Smith 33:11
slides in five minutes? Go, inspire us. Yeah. So I did that, and it was, it was fairly early on in this journey, and so I was so nervous, but I pushed myself, and I did it, and I'm glad I did, but yeah, I actually have this video now, because it was professionally filmed. They just happened to know somebody who had a crew, and so I've got this professionally filmed five minute video, and it's we could change the world in a generation. Where is it? Is

Casey O'Roarty 33:43
it on your website? It's on my YouTube channel. Okay, I'm gonna have you send me the link, and then I'll make sure the link is in the show notes, because that sounds really amazing. Allison, cool, well, and I think there's, you know, another word that I love, that I think goes right along with Win. Win is co creation, and I love and my listeners have heard me talk about this, but I'm going to talk about it again, because you're not here enough and I'm the boss. Yeah. So we are in co creation all the time, whether it's agreements about screen time or chores or routines. You know, after school routines, bedtime routine, energy, moods. Yes, we are always, you know, anytime we have to problem solve, it's such a powerful way for the kids to learn and practice what I think are life skills, you know, and even though I you mentioned earlier on, like that, compromise can often be and nobody wins. But I really like the one thing that we do is we do offers, counteroffers, until we get to a place where both people are like, okay, okay,

Alison Smith 34:53
let's do it.

Casey O'Roarty 34:55
And it's so fun because you know my husband, you know. And I'm kind of the driver shocker of all of this stuff in my house. And so my husband one night, Ian. Ian said, Teddy, can we go to Dairy Queen tonight and get some ice cream? And Ben said, you know, I don't think that we're gonna do that tonight. And Ian said, Well, can I make a counteroffer?

Alison Smith 35:18
I love it. I love it, which is great, yeah? Respect for asking permission of anyone. May I offer this, you know, are you open to discussing this? Right? I love that counteroffer. You know what you're if they're not already on the debate team, your kids will be phenomenal.

Casey O'Roarty 35:41
Yeah? Right. Oh, man, I

Alison Smith 35:43
need to film that.

Casey O'Roarty 35:46
I will. I often think that too, like, Ooh, I should be filming this right now so people can see this live in action. Well,

Alison Smith 35:53
I actually did a really brief YouTube live with my daughter, because I try to maintain privacy, because they're still young, and, you know, there's crazy people out there. So I kept her off screen, but I asked her questions. And so I was asking her about this concept of when siblings argue and get on each other's nerves, push each other's buttons, like, what? What would you tell parents that they should do to help their kids? So she came up with a couple ideas. And it was, it was so amazing to hear, actually, to hear my words coming out of her mouth. Oh, those

Casey O'Roarty 36:28
are good moments. Well, for some of the words, words

Alison Smith 36:30
are opposite to my words, that's your go to. Is opposition first, and then we have to work backwards, yeah. So that was, that was really, really affirming, and to hear my kids working out problems when I'm in another room, it's like, wow, they were negotiating at three and five, not always, right? You know, it's unique, but it

Casey O'Roarty 36:53
is amazing when those those moments show up. Cool. Hey, so All right, well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm looking at the time that's this always goes by so fast for me. I know, I know we have to make that date in the context of all that we've talked about today. Allison, what would you say that joyful courage means to you? Joyful courage?

Alison Smith 37:22
Well, courage sometimes is pushed upon us, so when it is pushed upon us to embrace it, not resist it, and get curious about what we can learn from that and how we can grow love

Casey O'Roarty 37:40
it, yay. And I think that curiosity is kind of an opening to joy. I think when we choose curiosity, that it's a lot easier to also hold joy

Alison Smith 37:52
and and curiosity. It. Curiosity solved so much. Yeah, it killed the cat. But

Casey O'Roarty 37:57
for us, who said that, anyway, they

Alison Smith 38:02
had eight other lives, yeah? Like, even with discipline, you know that that being curious about that iceberg, yeah? Okay, the behavior, remember, the behavior is a symptom. Okay, I'm gonna get curious about what might be going on or what's coming up. For me, that I'm being triggered. Yeah? So curiosity is awesome. Love

Casey O'Roarty 38:21
that. Love it. Where can listeners find you and follow your work? Actually,

Alison Smith 38:26
they can find me and follow me just about everywhere except maybe im Jer. I don't even know what that is, but

Casey O'Roarty 38:32
I don't know what that is. Either, are you a Tumblr? Are you like a teenager? Okay, it's gonna be really impressive. Or Snapchat.

Alison Smith 38:39
What else might not on Reddit, I'm not there, but pretty much everything else, I have some kind of a presence. But Facebook is really my go to and it seems to be where a lot of the really great conversations are happening. I do have speaking of conversations. I have a free, semi private Facebook forum, and it's called the parent learning community. And I'll give you the link so you can put that in the show notes. But if they do a Google search for parent learning community, they'll likely find it. So we have discussions. People can ask questions. They're supporting each other. Some people have met and become friends, and it's not, it's not too huge yet. So you can actually get to know some of the the frequent engagers. And I'm in there too, you know, I might post a Facebook Live. I'm thinking of doing one shortly, just for that group. Great, yeah. So we've got people from all over the world,

Casey O'Roarty 39:36
well, and you have something, don't? You have something on your website? Don't you have a free guide I

Alison Smith 39:41
do, so that's a really good way to get to know me, and hopefully I can get to know you if you write me back. So my email list, so in exchange for your email address, I have a free guide on connection. It's 20 ways to create. Connection with your child. Some of them are quick and easy, some of them are silly and fun, and others are more of a deep dive into how can you create that foundation for lasting connection and influence? Great, and

Casey O'Roarty 40:11
listeners can find that on your website. Yes,

Alison Smith 40:14
specifically, Allison Smith coaching.com, great, forward slash free guide,

Casey O'Roarty 40:20
awesome. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me today.

Alison Smith 40:24
I'm just thrilled you invited me. Thank you.

Casey O'Roarty 40:35
All right, friends. Just so you know, on Thursdays in the live and love with joyful courage group, I have scheduled posts that show up and say takeaway Thursday. So if you listen to the show and you have some thoughts and some feels about what you heard from Allison, what you heard from me, and you want to share any ahas or questions or challenges that showed up in your listening, go into the group and share with us. Respond to that post. Let me know what you're taking away, what you love, what you're having a hard time wrapping your head around. We are here to serve you. I am here to serve you and the live in love with joyful courage. Facebook Group is a fabulous place to be in the community of listeners, the community of people who are resonating with joyful courage, people just like you. So check it out. Other places that you can find me on social media include I have a Facebook business page, which is just called joyful courage. You can find me on Instagram at joyful underscore courage. I am also on Twitter. If you have any questions or feedback that you'd like to send me directly, you can do that at Casey, at joyful courage.com. That's my email. I am really excited to continue to promote the mother's journey workshop. Lots of what came up in the discussion with Allison is what has motivated me towards creating this workshop. I will be in Bellingham on the 24th of September. I'll be in Seattle on October 7. I will be in Portland october 22 and it's looking like I'm gonna be in Boise on November 4. So if you are anywhere near any of those places, or you're ready to go on a road trip and come meet me and play with me and be a part of a really powerful circle of moms who are committed to personal development and conscience parenting. Come and play with us. Do it. You will not be disappointed. You will not be disappointed. Special. Thanks today to my sponsor, Lola mylola.com and my helper, Anna Proctor, thank you for all you do for joyful courage, Anna, you are so appreciated. And finally, my friend and producer, Chris Mann, the man with the plan. Thank you so much for the time that you take to make the podcast sound really good. I appreciate you and to all of you parents out there, we cannot do this alone. We are on a collective journey. So reach out, be in communication, be in community with each other and with me parenting takes a village, right? So let's be that village to each other. Hug your kids, get some self care in, and I will be back with a solo show next week. Bye

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