Eps 105: Solo Show, A Visit with my 11 Year Old, Shifting our Lens

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Casey O'Roarty 0:00
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Joyful courage, parenting podcast, solo episode 105,

Hey everybody, welcome back to the joy for courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the parenting journey I'm feeling kind of singing today. I am your host, Casey o'rourdy, positive discipline trainer and parent coach, and I am thrilled that you're here if you find yourself laughing, taking notes and or excited about what you hear on the show today. Do me a favor and pay it forward. Share it. Share this episode with your friends and your family and your neighbors and strangers that you meet on the street. Your sharing is the reason I'm able to show up for you each week, and I am so honored to do so, and today, I want to start off by giving a shout out to people that, over the last couple months, have left reviews on iTunes. Sometimes I talk about the fact that you can leave a review, and that would be so great. It's really nice for other people that are looking for podcasts to jump into iTunes and be like, I'm looking for a parenting podcast, and to stumble upon my show and to see what you have to say. So back in June, student K said, I love joyful courage. Thank you, Casey for creating this incredible, inspirational, daily, usable content. Your show brings me so much of what I need, and often inspires, inspiration and guidance that I didn't know I was looking for. This wisdom that I gain here is implemented in my marriage, parenting and teaching. You're just fantastic, and I love you. Keep up the good work. Thank you. Thank you, student, K, whoever you are. And also I got a message from as we are going, such a great resource for parents, encouraging, inspiring, highly recommend it. And Casey is an excellent host, always drawing out great conversations with great guests, keeping the focus on positive parenting and connection. Thank you. Yay for iTunes reviews. So last week on the show, I had my good friend and colleague, Kristen, come on to talk about making amends and how making amends and making repairs is a really powerful parenting tool to be using with our kids and with all the people in our life. And I actually have my son, Ian, here with me today, and I just wanted to do a little have a little conversation with him as a follow up to that show about, we call it making it right in our house. So first I want to say, Hey, Ian,

Ian O’Roarty 4:39
hi.

Casey O'Roarty 4:40
I'm glad that you're here. So

Ian O’Roarty 4:43
am I

Casey O'Roarty 4:43
well? My first question for you is, what is the hardest part about making things right after you've made a mistake and possibly been hurtful to someone? Probably

Ian O’Roarty 4:56
the part where you have to follow through is what you say. Like, if you accidentally hurt somebody, then you would say, oh, sorry, and then you would say what you're gonna do next time. And probably the hardest part is doing what you what you said you were gonna do next time. Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 5:12
So that's totally so true, and that follow through is really where I think the power of making it right is right. If you're somebody who says, Oh, next time, I'm going to do it this way, and then you never actually do that, it doesn't really the apologies stop mattering, don't they, because

Ian O’Roarty 5:32
if you apologize and then don't do what you say you're going to do, then it's just like making it an excuse. Yeah, it's just

Casey O'Roarty 5:39
words, right? So what helps you? Because sometimes follow through, even for the grownups, it's hard to do what you say you're gonna do. So what is helpful to you when it comes to following through and doing what you say you're gonna do?

Ian O’Roarty 5:54
Probably I like if I apologize for not making my bed and I said I was gonna make my bed the next morning, then I would like say, I would try to remember it and maybe write a post it note, or do like anything I can, to remember it easily the next morning, and then make my bed so that I actually did what I said I was gonna do. So

Casey O'Roarty 6:14
you set yourself up with something that's gonna remind you about what you said. Yeah, pretty much got it. So how does it feel when I have to make things right with you, when I'm not my perfect parenting self, and I have to come and own it? How does that feel for you?

Ian O’Roarty 6:33
It feels pretty good because like you're apologizing, and it makes me feel a bit like, Oh, she's apologizing to me. So it's okay now, and I'm like, it's just, how do I say this? It just makes me feel good that you're apologizing. When you make when you're mad, and you say, maybe I'll try not to do that next time. And then when you actually do it. It's like, not really surprising. It's just like, kind of like, Oh, she did it good. Good for her. Do

Casey O'Roarty 7:07
you feel like I follow through a lot?

Ian O’Roarty 7:09
Yeah, most of the time.

Casey O'Roarty 7:13
Do you so I heard you say, Okay, does it feel like we've kind of moved past whatever the problem was. Once I come and make it right with you, like we're back, like we're back together, like we've reconnected. Um, kind

Ian O’Roarty 7:29
of there's still like you sometimes when you apologize to me, you still like, kind of talk about it, and you're like, Well, I can you kind of go on a little bit, but then you kind of like, Don't say anymore after a little while,

Casey O'Roarty 7:44
okay, keeping it real. What advice do you have for parents who are working on making amends and bringing that whole process into their home? What do you what advice do you have for them?

Ian O’Roarty 7:55
I say, if you want your kids to apologize to you, you train them how to do it like, when to say it and how to say it like the delivery and mostly just like that. And also you like, you would tell them, like, if they splash somebody in the pool and they just, like, walked on and they didn't really care, then they would someone would judge them and be like, Oh, they're rude. But like, if you train them like when to say it, and they would say, oh, sorry that splashed you. And then like you would just like, it would be nicer. And they would like people would think that they were, like, more polite and stuff when you teach them how to apologize, yeah, and

Casey O'Roarty 8:40
you know, sometimes we bump into people, sometimes we accidentally kick people, and even though something's an accident doesn't mean that we don't need to own our our part of it. And I really liked what you said, Ian, because I think that so often parents will say things like, say you're sorry, and the kid says, I'm sorry, and then we say, No, you have to mean it.

Ian O’Roarty 9:01
Yeah, right. Like, how do you, how do you know when they mean it? Like, they could just be like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and then, like, they'll notice that at work, so every time they'll be like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and they don't mean it, but then you think they mean it. And so you need, you need to teach them how, yeah, how to mean it, how to like, how to really apologize, yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 9:24
well, Ian, thank you. You're welcome. All right, I'll see you later. Okay, see ya.

Hey. So this week on the podcast, I am really excited to talk about something that has come up with private clients in my membership group and in a private training I did with two couples, local couples, last week. I am for hire everyone, and it is something that I've talked about before, but I just, you know, you know how you can hear something once, and you know it's exciting, new information, and then you hear it again, and you feel like, oh yeah, gosh, that lands even deeper. I it, and you play with it, and then you hear it again. And you know every time you hear it, you get it at a deeper level. Well, I'm going to give you that opportunity today to have that experience and talk a little bit about beliefs, experiences and how they create the lenses that we see the world out of. So in positive discipline, we talk about the power of perception. And I love perception. I think it's so fascinating how two people can have the same experience or see the same thing and walk away with completely different perceptions around what happened, what it meant, background story, all that stuff. So we share about the power of perception and positive discipline by going to one experience that is really it's really obvious. You know, as far as what's happening perception wise, and we can all relate to it, either unless we're an only child. Raising an only child, most of us have experiences where we can relate to this, and so I want you to think about being a two or a three year old child, not your child, just a child, right? You are little, and you love your life. You've got two parents or a parent. You have caregivers that love you deeply, deeply, and they celebrate you and they take you places and show you new things and cheer anytime a new milestone has been met. Life is so good for you, right? And the caregivers decide, well, one child is fantastic, two would be even better. Let's give this kid a sibling, right? And maybe they're talking to you about how exciting it's gonna be to be an older child, to have this new baby that is gonna love you, and you're gonna love the baby, and it's gonna be so fun, and the baby's gonna wanna play with you, and you know, all that good stuff that we say to kids in preparation for having a new baby. Maybe those parents also read you books about the growing baby in the Mama's belly. Maybe there's books about how it feels to be a big brother. Maybe you even have conversations around how it might be kind of challenging and that things will look different, right? Maybe you'll have all those conversations, all those conversations, and then, and then the day comes and the baby arrives. New baby comes, and reality sets in. Right? You are a two, three year old child. You are watching the grown ups in your life. What are you seeing when the baby shows up? The grown ups are busy. The grown ups are taking care of the baby. The grown ups want the house to be a little bit quieter, a little less rambunctious. There's people coming over, knocking on the door. Who do they want to see the new baby? Mom and Dad seem to be a little grumpier, right? Definitely shorter with you. Wow, also maybe loving and holding and hugging and loving on you, too. But there's a difference. There's a shift. There's a shift in the way that they spend time with you and the time that they allot for you. So you move from perception, right? That's what you see, and you move into interpretation. What does all of this mean? What does all of this mean? And a two or a three year old has very limited life experience to interpret what they see into meaning. So they might, you know, meaning, logical meaning, could be, I don't fit, I don't belong, I'm not loved, I don't matter. They don't have time for me, right? All of these things are interpretations that our young children make, and then from that place, we move from interpretation into a belief. So you start forming beliefs around this meaning, to belong in this family, you must be the baby, be a baby. Right from that place they make decisions. One decision they make might be to be a super helper, which I've heard exists. But. They might decide, from the belief of to counter belong in this family, I, I must be the baby, they might decide to get to be a little whinier, right? A little whiny or a little clingier, a little needier, regressing and potty training or weaning, crying a lot, separation anxiety, right? Looking for that pathway, path back to connection, through the lens of their belief that to belong, you must be the baby. Another decision that young kids make around the new sibling situation is get rid of the baby, right? I can't tell you how many people I've worked with who have older children and new babies, and they can't believe that their older children are mean or cruel or hurtful to the new baby. Get rid of this baby. This baby has screwed up my life, right? And again, it's that two or three year old lens. So we form whatever beliefs we form, and then we it's like we put on those glasses, and through those glasses, we only see evidence that backs up our belief. So perhaps, in this example, mom and dad are, you know, they are being loving. They are, you know, they are trying to connect with the older child. And yes, that could happen, but that doesn't correlate with the belief around to belong. You got to be the baby. So what the child is collecting evidence around is when mom and dad are are short tempered, or push them away, or say, No, you can't be in here right now, all of those little moments are the evidence. See, see, I don't belong. See, I don't fit. See, I'm not loved. And so they so they start to collect this evidence to validate their belief, right? And we do this all the time. This is not just two or three year olds who have new baby siblings. Adults do this all the time. We have a belief and and a lot of times their beliefs, you know, I'm going to be 44 next month, so my beliefs are pretty deeply entrenched in who I am. And I might even say that my beliefs I see as my truths. And so the way that I see the world is through the lens of my beliefs. And so I'm collecting evidence that's gonna that are gonna validate what I believe to be true. Now, sometimes that's not a big deal, but sometimes we have beliefs that are not necessarily serving us, beliefs around worthiness, beliefs about the way that we influence our lives, beliefs about what is possible, right? When we have beliefs, when we start to recognize that our beliefs are actually roadblocks to living the life that we want, then that is a place where we get to do some work. Now, let me talk a little bit more about this whole lens thing and collecting evidence. We all have friends. I was just talking about this in the webinar this morning for the membership group, the living, joyful courage membership group, we all have those friends who every time we're hanging out, they want to tell us about how the world has slighted them all the different ways that things haven't worked out right. And sometimes these friends, you know, you can listen to them, and you can literally think to yourself, like, wow, yeah, it seems like you really do have bad luck. And so there's this, like we they enroll us into their story around victim, until the point where we find ourselves subconsciously like, yeah, I get it. And then we've got those friends who it seems like they're living their life, and everything is going well, and it's always possibility, and I'm going to create this, and then bam, it happens, and bam, they're fighting success. And then we're sitting here thinking, like, wow, they are really lucky, right? Things really seem to go their way.

Both of those friends could actually be having the same experiences, but depending on how they see the world they influence, they find the evidence, and they, you know, live the life that that they are declaring through their beliefs. They're living the life from of their beliefs. And if one friend believes I don't have any influence in my life and I have bad luck, then that's what's going to show up in their life. If another friend believes like I can absolutely influence my life in the choices and decisions I make, then guess what? They're going to be influencing their life. And they're going to look on the outside really successful and abundant. So here's so this is what is happening for me in my own personal parenting experience. So I have this teen daughter, right? She's 14 and a half. She's going into high school, and when I think back to my own experience of being a teenager, I. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't as wild as I could have been in high school, but I definitely was sneaky and made some choices that I would rather Rowan not make, right? I got away with some things that could have gone really bad. And so through that lens, I'm now raising a teenage daughter, and I can't tell you, well, those of you that have teenagers know this, but it is amazing how quickly fear creeps in, right? And what I'm noticing is I have a belief I have a lens that I'm looking through, which is she's gonna make bad choices, right? And so then I collect evidence, evidence through my lens, things like, Oh, she's, she's rolling her eyes at me. She's wants to wear, you know, skimpy clothes, and she's got, she likes the boys that are, you know, whatever, that are a little bit older than her, and I'm looking at her, you know, I follow her on social media, and I'm reading her posts, and I'm totally reading into them and getting worked up. She says things for laughs and shock value that I'm like, well, there's another indication that, you know, she's going to make bad choices. She pushes boundaries with her phone. Yeah, so when I look at the list of these things, it's like, oh, I have a teenager, but because I have this lens of she's gonna make bad choices, I'm collecting those typical teenage moves as evidence to validate her downward spiral into, you know, drug abuse and teen pregnancy. When I recognize that this is what I'm doing, when I recognize that this is what I'm doing, and I shift my lens, and I decide, You know what, I'm going to look through a different lens. I'm going to look through a lens of instead of Rowan will make bad choices, I'm going to turn that around and say, Rowan will make good choices. And when I look through that lens, I see things like the amazing foundation that she has her first 14 years of life, right opportunities to co create agreements, creating routines. She's highly motivated in school. She is very skilled at relationships. She picks great friends. She lives from her values. You know, we talk about values. She has shared her values. She has a strong relationship with Ben, and I like we're connected, you know, she cares about schools. She talks about the future that she wants, right? So when I look through the lens of Rowan will make good choices, I remember all of these other, these counter, this counter evidence towards what's happening, you know, and her being a teenager, and also keeping in mind too, that mistakes are a part of childhood. Mistakes are absolutely going to happen. Mischief will show up. She will make some bad choices, right? But when I can look at a out of a broader lens. When I can see more than just this tunnel vision around drug abuse and teen pregnancy, I can recognize that those mistakes will be learning opportunities. She is collecting skills and tools and experiences along the way, and she is creating her own lens, right? She's in the process of creating her own lens to see the world out of and how I interact and respond to her and with her is going to influence how she sees herself in the world. So the tools for this kind of of work, really, Curiosity is huge, right? First, being aware of when we are in our fear, being aware of when we are being hijacked by beliefs that may not be serving us right so be growing our awareness and then awakening to the fact that there are other ways to see The world. There are other ways to think about this situation, right? So we grow our awareness around our beliefs, we awaken the curiosity that is natural to us to say, okay, so what? What else could this mean? What else? What is the the turnaround of my belief around my child is defiant, or my child is making bad choices, or my child is disrespectful. The turnaround is,

my child is not defiant, my child is making good choices, my child is respectful, and if we come from the. Those places, and from that lens, that's what we're going to see, and that's what we're where we're going to move from. And so the ripple effect actually happens, so that our kids actually step into that energy, right? And we're more connected, and significance is abundant. They feel like they matter, and ultimately we are influencing the likelihood that they will, you know, continue to be contributing, cooperative members of the family, members of society. So that's what I wanted to talk about a little bit today. I just wanted to talk about that idea of our beliefs perhaps getting in our way, and maybe, if you notice yourself really bumping up against fear and and just feeling like you're in that spiral and continuously in conflict with your child, one thing you can do is step back and really Look at the belief the lens that you're coming from, and see if that could be a place where you can shift and see what happens when you do right. See what happens when you do

all right. This week, I'm going to tell you a little bit about an essential oil that I have been playing more with, which is peppermint, peppermint. And before I tell you about any essential oils, I want to make sure to say that I am not an expert on essential oils. If you are going to use essential oils with your family, I am handing over the responsibility to you to do your research, right. Do your research and know how much how to use things. Some, some of the essential oils are okay to put inside the body. Some are not. Some you can put on your skin. Some you need to blend with a carrier oil. So I'm really want to be clear that I am in no way an expert. I am simply sharing my experience with essential oils with all of you as a way of sharing my experience, right? So I'm going to talk about peppermint today, and I've been hustling lately. I've got some new fun offers coming in the fall, which require a lot of discipline on my side, as far as staying focused on the goal and the work that I need to do. And I've noticed, because it's summer and my family's home, that it's really easy for me to become quite distracted. So I went into my essential oil stash, and I knew that there was an oil in there that was going to help me with focus, with concentration and clarity. And sure enough, there is peppermint, peppermint essential oil. We all love peppermint. I love Peppermint. Peppermint, to me, is clean. It's fresh. It's just like alive. I love the scent of peppermint, and when we can diffuse it, we can influence our environment to be optimal for focus and concentration. I also took a few drops of peppermint, blended it with some coconut oil, and rubbed it on my arms, and I had just this beautiful experience of cool, fresh, clean body, and I was ready to roll and to sit down at the computer and to get really creative and focused and disciplined around my work. So I am loving peppermint I wanted to share that with you today if you are interested in finding out more about my journey with essential oils and how you could begin your own journey. Feel free to reach out to me. Casey at joyful courage.com. All right, so I just wanted to let you know about that.

Okay, so also, mother's journey. How many of you out there have have had the experience of being so excited about becoming a mom? You know, maybe you knew from your, you know, being a child, you knew you were gonna be a mommy one day, and it's so great, and the path is laid, and it happens. And here you are as a mom, and you're thinking, Whoa, I didn't know it was going to be like this. This isn't super joyous all the time. Or maybe you're having the experience where you've come out of your own childhood and you want to be a parent, and you know that you want to do things differently, and then you have a child, and you realize that the model, the conditioning that that you experienced in your early years, actually lives inside of you and and is really getting in your way. Or maybe, maybe you were just listening to be talking about your lens and your beliefs, and you're thinking, yes, yes, yes. I want to work on this, but how, how do I do it? I have an amazing live offer that's happening this fall, and if you are anywhere near the Pacific Northwest, you can come and experience it for yourself a day with a group of mamas that are deep, diving into the purpose of their parenting journey. Our children choose us. Motherhood is one of the most powerful opportunities for personal growth and development. Are you ready to go there? Are you ready to discover, uncover and explore what's possible for you is this message? Is my voice kind of permeating into and adding to a bunch of other feedback that you've gotten in your life that says yes, it's time Come, come to a mother's journey. Invest in this offer, invest in you and your family. Say yes to discovery and the power that you have to influence the life you are living. If you are telling yourself, you know, if you're giving up and just saying, like, you know what I yell, I can't not yell, right? I can't not fill in the blank. It's just who I am. If you're telling yourself that in store, that story, and still feeling uncomfortable and resentful and guilty about it, this is the offer. This is the opportunity for you to come and decide something different, even if you feel like, you know what, I'm pretty good most of the time, like I'm good, I'm good with the mothering thing, but man, I'm really low energy, and I'm not taking care of myself, or I don't feel like I'm really showing up in relationship with my partner. If that's you, this, this is the offer for you. You have a child who's two, you have a child who's two months. You have a child who's 1222, all mothers will benefit from time spent at the mother's journey workshop. And the cool thing is, right? The cool thing is we do six hours together in the room full of movement and role play and laughter and journaling and meditating reflection. We do that six hours, and then for the four weeks to follow, there are facilitated group calls that you get to be a part of to integrate what you learn in the class into your life, support for making it happen so exciting a mother's journey to joyful courage is an invitation for deep personal inquiry. You get to learn tools for deepening relationship with your family, and it results in more cooperation and ease in your home. If you are like, okay, get on with it. Where do I find out about this? Where do I know? How can I find out if I can go, go to joyful courage.com/ mother's journey. You'll see my dates for Bellingham. I'm going to be in Bellingham, I'm going to be in Seattle, and I'm going to be in Portland. So there's three different venues, and there's a possibility of Boise, but there's those three confirmed venues with dates and costs that's all on the website. So check it out. I would love to see you. I would love to meet you. I would love to guide you and celebrate you and cherish you in the room and through the group calls.

So check it out. You

I'm so happy to show up for you. I'm so grateful for your listening to the show each week. Next week, we're going to be hearing from Alexander Hughes and chatting about being calm responders, whoop, whoop. It's the summer. We're wrapping it up. Are you listening to the podcast through the website? Are you a subscriber? Here is why you might want to be a subscriber to the podcast. And what I mean by that is listening through iTunes or Google Play through an app on your phone or your tablet. Here's the benefit. Shows magically show up on your device as soon as they're published. You don't have to wait for me to post them. You get access to all the shows, all the bonus episodes from the very beginning. I've been doing this for two years. People, there are a lot of shows and so much wisdom from others and from myself for you to tap into. You get to feel super cool if you're a subscriber right now, put your hands in the air and say, Oh yeah, I'm a subscriber. Be excited about that, because you are a part of a group of people that have said this is so good that I want to make sure that I never miss it so much. Thanks to my team, the man, Chris Mann at pod shaper, for being my super creative producer, my behind the scenes, Mama Anna for all she does in support of my work, and of course, you my community for offering such juicy questions to ponder and consider. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you, if you are not our. Already a part of the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group. Come on over there. It's a discussion forum. There is so much collective wisdom and support and love, and everybody's come from is positive, peaceful, gentle, loving parenting, right? You'll love it. I'm also on Instagram, at joyful underscore courage, and on Twitter, so you can follow me in a lot of places, and I hope that you do. If you have any questions or feedback at any time, please reach out to Casey at joyful courage.com, and I will respond to your emails. All right, have a beautiful, beautiful day, my friends and love on those kids. Love on yourself. Drink lots of water. Don't forget your soul care, and I'll be seeing you again next week.

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