Ep 94: Julie Stubblefield and I Explore How to Shift to LOVING Our Bodies (and Teaching our Kids to do the Same)

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Casey O'Roarty 0:00
Joyful courage parenting podcast episode 94

Hey everybody, welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for information and inspiration on the parent journey. I am your host, Casey arrodi, positive discipline trainer and parent coach. I am, as always, thrilled that you are listening in. If you find yourself laughing, taking notes or excited about what you hear on the show today, please do me a favor and pay it forward. Share this episode with your friends, family, neighbors, strangers that you see at the gas station. Your sharing is the reason that I'm able to show up for you each week, and I am so so grateful to do so. I'm really excited to introduce you to my guest today, I have Julie Stubblefield on and she is a health and family strategist and founder of the fit mom revolution. Julie teaches women and their families how to eat well, move often and feel better by treating their bodies with love, respect and compassion. Fad diets, extreme exercise and body shaming are a thing of the past, and Julie shows women how to step away from the diet, diet cycle, yay, and into a nourished mind and body. Her own journey of losing 70 pounds and finding her self compassion along the way fuels topics of discussion on her podcast. Love your podcast and drive her passion for helping others to create a life they enjoy and a body that they love. Hi Julie, welcome to the podcast. Hi

Julie Stubblefield 1:54
Casey, thanks for having me on. It is such a pleasure to be here.

Casey O'Roarty 1:58
Please tell the listeners a little bit more about your journey of doing what you do. Okay.

Julie Stubblefield 2:04
Well, as you said, I lost 70 pounds, and I've kept it off now for more than five years, but that came after paying the price of yo yo dieting for about 15 years. And you know the typical lose 20 gain 30, lose 30, gain 40. It seemed to be a never ending battle, and I finally dialed into what I needed to do to take care of myself, and in doing so, I became inspired to help other women do the same, and I became a fat loss specialist. But little did I know that the real work would actually begin once I started helping other women, I needed to actually learn how to love my body. Even though I had lost 70 pounds, one would think, Hey, you had a big transformation. You've got to be loving it now. No, I actually felt very betrayed by my body, because it didn't look how I thought it should have after a 70 pound transformation, and I also realized in having a bigger focused focus on what I was eating, that I really wasn't feeding my family the way that would be best for them. And then to really, it was about changing a family pattern, and then also changing what was going on in my mind. Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 3:19
So talk a little bit. So you work with women. I have so many questions, but, and I appreciate you talking about, yeah, how you're feeding your family. So what are you hearing from the women who are parents that work with you? What are you hearing from them around food and family and all that stuff?

Julie Stubblefield 3:38
The first thing I hear is they are tired of so many things, not just physically tired, but tired of the over information or under information that they're getting. You know, what's to believed, be believed, what's to be used? What is a bunch of, you know, cockamamie stuff that should just be thrown out the window, right? You know, they're they feel lost about, really, how to take care of their family. We're busy. We're going here, we're going there. How do we have family dinners? How do I cook? How do I get it on the table? And then in the end, they're counting down to either wine and or bedtime, right? Seriously, you know, a lot of times, you know, they're realizing that their families have unhealthy habits, but they just they're not really sure how to address them, because partially, they feel guilty because they know they instilled them. But the other piece is they don't want their kids to feel bad, either about perhaps the physique that they presently have, or habits that are in place, that have maybe been in place for a while, so it's kind of hard to get to that starting point. Yeah.

Casey O'Roarty 4:47
And you know what? There's this other piece too that really sets me off. And all it has to sound like is, what's for dinner? Yeah? I mean, I'm it's that. Question that assumption, like you're in charge, you're in charge of feeding me, even though I am in charge of feeding them. It's just every day, you know. And I joke about it, but it like it's a really, real response, you know. And or especially when it comes from my husband, and I love to look at him and say, I don't know, what are you going to make?

Julie Stubblefield 5:21
Oh my gosh, we do that in my house too, totally. And then he gets the deer in the headlights look like, I don't know, takeout. No, that's not the answer, which sometimes it is, to be quite honest. But yes, we have, amidst everything else that we have going on in our lives, getting kids to and from wherever they need to be, getting them out, out the door, taking care of them, household, whatever errands like crazy. We also are tasked with the responsibility of feeding these people every day, right? And it's it's stressful. It feels like I know I say this all the time at my house. I'm either loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, loading the washing machine and dryer, or unloading them and going to the grocery store. It's like it's all I ever do, and we're thrust with this responsibility, and so sometimes we just get caught in the loop of doing the same thing over and over again that we don't realize that maybe it's not the best options for our family. But sometimes we just don't have the mental capacity to even consider a different way, right?

Casey O'Roarty 6:22
Right? It's so easy to say we're having burritos like, that's our go to at our house, right? Because it's easy. It's quick and easy. So, and you mentioned, you know that that piece around, how do we support our kids without making them, like, feel bad, right? So, right. I feel like so many of us that are raising kids today are super aware of body image, you know. And there's, you know, there's the both sides, right? There's, you know, the models and the people on TV and this, like popular culture body image of Look at me, selfie culture. And then there's the conversation around, you know, no fat shaming, and be careful what you say to your daughters, and, well, what about the boys? Like it's coming at us at the same time, these conflicting struggles and and what it looks like to be healthy versus look healthy. And then there's the beauty conversation, and we're I know I am struggling. I know in my own experience. You know, the struggle comes from the fact that the messages are affecting me in my own body image, right? Like I can't as much as I want to be super. I mean, I feel like there's a pendulum swing. Obviously, there's the days where it's like, you know what I'm gonna stop telling myself, I'm gonna stop looking at my belly first thing every time I look in the mirror, versus, you know, the days where I'm just doing the death stare at my belly, which, you know, housed and birthed two children, did amazing things, and is is in pretty good shape, right? However, I can see it like you were saying it my body doesn't look the way I want it to look or how I expected it to look. Plus, you know, putting it up against these cultural norms that aren't even, you know, that are photoshopped or altered by under the knife and feeling less than So. How like, how do we navigate all of that? How do you help

Julie Stubblefield 8:23
that self question?

Casey O'Roarty 8:25
Sorry, I got really excited.

Julie Stubblefield 8:29
Okay, so we use the mantra in our house, and I use this with all of my clients. When you feel healthy, you look healthy. So what the heck does healthy mean, so it's not, it's not, and you could use the same equivalency of fit, you know, there's a whole bunch of synonyms that we could use. Feeling and being healthy isn't about like what size pants you wear. It's not what the number says on the scale at your feet every morning. It's how you interact with food, how you interact with exercise, how you interact with sleep, stress, school, work, each other, and most importantly, yourself and when you are when you're focused on how you physically want to feel, if you want to feel energetic, if you want to feel strong, if you want to feel independent of your food choices, instead of dependent on them, all of that's going to be reflected in how you carry yourself, how you interact with other people. It's going to improve your confidence, and it's your when you feel healthy. You're going to look healthy because you're taking care of yourself a different way. So unfortunately, we tend to go after the latter first, right? We go for I want to look a certain way, right? And we try to reverse engineer it. And what ends up happening is we don't feel healthy in the process, whether it's mentally or physically. So if you start with how you feel first, the way that you look will follow. Mm. I

Casey O'Roarty 10:00
love that, I love that. And that's something I think that is applicable and in our relationships. And, you know, it's the be do have, right? Versus, as soon as I have that, then I'll do this, and then I'll feel this way, right, starting off with, you know, being, and it's so true, right? I mean, we can we were in the same clothes with the same hair and makeup, and walk into a room feeling insecure and continuing, you know, and just having an insecure, not so great experience, versus doing what we need to do to like, breathe in that confidence, breathe in that connection to ourselves, ready to roll, walk into that same room and have a completely different experience?

Julie Stubblefield 10:47
Yes, and I actually have a really funny story on that, yes. So I have short hair, and when you have a good hair day, like you're just ecstatic, like, you know it. I'm sure everybody has that, but when you have short hair, and you're kind of like, in between haircuts, like, when you have a great hair day, you celebrate. And my husband and I were going on a day date to the water. We were going to the Northern Neck of Virginia, and I got in the truck and I said, I am having a great hair day, and my husband has hardly any hair, and he's like, Oh, great. She's gonna be talking about her hair today. So that's right, I'm having a good hair day. Get used to it. So when we were finishing up dinner, I'd excuse myself and found him standing on the dock taking pictures of women because they were there for like, a girls weekend, and they wanted a group shot, and so he was doing that, and I walked up, and the women were like, Oh my gosh, you have the most amazing haircut ever. Can we touch it? They took pictures of their their hair, person to look at, and they wanted to know what it was called, and my husband's looking at me like, What the heck is going on? They people don't do this. It's just a short haircut. And I said, I'm telling you, it's because I knew my hair looked great that day. You know, if I had been having my hair may have looked the same on any other day, but if I didn't feel confident about it, right, who knows what would have happened, you know? And I came away feeling even better about my hair, and I had a series of several great hair days, just because I think I loved it a little bit more. We could apply that to so many different aspects of our lives, and we look, we look past that, because we get caught up in the monotony of the daily life,

Casey O'Roarty 12:26
right? Yeah, so, so true. And I think even, you know, often the conversations I have on this podcast are about like, you know, how to deal with tantrums or defiance or, you know, whatever the challenges of the moment with our kids, and even in that, you know, when we step into that and ready for a fight, that's what we're going to get when we step into those moments and those challenges, already feeling connected and trusting, that our children want to be cooperative, that our children want to feel connected, then it's going to be a whole different experience. So I really appreciate that. Thank you

Julie Stubblefield 13:02
Sure.

Casey O'Roarty 13:03
When I was on your blog and prepping for this interview, I saw a quote from you that I really, really loved, that I want you to speak into. And it goes like this, if you only take care care of your body as if it's broken, you will never be able to see it as already whole. Will you tell us about what you mean there? Julie,

Julie Stubblefield 13:25
yeah, so it's the, it's the basic concept of what you focus on expands, you know, if, let's say, for example, you get a blemish on your car, you know, a door, dang, or you scrape something going past a sign or whatever. And if you focus on that, every time you go to get in your car, suddenly your car is not going to be as appealing to you, you know. Now it's got a blemish. Now it's not perfect. Now it's got this and, you know, maybe it's in a weird place where it costs a ton of money to fix and you just don't want to make that investment. Suddenly, you know, your car maybe isn't as big of a source of pride, whereas, if you had acknowledged that it was there, oops, I got somebody gave me a door, dang, a well, and then never gave it attention again, your car would still have the same value to you, right? So the same is true with our bodies. If you spend time looking at all of your perceived flaws, and I really don't believe we have flaws, because who's to say what is perfection? And if you have you have to have an image of perfection in order to have understood flaws. So there is no perfect body. But if you're looking at your perceived flaws, and you're spending a lot of time focusing on them, calling them out, you know, you know, self deprecating remarks to other people, then you will never, ever be able to see your beauty. And beauty is whole always, and your body is already whole. It is not broken. It's okay if you have parts of it. That aren't your favorite. I mean, shoot, that's that's life, right? There are parts of our lives that aren't our favorite. There are parts of our kids that aren't our favorite, parts of our parent, our spouses and partners that aren't our favorite. It's okay to have that about ourselves too. But if we, if we don't ever get past those, we can't see the big picture. We can't see that our bodies are already amazing and beautiful and whole, and that's worthy of celebrating.

Casey O'Roarty 15:23
So how do you what are some what are some like, what are one or two simple things that listeners could take away from you, Julie, that would be stepping stones towards like, I'm thinking about myself, right? So my least favorite part of my body is my belly, and it's and it's been with me for a long time, like I even remember, you know, homecoming dance. I'm gonna, you know, for the two weeks before homecoming. I'm gonna do 100 crunches every night, you know, to flatten things out. I mean, I can really, really trace it back. So what are some, like, little tips that you have for helping us? Like, first of all, we have to be aware when we're doing it. Because I think sometimes, like in so many things in our lives, we go into automatic pilot, and we're in that, you know, that self talk that isn't helpful without even realizing that we're in the self talk so, you know, so there's that awareness piece, and then they're, you know, shifting out of it. What would you how would you support listeners and shifting out of what's familiar, which is, uh, like, I, you know, I, I had planned to tell you about, like, I'm, I need to lose 10 pounds. Like that has seriously been my mantra since I was 16 years old. And even when I lose 10 pounds, it's like, I need to lose 10 pounds. It's just like this. And I the other day, I decided like, well, what if I didn't need to lose 10 pounds? What would my life be like then? And I'm noticing that it would be useful to have something to something to replace that with. So what would you how would you support me and others that are listening thinking like, yeah, that sounds familiar.

Julie Stubblefield 17:15
So I'm going to give you two things that are for beginners who maybe haven't had this awareness or even thought process yet. And then I'm going to give you two things that are a little more woowoo for the people who maybe have spent some more time on it. So you know, if you're a beginner, and you know you're just starting to wrap your brain around like, how the heck is it possible for me to not hate my body? So the first thing is, obviously having that awareness. But the second thing is, is pause when you have that awareness and you hear that, that recording being played in your head of you know, analyzing yourself and then criticizing yourself, hit pause.

And then wait for just a second, any time that we go from a thought to an action. So you may be thinking these thoughts, but then you you're kind of saying them to yourself. So any time that we have that in our brains, there is a pause, there is a small window of time before we flip from one to the other. So your goal is actually to expand that time. So before you make that leap of, you know, look at that belly. Don't go immediately into it's too big, or it's too stretched, or whatever the case may be, pause and then say something neutral. I'm not going to ask you to go from hating your belly to loving it, because that's unrealistic. If you can be neutral about it and say, Hey, I've got a belly I had to love. Not even that belly, yep, you know, just acknowledge it. It's there. It's there. And, you know, I have always called myself thunder thighs. My legs have always rubbed together. You know, now they're big for a different reason, because they're strong and healthy, but that doesn't mean that they that it aggravates me less that they're just big for a different reason. So for the longest time I would walk around and I had that thing like, oh, I can feel my legs rubbing together. Have have huge legs. I hate them. Right to having that pause, I have legs and oh, they're letting me walk around. Yeah, the very basic level say something neutral. It doesn't have to be positive. It doesn't have to be an adoration or any step, any stretch of the imagination, just say something neutral, because all, all that does is it gives you some breathing, it helps you to break that cycle.

Casey O'Roarty 19:50
Okay, so this is what I'm going to say. There's my belly. It's holding my organs. There you go. I can't wait you go. Excited to say that to myself.

Julie Stubblefield 20:01
Okay, what else? All right, so, so that's for the beginner. So you're going to pause, and then you're going to find something neutral to say, and then you're going to move on. You know, it doesn't have to be a big thing. You're just going to say something neutral and move on. So this is for the more experienced who've been playing around with this a little while, a little more Woo, woo, awesome. I want you to say still the same first step, which is pause. The next thing is, how would I feel without this thought? So, how would you feel if you didn't condemn your belly every single morning. Would you feel liberated? Yeah, yes. Okay, so focus on feeling liberated instead of feeling tied to what your belly looks like. Okay, can you? Can you see the difference how there's that little bit of what? How would I feel if I didn't have this thought, Who would I be? Yeah, if you wanted to take it one step further, would my life dramatically changed if I had a super flat belly? Probably not just kidding,

Casey O'Roarty 21:14
right? Because, guess what, I've had a super flat belly, and it's the same life.

Julie Stubblefield 21:19
Yes, yes. Yes. You know, people said to me all the time, after having a big physical transformation, oh my gosh. You know, life's got to be so much more enjoyable. Now it's like, well, I mean, from a health perspective, yes, I could keep up with my kids. I could keep up with my husband. You know, I wasn't huffing and puffing walking groceries in from the car. But from like, it's not like people were like, Hey, she's skinny. Look at her,

Casey O'Roarty 21:45
right? The paparazzi doesn't show up, like, we must take your picture now that you're looking so good,

Julie Stubblefield 21:49
exactly, exactly, you know, it was still the empty and load the dishwasher, empty and load the washer, right? And go to the grocery store, right? You know that that was still very much the core of my life, so, you know, so that's for the more experience. You still take that pause, right? Because it's important, you have to appreciate that that pause is available for you in any situation. And then, how would I feel without that thought, right? And then you can take it one more step and say, you know, would my life actually be dramatically different if my body were different in this way, chances are the answer is no. Thank

Casey O'Roarty 22:24
you for that. I am excited to put that into practice. So now let's shift over, as you know, because we are two moms, right? And your work is all around being healthy, being fit mind body. So what does healthy look like on the dinner table? What would you say are healthy habits, food wise,

Julie Stubblefield 22:44
well, it could look very different depending on the family, to be quite honest with you. So there's not a one size fits all for individuals. So there's not one for families. As a general guideline, protein, veggie, fruit and then some kind of, you know, rice potato, which you would consider like a classic starch now, that can take shape in many different ways. Mean, we use rotisserie chickens from Kroger like nobody's business because they're already good. Yes, I am not going to lie to you and say that everything is home cooked on the table. God, every single night, it's not now I will say I have two children with a lot of food sensitivity, so I do cook probably more than the average person, because that's what my family needs. But you know, is as much less processed food as possible. Now, healthy eating for families scares a lot of mom because a lot of moms, because we have, you know, whatever world we're existing in right now, however we're feeding our families, and what you see on the internet as it has to be 100% clean and organic, and, yeah, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And people are like, Wait, I don't know how to do that. I can't do that. I can't afford that. And so they shut down. And I totally can appreciate that, because I felt very much the same way. And we don't eat 100% clean, we don't eat all organic, we have junk food, we eat ice cream, you know, but my we're all much healthier, so it's about finding that blend of what's right for your family and what's doable if you if you're aspiring to do something that you can't even execute one or two nights a week, it's too strict, it's too hard, it's not a good fit for you or your family. So it's experimentation. Got it in terms of healthy habits. At dinner, no cell phones,

Unknown Speaker 24:44
yes,

Julie Stubblefield 24:44
no digital devices, thank you. Open conversation, nope, no. I have two boys and a husband that's really hard to avoid. No

Casey O'Roarty 24:58
farts, poop. Oops, not needed at the table, children, yeah, at least we're aspiring for that, right?

Julie Stubblefield 25:07
Yes, yes, that would be the lofty goal.

Casey O'Roarty 25:11
Lofty. I like that. It is a lofty goal. We

Julie Stubblefield 25:14
actually serve our food away from the table, so I don't put all of the platters and everything on the table. I kind of, we fix our plates and then sit down and we encourage slow eating. How

Casey O'Roarty 25:28
do you do that? What does that sound like? What does that look like? That

Julie Stubblefield 25:31
encourage take a bite, you take a bite or two, and then contribute to the conversation. So essentially, we work on one person not dominating the entire conversation, which gives the rest of the family a chance to, like, inhale all their food and go, Hey, I need more, which, in some cases, sometimes people do need more, but it takes a while for your body to realize that you've even put anything in there. And we're so used to doing things fast. Kids generally have to eat quickly at school because of the lunch schedule, and that often translates into dinner. So it's that one was probably the hardest part of what I changed at our dinner table was all of us collectively slowing down. Can I say that we're that we execute that 100% of the time? No way. But we're much better than we were two or three years ago, and it cuts down on overeating, it cuts down on indigestion, it cuts down on the need for Tums two hours later, and it generally makes for a better eating experience, because no one's dominating a conversation and you actually taste your food.

Casey O'Roarty 26:37
Do you have any rules like I'm thinking about, you know, a lot of the parents that I that show up in my community or that listen to the podcast, have really little kids, and I would love your perspective on, you know, there's what are they called, like, food, food jags. Is that what they're called when they stop eating certain foods, or they'll only eat a certain kind of food, or they are super picky eaters. What is your take on that? And then some parents are like, we have one No, thank you. Bite. So one bite to try the food, and then you don't have to try anymore. What do you think

Julie Stubblefield 27:16
it really depends on the kid? And why that that jag is there? If there are no allergies going on or anything else happening, like socially or developmentally, then you you let it run its course. Because, honestly, creating conflict around food is the last thing you want to do, because you're creating patterns that are being set for a lifetime, right? I do request gratitude bites, and I do

Casey O'Roarty 27:46
three gratitude bites, yes,

Julie Stubblefield 27:49
thank you for putting food on my plate, mom. Thank You that we have food to eat. My kids have been told from a very young age that we're very blessed that we have that we have access to food and we can buy whatever we need. And it is important to understand that that is something to be thankful. Love that. Julie, love that, and it's showing gratitude to me for preparing it, because my effort in the kitchen should be recognized, because I don't do it just because I love to cook because, quite honestly, that's not my favorite thing in

Casey O'Roarty 28:24
the heart, neither I wish I did, but I just don't,

Julie Stubblefield 28:28
right, you know, and I do okay in the kitchen. I'm definitely not a chef by any stretch of the imagination, but I do it because it's what is best for my family, especially food sensitivities considered. So, you know, I feel like it's important for them to show gratitude towards me, or if we go to someone else's house to, you know, to show thank you for making the effort for me. I really appreciate it beyond the three bites, I don't really care. My kids went from living off of chicken tenders and tater tots to eating bison and asparagus and brussel sprouts. And, you know, they eat, really, whatever we eat, great. Now, how old are your which is,

Casey O'Roarty 29:08
how old are your boys?

Julie Stubblefield 29:09
Almost 15 and 13. And I don't do it's been probably two and a half years since I've done, like, separate meals.

Casey O'Roarty 29:24
Oh, yeah, we don't do any separate meals. Yeah.

Julie Stubblefield 29:28
And I will make if there's something like my husband and I really want to have make exceptions, like, because of food sensitivities, especially. But for the most part, it's, you know, they're not going to let themselves starve. And I know that's the hardest thing for parents to get a a well developed child who is taken care of and loved at home, will not let themselves start right? And it is okay to say, if you're not going to eat, I'll catch you next meal, right? It's hard. It's hard. It's hard for it on the mommies, oh my god, so hard. It breaks our hearts. Because, let's face it, though, if your kid were really hungry, they would eat it, right? So you know, it's at that time, it's time to kind of look at snacks before meals. And I tell you, this kid, this generation of our kids, they are the snack generation, for sure. I don't remember this many snacks growing up as a kid, like, maybe a ho ho, like, or a ding dong.

Casey O'Roarty 30:28
Yeah, we had ding dongs. Gross. So you have, you have two boys. So I'm going to shift the conversation a little bit. So you have two boys. What kind of body image, if any, are you having body image conversations with your boys. So what does it sound like with the boys?

Julie Stubblefield 30:44
It sounds like Mom, the guys at school are like, so

Casey O'Roarty 30:48
big Yeah, and six pack and

Julie Stubblefield 30:50
yes. And I have a late bloomer for the older son. And you know, he's tall and gangly and really at that awkward stage, and he's growing leaps and bounds, but hasn't filled out yet. A lot of these other kids got their gross for in middle school and have already started packing on the muscle. And it's really evident obviously at gym when they're changing into the uniforms. And so we talk about it. And the first thing, and this applies for any child, no matter the gender, no matter the age, if we want our children to feel good about their bodies, we have to model it. Yes. So if they're hearing us talk negatively about ourselves, guess what they're going to do? They're going to do the exact same thing. So talk about yourself openly the way that you would want to hear your kids talk about themselves. And it's never too late to start modeling something different. So if your kids are older and you're like, oh my gosh, I've, you know, ruined it because I've talked negatively about myself for years, it's never too late to change the course of conversation. But in terms of, like, how they feel about it. Open conversation, you know, how, how are you feeling about this, and acknowledge their feelings like it's okay to feel insecure. Don't sweep them under the rug. Because if we, if we start doing that, they're not going to talk to us anymore, right about these things. And if we're, if they're not, if they're not going to talk to us about how they feel about their body, they're not going to talk to us about other things that we want them to share about their bodies when they get right so, you know, this is, this is a really tender time to to hold space for how they're feeling and acknowledge that it's, it's fine to feel that way, and then really, I focus on how they want to feel. How do you want to feel right now?

My older son the other night said, I want to feel strong. He's been dealing with some some rehab issues on his right knee, and he hasn't been as active as he's wanted to Okay. What can we focus on for you to feel strong. Well, I know I need to keep doing my PT exercises and get back to my fencing competitions. Great. Let's make sure that you're on plan to do that so it's a redirected focus on how they want to feel and then the actions that they can take in order to do that. You know they want to feel confident. Okay? What makes you feel confident? Well, my hair feels a little long. I probably could use a haircut. Okay, let's go get you a haircut. You know, like, there's that good hair day thing, yeah, and all the boys need the fades these days. Nice haircuts, like every three weeks. That's crazy,

Casey O'Roarty 33:36
right? Because be long on the top and then short all the way around, right? That's what Ian's got going on. And I swear. I'm like, we were we? You just Mom, it's getting long. On the sides, I'm like, You, we were just there anyway. Side note about haircuts, but oh my gosh,

Julie Stubblefield 33:53
that's okay, at least they care about they do. I would much rather that than not want to shower and not care. And

Casey O'Roarty 34:00
the guy that cuts my hair, he told me that he read some study that when they look at who touches and fiddles with their hair the most, it is like he said that it was 11 to 15 year old boys. Oh, my one I know. Isn't that so funny, but then I look at my I mean, I've got one of those for sure. It's so funny. Oh yeah, funny, yeah,

Julie Stubblefield 34:23
absolutely. And the other big piece that we talk about, and this applies to boys or girls, is, is individuality. And we talk about, you know what? What makes you an individual, you know? And highlight the things and what's individual about it, man, you know you have your own DNA. You have your own your own way of looking and being and experiencing this world. Why would your body be outside of that individuality? And then we focus on something to celebrate about their end? That individuality, whether it's about their body or something else. So it's about redirecting that focus again, what you focus on expanding so, you know, focus on that individuality in which you can celebrate, focus on how they want to feel and how you can amplify that, and then focus on having open conversations and keeping the dialog going, so that you know what's going on in their head and then the hearts, and then when they start clamming up about it, you know, you need to dig a little bit deeper, right?

Casey O'Roarty 35:26
So what about when? You know when? And, well, this is like, I'm going to be awkward in this question, right? So, and that's okay. So what if you, you know, there's a listener out there, and they're thinking about their child, and they're thinking, you know, that they're probably not healthy, right? And that there's some clear indications that food has become, you know, that health there's health risks. How do we have those conversation? Because there's this other piece, like, we don't want anyone to feel we don't want them to feel ashamed, right? And at the same time, we need to have a conversation about health and well being right. How, like, what is that? What are some tips there? Because I feel like that's a really sensitive, messy conversation, absolutely.

Julie Stubblefield 36:17
And I couldn't agree more, and I do just want to kind of, you know, underline that, you know, shame is not a motive, motivating factor for adults or children alike, and that's never a great strategy in particularly around body issues. So if you've noticed that you know your child is potentially needing some changes in their health regimen in order to make sure that they have a healthy body. The first thing that I would look at is, you know, how are they physically feeling? Have you noticed that maybe they stay in bed longer? And obviously teenagers, that's kind of hard, because they need a little more sleep. But, you know, have you noticed that maybe they feel sluggish? You know, try to bring that out of them. You know, are you? Are you feeling tired at school? How are you doing at school? If you can focus again on how they're feeling right, you can talk about the foods that they can eat to help them feel in a way that maybe they would want to feel better. So if they're feeling super sluggish, have them talk. Have them try some different foods that would make them feel more energetic. You're going to laugh at me when I tell you this, but there was a summer where I made my kids track when they eat, when they ate, like, cereal for breakfast, and how soon they were hungry again? Great.

Casey O'Roarty 37:45
I would, yeah, go on gone,

Julie Stubblefield 37:49
because I got tired of buying cereal. Like, yeah, it's not a meal. They would open, yeah, they would open a box, and it was gone. Like, what? Where is it going? Who are the cereal monsters here? And, you know, I would hear them in the kitchen, like, an hour later, and they kept saying, No, we're not eating that often. Like, okay, here's the deal. You're gonna write down the time you had breakfast, what you ate, and the time that you were hungry again. So we did that for like, three weeks, and then for three weeks they had, like, a protein at breakfast, and then something that wasn't full of sugar. And then did the same thing, and oh my gosh, it opened everybody's eyes great that they felt better all day long. They weren't hungry as often. And both of them actually had a change in their circumference of their waist. And that was like an unintended side effect, and wasn't really necessary, but we all noticed it so that they saw the data. They were old enough at that time. They were both in middle school. They were old enough to say, hey, cereal is not doing very well for my body. I'll just reserve that for every now and again. So it's not banned from our house. It's something that they consume when they aren't necessarily worried about how they're going to feel. You know, it's an every now and again. Well, and I

Casey O'Roarty 39:07
love that you offered them an opportunity to see, to discover, right? Versus you saying, hey, having a bowl of sugar every morning is the reason that you know, instead of you giving them the information, you opened up an experience for them to discover the information. And that is always so much more powerful than the wah wah wah wah that we can do as well.

Julie Stubblefield 39:33
That was trial and error. I did try to go the route of you're having X number of grams per sugar every morning. Do you know what's happening to your body? So you know, hey, I'm a fat loss specialist. It's gonna come out, right, right, right, right. Oh

Casey O'Roarty 39:43
yeah. I'm a parent educator, believe me, I understand. Oh yeah.

Julie Stubblefield 39:49
So, so, yeah. You know, the more that you can get them involved with talking about, like, physically, how they're feeling right now, and the. Especially, especially if your child is maybe feeling a little bit shy or withdrawn, maybe even a little bit depressed. I'm not stating that depression shouldn't be treated clinically or seen by a physician, so don't take this as medical advice, but what goes in your child's body impacts how they feel mentally and emotionally, additionally to physically. So you can talk about different foods which are and you don't need to share this with them, but you know things that aren't as rich in sugar, but are rich in nutrients that will allow them to see if they feel better mentally and physically and emotionally. You could do it as an experiment. Yeah, I love the more that you involve them in giving feedback and tracking how they're feeling and then saying, Hey, I noticed a difference and tuning into their body, the sooner you can teach your kids to tune in to their body. Oh my gosh, that's the biggest gift that you can give them, because they'll know when things aren't right, and they'll know when to tell doctors and when to tell you and all I mean, you're creating a lifelong success. The other thing with that is to really focus on I lost my train of thought. I'm coming back to it. It's circling around a bit, it's all good. Focus on just getting them to write things down, because even if they don't necessarily share it with you, and this is more, I would say, middle school, high school, if they kind of keep a little log, like I felt shaky at 1pm at school, or I felt really grumpy right before lunch, you know, that gives you some ideas of, hey, maybe they need a little more substance, you know, substance to their breakfast. Or maybe their lunch needs a little bit more to carry them through the day. You know, that gives you some insights. And they might just kind of say, Yeah, well, you know, I feel hungrier than I should at lunch. You know, they're going to kind of filter it the way they want you to hear it, sure, but, but getting them to pay attention is great. Now, if they're Elementary and preschool age, they can just do a happy or a sad sticker for how they felt after they Yes, you know, sometimes kids talk about their bellies aching, and they don't really know why, and we don't really know why, and sometimes you can tie it to the timing of food or even what they're eating. And you can do it really with a happy or a sad face, and you can look for trends that way. And you'll have they're not going to be able to say, well, introspectively, I feel like, you know my stomach hurts, and our very first question is going to be, do you need

Casey O'Roarty 42:37
to poop? Exactly? It's always my first question, go poop.

Julie Stubblefield 42:41
We still have that gone to the bathroom today, and we've gotten into even into the kids age of being almost 13 to 15. Pooping is self care. Yeah, that far. So you know, use what's appropriate for the language level and articulation level of your child, and the more that you can get them to listen to what their body's telling them, that's like the biggest gift you could ever give them. So to kind of recap all of that, you know, involve them, treat it as an experiment, get them to pay attention. And for the younger kids, you're going to have to do more observation. How's their behavior? How are they waking up in the morning? How was bedtime? All of those things. Because, again, it's not just physical, it's mental and emotional as well. It's being impacted by food. And then do it together as a family. My biggest suggestion if you were to do any changes in your home is to never do an overhaul, ever.

Casey O'Roarty 43:41
Don't my husband will be still happy to hear you say that. I'm like, we're gonna Leo, or we're vegan, and Ben's like, Oh God, no,

Julie Stubblefield 43:53
that's just Mutiny on the Bounty. Way to happen, yes, because they, even the spouses don't understand, like, where our motivation is coming from. They haven't read what we've read where they don't know, just, like, what? What do you mean? I can't have my, you know, frosted Cheerios. So start with something small, like, we're gonna start having more vegetables. And then when everybody's used to that, okay, we're gonna start having less cereal. And then once everybody feels comfortable with that, you know, we're going to start having more water, you know. And then then you're going to cut back on sugar drinks, right? You know. So you introduce the healthier option first, and then you reduce the less desired option second. And it works for two reasons. It's a positive psychology piece of you're introducing the behavior first that you want to increase, and then you know, by second nature, you're you're going to want to decrease something else. So you target that thing that you want to decrease. Love it. And that way the emphasis is going you're not taking something from them. You're getting. Feeding them something first, and it just it works so much better that way. And we all know we have a hard enough time feeding our families anyway. So why would you make it more difficult on yourself than necessary

Casey O'Roarty 45:11
through that? Julie, if not worth it, yes, and you have offered so much in this call. Thank you so much for all of it. I'm excited for my own new personal mantras and to really consider what's happening in the pantry right now. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have one last question for you that I love to end with all of my guests, and so I would love to know what does joyful courage mean to you? Julie,

Julie Stubblefield 45:44
joyful courage means taking the approach of curiosity and hope to create a beautiful experience for you and your family. I

Speaker 1 45:54
love that. Yeah, so, you know, it

Julie Stubblefield 45:58
requires growth and inquiry and a lot of love, but it's it's something worth going out on a limb for. Love

Casey O'Roarty 46:04
it. Thank you. Where can listeners find you and follow your work?

Julie Stubblefield 46:11
You can visit me at FIT mom revolution.com I have all kinds of goodies there, including some free challenges for the mamas. And there's also a healthy family podcast series that you can find on my website, which is free, with all kinds of little gems in there. And then you can also listen to me weekly on love your podcast. You can search iTunes and Stitcher Radio and all the normal places where podcasts are found.

Casey O'Roarty 46:38
Great. Thank you so much for coming on.

Julie Stubblefield 46:40
Thank you for having me. It was a pleasure to talk about bellies and bellies and body image and how to talk to our teens about food and our bodies. And of course, if any of your listeners have questions about this episode, they're more than welcome to email me. It's super easy to find me. Julie at fit momrevolution.com I'm happy to exchange, you know, tips and, you know, have a conversation online about any of this at any time, I'm here to help.

Casey O'Roarty 47:14
Wasn't that such a great conversation with Julie? I so appreciate all of her insights and her come from around how to treat, how to love, how to be in the body that we have today. So thank you again, Julie, for being a part of the show. Listeners. I'm really glad that you have stuck around till the end, because, because, because the joyful courage 10 program is coming back around. Joyful courage. 10 is happening again, and this time it's the summer edition. So those of you that participated last fall or last winter, you got 10 days of really deep practice and possibility and expansion through the daily connection of the joyful courage community. And this is going to be the same kind of thing, except for this time, we're focusing on getting grounded for the summer months. Because regardless if you're a working parent, if you're a stay at home parent, if you've got kids at camp or kids at home, there's stuff that comes up, right? There's stuff that comes up that makes it sometimes feels like a tricky time of year. So the joyful courage 10 is really going to be an opportunity for you to get grounded, get grounded in what you want to create in your home and your family through the summer months, right? Who do you want to be inside of your summer? 2017, experience so joyful courage 10, you can sign up right now. If you head over to the website, joyful courage.com/jc 10 will get you there. Or you can look on the navigation and you'll see the hashtag, joyful courage. 10 link in the navigation, there will also be links in the show notes. So check the show notes for that. I'm super excited. You may have seen my Facebook Live last week. I am going on a little hiatus of Facebook Live because I'm going to change things up a bit in the in the in the podcast. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to alternate interviews with solo shows, and solo shows, though, everything always gets published on Tuesday. And then what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you till Friday, and then I'm going to have a Friday Facebook Live where we get to be in discussion around the concepts that came up during the Tuesday solo show, because I really want the podcast to be more than just me talking at you, right? I want it to be more than that. I want it to be a conversation that we're having inside the community. And so that's. Yes, that's one of the things that I'm going to do. I'm going to try out with the Facebook Live and I'm really, really excited to include you all in that, to offer that for you. So I'll let you know when that's going to happen. I'm not quite sure when that's going to take place. Also, I sent an email out to, not today, yesterday, to subscribers of my newsletter list that haven't opened the last 10 emails. And isn't it crazy that technology can show me that there are quite a few people that aren't opening my emails, which is great because I sent out an email that said, Do you want to unsubscribe? And the reason I did that is because it's I want to make sure that my content is going to people that want to hear it, and I know that it is liberating for me. I sign up for things all the time, and then going through and unsubscribing sometimes I feel bad, even though the people I don't, I might not even know the people, but I just I'm not opening the emails. I don't, you know, I'm not connected to the community, and I'm okay with that. My guess is, if you're listening to the podcast, you're probably feeling connected to the community. But will you just check your inbox, check your promotions folder? If you're a Gmail person, because my emails might be going to your promotions folder. And if you want to be opening and reading the emails, then you're going to want to get me into your general folder, and you're going to want to, like, let me know that you want to stick around. So or not, you might be like, I'm good, I'm good with the podcast. I don't need the emails. That is totally fine, too. So, yeah, that's another thing that's happening. And what else do I want to tell you about I'm just really, really grateful for all of you. I'm grateful for the way the community is growing. Don't forget that you can always follow me. I'm trying to get more active on Instagram using the story feature. I am on Twitter, and if you are not already a part of the live in love with joyful courage Facebook group, please head on over there, get in on the conversation and the support that's happening there. The Living joyful courage membership program. Registration is going to be open the end of June. Many of you are on the interest list, which is great because, well, it's great if you open the emails, but it's great because I will keep in touch with you and let you know when you can join us. The membership has been transformative for the parents that are a part of it, and I would love, love, love to have more of you join us. There. We do monthly webinars. There are weekly group coaching calls. We have a private Facebook group and emails, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. So yeah, it's pretty rad. It's pretty awesome. And you are welcome to join us the end of June. So there you go. That's what I've got for you. That's what I've got. It's the afternoon here, so any minute, people are gonna be barreling in from the garage, and I'm gonna have to edit out sound. So I'm just gonna say big, huge love to all of you. I appreciate you. And yeah, keep showing up for yourself. Keep showing up for your family, and keep showing Up in the joyful courage community all love you.

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