Eps 521: Teenagers and lying

Today Joyful Courage is trusting that the foundation is laid for our kids to lean in and continue to develop their life skills, as they navigate the relationships and experiences of their life.

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 00:04
hello, welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens, this is real work, people, and when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey o'rourdy. I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead at sproutable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son. I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you, and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic, so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show, and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring if you love today's show, please, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials, or text it to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts, I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome, welcome, welcome, enjoy the show. Hey everybody. Welcome back to the joyful courage podcast. It's solo show day. I'm so glad to have you here. I love it when it's just you and me. It's fun. It's fun to me to just get to talk to you. So yeah, hi, welcome, welcome, welcome. What did you think about Monday's show? So I had Anne Louise Lockhart, dr, Anne Louise Lockhart on. She actually came on a while back and I re released that show. I don't have a lot of episodes about ADHD and raising kids with ADHD, and I know that there's a lot of you out there who are navigating the teen years with kiddos that are wired with ADD ADHD, and I just feel like Dr Lockhart is the most knowledgeable person, or one of the most knowledgeable people to be in conversation with about that. And you know, this whole podcast thing, it's really interesting. I'm over 500 episodes in, and there have been so many amazing conversations, and I have them and I release them, and then there's a new one the next week, a new one the next week. And it feels like some of these super gems get buried to be forgotten way back in the archives. So that's one of the reasons that I like to share older interviews and re release interviews, is because, oh my gosh, there's some really good stuff. There's some really good conversations that I've had with people. And I want to make sure, one, that those of you that are just new to the show get a chance to listen without having to go back in time. But also, two, those of you that maybe heard the show when it came out live are reminded of the wisdom that was shared, right? Because we can't hear things, I mean, enough times, especially things that are so useful and wise. So I love sharing old shows, and that is something that I think is going to be kind of folded into the podcast when I relaunch next spring. I mentioned that a couple weeks ago that I'm relaunching the podcast. Don't worry, there's not going to be massive changes. You're still going to, you know, get all the things that you're used to getting from me on the weekly basis, but there's going to be some formatting changes and some artwork changes and just some tightening of things, which is really exciting, but yeah, one of the pieces is, how can I bring back some of you, know, especially those interviews that have just been so, so useful, like Dr Klein, like Brenda Zane, Like Dr Lockhart, right? Anyway, I just wanted to mention that so I hope that you listened and appreciated it and found a lot of wisdom to take away from the show on Monday. The other thing that's happening right now just in regards to the relaunch, so I've signed up for a podcasting program with my mentor, Elsie Escobar. I love Elsie Escobar, and she does a little five week program. Basically every year. I think I sign up every year just to focus in on what's going well and where we want to up level. And you know, whatever it is that we want to be working on with our Podcast, the podcast is a big deal to me. I love. The podcast. The podcast is, you know, kind of the overarching atmosphere of the work that I do. If you do the six week class with me, you will be invited in to listen to particular episodes that pertain to the content of any particular week. If you're a one on one client with me, we might have conversations, and when I follow up with you, I'll send you podcast episodes to listen to, to go deeper into the content that we may or may not have covered during our hour together. If you're a part of the membership or a part of the living, joyful courage, well, that's the membership or the Facebook group. You might hear some of your questions addressed here on the podcast. So the podcast is really, you know, a big part of the ecosystem of the work that I do. And so I'm always thinking about, how can I make this ever better for you, the listener, as well as for my clients, my members and parents in general, and part of the invitation that has been given to me through this program that I'm doing is to think about, you know, what am I as the host of the podcast? What am I bound to? What do I believe? Right? And I just want to take a little time today to talk about this. So, you know, those of you that have listened for a long time, this is not going to be new, but I think it's really useful for all of us to sit down and be reflective around you know, what are my beliefs? What is driving me in the work that I do, in the way that I show up in the world? And I think the very first thing is that the teen years are messy. I believe that the teen years are messy because it's the nature of the terrain. This is the nature of this season of parenting. It is messy. There's no circumnavigating teen brain development, no matter who you were as a parent, zero to 12 or zero to 10, teen brain development is going to happen no matter what, and things will get messy. I believe in the philosophy of positive discipline. I believe that there is a better way to be with our teens, to guide and support them through this time than the punishments and rewards that maybe were the go to tool for our parents and generations before us, that behaviorism philosophy is not what I believe. And I believe that all people do better and are striving for a sense of belonging and significance. That's the Adlerian theory. That is really what positive discipline stands on, right? I believe that life skill development happens over time, through experience in a relationship that allows space to reflect and process. I believe that our teens want to be in relationship with us. I believe that they want to feel good and that they want to have hope for the future. These are things that I bind myself to. These are beliefs that I hold deeply and bring to the work that I do here on the podcast, as well as with clients.

Casey O'Roarty 08:13
The podcasting program that I'm doing also invites me into thinking about the language that I want to repeat, right? And so what is the language that I repeat here on the pod? Well, one is parenting, specifically parenting teens is the personal growth and development workshop you didn't realize you signed up for. I love saying that I believe it. It's true, and a parent's personal growth is essential for nurturing relationships with their teens. You've heard me say this. I say it to my clients, we can't get through the work of parenting without doing our own growing, and if we refuse or unwilling to look at our places of growth, it's just gonna be a really tough time, right? There's gonna be a lot of conflict and a lot of disconnection. So I'm really all about personal growth on the parenting journey. Another thing that I say a lot language that I repeat, is that the most powerful tool you have for influencing behavior is the relationship you nurture with your teens. I learned this from my mentor, Jody McVitie, when I was working in schools. It's something that she really fostered inside of me, and was a message that she encouraged me to bring to teachers. I love it. I love it. Another thing is, the messiness of the teen years is not necessarily an indication that you're doing something wrong, right? Like I mentioned, the teen years are messy. It's the nature of the terrain teens do better when they feel better. That comes from Jane Nelson and behavior makes sense, right? Belief behind behavior is something we talk about in my classes. I have a whole playlist around this. Misbehavior makes sense that comes straight from Adlerian theory. Another bit of language that I like to repeat is that a misbehaving teen is a discouraged teen, right? That comes from Rudolf dreichers, who studied under Alfred Adler and promoted Adlerian theory. Mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow. That's straight from positive discipline and Jane Nelson's work. And finally, this one is big. The behavior we see is often a solution to a problem we don't know about. Again, something I learned from my mentor, Jody McVitie, the behavior we see is often a solution to a problem we don't know about. And it's been a really powerful exercise to consider all of this and to think about how and when I weave these things into the conversations I'm having here with you all. Today I'm going to play with it right. Specifically that last piece behavior we see is often a solution to a problem we don't know about. The topic I want to dig into today is lying. Right, lying all of us have probably experienced our teens lying to us. All of us probably were teens who told at least one lie. Right. Lying is so triggering to parents. Why? Why do we hate lying? Why do we hate it when our kids lie? Well, it feels like a huge betrayal, right? How dare you lie to me? It feels like a character flaw or a morality issue. We can't believe that our kids don't care enough about us to tell us the truth. We're really good at making the lying about us right, like I thought we had a better relationship than this, or and, or perhaps there were events or experiences in our past that have left a deep wound inside of us that gets poked when our kids lie or are dishonest, or, you know, betray us, betray our trust. This is a place for personal growth on our part. What do we need to heal from so that we don't let the hurt of the past filter into our relationships with our teens? Right? So this is one of those places where we get to do some soul searching. We get to do some personal growth and development around this wound of betrayal that we've carried into now into our parenting. It's big. It's big. Why do teens lie? Why do they lie to us? It's so annoying, right? And listen, there's a very small minority of people who might get through adolescence without lying right? Yes, but really, this is a part of the messiness of the teen years. It's not necessarily an indication that you're doing something wrong or that you have a bad kid. There's lots of reasons that teens lie right. They lie to stay out of trouble, they lie to save face or to look good. They lie to avoid hard conversations or share hard emotions. They lie to get you off their back. They lie to protect their friends. They lie to avoid embarrassment, shame or judgment. They lie to establish autonomy, right? They have reasons, typically, for lying, right? I think there's also a piece here where teens lie because they don't think we can handle the truth, right? That piece around, they lie to protect you. They lie to protect us. They don't want us to feel scared or upset or disappointed, right? What can we do about our teens lying? Right? The first thing I want to say is, do not trap your teens in their lie. If you know something about their behavior, be forthcoming, right? Be real, be transparent. Stay curious, right? Get curious about what is it that your kiddo is trying to protect or avoid? Like I'm really curious about this. What makes it hard for them to talk to you about whatever the problem is, or the challenges? How are they experiencing you, you know, lying? I'm like, wow, this is what I want to know. Like, what makes it hard for them to tell you the truth? Because, remember, behavior makes sense. So the Lying is the tip of the iceberg. What's going on under the surface? What is the lying a solution for what might be they be deeply discouraged about what is the bind that they're in, right? So we get to prioritize the issues. Yes, the Lying is an issue, but what's happening under the surface? So it could sound like here's some examples. Listen, babe, I noticed that you often say that you don't have any homework or nothing to work on, and then. When we look at your grades, they're really suffering due to missing assignments. Tell me about that. How are you feeling about school? How's it going? Or it can sound like I know you love your friends, and I know there's been some mischief making with that group, and I bet that puts you in a tough place, in a bind. What do you need from me so that you can tell the truth and still feel like you're being loyal to them, or hey, you're not getting your chores done, even though you tell us you'll do it. I'm wondering if we need to sit down and create a new plan for contributing to the household that works better for everyone you

Casey O'Roarty 15:44
uh, or finally, you know, it doesn't feel good when you lie to me, and I know you want to keep some of your life private. That makes sense, that's developmentally appropriate. Is there a way we can communicate about it and about life that lets me know that you're okay, just not necessarily wanting to share, right? What's the challenge that the Lying is a solution for? And when we have these hard conversations, it's required that we not get stuck or hooked on the fact that our kiddo lied to us, but instead see that lie as an indicator that something deeper is going on and be curious about that, right? And we get to have hard conversation. Well, not hard. We get to have conversations about the importance of honesty, right? And some points that we can make to our kids around honesty is that it keeps things open and it feeds into the experience of trust. Lying can lead to a double jeopardy, right? It can lead to more trouble. You end up in trouble about what you're lying about, as well as trouble about lying right? Lying complicates things, and it hurts people, right? And which I think is really important, lying can become a pattern that's hard to get out of, right? So we get to talk about this. We get to model this. We get to notice it out in the world, in the movies we watch with them, in the shows and the books, like we get to normalize conversations around honesty and how sometimes it's hard to be honest when we're moving through hard things. I think that's really important and something to remember right. Here's another piece of language I like to repeat mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow. This is something that's actually come up a bunch with clients who have recently found things out or discovered, you know, secrets or sneaks that are going on with their kiddos, you know. And they're devastated, of course, but I remind them like, this could actually be an opportunity here for some pretty impressive growth and learning. When we meet lying with curiosity and concern about what's happening under the surface, we can crack open what's actually going on with our teens, right? I had an explorer call with a mom just last week who was concerned about her daughters lying, especially around school, and her grades were dropping, and how do I get her to stop lying? And I invited her to shift her mindset a little bit. And instead of discussing the lies, talk about hopes and dreams and what her daughter wants most, and how what's happening with school, you know, asking questions around how you know, is what's happening with school, getting you closer or further away from what you say you want. And you know, we did this 15 minute call, and then I sent her an email and said, Here's all the ways we can work together. And she was like, actually, I am good. The value of just that 15 minute call has totally changed everything I did, what you said, tried it on, and it's really been powerful for me and my daughter, but I'm gonna keep you in my back pocket. So yeah, there's a plug for the 15 minute call, right? I think mistakes being opportunities to learn is often an opportunity too, where we can show our kids that we're not gonna make their behavior all about them, and that idea of we're in a snapshot, we're going to get deeper into what's going on here. And when we aren't hooked by the lie, we can send the message of, I see you, I accept you, and I can handle what's going on in your life, right? The other piece here, too, is sometimes when there's a lot of lying going on. It might be a great time to spend more one on one time with your kiddo, to get to know them, their lives and what's important to them. This is a relationship builder. Stay curious and non judgmental, you know. And often parents will say, well, what's the consequence? What's the consequence? I should create? For my kiddo lying. So again, I'm not a fan of punitive consequences, because punitive consequences are just punishments, right? Typically, there's a reason that our kids are lying, and I'm more interested in the reason than in the lying. So I would redefine consequence as rather than something we do to our kids because of behavior we don't like the consequences. We're gonna have some deep conversations about what's happening under the surface, right? And if you feel like, okay, that's great, and I've gotta do something here, and it makes sense and you feel good about it, make sure that whatever it is that you do do is related, reasonable and respectful, right? So if they're lying about driving or substance use or being out in the world in places where they're not supposed to be, it makes sense that we're gonna reign in the freedom a little bit, right? And by reigning in the freedom, it might look like, hey, you know what? This weekend, we're gonna drop in as a family and really connect and spend some time together. It's not gonna be like, Okay, you were across town and lied about it and so you don't get to go out this weekend, right? That's a lot different than, hey, let's connect. Let's reconnect. Let's work on relationship. You know, let's spend some time together. Consequences aren't necessarily needed when our kids lie, because, like I said, when we're focused on going under the surface, you know, we don't have to do something to them because they lied. They get the picture. They get the message. And sometimes, yes, sometimes lying becomes chronic. If they're hiding risky behavior. It's absolutely important to tackle the risky behavior and get help if you need it, if there are underlying mental health issues like OCD anxiety, right? Absolutely, you need a team. You need support, right? Stay transparent with your concern. It can sound like, hey, the lying, it seems to be bigger than what our family can hold. It seems like we aren't really able to get to the underlying issues here. We're gonna find some outside help. Life shouldn't be this hard, right? Life shouldn't be this hard. And if you're moving through a period of time where your teen is lying or withholding truths from you. I just want you to know that I see you and it's hard, and you are not alone. You're not alone. I hope that this episode is useful to you. I hope that you're taking away some nuggets, some communication tools, some mindset shifts to help you move through what you're going through. If you'd like more support book an explore call with me. It's a 15 minute call. You can tell me a little bit about what's going on. I can offer some support, and I can let you know what I've got going on. That might be a good fit for you. I am here to serve. And you can book an explore call at besproutable.com/explore, I am going to leave you today with a quote from positive discipline, A to Z. It goes through a bunch of different challenges. It's more focused on younger kids, but I found this quote, and I thought that it would fit today's content. Children can learn that it is safe to tell the truth in their family, even when they forget, that they can be reminded with gentleness and love, and I would add curiosity, they can learn that their parents care about their fears and mistaken beliefs and will help them overcome them. Be sure to write me an email, a message or a review to let me know what you thought about this show. I will see you next week. You music. Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my sproutable partners, Julieta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages, and sign up for our newsletter to stay better [email protected] tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview, and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.

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