Eps 448: Practices for tending to ourselves in the new year

Today Joyful Courage is all about gratitude for the gifts this life continues to provide. Gifts of self growth, gifts of relationship and connections, gifts of abundance and financial security. So. Much. Gratitude. Happy new year!

Transcription

Casey O'Roarty 00:05
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead. It's browseable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:31
Hi, Welcome back friends. Welcome back to the show to the last show of 2023. Weird, right? I mean, it feels weird to me. I don't know about you. I saw this meme a few weeks ago that said, realising there's 20 days left in 2023. And you're still processing 2019, which is about to be five years ago. And I kind of lost my mind. Not gonna lie. I kinda lost my mind when I read that. Looking back to 2019, probably the peak year for my parenting experience. 2019 2020 Whoa, yeah. And now we're moving into 2014. It's so weird. But time keeps moving on. And life keeps unfolding. We keep moving through periods of ease and connection. And then through seasons of pain and disconnection. And it all just keeps unfolding, doesn't it? Did you listen to my show with Andrea Owen on Monday? I did. I listened to it. I took a walk with Daisy around Sweet Little Lake Louise here by my house. And I listened to that conversation. And man I like her. I'm just really into everything. She had to say I loved her conversation around values work, I really appreciate it. You know, it kind of blew my mind is when she was talking about the practice of going back and being with our parents, inner child. You heard me if he listened to the podcast, I'm kind of mind blown at that moment. There's so much work that we get to do around going back in time and tending to our little person, right that we were and what did we need? And how can we offer it now? It's next level to think about our parents as small kids moving through life, working out how to survive and their family system. And yeah, I loved that part of our conversation. There were so many great nuggets to take away. Yeah, so good, and really fitting for the work that we're going to do today. So if you've been keeping up with the solo show, this month of November, then you've been taking inventory of the last year and connecting with where you've been, where you're at, and where you want ahead as we round the corner into the beginning of a new year. Right? We started the month with a conversation around emotional intelligence, right and the practice of emotional intelligence, the teaching of emotional intelligence, followed by the following week, a show about communication, deep listening, right? Being with our kids as we connect through language, what communication means to us. And then last week, we did some exploring around the concept of boundaries expectations. This has been awesome for me, I've been doing the work alongside you and taking my own inventory. And just noticing what's coming up in the community. So

Casey O'Roarty 05:00
Today, we're going to dive into how we're attending to ourselves, right? We spend a lot of time looking outward, and trying to puzzle out the challenges that life is throwing our way. And I see you in those challenges. I see you hurting. As you witness whatever your child is moving through at the moment, and feeling unable to fix it. I see you exasperated, exhausted, ready to walk away all of it, right? The whole gamut and deep pain, right? Wandering, curious about where did I go wrong, right? Taking accountability, you know, and it might not be yours to take, but we go there, don't wait. I see you. I see you and I feel you and I've been you. And every once in a while I also am revisiting these places of stress and pain in my life. Right. And it's really hard to untangle ourselves from what it is that our young people are going through, right? It's really hard to do that. Because we care about them so much. We love them so much. As I watch my mom, you know, my brother is on, hopefully the tail end of metastatic melanoma. And he's doing really well. He's been responding wonderfully to the immunotherapy treatments. But I've watched my mom move the whole family, but specifically my mom moved through this experience. And, you know, really seeing her okayness absolutely being tied to my brother's okayness. And mind you this is parenting, you know, Chris is 48 years old, right? And so, ah, we never really let go. I mean, should we No, we never really stopped being that's the words that I want a mother, a father, somebody who cares deeply about our child. And you know, right now, I talk a lot about right now being practice for our kids to be in the arena, and learn life skills and grow because they're going to be launched out into the world, right. It's also an opportunity for us to practice being with the ups and downs of our growing kids lives. Because just because they leave home doesn't mean that when they text and talk about being depressed, or call you and say that they didn't get the job or are feeling discouraged, you know, it's still an emotional experience, right, it's still an emotional experience, we can still very easily get tangled up in it. And the idea isn't like, totally untangle and be separate from it. But when you think about what it is that our kids need, when they're struggling, or really anyone in our lives, what they need from us, it is not needing us to be all tangled up in their experience. Right? And so yeah, so there's that. So we're going to talk about who we get to be how we get to nurture our way of being for ourselves, and how that is tied to self care, and how it also plays a big part in how we then show up for the people in our life, right. And I follow someone named Esther Hicks. She's a medium, she's very woowoo. So if you're not into it, it's fine. But it's inspirational. And I love listening to 14 to 15 minute snapshots of the messages that come through her. And recently, I listened to something that and there was this phrasing that really spoke to me. And she was talking about calibrating ourselves, to meet the world, versus allowing the world to calibrate us, right, calibrating ourselves, tuning ourselves, nurturing, tending to ourselves, to meet life's unfolding, that's the language I would use, versus allowing life's unfolding to be what is tending to us. Right. And I loved Andrea's questions from the pod on Monday, around the values work, what are your values? And how are your values showing up in your life? Right, so I've got some questions. And that's the first one, right? So a way to calibrate ourselves is to tend to the work of declaring to ourselves what our values are, right? And then taking a look at how they're showing up in our lives. Are we walking in our values, right? How do you want to feel what is the emotional experience that you want to have as you walk through life and what actions Are you taking to generate feeling that way? Another way to think about it is what do you want to create more of? And where are you taking responsibility for creating that in your life and relationships? So, how liberating ourselves to meet life's unfolding, calibrating ourselves to meet 2024? versus being in that reactivity to what shows up to the unknowns, right? And the uncertainty? How have you been? How liberating? How are you fine tuning yourself? How are you tending to you, so that you can meet and greet? What is happening outside of you? How have you this last year? How have you been practising? Or have you not been practising this work? And how's it working out for you? Right? What do you want more of in 2024? Right? What do you want more of in 2024? How do you want to up level your calibration, right? So that how you want to feel what you want to create, and your values work is really what's guiding you through meeting the unknowns of life that will show up, right?

Casey O'Roarty 11:27
Calibrating yourself, raising your vibration, nurturing your energy tending to your soul, your body, your well being, this is the work, right that we're going to be talking about today. If you struggle, you know, if you listened to the emotional intelligence show, and you realise, wow, I really struggle with this. And with being with the emotional experience, tending to yourself, calibrating yourself, makes a difference. Right? It allows you to create time and a practice for moving through that emotional experience that you're going through rather than working your out all of your emotions on the people around you. Right, because it's not their responsibility. It's yours. If communication is off, couple weeks ago, if you listened and you thought, gosh, yeah, we're really not congruent, not in alignment, when it comes to communication and our family. If you feel misunderstood a lot. If you're getting that feedback from your family, you're feeling kind of panicky, tending to yourself is going to make a difference, you will show up to the big conversations and the small conversations with your teens, with your partners with your colleagues, you'll show up more grounded and more focused on what it is that you want to say you're going to be clearer and more connected to what you want to create in your communication. Right. And if last week, if you found that listening to that last episode, that confident authority and sharing and holding boundaries is a place that you're really challenged. Right, tending to yourself and exploring your calibration will support you and seeing not only what's appropriate, but also animating the confidence you need to be with your teens experience of exploring boundaries, right? Calibrating ourselves tending to ourselves, is everything, finding alignment between how we want to feel, what we want to create what our values are, right? It's everything. And yet, it's often the first thing that gets squeezed out of our daily schedule. Right? I would self care if I had enough time, I would take care of myself, if I had enough time. You have enough time. And taking the time is not indulgent, it is a requirement, you must tend to yourself and you must do it in a meaningful way. Right? Tending to self self care, doing it in a meaningful way. So again, we're going to take stock here, right? How are you currently coping with what's hard? What are the things you do? Right at the end of a hard day? Are they healthy things? Right? And by healthy I mean, do your strategies help you show up to the struggles from a more empowered and resourced way? And some of the things that we do? I can relate to right. Scrolling social media, it's not just our teenagers, right? We adults also can spend significant time on our phones. We scroll we binge right and as someone who's moving through, like I mentioned this last week, the first season of Outlander again while I macro May I know about bingeing good shows, using substances I have an occasional drink or a weed gummy Right. It's not about not indulging, but how are we using substances? And, you know, manicures, facials, massage feels good in the moment, absolutely keep doing that tend to yourself, and are we calling these things self care. And if we are these things, empowering us to show up differently or not. And I'll tell you, I do all those things. And they're not necessarily what's helping me be with what's hard in my life. They helped me escape. They helped me feel good for the moment. But on the other side, I'm back where I started. So instead, I'm gonna list out other practices that truly are opportunities that grow us, move us towards a sense of well being that lasts beyond that hit right that moment, practices that fill us up and calibrate us in a way to better equip us to meet life's unfolding. Right from a grounded centred way. So the practice of stillness, right? Do you have a stillness practice? Do you have a time in the day where you sit quietly, and really work on quieting the chatter, a practice of allowing and moving through emotions? Right, when you are feeling upset when you are feeling scared or worried? When you're feeling defeated? When you're feeling exasperated, exhausted? Do you have a practice of being with those emotions and letting them move through you? The practice of pouring our worries and our fears out on a page. Right, maybe it's through drawing or bullet pointing, you know, or maybe it's journaling, you know, it's writing long form, pouring our worries and fears out. The practice of being in nature connecting with the natural world that can look a lot of ways. I mean, even as I sit here and record this podcast, I've got windows all around me and I see the hills I see the lake, I see the trees around my house, nature's everywhere. And this morning, I made a point of walking outside, right feeling nature, breathing in fresh air, finding a place for your feet to feel the dirt, the practice of moving our bodies. What does that look like for you? Right? Is it a short walk? Is it a long walk? Is it a gym time? Is it a run? I don't run, but I love a good long walk? Is it dancing to your favourite song every morning? Or to an empowering song? Is it yoga? Or stretching? The practice of nurturing our bodies feeding our bodies? How are we fueling our bodies? What are the things that we're putting in our bodies? Right? And after we eat? Do we feel good? Right? Are we making intentional choices so that on the other side of the meal or the snack, we feel good practice of being in community, with people you care about? So yeah, that is mom's night out or dad's night out, or mom and dad go out? Right? For me, it's definitely seeing music and being on the dance floor with people I love. Right? It could also be, you know, a meditation group or a sound bath, right? Or a yoga class, the practice of being creative. What does that look like in your life? How are you creating something, anything art crafts? You know, my husband is not a mechanic, but you would think he is for the amount of things that he fixes. Right around the house? He would say? Well, I mean, he definitely gets satisfaction out of it. Right? The practice of holding the possibility that everyone's going to be okay. Do you do that? On the regular, just be with that everybody's going to be okay. The practice of letting go of our need for certainty? Oh, man, we want to know, we want to know, we want to be certain that everybody and everything is going to work out. And we don't know. It's uncertain. Right? And so what's the practice of being with that? The practice of not knowing what the future holds. All of these things, all of these practices are in your control. Right? It's all in your control to bring more of in your life. You get to nurture yourself and how you be in this life. Some of the things on that list might be things you already do. Some of the things on that list might be things you never do. I invite you to lean into the things that you don't do and see how it feels to bring more of it into your daily life. Try some things on and if you do some of those things, on that list, how often and are you doing them with intention for calibrating yourself for up levelling yourself for nurturing yourself to be with life unfolding. And remember, all of this is in service to a greater good it is in service to all of your relationships, your emotional intelligence, your communication skills, your boundary setting, this is the work, this is the foundation, right? This is the foundation and you are doing an incredible service to your children, by modelling what it looks like to be in relationship with yourself, to model what it looks like to be in relationship with them and the world from the inside out to model the importance of attending to yourself in meaningful ways. And we hear it all the time, right? This generation of kids growing up with smartphones, you know, we get frustrated by their lack of self care, like they can't be bored, they can't be with discomfort, they just scroll, what are they seeing you do? Right? What are they witnessing as coping and self tending at home? What's being valued out loud? Right? Are you inviting them into your practice?

Casey O'Roarty 21:24
I love it when Rowan's willing to go to here locally in Bellingham, there's a gal that does women's circles, and she does yoga at sound baths. And every once in a while Rowan will go to one of these things with me. And I feel like I get to expose her to this really sweet way of tending to our selves to our spirits to our souls. Right. And, you know, a lot of the times I asked her to do those things, and she's like, No thanks. You know, and the other thing too, is sometimes and I'll come upstairs in the morning, and I'll be in my meditation, I'll be on the couch eyes closed, I'll be intentional about being downstairs on the couch doing that, so that he can see my practice so that he can see, this is valuable enough to me to wake up in the morning and do it. Right are we modelling our values and these practices out loud. So it's not just uplevel, your practice of taking care of you. It's also an invitation to level up out loud, right, so that your family can see not, you know, for the sake of that, do it for the sake of you. But look for those opportunities. Right. But especially the last couple of weeks, I've been finding myself talking a lot about changing how we are experiencing our experiences, right? I work with a lot of parents who are really in the muck, things are really, really hard. And teens are getting after it getting into mischief. Right. And what I noticed is, and I think I've said this before on the podcast, but you know, there can be two families and the kids are pretty much doing identical things. And one family, one parent, it's a crisis. And they respond as if and they have this really big emotional attachment and experience around their kids mischief and the other family holds it as oh, here's where we're at, here's what we're navigating, we'll have more conversations about this, I trust that we can move through it. And the energy in the two different households is so so different. So, so different. And it's not about the kids. It's not about the behaviour, it's about the response and the experience that the parents are having of the behaviour. So I recently posted in my membership group these questions How would you respond or react to what the current challenges are? If you knew that things would be okay, in the end? What would you focus on with your kids? If you knew they would move through adolescence and be okay? How would that change your experience? sitting inside of okay, we're moving through it, we're gonna get through it, we have the resources or can find the resources we need if we need them. Everything's gonna be okay. How would that shift the experience that you're having? Right? It is an act of self care and self love to believe that everything is going to be okay. But how do we do it? Right? That's what I hear parents like, Okay, I know I get that. And how do I do it? Well, unfortunately, there is not a magic wand for this. It's about our daily practice, right? It's about all those practices that I mentioned already. And just the high reps have those, right? It's about having a mantra or a place to come back to an energetic place to come back to So let's do an exercise together. And if you're driving just Dr and come back to this but if you're able to pause for a moment and close your eyes, I just want to guide everybody through a quick practice around creating that space to come back to when we're talking about everybody being okay. So, closing your eyes, find your breath. And as you inhale and exhale, notice what is currently alive in your body. Breathe it in. Breathe it out. Breathe in. Breathe it out. And as you breathe in the next inhale, I want you to breathe in a sense of peace. And I want you to exhale and breathe out tension from the body. Again, breathe in the sense of peace. And breathe out. tension in the body. Your next inhale, I want you to breathe in. Possibility. Breathe out any tension in the body. Breathe in that sense of anything being possible. Breathe out, tension, self doubt. This time when you inhale, I want you to inhale deep love. Inhaling animating love in the body exhaling. Letting go of more tension. Again, inhaling deep love exhaling the tension. next inhale, I want you to inhale, ease. Whatever that means to you inhaling ease. Exhaling tension. Inhaling ease, let it fill up your body exhaling, tension. Keep breathing. And put your hands on your heart.

Casey O'Roarty 27:41
Guide your inhales into that heart centre. And imagine with your next inhale that okayness is animated in your heart centre

Casey O'Roarty 28:03
Listen to my words as you continue to deeply breathe into your heart centre, they will be okay. I will be okay. It will be okay. I can trust and lean into faith in the unfolding of life. I can trust and lean into faith in the unfolding of life.

Casey O'Roarty 28:44
letting yourself get ever more familiar with the physical experience of okayness so that when things spin out, you can pause put your hands on your heart and return to this space. And when you're ready, open your eyes. I'm gonna really centre on this practice during solo shows in 2024. I'm going to prompt you listeners into really leaning into this personal work and an ever more intentional way. So make sure that you're following me and all the places and tuning in on Thursdays because your teens my teens they need us. They need us to take care of ourselves. They're moving through what they're moving through. And they don't need additional perceived responsibility that they have to take care of you too. Right? They're having an emotional experience. They need you to be grounded and to be centred and not to jump on that emotional freight train with them. They're going to make mistakes, right they need us to stay regulated enough to keep the focus on their learning and growth. They need to feel seen and heard. And we can't do that for them if we're all up in our own heads, right? Have the courage to be imperfect in 2024. My friends have the courage to begin to implement real, calibrating real tending to yourself your Spirit, and to stay the course when things slide a bit, right, which they will. This isn't a do it to perfection or don't do it at all invitation. This is do it the best you can and keep growing along the way. Lean in, right lean in. That's what I have for you. We're wrapping things up. New Year's Eve is this weekend. I hope you have special plans. I do. And yeah, the first of the year is Monday. I've got an excellent, excellent guest for Monday. I'm super excited about sharing that conversation, and to continue sharing conversations that are meaningful to you here on the joyful courage pod. I so appreciate you every day. I'm grateful for this community. I will see in the next year. Bye.

Casey O'Roarty 31:26
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my spreadable partners, Julieta and Alana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at B spreadable.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.