396: SOLO – 10 Tips for Parenting Teens in 2023

Today, like so many other days of parenting teens, is all about trusting the learning process. Trusting that my teen will have his experiences and put them in his back pocket to reference again that next time he is at a choice point and has a decision to make. Joyful courage is about loving deep, even when the mistakes fall on top of each other…

Transcription

SUMMARY KEYWORDS
teenagers, gpt, parenting, feel, listening, kids, conversation, teens, talking, tips, kiddo, love, life, podcast, encourage, explored, expectations, chat, interests, positive
SPEAKERS
Casey O'Roarty

Casey O'Roarty 00:04
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead. It's routable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap a screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:32
Alright, hey, hey friends, how's it going? How's it going out there in parenting teens land in summer land? Can you believe that July 1 is happening on Saturday? I can't it's really trippy to me. I'm really excited about today's episode. So I have a friend, an acquaintance friend. And she is a social media manager. And she did this webinar last week about using AI to generate copy and content, artificial intelligence, you guys using AI to create content like the chat GPT that all of us probably the teachers in your life, we're like, don't let your kids use chat GPT because they need to learn how to write and research and do the things while this friend of mine did this little webinar about how to really embrace AI as a tool for making your life easier. And then fast forward to this weekend. Yesterday. I'm recording this on Monday yesterday I got to go see three different bands play. At this beautiful winery here in Woodinville, which is just like an hour away from my house, I got to see three of my favourite bands. And I'm sure you want to know what those bands were those bands were yonder mountain String Band, leftover salmon, and railroad Earth. So it was a bluegrass Jam Band situation. And I had the best time and it was at a winery so the only thing they served was wine, and I don't really drink a lot of wine. But I did drink a lot of wine last night. And so today I knew I had to create this podcast and I'm not gonna lie I was dragging, as is what happens when you're almost 50 and not a full time drinker but decide to indulge. Next day. It's kind of brutal. It's kind of brutal. I totally got sucked into like a 10 minute Tina Turner video, just procrastination station over here. Anyway, I really wanted to create a podcast for you. I thought about doing a throwback show. And I just really wanted I'm just feeling good about the new solo stuff that I've been doing for you. And so I thought, okay, yes. And I want to make this easier on myself. How can I make it easier? How can I use the AI as the tool that I need? And so I'm just going to tell you what I did. I talked to chat GPT which is what you do. And I said hey, what are the top 10 tips for parenting teenagers in 2023 and chat GPT gave me 10 points, 10 tips, and I was thinking today together, we can go through the tips and we can decide how useful the tips are. The good news is I was pleasantly surprised by what was generated by AI. So you know, turns out it is going to take over the world. I was encouraged by these tips. Because what has felt kind of radical right this whole positive discipline conscious parenting positive parenting movement. ENT, has in a lot of ways felt kind of radical over the last decade to be talking about child centred relationship centred brain based parenting versus just do it how your parents did it or rewards in and punishment like that's the way to go. It's felt radical. So to know that even the AI is looking wherever it looks like the internet really fast. And is, you know, I didn't say anything about you know, positive parenting or niching it into like the mindset that we all hold here on the podcast, I just said what are the top 10 tips for parenting teens in 2023? And, you know, this is what AI said. Ai said, parenting teenagers in the ever changing landscape of 2023 can bring unique challenges. To help you navigate this phase of parenting. Here are the top 10 tips for parenting teenagers and 2023 brought to you by chat GBT embellished and judged

Casey O'Roarty 06:07
and explored, teased apart by yours truly your fearless host. So the first tip, love it foster open communication, encourage open and honest communication with your teenager create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings and concerns without fear of judgement. Dang Jack GPT. Are you listening to my podcast? I love this. Of course. Of course, yes, this tip is everything. Our teens need to feel safe to share their world with us. And feeling safe means that they know that they can come to you and not feel worse, having shared about their life, right? They need to feel like you can listen, like you're going to ask permission to give your opinion. They need to feel like they can be real and open with you. And I think, you know, I mean temperamentally, there's some kids that there's humans that just aren't super verbally expressive, that exists, right? And then there's some that are, so there's that there's temperament. But there's also, I think I said this last week or the week before our kids. I mean, whether they're 12, or 15, or 18 or 25, or, you know, 30, they have learned us, right? They know us, they know what they're gonna get. We are consistent. Right? We consistently show up as ourselves, whether that is responsive and thoughtful, unintentional showing up or reactive, emotional, triggered, showing up, they know what to expect, they know us pretty darn well. Right? And if you've got a kiddo who is closed off to communication, chances are, you probably have something to clean up. And you have an opportunity to acknowledge right I call it pulling the curtain back, just acknowledge how things are, and declare that not only would you like things to be different, but you're going to do the work of being available in the way that they need you to be available. And you can also ask questions, you can say, what do you need from me? How can I be better at listening? Right? When you come to me? Or when I come to you, and I ask you about the things in your life? You know, what do you need to feel safe and secure in sharing with me? So yeah, we're fostering open communication, we're encouraging open and honest communication, and creating that safe space so that they can share without fear of judgement or criticism. Right, tip number one, tip number two, practice active listening. Hello, just talked about that. Be an attentive listener, show genuine interest in what your teenager has to say. And give them your full attention. This validates their feelings and helps build trust. Yes, zip it. That's what I read. When I read this tip, zip it quit talking, and I'm talking to you and I'm talking to myself. We talk talk, talk, talk talk, we say too much. We don't ask enough questions, and we don't listen. Well. Well, I won't say that because I don't necessarily know you listener, but I do know that it's pretty common for teenagers to feel misunderstood and not listened to. So the encouragement here is to pay attention to how you listen. Right? Pay attention to how you listen. And are you waiting a beat before responding? Are you asking more questions or do Be more telling, right? Pay attention to that, and grow in the act of listening. Right? Because there's all of us have room to grow in active listening in all the relationships of our life, right? Not just the ones with our teenagers. So that communication and listening, I feel like those two tips really go hand in hand, hand in hand. Number three, set clear boundaries, establish clear boundaries and expectations with your teenager, clearly communicate rules and consequences while allowing room for negotiation and compromise when appropriate. All right, chat. GPT. Yes, I mean, this is always a tricky conversation I feel to have with parents is boundaries, because I think a lot of the time when we're talking about boundaries, and parents want to know, well, how do I, how do I set boundaries? What they're really asking is, how do I create rules that my kid can't break? Right? And then what do I do when they break the rules? And adolescence is a time when the rule breaking is happening? Right? Our teenagers are pushing the boundaries, right there in the cause and effect of life, just like when they were toddlers, right? They're really trying to suss things out and figure out what happens when, right. Everything's a grand experiment. So while Yeah, of course, it's important to have expectations and boundaries, I think, for me, boundaries are more about like, what I'm willing to, like how I'm gonna keep myself safe, or what I'm willing to stand for. As far as how I'm being treated. I think that boundaries, also kind of are the, like, we all live together, right? The common expectations of, you know, if you're going to be late, let somebody know, help out. Because we all live together, you know, treat each other with courtesy, and also respect each other when we are feeling dysregulated when you know someone in the family is feeling dysregulated respect where they're at and give them some space. Right? So, yes, that's kind of what I think about when I think about boundaries, and then expectations. I mean, I don't know, chat GPT clearly communicate rules and consequences. I don't know about that. I don't love that language. Because I feel like we still have one foot into behaviourist, mindsets, the rewards and consequences mindset. And I'm really working. My work and the work of Alfred Adler are positive discipline is really moving more towards an understanding, not of how do we get them to do what we want? Right? Like, how do we get some follow the rules? And what should we do when they break the rules? Right, there's that, but really like, what's going on that our teens aren't connecting with this expectation? What's getting in the way? What's making it hard? Like, that's the place to dig in?

Casey O'Roarty 13:33
You know, that's the beauty of 2023. It's not 1950. You know, where the rules are set, and you follow the rules? And if you don't, you know, you're grounded. I mean, was everyone following the rules in the 1950s? I feel like they kind of like, I don't know, what was happening, then. I don't know, why is that 1950? But you know, like, I feel like it's a deeper conversation when we're talking about setting a clear boundary and creating expectations. And then that gets wobbly. If we're asking ourselves, what's the punishment? What's the consequence for the kiddo not meeting the expectation? I feel like that's the wrong question. I feel like a better question would be like, what's getting in the way? What's making this hard? Right? How can we tweak this to create a win win? So I do like the second part of this tip, which is allowing room for negotiation compromise, when appropriate, so yeah, number three. Number four, embrace technology, mindfully, help your teenager navigate the digital world responsibly, teach them about online safety, healthy screentime habits and the importance of maintaining a balance between virtual and real life experience. Yeah, of course. And I don't know if you have a teenager right now. I think there's a lot of us that feel like we're not really doing enough. I know I have a lot of clients who have completely You, like they just feel like there's no room for conversation around technology. Like it's a really, really intense, intense experience for them, and for their kids. And the idea of having a conversation about how their teen is using Tech with them is to explosive. And so if you're one of those people I see you, and that's really rough. And I think this, you know, whether we're talking about technology, or curfews or chores or whatever school, I think what's always going to be important is a foundation of relationship, right? So that we can say things like, Hey, babe, we have a hard time talking about your video game situation, or your phone use, like it's been ugly in the past? How have you felt about our conversations, right? So you want to have enough of a relationship to open up the conversation from a really fact finding place like you want to understand your kids experience of you, because you've got your experience of them? Right? You want to find out what their experiences of you is. So that from that place you can get curious about, and really open up the discussion around health and well being and mindful technology and all of those things. Right. I think that's so important. And I have a couple of really great podcasts about tech. One is with Emily shirk, and who I love. And yeah, so we also, as parents, we also get to embrace technology mindfully, you know, taking a look at our own habits, right? Teach them about online safety, healthy habits, and the importance of maintaining a balance between virtual and real life experiences. So the Online Safety piece, I just a few months ago, I was interviewed by Christy Keating, for her podcast, we had such a great conversation all about, yes. Online Safety. Yes, have conversations with your kiddos about how to stay safe, how to stay away from predators, of course, and your kids going to screw up online. They are, they are. So equally as important to teaching the online safety is making sure that when things go sideways, and they get themselves into trouble online, they will come to you. Okay, we had a situation over here. And it was really bad. And my kid came to me first he went to his sister, then he came to me. And then we went into problem solving mode. And he actually went public about the situation and had so many kids saying, me, too, this happened to me, too. He had a few kids saying this is happening to me right now. I'm not sure what to do. And my kids said, tell your parents, and these kids were like, No way. I cannot tell my parents. And that is a tragedy. To me. That is way more of a tragedy. To me. I mean, it's life or death, you guys, so yes. To mindful technology, yes to teaching online safety. And yes, to making sure that your kid knows they can come to you when they've made a mistake online. And they're in trouble. Right. And of course, maintaining the balance between virtual and real life experiences. I feel like COVID really kicked our ass with this right? It really, I mean, we were already on the course of, you know, phone nightmare, but COVID just kicked everybody's ass. So look for those opportunities to be out in the world with your teenager. Yes. Okay. Number five, encourage independence. Support your teenagers growing independence by giving them age appropriate responsibilities, and decision making opportunities. This helps them develop that valuable life skills and self confidence. I feel like that is my whole show last week, right talking about fostering our teens independence. And I love this tip. This is I love this tip. And if we're going to encourage independence, we have to give them space to be independent. We've got to loosen it up. We can probably loosen it up a little bit more than we even are in this moment. So we're you're holding on tight. Think about how you can loosen it up a little bit. Right and like I said last week, this looks different for a 13 year old and a 15 year old and an 18 year old. Right but we're all on this trajectory of launching our kids out in the worlds Right, we want them to launch. We want them to have life skills and self confidence when they're taking those first steps. And so we have to give them lots of room, lots of reps, lots of repetitions, to develop those life skills. And they don't develop life skills, because we're talking about the life skills because we're talking about it at them all the time. They develop life skills in practice in experience in relationship, right. So we got to give them space for that. I love it age appropriate responsibilities and decision making opportunities. Yeah. Good job, chat. GPT. Number six, foster resilience, help your teenager build resilience to navigate challenges and setbacks. Encourage them to see failures as learning opportunities and teach them problem solving and coping skills. Yeah, love it. Of course, one of the positive discipline mantras is mistakes are opportunities to learn, right? And this goes back to that conversation about boundaries. Mistakes are opportunities to learn, right? Whether it's getting a D, coming home after curfew, back talk, not cleaning your room, doing something stupid online. All of these things are mistakes. Right? They're things that our kids engage in. Because at the time, that was the level of skill they had, right? They have teen brains, there's no parenting style, that can make it so our teenagers don't go through teen brain development, like that's part of this season of parenting. And so they're going to make lots of mistakes. And when we can hold mistakes as learning opportunities. That's it. Like, that's everything. That's where they're developing, again, those life skills.

Casey O'Roarty 21:53
Okay, so you got a D? What do you need to do? What do you need to do to get the grade that you want? At the end of the quarter? We had this experience, when, you know, my son was really struggling with college math, what was it pre calc that he was taking out of college? He was a junior, he was struggling, he was right on the line of C, D. Right. And he came to me and he let me know. And that was our conversation. Okay, well, what do you want? What do you want at the end of this quarter? What are you willing to do? And what's the support that you need? Right? And notice all of my questions, were you, you you not, here's what I need. It was about him. And I said to him, I said, I'm so glad that you're having this experience right now, because he's never really had the experience of like cramming in the end, he was pretty close to the end of the quarter. And so he got to have that repetition, have that experience of pulling something off in the end of buckling down of making it happen? Right, encouraging them to see failures as learning opportunities and teaching them problem solving and coping skills. Love it. Love Tip number six, fostering resilience. Tip number seven, promoting self care. Yes, course, self care. Teach your teenager the importance of self care, including physical, mental and emotional well being. Encourage them to prioritise activities that promote relaxation, healthy habits, and self reflection. So I really appreciate that chat, GPT, use the word, encourage set, encourage them, right? Because in the end, they get to decide, right, they get to decide how they are or aren't going to take care of themselves. And you guys are parents of teenagers. So you know, right? Like, let's talk about a sleep routine. Let's talk about what's going to help you, you know, a lot of times, we in those moments, get met with kind of that brick wall of like, oh, that doesn't work for me. I remember encouraging Rohan to do yoga, and she was like, yoga is your thing. I'm like, well, not really. I mean, there's like 6 billion people on the planet that do yoga. So it's not just me, it's not just me saying, Hey, this is this great thing. I just remember that it was funny. But we get to model we get to model self care and we get to keep inviting them in. Right? We get to keep inviting them in and try new things together. And I love abraham hicks Do you guys like you're finding out so much about me the bands that I went and saw? I love abraham hicks which is a group of entities that are channelled through a woman that share wisdom from the universe. It's pretty woowoo but anyway, I know that Rowan has explored that a lot. little bit. So I sent her this YouTube channel that I found that was all these great abraham hicks videos and I just said, Hey, I've been listening to these one every morning. I think you'd really dig it. I sent it off to her with no expectation. Do I hope that she listens? Yeah, of course. And she might not I send a lot of articles to my family and 95% of the time people don't check them out. But I keep sending them it's still an invitation. Right? So I think when we promote self care, a lot of it is also planting those seeds. You know, looking for those casual organic moments to say, man, you know what, today was tough for me. And I was feeling really stuck. And I went for a walk. And it just kind of loosened the mental load up. And I came back and I felt really productive. And I felt really centred. I'm just so glad I did that. Right.

Casey O'Roarty 26:03
Looking for opportunities to just casually share things like that, as a way of illustrating what self care looks like, to your kiddos, right? You can even you know, if you're doing family meetings, which you should be family meeting guide. Instead of compliments. You could say, Hey, let's go around the table and talk about three things we did for self care this week. Three ways that we took care of ourselves this week. I might do that with my family. Now that I'm saying it out loud. Yeah. So we want to promote self care with our teenagers. That's tip number seven. I like it. I like it. Tip number eight. Yes, cultivate empathy and inclusivity. Teach your teenager to empathise with others and embrace diversity, encourage them to challenge stereotypes, practice inclusivity and promote kindness and respect towards all individuals. Again, a lot of this it says teach them and encourage them. But a lot of this is really about the model that you said, How are you talking about people? What are you doing out in the world to promote empathy and diversity? And inclusivity? Right, and how are you communicating that with your family? Our model matters? How are we talking about other people? How are we talking about characters on the TV? Right? What are we saying, when there's a character on a show that we're watching that we don't like? Paying attention to all of that, because it all matters, and it's all that seed planting? Number nine, support their passions, nurture your teenagers, interests and passions, help them explore different activities, hobbies, and areas of study that align with their talents and aspirations. Okay, yeah, of course, of course, we want to do that. And I know a lot of you are listening, and you're like, Oh, my God, listen, if my kid was like, please sign me up for something. I would be all over it. And the challenge is, my kid isn't interested in anything. I know you're out there. And I know you're listening. Because I hear this from my clients. I hear this in my membership. I hear this in the Facebook group. It's so discouraging. When our teens seem to have no interest beyond looking at their phone, and playing video games. I get it, I get it. And on one hand, is there a mental health issue to be exploring with your kiddo? Probably if they're not wanting to leave the house. And one of the kind of back pocket one liners that I appreciate is, hey, I noticed that you really don't have seemingly any interest right now. And I'm worried about that. I'm concerned about that. Can we have a conversation? Right? So instead of all you want to do is sit in your room, be on your phone all day, instead of that come from the side door, which is here's what I'm noticing. I'm noticing that it doesn't seem like you're spending very much time with friends. And you just don't have a lot of activity. And I'd love to have a conversation about it. Can we talk about that later tonight? Right or tomorrow morning. So you also want to make sure that when you come in for hard conversations like this, you give them a choice around now or later, right? Because they get to prepare for that conversation emotionally and mentally right. So we want to give them that opportunity. And I will also say considering meaning that my last interview was with Ray McDaniel talking about gender expression, gender magic, their new book, supporting their passion also might be learning about parts of them that are hard to understand. Right? You get to be in curiosity about your kids, and when their interests aren't the same as yours. All the more reason to lean in

Casey O'Roarty 30:30
all the more reason to lean in one of the things that I know I can rope in into hanging out with me to do is watch documentaries about rappers. Yeah, like rappers. And if I'm like, hey, you know, we just watched one about lil baby, which was actually completely fascinating. And it gives me more of a glimpse into Iran's interests. It sends a message of, hey, I care about you so much that I want to learn more about what you're interested in. Right? So there's that connection hit. And I get to calm down a little bit. Because sometimes, you know, there's nothing that makes you feel older than feeling like your kids music is too explicit. Because I was a hairband girl in high school. And I remember my stepmom going to like a mother's meeting. And the topic of conversation was the over sexual music that kids were listening to. And she came home and was like, we talked about that Guns and Roses tape that you have to remember that it was had patience. Remember that song patient's Guns and Roses, but you open the tape, right? The plastic case for the tape, and then you unfold the insert. And it is like full frontal legs spread drawing of a naked woman. And my stepmom was just like, so appalled by that. And a lot of that music, like I like to laugh about this, you know, metaphor was strong for the rockers, I loved that she's my cherry pie. Okay, you know, pretty much everything Rod Stewart sings about, right? Super sexually explicit, and a lot of underage creepiness, and wrapped up in a tiny little metaphor, right? You're really sure what he's saying. But when you listen clearly, anyway, that was a total tangent, I just took you on supporting their passions, understanding their interests, right doesn't mean that they have to be your interests, but you get to be more curious. Right, be more curious, and loves to send me reels and tiktoks. And there's this kid on YouTube Konietzko who's hilarious. He's so funny. And so sometimes I'll sit down with Erin, and I'll be like, hey, is there a new Cody co video? Let's watch it together. And it's something that we laugh alongside each other. So, yes, okay, chat. GPT support their passions. And finally, oh, this is just wrapping up all 10 lead by example. Number 10. Lead by example, be a positive role model for your teenager demonstrate the values and behaviours you want them to emulate? Such as integrity, kindness and resilience. Show them you're continually learning and growing to I mean, come on. Joyful, courage, community, da, right. We can be like, yeah, chat, GPT. We knew this one. We knew this one and remembering that the most important time to be modelling integrity, kindness, and resilience is in those really tough, hot moments. That's when it matters the most. That's when they really get to see what it looks like, for a healthy adult, to remain regulated, to remain curious. To remain kind, even though what's happening in front of them around them in their relationships with their teenagers is scary or worrisome. Right? So important, that we not only model integrity, kindness and resilience, when things are going well. But really, when things are hard, right? Really, when things are hard. And yeah, show them you're continually learning and growing. So that's one of the first things I say to parents who take my six week class, which there'll be another one, you know, there's always going to be another one. So check the website for that. But the first thing I tell parents week, one of the six week class is let your kids know that you're doing this, let them know that you love them so much and you're working on being better for them. And so you're taking a parenting class, let them in on it. I think it's important because, you know, I mean, I'm almost 50, there's still so many layers to peel back, we are continually learning and growing. So be explicit about that with our teenagers. Chat GPT wraps up this list of 10 tips by saying, Remember, every teenager is unique, and parenting approaches may vary. stay attuned to your teenagers individual needs, and adapt these tips to fit your family dynamics, above all, maintain a loving and supportive relationship with your teenager and cherish the journey of guiding them through this transformative phase of life. Yep, yeah, I'm into it. I am into it. I love this. And it's so true. I mean, you know, obviously, my foundation is positive discipline, I encourage you all to learn more about it, to embrace it, to really try to live inside of the principles of positive discipline, and you have a personality, like you have family dynamics. You don't have to be a different person. Right? You get to keep being you while exploring this way of being with your teen that's encouraging, and loving and compassionate. Right so that they know you're there right or die. You have got their back and not because your helicopter parent, you know, who's trying to make sure they never feel any pain. But because you trust that they're capable. And when they make mistakes, you're not going to double down on making them feel worse than they already feel. Right. So much good stuff here. So much good stuff. So the chat GPT experiment. I'm feeling good about this parenting with AI 2023 Thank you for hanging out with me. And thank you for living with my kind of raspy voice because I was doing a lot of last night at the concert. So thank you. I hope that you've enjoyed my sexy raspy voice as you've listened to this podcast. I'll be back on Monday with another interview and next week with another solo show. So make love bye

37:30
thank you so much for listening in today. Thank

Casey O'Roarty 37:32
you so much to my spreadable partners, Julieta and Alana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at B sprout double.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.