Transcription
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hello, welcome back. Welcome to the Joyful Courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids. We can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact.
[00:00:27] My name's Casey O'Rourke. I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder, coach, and the adolescent lead at Sproutable. Also, Mama, to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting.
[00:00:46] This show is meant to be a resource to you, and I work really hard. To keep it really real, transparent, and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show, and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget, sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials, or text it to your friends.
[00:01:12] Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple Podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:32] Hello. Hello, my friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm so excited to be with you today. Here we are. We're in the last days of January, 2025. I am not going to pull a question from the community today. Today, instead, I want to talk about something that keeps calling to me, keeps poking me to put into words, and hopefully I can share it in a way that makes sense to you.
[00:02:07] I'm going to try to just open myself up and offer some thoughts about the experience of being with whatever is currently alive for you. I'm going to talk about pulling back the curtain to get to what is real, how to show up in a way that's most useful, how to untangle yourself from what your teen or tween is moving through so that they can make their way through it.
[00:02:35] Learning as many skills and as much about themselves as possible. It's funny, you know, I wrote this podcast. I wrote it out yesterday. Today's Tuesday. It comes out on Thursday. I wrote it out on Monday, thinking about it all weekend. And I wrote it out yesterday. And then I had a couple of client calls today.
[00:03:00] And it's so fascinating how when I have a show coming up, how often I'm talking to my one on one clients and I'm saying things like, Oh, you know what? This week's solo show is going to be perfect. Like I'm so excited for you to listen. I've had a few clients today where I said that. out loud, like, Oh yeah, Thursday's show is really going to be useful.
[00:03:28] So there's something to be said for the collective experience, for noticing what's alive in me. often mirrors what's alive in the community and vice versa. So, I'm excited for today. On Monday, I published an interview with my friend, Vibha Arora from iParent Plus on the podcast. She is a conscious parenting coach and a friend.
[00:03:57] And we dug into the experience of empty nesting, or as she likes to call it, freedom nesting. I talked about how we're all moving towards that launch time with our kids. That they're under our roof until they're ready to make their way out in the world. And we Want that for them. It's a good thing. We want them to leave and to be able to create the life that they want.
[00:04:27] This is what we're in it for. Right? Even as we love them and we've identified so much with our parenting role, I think we all want our kids to be ready to move on when the time is right. Right? And, as I said on Monday's show, we also get to launch ourselves. And this is act three, maybe. This is a new phase, a new stage for us.
[00:04:50] We get to move into something new as well, is what we talked about, or at least I hope we do. I mean, I can't believe that we're meant to pine away for the old days, the early years, and having our kids at home. I mean, I get nostalgic. I see Facebook memories and videos pop up and it's like, aw, remember that little kid?
[00:05:15] And this is an exciting time for us if we so choose to hold it that way. It's new and it's different and it's ours, right? And we can't appreciate our launch when we are enmeshed. And what's happening for our kids. So that's where I'm going today. And it feels like really deep work. And I think it starts long before our kids leave the house.
[00:05:40] And it makes sense that we get enmeshed and attached because for many of us, Shit gets real, and man, our kiddos need us. And witnessing the teen years is really something else, or it can be for many of us. And, you know, it doesn't matter if you've got a kiddo who's big and explosive and expressive, or a kiddo who's withdrawn and quiet and disengaged.
[00:06:15] You know, those are both difficult. Maybe, you know, I think sometimes as parents who are moving through a challenging time with their kids, they, it's easy to compare ourselves like, oh, well, you know, it's not like they're on drugs or it's not like they're refusing school or, and then, You know, we feel bad about feeling our feelings around what's going on with our kiddos, so I really encourage you to let go of that.
[00:06:42] It's all hard. Your hard is your hard. Your pain is your pain. And often we get distracted by what's in front of us. We forget about being fiercely committed. and lovingly detached. We forget that right now is a snapshot of a bigger picture. We forget that the challenges that our kiddos are moving through are one thread of a grand tapestry, which is their life.
[00:07:12] We get in the muck and become overwhelmed and feel like there's no way out. Like to me, it's like being in the hole without being able to peek out and realize like, oh no, there's a horizon over there. When we find ourselves there, we are worried about the future, right? Will they ever? Be able to take care of themselves.
[00:07:38] Will they be good people in the world? I know this person and they're a pain in the ass and I don't want my kid to be like that, right? We worry about the future. We worry about what they're missing. Like, uh, this is really, was really true for me with Rowan. Like, this is supposed to be a fun time. High school is supposed to be memory making, right?
[00:08:00] I want them to have, you know, things to look back on. I want them to have a group of friends and accomplishments, right? Or the other thing that happens for us is we worry about what our kids might regret. I remember having a parent, a dad in one of my classes a few years ago, and he said, I just don't want them to have any regrets.
[00:08:24] When they look back, I don't want them to have any regrets. We want our kids to have all the opportunities, all the possibilities. We want all the doors to be open for them. And we feel like there is a timeline that cannot be deviated from or all is lost. We want it to be easy for them. We want them to just get it, like, get it.
[00:08:49] See the big picture. Is this resonating with anyone? Are we looking at the big picture? What even is the big picture? Can our big picture even hold all the possibilities? Mine didn't. When I thought about the big picture for Rowan, I didn't see her with her eyes on medical school. Hell no, right? I didn't know what was possible for her.
[00:09:13] And there was a lot of blind faith and trust. Right? Really, and this is what I said to a client today, the goal, the work is to really grow our endurance for being with what is real for our kids, what they're moving through. Because this is their life, right? We get to get out of the way, quit making things worse, remain connected and engaged and curious.
[00:09:41] But quit taking so much responsibility. We take too much responsibility. Why should our kiddos bother to take any when we're the ones that are making all the moves? And oftentimes when we're making a lot of moves and trying to get controlling, we're not creating a dynamic where our kiddos are considering, reflecting, thinking about what they're thinking about.
[00:10:05] And what they're deciding, instead they're thinking about, God, my parent doesn't get it. How can I get around their rules? How can I show them that I can do what I want? I recently saw a post on social media. I can't really remember exactly how it went, but the gist of it was, you know, this generation, they can't talk to anybody.
[00:10:26] They can't make doctor's appointments. They don't know how to order from Subway or talk to people. And man, the comment section was brutal and really demonizing this cohort of kids. And every once in a while, somebody would pop in and say, well, wait a minute. This isn't all their fault, you know, people were talking so much trash about kids today that they're soft and they're needy.
[00:10:59] Kids today are in response to the world they find themselves in. And part of that world is the adults in their lives. And I'm here to say, we do too much for our kiddos, right? We have a low tolerance for their discomfort. We're uncomfortable with their discomfort. We're uncomfortable with our own discomfort.
[00:11:21] We don't like to see them struggle, or hurt, or feel left out. We have a hard time being with their anger, and their judgment, their silence. We want to shut it down. We want to make things better. We want to show them that there are super easy fixes. to what is ailing them. If they could just see through our eyes.
[00:11:43] We want them to realize that what they're moving through is the collective experience of being a teenager. And that what feels like a big deal today won't be a big deal tomorrow. Here, I'll show you. Let me coddle you. Let me do it for you. Let me tell you and lecture you. And the message that we're sending is this is too big, too scary, and too much for you to handle.
[00:12:07] Your emotions, your experience, your discomfort. It's too much for me to handle so quick. Let's do something about it. Right? We want to fix it.
[00:12:27] And I know this to be true, because this is, I mean, I was there too. And I continue to be there. It shows up for me as well when my kids are sharing about what's going on with them. So what can we do instead? That's what this show is all about, this episode. What can we do instead? And we are going to revisit a tool from Positive Discipline called Encouragement.
[00:12:53] It is one of the founding principles, like encouragement, encouragement, encouragement is a big deal. It's something that we spend a lot of time on in Positive Discipline classes. I have six or seven podcasts with encouragement in the title. I talk about it all the time. It matters. One of my favorite quotes, I think it's from Rudolph Dreikers, is A misbehaving child is a discouraged child, right?
[00:13:20] And really when we think about our kids that are having a hard time, when we frame it as this is a deeply discouraged kid, what does that do to how we are holding them? Right? And encouragement, when we talk about encouragement, it's not the same as praise. It's not saying like, more good jobs, and you're the best, and you've got this, and lip service, right?
[00:13:49] Our kids know that that is. Empty. That praise is empty. And it's not about everyone getting a prize or a trophy or being treated the same. It certainly isn't about holding back from acknowledging kids accomplishments because other kids might feel bad about themselves. I'm looking at you, Bellingham High School.
[00:14:13] Not letting the scholar athletes be acknowledged because what about the kids who aren't scholar athletes? Well, what about them? Right? Kids, when kids have been fed a steady diet of praise and participation certificates, they haven't grown the grit, humility, or the resilience it takes to truly kick ass at life.
[00:14:35] And because this is important, sometimes we are called to kick some ass while our ass is simultaneously being kicked. You know what I mean? Sometimes kicking ass at life is growing through what you're going through. Right? My friend Chris Willard wrote a whole book about this and he came on the podcast to talk about it a couple years ago, episode 368.
[00:15:00] Growing through what you're going through. This life is no picnic, right? We want to protect our kids from pain and suffering. Well, it's going to find its way in. Life is all the things. It is constantly unfolding and offering up opportunities to learn who we are. And to move in the direction of what we want most, we get to find our strength, access our purpose and our passion.
[00:15:29] We get to feel the pain and suffering of disappointment and loss while also embracing and expressing joy and creativity and love and kindness. We get to learn that there are shitty, shitty days. and that we don't have to define our whole life by those days. We get to discover our personal power when we decide to take control of our story and even see it through a different lens.
[00:15:56] And all of this happens Through experience, moving through experience, my personal growth right now is to live in expansion and abundance and receptivity. I am reading a book called The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer and it's totally rocking my world. It reiterates that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
[00:16:22] This is what I want for my kids. Even as I know that they are going to have to forge their own path for getting there. What I want for my kids, realizing, I want them to realize they are spiritual beings having a human experience. And that's the important thing, remembering that our kids are forging their own path.
[00:16:42] They're living through their experiences. They're making meaning. Yes, they are being influenced by the people and the voices that they are surrounded by. And that's theirs to muddle through. So you! Get to be one of those voices, but yours, like the others, is an offering. And the influence of your voice really has to do with how you make your kids feel.
[00:17:08] And when your kids feel safe and seen, validated, held, loved, even if they are different than you and think differently, if you're showing up trusting that they're on their journey, trusting that they are on their individual path, towards their understanding of themselves and the bigger picture, trusting that they can handle what life is currently throwing at them, you are going to get a better seat at the table.
[00:17:36] This is how we encourage them. And to me, this is the spiritual side of parenting. Not to get too woo woo, but I believe we are so much bigger than this time and space. We are here for the experience. to feel joy and to feel love and to feel possibility. And it takes contrast to really appreciate those things.
[00:18:04] And the biology of the human experience gives us that contrast, right? Anxiety, worry, depression, perfectionism, all of these things arrive And get in the way, especially during the teen years. And it's all real, it matters. Your kiddo is having a real and valid experience of life. I think what happens to them and to us, right, perhaps even starting with us, is that we forget that the present moment is temporary.
[00:18:38] So, we're going to deep dive into encouragement for when things are hard. And as I've mentioned before, there's three different types of encouragement that we talk about in positive discipline. One is descriptive, another is appreciative, and then finally we have empowering. And I know that some of you out there are doing fine with your teens and you just like them to do their chores every once in a while.
[00:19:01] Encouragement is absolutely useful there, but I'm really talking to those of you that are in the muck. And before I go further I want to be sure to say that this isn't about a formula. This isn't how to get your kids to do what you want, or how to make sure your kids feel better. Instead, I want you to listen to this and encourage, and consider encouragement as a way of standing by your teen and helping to dissipate the fog that seems to be clouding their vision of what's possible.
[00:19:39] Supporting them in recognizing and valuing their worth through being someone who sees and appreciates them. So we'll start with descriptive encouragement, seeing your teen. I noticed that you were really quiet when you got home today. You haven't wanted to come to dinner the last couple of nights. You opted out of tryouts and you love volleyball.
[00:20:06] You're so smiley and excited, I'm guessing something fun is going on with you. I'm noticing the ease that's showing up with you lately. It seems like you're moving through some things. The point here isn't to open up communication, but it might. It might open up communication. The point is to send the message of, I see you, I notice you, I'm paying attention.
[00:20:30] And, I'm okay with, I'm okay with all of that. I can handle it. We really get to work on being present with this. And again, it isn't, Okay, what do I need to say right now to help my child feel seen? But instead, see them. See them and bring compassion and love to life in your energy. Animate it inside of your experience and let it flow to your teen.
[00:21:00] See the spirit, see the wholeness of the spirit in front of you that is having this human experience. You were quiet when you got home today. We've missed having you at the table. You have really easy energy these days. Bring yourself to this. Bring your authenticity, but also bring an openness and a non attachment to their response.
[00:21:25] Right? This is about sharing what you see, that you do see. And
[00:21:41] then the second type of encouragement is appreciative encouragement. And this, again, can sound like, Hey, you know, I see that you're going through a hard time and you let me know not to worry. I want to thank you for that. Or, you know, you're not coming to dinner, but I see you making yourself some food to have in your room.
[00:22:02] I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself, even as you will want your alone time. I love hearing about what's fun for you right now. Thanks for sharing with me. I know that you're feeling low and I appreciate seeing you spend a little time outside in the sun. Again, it's seeing them while also adding on some appreciation and gratitude.
[00:22:24] We're helping to lift the fog, not making them wrong for what they're feeling or moving through, not rushing them into a timeline that feels better for us. We're going to see them and appreciate their experience, acknowledge They're unraveling and the ways that they're holding it together. And finally, when we really dig in and explore what's going on with us and our kids during this season of parenting, I hear my clients talk about wanting their teens to be confident and to believe in themselves, to be resilient.
[00:22:58] So guess what empowering encouragement is? It's sourcing our own confidence and faith in our teens. It is sending the message that we believe in them. Not with the agenda of, I'm going to tell them I believe in them and that will solve the problem, but instead thinking about how you can plant and nurture the seeds of their internal sense of well being and worth.
[00:23:28] And listen, many parents I work with want to send a stronger message of confidence and faith and trust and belief in their teens. And sometimes when they've gotten deeply honest and vulnerable with me, they'll share, but I don't, I don't have faith in them. I am not confident in them. What do I do then?
[00:23:48] Right? And my answer is always, how can they have confidence in themselves if the people around them don't believe in them? I mean, our teens are driven to prove us wrong, but that can really go sideways, right? Like when Misbehavior is showing up and we get more, you know, tend to get more firm and controlling.
[00:24:10] They can respond with, Oh, you think you can control, can control me? Watch this. Watch what I can do. Screw you. Right? Or maybe there's a lot of comparison in the household and, you know, we're saying things like, why can't you be more like your sister or your brother? That can turn into our teens thinking, okay, my sibling is clearly, clearly already the perfect one.
[00:24:33] I can be the best at being the worst. Or. I can't seem to do anything right, so I'll do what I want and hurt you back. Right? These dynamics that we're in with our teen, they're real. And we have influence. We can be conscious about that influence. Thinking about encouragement and practicing encouragement is that consciousness.
[00:24:57] around our influence. The more that we can stay out of the center of what's hard for them, the more we can stand or sit beside them and look at what is hard with them, the more likely it is that they can recognize their own responsibility in creating the life they want. The more that they can realize their own contribution and influence in what's hard.
[00:25:22] And the slow turnaround can begin. So yeah, what's it going to take to believe in your teen? What's it going to take for you to remember that there is a bigger picture for them, that right now is not forever, that they're growing through what they're going through. What is it going to take for you to feel confidence in their process, even as it looks brutal from the outside?
[00:25:49] What's it going to take for you to untangle from their discomfort, their mistakes, and to hold it all gently with compassion and belief? And all of it being a part of something bigger that you currently aren't tuned into. What's it going to take to remember that there is a human, a spirit, a kiddo inside of the current challenge who wants to feel good, who wants to experience joy, to create, to commune with nature and other people.
[00:26:23] You know, I do believe in a higher power and I believe that there is more to us than our biology and our humanness and I believe that there is purpose to the things that show up in life and I believe this for others as well. I don't think it is any accident that your kids are your kids, no matter how they came into your life.
[00:26:41] If they're your bio kids or fostered or adopted or stepkids, there is a reason for the people that end up. insignificant roles in our life. Holding this to be true helps me live in a way that keeps me curious. and encouraged, and I believe this filters into encouraging others. Empowering encouragement sounds like, I trust you, I believe in you, I have faith in you.
[00:27:11] So it could sound like, I see your heart is hurting, and I have faith that you're going to get to the other side of this breakup. I'm confident that while it feels really heavy right now, you have the skills to move through it, and I see you moving through it every day. I believe you when you say you feel disconnected and empty.
[00:27:31] That sounds really hard. And I trust you. I trust your process. If we can add some evidence to these statements, even better. Remember the last time you went through a breakup? Oh, you were devastated. And things started to feel better over time. But I also want to say, I think there's a fine line here, even as I share this, right?
[00:27:52] We need to be sure to sit in the feelings with them and not bring that urgency to move through what they're going through, or it starts to feel dismissive and disconnected, right? So we get to check ourselves. Are we trying to move things along because we are so uncomfortable? What's happening? Right, being aware of ourselves and I've been known to say, man, this is, it's hard to be in this moment.
[00:28:19] Right? I've said this to Rowan. It's hard for me to be in this moment with you. And I noticed that I want to rattle off a bunch of things that you should do to feel better. And I'm guessing that what you need is simply to be witnessed. So that's what I'm offering. And she's appreciated it when I've come from that place.
[00:28:38] Remember that your presence is enough energetic encouragement is you staying close by and keeping confidence and compassion and faith in what you are sharing, even as you aren't actually saying anything. Right? What are your thoughts? What are your questions? After all of this, we dug into encouragement in a, in a new way.
[00:29:02] I love getting woo woo and spiritual with you all. That might not be for you, but it might. I encourage you to just be stretchy, be open, be open to what lands. I hope that you appreciate that. I am a hodgepodge of beliefs over here. And the main one being just a really strong faith that we're all cosmically connected, even you and I.
[00:29:24] And the fact that you're listening to this show today is no coincidence. And if you're feeling like. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Then you know what I'm talking about.
[00:29:38] I so appreciate you. I'm so grateful for what I get to do. I feel our energetic bond and it's a pleasure to create content for you and to meet you where you're at. Don't forget about the Joyful Courage for Parents of Teens Facebook group. Like that is a really rich place for support and encouragement.
[00:29:59] Jump in there, ask questions. I might grab one of your questions and make it. into a podcast, but make sure that you're in there and checking in there, use it. It's there for you. And if today's show really hit home and you want to take it to the next level, let's jump on a call. You can book a 15 minute explore call with me.
[00:30:19] It's free. You can just go to www. besproutable. com slash explore. That'll take you right where you need to go to book that call and get on my schedule. I'm waiting to talk to you. I'm here for it. Thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Um, I hope that you are feeling seen. I am seeing you.
[00:30:40] I know that, man, it's tough. We come into the teen years, when I talk to parents of younger kids, they're like, oh God, the teen years. We know it's going to be challenging. And then being in it, we don't really recognize how it's going to feel. And I'm just seeing all of you. in the roles, in the responsibility, and in what you're moving through and really deeply encouraging you to take care of yourself and to find places where you can untangle and detach and trust that they're going to be okay.
[00:31:14] They're going to be okay and so are you. That's it for today. Love you so much. See you next week.
[00:31:26] Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you. So much to my Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at Podshaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at besproutable.
[00:31:51] com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.
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