Transcription
Transcript _ JC Solo Ep 546 (1.23.25)
Tue, Jan 21, 2025 10:31AM • 36:57
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
Positive discipline, conscious parenting, teen struggles, depression, digital contracts, screen time, technology use, adolescent years, family relationships, self-regulation, middle school friendships, cyber safety, parenting challenges, emotional support, community support.
SPEAKERS
Casey O'Roarty
00:04
Music, hello,
Casey O'Roarty 00:06
welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together while parenting our tweens and teens, this is real work, people, and when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey o'rourdy. I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder, coach and the adolescent lead at sproutable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son. I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you, and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic, so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show, and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget, sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please, please pass the link around, snap a screenshot, post it on your socials, or text it to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show.
Casey O'Roarty 01:32
Hey everybody, Hi. Welcome back to a brand new solo show. Woo hoo. Solo show. How's it going out there? We're making our way through January. As of this recording, I'm recording just one day out from my oldest 22nd birthday. Isn't that so weird? Those of you that have been listening to me for a long time. Rowan is 2222 years old. How is that possible? And as most of you know who listen to the show, I think of Rowan as my teacher. She's been my greatest teacher. So far in this lifetime, she has taught me what it means to stay in the moment, to trust, to have faith, to manage myself right, to not manage others. She's taught me so much, and she's doing great. And there are hard days, there are hard days, something really interesting happened. Just last week, I am getting over a sinus infection, and went to our family doctor, and, you know, she asked, how's everybody doing? Because she sees the whole family. And I said, Oh, everybody's doing great. And Ian and Rowan and Ben, blah, blah, and then I was texting with Rowan later in the day, and I just said, Oh, it's so great to see our doctor and to report that you're just thriving. And Rowan's response was, I'm not thriving, Mom, I'm not doing well at all. She talked about just how she is feeling, how the days are really hard, and if she's not distracting herself, she's feeling extremely low. She also said not to worry, which was nice. I am sharing this because I think it's a really, real experience to have our kids express themselves to us and Mann, don't we? Well, I I wanted to fix it. I wanted to talk her out of how she was feeling. I wanted to remind her what she does that helps herself feel better. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to lift her up and out of the hole that I saw her in. I was so uncomfortable. I was both really uncomfortable with hearing her talk about that she still struggles, even though I know it, and I was also so grateful I was in the both and right. I was so grateful that she was sharing with me, and I want her to continue to share with me. I want to be a place where she wants to share. I hate that she has hard days. I don't want that to be her experience. She lives with depression. And for those of you that also live with depression, you know how that feels. So yeah, it was really hard to be with that and sit with that. And I did. I listened, I witnessed. I said, you know, that sounds really hard. It was helpful that this was all on text message. And she said, yeah, it is really hard. And she thanked me for listening. And she said, You know, I just had to tell someone. My gut was in not. Thoughts, and I got to remind myself that she has skills that she's developed over time, that she's been in this kind of place before, and has moved out of it, right? I got to just remind myself of all that, even as I had my own emotional experience around hearing her talk about how she was feeling, because I want her to be thriving, right? I want her to find joy and to bring joy and to be joy. And that's not always her experience. The next day, she posted something on social media that was like somebody else's. She reposted something that was really reflected on how one day can be can feel like the worst day, and that the next day can be okay. And she told me, you know, that she was feeling better. And she mentioned how glad she was that we did DBT together dialectic behavioral therapy, which is a therapy program that we did together when she was 16, and it made a huge impact on both of us, even, you know, I learned so much about how to be what she needed me to be through that course and the opportunities to practice being what our kids need us to be, what our partners need us To be, what our friends need us to be, the opportunities to practice show up all the time, right? They're endless. And with our kids, it sure doesn't end with when they leave the house, right? And now this brilliant, brave, deep feeling, girl of mine is 22 and navigating life as it continues to unfold for her, and it's such an honor to be her mom and to be a witness to how she shows up for herself. It's really cool. So that's a little bit about what's going on with me. Oh, and I'm gonna tell you another story, because this is, I think, kind of hilarious. So yesterday was Rowan's birthday, and Ben was looking for a box, and he was in Ian's room, because Ian tends to collect shoe boxes, and he came upstairs and he's like, Oh, well, I found a box of some stuff in Ian's room. You're gonna freak out a box of contraband. And I was like, Oh, okay. And I went downstairs and I looked into this box. I couldn't believe what I was looking at when I looked at this box of mischief. And I'm not going to get into what we found, but I snapped a photo of the box and sent it to Ian with a text that said, if you are addicted to nicotine, you are such a dumb ass keeping it real. That is what I texted him, so you can make a guess at what some of the things were in the box. And you know, probably not what you would want to text your kid, but it made sense for me, and that's what I texted him. If you're addicted to nicotine, you are such a dumb ass. This is a kid who has watched his dad and I both struggle with nicotine and the idea that he has been hiding an addiction to nicotine. I just was like, Are you freaking kidding me? Like, come on, be smarter than that. He immediately FaceTimed us. I loved that from college, right? He's away at school. God bless him. It was a Sunday night. He was with a buddy, like, at his buddy's apartment, and he FaceTimed us. And he was so funny. He was like, where did that box even come from? Like, I don't even know where that box come from. And I said, Well, it came from the top of your closet. Dad was looking for a box, and he pulled this down and found all this stuff. And Ian was like, Mom, that's from, like, my junior year of high school, which, I mean, was not very exciting to hear. But he was like, it was as old news. I forgot all about that box. And he did reiterate, he's like, I am not addicted to nicotine. He said he's like, you know, every once in a while, you know, if I'm drinking, I might have some, but I don't vape. I'm not a vapor and actually, a lot of people I know are, and it's not a good look, which I of course, love to hear, and also holding that his relationship with nicotine is his right. He gets to decide what his relationship looks like. And this whole thing opened up an opportunity for us to have a little short but sweet check in on substance use in general, and it was I've been practicing. So my ways of being that I'm practicing are accepting ease and levity. And I definitely felt that in this conversation with him, I felt like, you know, here you are at college, you're making choices, and I got to be a little brain worm. Is that? What it's called, brain worm? Yeah. To say, like, how's that working out for you? How are you navigating that right? So, lucky kid. Lucky kid. So, yeah, don't kid yourself into thinking that things are perfect over here. That connected, open relationship that I have with my kiddos just means that I get to manage myself and try to be curious and helpful when they share, or when I bust them, and try to show up in a way that
Casey O'Roarty 10:27
maintains my seat at the table, right? You know I'm talking about right, the seat at the table where I want. I want to have influence. I want to be able to talk about hard things with my kids and have them consider my point of view and consider my opinion. I want them to keep sharing so that means how I show up when they do matters, and this is actually something that's that we're going to get into later in this episode, how we show up and how it matters. Did you listen to this week's podcast with Julietta, my interview with Julieta, my partner, my sister from another mister. I love her. I know that I'm always getting more listeners with kids that are just moving into adolescence. And my plan, as I've mentioned in 2025 is to keep giving you all some love. Jules is going to be a regular guest this year, and our conversations are going to center those middle school years, and this week is all about middle school friendships and relationships. It was great conversation per usual with her, so check it out if you haven't already, and if your kids are older, I still would encourage you to listen, because there's a ton of threads to pull on and apply to your older kids too. It was really, really fun to be in conversation with her. She's so brilliant, and I just, I love her. So check that out, and it's funny as you maybe have noticed those of you that have been on the ride with me for a while, you know, I started this podcast, and I started my positive discipline work, and I really focused on earlier years, elementary school, and as my kids grew and got older, my focus changed, because I've been kind of supporting the parents who are in the stage that I also am navigating, and now my kids Are young adults. And Ben said, So are you going to just now work with parents of kids who are young adults? And I'm definitely doing some of that, while also really wanting to stay solidly in these adolescent years. I want to continue to support all of you, which includes those of you that are just entering into this agent stage.
Casey O'Roarty 12:48
This week, I am back with a post from the joyful courage for parents of teens Facebook group. It's a good one, and it aligns nicely with Monday's show, because the mom who wrote in is talking about her 12 year old big thanks to her, there was lots of conversation and response to her post, and I think it's something that is relatable to everyone. So here's what she wrote. She started off by saying screens yay, which I think is so funny, because, right, don't we all kind of feel that way? And I have a feeling that we're going to talk a lot about screens this year, because it is a thing. So she says, screens, yay. My 12 year old has been using a fake algebra, quote, Algebra website that's really some kind of browser within a browser to access sites at school that the school filters block, like Tiktok. He goes on the site, and the school filters miss it, because it starts with HTTPS, slash, slash algebra, or whatever, and within it, the kids can go on Tiktok or they can play Fortnite. I just stumbled on it tonight by accident and realized that he had created a Tiktok account. Anyone familiar with these sites that are really a mask over another browser window, and if it's possible to see the history on where that browser has been, thankfully, she writes, I'm not worried about really bad stuff yet, but I know it'll be there soon enough, and I'm trying not to feel powerless in the face of these little maniacal geniuses running tech circles around me. How do I get ahead of this? This is on his school issued computer, which we have no ability to control or monitor, besides looking at the chrome history. We have not had a family digital contract, and now we're going to have to make one, and everyone's going to have to agree to it if they want to continue the privilege of screen time. The end.
Casey O'Roarty 14:54
So juicy. And this is just one example of how the digitalization of. Schools is no joke, and really makes this whole screen thing even more challenging for parents, even as parents send their kids to school with phones and are actually making it harder for schools. So it's like there's no blame here. It's just a crazy situation that we are now inside of so anybody relating, I don't think that. I never really navigated that with my kids, the whole like app within an app, or hidden apps that hide where they've been, not because they never used it, I don't know, but it never came on my radar, but I know it's out there, so let's see what we can reframe a bit with this challenge. Okay, so mom wrote, I'm trying not to feel powerless in the face of these little maniacal geniuses running tech circles around me. How do I get ahead of this valid question? Right? Our kids have grown up in a digital world. They have watched all the adults and the kids that are older than them have relationships with technology. There is so much to explore and discover, and they're curious and they're ready to go, right? They want access. They want to see what the big deal is about, because everybody's distracted by screens and they want in on that right. One piece of advice that came up in the comments that I really appreciated from another parent was remember that it's completely normal for a 12 year old to do this, to push boundaries, as well as not have the impulse control to resist video games or sites like this, and it's the adults, both at home and school. It's the adults job to remind them what's expected and to stay on top of it. Yes. This is some mischief making absolutely yes. This is a kiddo that knew he was riding an edge and exploring how that felt and seeing what he could get away with. Right adults so often respond to these early boundary pushes in a way that sets up an ongoing cat and mouse game, which encourages kids to look for new and more creative ways to get around the rules and the restrictions that are imposed on them, right? So we want to avoid that. So today we're going to talk less about how we stay ahead of the little maniacal geniuses running text circles around us, which I love, that language cracked me up. And instead ask, how do we normalize conversations about our relationships with technology that encourage our kids to share with us and to stay safe. Okay, so we're gonna shift a little bit here. We're gonna shift and one big tool when it comes to technology is absolutely creating agreements. The parent used the word contract. I'm going to use the word agreements. Making agreements is a big tool in the positive discipline world, and it's something that is absolutely important when we're talking about technology, right? And it's something that the parent pretty much mentioned, something she knew was going to be important. I would encourage everyone to go back to Episode 539, that I did with Julietta last month, where we talk about screens, and she shares her agreements with her three girls. Specifically, it'll be super helpful, so I'll make sure the link to that episode is in the show notes. Definitely listen to that after you listen to this, but before we get to the conversation about screens, we get to have a conversation about what's been discovered. Right? You're the parent. Imagine being the parent who stumbles upon this browser within a browser and finds out you know that your kid is doing stuff that you don't want them to do, right? Before we get to having a conversation about what we discovered, we get to check in internally and do some self regulation, right? I know that I would get, and I did get pretty worked up and confrontational with my kids. The minute that I realized something was amiss, man, I just stormed in there. It took me a long time to get my shit together. Anyway. We don't need to make this about me. I realized that coming in hot in confrontation mode often led me to those not so great parenting moments where I would say or do things that later I would need to make amends for or would jeopardize my relationship and my influence that reactive way of being right? So step number one is, take a breath. Take a beat. Calm your nervous system. Them, right? Whatever that looks like for you, if it's moving your body, if it's going outside, being in nature, if it's having some tea, whatever it is for you, calm your nervous system and then ask yourself, what do you want to create? When you talk to your kiddo about what you've discovered. What do you want to bring to life? Do you want to create connection, safety, curiosity? These are things that I try to I want to create. Even with my conversation with Ian on FaceTime, even though I was a little hot, I also brought a lot of levity, right? And I want to talk about, I did talk about that, that acceptance, like, Okay, well, this is yours, but come on, what the hell sit with those things that you want to create in this conversation for a minute before you go talk to your kid. Really breathe those things in and really think about, you know, again, what do I want to create? What do I want to create? What do I want to create with my way of being as I move into this hard conversation, right? And then when you do, when you are ready to talk, you can say something like, Hey, okay, wow. Tell me about this site. Looks pretty slick. I see you've been using it and hiding a tick tock account. Let's talk about that, right? I mean, can you hear the energy that I'm bringing into this? Like, it's, how do I describe it? It's, it's curious, it's non judgmental, it's non blamy. Like, there's almost a little bit of, like, enthusiasm, like, wow, this is new and different. Tell me about this, and then we get to listen. We get to zip it and listen to what they have to say. We're not trying to trap them. We tell them what we've discovered and how they respond to us. Will tell us a lot. Does your child respond guarded or defensive? Right? That you might say something like, you know, hold up. I'm wondering. I'm wondering if you're worried about me being mad about this and thinking you're going to be in trouble. And you can follow with, I was really surprised when I discovered this, and definitely had some feelings about it, but mostly I am curious, and I want to talk about it with you. Can you tell me about this? Then again, stop talking and listen. You also get to own your part. You get to say something I'm talking specifically to this parent, you know. You get to say something like, you know, we should have had more of an agreement around technology and screen time before now, and that's on me, but don't worry, because this has reminded me that it's something important that we're going to do together, right? And another offering from the community under this post, which I appreciated, was to read over the IT policy that your child and you probably signed at the start of the year together, like use, what the school has provided to go back and to be in consideration of, does this site follow the guidelines that we've agreed to with the school around technology use? I love that. Yeah, it's a great place to start. And my guess is there isn't anything about this site in the policy. So we get to have a conversation about that. I would also ask a question about why he thinks sites like this exist, and why and how kids are probably using it. You don't need to say, like, how did you find out about it, or who told you, or anything like that. Like, it makes sense that kids have found these sites and that they're putting them to use, because often the grown ups are laying down mandates and rules without giving kids any opportunity to collaborate or CO create The rules around safety. They don't have a voice. So it's a really understandable direction for lots of kids to go in like, Oh, you think you can control me? Watch me right? You get to talk about what you hope for you and your child when it comes to technology, you get to be explicit about not wanting him to feel like he has to be sneaky, while also understanding that it's age appropriate for your family to hold off on some of the apps and some of the devices. Right when I talked to Julieta about screens last month, we talked about the wait till eighth movement, which is parents who are waiting till eighth grade for their kids to have a cell phone, and maybe even longer before they introduce social media. Right? It is age appropriate. There is going to be scaffolding, and as our kids get older, the scaffolding slowly falls away and we get to be at. Actively in conversation as that happens, right? And we get to talk about, there's going to be tension about this. Sometimes you're going to want more than I'm going to want to give, and sometimes I'm going to have to be more flexible, and sometimes you're going to have to be more flexible. We're both going to have to give and take a little bit, and that's going to be hard. Get to talk about this with your kiddo, and yeah, you get to make an agreement. But I want you all, everybody who's listening to keep in mind, agreements are co created. Your son gets to have a voice, and you get to hold hard lines, like I mentioned, if you are a hard no on phones till eighth grade or ninth grade or social media, till a certain age, you get to be compassionate and empathetic when that makes your kiddo upset, and
25:49
you get told the line, but you get to hold the line, not in an angry
Casey O'Roarty 25:53
way, right? They're gonna push back. They're gonna push back, and that's okay. They get to push back. You get to talk about what pushback can look like. They don't get to name call, they don't get to be taking it out on the family, but you get to acknowledge it is hard. It is hard when there's other families that don't have those kind of hard lines, or, you know, strict rules about certain parts of technology that is hard, that sucks, actually, that'd be really hard you trust and have faith that they are going to be okay, right?
Casey O'Roarty 26:35
And we all know that there's lots of devices that kids have access to. So what are you going to talk about? Right? In this agreement conversation, you can talk about things like, what is your policy on apps? Are there apps that are off limits for a certain time? What about when your child wants to get an app? Do they need to come talk to you about it? What does that look like? What does that sound like? Are you going to be willing to listen, right? How are you promising to show up? How are you agreeing to show up when they come to you and ask for something specific? What are the limits on time? What are the expectations for behavior, if there is texting or communication happening through devices, what can they do when they make a mistake or find themselves in trouble? Because, hey, everyone, our kids are going to make mistakes with technology. They're going to send a mean text. They're going to visit sites they shouldn't visit. They're going to get themselves into some mischief. Then what happens? And I don't mean like, what are you going to do to them? I mean, how can they come to you to ask for help. How are you willing to show up? How were you agreeing to show up? Because they are. They're going to make these kinds of mistakes, and you're going to have to hold space for them in a way that creates an environment where they come to you. And I know I've said this before, you have to create that environment, because there are some crazy ass things happening, right? Sextortion, predators. There are things that are happening on their devices that kids do not feel like they can come to their parents with, and they're getting in really big trouble, or, you know, they're hurting themselves. So this is really important, when you say you can come to me with anything, you need to mean it, and they need to believe you, right? And finally, how often are you going to look at and revise the agreement? Because the agreement is going to change over time, right? Technology, the technology agreement is going to change as your child gets older, more responsible, more mature. So when are you going to look at it again? Right? We can look at it every week. We can look at it every month. Let's look at it at the end of the semester. You get to agree on that I would use these questions and start by asking your child the questions, right? Not you saying all the things to them and saying, Okay, you agree, but instead you know, what do they think? What feels reasonable to them? See what they have to say, share your thoughts. Find a middle ground that you can both live with right again. Hold the agreement for a week or a month. Let them know they can always ask for a review or make an argument for an amendment right that you will listen and consider their point of view Absolutely. And there are going to be things that you're going to hold firm on. Screens are a big old pain in the ass, no doubt, and it is work for us to navigate them with our kiddos, for sure. Speaking of the adults, let's talk about the opportunities for growth inside of this challenge, you are going to get tired of this topic. You're going to get tired of enforcing the rules. You're going to get. And tired of your kid whining about wanting more screen time, you're gonna get tired, right? And you need to do whatever you need to do, to maintain your self regulation, to maintain your calm, to stay grounded. This is a big deal to your kids, and you don't get it right. You don't this wasn't a part of our life at their age. So we don't have memories that we can relate to, this draw, this pull, this attachment to technology. But what we can do, even if we can't relate, is we can validate. We can believe them. We can make sure that we're not dismissing them. We can avoid blaming, shaming and humiliating them when they get into mischief, because the draw of technology is so strong and access is so easy, we can commiserate about that. We can be curious. We can ask them to teach us stuff. We can listen when they want to share the latest thing and all of that, we're going to get be good at all of that when we're taking care of our self right, when we're filling our reserves through our own practice of self care, we can follow through on what we're we say we're going to do and show keep showing up when we're taking good care of ourselves. Screens are definitely, absolutely, 100% a privilege, and with privilege comes responsibility, and part of that responsibility is having conversations about screens, we get to normalize. I know I've said this before, but I'm just going to say it again, because, you know, you can't hear it enough. We get to normalize talking about our own relationships with screens. You've heard me say this. I struggle right at the end of the day, when I look at how much time I've spent looking at my phone, I'm pretty disgusted. We are all struggling with screens. For most of us, it's a thing. Talk about it. Call it out. Normalize this conversation in your family. Do something about it. Have tech free family time. Model healthy relationships with technology. Do your own work. To detach from your device be a model, and know that your kids are gonna make mistakes, okay, whether it's with technology or something else, and mistakes are opportunities to learn, and they provide these awesome openings for digging in deeper. Don't forget that, just like that story I said of finding that box of Ian's, which apparently is old news, but it still provided an opportunity to for us to connect around substances and nicotine. And I took it, I took that opening. And you know, it felt good to have that conversation. And in the end, I felt connected to my kiddo. He FaceTimed me from his buddy's apartment was full of dudes because he wanted to have the conversation and that mattered, right? Mistakes are opportunities to learn, and they provide openings for us to have important conversations. You got this, you've got this. I know screens are so annoying, and many of us wish that we could go back, many of us, meaning, like those of us with kids that are older. Okay, so I'm talking to you, parents of middle schoolers. So many of us with older kids, we wish that we could go back and navigate this whole thing differently. I know I do take care of you. Find your strength, trust the process and trust your kid, trust that they are gonna find their way, even if the path is bumpy and it gets bumpy, okay? Talk about what's out there. Talk about porn and predators and cyber bullying and sextortion. There is so much shit that can go sideways with screens. Okay, it's true. Show your child you can handle these conversations by handling the conversations with ease, right and openness. Show your confidence in them. Show your faith in them. Take some breaths. Take some breaths. And if you're listening and you aren't already in the joyful courage for parents of teens group get in there. We're in Facebook. Asked to join. And when you ask to join, by the way, there are three questions that you have to answer or I will not let you in. That's how I keep bots out, and it's just kind of a filter for me. You have to answer all three questions, and then I'll let you into the community. You don't have to do this alone. We've got you. And remember, I've been using the group to create content for the solo show. So post there if you're already in there, and you might hear my response to your post here on the podcast. Also, I just want to let you know I've took all of my episodes about screens and screen. Times, there's a bunch, and I made a playlist on Spotify with all of those episodes. So check the show notes for the link. If you want to just dig into just the shows about screens, you can do that. That is it for today. So again, big shout out. Big thank you to the mama who posted this challenge. It is useful for all of us to dig into posts like this. Thank you so much for your willingness to share your vulnerability, and thanks to everyone who responded to her. I so appreciate all of you. And if there is something in this episode that really has got you thinking and you want to reach out directly to me. You can book an explore call at besproutable.com/explore that will get you a 15 minute phone call with me. We can see if maybe coaching is useful for you, if there's some other offer that I have that could be useful for you and your situation. So book a call, shoot me an email at Casey, at joyful courage.com. Send me a DM, I am here for you, and yeah, I'll see you next week. Thank you so much for listening. Bye.
Casey O'Roarty 36:15
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my sproutable partners, Julietta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good, check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages, and sign up for Our newsletter to stay better connected@besproutable.com tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview, and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day. You.
See more
