Eps 535: Holiday Presence and Connection with Dr. Shefali and Julietta Skoog

Resources

Dr. Shefali’s Website

The Story of Julietta’s Cookie Party

Casey’s Work at Sproutable

Julietta’s Work at Sproutable

Transcription

SUMMARY KEYWORDS
parenting adolescents, positive discipline, holiday season, presence and connection, breath work, box breathing, family dynamics, executive functioning, holiday traditions, cultural expectations, self-care, gratitude, holiday stress, holiday rituals, holiday freedom
SPEAKERS
Julietta Skoog, Casey O'Roarty, Dr. Shefali, Charlotte

Casey O'Roarty 00:01
Hey listeners, welcome back to the joyful courage podcast, a place for you to feel seen and heard as we talk about all the things that come with the season of parenting adolescents. Parenting teens is messy, no doubt. And when we remember that our kids are growing through what they're going through, and we are too things can really start to feel okay. We can have faith and believe that everything will be okay. I'm Casey O'Roarty. I'm your host. I'm a positive discipline lead trainer and parent coach. I'm the adolescent lead at sproutable. I have two young adult kids of my own, and I have been in the trenches just like you. I love supporting families. I work one on one with parents all over the world and run a thriving membership program. Today is a special show. It's an audio replay of a webinar that I teamed up with my business partner, Julietta Skoog and Dr Shefali to do for parents back in November, we each take some time with exploring presence and connection, for making this time of year feel the way we want it to feel. My amazing editor worked his magic to make the sound as good as it could be for you. Thank you so much, Chris. I am so glad that all of you are here. Let's get to today's show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:22
Hi everybody. So I think you know where you are, but I'm just going to remind you that you have shown up for the best gift, presents and connection this holiday season, we are thrilled to welcome you. My name, if you don't know me, is Casey overdy. I'm a positive discipline lead trainer. I'm the adolescent lead sproutable. I'm a parent coach, and I'm the host of the joyful courage podcast. I have my master's degree in education and have been working with families for the last 20 plus years, speaking to and facilitating parents live and online from all over the world, and I walk my talk imperfectly with my two now young adult kids. I am a free bird. I've decided to say I'm a free bird instead of an empty nester. I am a free bird, and I'm loving it. With me is my business partner, Julieta scoog. She's also a positive discipline trainer, early years lead and parent coach at sproutable. She has spent extensive time in schools as a school counselor and a school psychologist. She is a sought after expert facilitating parents and educators worldwide. Juliet also practices what she preaches with her own three kids, and I know I speak for both Julietta and I when I say that we're really excited to have our friend, Dr Shefali joining us tonight as well. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. She specializes in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, bringing together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development teaching courses around the globe. She's written four books, three of which are New York Times best sellers, including the conscious parents and the awakened family. I'm sure many of you have enjoyed one or both of those books. We are so happy to be here with you all. I would encourage you to engage in the hour that we have together. It's going to go by really fast. We really invite you to be in the co creation of the value by staying in your own growth mindset asking yourself things like, what would this look like in my family, or what's here for me to learn. There's a range as far as what I see in the chat of family dynamics, meaning, some of you are just at the beginning of your journey with littles. Some of you have older kids like me, and then everybody's in between. I know there's at least two grandparents on the call as well. So yeah, so really be with us and be in that co creation.

Casey O'Roarty 04:04
I'm going to be guiding you through some focus on presence and connection with ourselves. Juliet is going to be focusing on presence and connection with our kids. And Dr Shefali will wrap us up with some time centering presence and connection in all of our relationships and just that bigger picture. So again, keep your canvas on. If you're able to, it's so much more fun for us to see our audience. So yeah, let's start this party. We are going to do some practices, and I'm going to deliver some information again, about bringing presence and connection with ourselves and into ourselves this holiday season, and to start us off and to really ground us into our time together, I know I need it. We're going to do a little bit of breath work. And before we start with breath work, I am aware that there may be some of you on the call who have some special circumstance or maybe some history with breath work. Work, and maybe it doesn't feel comfortable to you, this is optional, so you do what you need to do to ground into this time together everybody else. We're going to practice some box breathing. We're going to connect the nervous system to the way that we're currently experiencing this moment. So box breathing is breathing in inhale for four beats. We're going to hold for four. We're going to exhale for four. We're going to hold again for four. All right? And while we're doing it, I'm going to invite you to check in on the physical sensations that you're noticing in your body, the current emotions that are alive for you, and any thoughts or self talk that's happening. So let's start with the breathing. So we're going to inhale, 234, fold, 234, exhale, 234, hold, 234, and again, we're going To inhale, 234, fold, 234, exhale, 234, fold, 234, now. I invite you to continue with the box breathing for a few more rounds. And as you breathe, noticing what are your current physical sensations? Where is there tension or tingling or soreness in the body? Just noticing, not judging. Now, shifting your attention to current emotions, you name any current emotions that are alive for you, again, noticing, not judging. And finally, if your mind is doing a little wandering, what is the storytelling or the thoughts or the self talk that's currently alive for you, we're just noticing as you continue to breathe, notice how the paying attention invites a shift into The current experience. Noticing What if anything has shifted.

Casey O'Roarty 07:25
Box. Breathing is a really simple practice, and reminds me of something that I learned from a mentor of mine, who says, when the body leads, the mind follows, sometimes when we're feeling an overwhelm of experience, emotions or thoughts, and it's hard to change our mind or our emotional experience, we can work on simply calming the body right to provide an opening for the mind, so when you're ready, opening your eyes if they're closed, joining me back in the room. Here we are on the eve of the holiday season. It feels like, I know, I feel like there's a lot ahead of us, right? There's a lot ahead of us. And so I'd love to hear from all of you, what are some feelings that are showing up for you right now, knowing that we're just here at the beginning of this holiday season. What are some things you can share in the chat? What are some things that are showing up for you, emotions around being right here, right now, this close to the holiday season, I'm going to keep my eyes on the chat. What are some things that are coming up for you? Too much to get done, mixture of anxiety and excitement, not even ready. Jennifer, I'm with you, remaining calm, enjoying the moment, finding it hard to do. Yeah, peace. Liliana feels peace, yeah, that grief around family members who have passed tired of being the cheerleader for the holiday events. Oh, yes, it's all the things. It's all the things, right? And there is a lot to look forward to. Yes, we want to create experiences, right? We want to feel connection. There's a lot of planning and consideration. People are still showing up in the chat around this and things can go sideways. Things do go sideways, right? And so again, I'd love Jen. That's perfect segue. Jen's comment navigating disgruntled family members, yes. So in the chat now, what are some of the things, maybe from your holidays past, or things that you might be anticipating, like Grumpy family members that make the holidays, that can make the holidays go off track. And I'm Sam, you drop that in the chat. What are some of the things that can show up during the holidays that throw things off or make things feel like they've gotten off track or off the rails? Yeah. Right?

Casey O'Roarty 10:01
Getting sick, absolutely. Lisa, expectations, not being fulfilled. Lack gratitude, burning dinner, right? Toddler or teen meltdowns? Yeah? Grief. Sophia, thank you. I think about when my kids were younger, when we would go spend time with my family, I'd have to say, okay, you know that I get kind of weird around Nana and grandpa, so I'm going to do my best, but I'm going to be probably a little less patient than I normally am, because right some of us, we're still doing our work, but even just being in proximity to our family of origin can quickly kind of slide us back into some of those patterns that are less useful than we'd like them to be. So there's a lot of things that throw us off on the holiday season, and I want you to now think about when you're thrown off right? When those things come up, because they do. Family members come over. Sometimes things happen, toddlers, teenagers are grumpy, right when that happens? What do you notice about your physical response? What are the physical sensations for you in those moments of what's happening right now? What are some of the physical sensations that show up for you? And I'd love for you to drop them again in the in the chat. So Claudia is in the head, the headache. Yeah, headaches can show up. Clenching jaw, hand, relatable. Yeah, tight. Chest, hot. Face, 10. Shoulders, right. Restless legs, tightness. Thank you. Kimberly, like the ability to be light and to find lightness seems to go out the window, flipping our lids, working hard. Yes, Lisa, it's this, all this efforting, right now, what are the emotions, right? What are some of the emotions that come up for you as things start to go sideways as they do, frustration, absolutely, what else? Overwhelm, disappointment, irritability, I'm not enough. Yes, I should be doing better. My kids should be behaving better. We start judging our own parenting. That was definitely what would happen around my parents. Yeah. So we have all these emotions, showing up too, judging ourselves Absolutely. What are some of the thoughts and Kate, you're launching us into this, yeah, why bother? So there's a story. There's a thought. What am I doing this for? Nobody cares, right? What are some of the other thoughts that come up when things start to go sideways and we're less conscious, you know, paying less attention, and kind of in that reactive mode. So there's the story around, why am I even doing this defensiveness? Yes. Claudia, thank you, absolutely. Yeah, some of us just disassociate, right? And that's absolutely taking us out of the present moment. That story of being the victim or the martyr, right? Needing to separate by talks about going into self blame, vowing to do better next time, feeling the stress right? So it's a whole experience when things go sideways, and when that happens, our physical sensations, our emotions and our thoughts can take us right out of the present moment and put us in that state where we're less thoughtful about how we're showing up, and when we're less thoughtful, we're more reactive, right? And the reactive state is where we say or do things that we got to clean up later we wish we wouldn't have shown up that way, and it takes us away from what we actually want to create during the season. So we should talk about, what do we want to create when you think about the holidays, and I don't mean like the perfect dessert, or, you know how many presents are under the tree, I want you to think about the qualities when you think about what do you want to create for this holiday season? What's the quality that you want to exist in your relationships, in the energy of your space, in your celebrations. What are some of the how do you want to feel? What are the qualities that you want to create for your family, for yourself? So looking in the chat, thank you. Connection, being in the moment, being relaxed, having fun, having some magic. Yes, and Lisa, I just got to call you out, because when I think about how to create magic for the holidays, I think of parents of young kids. But Lisa, I know you, you have kids like mine, who are, you know, in the young adult years, so I appreciate you wanting to create magic. Yes, belonging, laughing, enchantment, loving, presence, all the good things, right? Not worrying about the details. So getting clear on what we want to create gives us something to point our compass towards. It gives us something to anchor into when our toddlers are melting. Down, or teens are slamming the door and rolling their eyes when the in laws are being the in laws, or our own parents are being who they are and giving us grief when the meal gets burned. Being clear on how we want to show up is a stepping stone towards the holiday that we want to create.

Casey O'Roarty 15:19
So we're going to play with this a little bit kind of similar to what we did with the box breathing. I'm going to invite you. We're going to do some embodiment work. So if you're comfortable with it, please close your eyes or soften your gaze. Look down. You don't need to look at the screen and come back to that box breathing, or that ever more intentional breath. So maybe lengthen your inhales and exhales a little bit right. Drop into this moment. I invite you to feel your feet on the floor, open your heart space by pulling your shoulders back and down just a little bit, soften your jaw and the muscles on your face, maybe even bring a small smile to your mouth. Keep breathing now, imagine with the next inhale, you are bringing to life that quality that you want to bring to your holiday, if it's love, imagine a light of love growing in your heart space, if it's lightness, laughter, humor. Imagine breathing that into your heart space, and that light growing as you breathe into it. If it's magic, imagine that light of magic, that light of belonging, that light of a loving presence growing inside your heart center. Breathe into it as you do this, as you see and imagine that light, that quality, growing inside your body. Notice what is shifting. Notice what's shifting in the physical sensations and the emotions and the thoughts and what you're experiencing in this moment when you're ready, opening your eyes, opening your eyes. And I would love to hear from you in the chat, what did you notice by slowing down being intentional about generating the quality that you want to create in your body. What did you notice about that? What happened for you? Guy says they felt so much lighter. Lisa as well, I feel light. Isn't that it right? Some openness. Sophia, I really appreciate some openness. Sometimes it's just a slight little bit more right. Vicky, felt relaxed. Oh. Claudia, I love that empowered and more positive. Thank you. There's this formula that I've shared with my clients that I work with and the parents in my membership program. It's something that I learned from that same mentor who says when the body leads, the mind follows, and she calls it e plus r equals O. E is the events and experiences, the events and experiences that show up in our life, plus how we respond or react to them influences the outcome, right? So we don't have control over all the experiences and the things that go sideways, or what is challenging. However, the way we respond matters to how things continue to unfold. And having a practice like this, like the one we just engaged in, where you're dropping back into remembering, what do I want to create? I'm going to breathe that in. I'm going to breathe that light right. Having one that centers what you want to create allows you to influence how you are experiencing, what is unfolding right and then, and ultimately, you're influencing the experience of others. So I hope that you found that useful connection and presence with self,

Casey O'Roarty 19:12
and now I'm going to pitch it over to Julieta, who's going to take us from self to our kids and share about presence and connection with our children.

Julietta Skoog 19:21
Thanks, Casey, that was just beautiful. What came up for me was just this sense of ease. When I did this practice, I was like, I just want it to feel easy, right? I want to feel ease. I immediately heard the Commodores song, sing it easy like Sunday morning. I'm going to keep that as my song this season. So thank you for that so beautiful. And to Team me up in this way so I get to launch into the some practical tips and strategies. And as Casey mentioned, I have three children, so I am in it. I have a 15 year old, I have a 12 year old, and I have a seven year old. Felt so for the last 15 years, I have had a human who believes in the magic of the holiday season. So I am like, just in it. You know, when people were saying, Oh, the to do list, I'm already behind. I mean, that's where I'm at. Also just family, five working. So I really appreciate this sense of compass that Casey gave us, because with that compass, we get to decide. And I think there's this, you know, one of the reasons we wanted to do this early, early in quotes, is to say, Guess what? We're not on this speeding train that has been already predetermined for us, and we've been given this list of to do's, we actually get to decide that, you know. And so when I think back to things that I loved as a child, what I remember from what was meaningful for me in the seasons, and then I think about what I want to keep and what I want to bring forward with my own sweet family, my own kind of crazy circus of a family. And so in order to do that, there's some reclaiming for myself as a parent, right? Where I'm like, the time is short, right? It does go fast. And so I get to decide what this season is going to look like for myself and for my kiddos. And so with that reframing, what you know, this is so much or so much to do, or all the Oh, and I'm responsible, that reframe, like Casey was saying, Actually, Vicki, I saw your comment in the chat. It's like the reframe of this opportunity for so much that our kids get to explore. There's so much that we get to explore. It's kind of this intensity of the holiday season. Some of you know, I have a dance background, so sometimes I'm kind of like, it's showtime, right? There's like, in this intensity, it's like, awesome, right? It's kind of the low hanging fruit. Here's a chance that we get to offer all these opportunities to build a ton of life skills for our kids and to model that, right? So when we're overwhelmed, we get to model how we lean into our coping skills. For me, a big piece of this season is around the executive functioning, or some of these life skills, some of these kind of big deal skills that our kids are going to need when they head off into the land where Casey gets to be the Free Bird, right? It's like, you know, these chances where we do get to look at a really packed calendar, all the things that are on it, adjusting the schedules, gift giving, it's just part of it, right? Part of managing the events and all that, the extra contributions or chores that are required. Maybe you're hosting, maybe we're traveling, maybe we're going we host a big cookie party every year. You know, all the that we host, even within the holiday season, I end up being that home for my extended family too. And so this piece that shifts from, I Julietta, Mom, have to do this all, versus we get to, you know, this really empowering, deep sense that we do this together. So this sense of significance, a sense of belonging, the sense of contribution. So whether they are toddlers or they are teens, how are they involved with your holiday cards? How are they involved with planning the party that you're having. How are they involved with choosing what gifts There are for different how are they involved with wrapping? How are they involved with planning the menu and the cooking? What are the responsibilities? How are they involved with getting the home ready? So just really that shift from making it look so perfect and that it has to be the best or the pressure, versus what Casey was saying around the responding, and I like to think of it as dancing, right? It's like, this is all that's going to happen. You probably have 15 things of hilarious stories that have happened in the holiday season, right? I've got the time I had pneumonia, the time I had an eardrum rupture, and we had to call 911, last year when Leona ate so much pie, she was like, vomiting into my dad's guest room where he was staying. And my dad was literally like, what is happening the year my I was with my mom in the ER, I mean, there's literally everything, right? The friends that got stuck in the snowstorm and said, suddenly you have three extra families that you were hosting. Like, it's those that make the stories, you know? And so when we can respond like, it is totally crazy, it is going to be for those of you that celebrate on Christmas Eve or on Hanukkah Eve, when you've got your littles and you've finally gotten to bed and you're like, oh my gosh, I forgot to wrap everything. I've got to put it, and I've got only three hours of sleep before they wake back up again. It's that sense of like, really, it's the everything, and it's that chance that they get to grow those executive functioning skills. They get to grow that gratitude. They get to grow that delay of gratification and patience, you know, so thinking about that as we get to really get into it and get to muscle and get to be with our family and be with our kids and work this stuff out and through, you know. Home, so I like to lean on my 3p during the holiday season. The first P is play. Okay? And remember, I've got a tween and a teen also, so this is not just reserved for my littles, but we've got to find the lightness, we've got to find the fun and the humor. And I think we forget that we have personalities. You all have personalities. You were really fun people. You are fun humans, you know, so really tapping into that playfulness. Our kids need it. They want it, finding the fun and through that play, then we get to lean into my other two P's, which is the practice and the pre teach. So I think it really is fair. It's respectful when we clue our kids in. You know what is happening? What is on the calendar? What are the events, what are the traditions, what are the expectations, what are the routines and what is it that we're celebrating? Why does it matter? Right? Why does it matter that this particular family member is going to need us to really bring our A plus game, you know? Why does it matter that we've got to go to this other particular random neighbors house, like, really bringing them into the why? And that's the pre teach. So maybe it's for older kids, it really is just having that respectful like getting our eyeballs on everything, and we love to do it through our family meeting. We have a whole calendar. But for my littles, it really is about role play and practicing. If we're traveling, we pretend that we're getting on the airplane. We pretend we just did this whole role play around practicing when we open up gifts. Because of the one time that violet opened my sister's present and said, This looks cheap, I was like, Oh, guess what? We gotta practice. Yeah. So, like, note to self, right? So and all these things. If there's something that's making you feel anxious, get them in the ring. Practice it, bring it in, you know, so thinking about this in terms of gratitude, in terms of just behavior, and then also, really in terms of pre teach and the practice, thinking about the routines, and especially because a lot of our kiddos are now home from school, even our littles might be home from preschool or off. And so what are the expectations? What are our non negotiables? What are the ways that we get to model like Casey did for us, recentering. Our kids need that too. What are the sensory breaks look like for my littles, but frankly, for my olders too. Do we have it visual? You know, in positive discipline, we say, let routines be the boss. And so really taking a hard look at what is our holiday routine, what do the quiet times look like for the littles? Or what are the resets look like for olders? You know, I know for my twin and team, they want to do the like, four nights in a row at their besties house, or they want to have their bestie over for like, four nights in a row. So what's our rule around that, you know, just getting clarity clear is kind if you've got a parenting partner really getting clearer around that too. That's part of the practice and the pre teach, you know, just kind of looking ahead. So when we think about behavior, I think Casey said, you know, if things go sideways, when they go sideways, you know, our kids aren't going to say, like, Oh my gosh. Thank you so much. You made these holidays amazing, and so I'm going to be so perfectly behaved for you. Because, seriously, I know how much work you've been doing behind the scenes, mom, like, you know, and dad, right? So they're not going to do that, right? They're going to their sensory system is going to go down. They're going to be overwhelmed, just as we are, too. And so really making sure that, you know, it things aren't contingent on that behavior right? It's about doing the right thing when nobody's looking right and going back to saying we're still practicing this, you know, versus like, now we're going to sort of, quote, unquote, punish you for and remove things, or now you're not going to get, you know, Santa's not going to come or not going to be doing these. It's like, really just honoring the stress level for everybody, and just because it is the holiday season, things don't, you know, miraculously become even easier for us. So I talked about routines a little bit, and now I just want to sort of close by saying, you know, this idea of traditions, I think can give heartache and angst. Case you talked about, like, how are we feeling in our body? And like, oh, that brings up anxiety, you know. But it also can bring, like, what I want, which is the ease, you know. And so I want to just say, like, kids really crave this. They love the tradition, you know. They'll say, this is what they remember, Oh, this is what we always do, but it only starts with one time. So you get to start this year what might be a new tradition, something that's awesome, something that's full, something that you feel like, wow, our whole family really lit up around that. Say that, like this is going to be our new tradition. Let's create that. You know, even whatever has been in the past, we get to move forward. Forward in this full way. It can be small. It can be as big as Vi has now created this Nutcracker show that has gotten a little off the rails. So just thinking about that, as opposed to, like feeling obligated, you get to let go right of some of those. If it is not serving you anymore, maybe it served you for the littles, but it's now becoming overwhelming. So you can also refresh it in terms of of new things too. You know, maybe it's that one recipe that you all make together. I make these spicy nuts that are, like incredible with Chipotle. And now, like my kids know, that's our thing, and our batches get bigger and bigger. Or even just simple, on Christmas Eve, we walk the neighborhood with hot cocoa and we just go see the lights. So even just naming like a few of those things that are going to be yours that you get to name for yourselves that can anchor and bring in, you know, kind of the why of really what we do this for, and what anchors part of that really powerful, critical time in their brain development, which is these openings, you know, that allow them to integrate these memories. And so just in closing for my little section, I could go on and on and on. I get so excited about this. But just that, that piece that Maya Angelou says, which is that they won't remember what you said, you know, or what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel. And so for those of you that say you want to bring the magic and the enchantment, you know it doesn't have to be these big things, but if you bring that, right? If you bring that magic, if you're saying, I'm so excited this is happening, so happy we're all home right now, right? That's what they're going to

Dr. Shefali 31:40
feel Yeah, okay, thank you. Hello everyone. It's so nice to be part of your community. So for people who may know my work, I speak a lot about dismantling and deconstructing the cultural myths that we grow up with. So my talk right now may be something that you may not expect, but that's what I do. So what I want to offer you is this deep awareness that there's actually no such thing as a holiday season because it's something we've imposed onto our reality, and we have all bought into it. We've all subscribed to it, and we all pay a lot of money for it, and we are now bound by it. We're like, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Oh, what are you doing? And now it's become a thing like Valentine's Day, like big wedding days. These are not things that are natural of the natural world, like our birth or our death or old age or menstrual cycles. Those are natural things. This thing, this holiday season is created. Now, when I say that, you may feel like, Oh, she's just taking the, you know, the air out of my bubble, my balloon, I want to be all amazing. No, I'm saying it to offer you perspective. Because when we we think that it's something that is ordained. We feel obligated. We feel lesser than when it doesn't appear to be what it's stated or touted to be. We feel pressure versus remembering, oh, this is optional. This. Oh, let's just do this. It's something you subscribe to, which means you have a choice. So if it doesn't work for you this year to have a holiday season, guess what? You don't need to have a holiday season. You can dip in and dip out and make it what you need. Like Juliana said, it's about this the moment, it's not about the holidays. So many times in our lives, we make it about the event or the thing or the achievement, and we forget what is really important. The kids don't care about the holiday, as Juliana said, they care about how you make them feel so you can make them feel like the same way that you would on Hanukkah Eve or Christmas Eve as you would on a Thursday morning. There's actually no difference. So it's not a special time that we make them feel more special, or a time that we make them feel like we're more loving. It shouldn't be that, right? It should just be one more time, and then when you enter the holiday season with this lightness, what happens to you is that you're not clinging, you're not attached, you're not expecting, and then you won't have the downside of the unmet expectations, the frustration, this martyrdom, you know, so. So I'll tell you very frankly, I don't wrap a single gift. I don't have a thing about holidays. It doesn't even pass my consciousness. It's not an issue for me because I've never subscribed. I'll go for a dinner, maybe I'll get a gift, maybe I'll give a gift, but it's not something that I'm putting on my plate. Why? Because I have enough on my plate, and we have a great time anyway, because it's about the moment. It's about this present moment. It's about this day and how am I going to show up? So it's not about the holiday season. That's something outside that is dependent on how Grandma is and how Auntie is and how the children are. You are the holiday, meaning you bring what the holiday is supposed to bring. You emblemize That you epitomize, that you walk around as the magic. You're not creating magic. You are the magic. You're not creating joy. You are the joy. You're not buying the gift. You are the gift. And the rest is incidental. If you eat a good Turkey, you eat the mash with hooking with burgers, you eat fries, you eat Chinese, you eat sushi, you eat nothing, right? Don't attach to the external. It's you are the holiday, and that's what your children will remember. And if you actually make them very attached to a tradition, it's a little dangerous, because then they get attached to a tradition, and then tomorrow, they will do this to their children, and then they're going to lose their mind, and then they're going to need a holiday seminar like this, a summit to ground them and relax them. So we're putting, we too much emphasis on the holiday season, and it's really just a good time to be together, to be calm, to be relaxed, and don't overdo it. Because if you overdo it, it's it's becomes insanity, then it's about the the holiday being a certain way, versus you just easing into connection and easing into presence. So don't be so attached on how it looks or the tree or the gifts or the those are not what your children will remember. They will only remember if you will relax, if you had a good time, and the more simple you keep it actually, the more beautiful and connected. You know, it could be every Christmas morning or every Hanukkah morning, or for those seven days, eight days, we cuddled in bed for 20 minutes and we put an alarm and we forced ourselves to stay in bed. That's a tradition right there, and it cost you nothing. So the more calm and connected you are to just the simple, ordinary moment. You know you're not dependent on your children's reaction to the gift. You're not dependent on how the table is looking and what Grandma says about your outfit or how everyone gets along, because you are the holiday so you're not giving your power away. So these are constructions of culture. These are industrial ways in which the westernized world capitalizes on us. So be mindful. Don't get swept away. It just is a moment, and it's the next moment, and then the next moment. If you create this big, you know, the holidays, then you're inevitably going to set yourself up for failure. So you want to keep yourself and very relaxed, very open and present, and that's what your children will remember, is the present moment connection, which comes from your lack of expectations, your lack of fantasies, your lack of attachments to how it should be and remember you are the walking, breathing, talking holiday. You are it. You're carrying the Christmas tree inside. You're carrying the gifts. Your smile, your lit up eyes, your ease of presence. You are the holiday. You're the holiday. So what is what needs to be done? Nothing, right? If everyone comes for Thanksgiving, you go, what are you here for? And the turkey, right? Not that they should eat you, but they're not coming for the turkey. They're coming for you, is what I'm trying to say. And if you are in the right state of mind, it's a beautiful time. Whether you eat potato chips, you eat, you know, amazing, you know, caviar, it doesn't matter. And if you remember that, then you're you're way calm, you're relaxed. And remember it's an option, and you can always say, I'm not doing it this year. You have options to say, I'm not going to Grandma's house this year. This year, I'm not doing it. I'm prioritizing my mental health. I'm taking it easy. Or I'm not cooking dinner. I'm ordering in who said you have to cook the big dinner, or, you know, go and do do this big fanfare that is cultural subscription. So give yourself the power for anyone who's feeling tired. Anyone who's in grief and wants to just be at home and cry, you don't have to go you don't have to subscribe, you have to take care of you, which then spills out you're doing noone a favor if you are mandating yourself out of an obligation and take care of yourself, the holidays cannot rule you, the holidays are not greater than you. There's no such thing as the holiday season that everyone talks about. It doesn't exist. It's a made up thing. You know, everything is made up. We all know the horrors of thanksgiving. This is supposed to be something just for getting together. Let's not make it more than it is. And if you keep it in perspective, everyone will have a good time. It's when we don't get in perspective, then you are setting yourself up for failure. So remember to take care of yourself. You are everything you wish to bring you have inside. You tap into it and allow yourself to express it. And there's nothing on the outside that is more important or greater than your capacity to be present and to connect.

Julietta Skoog 41:13
So free. Dr Shefali, thank you so much. I just want to say I wrote down. I put it in the chat too. It's so freeing. You know, when I hear you, I've gotten the pleasure to hear you speak in person. And it brought me back to the first time when I was a very, very young parent. I think I just had, maybe even Josephine, maybe if I was a baby and I read your book, The conscious parent, and I felt the same way. What you just know when I heard you speak, which is this freedom. It's like, oh yeah, I forgot. Like, we're free. We could, we could just sign those expectations or not. So I felt that in my body. Yeah, thank you so much. I just

Dr. Shefali 41:49
say one thing, you know, in our culture, we get really trapped, right? We forget, like you said, we think we should put up the lights and we should put the and we should but then we are actually putting a noose around us. So do it, but do it knowing that it should come from place of joy and freedom and it doesn't have to be every year the same thing. And then we feel, Oh, my God, I sent a Christmas card last year. What do people think? No one cares, like no one care. I don't even open don't ever send me one, because I don't even open it, because it's just like, I don't need more clutter, right? So it's lovely, but you know how these things become a noose around us? So take off the mandates. What I'm saying is be creative, be flexible. Play like Juliet said, play with this. Be creative, and sometimes don't subscribe. Have a non holiday season. Holiday like, how about that? There's no one way to do this is and when I walk around the neighborhood, I see everybody with the lights and everyone I just feel like they're just conforming. And how many of us really give ourselves the option to play with this and to not take it so seriously, you know, and to really minimize and be minimalist in your expectations, fantasies and, you know, the desires that it should look a certain way. So just offering that to you. Thank you all for listening. Yeah,

Casey O'Roarty 43:17
I love that, and I'm one of those people I'm good for maybe every four or five years, I do a Christmas card. So it's like, Whoa, look, your kids have really grown. It's like, yeah, because it's been, like, six years. But that invitation too, and recognizing how conditioned we are to get caught up in the stuff, and remember, you have a practice now to help you as you move through, you know, the next couple of months, when you feel that subscription, when you feel that attachment and expectation to say, Wait a minute. What do I want most right now? I want to be present with my people, right? I want to animate inside of my body a feeling of ease, like you said, Juliet or joy or connection, and you get to do that. You are the holiday. I can't wait to walk into the room with my family and be like, by the way, everyone, I'm the holiday. Welcome.

Julietta Skoog 44:10
I'm I'm the magic. So there you go. Well, this piece too really resonates with me, because, you know, I have like, 1512, and seven, when you say you don't want to then pass on that. What are we passing on to our kids? Are we passing on their then need to the expectations, and then I have to do and or do we get to break that cycle? And we do? Yeah, okay, so does anyone should we open up to a couple questions? Yeah, I'm gonna let you lead this. Jules, yeah. So you've heard really different perspectives, and things are coming up differently for you and your different age ranges in the spaces that you're in any comments. It could be a tool or a AHA or a takeaway or a question that you have for us. Liliana, I never show up to parties with a gift, because I truly believe my presence the party is good enough. Roll in like here I am. You're well. Come, I have arrived. Yes, it's freeing to know, I don't have to choose to do everything right. And I think there's some intentionality around that, like that actually is, you know, within that choice that what are we saying no to so that we can say yes later, you know? So even if it's saying no, so that you can say yes to that inner child that's inside that needs that self care, that actually needs to be paid attention to, you know? Yeah, okay, Charlotte, I have a question. Let's see Charlotte, yes. Come on in. I can ask a question.

Charlotte 45:39
Actually, I love what you are, you're inviting us to be and to be and then do. I'm also mindful that society or culture have expectations like even if I want to be still in my practice and not conform to certain things that society expects us like I am, riddled sometimes in my mind of like, what if I go to a party? It's true, I am the gift. That's why you invited me. But then there is this expectation, oh, she came anti handed. You know, I wonder how much, and I know you have to be very strong in your in your space, because there is a expectation of culture, society, community, for you to do something. And I think that sometimes what bothers me more than the power of what I can be.

Julietta Skoog 46:32
Shivali, do you want to speak to this?

Dr. Shefali 46:34
You know, it was you. So again, it's about, why are you not taking a gift, right? And if you've sat with that and you think, you know, I don't need to take a gift, I took it last time. I mean, it's one more bottle of wine. I don't want people to drink wine once you've had your answer then, and you're okay with the answer and aligned. Then when you go to the party and you tell your friend, I didn't bring a gift, then you have to just leave it there, right? You can't then enter your friend's brain and now wonder what she thinks about you, because that's trying to mastermind somebody else's way of thinking. And we do that in the holidays. We do that all the time, like, I want to control what other people think of me, but we can't do that if we want to be self honoring. Sometimes self honoring requires a very strong boundary that, okay, this is what I think is best, and I cannot get into my friend's brain if she then comes to me, suppose she then comes to you and says, you know, that was very rude of you, for you didn't bring anything. Then you can go, oh, I can tell you my reasons, you know, let's talk about it. But you're so clear you had a reason, right? So you have to sit with it, but don't just automatically need your do something because culture says or don't rebel, just because culture says you should do it. And you're like, I'm not going to do it. Right? Either way, it's it's reactive. You have to own it, you know. And you have to know why you're not doing it. And let me tell you, it's a real rare friend who's going to care whether you bought something or not, right? Like, which friend should care about that? So if she cares, wow, that's data for you, right? Yeah, it's

Julietta Skoog 48:13
that authentic piece. It's like, really, it's, it's, are you doing this? Yeah, because you have to, or because you want to. And I think both can be, as long as you're being authentic within yourself. I have a friend. It was, it's so like, radical to me, because she's within our close group of college friends, and she goes, Oh, I don't do birth, I don't remember birthdays. I don't do birthdays. And I just, and I remember, I thinking, like, it's so amazing. I know I never hear from her on birthday. She's one of my dearest, closest friends. Never does birthday gifts, never plans anything, but she's just like, I just don't do that, you know? And so I think there's something around that. Just like, if you show up and you're like, Oh, I'm vegetarian, I don't eat that, like, oh, I don't bring stuff, or I don't, you know, whatever it is for you. Like, just be within that authenticity. Yeah, maybe everybody

Dr. Shefali 48:55
can write a little rule that they do. So my one thing is, when I go to people's houses, i This is horrible, but this is what I say. I say I don't do dishes like, you know how everyone goes and helps? I don't do it. You know why? Because when I call people over, I don't expect them to do it. So I'm like, No, now you cook, you clean, you call you hate, I hate going around and, Hey, can I help you? I don't want to help. I don't want to help. I came to chill. You call me, you call 50 people. Why should I clean your dishes? So I say, I don't do it, so I don't even pretend. Because everyone's pretending. No one wants to do it. We're all faking, pretending. Let me help. Let me help. I say, I don't sorry. I'm come to chill. And they go, Oh, relax, relax. So maybe you can write something that you do, that you own, and it actually has not been a problem. And even if it is a problem, it's really not a problem because you don't know about it. So maybe something that maybe it'll free somebody else to go, oh, I don't want to do birthdays either or, you know, it's so refreshing. I think when people just make it clear, you know, that's it, I.

Julietta Skoog 50:00
That was, I'm that way with play dates. I don't, I don't do chit chat with parents. You came to pick up your kid, your kid is going home. I tell my kids, you walk your friend to the door. That parent's not coming to my not having a play. I don't do that. Yeah, I saw a message here from Mary, and I Oh, you, you gave a little, yeah, you gave

Casey O'Roarty 50:20
a little. And I thought maybe you'd have a sense, yeah, just just two seconds.

Julietta Skoog 50:22
You know? You said, You know what? If they suggest, if we, if we involve our kids, right here, come on in toddler. And they suggest teenager, teenagers, right? Things are real. Teenagers are just as messy, you know? They suggest gifts we don't want to give, or decorations we don't like, or the food. That is, how do we also get a say without discouraging the kids? And let me be very clear, because you all know we come from the land of connection and firmness at the same time, there is no thank you positive discipline. There's no, you know, permissive give the kids everything that they want and whatever they you know. So we are modeling that part too within those what we say like limited choice, right? So it's, I think, especially given ages, developmentally, I'll offer ranges and have them decide, or give them, you know, a range within a genre, like, I can't decide. We know this friend really loves certain, you know, whatever, what do you think? What color do you think that they would like? Right? So you have, you know, your own, like Casey said the guard rail, that then you can offer them the freedom within that space, for sure. I'm not like whatever you think. We should have a menu. You know. They're like, mac and cheese and edits, yeah, okay, clear as kind Yep, totally. Okay. Well, we have just in these last couple minutes. I want to make sure that we let everyone go on time. And if you can just, you know for the last couple minutes, if there's any appreciation that you have a takeaway, something that you are, that you want to put in the chat so that it really gets out into the universe, that you are taken away, or you're an intention, that you have go ahead and pop that in the chat. And in the meantime, please know that you can find lots of beautiful support like this from each of us. She probably has a beautiful membership and coaching program and retreats. Casey does as well. I do as well. We all support parents. Sholl, he has her beautiful books. Casey has a beautiful book called joyful courage as well. You can find all of us at our various websites, of course, that now I'm like stalling. Where do you find us? But we will send all of you an email that has the recording and that also has the places where you can find us. But please know this is just the beginning, and that we learn and we grow and we laugh like this when we're together and when we are honest and vulnerable and open and real. And it really does take this kind of, you know, community and support. We are not isolated parents in our own little vortex. So keep reaching out to our various communities so that we can all support each other. Thank you all so much. Keep your power

53:02
and thank you be the holiday. It was great to see you. Yes. Thank you everybody.

Casey O'Roarty 53:16
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my sproutable partners, Julieta and Alana, as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages, and sign up for our newsletter to stay better [email protected] tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview, and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.