ShareWhen your teenager shuts you out
Parenting teens can sometimes feel like a constant balancing act. One moment, you might feel close to your child, only to be met with resistance, frustration, or distance in the next. This was exactly what one parent shared recently. Their 13-year-old daughter, while generally a good kid, was shutting them out—silent treatments, ignored texts, and the all-too-familiar dynamic of seeking attention only when money or favors were involved. The mom felt stuck: say “yes” to maintain connection or say “no” and risk further alienation.
This kind of situation is common in many families, and it’s heartbreaking for parents who are trying their best to stay connected while managing a teen’s need for independence. The tension between wanting to be involved and respecting a teen’s growing autonomy is real. But there’s an important truth here:
Connection is not the same as constant attention or appeasement.
The Side Door: Building Connection Beyond Behavior
When teens act out or withdraw, it’s easy to see their behavior and feel compelled to fix it. But often, the root cause isn’t just a lack of manners or a “bad attitude”—it’s a deeper emotional pain. Teens, especially those who feel like they don’t belong, might display behaviors that seem confrontational or rebellious. The belief behind that behavior could be something as deep as: “I don’t belong here” or “I’m not understood by my family.”
This is where the “side door” approach comes into play. Instead of directly addressing the behavior head-on, which might feel like an emotional battle, try focusing on nurturing the relationship. Spend quality one-on-one time with your teen, away from the conflict. Show them, through actions, that they matter to you, regardless of their behavior. Don’t rush to fix things—just be there. As you rebuild that relationship, look for openings to gently talk about what’s going on. Acknowledge their feelings, validate their experiences, and let them know you’re a safe space for them.
Letting Go: Trusting Your Teen to Navigate Their Own Challenges
It’s also crucial to recognize the importance of letting go. I’m not talking about neglecting your child’s needs, but rather trusting them to learn, grow, and navigate challenges on their own. As a parent of older teens, I’ve seen how powerful it can be to step back and let them figure things out. Yes, it’s hard, especially when you’re far away or don’t have control over the situation, like when my son injured his ankle while away at college. My initial instinct was to jump in, micromanage, and take care of everything. But I quickly realized that he needed to manage this on his own. And that’s okay. Sometimes, our kids need to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
The key is trusting the process—that your teen will learn and that you don’t need to fix everything. This mindset shift can bring a sense of peace and clarity to the sometimes chaotic world of parenting teens.
Looking Ahead: What Do You Want Your Teen to Remember?
As parents, it’s easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day struggles. But imagine looking back 10 years from now—what do you want your child to remember about their teen years with you? Do you want them to think of you as a supportive, steady presence? Someone who believed in them even when they didn’t believe in themselves? Or do you want them to remember constant tension and conflict?
When we approach parenting with the long-term in mind, we can find the patience and strength to navigate the tough times. So, take a moment to reflect on how you want your teen to remember you. This reflection can guide your actions and remind you of the bigger picture.
Embracing the Flow of Adolescence
Parenting a teen is a journey, and like any river, it has its ebbs and flows. The more we try to control the current, the more we feel exhausted and defeated. But if we can learn to move with the flow, adjusting our approach as we go, we can stay connected with our teens through the tough moments, knowing that they’ll find their way—and so will we.
Remember, you are not alone in this. Many parents are navigating similar challenges, and it’s okay to reach out for support, whether through communities like this or professional guidance. Stay engaged, stay connected, and trust that everything will work out.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this! How are you navigating your teen’s independence while maintaining a healthy relationship? Reach out and share your story—I’m here to support you every step of the way.
From Joyful Courage Episode 520: Disrespect and relationship with our teenagers
Looking for parent coaching? Casey offers private coaching services. See more info here.
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